#write letters but we've been talking about this for a year and we're only telling you now and you leave tomorrow lol have fun with telling

[shelyue99]

You see the three musketeers sit around the table here shooting the bull, so while it rolls on I'll see if I can make any sense out of this. The three are Irishmen-one Capt. Nixon, and Lt. Welsh and last of all the Major. Now Capt. Nixon is the biggest drunk I've ever seen, known, or hope to see. He's worth a small fortune, never'll have to work a lick in his life, but absolutely the most reliable man I've ever known. Welsh is as bullheaded as you'd expect an Irishman to be.

—May 16, 1945, Letter to DeEtta

At the present time we're (Nixon and I) ribbing Lt. Welsh about marrying an Irish girl by the name of Kitty Grogan. He hopes to be married inside of four months. We're carefully explaining that some 4F will grab her off before that. If he does manage to get married, we promise to steal the bride for the balance of his leave unless he hires us to protect him from others who may have the same intentions. Price is 1 qt. of scotch for Nixon and 1 qt. of ice cream for myself. He doesn't take us seriously.

—May 30, 1945, Letter to DeEtta

I've mentioned Capt. Nixon I believe, of Nixon, N.J. [W]ell I've got him writing his first letter since last Nov. to his wife. Quite a guy, he's having one hell of a time getting organized and down to work. Claims he hasn't anything to say to her, just to his dog. He has a baby boy that he's never seen, but he won't talk about his son, it's always his dog. Knowing you, why I know you could spend an enjoyable two or three hours talking about how awful he is-if you knew him. However I'll tell you he's idealistic. I've known him three years and lived and slept aside and fought with him for two. This guy loves one thing right at this stage of life: a bottle of spirits or a fight. He's OK in a fight, but Jesus, outside of that he's absolutely the most undependable man you'd ever want to find.

Since we've been overseas he's only run around with one girl. An English girl and she was anything but beautiful. However she was a good listener and companion. In fact I am not too sure but this guy might end up staying over here in England. Ah yes, things are really snafu-and don't ask me what that means.

Now here we have Welsh & Nixon mixing Vodka, rum & vermouth-oh boy it won't be long now.

—June 2, 1945, Letter to DeEtta

(Writing about the job offer at Nixon Nitration Works) “I don't count on a thing until I have it," Dick confessed, "but it sounds good."

—September 2,  1945, Letter to DeEtta

Do you know what this new regimental C.O. has gone and done? Declared me essential. Why? Well you know all those nice things one can say at a time like that. Me, with 100 points as of V-E Day, and about the only officer in the regiment who has enough points to get out, and who doesn't want any part of the army, stuck until the division goes home. Which won't be this year. Boy, do you smell smoke? Don't worry, it's just me.

Capt. Nixon left this week, which makes everything just dandy. I am about as lonesome as a lovesick swab who married a Wave on an eight hour pass.

—September 16, 1945, Letter to DeEtta

From “Hang Tough: The WWII Letters and Artifacts of Major Dick Winters”

#band of brothers #dick winters #lewis nixon #winnix #sassy Dick

[babybluebanshee]

Things I've Had To Deal With As A City Librarian: I'm Just So Tired

Haven't done one of these in a while, and things have just been...they've been a time, let me tell you.

*We caught a guy hiding in one of the bathroom stalls after closing. We check the bathrooms to clean up any messes for the next day, and Julie knocked on the men's room door. No one answered, so she went in and checked the stalls. Didn't see any feet so she starts opening the doors. She gets to the handicap stall, and she tries to open it. It's locked. She mutters something about having to unlock it, and suddenly a voice from inside calls out, "Hey, I'm still in here." Julie nearly shrieks. The guy claims that his fly was stuck, but given the fact he didn't say anything when Julie came in and we couldn't see his feet under the stall door means he was probably crouched on the toilet, hoping we'd think the bathroom was empty and he could spend the night in the library.

*My coworker Allie did a cute little display in the kids area where you can write a letter to Curious George. She even made cardboard mailbox for it and put out a bunch of books and movies for people to check out. The amount of vandalism this thing has seen is unreal. One night a kid poked holes in the mailbox with a colored pencil. I was doing a walkthrough after a particularly rowdy family was in the kids area, only to discover that they have thrown everything on the display into the mailbox - the books, the movies, the postcards, the coloring materials, even one of the book stands. We spent about ten minutes fishing everything out.

*Speaking of displays, I did the Black History Month one this year. I worked on it for three months, and to be honest, I was very proud of it. It took up two tables, full of historical events and famous figures of black history. Needless to say, since black history is so damn expansive and my space was limited, a lot of people ended up getting left off (especially local people I'd never learned about). The amount of times people told me I left out a person they personally believed should be on it drove me to distraction. Two separate people told me I missed Kamala Harris (which I'll be kicking myself forever about). One woman asked me why I didn't redo the whole display to add one local figure she thought needed to be included. One woman asked me why she herself was not included one the poet's wall, because she was a published author. No, she was not kidding. I guess I should be thrilled that people were actually interacting with it, but at least a few people telling me I did a good job would have been fucking nice.

*To branch off from the black history month display - the city has an anti-discrimination policy when it comes to people reserving rooms for events. The only thing we explicitly do not allow is social events like parties and anyone attempting to sell something; everything else is fair game. This means we get a lot of obnoxious groups whose views we really, really do not agree with - homeschoolers, churches, conservative clubs, and, my personal favorite, the Sons of the Confederacy. Or as Rachel and I like to call them, The Sons of a Bunch of Loser Piss Babies. They had a meeting there during February, and Rachel was working that day. One of them, in his stupid little gray hat, was standing talking to someone...right next to my black history month display. Rachel told me she wanted to take a picture because the juxtaposition was...stark, to say the least. We're really not that surprised Failfuck McStank didn't notice the irony.

*We've had a guy coming in with his guitar and just...hanging out in the study rooms to play. We can't really do anything about it unless he's too loud or someone actively complains, but we're all kind of puzzled about the library being his first choice of places for a jam session.

*There's a pair of teenage girls that have been coming in for about four months now and their punk vibe is immaculate. The first time I ever saw them, one of them had a giant bleach blond mohawk, a leather jacket with studs, hot pink and black striped stockings, and the most badass combat boots I've ever seen. Her friend had a bleach blond buzzcut, a black jean jacket covered in patches, teal leggings, and red converse that were falling apart. Sherri stumbled on them chilling in the kids area, and noticed the buzzcut one was bent over something. She got closer and realized the kid was knitting a scarf. Mohawk comes in more often, and always has a thick book with her, just lounging in the chairs and quietly reading for a few hours. They're my second favorite patrons and hope they never change.

*A woman was interested in attended my classic book club meeting back in June. We were reading Fun Home by Alison Bechdel, so I gave her a copy. She didn't attend the meeting. She returned the book a few days later and said it was "gross". While she was there, she also picked up her inter library loan of a "romance" novel about a woman falling in love with her abusive stepbrother. I'm all for people reading whatever the fuck they want, but I also feel like if you're gonna read stepsibling porn, you don't get to call lesbian comics gross.

*Two women came in with a little boy who was absolutely bouncing off the walls. They did absolutely nothing to control him - one of them was busy talking to someone on her phone (on speaker till someone complained), the other was perusing the shelves - and the kid was just kind of running around being a nuisance. I was walking back from helping someone in the computer lab and saw the kid taking off his shirt. I told him he had to keep his shirt on, and that's when one of the women finally turned to me and said, "He wants to put his Spider-Man costume on." And I'm like, "Lady, that's great, but you're in a public space, not your living room. Have him change in the bathroom." Luckily they didn't hang around long after that, but fucking hell, the entitlement.

*A woman came in to fax a police report to her lawyer, and Sherri and I ended up being privy to the sordid tale of having her car stolen. She was out with a guy she met on Tinder, and they went to a bar in the next town over. They were getting ready to leave, but she wanted to have a cigarette, so they were standing by her car in the parking lot. Suddenly, three police cars come shooting up, right next to them. Turns out the dude she's with has a warrant out for his arrest. He panics, grabs her keys out of her hand, jumps in the car, and fucking peels away. He ended up crashing it into a ditch less than ten miles away, totaling it. She doesn't even know what warrant was for.

*It's very funny whenever I call anyone for reserve reminders or things like that, because people are so used to getting calls from robots and scammers that they're immensely suspicious any time they answer their phone. And it makes the absolute 180 they do into delighted toddlers, excited to get their books, that much funnier. The scenario usually goes like this:

Me: Hi, is this [insert name]?

Patron: *clearly doing the suspicious Fry face* Yeeeees...

Me: This is Blue, at the library! I was just calling to let you know you have a book on reserve ready for pick up!

Patron: *brightening instantly* OMG thank you! Oh, I'm so glad you called! You've made my day, you guys are wonderful!

Never fails to make me chuckle.

*The assistant librarian is in charge of a lot of the teen programs we do, and by far the most popular are her teen book boxes - the kids fill out a form of stuff they enjoy, and she puts together a box of three books, plus crafts and snacks, for them. On average, she does about twenty of them a month. However - because we are located in the heart of Conservative Brainrot Land, where a not insignificant portion of the population thinks if they're a good little conservative who hates what Fox News tells them to, Tucker Carlson will come give them the hug their dad never did - this has also given us great insight into the minds of ultra controlling parents who would encase their kids in wax if that could keep them from learning things they don't want them to. One particularly baffling example started with a mom asking that no "social justice" be included in the box. The next one asked for "no gender identity". This time? No inclusion. Like...I get why she put that. Because inclusivity = woke = liberal = the devil. But like...do these people hear themselves? Do they know what words mean? Also, I told the AL that she should just give the kid an empty box. She did not follow my advice.

*On the flip side of the crazy, controlling parent thing, y'all remember this family from a while ago? The one where the aunt came in and said Pretty Little Liars had opened a satanic portal that drove her niece to a mental hospital? Well, I'm happy to report that I think the mother of that girl might have had a face turn. The same kid just recently returned several books from the Anita Blake series (which are pretty mature as far as sexuality goes), and she's been in talks with the AL to volunteer for us, informing her that she doesn't know her schedule just yet because her mother is letting her start public school. I like to think the mom looked at that whole situation, took a long, hard look at herself in the mirror, and thought, "Ya know what? I don't think I want to be like this anymore. I think this is a problem." And ya know what? Good for her, and good for that girl. I hope it does them both a world of good.

#woe to the librarian #the conservative brain rot is starting to leech into my professional life #and i'll be here to report on it every chance i can

[ivalice-tifalucis]

Blue World

Guys, since TT3 is coming back and we're packing up our hype for the next album, I think let's make another post about Barlliams/Creamcakes aka my favorite ship in Take That crumbs.

I don't know why any of you haven't talked about this yet. Maybe you have but I didn't see it or know but haven't talked about this yet or maybe I've seen you talked about it but I forget for some reason.

In 2018, in one of his now deleted youtube live streaming which I actually watched when it was live (which is rare because I can count on one hand how many times I watch any live stream that he did), he showed this unreleased Take That song likely from Progress era based on the tune that sounds like Eight Letters, the beat that is Progress-like, and even "in requiem" words which become a whole song by Gary in his solo album. If you listen closely, this is clearly a duet between Rob and Gaz.

Edit: Can I just say I was internally screaming in 2018 when I first hear Blue World. We are so parched of CC crumbs that this got me gasping like OMG THAT'S GARY'S VOICE!!!!! (starts from 1:56)

Another time where he played this song again in Coronaoke series on instagram live back in 2020 during early pandemic. In this year, he said the title to this song is "Blue World" and played the song from start to finish. Trying to make this blog entry make me realize he actually played a different version of the song in 2018 and in 2020. I think they are reworking this song, hmmm interesting isn't it?

I tried to write the lyrics based on what I heard and try to tell which part is Robbie and which is Gary. It is hard and I might be wrong because Robbie's higher register and Gary's higher/middle register actually sounds similar which is something that I realized when Gary fill in Robbie's part in Everything Changes (Odyssey Version) in the last part of the song "thinking thinking about you". It took me like couple of listening to finally realize wait a minute, that's Gary's voice not young Robbie's. The only difference is that Gary has that soft edges on his voice while Robbie doesn't have that.

Plus, Robbie was karaoke-ing over this song and being Robbie he doesn't even know the right words of his own songs and sing the wrong words and sometimes just mumbles so I have to pay close attention to the song in the background. There are small parts that I still can't catch what the lyric is. I hope they released this song at some point. Have been waiting since 2018 and still wait patiently.

Edit 2: thanks @beautyofred for the notice. It is “You know how young we were” 😭, "You might be living but we're holding hands", "Can't stand the frequency here". After this, it makes even more sense this song is about them. So in the 2018 version, Blue World is basically like this:

(Gary) Blue world, your fate is calling Blue world, at last control A new world of final curtain calls Look how we've come together Just when we've reached the end In requiem

(Robbie) You know how young we were And feel how much it hurts We might be loving but we're holding hands We might be leaving but we're making plans Below our bleeding sky watching our mother's die It seems forever wasn't long enough Why must we always lose the ones we love?

(Gary) Will moment share it musters? But this fragile blue world With the cruel sunlight burning in our eyes ... And in 2020 it is like this:

(Robbie) Blue world, your fate is calling Blue world, at last control A new world of final curtain calls (Gary) Look how we've come together Just when we've reached the end In requiem

(Both) You know how young you were And feel how much it hurts You might be leaving but we're holding hands We might be dying but we're making plans Below our bleeding sky watching our mother's cry It seems forever wasn't long enough Why must we always lose the ones we love? (Robbie) Will moment share it musters? But this fragile blue world With the cruel sunlight burning in our eyes (Gary) You said, I don't know if I could love you for the rest of your life But I’ll love you for the rest of mine That we're led around your silent heart (Robbie) A blue balloon on a barbwire The weather on the ground is catching fire now And when you hear that sound (Both) You know how young we were And feel how much it hurts You might be leaving but we're holding hands We might be dying but we're making plans Below our bleeding sky watching our mother's die It seems forever wasn't long enough Why must we always lose the ones we love? (I'm sure this part changes at this 3rd reff but I can't catch what it is)

(Both) Because can't stand the frequency here Call my name and I'll appear I'm traveling at the speed of light When nothing matters but the life that seep your eyes (Gary) Hold us together Hold us together Hold us together Hold us together I know a secret about you

(Both) You know how young we were And feel how much it hurts You might be leaving but we're holding hands We might be dying but we're making plans Below our bleeding sky watching our mother's cry You know forever wasn't long enough Why must we always lose the ones we love?

You know how young we were (Hold us together) And feel how much it hurts (Hold us together) You might be leaving but we're holding hands (Hold us together) ....

#gary barlow #robbie williams #barlliams #creamcakes #take that #future take that album?? #or future barlliams album that we have robbed from since 2012????? #i wasn't there in 2012 tho so maybe i'm not the one who got robbed lol #my ramblings #Youtube

[vampirecatboy]

getting really tired of living this way, in a body that doesn't feel like mine, seeing a face in the mirror that i don't recognize, none of it is me, none of it is who i'm supposed to be

at the beginning of the year, i had set a goal to start transitioning this year, and i'm running out of time. i came out to my family in august of 2019. i was so scared of things changing between me and my family, but instead, my mom used the wrong pronouns minutes after i came out, and i didn't have the courage to correct her. nothing changed. it was like nothing happened, like i hadn't said anything, and that was far worse than things changing

but i'm sick of feeling this way. i want to transition, but i can't come out to my family first this time. i'm going to tell my therapist, and hope she's supportive. it's a big risk. if i come out to her and things don't go well, i'm going to want a new therapist, and the process of finding one who's good and also trans friendly is not something i want to put myself through right now

i've been seeing her for 6 years, she's helped me through a lot, and the thought of starting over really scares me, but i have to take that risk. it comes with the territory. almost everyone loses important relationships after they come out, and i'm unsure of how things will go

i want to write her a letter, like i did when i first wanted to talk about my mom's abuse. i want to read it to her so i don't stutter and stumble while trying to improvise an explanation.

i wish i had my friends to talk this through with. they were my only support system when it comes to gender. but shit happened, and i don't have them anymore.

i need advice from other trans people, transmasc, transfem, unaligned, anyone who's come out or transitioned or both. i don't care if we've ever talked, or if we're mutuals, if you have advice on how to go about this, i'll take it

tl;dr: i want to start transitioning, but i need to come out to my therapist first, i have no idea if she'll be supportive but i feel like i need to try. if you have advice on how to proceed, whether or not we've talked or are mutuals, i would happily take it

#stuff and things #don't know what to tag this as #not sure i want to put it in the relevant tags #i'm just looking for advice #tldr at the end in case you don't want to read my sob story

[evandarya]

Seeds of the Father

Chapter 4

A Seed Has Few Friends, But a Tree Has Many Enemies

{Read on AO3}{Chapter 3}

Danny leaned against the car door with his arms crossed and watched the gas pump count up. They were about ten miles outside of Chicago, and they had to make a decision. Either continue north to Wisconsin or start heading east.

Wisconsin had a portal that Grandfather didn't know about. He could use it and ask for help. But from who? Clockwork wouldn't help unless the whole world was in danger. Frostbite rarely left the Far Frozen. None of the other ghosts would help him without cause. And he couldn't risk leading Grandfather right to the portal. 

The gas pump clicked at twenty dollars and Danny hung it back up and screwed the gas cap back on before popping the hood and checking the oil. He knew the Corpse Mobile leaked, and they couldn't afford to break down on the side of the road. He topped up the oil and the coolant before shutting the hood with a dull thud. Jazz, Sam, and Tucker were heading out of the store with a couple of bags of snacks. They all climbed in.

"Alright, grouchy butt, what's the verdict?" Jazz asked from behind the wheel.

"Head east, toward New Jersey,"  He said almost reluctantly. 

Jazz started the car with a nod and pulled out onto the road.

"What's in New Jersey?" Sam asked. 

"Gotham City, and Batman," Danny said, grabbing a sports drink out of one of the bags. 

"We're asking the Justice League for help? I thought we wouldn't do that again after they threatened to have us charged with 'misuse of emergency services'" Tucker said.

"We aren't asking the Justice League for help, we are asking Batman," Danny clarified. 

"What makes you think he's going to listen?" Sam asked.

"Because Batman is my father," Danny said, not meeting his friend's eyes.

It was silent in the car for a few minutes before "WHAT?"

