#writing these out could be like? helpful bc i could show them to my therapist maybe lmao. i intend on showing her Some things abt how my

[taeraeszn]

can i request zb1 as love languages? thank you so much!

ps i LoVE your writing.. thank you for making my day

zb1 as love languages

hi luv! thank you for requesting <3 tbh i thought this request was very cute when i first saw it and now that i have time to write it, i'm so excited!!!

also thank you for your kind words!! it makes me so happy to know that people love my writings!

warnings: food mentioned but no more from what i saw but pls lmk if there is any!

btw these are all just my thoughts PLS don't attack me if we don't have the same thoughts. these are just what i pulled out from my brain so i apologize if it's similar to what other writers have posted on here.

kim jiwoong - gifts

idk about you guys but i think jiwoong is DEF the guy who'll gift you so many things when you two are dating

like your just heading to a cafe and he's outside waiting with a bouquet in his hands

most of them you don't even ask for, he just offers you them but you can't decline them either since he'll ignore you and hand you them anyways

i also think that for very special occasions like anniversaries and such he'll think carefully of what to give to you then make it the biggest reveal ever

^like maybe a ring or necklace!!

like bro is going all out for you

with every gift he gives, their for a reason, and that's what makes you love him so much <3

yeah i just love jiwoong so much guys <3

rest of the members under the cut!

zhang hao - acts of service

NOBODY CAN DISAGREE WITH ME ON THIS

hao definitely loves giving acts of services that may seem small to others but are actually so thoughtful and considerate

say there's a day where you come home from a long day and the house is literally spotless bc hao offered to clean it, thinking you were mostly likely tired

and this could also be like him helping you with something so you're not struggling alone!!

he's just your little helper and you love it!!

not just that but he'll always talk to you when your feeling down and listen to whatever you have to say and try to make the situatio better

in general, having hao in your life helps everything become so much easier with his presence

and you're always thankful for everything he does <3

sung hanbin - words of affirmation

fun fact this one was the first one i thought of when i saw this request lol

LIKE IT JUST SUITS HIM

and seeing how he originally wanted to be a therapist really shows this

you can just tell he cares about what others have to say and he listens to them with full attention

and same goes for you!! i think everyday he'll remind you of how amazing you are and how much he loves you just because

sometimes he'll even send a text or two reminding you that he loves you deeply

and whenever you come home, he'll remind you that you did well and worked your hardest!!

idk im squealing writing this, ALSO HAPPY EARLY BDAY HANBIN!!!! <3

seok matthew - physical touch

i was pondering between this option and gifts but idk after seeing how affectionate matt is with some of the members i chose this one!

i think matthew just loves hugging you or holding your hand

like in public he will REFUSE to let go of your hand bc he doesn't want to lose you in the crowd

as well, i think matthew would also give you sweet kisses on the forehead and lips, reminding you once again of how much he loves you

idk maybe i'm thinking ahead on this because this is my love language lol

and whenever you two are sitting together he'll just casually rest his hand on your thigh to ensure that he's right there

and though he claims that he wants to be woohyun oppa, he's still your cute little matthew through his physical affection

in the end he's clingy and you love it!!

kim taerae - quality time

i chose this since a lot of the trainees on bp said that taerae would bring his guitar with him and just chill with the trainees

i think he'd also do the same with you!!

like his stay that was supposed to be only twenty minutes ends up becoming 2 hours since he keeps singing songs for you and just wanting to be by your side

and out of the blue he'll just message you and say that he wants to be with you

or he'll just sit on facetime with you for hours on end while studying and not say much, only because he wants you to be with him

you are his favourite person to be with and he will always show that through his quality of time

especially seeing how in the taerae he went to each member's room to see how their doing, idk man that just did things to me

best boy kim taerae

shen ricky - words of affirmation

i was torn between this and acts of service tbh but i think woa suits ricky so well

like hanbin, he'd always remind you of how much you mean to him as a partner and never make you second guess his feelings for you

he's quite literally the perfect boyfriend ever!!

as well, he'll also encourage you to do what you think is right whenever your talking with him and give you great advice for situations

not only that but i believe that ricky would remember small things you mentioned in the past and bring it up again to remind you of how much he actually listens to you

and at night he'd casually slide in a text or voice chat that tells you that he loves you forever and always <3

idk mane ricky is just literal perfection!!

kim gyuvin - physical touch

anyone who says no is lying to themselves

gyuvin LOVES affection especially seeing how he literally adores yujin by touching his face 24/7 and being close with his other members!!

and as your boyfriend, gyuvin would quite literally do the same to you

just always touching your face to kiss you gently

his arms always wrapped around you to keep you near him at all times along with a few sweet hugs

^also he never lets go of your hands

even when your sitting down he'll casually intertwine your fingers together

but you love it sm since it reminds you that gyuvin adores you dearly <3

park gunwook - acts of service

idk about you guys but this just makes total sense to me

as a class president in school, gunwook probably has lots of experience helping others

for you he'd always want to offer a helping hand

you text him that your bored at home and one second later he's at your door with food

or when your sick he takes time off of studying to take care of you despite you telling him that he doesn't have to

even small things such as you saying your thirsty leads to him running to the vending machine to grab you a drink

he goes out of his way to pretty much do everything for you

you always thank him for his help but he plays it off as what every partner should do <3

han yujin - gifts

originally i was thinking another one but after seeing him gift ricky those figurines with the box and matthew with the protein bars, i had to choose this

he genuinely thought out those gifts well which makes me :"")

for you, he'd consider everything he gives you carefully, thinking of what you've been wanting and telling him about

and for each birthday of yours, your always surprised at how thought out each gift is

and the times when you express wanting an item, he goes out to buy it for you right away, packing it nicely for you

i also think his gifts would have a cute note on it!!

he always prioritizes you and rejects your offers to buy him something

i know yujin is still very young so i think this suits him very well

#zb1 #zerobase1 #zerobaseone #zb1 fluff #zb1 scenarios #zb1 drabbles #zb1 reactions #zb1 x reader #zb1 as #park gunwook #kim jiwoong #zhang hao #sung hanbin #seok matthew #kim taerae #kim gyuvin #han yujin #shen ricky

[losergaymothman]

ALL of my Criminal Minds Headcanons:

(I watched the entirety of criminals minds for the first time (except season 16 bc it’s ASS), starting in May and ending in September, and I wrote all of these during that period. enjoy!!) SEMI-UNEDITED U HAVE BEEN WARNED.

- I think that Reid would come out to the whole team around late season 4. He’d tell them that he’s trans first, since it’s the scarier one, and then hit them with the bisexual one a couple days later when he tells them about his boyfriend of the time. They’re all very supportive, of course, especially since half the team is queer themselves (Emily = lesbian, JJ = aroace spec/queer, Penelope = genderqueer/pan). It’s also around this time where he becomes more open with all of the team, so he often is able to talk about his depression, anxiety, ptsd and autism/adhd with them, especially since most of them struggle with the same things. He doesn’t like talking about his addiction issues, though, and usually leaves that for his therapist and Narcotics Anonymous group.

