As Bad As You Are
I tapped my nails nervously on the back of my iphone as our uber approached the driveway of an all too familiar house. I bit my lip and closed my eyes thinking about the last time I was here. I swore I'd never be back here. But I'd said that before and here I was...again. This time would be different though. I was stronger, smarter and more importantly, I was no longer his little toy to play with when he was bored.
"Dude are you ok?" Tara asked squeezing my hand as a concerned Devyn turned her head back from the passenger seat.
"Mmhmm." Is all I could manage to mumble out as I gave the girls a reassuring smile. I had to get my shit together and fast. I had been cool about this all day but now as the driver slowed down and suddenly stopped right outside the front door my stomach began to do flips. It always happened when I knew he was close by. Fuck.
We paid for the uber and made our way to the house. "Damn, are we late?" Devyn questioned hearing the loudness of the party through the inside of the door.
"I don't think so. Jake said ten right?" I questioned looking at Tara who rolled her eyes.
"Yeah but Jake's a fucking idiot. He's lucky he's hot or I'd be so done with his stupid shit." She huffed as we laughed. She always said that but we all knew she loved Jake more than anything. Must be nice. Just as we were about to knock on the door it opened in front of us. My heart skipped a beat as I waited to see who was going to be the one to greet us. Please don't be him. Anyone but him.
"Oooooooh! Look who it is!" Sam yelled excitedly running straight to me and lifting me in to a huge bear hug.
"Hey Sammy, happy birthday!" I smiled hugging him back feeling pure relief that it was Sam who had answered the door to us. I had missed him so much.
"Yeah happy birthday Sam!" The girls echoed before making their way through the party to find their respective boyfriends.
"I didn't even know you were back from the big apple. Did you just get here?" He questioned as I nodded a yes. Liar. I closed my eyes knowing I had just lied to Sam. I had been home for a couple of weeks but I wasn't ready to see everyone. I wasn't ready to see him.
"Wow, I'm so glad you're here. I thought you'd be too embarrassed to hang with us now that you're famous." He nudged.
"Sam, I starred in a music video, not a Hollywood movie. Plus you're way more famous than I am." I stated as he shook his head.
"You starred in a music video for a song that you wrote the lyrics to. That's a pretty big deal." Sam said taking a drink from the red cup he was holding. "Kat's gonna freak when she sees her bestie!" She wasn't the only one.
"KATRINA!" Sam called out as my pink haired best friend skipped through the hallway. Her eyes widening in shock as she saw me standing there.
"Look who it is!" Sam grinned like a child.
"Surprise!" I shouted.
"Oh my god! You're back!" She said jumping in to my arms almost making me lose my balance.
"I'm gonna get you a drink. Just the usual?" Sam asked as I nodded.
"You know it." I smiled politely as Katrina continued to wrap herself around me.
"Is he gone?" She whispered.
"All clear." I giggled as she finally let me go. "Do you think he bought it?" I asked as we both fixed our outfits. "Of course." Sam has no idea you've been back for a while. I promise."
"Thanks for not saying anything." I said wrapping my arm around her. Kat had been the only one out of the whole group to know that I had been home for a bit longer than I let on. She was also the only one who knew why I had stayed away so long in the first place.
"What are best friends for?
"The place looks great. You did such a good job decorating." I stated looking at all the balloons and banners Kat had bought for Sam's birthday. She had been talking about it for so long. She just wanted to give Sam the best night possible.
" I'm so glad you came." Kat grinned placing her head on my shoulder.
"I promised you didn't I? Plus I wouldn't let Sam down. I couldn't hide away for the rest of my life because of....." I paused.
"I know." She whispered holding my hand.
"Here you go ladies!" Sam danced over to us with our drinks placing his arms around both of our shoulders.
"Thank's babe." Kat said kissing him on the cheek. "You're the best Sammy." I said cuddling in to him. As one of his oldest friends I was one of only a few people that always got away with calling him Sammy.
"Am I allowed to say how hot she looks right now?" Sam asked Kat who playfully shoved him towards me. "I think you just did!"
"Sam are you drunk?" I questioned as he looked at me offended. "Why do I have to be drunk to say that you look good?" He fought back. "You do look hot girl." Kat admitted sipping her drink.
"Boy I can't wait to see Nate and Colby fight over you later." Sam joked as I shifted uncomfortably hearing the name of the boy I was trying desperately to forget about.
"Hey babe, I think I heard the door. You should go get it." Kat said pushing Sam towards the door as she caught my hand and led me to a quieter part of the house. "I'm sorry about that." She said with concern in her eyes.
"Kat stop! It's fine honestly. I have to get used to this again. Hearing his name, seeing him. I mean I'm in his fucking house." I said placing my hands on my head.
"He is gonna drop dead when he sees you though." Kat said giving me an evil grin. I laughed a little shaking my head. I wouldn't admit it to anyone but a part of me was aiming to show him what he was missing. I was wearing a little black off the shoulder dress with black fishnet tights. I knew I looked good, I knew exactly what to wear to make him crazy, what not to wear to make him even crazier. I wanted to bring him to his knees like he had done to me.
"Where is he anyway?"
"Oh." I laughed rolling my eyes. Typical.