Sam and Tucker began speaking at once, talking over each other.

"Your dad is Batman?"

"Why didn't you tell us?"

"Your dad is BATMAN?"

"This is a big thing to keep secret!"

"The Batman?!"

"Did you not trust us? After everything we've been through?"

Danny rubbed his eyes. He was too tired for this, and he had a headache from keeping the car invisible for so long. "Will you let me explain?" 

Sam and Tucker quieted down and Danny took a few moments to gather his thoughts. 

"My birth family, or, my mother and Grandfather, are assassins. They raised me and my twin brother as assassins. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to be scared of me, or stop hanging out with me. We didn't have friends in the League, just allies. I liked having friends. I didn't want to lose you." 

"You have a twin?" Tucker asked.

"Danny," Sam said softly. "We wouldn't have…"

"Sam. Normal three-year-olds learn letters and numbers. We learned about the weak points of the human body. While you were learning how to write we were learning how to maintain weapons. When is the right time to mention something like that?" 

Sam got quiet, fiddling with the hem of her skirt. 

"And Batman?" Tucker asked. "How do you know he's your father?" 

"Mother would tell us about our father. It was my brother's favorite story to hear." 

"Wait, do you know who Batman is?" Sam asked.

"Yes." It was quiet for a minute while Danny's friends digested that information. 

"Who is it?" Tucker asked.

"I shouldn't say. It's not really my secret to tell." 

"Danny" Jazz chimed in. "They’re going to find out eventually." 

Danny sighed. "Okay, but this is a Phantom-level secret. Swear on the nub." Danny held out his left hand, amputated pinky outstretched. 

Sam wrapped her pinkie around the digit immediately, but Tucker hesitated.

"I hate swearing on the nub," He said before wrapping his pinkie around the finger as well. 

"Batman is Bruce Wayne."

The car fell silent, the only sound was the rumble of the engine as Jazz drove down the highway. Tucker was the first to speak.

"If Bruce Wayne is Batman, and Batman is your father, then that means your brother is Damian Wayne, who is Robin with swords." Tucker looked at Danny as if asking for confirmation. Danny nodded. "That's badass."

***

"He has a security system that automatically sends a message to him," Danny said, keeping watch down both sides of the hall.

"I can bypass that, easy," Tucker said, typing on a new, clean PDA that had been in one of the go bags Danny had grabbed. 

"No, let it go through, but change the message to ‘Borrowing your place for the weekend, Fruit loop.’”

"Ha. Okay, and…done." Tucker unlocked the door to the penthouse apartment and it swung open on silent hinges. 

They all piled into Vlad's Gotham apartment. Sam and Jazz went to investigate the bedroom situation while Danny unpacked the three duffle bags he had grabbed before they left. Two of them were go-bags he had prepared and stashed in the lab. They mostly contained clothes for him and Jazz as well as some emergency cash and untraceable phones. The third was the one Maddie had handed him. Inside he found the power sources for what seemed to be all the Fenton weapons. Danny started shifting through the glowing green cores. What was he supposed to do with these? His fingers brushed against something else and he pulled out a cube-shaped object. 

"What's that?" Tucker asked from his place on the couch.

"It's an Ectoplasmic Disrupter, but it doesn't work," Danny said, tossing the cube back into the bag before zipping it up.

"What are we going to do, Danny?" Tucker asked, a bit of worry creeping into his voice. Danny didn't know. There wasn't much he could do against his grandfather. But Batman has fought him before and defeated him before.

"Right now, we are going to get some sleep. Tomorrow we are going to ask Wayne to help us. We'll go from there," He said. It wasn't a plan, he was aware of that, but if he had a plan he wouldn't be here; squatting in his evil uncle's apartment and begging for help from a father he's never met. "We'll figure it out."

***

"The benefit is being held on the top floor of the art gallery," Danny said. "Wayne rented out the entire top floor, but the ground floor and second floor are still open to the public." 

"I can't believe your dad is Bruce Wayne and you never said anything," Tucker said, awe and disappointment mixed in his voice.

"He's not my dad, he's just a sperm donor," Danny said with annoyance. "And it doesn't matter, anyway. I'm not asking for his help because he's my father." 

"I still don't believe he's Batman," Sam chimed in from where she was hemming a dress on the sofa with Jazz. "I've met this man, he's as sharp as a marble."

Danny didn't respond. He finished tightening the final screw on the modified Fenton Phones. It had taken some doing to make them harder to see, but he finally got them finished. 

"Why can't we just stand out on the roof and wait?" Tucker asked.

"We'd have to figure out where he's going to be, and there's no guarantee he'd listen, or how he'd react. As Bruce, we know where he's going to be, and he's stuck by social convention not to make a scene in public." Danny said. "How are those fake invitations coming?"

"I'm trying to add us to the guest list, but the security is really good," Tucker said. "We may need to go with plan 'P.' 

"I'll keep that in mind," Danny said. "Once we're inside, Sam will need to act as a distraction. I can not be spotted by Damian. He's unpredictable and doesn't care about public image. Sam, you're best suited to distract him if needed. He's a vegetarian and an animal rights activist, so you should have a lot to talk about."

"Danny," Jazz said. "You can't avoid your brother forever."

"I'm not avoiding him. He isn't going to take my being alive well, and I'd rather not have a fight in public," Danny said. 

"I got in!" Tucker said with surprise. "I can get us into the guest list… What names should I use?"

Danny paused; it couldn't be that easy. After a moment of thought, he said "Royce and Violet Bryson." 

"Danny," Sam started. "We aren't going to pass as siblings, we look too different."

"It would raise less suspicion if you two went as a couple, anyway," Jazz said.

"Okay, Violet Baudelaire, then."

"No. I veto any pop culture references."

"Oh, come on, you love those books."

"Veto!"

***

Danny wound through the gallery, arm in arm with Sam. They were both dressed to the nines, Danny in a navy three-piece vested suit with a light blue tie, and Sam in a knee-length black cocktail dress with a teal sash tied around her waist. He wanted to be upset that Vlad had formal wear made for him and Jazz. He assumed they were part of some elaborate scheme to get them to agree to be his children that either hasn’t been put into play yet, or the fruitloop scrapped at some point. But with the situation as it were, he was just glad to have something that would help them blend in. 

“I know that Vlad is a crazy person, but he has taste,” Sam said as they passed a window and caught sight of their reflection. “Are you okay with this?” she asked, gesturing to their joined arms. “It’s not too awkward?”

Danny knew she was referring to their disastrous month-long dating experiment. “Sam, I am about to break into my father’s benefit to ask for his help to save my adopted parents from my homicidal grandfather. I think I can handle fake dating for a few hours.” 

Sam giggled “Well when you put it like that…” 

Tucker’s voice cut in on the Fenton Phone in Danny’s ear. “I can’t get into the cameras guys. I’m blind.” 

“There is also a lot more security than we were expecting,” Jazz said. He could just make out her red hair across the room, milling with the general population as close to the elevators as she could get. 

“They’re looking for us,”  Sam whispered. 

“No, They are looking for Royce Bryson and Violet Jenkins. Not Samantha Manson and Guest,” Danny said as they approached the elevator. Sam handed over her invitation to the guard at the elevator and he let them pass. The elevator ride to the top floor was quick but nerve-wracking. Danny was very aware of the camera in the ceiling, and it took everything in him not to look directly into it. 

“Don’t be nervous,” Sam said, patting his arm. “It’s going to be fine.”

“I’m just glad you were able to convince your parents this is why we left in the first place,” Danny said. He was sure Mr. and Mrs. Manson wouldn’t hesitate to charge him with kidnapping.

“You know what they said when I called? ‘Try and make friends with Wayne’s son,” Sam’s imitation of her mother’s voice was spot on. “he’s your age, and of much better stock than the Fenton boy.’” Sam said with a smile. Danny laughed. Actually laughed for the first time in days. It felt good. 

As soon as the elevator doors opened, all the good feelings vanished. Bruce and Damian Wayne were waiting there to greet them.

#twins au #danny phantom #danny fenton #batman #dc comics #crossover #fanfic #damian wayne

[everythingsinred]

Let's Talk About NatsuMikan: Mikan (pt. 39)

I'm sorry. What lies ahead is more of a rant than anything else. It's not required reading in any case. Feel free to read if you want my take on the specific reasons why this ending is so lackluster.

We've come really far to get here, though! If you've read every part of to this, that is CRAZY. I think it's crazy someone would write so much about this, and I was the one who did it. Maybe we're both crazy.

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Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Eight

Time to meet Mikan! A second-year high school student living in a village near the ocean who lives with her grandpa and a strange bear. She has two friends who don’t seem to wear the uniform. Her life is simple, from the outside.

But she is a person shrouded in mystery! Even to herself! She has lost two whole years of memories due to an illness she had as a child. In her mind, she suddenly went from being in the fifth grade to entering middle school, which must have been jarring for her. All she knows is her grandpa, an ever-present bouquet whose flowers never wilt, and a teddy bear who came with a letter from a mysterious sender, whose name has been redacted. But this bear is not a normal bear! He is animate and can move and clean (and beat her up). The strangest thing is that it only moves in front of her and her Jii-chan. Mikan’s reputation in the village has been affected by this strangeness in her life. She is viewed as being an odd girl, a bit of a space case. 

Mikan is the crazy girl in the village. I would have loved to see more of that...

It seems Mikan has always been a weirdo. I speculated at the start of this essay that Mikan didn't always fit in with kids in her village, and it seems that's still the case now. Where Mikan thrived was Alice Academy, where she was surrounded by fellow weirdos, where she made amazing friends and bonds that would last forever.

Despite the bear’s strangeness, she is very close to him. He’s a part of the little family she has with Jii-chan. 

Mikan may be a strange girl surrounded by strange things, but she is an optimistic and cheerful girl who likes to look forward to every new day. 

At the end of the school day, Mikan’s teacher warns his students about mysterious disappearances and suspicious people in town. All of the victims seem to be girls Mikan’s age, so the police warn against teen girls walking by themselves. Mikan finds this situation strange since their town is so peaceful and idyllic, and doesn’t seem like the place for a string of kidnappings. The teacher freaks out and insists on Mikan paying attention, shaking her by the shoulders and telling her to take care of herself or else he’ll have to watch over her 24/7… which is gross. Get away, Mikan!

Seeing her get harassed isn't enjoyable though. I hatE her stupid friends. Gross. Creepy. Unsettling. One of her friends is a grown man in disguise. I want to rip his head off.

Mikan leaves school crying after that ordeal and her friends just laugh it off, teasing her for being the teacher’s favorite and what bad luck that must bring. I don’t find it funny but nobody asked me! In any case, her friends write off their teacher’s concern because of Mikan’s cuteness, which she seems to love hearing.

Clubs and afterschool activities have been canceled because of the kidnappings, so we have a sense of how dangerous these events are. 

Someone calls out to her on their way home--a boy who wants to talk in private. Her friends muse on how many guys confess to Mikan despite her “common” looks--and I must reiterate again how important it is to me that Mikan is not some drop-dead gorgeous model like Nobara or Hotaru are clearly made out to be. Also her friends suck. They figure her mystery might be attractive to boys, and that might be true, but I think her sweetness and bubbly energy might also play a role.

He does indeed confess to her and Mikan apologizes, citing her ignorance in the world of dating. She thanks him for liking her but turns him down. Her rejection of him is not personal at all, and thus wholly non-offensive. She doesn’t seem uncomfortable or put off by his affections, and I think that might soften the blow of her rejection a little.

Her friends scold her for turning him down, since he’s smart and in a prestigious club, and Mikan concedes that he did seem cool, but that she won’t date for anything less than love. They continue to bully her for rejecting him when love comes after dating, and Mikan sees their point, especially because she hasn’t had her first love yet, but she is sure, somehow, that she did love someone during the time she lost. As a result, whenever she talks to a boy, no matter how impressive or cool he seems, she always compares him to that feeling of love she still carries with her, for a person she doesn’t even remember. 

Ah, the consistent endurance of love. The question of whether love is something that can be forgotten or whether it becomes a function as natural as breathing or digestion. For Mikan, it seems to be the latter. She remembers that she was--is still--in love with someone, and dating carries no interest to her if it can’t compare to that feeling. 

The love is certainly not past tense, either, because she still feels it--an ache, a pain, a lonely feeling. She misses this person. 

There's potential here but no follow through. What we get is just endless disappointment.

They stop by the ocean and Mikan relishes the moment, always happy to see the sea, as if she is watching it for someone else too. She recalls feeling that way watching the snow fall, looking at the sky, feeling happy like she was watching for somebody else, and then explicably crying, unable to stop. No matter what she does or experiences, her heart is pulled to that love.

And what do I think of all this?

It’s pretty confusing, the way it’s written. It’s no secret I fucking hate these chapters, and there’s a lot of reasons, but this scene is something I can’t relish in because it can be read a few ways and I can’t help but feel like I know which is the way Higuchi intended it. 

It’s pretty clear from the blurry panels of forgotten memories that Mikan is thinking of multiple people as she stares into the ocean, thinking of Hotaru as she stares at the snow. And yet, this whole monologue of hers seems to be thinking of one person. What does this mean?

Well, primarily, I think Mikan’s amnesia mixes the love up, and I feel l want to believe that’s narratively intentional, that Mikan loves and misses many people, but can’t parse out that fact. Instead it feels like she just loved one person that much that everything reminds her of a love she can’t remember. 

In my opinion, this love is varied, because she loved a lot of people in different ways: friends, family, Natsume (who has always been different). I think she is put off by romance because of her enduring romantic love for Natsume, but it’s not only Natsume that she thinks of when she sees the ocean. Mikan loved so many people and now she misses them, all the friends and teachers and classmates and family she met and lost. It would make sense then that amnesia!Mikan might look at the moon and think of Natsume, or at the stars and think of her mother. Maybe she hears a violin and misses Sumire, or cries whenever she studies because she wishes Yuu was there--all without actually remembering the person, just the love. As a result, because she knew and loved so many people, she would get reminded of that love whenever she does anything. 

What puts me off about this is the rest of this arc and the unproportional emphasis on Hotaru. I already hate the choice to have Hotaru save Natsume so her fate hasn’t actually been sad to me for a few years now--just deeply annoying and pointless. I am of the opinion that Mikan entering the academy was a change for her, that she was a weird girl in her old village, who didn’t have many close friends until she met Hotaru. Then she went to the Academy and was able to make many friends with people who loved and accepted her. She finally found somewhere she belonged. 

These ending chapters, thus, should have been about her enduring love for everyone, how the bonds she made at the Academy were impossible to forget. Instead, the reunion with Natsume and her entire class is condensed to one chapter--and very little of it is pleasant--with the entire final chapter being about Hotaru, as if to make the point that despite all of the love Mikan gathered and gained, Hotaru is still the person she loves the most, and by a huge margin, almost to the point where her other loved ones don't really matter at all.

AnyWAY, the kidnappers have found her and Mikan is terrified and confused. A mysterious explosion seems to save her from the kidnappers, and when she looks through the flames, she can see the silhouette of a person in the distance, a silhouette that makes her heart beat faster. She instantly becomes overwhelmed, because now it’s not just external events confusing her; she’s confounded by what’s going on inside of her head too. 

On the other side of her, another man knocks the kidnappers out with his hand powers. And that makes her heart beat too. But Mikan assumes her discomfort around this new man is because he must be part of the kidnapping group. 

Reminding myself that this is a ship essay and that Higuchi gave me a couple crumbs to work with... There's just not even enough to make a crouton with.

Then it turns out Shi-chan is actually Goshima in disguise and if you aren’t touched or particularly interested in this redemption, join the club! The “Goshima has been by Mikan’s side for years, protecting her” idea means absolutely nothing to me when it all happened in one condensed chapter, when he’s been seen bullying and even physically hurting her in his girl disguise, and when I never really cared about Goshima as a character to begin with. Too little, too late, too weird. I find this off-putting, actually. Whose idea was it to trust Goshima with anything after he’s been established to not be trustworthy, just for the sake of giving him a chance to “redeem himself”? For all the nonsense about Mikan having to forget everything just in case she gets targeted by enemies, they sure did take a huge risk letting Goshima anywhere near her after he knowingly caused her mom’s death.

Anyway, Mikan is overwhelmed and confused, because her close friend just turned into a man and there’s a lot of weirdos around and they’re talking about stuff she doesn’t understand--

And then she bumps into someone as she’s backing away, someone who instantly grabs her hand and pulls her closer.

Chapter One Hundred and Seventy-Nine

Her heart beats fast again, and for some reason, looking at this guy makes her think of that feeling of love she had mused on before, how she somehow knows she was in love before. Somehow, just looking at him and touching him, makes her feel like this stranger knows her, makes her feel something strange and yet unbearably familiar. She knows she’s felt this before--

The potential of this! It's almost interesting but it only lasts three seconds, so who cares?

The stranger gropes her chest.

But of course he does! This arc SUCKS! There’s so little good about it, why would the NatsuMikan reunion be any different??? I am ANGRY. I HATE this arc, not even joking. I’m not exaggerating; I genuinely hate this finale.

Anyway. 

She starts freaking out--understandably--that this stranger, who made her feel feelings she was sure she wouldn’t find with any of the other guys who confessed to her, felt her up out of the blue for no fucking reason. She starts screaming for help but he seems unbothered. All of the strange men seem unbothered, actually. 

Then, to make matters even worse, three new weirdos arrive. I don’t know why they thought it was a good idea to ambush her with so many strange people at once, all of whom are men, right after she’d been almost kidnapped. They talk about and at her without her knowing them and it’s uncomfortable. If you think I only dislike Natsume’s first actions with her here, you’re wrong! All of it is thoughtless and inconsiderate. 

Who thought to themselves, “Y’know there’s a string of alice-related kidnappings near Mikan and she’s been warned not to walk by herself because these are predominantly male attacks on young female victims her age, so we should make sure to save her with an all-male team of suspicious characters who are sure to act strangely and frighten her”? Because whoever did is a fucking idiot.

Why am I surprised though? It’s one of the teachers for sure, and the Academy staff hasn’t impressed me much this whole manga. 

They seem to know her name and talk about her like they’re familiar with her, which only freaks her out more. She lays eyes on a blond person who is supposed to be handsome and princely according to her thoughts (but I always despaired about how the finale boys look more than twice the age they’re supposed to be and are bizarrely broad). 

But they all voice the same sentiment that the blond boy brings up: they have missed her and wanted to see her for a long time. They’re going to take her away. 