[i actually ended up writing a fic related to this, which you can find here:

- this is canon, but can we fucking talk about how Gideon’s son Stephen and Spencer know each other somehow?? like when Gideon dies, Stephen and Spencer HUG. Like they def connected with e/o at some point AND ITS NEVER EXPANDED ON.

Hotch: straight, cis

Morgan: straight, cis

Spencer: demi-romantic (maybe gray romantic), bisexual, trans ftm, autissy/adhd, OCS

Emily: lesbian, cis, bipolar

JJ: lesbian, I think

Penelope: pan, genderqueer (or trans fem. I like both headcanons). Auadhd.

Luke: bisexual, trans ftm (or cis, I don’t care), adhd, PTSD.

- Throughout season 1-2, Spencer had a few on and off relationships with guys and girls, but nothing really sticks until a guy he meets mid to late season 3. After dating for quite a while, this is the boyfriend that Reid shows everyone. Eventually they break up because the boyfriend has to move away because of a job, which then opens everything up for Maeve, and then later the boyfriend and Spencer reunite and become a thing again. Idk how it’d fully work out yet bc I’m only mid season six, so I’ll come back to this when I’ve watched more.

- ^^boyfriend could possibly be Ethan

- Spencer is sensitive to smells while Emily is sensitive to lights

- JJ + Hotch go to the park every week with Jack and Henry

- Penelope hangs up when Reid starts rambling and when he calls back he makes her apologize

- Emily tries to get Hotch get a cat but Hotch is terrified of Sergio

- Reid writes letters to Elle sometimes, but she never writes back :((

- Hotch and Rossi went to Bingo together

- Spencer writes letters to Alex everyday AND SHE ACTUALLY RESPONDS. they send each other obscure crosswords for the other to complete, and they keep in contact as much as possible.

- Hotch is very overprotective (this is fucking canon)

- Penelope got Derek into Taylor swift but he won’t admit it. JJ and Derek blast Taylor swift in the car together and Derek doesn’t let her tell ANYONE

- JJ is always cold and Emily gives her her sweater

- Reid babysits Henry all the time and Henry brags about him to his friends. Reid ended up meeting Henry’s friends when he attended one of Henry’s friend birthday parties to supervise and he was the main attraction.

- Reid lost Henry babysitting once. They were in a museum and Reid almost had a panic attack. Reid made Henry hold his hand whenever they were out in a big, public place after that.

- Elle was the first person Spencer ever came out to as trans (and then she left)

- Reid is a cuddly drunk (though after Tobias Hankel, his sobriety in all forms becomes very important to him, so it’s super super rare for him to drink at all. He usually only does it bc of peer pressure + to be seen as normal)

- Spencer gets overstimulated a lot and Morgan brings stim toys in his pocket to help him. Penelope’s cave is also like a sensory haven, and Spencer is welcome in there any time if things become too much.

- additionally, Spencer’s sensory issues become worse when he isn’t sleeping well (he’s so me core), and so if this becomes a problem, the couch in Hotch’s office is always up for grabs if Spencer needs it. Morgan’s office too, which he uses more often purely bc he doesn’t want to bug Hotch and Morgan is like a brother to him, so it’s fine annoying him all he wants.

- “I don’t have red flags. I have fun facts.”

- Reid turns into a fucking goofball when around Garcia and Morgan

- Garcia + Emily likes to buy Reid funky socks they find (he has two whole drawers dedicated to his socks)

- Spencer is the first to comment whenever one of the girls gets a new hair cut. They love it.

- Whenever Spencer wants to talk about nerdy things, he talks to Emily bc she’s usually genuinely interested in it

- Spencer has doctor who marathons with Penelope w cosplay and themed food! And when Luke joins the team, he joins them too.

- Spencer goes to JJ’s + Will whenever he feels lonely, and will often randomly call members of the team (usually JJ, Emily, or Penelope) if he feels like he needs to talk to someone.

- Spencer was scared of Hotch + Morgan when he first joined the BAU.

- [EARLY SEASONS] Derek is usually the one who seeks out Spencer—not bc Spencer doesn’t want to be around Derek, but bc Spencer doesn’t want to feel like a burden if he asks to hang out. In the later seasons, they do it mutually

- Spencer doesn’t mind the team calling him kid or treating him like a kid bc his parents never treated him as one as a child, so it’s nice.

- Spencer had to put medical grade insoles into his converse after he got shot in the knee bc wearing hard ass converse without them hurt like a bitch

- Season 15 Episode 4, the Mack Meet-Cute. Still happens in my silly Ralvez timeline, but they end up just being really good friends. When Mack asks him if this was some long set up, he’s like “uh, no um, you’re good there. I have a boyfriend actually.” and she’s like “oh, well, sorry. I didn’t know you were gay.” and he’s like “uh, I’m bi actually, but uh, wasn’t expecting you to know.” And then they start this robin + Steve thing.

- Spencer really likes Luke’s grey hairs. The first time he noticed them, he full stopped, staring and then kissed Luke senseless.

this is me promoting my fics again. I wrote a Ralvez fic and you should read it :))

- Spencer going on a rant about Galelio and the Church when a local police said that the church is on the side of the people or something. Does the same thing whenever someone brings up astrology: “did you know astrology isn’t based on any scientific facts? To be a scientific practice, it needs to go through rigorous testing and be able to adapt and change to new discoveries, but astrology hasn’t changed in 2000 years—“

- Spencer is amunocompromised after the anthrax incident, which he often forgets about. He will get a cold, and he’ll be like “meh it’s just a cold whateves”, go to work and then be like “this is absolutely the worst idea I’ve ever had wtf”

- Spencer often forgets he’s disabled. He’ll be doing smth, and then his disability will disable him and he’ll be like “oh yeah, forgot that was a thing”. Ie/ forgets he’s autistic until he has a shutdown in the middle of the workday, forgets he has knee problems until he has a flare up and can’t walk up stairs w/o his brace.

- In the first few years of his time at the BAU (age 22-25, two years before season 1-season 2), Derek always made fun of Spencer for not “getting some” or “going on any dates”, which annoyed Spencer to no end, and also hurt him a lot since Derek just assumed he was that unloveable/undesirable. In actuality, Spencer had gotten out of a really rough break up with Ethan right before he entered the BAU, and wasn’t looking for anything solid or long term, especially since he’s Demi-romantic, and then proceeded to get all messed up with Dilaudid. It wasn’t until years later when the two were talking about it, after Spencer had came out, that Spencer told Derek this and Derek felt awful.

- Spencer can’t eat fish anymore bc of Tobias Hankel burning it when he was kidnappped. The smell also makes him nauseous, doubled up with his sensitivity to smells, it’s awful for him. After some time, it’s a lot easier to bear when ppl around him are eating it, but it still takes him back there if he’s especially vulnerable. The team knows about this, whether it’s bc he told them or bc they picked up on it, so they avoid eating fish around him and they make sure to get him food that isn’t fish.

