#xmenannual13

[gaknar]

It’s a lil weird that Jubilee is able to just come and go as she pleases, looting enough resources to survive among 8 other breathing bodies, and none of the X-Men are any wiser. Not anyone using that magical surveillance and security system that’s resident on the base, and not even our crack telepath Betsy who can usually, you know, sense everyone’s thoughts and psychic presence in the area. I do like that we get to see another X-Men baseball game though. I just love these.

However, as someone who has gotten hit by a baseball on multiple occasions, I have to wonder how it is that Havok has never had his head taken clean off by a Rogue hit line drive up the middle. Like, if anyone gets hit by that their head is going to explode. (X-Men Annual #13 – 1989)

#x-men #xmfbte #clare5 #xmenannual13 #baseball #jubilee #rogue #havok #colossus #wolverine #dazzler #psylocke #storm

[gaknar]

As you know, I’ve been following the X-Men pretty closely, so it’s rare that I reach a scene like this that is so profoundly confusing. First of all, the little things. Why does Wolverine sleep naked. Is that Dazzler and why is she so horny. Why does she want to fuck Wolverine of all people?? And the biggest question I have here: Am I supposed to believe that Wolverine wouldn’t be a willing participant in this situation. Bullshit!!! That guy would bone the Armadillo’s dead husk of a body if he had the chance. Fortunately, the following panels quickly explain the drama. As part of another storyline taking place in Captain America or some other comic, Diamondback from the Serpent Society got body swapped with Dazzler and came back to the X-Men base so the X-Men could figure out how to swap them back. Being a little promiscuous, Diamondback gets turned on with all the fleshy mutant man meat around her and decides to take out her frustrations on Wolverine. Considering her strained history with Wolverine and her constant aversion to his hygiene and habits, Dazzler obviously doesn’t want her body being used to grind down on Wolverine’s dick until his sperm squirts into it, hence the nun-like bed checks she’s performing here. Makes sense, except that it turns out Dazzler’s still using Diamondback’s body to have freaky sex with Longshot!!!

What a hypocrite!!! He’s an alien!! He could have alien syphilis for all you know!! Don’t use another person’s body to have sex with him!! Geez, this is like another episode of Mutant Real World. (X-Men Annual #13 – 1989)

#x-men #xmenannual13 #xmfbte #clare5 #wolverine #dazzler #diamondback #longshot

[gaknar]

I think this is the first appearance of the classic Jubilee sunglasses. Who did she steal those from?? Cyclops never made it to Australia with the team. Can you even imagine how much that clothing ensemble smells? I’m sure half the X-Men don’t wash their clothes, and now you’re wearing something that’s got ALL of their sweat and grime all over it. Rogue’s feet. Wolverine’s clammy palms. Dazzler’s underboob sweat. Fucking Longshot’s BAG. You know he keeps his dirty underwear in there. Sick! (X-Men Annual #13 – 1989)

#x-men #xmfbte #clare5 #xmenannual13 #jubilee

[gaknar]

Didn’t this scene just happen in the last annual??? Wolverine and Dazzler do not travel well together. I’m sure this is going to go well for her.

Did Wolverine just strike a match on Dazzler’s butt??? Is that even possible? On the surface of that skin tight body suit??? Don’t you need a surface with more friction to strike a match like that?? You know what, it’s absolutely crushing to know that I will never in my life be in a situation where I can personally verify that question. Fuck real life!! (X-Men Annual #13 – 1989)

#x-men #xmfbte #clare5 #xmenannual13 #wolverine #dazzler

[gaknar]

In the back of X-Men annual #13, there’s a B-story that shows what happens after Jubilee follows the X-Ladies into that portal from the mall to the X-Men base, and it’s all about her acclimating to life in the Australian outback while secretly residing there. A couple things of note here. First, wtf is with Storm and Rogue inconsiderately flying down to the base without offering their friends a lift? It’s not like Rogue couldn’t carry them. It’s going to take them all of thirty seconds to zip down there while Dazzler and Psylocke have to spend forty-five minutes trudging through uneven terrain and monster desert mosquitoes after a night of hard drinking at the male strip club. Look at poor Betsy taking her heels off to do the walk of shame. She didn’t even want to be wearing those heels! Dazzler made her. She was wearing something much more functional before that. Second, this little bit of subtle narrative here shows that Gateway very much let his portal linger to purposefully bring Jubilee to the X-Men’s base, as if he had some clairvoyance toward how she was going to be needed there.

Is this the only time Gateway ever talks??? And he’s just like, “hey what’s up.” What’s his god damned problem the rest of the time! I guess if I was him, having to constantly use my powers to teleport the X-Men around the world and having to be responsible for getting everyone’s drunk asses home, I wouldn’t talk to them very much either. (X-Men Annual #13 – 1989)

#x-men #xmfbte #clare5 #gateway #jubilee #storm #psylocke #rogue #dazzler #xmenannual13

[gaknar]

This is pretty much my ultimate fantasy. Not the trying on Rogue’s costume part (I swear). Or the parents are dead part. The hiding and living on the X-Men’s basement part. Living underneath their home, creeping around in their tunnels, sneaking into their bedrooms and stealing their underwear, getting to live with them and pretending like I’m one of the team. Wishing they were my friends!! I mean, that’s basically what I’m doing when I’m reading these comics. But Jubilee is actually LIVING that dream. (X-Men Annual #13 – 1989)

#x-men #xmfbte #clare5 #xmenannual13 #jubilee

[gaknar]

This comic is a goof train-wreck unbefitting of an X-Men comic book of this era, but look at some of these horrific murder scenes that take place during the fight between the X-Men and the Serpent Society. First Havok beats the shit out of this woman and then stuffs her lifeless body in a vat of paint chemicals. Then Rogue flat out turns this other woman’s face in PASTE.