Mikan considers this: a group of strange men appears at just the right time to save her from kidnappers, and they claim to be friends from a time she has forgotten, and now want to take her away from home. 

She starts to run away, horrified, because obviously these guys are also kidnappers!

She despairs about why her life has to be so messy and mysterious, just as that gropey guy jumps in front of her to stop her from escaping. They make eye contact and the build-up here is that something drastic might happen, that she wouldn’t be off-base if she assumed he’d attack her somehow.

Instead, she is embraced by this stranger, and she’s taken aback by the sudden and uncalled-for sweetness. Until he starts screaming at her that he isn’t about to let her go. He says more cryptic stuff about searching for her endlessly, about how it felt to wake up without her, how hard he had to work to stay alive for this moment, that she shouldn’t have forgotten him.

And poor Mikan can only stand in his arms and listen, overwhelmed but undoubtedly touched somehow. 

“Even if you have forgotten your memories, and the alice stone you had back then, you are mine.” 

Mikan starts to cry, remembering that she had once been in love with someone, that she had turned down every guy who approached her because no matter how cool or handsome they were, they could never compare to that feeling of loving someone so much--a feeling that she only feels in this stranger’s arms. 

Ahh...

Without understanding why, she hugs him back and cries in his arms, thinking about how she feels with this crazy dude she just met, her entire body overcome with electricity, with the “painful intensity of love.” Yes, love, for someone she just met. Love, for someone she’s loved for a long time, even though she’s forgotten him.

Because even though his name and face and all the memories with him have been forgotten, the love she has for him has never budged.

She cries and hugs him until her attention is drawn to his pocket, where something is flickering. He pulls it out to show her, a little pebble. He puts it in her hand and it is instantly resorbed, and WHOOSH!

She starts to cry. Because she remembers everything now! Just like that!

It’s almost as if having her lose all her memories two chapters ago didn’t actually MEAN ANYTHING! The lack of build up to this moment, the all-over-the-place quality of these chapters… it just doesn’t feel as exciting as it should.

It all just feels pointless. Or at least it does to me. Like. What was the point?

She says Natsume’s name as she cries, instant relief at being able to see someone she was sure she would never see again, someone who had maybe even died. Yet here he is, right in front of her, alive. She has recovered her memories so now when Natsume hugs her again, it’s not out of the blue and she instantly reciprocates. 

Insert witty or sappy comment here.

She is then greeted with an onslaught of “What about me?” and “Do you remember me?”, which she answers in the affirmative for all. 

This whole scene is pretty rushed and unsatisfying but Mikan has a happy reunion with people she loves and now remembers. 

Chapter One Hundred and Eighty

I don’t relish analyzing these chapters because I hate them. There isn’t much to analyze, really, but there is a lot to critique and I don’t like being negative about Gakuen Alice, so I prefer to just ignore these chapters whenever I can. In fact, most of the time I'm able to forget these chapters enough that they don't feel like a part of canon at all to me, giving me the opportunity to consider alternate and better endings. I like very little that is offered here. These chapters just piss me off, and that sucks because I set out on this essay because I knew that the manga has so much to offer in terms of intelligent story-telling and this ending just messes it all up.

It is apparently a miracle that Mikan has managed to regain her memories, even if it’s a small portion of what she’s lost (and that feels pointless too). But Mikan is sure she didn’t cause the miracle, because she heard a voice when she resorbed the alice stone that wished she’d regain her lost memories. That girl’s voice set off a big wave of memory, apparently. So it wasn’t even the alice stone. 

Apparently, even though she was surrounded by people she loves, nobody’s voice or appearance unlocked any solid memories, but Hotaru’s disembodied voice does? Now, I don’t like that at all, personally, because to me it seems antithetical to Mikan’s character and undermines the love she has for everyone else, both her romantic love for Natsume and her platonic love for her friends and family. This last chapter irritates me so much, in fact, because it seems to be making the point that Mikan doesn’t just love Hotaru the most, but that she loves her so much more than everyone else, and those kinds of revelations being shared openly in front of everyone else who loves her just rubs me the wrong way and gives me a gross feeling.

I find it hard to picture that Mikan’s love for the others couldn’t even come close. It’s stupid.

I'm so mad. Mikan, didn't Jii-chan teach you any manners? What the actual fuck would make you say something like that in front of all these people who love you? That's so annoying. This chapter is not canon to me, I'm sorry.

She even says she “always loved that person more than others” IN FRONT OF EVERYONE ELSE AROUND HER. All these people who have been missing her and waiting to see her, and she just says “I love someone else way more than y’all!” like it’s no big deal!

And that’s why I dislike the scene in 178, where Mikan talks about her overpowering love for one person. Because to Higuchi, this isn’t an amalgamation love thing, it’s focused solely on Hotaru, implying that sure, maybe Mikan is happy to see all her friends again, but the person she’s cried over and missed for all these years is just Hotaru. It sucks, man.

Mikan was a lonely person before she went to the academy. Sure, she went to chase Hotaru, but there's so many bonds and relationships she built while at that school, with teachers, with classmates, with her upperclassmen, all people who impacted her and changed her and made her better. People she cried about leaving, people she didn't want to forget. People she was willing to lock herself in a labyrinth to save, people she would have put herself in danger for.

This final chapter says those people don't matter. The only person who matters or has ever mattered is Hotaru. It makes me feel gross, because that's not the story we've been reading.

Anyway, they all fill her in and Mikan has to deal with Goshima, who murdered her mom, and we have to watch yet another moment of her blindly forgiving someone because holding grudges is bad! Then again, Mikan apparently doesn’t even remember her parents, so her forgiveness isn’t entirely informed by actual memories or feelings, just the general vibe that Goshima is nice now and shouldn’t feel bad about murder anymore. 

You're a creep, Goshima! Who the hell would trust you, that doesn't even make sense! It's not "mercy", it's stupidity. Let him prove himself in some other way, not with the duty of protecting your niece, the daughter of the woman he killed. All of Shi-chan's actions are ten thousand times worse when you keep in mind that was actually a grown man.

“Everyone needs to smile!” and just get over whatever bad stuff happens, I guess. If someone wrongs you, you have to forgive them, or else you’re just being a negative nancy!

SHE EVEN ENDS UP APOLOGIZING TO HIM for not appreciating how much pain HE was in! I HATE THIS ENDING SO FUCKING MUCH.

“Let’s just forget about it!” I hate this ending.

There’s absolutely no attention paid to pain, to suffering, to abuse. There’s no respect given to characters like Natsume who underwent horrific trauma at the hands of abusive teachers, a character who might not feel as inclined to forgive as Mikan is. There’s no appropriate time spent considering these feelings. There's no care here. Instead, Higuchi’s narrative implies that bad things should be forgotten and you should in fact apologize to those who wronged you for not realizing they’re in pain!

(I actually did reference this in ATRAD, so if this seems familiar, that’s why. I put a lot of emphasis on Luna and forgiveness, and Mikan’s feeling as if she should forgive because that’s what she’s supposed to do, and what would bring happiness to everyone else. I specifically talked about it because of how much it bothered me in the manga.

“Well, Luna and I were talking about the past issues here.” Kuonji gestured between the two girls. “Now, Mikan, we all know that what Luna did was horrible. Luna knows better than anyone that it was wrong. She’s talked to me about it and I think it causes her more pain than it does you, knowing that her actions caused you pain.”

“She tried to kill me,” Mikan muttered. 

“Now, imagine how she feels, knowing that?” Kuonji said gently. )

I feel no desire to talk about this boring information that gets dumped on us all of a sudden in the last chapter. What’s the point? It’s irrelevant. This is the LAST chapter of Gakuen Alice and it’s used as an information dump to justify the nonsense that’s happening, that undermines everything else. What’s there to analyze?

Whatever.

It's a combination of things. I hate Hotaru's role in this end. I hate Mikan's behavior in this chapter. I hate that nearly every page in this chapter is text heavy and loaded with new information that has no place in a finale. I hate that nothing matters. They all deserved better.

Mikan is reminded of Hotaru’s name and she has a little breakdown trying to get why that name is the only one on her heart (WHAT???), when she meets even more people--including Shiki, and she’s told that Mikan is crucial in the efforts to find this Hotaru person. Mikan is again brought to tears when she hears Hotaru’s voice wishing her a happy birthday, recorded on mushrooms that Ruka has kept all this time. 

Mikan is then given a choice: to leave with these people as a quasi-Alice, to help save Hotaru, or to forget everything again and go back to her normal life.

The fact that anybody is concerned about what she’ll choose is fucking stupid.

It’s not even a choice. Obviously we know what she picks.

But her reasoning is for some reason entirely about Hotaru, and saving Hotaru, when all her other friends are standing around her hoping that this isn’t the last time they see her. THIS PISSES ME OFF.

She then meets all her other classmates all at once. Randomly. It’s rushed, it’s not heartfelt. It feels like things are being done just to finish them. The only thing of any value is the memory that Mikan wanted to see the ocean with everyone when things at the Academy become better. And it looks like things are better! So they’re all together at the beach! Yay! I don’t care.

It’s time to go on a trip to save Hotaru! Right away. Like right now. And even though Mikan is reuniting with everyone she’s loved at the Academy, the only one who actually matters is Hotaru for some reason. 

I remember looking through the raws of this chapter when it first came out and the empty, stirring feeling in my stomach. The lack of interest I had in anything that was happening visually, the huge bubbles of text, the presence of way too many characters. This should go without saying but I didn't actually read any translation of this ending until years after it came out. I've probably read these final chapters 3-4 times total since they came out. They're just not important to my experience of this story at all.

Do I like Mikan chasing after Hotaru at the end just like she did in the beginning? Hmm. No. I hate it. I hate Hotaru saving Natsume for Mikan’s sake. I hate Hotaru being stuck in time-space. I hate Mikan acting the exact same as she did in the first chapter, as though she didn't grow or change at all, as if all the love she’s gained with other people doesn’t compare at all to her love for Hotaru, downplaying how much everyone else means by a lot. I hate the open-endedness. I hate that none of the reunions hold any weight and none of them make me feel anything, not even the NatsuMikan one.

ME. I don’t feel ANYTHING in these chapters but annoyance. I’m the kind of person who cries just thinking about Pengy or Natsume and Ruka’s backstory. I cry all the time. I cried watching House almost every episode. I cried watching the lamest romcoms known to man. I cry everytime I watch a true crime documentary and everytime a mom says "I'm proud of you" to her kid on TV and everytime I look too long at my cat. I cry about fucking EVERYTHING. And Higuchi didn’t make me feel fucking anything with the finale to her manga. 

I’m sick and tired of these chapters. They’re not canon to me. They feel disrespectful to me and annoying and I hate them. I prefer Kageki, or even better--imagining an entirely different ending, particularly because of Mikan. Anyway.

It’s no secret, I think, that I hate the GA finale. I am not a big fan of the way Natsume’s death was resolved, or how Ruka’s arc was left hanging open, or how Hotaru got trapped in space time. I don’t like that everything that happens to Mikan in the end doesn’t even matter, that everything in the ending is pointless and results in no change, no development, no consequence. 

I’ve said before that I personally can’t write unhappy endings, but I can sometimes cope with them in other people’s stories if that’s the best resolution for the characters. GA is a strange example of an ending because it wanted to have both a happy and unhappy ending, which just resulted in it being a meh ending at best (and excruciatingly irritating at worst). The ending insults all of Mikan’s non-Hotaru relationships and all the readers who liked them. The reunions are all rushed and thus none of it makes an emotional impact. 

The worst part, in my opinion, is that the chapters leading up to this finale (so the last couple dozen) aren’t much better because they lend a hand to this. Character arcs are the most important part of a story’s narrative in a work like this. This manga has been incredibly well-written up to this part, particularly in regards to most of the main four having well-defined arcs. There’s three types of character arcs, I think:

Character evolution would usually refer to any kind of change, but for the sake of clarity, for this, I’ll use it as a positive change. Think of a character who has trust issues. Character evolution would mean that he eventually starts trusting in people. The story would climax with his trust in someone being tested and him choosing to trust anyway. That’s what character-based storytelling is all about, fulfilling someone’s character arc by addressing their faults and obstacles.

I’ll use the term character “devolution” to refer to a character arc where the character has a negative arc progression. Technically, this is character evolution as well, just of the negative variety, but for clarity’s sake I’ll call it devolution or deterioration. Let’s say, there’s a character who just wants to protect her younger sister. Over the course of the narrative, her actions become more and more drastic and she does increasingly atrocious things in the name of protecting her sister until she’s become something akin to a monster, maybe even the story’s villain. A well-written character arc does not have to be focused on positive change.

The last type of character arc would be… none. Some characters are called “static” which means they stay the same throughout the story. The story isn’t circled around testing them or pushing them into developing. Characters like this are more involved in challenging other characters.

I think Hotaru is more or less a static character. She becomes a little more open with her emotions, sure, but the little changes she makes are almost imperceptible on a narrative level. If you look at the individual arcs and think about Hotaru’s actions, she rarely plays an active role. She is usually a catalyst for Mikan’s actions, or a strong supportive role. It’s what her character does best because that’s just what static characters do! I don’t think there’s much wrong with characters like this, and people use “static” as a negative term way too often, but I strongly believe Hotaru would make that same sacrifice for Mikan in chapter one that she makes at the end, which makes the action less potent. Mikan’s desire to be able to sacrifice comes from being inspired by Hotaru’s sacrifice. Hotaru doing what she’s always done as the climactic action in the manga sucks out all the narrative potency from the ending when there’s two characters with unresolved arcs. Hotaru would have worked best in a strong support role here, and I think it would have been more meaningful to have Hotaru chase Mikan rather than the other way around again. 

I’ve seen that referred to and praised as some kind of narrative bookend or parallel, but to me it always felt lazy, like there was no real change to Mikan or Hotaru’s characters for all of these almost two hundred chapters. It rubs me the wrong way, and maybe that’s because I’m focusing too much on character arcs and narrative, but hey! That’s what I was trained to look at in college, so I can’t change this about myself.

Exhibit B is Ruka, who I think was pushed to the side unceremoniously and whose arc was completely ignored. Yes, I did mention character devolution. It’s possible that a good arc for Ruka would look like him being faced with the opportunity to save Natsume and, despite his very best efforts, not being able to, or even making things worse inadvertently, suddenly feeling like he’s received proof after all these years that he truly is a burden. That’s a sad arc progression, but it works narratively. It would seem strange in a work like GA, which tries to be positive, but it works. But he didn’t get that. Ruka is too easily escorted from the action, from the climax, entirely sidelined. Ruka’s arc is pretty clear--what his biggest issue is and what he needs to change about himself in order to live a successful life is painted for us from the beginning. He’s not static like Hotaru, especially because his character arc is brought up multiple times in multiple arcs and he makes a little progress each time, as a way to tease a huge event on the horizon where he will be fully confronted with his burden complex. He is not given this opportunity and the spotlight is ceaselessly handed elsewhere, making his character inconsequential when it comes to Natsume’s death. A spit in the face.

The only character whose arc seems perfect to me is Natsume’s, funnily enough, but only to an extent. Natsume dying for love is perfect for him, and I believe that ending his arc any other way wouldn’t be as meaningful to his character. This has been set-up from the beginning, almost as if fate has commanded that he would die no matter what changed in his life. And that’s great because we see him change his perspective from Chapter 16, when he’s happy to kill himself, relieved that his suffering will soon be over, into his eventual death, where he can’t accept that his life is over because he doesn’t want it to be. He does everything he can to save Mikan, but ultimately when death comes for him, he doesn’t really want to go. That’s PERFECT! The thing that ruins it is Hotaru rescuing him for Mikan’s sake. Natsume’s martyr complex throughout the manga reveals to us just how little his existence means to him. He always comes dead last to himself and what he needs is other people choosing him first and making him feel like his life is significant and means something other than what he can do for others. Hotaru saving him puts his actual existence dead last. She doesn’t save him for him, but because of Mikan. Hotaru doesn’t really care about Natsume, so when she saves him, it reinforces the idea that Natsume exists for other people, that all he’s good for is what he can give. The absolute WORST part of that is that Higuchi Tachibana didn’t even think of that. There’s no evidence that this story choice wants to explore what that means for Natsume, how that choice would impact everyone involved. The carelessness and sloppiness is what bothers me here, that Natsume’s nearly perfect arc is tainted by the fumbling effort to put Hotaru in an active role that doesn’t benefit her character arc, that negatively impacts everyone else’s arcs.

And then there’s Mikan… Who I believe was done pretty dirty. Mikan had a clear character devolution. She goes from being a generally upbeat but still emotional girl, capable of sadness and anger and who doesn’t let herself get treated poorly, who generally wants to be useful, to contribute something, to be able to sacrifice things. The sacrifice part got a lot of focus throughout, and whenever she gets the chance, she throws herself at it. The best part is that Mikan doesn’t so much “make the choice” to sacrifice as she feels it’s the only thing she can do. There is no alternative to her because she doesn’t even think of it. It’s only when she’s confronted with Kazumi giving her a choice at the end: save Natsume or keep your alice, that her sacrifice feels like a personal choice rather than an instinctive action on her point. Honestly, Mikan has always been a character motivated to do good, so her arc is less about learning to do good and more about realizing that she does do good already. Additionally, she has the abandoned nullification alice arc, where Mikan feels like her alice is completely useless, like it doesn’t benefit anybody. But there is one thread that has tied to that throughout the manga, from the very first arc, and that’s Natsume. If Natsume was always meant to die, Mikan was always meant to save him. That’s clear from the start, when Narumi says “There might be someone out there in need of your alice” over a panel of Natsume. It was as much a part of implicit destiny as Natsume’s death, as the two of them falling in love. And that was specifically in terms of her silly nullification. Her nullification should have played a role here, and the fact that it didn’t annoys me. I don’t like Mikan having the stealing alice at all, we been knew. It completely dismisses the nullification alice from her storyline for no real narrative reason. Mikan having the stealing alice doesn’t really do much for her character. It acts as a plot lubricant, as a tie to her mom, but for Mikan’s existing arc--nothing. 