- Spencer can’t do INAPPROPRIATE THINGS on his knees bc it hurts too much, but still insists anyways and Luke has to be like “dude, there r other ways to do this” until Spencer concedes

- Garcia is usually the only privy to Spencer’s dating life. Well, he doesn’t have much of one, but when he dOES, she’s privy to it. It just happens when you’re one of the few queer and neurodivergent and some kind of aroace spec ppl on the team. Spencer doesn’t really share much about his dating life with the rest of the team, so Garcia is very proud of the fact that spencer chooses to confide in her and treasures it with the upmost honour. It’s one of the few things she can keep a secret about, mainly bc of how important it is to spencer. She is the first one to know when he starts seeing someone, and the person he texts to indulge in ice cream with when they break up (specifically with OC love interest). The only time this doesn’t happen is when Spencer starts seeing Luke, mainly bc Spencer is scared of how she’d react. When spencer does end up telling her, she’s deeply sorry and she cries and Spencer’s like it’s okay! It’s okay! It’s not that bad! And she’s like no it’s not okay! And they have a doctor who marathon the three of them to make up for it, where Penelope lightly shovel talks luke, but mostly apologises for how she treated him.

- Garcia listens to Electronic Music, Emily listens to Dubstep

- Garcia + Hotch have a Father/Daughter relationship

#criminal minds #Spencer Reid #autism #adhd #luke alvez #aaron hotchner #jason gideon #jennifer jareau #emily prentiss #derek morgan #penelope garcia #gay #they’re gayyyh #headcanons #disability #found family #david rossi

[melodythebunny]

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆WELCOME to my dreamscape!⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

(also known as my blog)

｡ﾟ..｡(っ ᐛ )っ 𝖍𝖎

i'm Melody! You can call me Mel if you want. o₍⑅ᐢ..ᐢ₎

-Please read through this before interacting!-

I draw....like...ALOT. No seriously! I can fill up an entire notebook in a short time period. both traditional and digital art...though I tend to have my time to post my digital works.

I also write and love LOVE LOVE! To read. Pretty much a book worm also.

I have a sweet tooth and occasionally I love eating savoury foods.

𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼 𓋼 𖤣𖥧 𓋼𓍊

My hyperfixtations can be and not limit to:

Wordgirl, Eddsworld, Adventure Time, BATIM, Cuphead, DHMIS, bee and puppycat, and undertale/deltarune

I like to make ocs. Be for a fandom or original work! („• ֊ •„)੭

Speaking of original works...

Im hoping to turn one of my ideas into an animated series someday!

i really post most of my original content on my side blog @the-mis-adventurers (it means alot to me if you do look at my original work) ( ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ഒ

𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼𖡼𖤣𖥧𖡼𓋼𖤣𖥧𓋼𓍊

(ˊ•͈ ◡ •͈ˋ) is okay to ask/do

-art commissions! Only if you want and have the money. Message me about commissions.

-art trades (depends on how busy I am tho)

-collabs/crossovers yes plz!

-rp (also long as it isn't that creepy stuff or adult rps like NSFW, that stuff makes me uncomfortable)

-Art requests are for FRIENDS only. Bc I trust that they will repsect my limits u-u (don't friend me just so you can Free art. (•ˋ _ ˊ•) I AM A PERSON WITH FEELINGS TOO!)

-share headcanons, rant about each others ocs

-tone tags helps with jokes so no one gets confused on anything

❌❌❌ Things I DONT LIKE/accept or have limits with

-venting (venting is OK as long as we KNOW eachother. And we both feel comfortable venting to each it other, keeping in mind that neither of us are professionals/therapist and everyone's experiences are different)

-NSFW, fetishes (this include jokes, asking for me to talk and draw it, rping that, showing any of that to me. ILL BLOCK YOU WITHOUT SECOND THOUGHTS)

-hate talk/speech

-please don't harrass me for art

-trying to bring drama. (I got enough drama to deal with irl )

-Pro shipping and incest (EDIT: including selfcest. Its confusing to me and I don't get it)

keep in mind that if I feel uncomfortable its in my right to block you.

shipsss. Yeah I have ships... (No hate. I understand some of these are considered mid by the vast majority but idc/pos) and I'll update the list over time bc I'm always joining new fandoms.

Experimental cheese (two brains x oc)

star crossed cheese (two brains/Steven x oc)

Bigslie ( Mr. Big x Leslie)

Quesibrent

Plasmarope

whatever the ship between the butcher and dupey is called

tobecky

Whatever the ship between violet and scoops is called

Starco (yeah ik it's mid but I could have written them better)

Jantom (aka the ship between Janna and Tom.)

cherry oreos (if you know you know)

Cherry soda (same with this one)

Dancing portraits

Randy x Theresa (Rc9gn)

edd x coco

Edd x honey(the ship has grown on me)

Eduardo x laurel (depends on the fanon version of they're exes or not)

Eduardo x Claire

(Ik almost nothing about My hero academia but I have two ships) dabi x miruko and izuocha

fluttercord. (I may have fallen out of mlp but this is my forever otp for that fandom)

Sonamy

Silvaze

Tailsmo

Knuckles x Rouge

cherry pie (bob x oc)

Sugar crash (Kevin x oc)

pastel gothic (streber x oc)

deadly love (patty x friend's oc)

inner reflections (Dexter x friend's oc)

Some cool friends/mutuals to check out!

@crazywolf85 @wordgirl-reboot-eva @nyxcharliechaos @animation-is-my-jam @ninjastormhawkkat @drtwobrains @drtwobrainsstuff @professor-boxleitner @oddedd @kagurafernandes @lartmacabre

@earth-420-69. @liloskull343 @pantakichi @bloodthirstypigeon @kadiwright @notsosw3et @peanutbutter-doodles @fluffytimearts @hibiscus-candy @soupsy-daisy @misscreativity94

@luckykaix @spaaceeboyy @lauritanaomystery @sfcabanasstarcgs

Andd A BUNCH of other cool peeps too! 😊

#Mod speaks #mod posts #Introduction post #pinned post #my art #Art #artists on tumblr #Ships #6/13/23: I've updated it to include ships I like :333

[broomsticks]

Heyy! I was wondering, can you help me out with some drarry recs? I read a few drarry fics YEARS ago and honestly don't remember them at all, and the past few years, I've only read marauders era fics. I want to explore drarry a bit, but in a lot of the fics i try out the pairing seems kinda illogical. Yk like the fic just pushes them together bc it's a drarry fic but it doesn't really make sense beyond that. Maybe I've just had bad luck. But that's why i wanted to ask whether you have any recs that could get me into the pairing again. I think i mostly want canonish stuff (no crazy AUs), and lengthwise im alright with whatever, but a longfic would be nice!!

so first off - thank you for thinking of me hahaha, but I'm not the best person to ask because I don't read a ton of Drarry! (I say that and it's my third most bookmarked ship, behind Wolfstar and Jily.) it's not a ship I'm particularly wild about either, for similarrrr reasons to you it sounds like (not a huge fan of postwar redemption arc and if I'm going to read that I usually would rather read lightning gen femslash, and most of the AUs tend to read sorta 'any two guys' to me), but I have read a bunch I enjoyed and I do have a couple faves:

Listening for the Angels by @hawksquill // 12k, M

The trials are over. Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy are in Azkaban, the Ministry has seized Malfoy Manor, and Draco is banished to live among Muggles. His exile brings Draco more than he ever bargained for: a Squib therapist, Muggle friends, a new career, and a mysterious pen pal who helps him come to terms with what it means to grow, heal, and make amends.

lmao I know I just said postwar redemption not my jam blah blah, but the writing of this one is just lovely. it's Draco-centric and more pre-slash gen than relationshippy, but the character growth is so well done.