Ouch. Finally, Psylocke comes a hair’s breadth away from having her fucking HEAD BITEN OFF by a giant snake person.

Can you imagine what this could have looked like???? Psylocke’s headless, blood spurting body stumbling around for a few moments before collapsing into a lifeless heap, while a giant snake man struggles to chomp her skull down to gooey mass he can somehow swallow. Fucking no thank you comic book! Holy shit, wait a second. I just realized that Cottonmouth there is the same character as portrayed by Mahershala Ali in the Netflix Luke Cage series. Why didn’t we get this version of him in the show!! Fuckin eatin peoples heads and shit. (X-Men Annual #13 – 1989)

#x-men #xmfbte #clare5 #xmenannual13 #psylocke #black racer #cottonmouth

[gaknar]

This is the single most vicious takedown I’ve ever seen in a comic book. I mean, look. Boomslang throws those little snake figurines at people. That’s all he does. I’m sure he KNOWS his power sucks. It’s not even a power! He probably lives with that insecurity every day. Always questioning himself. But here he is, doing his absolute best. And by god, he’s making it happen. He’s made it onto a super villain team. He’s trying to pull his weight. And then some douche-bag frat boy lays out every last insecurity you have for the world to see, while beating you into unconsciousness. And as you fall to the ground, all your little snake figurines clink on the ground around you. Absolutely vicious. (X-Men Annual #13 – 1989)

#x-men #xmfbte #clare5 #xmenannual13 #wolverine #boomslang

[gaknar]

Jubilee finds this booty cove underneath the X-Men’s Australian base, and I suppose this is supposed to be all the booty the Reavers had accumulated from years of performing crime all over the world. And the X-Men don’t know it’s there? Didn’t they go exploring at all? Jubilee finds all this shit in about 5 minutes. And we get a little tidbit about her being a gymnast, possibly with a little bit of acrobatic physical inclination thrown in there thanks to her mutant abilities. Ok, but why were the Reavers stealing ball gowns?

(X-Men Annual #13 – 1989)

#x-men #xmfbte #clare5 #xmenannual13 #jubilee #gateway

[gaknar]

Jubilee gets attacked by some kind of Cyborg dog, who must have been a guard dog the Reavers left there, but somehow the X-Men never noticed it, and it never attacked anyone until now. It’s kind of endearing that the Reavers had a little puppy, and it was all fucked up and cybernetic and belligerent just like they were. I bet they were so happy together!! With their little companion. I bet this is one of the reasons the Reavers come back in a few issues. To get their puppy!

Fuck. Well I guess that ain’t happening. This is probably why the Reavers crucify Wolverine. (X-Men Annual #13 – 1989)                    

#x-men #xmfbte #clare5 #xmenannual13 #jubilee

[gaknar]

Omg can you even imagine trying to be Dazzler’s roommate. I mean, sure, Diamondback is taking residence in her actual body here and not just her living space, but Jesus Christ. I can’t even eat a bowl of cereal here woman?? You’re having sex with an ALIEN and I can’t even have a bowl god damned of Coco-puffs.

Omg it never ends. Dazzler is asking to get murdered right here. (X-Men Annual #13 – 1989)

#x-men #xmfbte #clare5 #xmenannual13 #dazzler #diamondback #wolverine

[gaknar]

Here’s the back story of how Dazzler and Diamondback got body swapped. A few comments here. Who the FUCK is Mr. Jip and why does he look like such hideous nightmare fuel?? He doesn’t even wear any pants!! I’m just going to suggest something here. If you’re going to have the inclination to walk around upright and talk in a sophisticated manner, while going so far as to use an honorific title in your name, then you should be required to put some god damn pants on!! Jesus. Secondly, I would not be jumping into any of Gateway’s teleportation portals if there is so little reliability in them that I could accidentally end up in some fucking hideous monster’s basement, strapped to a table, getting my brain violated by ancient voodoo magic. Does he take any responsibility in what happened here??? I doubt it. (X-Men Annual #13 – 1989)

#x-men #xmfbte #clare5 #xmenannual13 #dazzler #diamondback #gateway #mr jip

[gaknar]

Yeesh look at this cover. I think this issue starts a series of extremely janky X-Men annuals. Before this, they have been quite entertaining. They were something special to look forward to every year. Extended X-Men stories that may have been a bit goofy, but were always entertaining. We had the X-Men running off to fight Loki in the Asgardian Wars, Doctor Strange giving the X-Men a tour of the seven circles of Hell, and Mojo expanding his media brand by creating the X-Babies. And they always looked great, a lot of them drawn by Art Adams. Not here though. This comic isn’t even written by Claremont. It figures, because this is the first X-Men annual I bought when I was a kid after I started reading the series. It makes sense that the annuals would start sucking with this one. (X-Men Annual #13 – 1989)

#x-men #xmfbte #clare5 #xmenannual13 #covers #mr jip #serpent society #wolverien #havok #storm #rogue #colossus

[gaknar]

This comic book is resolved when Mr. Jip (who still isn’t wearing any pants, thank god for those convenient shadow castings) gets the mystical artifacts he wants, but then in true 1960s comic book form, a different villain teleports in and steals the artifcats just before conveniently and considerately taking the time to explain his whole diabolical scheme.

I assume this story will continue in the other Atlantis Attacks annuals, but I’m sure as fuck not going to be sticking around for that. Have fun dealing with this naked hobgoblin looking thing, Dagger!

(X-Men Annual #13 – 1989)

#x-men #xmfbte #clare5 #xmenannual13 #mr jip #the cobra #diamondback #dazzler