There’s the fact, too, that Mikan saving Natsume would have communicated to him that his life means something, if only it means he lives. That he doesn’t have to give anything, as long as she can have him breathing. It would have meant so much for both of their character arcs. It would have been the pretty, perfect way to tie it all. I know there’s a lot of focus nowadays on “subversive” story telling, on setting up one story only to turn it over with some contrived plot twist for the sake of shocking the audience. “You thought this would happen, but you’re stupid for thinking so, because this is happening instead!” I think that kind of plot doesn’t act in contribution to character arcs, which is actually the only thing I care about. In a story like GA, character has been central, so it should continue to be. To me, Mikan being unable to save Natsume feels stupid and pointless, not in a “sometimes you fail” kinda way, because Mikan has already been taught that lesson. That would hit harder, maybe, if Natsume did die for real here, if he never came back. It would be sad, but it would be potent and meaningful. Instead, Natsume can be saved, just not by her. She is incapable of doing the one thing she was set up to do from the start. Instead, her role is stolen by Hotaru and the act of saving Natsume is no longer an act of love for him, but an act of love for Mikan, which is just insulting to all the characters involved. 

Ultimately, how can this finale make you feel anything if the characters have been abandoned for the sake of a lazy “bookend” of Mikan chasing Hotaru once more? All the arcs were abandoned in favor of servicing a sloppy and rushed ending, where no character gets the attention they deserve. The finale just does what it can with the resolution it’s been presented with, and that’s why it sucks so bad. Three chapters isn’t enough to clean up the mess from the last twenty or so chapters, but it doesn’t even try. 

I think the last chapter is the worst chapter in Gakuen Alice, hands down. But it’s only made possible by the subpar story told prior to it, specifically about Natsume’s death, which is the climax of the story. That climax is deceptive too, because you cry so much--about Natsume dying, Mikan leaving, Hotaru sacrificing herself, Ruka being left behind by everyone he knows--that you don’t even notice how bad the writing is! And all the stuff that’s making you cry is cheap character ploys to make you feel in the moment without giving you an actual conclusion. GA isn’t just open-ended because Hotaru is still missing; Mikan, Ruka, and Natsume are still missing character arc closure. 

And considering how intelligent the story-telling has been up to now, it feels out of the blue and unfair to have such an awful ending.

What a disappointment.

Palate cleansing NatsuMikan to soothe your soul after you had to read all that nonsense and negativity. Sorry about all that.

Conclusion

Yeah, so like i said: a rant. Tomorrow I'll wrap up all of this with a little touch on Kageki, but there's not much to analyze there because NatsuMikan aren't focal.

I'm sorry if this was very negative. Like I'd mentioned a hundred times already, it's hard for me to be negative about GA. I don't like whining or complaining and staying butthurt about an ending that was published more than ten years ago feels unproductive. If anything, I take it as a learning moment. I use this to teach myself how vital endings are, and how not to do them. I also generally don't think of these chapters at all. I sometimes flat out forget the story ended this way until someone reminds me.

In my head, the character arcs are resolved and Hotaru never got lost to time-space because that's stupid. I have quite a few alternate endings in my head, but I prefer all of them to the one we got.

Thanks for reading, folks! Just one more time and then we can move on with our lives and go back to pretending this manga is perfect.

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#gakuen alice #alice academy #ga #sakura mikan #mikan sakura #natsume hyuuga #hyuuga natsume #my meta #ga meta #ga meta: nm #ga meta: manga #ga meta: manga nm #let's talk about natsumikan #let's talk about natsumikan: mikan #nm: m song of the day is.... #idk. lover by taylor swift or smth #tbh i dont think of these chapters with any song bc theyre not on my brain most of the time #but lover IS on our playlist... but for alternate better versions of the ending where natsume (and others) matters to mikan at all

[letters2amelia]

November 11, 2023

A lot has changed, but I think that's good

179 C. Street, M. City

Dear Amelia,

I was just about to sleep when I had this urge to write you this letter, and I remember all the sad letters I've written. They say today is a day of good intentions and manifestations. So, today I write this letter; with a heart full of love, and a mind filled with only positivity. I hope the new year to come brings good things, happiness, and fulfillment. I hope next year we're living the life we've dreamed of. I put my trust in the universe. A lot has changed, that's true and I think that's good. It's November again, yet November feels different now. We're different now. Other people might not notice it, but I feel it in my bones, something in me has changed, there's this sense of growth, of maturity. I feel older, wiser, calmer, perhaps stoic even. We're talking again, and I think that's good. But something's different now, it's at the tip of my tongue but I can't quite figure out what it is. A lot has changed, indeed. The moment you said those words, first thought that came to my mind was, "Yes, but I still feel the same as I did last year." And I don't know what I think about that. I can't help but be hopeful; if only I had the courage to tell you you're it for me, you're the one. But maybe the tides of fate has a different plan for me. I feel hopeful, and patient. To wait for you doesn't feel like waiting and yet somehow I'm also waiting for someone else to arrive. To find the love that is meant for me, the kind of love I've been manifesting, the person of my dreams.

Do you feel it too? Do you see it too, my dearest? A lot has changed, and I can feel that a lot more is about to change. Oh, to live for the hope of it all.

May we end this year with light, love, and kindness.

Yours, always...

#author #poets corner #poets on tumblr #love poem #poetscommunity #spilled heart #spilled thoughts #writers and poets #writers on tumblr #prose

[drowsyr]

tumlr user drowysr actually you are so right about stobin stuff not being about stobin nowadays. like. seriously do they not have best friends??

my best friend i love her so so much. she was the first person i came out to as transmasc, she was there for my entire journey from 9th grade to now. genuinelt i have never loved anyone more. i have kept living because of her and she has kept living because of me. she doesn't have any favourite colours, but she's partial to light, "nice" brown. we have more inside jokes together than anyone else. we're both ace besties. i know she's only liked one guy her entire life and she knows i fall for a different girl every few months and we've both been wingmanning each other ever since we met.

we've written stories and songs and poems together and i make her art and she writes me letters for my birthday. i'd die for her and even though she never says it i know she'd die for me too. we went as each other for halloween one year and nobody got it because we were already so alike. we're both steve-and-robin besties, lifetime partners, and i genuinely think i've found a soulmate in her. platonically, but i don't think that needed to be said. everything i see has to be told to her first and all the gossip she finds out and all her jokes she tells me first.

i don't think i'll ever find anyone like her. sorry for making this ask a love letter for someone who'll never see it, i started out wanting to talk about stobin. i hope people realise soon that it's about stobin not everybody else. (/half joking).

thanks. have a great day!

!!! ack this makes me so happy to read! i’m so happy you have this <3 i love to love my friends!! :)

i’m aro and i think it’s so real that so many stobin fans are aro/ace… like not to be dramatic (again) but i think it really gives you a whole new perspective on relationships! the stobin relationship just means so much to me and i’m so happy that it makes people think of their own friendships :)

#i can delete if you want btw no worries <3 #stobin #ask #my first ask!! (that isn’t telling me to kms) #don’t worry about it

[noblest-roman-of-them-all]

Over the last few years I have been writing birthday and thank you letters to each of the Sides on their "birthday"/appreciation days in lieu of fanart, so it seems fitting to continue that tradition today and wish a very happy birthday to Thomas himself. Both the character and creator of Sanders Sides. And to say thank you.

It's hard to put into words just how much this series has meant to me, especially in the last three years or so. It's helped me to find the courage to be passionate about writing again, to be comfortable in my body and make choices in fashion that make me happy, to feel safe exploring my sense of self. It's had a really huge positive impact on my life.

I remember going to see Welcome to Night Vale live for the first time and on the way up my friend handed me their phone and said "Look up Sanders Sides. I need you to watch it and tell me what you think."

And I will be honest, my initial thought was "This is a little cheesey", but in retrospect I think that was just a little bit of a defensive wall coming up. As I watched the series by binging that weekend, I felt a little more seen than I had before and I didn't know exactly how to phrase it other than, "That's kinda how my brain works too.".

And that is a big part of why I kept coming back to it. Because I felt seen. Then last year I was diagnosed with OSDD (otherwise specified dissociative disorder) and a few things clicked into place in my brain. I understood the why of it. I understand that this series isn't meant to be about DID and I'm not saying it should be, but for me personally, as someone with a dissociative disorder and part of a system, it was refreshing to see something mirror close to my experiences. It was huge to me. I felt less ashamed or embarrassed, less strange or weird for the way my brain worked. I finally had something to point to and say, "that's like me!". And I really think that that helped me accept my diagnosis. There are several alters in my system that have been helped by this series as well, that have felt seen and represented in the struggles they hold for our system. For some of them, it's helped thrm find their own sense of self. It's helped us heal. And I'm really grateful for that.

And it's not just this series. I remember watching the 33 lessons from 33 years livestream. And I don't know which number it was, but talking about putting on a mask and it being hard to feel like a real person. I had only been aware of my system for what it truly was about four months at that time. And having a sense of self was...shaky at best for me, but there was a sense of solidarity that came from that. It was comforting to know I wasn't the only one who experienced those kinds of feelings. It helped me to feel more like a person to hear someone else say that they also struggle with that concept.

Even things that could be considered as small as the tweets you share. For me, seeing someone else so openly share their experiences with things like body image issues, or like skin and scalp issues. It reminds me that I am allowed to acknowledge that I struggle with those things. Upon first glance I don't look like someone who would so I try to pretend I don't, and I end up feeling worse for it. But seeing your example of being open, it helps me to remember that those are just normal things that people deal with, and I don't have to feel ashamed for being one of them.

Don't even get me started on the Trying too Hard music video... The thing about OSDD/DID, it's caused by trauma in earlier childhood. And at that time I was really struggling hard with coming to terms with that. I was trying to be strong about it, learning to cope with the the plot I'd been given. And that song gave me so much hope. My brain, my system, it didn't choose to be divided. That's just what happened because of our circumstances, it was decided for us in a lot of ways. But we are strong and we are tough and we're learning to fit this plot that we've got. And we're learning to see each other and ourselves for who we are. It took me so long and so many loops of that song to be able to name that big explosive feeling in my chest. But it really helped me to feel so hopeful about our future together as a system.

There are a lot silly things I've taken from this series. To this day when things just aren't working out I still throw up my hands and say, "there's no winning at Christmas!" and it makes me smile and helps release some frustration, every time I hear "cognitive distortion" I echo "Häagen-Dazs dispersion". Every time. Even in therapy. It's an issue. But it makes me smile. Also without fail, I get called out when Taurus jokes are made. I have never put any stock in Zodiac related things before, but now I'm half wondering if there's something to it because without fail, I get called out. There are lots of little joys that this series has brought me. But there are also some incredible lessons that I've learned. And I will forever be grateful for that.

So thank you, so very much, Thomas. And happy birthday.

@thatsthat24

#thank you and birthday letters

[bumblerhizal-art]

Okay okay okay okay how about, for the OC Codex prompts:

5. letters between two of your OC’s companions about them for Radka

12. your OC overheard while drunk for Pavle

8. your OC’s doctor/healer talking about their injuries for Novhen (am I thinking post-Archdemon? Maybe. But feel free to pick another point in time. Also ignore the quiet chanting of "angst, angst, angst!" in the background, that's nothing ^^)

Mix and match as you please, pick the ones you like, and have a lovely day! ^^

oh boy thanks for the ask! it’s not quite what you asked for, but i hope it’s good enough!

[Ask Game]

Content Warnings

All: Alcohol

Third: Blood, Vomit, Trauma, Parental Death (you wanted angst ¯\_ (ツ)_/¯)

5. letters between two of your OC’s companions about them

L,

We have arrived in Antiva safely. To think, just a year ago, our mutual friend was complaining of Ferelden's sun, but here, she's buried herself under so many veils to keep from burning that we won't even need disguises.

You need not worry in the slightest for her safety. As I'm certain she's telling you in her own letter, we're only getting moderately overzealous in our missions. I'll be sure she returns to you in one piece after we've had our fun.

As a quick aside, what types of wines do you prefer? We ask for no particular reason.

-Z

12. your OC overheard while drunk

An fragment of unaddressed letter apprehended from a servant at Vigil's Keep detailing a drunken conversation overheard from outside the Warden-Commander's quarters:

"And have you heard about that bullshit with the Hawkes?"

"At length."

"The real cherry on top is that that Garrett's a mage. They sent me to fucking Ferelden for that, but he gets to inherit the family estate? What did he even do? Take a vacation to the Deep Roads? I did all that and stopped a Blight, and I can't even return home to the Marches without getting carried off to the Gallows!"

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves. As I recall, while I shlepped through the actual Deep Roads, you were drinking wine with the king-to-be. Hardly the same thing."

"You owe the Diamond Quarter a visit if you think what I was doing wasn't just as dangerous. I know what I need to do. I'll write that bastard cousin a letter. Let him know that I know!"

"Yeah sure, could be funny. You can use what's on my desk. Just try to reread it sober before sending it."

––An apostate Amell among the Grey Wardens but not one himself. Potential leverage? Unclear if Hawke yet made aware.

8. your OC’s doctor/healer talking about their injuries

I do have something planned for your suggestion, but because medical information can be so tricky, I'm waiting to put it in one of my fics for the Archive (Gathering Frays, should be, i think i've shared snippets from it before). It'll be a grander execution than i can fit here. Don't worry, you'll still get your angst today though ;) It's not quite doctor's notes, but it's the closest he gets in the alienage

An entry from Valendrian's journal:

24 Kingsway, 9:25 Dragon

Finola found Novhen in an alley by the south docks half-conscious, reeking of alcohol, and covered in his own blood and vomit. He's barely responsive. We've cleaned him up as much as we could but found several bruises and a developing black eye in the process.

I gave him bread and stew, but he couldn't muster himself to eat it until long after it had gone cold. When I offered to walk him to his home for the night, he only grew more distressed.

I believe Del's family has been sharing their meals with the Tabris household this past week. Tomorrow, I will go with them and speak to Cyrion, but I'm not hopeful it will be a productive conversation. He hasn't so much as left his bed since Adaia's passing. I understand his need to grieve, but I worry for Novhen. Maker only knows how much he saw to be affected like this.

He's currently sitting by my fire. I expect he'll still be in the same spot come morning. With any luck, he will be more able to speak then.

#askbox #heniareth #radka brosca #pavle amell #novhen tabris #you've heard of drunk texting your ex now get ready for drunk carrier-pigeoning your estranged cousin #also uh oh a spy at the vigil! #this sort of thing is inevitable but it's unfortunate when it happens #novhen’s receiving reports of kirkwall from at least bodahn and maybe anders plus carver now serves under him #so he's absolutely heard frankly too much about hawke #but also adaia's death was the most traumatizing thing to ever happen to novhen (and not for lack of competition!) #and cyrion's dissociation after the fact did nothing to help #yeah let's just leave this teen to process this incredibly violent and life altering event all by himself i'm sure he'll be fine #what’s the worst a little avoidant risk taking behavior could do #he’s clearly coping

[the-firebird69]

These people have had it they do this every day it's very annoying and it's my numbing and they have no brains amongst them that are not psychotic. I'm going to put that down every single day so someone might arrive at the conclusion that I have and that Freya has and Zeus and Hera they need to go we're doing the f****** job without us telling you to do stuff you wouldn't be doing anything either I want this I want them out of the way and we've ordered it many many times so you have to resist them so what we're sending it out again let's see if people can read English it's extremely angry that you just sit there and spew at us it's also suspicious there's several people are going to have interviewed momentarily you're doing the job and other people aren't why is that... It's not satisfactory this is a horse s*** plan it's a rinky dink plan what you're saying is they weren't complying they wanted to sit there so we let them sit there we don't want to encourage them and force them over and our son and I had that something to do with that in our wives it's true it'll probably suffering because of it but hey they're not doing anything over there at all either I got to tell you this is extremely aggravating it's not you guys who are ours it's these three people so we're going to have them on the bus it's the three jackasses we should take a look at what we want to take a look at so we did that and we found out they're massively aggravating and we're going after stan and Sherry. He keeps saying they're going to hurt our son and murder him put him in the hospital he disappeared we're going to f*** them up we're going to go down to your hospital Monday and kick you the f*** out and go grab you an hour later and stick you in there when we have a room ready one room for both you I'm going to strap you to the bed and forget to feed you that's what you've been saying you're going to do so f*** you you're not going to set foot there without dying stupid Stan and Sherry. My son only has a little money in cash the rest is digital no matter what anyone says anyone can say whatever they want it's money handled it's different money so have fun knocking yourself out Sherry what a f****** moron you are and Stan you have that brain in front that's your excuse to lose and to die you accept that what do you mean what can we do what are you talking about you don't have enough skill to shut your mouth about it then this jackass doesn't either just more like a****** will bother aside for 20 years solid and got them in and out of jobs to mess with them cuz he's a f****** moron and a prick he's going to do a lot of it is after mac daddy is alone and doesn't have an empire for the most part just as kids and they hate him they've been wharring and it has a f****** moron.