.

What We Pretend We Can't See by @gyzym // 131k, M

Seven years out from the war, Harry learns the hard truth of old history: it’s never quite as far behind you as you thought.

the plot. the relationships. the conflict. the humanity. I remember this one totally sweeping me away! gyzym also wrote one of my favorite aziraphale/crowleys (build me a city, call it jerusalem, 3.5k, T), pre-show/dated 2012, give this a try if you'd like a quick taste of their writing, it's what motivated me to start reading that Drarry longfic!

.

I found the sentient house magic intriguing in this one:

The Claiming of Grimmauld Place by bixgirl1 // 75k, E

When Grimmauld Place begins fighting against Harry’s ownership of it, he decides he needs help to train the historic home — but little does he expect that it’ll be Malfoy who’s most suitable for the challenge. However, as Malfoy and Harry get closer, Harry comes to understand that expectations aren’t always the best path by which to guide his heart — and in the process learns just what is needed to make a house a home.

I will say this ship has a lot of a) magical theory, particularly sentient house magic, b) auror partner casefics, and c) mysterious medical maladies, so if that's something that interests you I can rec a couple more!

.

last but not least I know you said no crazy AUs, but you did also say Wolfstar, and I was just rereading this to rec it elsewhere: here's an online romance Drarry AU with HIV+ Remus and Wolfstar raising Harry. Angst, smut, fluff, family... this fic is lovely.

Dragons Don't Know Paradise by @teacup-tai // 51k, E

In 2004, when Remus spends two scary weeks in the ITU due to complications of pneumonia and his HIV condition, Sirius walks around the house like a ghost and Harry finds comfort and strength in Draco through a chat in an online LGBT forum. Harry falls for him, but Draco has a lot of secrets and, before long, will need to come clean—even if he believes that no one is able to understand a dragon. This is a story about falling in love online and about facing the reality of death, but above all, this is a story about hope, finding love and acceptance. (Non-magical / bookshop AU, written for the 25 days of Drarry 2020)

a couple more recs here for Wolfstar + Drarry!

#drarry #my fic recs #hp fics #hope these were to your taste anon! #stabbing in the dark here hahahaha

[atlasofthestaars]

another amazing chapter!! i would honestly love a movie marathon with them <3 and i love the focus on johnny this time, he's really just a guy with a good heart! bringing reader a blanket and a pillow :((( liu kang at the end there ....... hes so in love with the reader wtf ?!#$??!"? and bi han showing he cares in the most hostile way possible 😭😭😭 bxnsnsnd the only reason i dont want mileena as a love interest is bc i really wanted to see how you would explore her and tanyas dynamic :") kitana as a love interest tho..... thats wife 🤭 and ik this is getting long, but i have a couple questions; do you have an outline for the whole story prepared or is it being changed as you go? since you said adding shang tsung as a love interest would alter the story a bit? and (if it spoils anything, dont worry about answering!) how would you plan on ending it since reader's got a reverse harem going on? do you plan on giving reader an endgame with someone? again, sorry this got a bit long!

(p.s. can i be ☄️ anon? i plan on sticking around for the whole story hehe expect me after every chapter bcus ive subscribed to it on ao3 🫡)

Thank you so much! A movie marathon would be wonderful with the champion squad, but I can imagine how chaotic the emotional whiplash it could get if they all got to chose movies. Like imagine going from a lighthearted rom com to like??? A dark and gritty action movie LMAO I enjoyed writing for Johnny this time around, but I do worry I made him a bit (?) Out of character for his characrer progression, but I'm glad you enjoyed him nevertheless aha ^^ I did really like writing him as a dude who just means well, since he really just is that! Liu Kang is definitely feeling SOMETHING for the reader HAHA Mr. Fire God catching feels? Or is he just really nice 👀? Bi-Han struggles with showing he cares, but he really does. If only there was a therapist character to help him though HAHA Oh I definitely get why you'd want that! Mileena and Tanya's dynamic was interesting for me in this game, so I will have fun portraying that if she doesn't get voted in. If she does, uh, I'll definitely have to figure out what to do LMAOO I love Kitana 🙏 She's my fave female chara and my main in Mk1 !!

I don't mind it being ling at all, I love reading stuff like this and being able to interact with you all!! I don't know many people in my personal life who are willing to hear me obsess over Mortal Kombat like this HAHA

I do have a rough outline of the general story! As well as more defined plot points I like to hit within the arcs of the story. For example, I consider the part of the story we're in to be like the training/pre Outworld arc?? And I have certain moments with characters I want to hit before we move on with the plot! Of course, I am a very impulsive person so I leave it open and easy to change if needed. Events that happen later also tend to change to better fit the flow of the story, but I generally know the direction I want to head with everything.

I plan on giving every love interest an ending (think like endings in mortal kombat for each character!) So ideally I'd like to give each character their own unique ending/epilogue with the reader! People on AO3 also have requested a harem ending which I am open to making, but can't gaurentee due to characters like Shang Tsung. I mighttt make one without certain characters depending on how it all ends, one with everyone, or not one at all! I don't want to stress too much over that right now so that one is still up in the air whether I'll do it or not (especially since we've like, barely started ahaha)

And you can be ☄anon!! I'm happy to hear I have your support on this journey <3 and ty for supporting me there too! I love to see all the feedback from everyone, so I will happily await any comments you make! Thank you again for your kind words and support!

[amysterywrappedinanenigma]

Mysterious Benedict Society season 2 episode 5 liveblog!

 I don’t usually liveblog but the energy needed to go somewhere. There were a couple scenes I completely forgot to write things down during, oops. This is vaguely separated by scene. Vaguely. Spoilers below the cut.

- Sticky :( :( :( don’t feel bad it could have happened to anyone :(

- See at least someone knows we don’t trust the cops.

- THE WAY I ABSOLUTELY SCREAMED OUT LOUD. MARTINAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

- I screamed when it went to the court and screamed LOUDER when it showed her.

- Ummm how dare you keep her on the bench, don’t you know who she is 😡

- Her little smile when she picks up the phone and hears Kate 🥺🥺🥺 She looks so hopeful and happy 🥺🥺 Also I love her new hair!!!

- THE SCREAM I SCRUMPT ONCE AGAIN. MY FAVORITE WOMAN IN STEM I LOVE HWR SO MUCH.

- The way seeing both Martina and Garrison for the first time this season knocked me out, it’s like I was hit by 2 trucks in less than 45 seconds of television but in a positive way.

- We paused at the 3:32 timestamp just to freak out about Dr Garrison and Martina. We’ve been paused talking about them for 20 minutes, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

- YEAH THERES MORE THAN ONE ARMCHAIR NEUROSCIENTIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Except this one actually has a degree ❤️❤️❤️

- Milligan recognizing the element!!! We love his chemist background being remembered!!

- “Split the party” awwww Milligan

- [affronted] “I did the research” I adore her she’s an icon she can do no wrong ❤️

- “Optimal size to stuff down your windpipe” Flashback to Constance’s “she will be weak from lack of sunlight, easy to neutralize” from last season. Let’s see how it goes in practice. No sunlight in a weird basement cave.

- Ooh is Garrison gonna end up coming to help with the happiness side effects? She mentioned something about there being dangerous side effects to the happiness thing, so maybe.

- Ma’am what’s in the jars. Are you making your own candles. Have you taken up jam making? Are they organs?

- Oh she’s. So close to a breakdown

- Lgbt stands for Let Garrison Bite Throats

- It makes sense that the tetherball team was staked out in Stonetown in the car that we saw, since Garrison was after Constance specifically and could easily have found out that she was living at the Benedict house. She wouldn’t have even needed to know about the reunion

- Oh she’s SO stressed

- “I eat bears” Constance ily

- She built the brain sweeper better on her own in her little basement with probably limited supplies and very little help!!!! She’s amazing!!!! Good for her!!! I feel like that’s supposed to be threatening but science crimes are okay when she does them ❤️

- She’s pathetic (affectionate)

- His. Shirt. Is. The. Stupidest. Thing. I’ve. Ever. Seen. The buttons and then the zipper????? The weird sleeves??? And patterns? Hatred. Need to bully him.

- “I’ve been expecting you” I hate him. How many hours/days was he forcing the chef to stay in that room waiting for number two to come through the doors 

- Manipulation food AGAIN.

- Ew that bite he took made my skin crawl.

- I have strong feelings on “Nicholas is happy now. Isn’t that all that matters?” and “I’m sorry that bothers you” and “I think my brother is smart enough to decide that for himself” but that’s for another time

- “I’m not hungry” AAAAAAA

- You’re not allowed to say she’s in a great deal of pain, you’re not a therapist, you’re probably not even a real doctor

- OHHHHHHHH NARCOLEPSY MENTION OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

- Garrison and curtain are both just barely hanging on!!!!!!!!! (But when she does it it’s iconic and relatable actually)

- Kate and Martina reunion time!!!!!!!!!!!!

- Martina ily you deserve so much more success than the world has given you. 😞 no college and not enough tetherball I feel bad for her

- Good for you!!!! Worst mistake you ever made!!!!!!!!!!! Absolutely roast curtain bc he deserves it!!!!!!!

- “Subconsciously looking for confrontation” what a queen.

- “If they can’t appreciate what I bring, maybe they don’t get a van” she sounds SO petty and she absolutely knows it

- Oh that’s the pie guy right?? 

- What the fuck uhhhh I don’t like the kid also doing it.

- “Spread the joy of our work from person to person, village to villaige…. no one will be left out of our loving, loving family” That’s giving forced religion in a really really gross way.

- J&J really just ZOOOOOOOMED in and I loved it. Favorite weirdos.

- Mmhmm sure you’re just undercover Mr B. Uh huh.

- Number two’s fake smile at curtain, please let her attack him.

- The fact that Curtain hasn’t noticed that THIS many people have gone missing is very telling

- “An endless chasm of sheer terror” “Or a void, utter nothingness” “Ohhh” how does my love for them just continue to grow each episode. J&J stan blog.

- All the homies hate Marlon

- Oh touching your neck, Marlon?? Hmmm wonder what THAT COULD MEAN? 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

- “Any financial stress- WHICH THERE IS NONE”

- “Being out from under that man’s oppressive thumb is priceless” yeah it is, go queen

- Pay your mercenaries when you get a chance tho

- Martina saying comrade lmaooooo

- “The asset????” “🙄yes🙄the🙄asset🙄”

- “I guess it’s a good point” yes agree with your girlfriend Kate

- Awwww Sticky Kate lil shoulder bump

- “You say fail, I hear try again.” Good job positive thinking, whisperer! I feel like you could give Garrison some therapy maybe. She’s 3 seconds away from a breakdown at any given point (and I love her for it obviously), she’s so stressed

- I’ll say it again, science crimes are okay when she does them actually

- Old fashioned way????? You’re very unhinged but I support it

- Sticky no we don’t go to the cops

- Therapy time!!!!!!!! Rorschach???

- Oh not Rorschach

- Being absolutely ROASTED by Constance

- “FEMALE CHILD” I’m crying

- “My life is fine!!” Yeah say it again maybe you’ll believe yourself next time

- “You have no idea what you’re talking about” hurt my heart, she sounded like she was about to cry

- Dr Garrison I love you so much get some therapy, and some grant funding

- CONSTANCE. SHES ALREADY STRESSED ENOUGH

- Miss Perumal gets a first name!!!!!!!!

- OOP, GREYS

- Not the clothes not the clothes not the clothes.

- “They almost always are” when talking about her plans, why did that hurt me

- Kidnap the kidnapper!!!!!!!

- Number two have you escaped a cult before because it’s really sounding like it.

- Oh nooooooooo. :) I’m so sad that it happened to Marlon…… I definitely didn’t want to cheer……. :) And haven’t been hoping for this for 2 episodes…….. :) That’s terribleeeeee………….. :) :) :)

- It’s what he deserves

- Can the alpaca eat him

- THEM WALKING IN TO DR GARRISON’s SOBBING ECHOING THROUGH THE HALLS

- This is straddling the line between pep talk and psychological warfare, love you Constance, get her to improve her life by any means necessary

- Can one single person please wholeheartedly support Garrison? I think it would do wonders for her mental health and well-being

- Aww the headdesk, she’s having a real bad day

- “I am PERFECTLY FINE” hm, relatable

I’m mad the episode was less than 30 minutes 😡😡😡😡😡 but it’s been my favorite episode so far! 

#mbs #mbs spoilers #mbs s2 spoilers #mbs liveblog #2.5 #blank expression #mysterious benedict society #tmbs

[izzy-b-hands]

Genuinely want to go scream in the woods.

Freelancing job opportunity had tech issues and said I could navigate away from the assessment screen to check their emails for help. That was a lie, and they cut my test early as a result before I could even fix the fucking tech issue. I now cannot tell if they will still consider me, and they’ve not replied to my tech help ticket explaining what happened.

The online radio job lied and claimed a base pay that doesn’t exist at all. I’m considering it still only bc I would like a foot in the door in that area of things, and there’s commission pay for the advertisers that would be involved, but I’d have to help find leads. But it would be money, maybe.

And this tumblr shit. and ongoing fandom shit that I know shouldn’t bug me, but I have my own experiences with it that to me, show there’s such a-nope. Not gonna type it out bc that’s just gonna get me angry anons! And I don’t want any more! Pls and thanks! But at the same time, this is my fucking blog, I should feel safe to post an untagged, in theory difficult to stumble upon then, personal opinion about harassment I’ve received since like fucking late spring/early summer of last year.