I'm sending orders now for real we're going to start pursuing Stan and Sherry they had to do the work of their fired

Thor Freya

Zues Hera

Olympus

I'm finally papers I'm so sick of these people some jackass will hit me in an accident is around somewhere I want to know who the hell that is you think this is Tommy f. Is wearing a girls torso which girl that's a question and it's a secret that's probably the savoloni's secret so I'm going to write up papers I want the information and I know who might know and I'm going to write a papers on these idiots to give them arrested and throw them in prison we don't need any of this this is so horrendous we're not going to go anywhere ever is it safe for years none of you care it's so damn dumb and you're attacking the United States and Brian is going to write up letters you're committing trees in your harassing him you need to go to jail

Camilla

And I'm supposed to take it anymore so I'm going to go after people but for real Trump you're going down you're picking on me to get Biden he picked on the wrong people where McDonald's and we're here shooting shitloads of you a day when you're coming there and pull you out until you don't come back there what are you doing is ridiculous

Justin

I'm backing him up cuz I'm so tired of this and because Trump's wrong and it shouldn't be running for president he should be on skid row or publicly executed for treason I have no idea why he would be running for president

Mike tew

We're going to have to do some work around here this is ridiculous this is screaming about for a year and a half so I'm just going to take over I have to it's it's not even a choice. First is breaking his back to issue some oras and say things now you people are having them take everything over and you know nobody you're going to be anybody in a few days as we can see her as dying cuz we're going around killing them cuz theye won't shut up

Mac Daddy I'm going to show the orders to have you picked up John remillard and Dan your pests

[naturesgender]

i am. so worried about my best friend

#his parents sent him away to some fucking Nature Therapy bullshit #meaning that they came up to him one morning and said 'hey so tomorrow you're dropping out of school and leaving your city and your friends #and your classmates and your teachers and going away for 11 weeks to nature therapy without a cell phone and we don't know if you can even #write letters but we've been talking about this for a year and we're only telling you now and you leave tomorrow lol have fun with telling #all your friends and saying your goodbyes as well as processing all of this in the one day we've given you' #so yeah he was supposed to be back by now #and he is Not #and his mom says 'it's a long story but he's not coming back for a while' like what the fuck does that mean??? how long is a while??????? #and i tried to text him and it didn't go through? and i tried to call him and his account is like. disconnected or some shit? #so i just. can't reach him. at all. #and i haven't heard anything since his one letter that said he wasn't doing great (that i couldn't even respond to) #and of course my mind is jumping to the worst possible things and i am so worried #his mom and my mom are supposed to talk tonight and my mom has reached out but hasn't heard anything and i am terrified that something bad #has happened or that he's done something stupid that i don't want to type out cause i don't feel like crying tonight thank you very much #i've missed him so much and i just want him to be safe i just want to see him again i'm so worried that he's hurt #right before college!!! he was supposed to go to college and they fucking sent him away a semester before he was supposed to graduate!!!!!! #so now he can't fucking GO because he has to figure out a way to make up a semester of school and they're forcing him into a gap year #which he never wanted to take in the first place #i just really fucking miss him he's such a wonderful person and i have no idea if he's even. okay. or like. alive. #please like or comment or tell me if you read this #<- not knowing who's read my more personal/serious/emotional posts makes me very anxious and i'd like to avoid that

[pan-fangirl-345]

Promise Me You Won't Fall In Love

Summary: You and Tsukishima have been friends since you were kids, and you made a promise not to fall in love with each other. But of course, everything's fine and great until someone (both of you) fucked up and caught feelings.

TW: swearing, mutual pining, unrequited love (it is requited later), minor harassment (not a lot), and there is some derogatory talk from an extra that doesn't even have a name (Kei puts him in his place, I promise).

A/N: So this wasn't requested, but I've been thinking about this one a lot recently and I wanted to do something with it, hence this.

Note: Anything in italics is a memory! Well, not all of it, but the longer sections. Most of the time the one or two word-er things are simply emphasized, that kind of thing.

"Tsukishima, your girlfriend's here to see you!" Sugawara told the middle blocker, and he turned to see you leaning against the wall near Yachi and Kiyoko, laughing at something they were saying to you.

"She's not my girlfriend," Kei muttered, walking over.

"Kei! I knew you'd be here," you said, digging through your bag. "One of the girls in my class wanted me to give this to you."

You handed him a bright pink envelope with black sparkly writing on the front, his name scrawled in almost perfect handwriting.

"Another love letter?" he asked, taking it.

"Probably, I've stopped asking. It makes them think that we're together," you told him, crossing your arms.

Kei sighed, opening the letter with little fanfare.

He scanned through it quickly, rolling his eyes.

One thing he had noticed was that the letters he had been getting were really sucky poetry and fancy words. They knew nothing about him worthwhile and he was pretty sure they just wanted to check off the 'I have a boyfriend' box on their high school checklists.

Kei made a noise of disgust and walked over to the nearest trash can, dumping the letter in.

"I'm assuming that's another no?" you asked, smirking at him, already knowing the answer.

He nodded, ignoring the smirk on your face.

You, Tadashi, and Kei had all been friends since middle school. Kei had known you longer, since you lived in the same neighborhood, but you had kind of adopted Tadashi when you had heard about him being bullied, hence why Kei and you were actual friends now. Tadashi was the link between the two of you that had stuck. Being forced to make conversation as some of the only kids in the neighborhood had simply made you acquaintances.

"If you knew I was going to say no then why would you give me the letter?" Kei asked.

"Because I'm hoping you'll broaden your horizons," you offered, waving your hand dismissively. "Besides, it sends the wrong message if I just throw them away without giving them to you. Not to mention, a lot of the girls don't like me to begin with because I'm one of the few people you can tolerate for more than a few minutes at the time. You've never had a girlfriend, Kei, even if they aren't girlfriend material, couldn't you at least make a few more friends?"

"I can barely deal with you and Tadashi, I don't need anymore friends," Kei told you, and you laughed.

"Keep telling yourself that Kei. I'll see you guys later, alright?"

Tadashi and Kei nodded, watching you leave before they rejoined practice.

"Are you sure she isn't your girlfriend, Tsukishima?" Sugawara asked, watching the blocker with mild interest.

Despite being second years now, their former upperclassmen were showing up more as tournament season drew closer. Though Kei also suspected that they were being nostalgic and that they missed their underclassmen's chaos.

"I'm sure," he assured the former setter. "Why?"

"Nothing, just a hunch," he murmured.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Guys, do you ever wonder how many people see you on the side of the street and think, 'Wow, they are the most beautiful person I have ever seen'?" you asked, as you hung upside down on the monkey bars.

"I think the blood is going to your head, (Y/F/N)," Tadashi teased.

"No, I'm serious," you said, turning to look at him. "I was thinking, earlier, about how Kei keeps getting all these love letters, and it made me wonder how many people see me as attractive, but never say anything. I don't think it's very many," you admitted, "but I wonder if they are out there."

Tadashi sighed, putting his hands on his forehead in an exasperated manner.

"(Y/F/N)," he said, sounding almost breathless, "just because Kei is getting letters doesn't mean that people don't find you attractive."

"I'm not saying people don't find me attractive," you said, swinging yourself up onto the bars again. "I know someone in the world must have standards that low, but just because they find me attractive doesn't mean they would date me."

"Why are we talking about this?" Kei asked, annoyance riddling his tone.

"Technically Tadashi and I were talking about it," you told him. "You were simply listening to the conversation."

"That doesn't tell me why this is the topic of conversation," he countered.

"I'm just saying! Kei keeps getting all these letters, and it makes me wonder if these girls actually think that they're in love with him. Attraction is really just a release of chemicals in the brain from when we were simply a species trying to survive. But that's not love," you said.

"So what's love to you?" Tadashi asked, curious.

"I think real, true love is when you see something that reminds you of them and you smile, even without realizing it. I think it's when it hurts to see them hurt, but you stay by them instead of seeking revenge, knowing they need you in the moment. I think it's the little inside jokes that mean nothing to people around you, but it's everything to you. I think it's knowing that there are plenty of people that are better than you out there, but wanting to stick around to be better for that person, to prove that you're worth it.

"I think it's seeing all the broken pieces, and loving them all anyway. It's remembering the little things. It's being able to sit in complete silence and know what the other is saying just because of the way their eyes crinkle. It's knowing that they have the power to break off new pieces, and trusting that they won't. It's when . . . instead of breaking pieces of yourself so that they can handle you, you stay whole. If they choke, you know it's not love, not really.

"It's knowing that you can stand on your own two feet, but leaning on them anyway. It's knowing that you are your own person, but wanting to share it with someone anyway. It's feeling free and wild, but content to stay still, because you trust them. For me, I feel like love is knowing that someone would read with me on a window seat, watching it rain, but they would also drive just a little too fast down older roads with the windows down so we can pretend, just for a moment, that we're in a shitty music video."

You smiled as you turned yourself upside down on the monkey bars again.

"I think it's kind of like what we have, but more romantic."

"You've been reading too much fanfiction," Kei muttered.

"Maybe," you admitted. "But maybe that's because I want to be able to spew romantic bullshit like that when I finally find a guy that likes me for me. I realize that, realistically, I'll probably never feel like that. Or at least, I won't feel it enough to put it into words like that. Fantasy never lives up to reality after all. But it's a nice thought."

"So, you don't think you'll ever find something like that?" Tadashi asked.

"I think that I'll either end up married to a man that was good enough, or on my own with no social life except you and Kei. I'll rely on work to keep me entertained."

Kei snorted.

"What's so funny you overly salted French fry?" you asked, raising an eyebrow.

"If I ever think you're marrying a man that's just 'good enough', I'll say 'I object!' at the wedding," he told you.

"Oh yeah?" you asked, smiling. "And why's that?"

"Because you deserve more than that," he said, looking you in the eye. "(Y/F/N), you are not the kind of girl that should end up with 'good enough'. You're too . . . free for that. Although, maybe independent is a better word. You would wither with just 'good enough', and that's not something I'm willing to let happen."

"Aw, so you do care about me," you cooed, swinging yourself upright onto the bars. "And don't worry Kei, we both know that Tadashi and I will never let you settle with 'good enough' either."

"What about me?" Tadashi squawked, and you laughed.

"Come 'Dashi," you chided, "we all know that you won't end up with 'good enough' even if you try."

His cheeks went pink and you laughed again.

Kei, as much as he pretended otherwise, really loved seeing you and Tadashi laugh like this. It reminded him that there were people who didn't see just the bastard act that he threw up to protect himself.

He loved the way your dimple appeared when you gave Tadashi that real smile, not the smirk or the grin you gave people. He loved seeing Tadashi carefree and not hiding behind his hand when he laughed or smiled.

He loved being able to sit and watch the two of you interact, but know that he could pop into the conversation whenever.

"Kei, that look on your face is kind of creepy," you teased, sliding to the ground to ruffle his hair, a small way of telling him you didn't mean it. "What's it for?"

"Nothing," he muttered, hoping to the heavens that his ears weren't turning pink, though they probably were.

"Come on Tsukki," Tadashi said, giving him a look, "we've all been friends for years. We know you better than that."

"I'm just glad is all," he murmured.

"Glad for what?" you asked, wrapping your arms around his shoulders, leaning over them to look at his face.

"You. Tadashi. You know, my friends," he confessed.

Damn it! His ears were definitely pink.

But he didn't shove you off.

Most people assumed that Kei was a jerk all the time, and while that might have been true for anyone else, you and Tadashi were the exceptions to his rule.

You and Tadashi had been friends with him for almost your whole lives, and both of you had been there during the brother debacle.

You and Kei had lived in the same neighborhood for years, and had been a part of more than a few conversations that had been forced by social convention, and your mother had been good friends with his in high school, though they had lost touch after that.

You had noticed Tadashi being bullied in class and had stepped in, defending him and deciding that he was more worth your time than the other kids.

Which led you to Kei, when you found out that he had helped Tadashi on the playground, even if that had never been his original intention.

The three of you had become a trio of sorts in your later years, though your reputations weren't the most . . . innocent.

Kei had always had a sharp tongue and a quicker wit, and his irritation seemed to have no limits.

You were on level with him, though you were much harder to set off than he was.

Tadashi never really provoked, but he watched as the two of you eviscerated anyone that insulted him.

Kei was ruthless with people who made comments on you and/or Tadashi, never giving them a chance to get another word in, though they had often tried, simply making themselves seem more like idiots.

On the other hand, you tended to let people hang themselves with their own tongues, before using that quick wit and sharp tongue to gut them like the pigs that they were.

Tadashi had little confidence on his own, and he tended to be more affected by words than you or Kei, so most of the time he let you and Kei handle people, but every once in a while, he would be set off.

Nothing was scarier than Tadashi getting pissed. He was rarely ever confrontational, but when something set him off, it was terrifying. He got really quiet, and he never raised his voice. There was a quiet kind of fury that radiated from him when he got like that, and if you and Kei used your words to eviscerate, Tadashi used his to give someone hypothermia. He would make them get colder and colder before their brains tricked them into thinking they were too hot, and then ended them.

All three of you were terrifying in your own ways, but that didn't mean you were like that all the time.

Kei wasn't an asshole all the time, and he enjoyed receiving hugs and other types of physical affection, he was just shit at reciprocating it and letting others see that more 'vulnerable side of him', as he put it. He was better at fixing problems logically. He helped you and Tadashi study, or sometimes bought gifts to make you both feel better, little things that still made your days.

Tadashi was someone who might not be confrontational, but he was very good about getting you and Kei out of your heads when something did hit a chink in your respective armors. He knew that both you and Kei were more affected by what people said than most people were led to believe. He was also a very good listener.

You were the giver of physical affection when the boys needed it. Kei tended to need it more than Tadashi, since Tadashi had his moms who were more than willing to give hugs. Kei didn't like his mother thinking anything was wrong, and he didn't completely trust his brother anymore, so physical contact was kept to a minimum.

Tadashi was okay with giving Kei affection, but most of the time, when it came to Kei, you were the one he went to.

You had asked him once, why he always came to you.

"I sometimes think Tadashi puts me up on a pedestal," he had admitted. "He knows me, and he's my friend, but sometimes it feels like I can't disappoint him. I don't feel that way with you. Besides, your short enough that hugging you feels better. Plus, Tadashi is all bones."

"We're glad for you too Kei," you told him, leaning your chin on his shoulder.

Tadashi nodded, taking a seat beside Kei.

Kei's heart clenched, like it often did when he was reminded that he really did have great friends, and his ears got hotter.

"Alright, enough of the mushy stuff," he muttered, trying to wave you and Tadashi away.

"Come on Kei," you whined softly, gently bumping your head with his, "we all know that you have a heart! Don't be that way, it's just us."

Kei made a small noise, and you laughed, releasing him so that you could sit on his other side, peering up into his face with your adorable fucking doe eyes.

"You know you don't have to pretend with us," you murmured, leaning on his shoulder, taking his hand.

"Yeah, we've all been friends for long enough Tsukki," Tadashi agreed, leaning his head on Kei's other shoulder.

"I hate you both," he muttered, trying to hide his face in his hands.

"Nuh uh," you said, pulling away to pull his hands from his face, sounding like a child. "No hiding from us."

You took his hand again, and for a while, all three of you just sat there, enjoying each other's company.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Tsukishima! You're girlfriend is here again," Suga said, gesturing to where you were walking through the doors of the gym, laughing with Yachi.

"Again, she's not my girlfriend," Kei muttered.

He remembered, suddenly, about the promise you had both made when you were middle school and boys were starting to notice girls and vice versa.

"Kei and (Y/F/N) would make such a cute couple when they're older," your mother had told his, smiling as you both chatted at a neighborhood barbeque, being two of the only children there that could hold an intelligent conversation.

At that point, you and Kei were more than acquaintances, but you weren't exactly friends yet either.

Neither mother had realized that you and Kei had overheard, and when Kei had glanced at you, your nose was wrinkled like it did when you were grossed out by something, your expression mirroring his.

"Promise me something Kei," you had said, turning your attention back to him. "Promise me that you won't ever fall in love with me."

"Why not? I mean, I won't, but I want a reason," he had said, arms crossed as he looked at you.

"Because we're friends," you had said, like it had been the simplest thing in the world. "And because if we ended up falling in love and dating that means Tadashi would feel left out all the time and I won't let that happen. So promise me."

"I promise not to fall in love with you if you promise not to fall in love with me," he had offered.

"Deal," you had told him, offering him your hand to shake on it.

"Ah, Kei, there you are!" you said, smiling at him. "There's another letter. Based on the amount of hearts on it, another confession."

"Keep it," he muttered, pushing your hand away when you went to hand him the letter.

"Kei, I don't want to carry around another one of your love letters," you said, wrinkling your nose. "These aren't for me, and they make me sick, so please, for the sake of our friendship, take the damn thing off my hands so I can wash them."

He sighed, a pained sound that had you laughing, and took the letter, slipping it into his bag, wondering if the girls at school would ever take a hint that he wasn't interested.

"Why is Tsukishima so popular with the girls?" Hinata wondered out loud. "His personality is so crappy."

"And I don't think I've ever heard him say a nice thing to anyone," Kageyama added.

"That's because you guys are irritating to Kei," you interrupted, turning to them, arms crossed and hip cocked out to the side. "Most of the time, he's helpful and respectful. You two just aren't the kind of people he would voluntarily hang out with."

"Rude," Hinata cried, then pouted, "but true."

"The only people Kei really rips into are people he doesn't like, doesn't respect, people who disrespect Tadashi or me, or people who betray his trust. You two are options one and two."

"He just seems like an unfeeling asshole, even after three years of knowing him."

"I think it's the opposite actually," you told them.

Kei could feel your eyes on the back of his head, either unaware that he could hear you or uncaring that he was listening.

"I think he feels all of it, at one hundred and twenty percent. He just acts like that to avoid getting hurt in most cases. In your case though, he really does just not like you. Or, more accurately, he doesn't like that you two are so clearly passionate about something when he gets scared of something hurting him if he cares too much. Like Tadashi told you once, Hinata, if Kei didn't at least like volleyball, he wouldn't be here. Just think about it," you told them.

"(Y/F/N)!" Tadashi called. "We're still studying at your place right?"

"Yeah, just like always," you assured him. "Kei, you still have the spare key, just let yourselves in."

He nodded, spinning the ball in his hands as he watched you walk away.

"Tsukishima, are you one hundred percent sure that she isn't your girlfriend?" Suga asked, eyebrows raised at him.

"Three hundred percent sure," Tsukishima grunted as he served the ball.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Why do you never accept any of the confessions, Kei?" you asked, looking at him from over the top of your textbook.

Your head was hanging off the side of your bed and your socked feet were crossed at the ankles, resting on your wall.

Kei's neck hurt just looking at you, but he didn't say anything to you about moving.

"Because they aren't my type," Kei muttered, checking his notes before writing down an answer on his paper.

"What is your type?" you inquired, rolling onto your stomach, setting you book to the side. "Because I don't think I've ever seen you take an interest in a girl." You frowned, then added, "Romantic interest I mean."

Kei wondered what other interest you had thought he might get out of that, but he decided not to question it. Despite knowing you for years, and being as close to you as he was, you still managed to be somewhat of a mystery to him.

"Does it matter?" he asked.

"Yes, because I want to be able to set you up when you decide you're ready for a relationship!" you said. "Tadashi and I would make great wingmen. Well, wingman and wingwoman, but you know what I mean."

Kei actually turned to look at you at that one.

"You're serious," he muttered, noting the look on your face.

"Yes! Unless you don't think you're going to want a romantic relationship, which is completely okay too. I just want you to be happy is all."

"You know what makes me happy?" Kei asked, pausing to let you answer, but instead you stayed quiet, watching him with those damn doe eyes. "Getting my homework done and not having to deal with confessions from girls that don't know the first thing about me."

Kei heard your small chuckle, and as he went back to his homework, he found himself smiling.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kei had always known that, objectively, you were very pretty (he had heard enough from his classmates over the years to have it verified), but sometimes you did something, and he would realize all over again.