And I know everyone reading this is gonna be like ‘shut the fuck up and stop vagueing abt it’ I WOULD LOVE TO BUT I DON’T FEEL SAFE ENOUGH ON MY OWN BLOG TO DO SO, I HATE THIS ALSO, SORRY FOR SHOUTING BUT I’M INCREDIBLY FUCKING FRUSTRATED AND FEEL VERY ALONE IN THIS PARTICULAR ISSUE SO...EMOTIONS!

Like. I’m trying. At everything. To find a job and do well for them, to try and build bridges in the fandoms I’m in rn so that I can maybe make new friends and we can enjoy talking abt the characters together and bounce ideas for fic/art/etc off each other!!

And none of it works! Am I the inefficient factor here, or is it a combination of me and everything else? Who knows?

Not me, apparently, or I’d be doing better by now I think.

I’m gonna sit for a minute and figure out if I dare try to write/finish a WIP rn or if I should just force myself to take a nap, even tho I only woke up by noonish thanks to a PTSD Moment last night (the guy shouting was probably outside, but he sounded Inside, and I swore I heard him fumble with our doorknob. In related news, when I am employed again, I’m buying a good solid metal bat to have in my room. Sorry to my therapist, but if she isn’t going to help me address this better, then I guess I’m doing this so I at least feel like I’ll have Tried to survive if anything fucked up happens lmaoooo.)

#text post #long post #I can't be arsed to put this on the vent blog bc a huge part of the issue for me rn is not feeling seen or heard #and this will be my only post abt it today so there's that as reassurance for y'all lmaooo #I'm so close to a more stable life again I just need to Achieve a few things here and I can't fucking manage it #and I feel like such a waste of space and energy and flesh for it #anyway I have the rizzy fic nearly done so I should just redo the epilogue and finish it probably #I can keep them safe and happy at least #not that I'm not happy bc like overall i am bc i'm happy to be in ct and moving and trying to make progress in life #i would just feel a lot better if the progress was...progressing more dsklfjdskajfdaslj #but circular shit that's on me to figure out and back here we are again!!!!

[thebestpersonherelovesbucky]

Just venting

I’m not doing so well. I sort of feel like I’ve suddenly plunged back into an emotional downward spiral. I haven’t felt like this in months. but I think I know what’s really behind it.

My obgyn (she’s not the culprit lol) put me on the pill. Every time I’ve tried using it in the past, it’s sent my emotions into chaotic turmoil. This particular one, my doc said, isn’t known to having much of an effect on moods and also won’t interfere with my current med-cocktail. The reason I’m taking it in the first place is because I won’t stop bleeding, even after having surgery to fix the problem. 

After about three weeks of not bleeding (after continuously bleeding for at least three weeks, and HEAVY) I started bleeding a week and a half ago in a relatively normal way (other than it continuing for more than a week). Made me think it was the first sorta typical period I’ve had in over a year. Then Sunday, it was like the elevator scene in The Shining. This past week alone, I’ve gone through two boxes of overnight pads. Cramps are horrendous. Not to mention how tired and weak and unfocused and achy (more achy than usual) I feel all the time. 

This actually started in early 2021 (and, yes, I did speak to my old doctor then and we thought we fixed it but...)

And now I’m so depressed and down and gloomy. On the verge of tears all the time. Unable to concentrate. Bleeding and bleeding and bleeding, worrying that I might start leaking while out in public (which has happened) or stain the carpet, couch, bed.

And then I made the mistake of looking at reviews of my books, and even though there’re plenty of good things said about them, there’s those that aren’t and we all know how the negative sticks a lot more than the positives. 

I’m trying extremely hard to not only remember that I can’t please everyone but also how this could be a way to improve. While commentary such as “total waste of money” and “I wanted to throw it across the room I hated it so much” and “it feels like fourteen-year-old girls wrote this” (which is pretty offensive, actually) don’t help in the slightest, other critiques might. Things like “this was repeated so often that it was annoying” or “there’s too much telling and not enough showing” can be very helpful. Like, oh, okay, I can see why you didn’t like it because of that, I’ll keep that in the back of my mind and hopefully do better next time. 

On top of that, I’ve been having so much trouble actually writing and seeing that certainly didn’t help because now I feel like I shouldn’t even bother when rationally I know that’s stupid and it doesn’t matter if some people don’t like it and i think a lot of this reaction comes from the change in my moods bc i’m on the pill and it’s not even working.

It’s not even working.

Which means the next step might be a hysterectomy, and even though there’s barely even the slightest chance that we might have another baby, I still want to so badly. So badly that it hurts. I often dream about having another child. My dreams are usually all sorts of crazy, these dreams are perfectly normal. Like freaking WandaVision without the magic. Just a little world of my own while I sleep and when I wake all I want to do is cry. For ten years people kept saying “Oh, you have plenty of time, don’t worry!” when I’d talk about this (only with my husband, sisters, mom, and therapist) and here I am. Out of time. 

And I know this all sounds incredibly selfish. I have two beautiful children and I feel so blessed that I do and they mean the world to me. It’s just that three was the number always in my head. The day after my youngest was born I was already talking about planning for another. Now there’s this ache burrowed deep in my chest that just won’t go away. 

Anyway. I’m just venting to the void. 

#my stuff #personal #negative #stfubucks #no one cares #god i'm just so sad #and i miss writing so badly #it's like there's a part of me missing #i'm so sick of being SICK all the time #ugh idek #just ignore me #menstruation #blood mention #long post

[lyricdissonance]

i warned you there’d be weird introspective shit (aka a lengthy summary of the past month of my life for anyone who wants to know bc i’m trying to be more honest and open about my feelings, i don’t know how to tag this but if medical and death discussion would bother you i recommend skipping this. there’s a happy ending though)

on october 22nd, i went to see a band that means a lot to me at a concert i’d been looking forward to for the better part of the past year. the lead singer almost died of a heart attack that night.

i won’t be naming the band in this post, out of not wanting it to show up in some innocent person’s search, but if you really need to know you can dig up my music blog and scroll down. meanwhile i think i can get everything across just fine without names.

i went from the soaring highs of concert adrenaline, to the confusion of knowing something had gone wrong but not knowing what, to the most uncertain and unsettled week of my life as i waited for any kind of update or explanation, to the sudden combination of good news (that he was alive and recovering) and bad news (that what happened had been far more serious than i’d imagined) that left me physically shaking. i was stuck with this huge amount of empathy that my autistic self didn’t know how to process, mental images of both things i saw and things i only read that wouldn’t leave my head, and regret that i hadn’t recognized the signs from behind the barricades and done something, as if there was anything i could have done.