Today you had laughed a little harder as he ripped into someone, and you had given him one of those dimpled smiles that he adored so much, and he had stood there blinking for a moment before he cooled his expression again.

Kei didn't really understand why he got so mad when someone flirted with you in the hallways, or when you came to cheer the team on during games.

He had always assumed that it was merely because you were such good friends, but then he had realized that no one else got that mad, they didn't feel the same painful burning in the pit of their stomachs at seeing you with another guy.

Asking Suga had done absolutely nothing, the setter had merely suggested that Kei was jealous, which was absolute bullshit, and he wasn't desperate enough to contact Bokuto or Kuroo yet, though he might be at the point of asking Akaashi.

He would know if he liked you the way that the older setter was implying. He would know if he was in love with you.

Right?

Kei could worry about that later, right now he was more interested in getting that guy's hand off your shoulder and away from your neck.

"(Y/F/N)," Kei called, striding over, back straight. "The game's about to start, we've got to go."

"Kei!" you chirped, smiling at him, moving to his side immediately, giving the guy that had been bugging you a sugar sweet (and utterly fake) smile over your shoulder. "See you around never, hopefully!"

Kei pressed his lips together to hide his smile, letting you wrap your hand around his.

"Was that guy bothering you?"

"A little, but you got there just in time," you told him, your hand tightening it's grip for a moment before you let him go. "Thanks for always having the most amazing timing Kei!"

"Yeah, whatever," he told you, bumping your shoulder with his.

"Seriously, what is it with the girls that hang around with us and wandering off?" Daichi asked when you walked into the gym with Kei.

"Sorry guys! I just wanted to buy a key chain," you said, holding it up, grinning. "It's not my fault that athletes can't take no for an answer! Sometimes I think your on-court determination bleeds over into everyday life."

There were some nods, and Kei watched as the guy that had been bothering you stepped onto the other side of the court.

He followed the guy's eyes to you, where you were laughing at something Kageyama said.

Did- Did that moron just lick his lips at you?

Kei felt that burning sensation in his stomach again.

Kei didn't realize that he had been glaring until he heard your voice right next to him.

"Anyway, good luck guys!" you told them, affectionately ruffling Tadashi's hair, hip-checking Kei on your way into the stands, flashing him that damned dimpled grin over your shoulder.

"Hey, Blondie!" the guy called. "You, Glasses! I'm talkin' to you!"

Kei turned to see the guy from earlier smirking at him.

"Dude, your girl is so hot!" he said.

Kei felt the entirety of Karasuno tense behind him as they realized what was going on.

"Yeah, she is," Kei agreed.

"Think you'd be willin' to share her with me? I promise I'd take good care of her."

"Oh shit," someone muttered, and Kei saw red for a moment before he got himself under control.

"Is your ass jealous about the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?" Kei asked, putting his hand on his hip.

Using insults like that was never really his thing, but he was really pissed right now.

"Hey, Tsukki," Tadashi said quietly, "you might not want to-"

"What did you just say to me?" the guy asked.

"Hey, Kei!" you called from the stands, waving at him to catch his attention. "Leave the smack talk for when you actually win! Block his spike down his throat for me, alright?"

He nodded, giving you a grin that had you giving him one right back.

"God forbid if she was a guy and they were on the same team," Suga muttered, and the others nodded.

"Alright, time for the game to start," Daichi said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kei did as you asked: he blocked every single spike that the guy tried to send over the net, and Kei could already tell that the guy was pissed at the end of the first set.

He was spiking more and more aggressively, which was screwing up aim to the point where Kei didn't even really need to block.

"Go Karasuno!" you cheered, smiling at the team from the stands.

Kei, every time he felt his anger getting out of control, looked to you in the stands to calm down.

Finally, the scumbag was so out of control that he was switched out with another wing spiker.

From there, the game was easy.

By the end of it, Kei hadn't even needed to look for you in the stands. Not only had he memorized where you were, but no one else on that team pissed him off as much as that scumbag did.

As soon as the ball landed on the other side of the court, and it was called, you were running down from the stands, running for him.

"Kei! You were so great!" you cheered, wrapping your arms around his neck, jumping at him.

He wrapped his arms around your waist to keep the both of you from falling over, and he buried his face in your neck as he set you down.

"Oh my gosh, Kei that was so amazing! I think that's the best you've played all season! Seriously! Some of those blocked looked like they would've ripped my arms off, that was so cool!" you gushed, holding onto his forearms.

Kei nodded, giving Tadashi a look over your shoulder for a moment, letting him know that it was okay for him to go on ahead.

"Thanks for blocking the slime ball for me Kei!" you said, smiling up at him. "And what did he say to you that got you so pissed off? I haven't seen you that mad in forever!"

"It was nothing," he told you, "it was stupid."

"Are you sure?" you inquired, looking up at him.

"Yeah, I'm sure the team will tell you about it later."

"Alright, I just wanted to make sure that you were okay," you told him, "'cause you looked really pissed. I haven't seen you that pissed off since that one guy tried to make Tadashi cry."

"I don't like it when people make you uncomfortable like that," Kei said. "It really pisses me off."

"Is that why you kept looking at me during the game?" you asked, and Kei wondered if any other girl would've been so honest with him about something like this, or if it as just the fact that you had both spent so much time together growing up. "I noticed that you always looked at me whenever you had the chance."

Kei nodded, gesturing with his head towards the doors, so that he could catch up with the team and talk with you at the same time.

"Yeah, that was one of the reasons. It kept me focused on the scumbag's spikes, and it calmed me down enough so that I didn't punch him whenever we were across the net from each other."

"I kinda wish that you had, but I also know that it would've gotten you ejected from the game, which is not something I want to happen. Anyway, thanks Kei," you told him, smiling up at him.

"Yeah, always," he said, putting his hand on your head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was when you were over at his house Sunday morning when he realized that he might need to call Kuroo and Bokuto.

You, Kei, and Tadashi had had a sleepover, but Tadashi had left early to spend some time with his moms, so Kei had woken up to you with a hand on his chest and his arm numb from where it was pillowing your head.

The three of you had been sitting on Kei's bed watching a movie, but Tadashi had tipped over sometime near the halfway marker, and Kei had fallen asleep not long after that, so he could only assume that you had fallen asleep sometime after Tadashi had left this morning.

Kei turned on his side slowly, not wanting to wake you up, wrapping an arm around your waist softly.

He toyed with your hair, twisting it in his fingers gently, brushing it behind your ear, threading his fingers through it.

He wasn't ready to get up for the day yet, so he laid there with you, wondering how it would be ten years in the future.

Would your hair be longer? Would you cut it shorter? Would you dye it? Would you have kids by then?

That last one had made him pause.

He had always known that short of you dying or some huge falling out, Kei was in no way going to be able to get rid of you or Tadashi, but he had never even considered dating you, let alone anything beyond that.

So why was he wondering what your kids would look like? Why was he wondering how many you would want, if any? Why was he questioning how many stray animals you might bring home after work?

He sounded like every lovesick fool that got his heart broken in those weird movies that Tadashi liked to watch.

Kei glanced down at your face, and he suddenly found himself unable to think of a reality where he didn't wake up like this for the rest of his life.

When had he stopped seeing you as his little sister, or the annoying female friend that all of his classmates admired? When had he started seeing you as someone he could fall in love with, if he hadn't already?

But even with this new revelation, he couldn't bring himself to pull away from you.

Kei loved it when you both bickered like you hated each other, and he loved when you were able to throw back any insulting thing he said to you. He loved being able to have real conversations with you, but he also liked just sitting quietly with you.

This though, this was by far his favorite thing, seeing all the stress gone from your body, seeing your face without any kind of mask on, he adore seeing the calm serenity that came with sleep.

"Mm, Kei?" you asked sleepily, glancing at him. "What time is it?"

"Still early," he murmured, tucking you into his chest again. "Go back to sleep."

"M'kay," you said, nuzzling in close.

Kei waited for a minute before he grabbed his phone and his glasses from the side table, texting Kuroo.

Normally, he would've talked to Tadashi, but Kei didn't want to drag him into anything until he knew for sure, just in case he was wrong.

Kei: I have a question for you

Kuroo: What's up Tsukki-poo?

Kei: First, don't call me that

Kei: Secondly, and this is completely hypothetical, but how do you know when you love someone?

Kuroo: Aww, is my little kouhai in love with someone? How cute!

Kei made a face, taking a deep breath and glancing at you quickly before he turned his attention back to his phone.

Kei: Just answer the question

Kuroo: We're talking hypothetically?

Kei: Yeah

Kuroo: Can't you use the internet for this stuff? Why ask me? Why not ask Freckles? Or the pretty setter on your team?

Kei: The internet would tell me I have cancer, not that I might be in love with someone

Kei: Secondly, as for the setter comment, I'm assuming you mean Suga

Kei: Thirdly, he would go tell Tadashi, and then the possible love interest, and I don't want to deal with any of those things

Kei: So, please, for the sake of my sanity, just answer the question

Kuroo: Alright, alright. Jeesh. Hypothetically, if you were in love with someone you might start noticing their presence more

Kuroo: It would feel almost like you have a compass where the needle points to them, and you can't turn it off. You notice the little things more than normal, and you know them. I mean, really know them. They feel almost like a part of you

Kuroo: Seeing them hurt hurts you. You constantly feel the need to make sure that they're okay. Even the little things that kind of annoy you are a huge part of what you love about them

Kuroo: You find yourself smiling at them, even when they're doing something completely mundane, and you could recognize their voice in a crowd. Suddenly, they went from just another person, to someone that you could find in a crowd, even if they blend in enough that they normally fade into the background

Kuroo: Hypothetically speaking, of course

Kei was surprised by how much his mentor was able to type out in such a short amount of time, but in the end, he was most surprised by how much it lined up with what you had told him earlier. The basics were the same, and Kei sighed, realizing what this meant for him.

Kei: How to I make it stop?

Kei: Hypothetically

Kuroo: When I figure that out, I'll let you know

Kei blinked at that, then sighed again.

Kei: Thanks, Kuroo-san.

Kuroo: Sure thing Skinny, let me know how it goes

Kuroo: Hypothetically, of course

Kei couldn't help but chuckle softly, and he set his phone aside, wondering whether this was going to change anything, and how long he had been in love with you.

He had always noticed the little things about you, it was just a part of him being perceptive, and he had grown up with you, so he automatically knew you better than 80 percent of the people you went to school with.

But he was more in tune with your presence than even Tadashi was. And he had always managed to pick your voice out in a crowd.

He glanced down at you, and suddenly, instead of being worried about if he was in love you, he was more worried about whether you loved him back or not.

Kei debated texting Tadashi, but he decided that it could wait, and he wanted to enjoy this time with you unhindered.

Kei knew that he was never going to say anything unless he was sure you felt the same way about him.

For one thing, you were nice enough that it was entirely possible that you would date him just because you were too nice to say no. For another thing, he wasn't the kind of guy to make a move if he thought it wouldn't lead to a win. Not to mention, that if you he did ask you out and you said no, that might make things awkward in the friend group, and Kei didn't want that to happen.

He had gone this long, right? What was a few more weeks?

But, of course, things didn't go the way that Kei wanted them to.

As the end of a semester approached, as well as the end of the year, projects piled on, as did speeches and tests.

Kei had always done well academically, and he wasn't as stressed as some of the other people he knew, like Hinata and Kageyama.

You seemed to be feeling the pressure too, even though Kei knew that you were going to be getting some of the higher grades in class, just like always.

You were freaking out more than usual, and Kei realized that he needed to do something if he didn't want you to overwork yourself.

He found you on the swings at the park by your house.

He had gone over to make sure that you had eaten something, but your mother had told him that you had gone out earlier, and that she didn't know where you were.

"Hey," he said, announcing his presence as he settled beside you.

"Hey Kei," you replied, staring at the ground in front of you like it held the key to the universe.

"Are you okay?"

"No," you admitted. "I'm so nervous and freaked out that I can't eat anything. I have that weird mineral deficiency so drinking water just makes me really dizzy and I almost passed out when I stood up at the end of the day and there's nothing I can do about it! Not to mention that, once again, I got stuck with the morons that aren't going to do anything to help me with the project so I'm stuck doing everything by myself. For some of my classes, that's okay, I can just tell the teacher that they didn't help, but for some of them they're going to give me that bullshit lecture about working together. I have no idea what to do my speech about for that one class, and I have so many back to back tests that I think I might forget everything!"

Kei let you ramble, watching the way your hands moved around, trying to communicate the stress and anger and nerves that you were experiencing all at once.

He watched the way yours eyes widened and squeezed shut to add extra emphasis. He watched the way you glanced over at him to make sure that he was still paying attention, to make sure that you weren't annoying him, the way you smiled a little bit whenever you noticed that he was watching you and that you weren't annoying him by talking.

Somehow, you started talking about the constant love letters that he was getting.

"I mean, I get that some girls feel the need to have a boyfriend," you said, rolling your eyes, "but I have bigger things to worry about than their attraction to you, you know? One girl gave me a letter the other day, and I was so tired that I didn't realize what it was, and I started to read it and I was caught between wanting to laugh, cry, and hurl all at the same time."

Kei perked up at that.

"It made me kinda sad too," you admitted, your voice quieting. "I mean, it must really suck for you, getting all these letters claiming that they love you when they don't even know that first thing about who you are. I mean, it was hilarious that she even thought that you were interested in getting a girlfriend, and it was sickening how many times she used the words 'hot', 'sexy', and 'unadulteratedly handsome' to describe you."

Kei knew he made a face at that, with the way you laughed, before you continued, your voice even quieter than it had been, "But it made me sad to think that you keep having to read these things. They claim that they love you, that they want to be with you, and they don't even know who you are. Not in a way that matters at least. I don't know, it was just kind of depressing I guess."

You glanced at him, turning to face him.

"I hope you don't mind, but I started throwing them away. I'm getting sick and tired of being their carrier pigeon, and I really hate thinking about you having to deal with them all the time. If they want to confess they can find another way to do it."

"I don't mind, at all," he assured you, and you smiled at him.

But then your smiled faded into something similar to a frown.

"Hey, Kei?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you remember that promise we made when we were kids?"

"How could I forget? You never shut up about it during middle school," he teased.

"I broke that promise," you whispered. "That was one of the reasons that those letters made me so upset. As someone who has loved you, really loved you, for longer than they've known about you, it made me sick to read some of the things they said. I know that that makes me sound like some kind of possessive bitch, but it's true."

Kei stared at you, wondering if he had just heard that right.

You were in love with him? And had been for more than three years?

Kei felt like the breath had been knocked out of him.

"What's with the face Kei?" you asked. "I thought you knew already."

Kei didn't think that his eyes could get any wider than they were at that moment.

"Y-You . . . I-I what?"

"Come on Kei, you had to have noticed by now," you said, looking more concerned by the second. "I mean, it's not like I act the same way around everyone else that I do around you."

Kei let his brain process the things that you were telling him before he managed to squeak out, "You mean, like a friend thing right?"

You bit your lip, checking his face for something, fiddling with your fingers in your lap.

"No, Kei," you said finally. "I mean like, I want to be your girlfriend kind of love."

You weren't looking at him now, and he was worried you were taking this the wrong way. He didn't want this to end in a misunderstanding so he sighed dramatically.

"So, you're telling me that I could have confessed months ago and avoided the entire overthinking part of my recent internal panic?" he asked, watching the way your brows furrowed with confusion, the way your head whipped up when you finally realized what he was saying to you.

"A-Are you saying that the feeling is mutual?" you asked, eyes wide as you both looked at each other.

"Yes, you dumbass," he teased, smiling softly at you. "I broke that promise too, so it's okay, since we both broke it."

Now you were the one staring at him in disbelief.

Then you were off your swing and pacing in front of them, waving your hands around like a madwoman.

"Holy shit, you love me back," you muttered, glancing at him out of the corner of your eye every few seconds, like you were worried he would disappear. "I-I don't know what to do from here. I never thought that I would get this far. Is . . . is this where we talk about whether we want this to be a serious thing?" you asked. "Is this where we agree that we love each other but we pretend like nothing's changed? What am I supposed to do in this situation?"

"For one thing," Kei said, standing so that he could wrap his hands around your wrists, gently making you look at him. "You could calm down and let me get a word or two in before you make yourself black out."

You nodded, taking a deep breath.

"For another," he continued, "you and I should go back to your house. Your mom is worried sick about you, and you need to eat something before you pass out. We can have a serious talk about what this means once you aren't in danger of passing out from exhaustion or malnutrition."

"Okay, but only because I know that you're going to make me do it anyway," you told him, making him laugh.

You both walked in silence for a while before you asked, "When did you realize?"

"A few months ago," he admitted. "I think I've always known, but that guy- the slimeball that I blocked- got on my nerves enough that I knew it wasn't some platonic 'protect a friend' thing. I started seeing it more and more after that. I talked to Kuroo-san about it when I was nearly 100 percent sure, and that solidified it for me I guess, that night you and Tadashi stayed over and we watched that horrid slasher film. I woke up and you were right there by my side, and suddenly I couldn't imagine waking up any other way."

"That really was a horrible movie," you muttered. "I didn't think you were going to be the cheesy one today, but then again, you are always surprising me. And you didn't think to tell me?"

"I was worried it would make things awkward, and I didn't want to say something and be wrong, you know? Besides, you can't say anything. How long have you known?"

"Do you remember the summer before our third year in middle school and we all stayed at my grandparents' camp for three weeks?"

"That long? We were- what?- twelve?"

"Yeah. I remember that there was a thunderstorm the first night we were there, and I got up in the middle of the night because I couldn't sleep, so I stood on the deck, in a tank top and shorts because I wanted to. I don't even remember how long I had been out there when you wandered out. I remember calling you a dumbass because 'What if I was a murderer?' and you just called me short.

"We both stood there for a few minutes, and when I shivered, you wrapped your arms around my waist from behind me, pressing your chest to my back and calling me an idiot for wearing something so light in the middle of a thunderstorm. Instead of doing the sensible thing and getting a blanket or a jacket, you just hugged me and stood there with me until I couldn't stand it and we went inside."

Kei remembered that. He had seen you standing out on the deck when the lightning had flashed, and he had been worried when you weren't in your room, so he had gone out to check on you.

You had looked so happy, standing there in the rain, listening to the thunder crash in the distance.

He had wanted to stay with you, so he had.

It was one of the first times he had decided that he didn't care what it looked like, he cared for you, and he was going to show it somehow.