the next three weeks were... an experience. i got constant random waves of anxiety, guilt, and sadness. all my friends and family wanted to know everything about the big vacation i’d just been on, and it hurt to feel like i couldn’t tell them the truth that not everything during it had been beautiful. i started to think every tiny twinge of pain or fatigue in my body was a sign that my own heart was giving out, making me almost have a panic attack at work one day over the fear that i was about to drop dead and my coworkers wouldn’t find me until it was far too late. i didn’t understand why this was affecting me so much: if he survived, then what did i have to worry about? i told myself i was overreacting, making a fool of myself. get a hold of yourself, no one cares about some weird band you like and some weird singer you have a crush on. what kind of obsessive parasocial shit is this?

it took many conversations with both therapist and friends before i could try to be kind to myself and acknowledge the struggle i was having. even now, it’s still a challenge: i kept stopping in the process of writing this post to think “why even say this when all the worst is over?” but i think if i’m going to respect myself and my emotional struggles i have to be open about them when i can be, stop convincing myself that no one cares what i think or what i have to say, let other people know it’s okay if your feelings are huge and complicated and too much to contain, that you’re not alone.

the worst of my feelings are finally fading now. the band let us know he was finally home from the hospital a day short of four weeks after the show. not just home, but apparently improving at a remarkable rate too. it was the first time in those four weeks that i found myself feeling hope again. i’ve said it before but in hindsight the whole past month feels like a dream, a total blur of emotion that seemed to last both a day and a year. all because i loved a band’s music so much that i flew across an ocean to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. all because i loved a band’s music so much that i couldn’t stand the thought of losing them.

my therapist asked me last week if i thought i’d learned anything from this experience. i’m still not sure what i’d answer her. but i learned that life is unpredictable, i learned that asking for help is worth it, i learned that there’s more love in my heart than i know how to handle sometimes, i learned that we’re all stronger than we think we are. and because i don’t know how else to end this, i ended up telling the band over instagram dm about the tattoo i got in their honor before i left norway, when i was still lost in doubts begging the universe to make sure he was okay. i think a part of me thought it would be a good luck charm. it’s based on some of their lyrics, it’s not much but it’s a small, simple drawing of a crescent moon over a rooftop. i don’t know for sure who answered that dm, but they did so last week with a “this is amazing! thank you so much” and a heart. in my mind i’ve framed that message on the wall

[joyful-writings]

thoughts i need to get out of my head bc AHHH I'VE BEEN INACTIVE AGAIN 😖

motorcyclist! ji changmin who's also your ex-boyfriend, and he has a huge breeding kink and tries to baby trap you (is it toxic? yes. is it smth i'm considering writing? also yes 🫠) (also idk why he has to be a motorcyclist specifically, it just works with what i have planned like... i have ideas that i cannot share w you right now)

park jongseong who has anger issues, so he tries new hobbies to help relieve it in a positive way (also his therapist told him to lol). he tries cooking/baking classes, and you're in the same class as him... y'all see where this is going?? could be fluffy or smutty tbh 🫣

rockstar! park jongseong who notices you coming to a lot of his concerts. he approaches you at a bar after a show and invites you back to his hotel. sex n stuff, etc etc (i just need to fuel my metalhead! jay fantasies, like... idk how to explain it but every time i listen to living dead girl by rob zombie, i think of him and i get weak)

i have a couple more ideas, but these ones have been swirling around a lot recently. i do want to try and write them!! but no promises since i've been busy again and tired asf. i should have some time next week to at least draft, tho. maybe i'll try to do something.....

if y'all like these ideas or have suggestions for them, please let me know!! i'd love to hear your thoughts 💜

#joyfulwritings #sidenotes n tangents

[ddontyyoukknow]

a wave

I hadn't realized just how many self improvement challenges i embark myself on until now! I was reading over a letter i was writing to my 30 year old self that is comprise of 3 entrees and in all of them i am doing a challenge and in the first two i didn't actually finish them like i actually gave up of them but i feel like during every attempt at a challenge that i do, rather than getting my entire life together i learn one thing at a time and piece it together little by little and thats whats gotten me to the point where i am rn. i must not fret if i am not completing the challenges as a whole, and i must take it for what its worth, adjust and continue. I am at a point of acceptance and gratitude and appreciation. I am fixated on going on lavish vacations and having a fabulous life. i want to go to japan and hawaii and france and i want to have a walt disney world vacation and i want to live in nyc and i want all my money ( a-lot of it) to come from my art. is that too much to ask. I think i am morphing into that person slowly and i think in this transformation the journey matters more than a transformation bc it will be me doing so many 180's. I have already changed so much in the past couple of months. I have garnered more and more maturity and so much patience and love for myself that my broken relationship with hard work and cleaning has started to heal in big ways- something like this is not accounted for in past challenges ive done and is very telling of why it didn't work out- I am still riding the high of cleaning up and flossing and showering and doing my chemical peel and shaving the other night! god did that feel good. I was feeling so horrible and i still got stuff done. thats something i havent expressed in these terms before but i sometimes feel so bad in my body when my mind is ok and wants to get up to do things and the number one thing i feel it could be rn is the whole way that my brain is structured into victim mode and how it expects everything to go awry. literally everything. i have felt this so deeply that i use to live in constant panic and learning about how untrue it is has been magical. little by little i come into power of myself and i learn that things are not scary or impossible. more and more i step forward to do things i once found scary and more and more i learn that there is nothings i cant do. which then brings me back to the mindset of wanting to start a challenge. its definitely a way for my brain to feel like its taking control of my life and its outcomes by telling it this is exactly what the next 3 months will look like when i know at this point that my spirit will take me on a joyride and will show me and give me wonderful things that i didnt even know i wanted. but yet the challenge will give me some structure to base my days on and at least for the first couple of days while its still fresh it should offer some excitement. i will say as well before talking about this challenge that i have a therapist/ doctor/gym/dentist/lawyer for the first time now! i got a teeth cleaning, a checkup, bloodwork, help with nutrition and i go to therapy every week. just having someone to listen to me has been so healing and nice. another highlight of my life right now has bee finding a community art studio where cool artist hang out to create, they meet every Wednesday. there is also aztec dance class every thursday i really want to go to, and i just went to the art institute with teddy it was so inspirational, i 2 weeks ago got to see the strokes!! and in about a month im going to see ESTERHICKS! when i found out she would be in town i almost had an existential crisis at work. teddys bday is in a couple weeks and idk what he wants to do. there must be something in the star rn. apparently for those of us that pluto in capricorn affected, the waves are leaving us and the astrological new year has happened and everything that we want and everything that we have worked hard for will start to come to us and our lives will 180 this year. its just in the stars. let me see...

[one-abuse-survivor]

tw verbal abuse & possible neglect mention

i think my dad was verbally abusive to me and both of my parents were like, kinda neglectful towards me in some ways. and honestly, its not happening so much anymore, mostly bc i stopped talking to both of my parents for the most part and i go to therapy as well so my dad is scared to talk to me (bc he's uncomfortable that i go to therapy) and my mom talks to me but only a little (bc she thinks its her fault i 'have to' go to therapy).

but even though the neglect and verbal abuse isn't going on so much anymore, i still have to live with them (bc im severely disabled) and it just still hurts. like i don't know how to STOP the hurting. especially now that i can actually think 'yeah that was probably abusive yeah that was probably neglect' it HURTS, it fucking tears me up inside. like how could you do that, why would you do that. and technically, my mom didn't abuse me, i think she neglected me some, but i also think some of that was out of her control. but i also dont think i can forgive her for standing by while my dad was verbally abusing me-like she would be right there, mostly just ignoring it bc while she thought it was rude, she didn't think he was wrong and she didn't want to argue with him, so she would just let him tear me down. and neither of them apologized or anything, they just mostly dont talk to me anymore.

i just. it hurts. i don't know how to make it stop hurting and i hate it. i hate that i have to deal with this when its not even my FAULT, like i didn't ask for them to do this to me. they didn't apologize, they don't even really think they were wrong but im the only one going to therapy and the only one considered broken and im supposed to forgive and forget but i just hurt all the time and no one gives af. im sorry for ranting, i just so tired. i wondered if you have any advice for working on NOT hurting so much, on healing after being hurt by your parents even if they aren't apologizing or anything?

I'm Jax btw.

Hey, Jax!

I'm glad to hear you're going to therapy. This situation sounds really complicated and really unfair to you. You're right, none of this is your fault, and it sucks that you're the one who has to deal with all of this hurt now when they were the ones who hurt you. I'm glad you could express some of that hurt here, at least.

I'm not sure I have any useful advice, because I've been privileged enough to be able to unpack my trauma away from my abuser. I'm not sure I would've been able to work through my pain while still sharing a roof with her.

What I can say is that, while I think it's a good idea to look for ways to help you process your hurt so it becomes less painful, I really hope you know that you shouldn't be expected to "forgive and forget" and just be fine. You're still actively living with the people who abused and neglected you, and they continue to deny it ever happened. They haven't apologised for hurting you and they're not trying to be better. So, please, don't beat yourself up for continuing to show and feel signs of trauma. It's okay to not be able to fully heal—and it would be really unfair to expect you to, given your circumstances.

All that being said, I can list some exercises that have helped me personally process and overcome some of my hurt, in case they might be helpful:

Writing down a list of all the separate emotions I feel when I'm feeling hurt (anger, sadness, fear, hatred, disgust...) and then writing down in a paragraph what each separate emotion is saying in my head, in order to give it a voice and the space to exist. (After doing this a couple of times, my therapist suggested adding one last voice called "self-care" and writing down what such a voice would say if it was present in my head, and it helped).

Assigning each of my emotions a colour and painting abstract colour blobs, pouring out all the different emotions (and the ways they intertwine) on the paper.

Writing fictional stories that explore trauma and recovery in-depth.

Reclaiming the "abuse survivor" label and talking openly about my trauma (with people's consent, without trauma-dumping).

My new therapist is also going to guide me through an exercise on processing anger on our next session, so I might share my experience with that eventually, if I find it useful. Maybe it can help others! Especially if you already have a therapist you can suggest this exercise to.

Does anyone have any other advice for Jax?

Take care ❤️

#ask #Jax anon #Abuse #Abuse tw #Verbal abuse tw #Neglect #neglect tw #Vent #Abusive parents #Therapy mention

[throwingupmyemotions]

mom

this whole things is just going to be me word vomiting everything about my mom and my relationship with her bc i think it played a huge role in shaping who i am and how i react to ppl and problems but i literally don't understand it at all and i recently found some new information so i just kinda hope i can piece it together after writing it all out yk

so i hate crying in front of my mom and i almost never do anymore, and i rarely show any kind of negative emotion around her just bc i hate it yk. but i went home last week and i was talking to my sister about stuff and we started talking about my mom and i said that i felt like my sister was treated like "the son" of the family (esp in asian households, they are obviously favored) and she agreed bc lowkey my mom made it too obvious. but then my mom came in and all of a sudden i asked her why when i used to cry she would always say they were "crocodile tears" bc it sounds like she thought i was crying to manipulate her and not bc i was actually hurt. and she said "did i rlly say that??" and my sister and i laughed bc she wld literally say it every time i cried (which was very often lol i was an emotional child and that's prob why they never took my feelings seriously) but anyway somehow i started crying and i told my mom about how hurt i felt growing up and feeling like she hated me and my mom apologized and i could totally tell it was genuine. she opened up about her childhood trauma (she has a lot of it) and she said the therapist that she has started seeing said that she has borderline personality disorder which kind of turned my entire world upside down!! I'll explain now:

so basically during 8th-9th grade my mom was going thru some stuff and our relationship was rlly rlly bad. she would get into these moods where i felt like she genuinely hated me. idek how to explain it but she would get super cold and find any reason to get mad at me and her getting upset is one thing but she somehow found the worst most hurtful things she could say and she said them so easily while knowing they would hurt ykwim?? and i remember she would get so angry and me crying would make it worse but trying to hold back my crying made me start getting almost panic attacks where i couldn't breathe and she would somehow get more angry. it felt like a horror movie, like genuine raw fear. but these moods would only target me, like she was completely normal with my sister and when my dad would come home she would be back to normal and she would threaten me if i told my dad about what happened but he wld find out anyway bc i would start crying at the dinner table or smth.

but so those moods wld happen one day and the next day she would be nice to me and i wld bring up how hurtful the things she said the day before were to me and she would have no memory of it. im not even kidding she wld say "i said that??" and i genuinely don't think she remembered any of it. and she would always feel so bad and apologize a million times and say she was going to go get help and that she didn't mean any of it and that she loved me so much. at the end she would give me a long hug and i wld be crying of relief. the hug was always so good, every time i remember thinking that this time was the last time and i was safe in my mom's arms and she wld never hurt me like this again. ive always been pretty gullible, i believe ppl. especially the ppl i love yk? but the next day she wld hate me again. and the day after that she wld apologize and not remember any of it. after 1.5 yrs of it, i started seriously breaking. i remember not even feeling angry, i just was so exhausted and scared. somehow the fear only got worse, i never got used to it. i remember just wanting to get away from her, i hated being alone with her bc i never knew which version of her i was going to get and there was no escape. i thought she had bipolar disorder bc of her mood shifts but that's why when she told me about her bpd diagnosis i was so idk the word?? i wldnt say relieved but like some part of me was satisfied in knowing the reason she acted the way she did wasn't bc of me.

so one thing i think i always wondered was if she believed those things she said, now ik she said those things just to hurt me but that doesn't rlly make me feel better bc that means she wanted to hurt me? like what was wrong with me that made her want to see me like that yk. so i think that's part of why i feel so idk i don't want to say (unlovable) bc it sounds bad but lowkey yeah. it feels like my existence is so burdensome and annoying to everyone and i constantly have to make up for it by being as helpful as i can and to give everything i have to make ppl love me. but even then, like i get that my parents and friends love me but they don't actually love me. bc everything i say and do is to get them to love me, its not actually me yk? idek who i am bc my entire life just revolves around getting validation and affection from ppl. and the worst part of it all is that even tho i realize all of this, i don't want to stop and start being myself. somehow i know that as soon as i start being myself, no one will love me.