Kei slipped his hand into yours, interlacing your fingers together.

You glanced at him, but you didn't say anything, just squeezed his hand and walked with him.

When you both got back to your house, you grabbed a plate of food and plopped down at your desk in your room.

Kei lounged on your bed while you ate, watching you flip through a textbook and scribble notes in between bites of food.

When you pushed the plate to the side, your turned to face him.

"So."

"So."

You both locked eyes and chuckled.

"I already told you what I wanted out of this," you told him, shrugging. "I'm fine with whatever we decide, but that's my best case scenario ending for this."

"You make this sound like a business meeting," he teased, watching you stand up to move next to him on your bed.

"What do you want from this, Kei?" you asked, glancing down at your lap.

"I want you to be my girlfriend," he admitted. "I want to glare at guys that think they even have a chance with you. I want to kiss you for good luck before a game, all that sappy shit that everyone says that I wouldn't be into."

You smiled, laughing a little breathlessly for a moment before you comprehended everything he said.

"All of it?" you asked, turning those damned doe eyes on him again.

"All of it," he confirmed.

You chuckled softly, taking his hand again.

"Good. Me too."

"Good," he replied, pressing a quick kiss to your temple.

You giggled, something that made Kei stop for a moment, because you weren't the type of girl to giggle, at anything.

He smiled softly at you, and he wondered how much shit he was going to get from his team with you around, but he realized that it wasn't anything he needed to worry about yet.

Then he remembered something else.

"Hey, do you want to cause a little chaos?" Kei asked you.

"How so?"

"Remember how I said I talked to Kuroo-san?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, he wanted me to let him know how it went," Kei admitted. "I have him, Bokuto, Akaashi, Lev, and Hinata in a discord group chat. I want to try something, if you're okay with it."

"What do you have in mind?" you asked, arching an eyebrow, a smirk on your lips that said you were up for almost anything.

Skinny: img.jpg

Skinny: Thanks Kuroo-san

five people are typing...

Kei laughed, leaning over to show you the chaos that had ensued when he had sent the group chat the photo of you kissing his cheek.

You giggled at the many exclamation points and question marks, snickering at Kuroo's reply.

"I love you," you told him, kissing his cheek again.

"I love you too," he said, ignoring the calls that were coming through on his phone as he leaned over to cup your face in his hands.

#kei x reader #tsukishima x reader #kei tsukishima x reader #tsukishima kei x reader #haikyuu x reader #love #requited love #unrequited love #mutual pining #friends to lovers #this wasn't supposed to be this long #holy fuck #i'm actually really proud of this? #tsukishima #kei #tsukishima kei #kei tsukishima #kuroo tetsuro #tadashi yamaguchi #haikyuu!! #hq #hq fluff #hq x reader #haikyuu!! x reader

[julemmaes]

Robyn

Rowaelin Month, Day Ten

A/N: I'd planned on posting them in order, but you get what you get. Idk when the other prompts will come tbf. I hope soon. Anyway, I managed to write over 6k words today and I'm pretty fucking proud.

This is just fluff over fluff, so yep enjoy!!

Word count: 3,047

Rowan was unbelievably late as he sped through the streets of Orynth.

So late that the school had called not only him, but also the front desk of the place where he worked when he hadn't answered the call on his personal phone. Sorscha, his assistant, had entered his office with an embarrassed smile on her lips, as if she didn't want to tell him that he had forgotten for the umpteenth time to pick up his daughter from school.

Lorcan had joined him, for some strange reason, but Rowan had stopped bothering when it came to his best friend. He'd been trying to figure out how he reasoned for years and had come to the conclusion that there was no logical sense in the actions of the man sitting next to him, who was currently singing at the top of his lungs to one of the songs on the Frozen CD - which much to the chagrin of both of them, had gotten stuck in his car radio months before, forcing them into hours of torture.

He would never deny that the songs were all quite catchy, but after the sixteenth time Rowan had had to listen to Let It Go at maximum volume, his positive opinion of the film had begun to waver.

As they pulled into the school parking lot, Rowan noticed with deep regret that the only cars still there were those of the teachers and school staff.

They both got out of the car, Rowan walking quickly towards the entrance while Lorcan dragged behind him.

He greeted the caretakers sitting at the entrance, who returned a big smile. A smile that grew even wider when his large, imposing friend entered a few moments later. He stopped to talk to the old ladies and Rowan walked down the corridor he knew led to Robyn's classroom.

He could hear muffled voices from inside the teachers' room on the left and the one he knew belonged to Miss Galathynius coming from the right. He looked out over the classroom, spotting the two people sitting at a desk.

As soon as his daughter saw him, her eyes widened and a huge smile flashed across her face.

No words. No "hello, daddy!" or "I missed you!" from the little girl.

Her teacher turned as she leapt out of her chair and ran towards him, hugging his legs and looking up at him. Rowan smiled at her in turn, running a hand over her hair that was shot in every direction.

"Hello, little bird," he murmured to her. The child's smile widened even more if that was possible.

The woman a few feet away from them pulled herself upright, crossing her arms over her chest and offering a sincere smile to the child, who hid behind his thighs.

Rowan was about to tell her that Robyn was shy with everyone like this, ready to defend his daughter's behaviour as he was used to doing in front of every adult, but he was beaten to the punch.

"It's good to see you, Mr Whitethorn," she said, extending a hand. Rowan shook it without hesitation. "Actually, I just wanted to write you a letter regarding Robyn," she continued, never taking her eyes off the little girl. "Nothing serious," she hastened to reassure him when Rowan grimaced, "quite the contrary. Robyn is remarkably good. One of the best in the class, though I shouldn't offer that information so bluntly."

Miss Galathynius winked at him, but he couldn't process what he'd just been told.

"Sorry, could you-"

The little hands clamped around his trousers tightened a fraction more and Rowan looked down, trying to figure out what was bothering his daughter, but then something happened that he hadn't even dared to dream about in recent times.

"You're here!"

The little girl broke off and ran away from him in less than the blink of an eye.

Rowan turned just in time to see Lorcan grab Robyn in mid-air, spinning her around as he brought her to his chest and showered her with kisses. The loud, incessant laughter that erupted from her seemed too much coming from that fragile little body, but he never tired of hearing it.

"Why hello baby!" said Lorcan laughing in turn, starting to tickle her until she begun to rebel and he was forced to let her slide to the floor. Robyn was still laughing at the top of her lungs and nearly fell to the ground as she squealed left and right, letting herself be pushed around by the closest thing to an uncle she had ever had.

When Rowan turned back to the woman, she was wide-eyed and her lips slightly parted as she watched the massive man dressed completely in black and the menacing face turn into a completely different person the second he had seen Robyn.

He chuckled, "I know, it's not every day you get to see a little girl be so comfortable with a brute like that."

Lorcan, who was listening to everything, looked him straight in the eye and without stopping smiling and playing with the little girl, mouthed to him to fuck off.

"Well, yeah. You caught me a little off guard." she confessed, still shocked to hear how Robyn was having a full conversation with Lorcan. They couldn't hear anything of what she was actually saying, but even just the fact she was talking to someone seemed to have Aelin unsettled.

She returned her attention to Rowan and let out a breath that sounded more like a giggle, "I've never heard her laugh before."

He nodded, blushing a little at the teacher's surprised but relieved tone.

"I'm sure the dean warned you about the problem she has," he said in a low voice. He grimaced at her poor choice of words, "I mean, not problem, but the difficulty she finds in interacting with people she doesn't know."

Liar, he told himself. Robyn hadn't spoken to anyone but him and Lorcan since the day Lyria had died. It wasn't a difficulty, but a response to the trauma that prevented her from speaking to anyone who wasn't part of her immediate family.

"I know, I know. We've been looking for solutions together." she informed him. "I give her a white board every morning. Come on, I'll show you." she turned to the desk they were sitting at earlier and raised the magnetic board, on which a few words were scribbled on. "I'll write here what she might need. Yes. No. I need to go to the bathroom. I'm thirsty. I'm hungry." she read, listing the various options. Rowan gaped. "We've only just started going over the alphabet for a second time, so she can't really read or write yet, as I imagine you know, but the little drawings next to each sentence help her."

She continued talking, but he couldn't quite follow.

The woman in front of him - aside from being breathtakingly beautiful - had done as much as she could to help her child with communication.

"Mr. Whitethorn-"

"Rowan. Please, call me Rowan." he said, clearing his throat once he realized how hoarse it sounded to his ears. Lorcan walked up to them at that point, still holding Robyn in his arms and positioned himself next to him, letting their shoulders touch in a comforting way.

"Call me Aelin, then," she smiled at them both. Then she made a small grimace, turning to Rowan, "I wanted to ask if it bothered you, that I sought a solution like that. Maybe I put her in distress, embarrassed her. I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that I wanted to solve this on my own. I really wanted to discuss it with you, with your husband too, to avoid misunderstandings. Maybe we could arrange a meeting."

He was about to tell her that she had given him the exact opposite of annoyance, that he had been more than pleased that she had helped Robyn this way, when her words finally registered.

Lorcan, beside him, had opened his mouth wide and his lips were slowly bending into a mischievous smile.

Rowan furrowed his brow, "I'm sorry, what?"

Aelin's smile seemed to falter. "A meeting? With you? To talk about how to handle the situation," then she shifted her gaze to Lorcan, "You're more than welcome to join as well. I didn't know Robyn had two dads, I apologise for assuming Robyn had a mum and dad. That was very rude of me-"

"I love this," Lorcan whispered, laughing in shock. He turned to Rowan with eyes that sparkled with amusement, "I would definitely be the top."

Rowan looked at him with an expression of complete shock on his face, "What the fuck are you talking about?"

Robyn gasped, opening her eyes wide and bringing a hand to her mouth, pointing then to Rowan's.

"Yeah, sorry, love. I shouldn't have said the bad word." he apologised, giving her a quick kiss on the forehead. He turned back to Miss Galathynius, "I'm sorry to have to disappoint you, but we're not married."

"No need to lie, sweetie. I'm sure Aelin," he gave her a knowing look, "doesn't mind at all about our relationship status."

Aelin nodded, "Well, yes. That doesn't change anything. Mr..." she turned to Lorcan, searching for a name.

"Salvaterre."

"Mr. Salvaterre can still attend. The fact that you are not yet married is no reason why you cannot both be present at the meeting. You don't have to worry, we are a very tolerant school and if anyone bothers you, you can come directly to me."

A sound of sheer glee escaped Lorcan.

Aelin continued, "I mean it. I was pleased to see both of you today. I was also pleased to see Robyn smiling so much." she concluded, looking the little one in the face.

Rowan took a deep breath, bracing himself, "No, I meant, we're not a couple. We're not gay. He's her uncle."

The woman's blonde eyebrows shot up and a second later she turned almost as red as the dress Robyn was wearing as Lorcan shook his head muttering something very much like 'you're no fun', which made Robyn giggle.

"Why did you even get off the car?" he asked him exasperated.

Lorcan shrugged, "Because I missed my little bean, you monster." he replied, clutching Robyn to his chest. The little girl clutched Lorcan's shirt in her chubby little hands and Rowan huffed, shaking his head.

Aelin brought her hands to her face, leaning against the desk behind her. She shook her head, her face still hidden, "Oh, god. I'm so sorry."

Lorcan let out a dry laugh, "Don't worry about it. It was fun while it lasted." then he turned to Rowan again, who was still trying to recover from the idea of being involved in a relationship with his friend, "You're really no fun."

"Yeah, no fun dad." repeated Robyn.

Silence fell over the class. Rowan looked at her with wide eyes and blinked once, twice. Robyn was staring at him with a sweet scowl that mimicked so much that of the man who was still holding her, but Rowan couldn't get over the fact that his daughter had spoken while Aelin was still beside them.

He was about to talk, noticing how Robyn had started squirming in Lorcan's arms, when there was a knock at the door.

They both turned, Aelin peering over Rowan's shoulder, and saw the figure of a petite girl with black hair and eyes standing in the doorway, watching them with her head slightly bent to the side. She had a tag on her t-shirt that was too colourful to belong to someone who didn't work in a school with children, so he guessed she was a teacher herself. Besides, Rowan felt like he'd seen her elsewhere. Probably every day when he picked Robyn up from school, he said to himself.

"I know you're not supposed to eavesdrop but I stopped by earlier and heard you were a couple of dads," she said by way of introduction. "I just wanted to reassure you that the school is an extremely safe place. I'm the one who did most of the interviews with the parents," that's where they had met then, "and one of the questions that is asked is just about the tolerance of the people who will be attending the school."

Aelin watched her, remaining silent the whole time and putting on an amused smile, nodded, "That's what I was telling them. How tolerant the school is. They make such a cute couple, don't you think, Elide?"

Rowan turned to her, arching an eyebrow, silently asking her what she was doing. The woman, as if she could truly understand what he was trying to convey to her, nodded her head towards Lorcan, who Rowan only then noticed was standing weirdly, his eyes fixed on the woman in the doorway.

He grinned, deciding to take his revenge right away. "Oh, yes. Thank you so much for the reassurance," Rowan began to play along as well. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Lorcan turn towards him, dropping Robyn to the floor, who made a disapproving noise at being dumped so suddenly. "We are happy to know that this school is a safe place for our daughter. And for us."

Elide offered him a blinding smile, "Good. I'm happy to hear that you are pleased so far. And I am happy that Aelin is the one who is taking your daughter's class. She's the best one here."

Rowan didn't know her yet, but he knew the thing Elide had just said could only be true.

"Well," she said again, giving them an apologetic smile, "I really must go now, but if you need anything, you can find all my contact details on the website. Have a nice day!"

Aelin and Rowan said their goodbyes, thanking her. Lorcan took a while to recover, but when he realised he was staring into empty space he ran towards the door, almost stepping on little Robyn, who was moved by Aelin.

"We are very much not gay, miss!" he shouted into the hallway. Aelin, now beside him and with a hand on Robyn's shoulder, cackled. With Lorcan's infinite luck, someone walked by just then and gave him a stern look. "Oh, shut up ma'am. I'm an ally. The best ally."

Rowan shook his head as Lorcan launched himself in pursuit of the poor teacher and burst out laughing when he heard him shout, "I'm not homophobic! I'm willing to suck someone's cock if I have to prove it to you!"

Aelin opened her mouth wide before bursting out laughing in turn.

Robyn, seeing both adults so happy, giggled too and Rowan bent down to pick her up. The little girl laid her full head of white-light hair on his shoulder and closed her eyes.

She was tired and Rowan really needed to get her home to sleep.

He glanced at Aelin and reduced his lips to a thin line, "I'm sorry about the commotion, I'll try not to bring him into the building again. Even if it means tying him to the seat."

The soft laugh she gave made something tighten in his chest. He frowned.

Aelin didn't seem to notice the effect she had on him, "Don't worry, Elide is crazy about fools like him. If he says the right things, we might start seeing each other outside of school too."

Rowan nodded, now too caught up in the thought of having to take Robyn home to focus on anything else.

They agreed on when to hold the parent-teacher meeting and then he grabbed Robyn's backpack, walking towards the exit.

He was thoughtless as he reached into his pocket for his keys and balanced everything else - including the girl - on his other arm, but when Robyn's hand brushed his cheek, he looked down and his eyes met their twins. Green against green.

"What is it?"

The little girl's voice never stopped making him smile. Each time was like the first time she had said dada.

"I really like her."

Rowan frowned, "Who?"

"Miss Aelin." she whispered, almost as if she was afraid they might hear her.

He smiled at her, "Yeah? You like her?"

"She's nice to me."

Rowan had to put her down as he opened the door and let her get into the back seats by herself.

"I'm glad she's treating you well, love," he let her know, buckling her in.

He hoped she'd tell him more about her new teacher, but like any kid her age, the topic of conversation couldn't last for more than four lines apiece, "Where's Uncle Lorcan?"

Rowan snorted, "No idea, little bird."

Robyn nodded, "Elide is pretty too."

And as if those words had summoned him, Lorcan appeared beside the car, making them both scream. He entered the car in a heartbeat and turned to his daughter, who was still settling into the seat. "Do you know Miss Lochan?"

But before she could answer him, Rowan had entered the car in turn and smacked the back of his head, which made the Robyn giggle, "You're not using my daughter as your wingman. Now stop it and buckle up."

Lorcan gave him a gentle push, before doing as he was told and for once he was happy he'd convinced him to do something.

Or at least, Rowan thought he had convinced him.

"What if I left you a note to deliver to Miss Lochan, Rob? Would you be up for it?"

Rowan knew, even without looking at her, that she was nodding emphatically.

Keeping his eyes on the road, he murmured, "Could you stop calling my daughter Rob, please? You'll give her an existential crisis."

Lorcan clicked his tongue against his palate, "Rowan, I'm not giving her a damn thing. We live in this new world, okay? Your daughter could be called Simon and still be a beautiful princess. Grow up and educate yourself before you talk shit."

"Aaaah!" shouted Robyn, "Bad word!"

Rowan sighed and shook his head, but still he was smiling.

This was his life. Had been for the past two years.

And he wouldn't change it for the world.

tog tag list (if you wanna be added or removed just dm me or send me an ask)

@maastrash @ireallyshouldsleeprn @sleeping-and-books @hellasblessed @thegoddessofyou @ghostlyrose2 @claralady @sayosdreams @perseusannabeth @letstakethedawn @terrible-and-proud @post-it-notes33 @booksstorm @nalgenewhore @queen-of-demons-and-hell @lanyjoy-13 @vasudharaghavan @cupcakey00 @bri-loves-sunflowers @queen-of-glass @thewayshedreamed @the-regal-warrior @fangirlprincess09 @januarystears @rowaelinismyotp @starbornsinger @bookstantrash @thegreyj @feysand-loml @autumnbabylon @a-court-of-milkandhoney @highqueenofelfhame @story-scribbler @mariamuses @rhysandswingspan @tanvee1231

#rowaelinmonth #rowaelin #rowan whitethorn #aelin galathynius #tog #throne of glass #rowaelin fic #fluff #rowaelin month day ten

[lipstickstainz]

true lies - s. r. (12/?)

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Series Summary: Spencer is furious, when you rejoin the team after a year and after you left him, when he got arrested. Little does he know, that you leaving him was the only option to ever get him out of prison.

Chapter Summary: A collection of letters Spencer and you share while you're gone - and then you're gone forever. At least, that what he thinks.

Warnings: some fluff, angst, angst, angst, smoking, slight ptsd, grief and loss

Word Count: 2.2k

A/N: I'm sososososo sorry. please don't hate me. I love you. gif not mine.

Series Masterlist

previous part

Dearest little bear,

two months have passed since you had to leave, and not a day goes by that I don't think of you and wish you were here with me.

We are trying to do everything in our power to be able to bring you back home. But unfortunately, it seems to be taking longer than I would like.

I was told you were working on it as well. You are strong and smart and even though you can't be with me, I'm sure we can do it together.

Take care of yourself.

With love,

Neruda

-

Dearest Neruda,

I was very happy to receive your message. I always carry it with me, although I would rather be in your arms, but I can't.

I can't tell you where I am right now, but still I wish you were with me. It is warm and beautiful and I am sure you would like it here very much.

Except for these letters, I'm not allowed to talk to any of you, but I like talking to you best anyway. We've come this far. And we'll make it.

Thinking of you.

With love,

little bear

-

Dearest little bear,

It's been four months and with each passing second it becomes more unbearable. But a light is appearing at the end of the dark tunnel. We think we know who she is.

It won't be long before we can see each other again. And I can't wait to be able to hug you again. To be able to touch you. Or kiss you.

Not much longer. And then nothing can separate us.

Take care of yourself.

With love,

Neruda

-

Dearest Neruda,

It would have been too good to be with you again at last. But it still takes time.

I have found something that can help us, but for now, just know that I will do everything I can so that I can return home. Back to you. No matter what it costs.

Keep your eyes open. We're closer than you think.

I'm thinking of you.

With love,

little bear

-

Dearest little bear,

I was given time off to take a break. I was with my mother and she told me that a kind young lady had been here. She doesn't remember you, but she knows you are familiar and that she can trust you. As I do.

I am infinitely grateful. And I'm tired of waiting, but for you I do. For you, I do it all.

Take care of yourself.

With love,

Neruda

-

Dearest Neruda,

I can no longer grasp a clear thought, because whenever I close my eyes I see everything I have done in review. I can hardly sleep and the nightmares plague me.

I just hope that everything will end soon. It has already been a year since we saw each other. I can't promise you anything, but I hope you know that everything I had to do was for you. For us.

Thinking of you.

With love,

little bear

-

Dearest little bear,

it's been a few weeks since I've heard from you. I hope you are doing well.

We have found a trail that will take us further.And brings me a little closer to you. And that will bring you back home. I can't wait.

Take care of yourself.

With love,

Neruda

-

Dearest little bear,

It's been two months since you wrote to me.

Get back to me as soon as you can.

Take care of yourself.

With love,

Neruda

-

Dearest little bear,

Words cannot describe how much I miss you. Or how great the pain in my chest is.

I can't eat, I can't sleep. I can hardly breathe without you.

Thinking of you.

With love,

Neruda

-

Dearest little bear,

they hung your picture today. In the portrait you are smiling, proud to finally be part of the team. I can't look at it.

I was sent home, but everything there reminds me of you.

Thinking of you.

With love,

Neruda

-

Dearest little bear,

I keep your letters in a small box next to my bed. They are a part of you that I don't want to lose, even though I have already lost you. They are a part of you, just as you are a part of me.

Thinking of you.

With love,

Neruda

-

Dearest little bear,

I went to our bookstore and found a book of poems that you would like. I'll put it with your letters.

No book in the world could have prepared me for the grief I feel. The pain is too engaging for me to talk about it with anyone but you.

Thinking of you.

With love,

Neruda

-

Dear little bear,

it's been almost two years since we last saw each other. I don't remember what you sound like, or what you smell like. Why can't I remember that? Is it wrong of me not to think it's bad? It takes away my pain a little.

Thinking of you.

With love,

Neruda

-

Dear little bear,

A lot has happened in the two years we've been apart. Too much to ever be able to write down all the things. I just want you to know that this time was not easy for me. Not for any of us.

I put your letters away safely because you will always be important to me. But I have to let you go. And with this, I release you.

I love you. Forever.

With love,

Neruda

-

You pinch your leg to wake up. Your neck is wet with cold sweat and you have to blink several times to realize that you are in a cab. You run your hand through your hair as the driver looks at you curiously through the rearview mirror. He says nothing, which is why you glance out the window.

The drive from the airport to Quantico only takes an hour, but you still take the opportunity to close your eyes for a moment and doze a little. You haven't had a decent night's sleep in ages, you don't even know what a healthy portion of sleep feels like anymore, because you haven't had that luxury in the last two years.

As the car comes to a stop in front of the FBI building, you pay the driver and get out with your small bag. The building seems much bigger than you remember. You used to spend every day here, it had once been your home. But now you're not even sure you have a home anymore.

You take a deep breath and enter through the large doors, but are directly approached by a security guard.

"Miss? Are you visiting?", he asks suspiciously, extending his arm to keep you at a distance - something that wouldn't do him much good if you were actually trying to get past him.He eyes you up and down, which you can't blame him for. In your ripped jeans, dirty sneakers, and loose sweater, you don't look like someone who belongs here. By now, you don't either.

You look at him. "I'm here to see Unit Chief Prentiss", you reply coolly. You know he's just doing his job, but you're too impatient to let all this wash over you. You know Emily is already in the office. You know her too well not to. Why doesn't he just go get her? You just want to see your friend.

"Chief Prentiss?" He raises an eyebrow. "And what is your request?"

Your gaze is rock hard and your tone cold as ice. "Tell her Y/N Y/L/N is here to see her."

You wait outside the building, letting the morning sun warm your skin and the cigarette burn between your fingers before you put it to your lips and take a drag. Afterwards, you stub it out on a trash can. As you exhale the last bit of smoke, you turn around. And there she is.

Emily is standing at the door, and when you see her, you drop your bag and wrap her in your arms so tightly that you can't breathe. You cling to her, afraid that maybe this whole thing isn't as real as it feels, but you imperceptibly pinch your arm. And she is still with you.

"I thought - they said", she stammers, and it's the first time in your friendship that she's speechless. You hug her even tighter.

"I know", you answer softly, blinking away the tears that have formed in your eyes. The moment is too beautiful to cry. As you break away from each other, Emily wipes her own tears from her cheeks, but some have already landed on her blouse. There are dark stains now.

"I don't even know what to say", she says, smiling at you as you enter the building together. The guard gives you a look, but doesn't ask any questions as you walk past him toward the elevator. Inside, she pushes a button that takes you to the BAU floor. "I can hardly believe you're really here."

Neither can you.

The office is completely silent because no one is here yet except for you. Although nothing has changed, everything has changed because you are now someone else. It's been a long time since you've been here. Two years, but everything in this room is all too familiar to you. The coffee machine, the law books, the files. It feels like you've never been away. It's déjà vu all over again.

While Emily gets you both coffee, you sit down at the round table and wait for her. Your friend sets the cups down on the table before sitting down next to you. She smiles faintly. "How are you?"

You pucker your mouth. How are you? You haven't been asked that question in ages, and to be honest, you don't know how to answer it either. How could you possibly be?

When you don't answer Emily, she phrases her question differently. "What are you feeling right now?"

Your lips become a thin line. "I don't know. It feels like all of this," you point to the room, "isn't a part of me anymore. Nothing has changed, but it still feels foreign."

Emily nods. "You've been through a lot, I guess." She takes a sip of her coffee. "You're right, Y/N. Nothing has really changed here. But you're a different one now, aren't you?"

You open your mouth to answer her, but you don't know what either. Part of you feels at home here, but a bigger part of you knows your place is somewhere else. You just don't know where exactly.

"Do you want to see the others?", Emily asks. "I'm asking you because it's been a long time since you've seen them. And they think you're...you know. Are you ready for that?"

Are you ready for that? You haven't seen either of them in a long time, and it would probably be better not to see them for now, but to let Emily sort it out first. But the team is your family - the closest thing you have to a family. And you've missed them all terribly.

You nod and take a sip of your coffee as JJ and Rossi enter the room. When they see you, they glance uncertainly at Emily, as if they're not sure if it's just imagination, but she nods at them. And that's when all the dams break for JJ.

She pulls you from your chair and hugs you like the salvation of the world depends on it, and David has to pry her cramped arms from you so he can put his around you as well. They affirm to you how much they missed you and ask how you are, wanting to know what happened, but Tara and Penelope join them and that's when it gets too loud for you.

Penelope cries with joy and Tara also can't believe that you are standing in front of her. They besiege you and ask you questions to which you have no answers, so you just smile weakly at them. They definitely don't mean any harm, after all, you've just risen from the dead for them, but you've spent the last while in silence and are no longer used to this volume. So you turn away from them. They look anxiously after you as you sort of flee from them. You hope that this will make the headache go away.

Without paying much attention to where you're going, you find yourself facing the wall where the pictures of the deceased agents hang. And yours is hanging there, too. You don't know how long you've been standing in front of it - minutes? hours? -until a familiar voice snaps you out of your thoughts.

"Y/N?"

You turn around and there stands Spencer. His hair is a little shorter and he looks like he's seen a ghost. Well, he sort of has.

You want to throw yourself into his arms, kiss him, and never let him go. Seeing him knocks the air out of your lungs, which is why you can barely breathe. The two years without him had been hell on earth, but you got through them. For him.

For Spencer, who doesn't take his eyes off you as the blonde woman next to him, whose fingers are intertwined with his, looks at him and asks, "Honey, who's that?"

- tags -

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#spencer reid #spencer reid smut #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid headcanon #spencer reid series #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x reader smut #spencer reid one shot #spencer reid blurb #criminal minds #criminal minds one shot #Emily Prentiss #tara lewis #Jennifer jareau #aaron hotchner

[serenityseventeen]

Love & Letter: To The Thirteen Boys I've Loved Before

The First Letter

-------------------

To: Choi Seungcheol

From: Y/N

Hi, Seungcheol.

I know that in your life, I've probably been a side character. A classmate in your autobiography or life movie. I don't expect to become anything more than that because now, I don't think I have a chance.

We've known each other since we were young. We've known each other for all of our life basically, right?

I can still remember what a cute kid you were back in kindergarten. You were such a nice little boy and whenever the other kids picked on me, you would stand up to them and say, “Hey! I'll tell the teacher and I'll also tell Y/N's parents about everything!”

I don't know if you remember that, but I do.

When we went to middle school, I think that's when I first began liking you. Even though we live just a block apart from each other, we didn't talk a lot outside of school. Since we were both classmates and knew each other's house location, it was a bit awkward for me, but thank you for talking to me when we waited for the bus at the bus stop together. Sometimes you would just briefly mention my hair or the small details like new shoes or socks.

Thinking about it still gives me hope that you like me.

Throughout middle school, you always fed me hope. Maybe because in general, you were just a charming, manly, attractive, and caring guy. Maybe I'm still misunderstanding too many of your actions.

I can remember so many times that my heart fluttered and my stomach filled with butterflies because of you, Seungcheol. Since this is a letter to you that I won't send, I guess I'll just write them all down here to keep as a memory, just in case I ever miss you or feel nostalgic. You're my first love, after all, Seungcheol.

There was this time when we were in 6th grade. In 6th grade, both of us didn't talk much, and surprisingly, we didn't get a lot of long-term projects together. I don't think we got any at all actually.

Anyway, it was the middle of spring and both of us were just hanging out with our group of friends. You were throwing around a paper ball, playing a game of catch with your friends during the break. I was just being the usual me, listening to my friends talk while drawing dancing cartoons in the empty spaces in my notebook. Sometimes I would glance up and catch a glimpse of you catching the ball.

Despite being in middle school, you had really large, muscular arms. I was watching you and your friend play catch for a bit. Your friend was right next to me, catching the ball, and you were on the opposite side. I turned back to my notebook then all of a sudden, the ball flew right in my face from your hands.

I let out a small “ouch” even though it didn't hurt. Your friend asked me if I was okay, to which I replied that I was fine. Just then, I don't know when you came, but you came in front of me and took my face in your hands. It only hit my forehead but you examined my cheeks, chin, nose, turning my face in all sorts of directions while asking “Are you okay? Are you hurt?” and saying “I'm so sorry” repeatedly. As I'm writing this, the lingering feeling of your warm palms holding my head and the side of my neck still makes my heart race. I didn't think my heart could beat so fast but it did. I think that's when I was sure I liked you more than a one-sided crush. It became a one-sided love for another two years.

There were way too many times my heart fluttered because of you but because this letter is already so long, I will only express my side of three of those times.

I hope this is an event that you remember. It was the day when you, me, and two other friends went to an amusement park. I think of this day as a double date. I can still remember my friend joking about how you and I looked so good together. I don't know if you noticed but I was so shy. She was also joking about how ‘this was a double date’ and because I was being paired up with you like that, I was just feeling over the moon. You didn't even say anything to deny it, you just laughed as I did.

I remember how your friend was convincing you to ride some rollercoasters but you were so afraid and whining. I remember just thinking you were so cute even though the memory is a bit blurry.

After that, because I wanted us to get closer, I said, “I'll ride it with you, it'll be okay.”

You were still skeptical but to me, it looked like you were giving in. I always wonder if it was because of me or if you were annoyed by your friend's continuous convincing. If it was because of me, then, I might regret not telling you my feelings.

Anyway, I rode the rollercoaster with you and I was, evidently, really scared. I was so scared to ride that thing that I was unintentionally screaming with you with my eyes shut. My hand was holding tightly onto the bar that secured us and I couldn't open my eyes at all. Just then, I felt your hand on mine and I could feel the courage to open my eyes. When I finally stopped yelling and opened my eyes, I saw that you still had your eyes squeezed, gripping my hand tightly.

You looked so cute, Seungcheol. If you opened your eyes, you would have seen how brightly I was smiling. Later that night, I remember, I rolled around in my bed and wiggled thinking back on it.

However, whenever I tried to get close with you, I always backed out because even though there are small moments like those I mentioned, there are more times where it seems like you don't like me the way that I like you. I don't know your heart and I know better than anyone that being friends with you would only make my love for you grow deeper.

It's the first time I'm feeling this way for anyone and I don't know what to do. I want to get closer and explicitly tell you that I like you and want you to date me, but at the same time, I don't know which decision is right. We're both still young is the only excuse I can think of, but still, I can't bring myself to tell you how I feel. All I know is that I might be in love with you and you make my heart race.

This is the last thing I'll share in this letter, even though you won't receive it. I just want to tell you my honest feelings that I can't tell you about physically. Yes, I'm being a coward and writing a letter like this.

You know, Seungcheol, you always had this strong aura to you. You can be so cute but you're so masculine too. I like how caring you are, always taking care of your classmates. I admire you for having such a great sense of responsibility. You always remind me when I'm on cleanup duty. Not to mention how charismatic you look when you rap alone at the bus stop. Your deep voice is beautiful when you sing too. I don't think you know how much I know about you. I don't want to seem creepy because these types of things are just things I can't help noticing. I don't even know why I'm writing this down, it just crossed my mind just now. I might as well pour out the rest of my heart to carve you out, right?

There was this one time last year, at the bus stop, when I arrived before you did. Usually, you always came to the bus stop first, and honestly, without you there made me feel uneasy. It made me realize a lot that your presence gave me feelings of reassurance and comfort. Without you there, I was so paranoid that I took out my headphones just in case my headphones would block out the sound of someone coming. I just remember feeling so scared, clenching my cold fists in my lap. The morning was gloomy and it was even raining.

I remember my mind racing, waiting for you to come. However, I was getting even more scared at the fact that I probably wouldn't be able to hear anything so I just wore my headphones again and listened to some music. I was looking down the sidewalk in the direction of my house, wondering if I should ask my father to drive me to school instead, when all of a sudden, you yanked out my headphones.

You were panting, covered in rain. I stood up because I was shocked and nearly wanted to hug you for coming but because we weren't close, I knew it'd be awkward if I thanked you or something. However, what you said to me, has always lingered in my head.

“Hey!” You shouted in a scolding tone, placing your hands on your hips. “What are you doing out here all alone? Why didn't you go back home and get an umbrella, it's raining so much! Plus, you could have waited until I came first until you decided to sit here alone with music blocking your ears! What are you, stupid!?”

At that time, I just stood, frozen. I was wondering why you didn't have an umbrella meanwhile my heart was fluttering. I was wondering why you were scolding me. Were you worried for me? Do you like me? Those questions still float around.

After scolding me, you sighed and apologized.

“No, it's okay,” I said quietly. I couldn't tell you that I was scared because I just didn't know how to say it without making it awkward. If I did say that I was scared since you weren't with me, would things change?

In the end, you were still soaking wet so you called your dad to get you an umbrella. Why was that? Why didn't you just come out with an umbrella?

I have so many questions about so many seemingly minor things you do to me. Are you worried just for me or are you worried for everyone, including all our classmates? Do you find me a source of comfort or were you just too scared to think on the rollercoaster?

Since the questions will never get answered like how this letter will never get mailed, I will conclude negatively, that you don't feel the same way. The main reason I'm writing this letter anyway is that I'm deciding to get over you. I know we're probably going to be stuck in the same high school but I'm going to stop loving you foolishly like this.

Thank you for being my first love. You being yourself made me feel so many different kinds of feelings, so many different emotions. I fell in love for the first time and I'm glad it was with someone like you, even if the ending is bittersweet. After summer break passes, I'll make sure to get over you.

I won't forget you though. I won't forget the way you cared for me. I won't forget the way you are.

You're an unforgettable first love, Seungcheol.

Sincerely,

Y/N

-----------------

© serenityseventeen

6/18/21 - 3:39 pm

a/n: I'm in love with the entire Your Choice album!!! Ready to Love is such a beautiful song, gosh, I'm in love with it!!! Seventeen always has superior B-Sides and ANYONE is my new bias wrecker + The members posted on Instagram today for the first time in forever (except for Seungkwan)!!!

#love & letter: to the thirteen boys I've loved before #seventeen kpop #seventeen #seventeen imagines #svt kpop #svt imagines #seventeen scenarios #svt #scoups svt #svt scoups #scoups seventeen #seventeen scoups #scoups #s.coups seventeen #svt s.coups #s.coups imagines #seventeen s.coups #s.coups #choi seungcheol imagines #seungcheol svt #seungcheol imagines #seventeen seungcheol #choi seungcheol #seungcheol #seungcheol seventeen #scoups scenarios #scoups imagines #s.coups scenarios #에스쿱스 #최승철