"He's not with anyone if that's what you're thinking. He's finishing up some editing. Actually, Sam mentioned he hasn't seen him with anyone since before you left. That's a long ass time for Colby to go without hooking up." Kat confessed. She was right. Colby had a new girl almost every night.
"Doesn't matter to me anymore. Tonight isn't about him. It's about Sam so let's go find him and get drunk." I said taking her hand as we made our way to find her boyfriend.
A couple of drinks later and I was finally starting to relax. Corey and I had just beaten Jake and Tara at beer pong and we were happily sitting on the kitchen counter taking shots and selfies.
"That's a good one. That's going on insta right now!" He announced uploading the photo and tagging me. "Yeah I liked that, its cute." I agreed.
"Have you seen Colby yet?" Corey asked as I took a shot and shook my head. "Not yet." Hopefully never.
"Well he's gonna be stoked to see you. You don't wanna know how many times I caught him stalking your socials." Corey said stuffing his face with a pizza roll. I looked at him in shock. He had to be messing with me.
"Yeah seriously bro."
"Shut up." I half laughed pushing him."
"Dude, for real. I teased him about it once and he got really fucking defensive too." Corey said shaking his head. "Did I miss something? Is there something going on between you two?"
"Are you serious?" Me and...? Why can't I say his name? "No. God no." I chuckled playing with my hair.
"Ok, but I could have sworn......You know what, forget it." He said blushing.
"Nothing." He laughed as his eyes widened.
"Corey?" You asserted as he rubbed the back of his neck nervously chuckling. "I could have sworn I walked in on him......jerking off....."
"And? I'm sure that's happened more than once you do live in a house full of testosterone" I teased.
"Yeah but....I'm pretty sure it was to the music video.....you were in." Corey admitted as I almost choked on my drink.
"Okay now I know you're joking because that hasn't even been released yet." I confirmed crossing my legs.
"Wait, you didn't send it to him?" Corey questioned as I shook my head. Surely this was a prank.
"Why would I send...You're messing with me right now."
"Bro I swear down!" He said holding up his hands. "If it helps you looked fucking incredible in it..you and that guy had some amazing chemistry and choreography." Fuck my life. I cringed thinking about Corey and the others watching that video. I was practically in my lingerie for the whole thing.
"That doesn't help Corey." I fumed.
"Sorry but I really thought you sent it to Colby."
"I need another drink." I admitted jumping off the counter finding a bottle of vodka on the island and walking outside to the pool area for some air. I took a swig from the half full bottle as I tried to calm myself down because tonight was Sam's night and I wasn't going to let Colby ruin it. Not for Sam, not for Kat, not for me. I hadn't even seen him yet and somehow he had still managed to make himself known. A part of me wanted to leave but I knew I couldn't. The stronger part of me knew that if I did, I was back to square one again. Running from him wasn't an option anymore. I'd both been there and done that.
"It cant be...." I heard a voice gasp behind me. I hadn't even fully turned around before I was swept off of my feet and begin spun around.
"It is you!" The long haired brunette cried excitedly.
"Nate stop! Do you want me to get sick all over you?" I yelped closing my eyes until the spinning was over.
"I'm sorry I just..I didn't even know you were back!" He said pulling me in for a hug. I wrapped my hands around his waist keeping him close for a moment. Nate was great. He was one of my favourite people in the whole world. Plus he was incredibly sexy. He had asked me out a long time ago but I turned him down because... Well because I was sleeping with Colby and although it wasn't a relationship and we were seeing other people our friends were off limits. That was one of the "rules".
"Yeah I just got back a few days ago." I said as we finally parted.
"Well you look good. I mean.. you look way better than good, you look uhhh." He looked at me sighing heavily as he rubbed the back of his head. "You look hot...I mean...you look beautiful." He admitted as I blushed and laughed at the same time.
"Thanks Nate. You don't look so bad yourself." I confessed as we stood silently for a moment.
"So...you planning to drink all that by yourself?" He asked pointing to the vodka bottle in my hands.
"That was the plan but seeing as I like you I guess we can share." I winked. The air had started to hit me hard and I could feel the alcohol start to take over.
"We should dance." I suggested grabbing his hand and taking him back in to the house where people were dancing.
"I'm not very good at this." He said throwing back some vodka.
"Nate, you're a singer. If you can sing, you can dance." I argued as he laughed. We spent the next few minutes dancing with Corey, Jake, Devyn, Tara, Kat and Sam. All of us taking pictures and videos on our phones. Kat grabbed me as we danced together while she was on Instagram live. "Myyyyy bestie is sexxxxxy." She slurred in to her phone kissing me on the cheek. We continued dancing to the loud music until I heard Sam yell.
It sent a sudden shiver down my spine because I knew what it meant. I could already feel his presence. I turned around to see him slowly walk down the stairs with a glass of Jack Daniels in his hands, wearing a black tank top that tightly carved his abs through the material, his signature black pants and vans. Well he's still fucking beautiful.
"About time brother!" Sam shouted embracing his best friend as Kat grabbed my hand tightly. I smiled gratefully at Kat. I could see that she thought I was going to fall to pieces upon seeing Colby again but truthfully, I just wanted to hurt him. Like he had hurt me. Maybe it was the alcohol but I had so much anger built up inside of me and it had only gotten worse since Corey had told me about the video. Who did he actually think he was?
"Sorry brother but one of us had to work on your birthday. I'm working on catching up though." He grinned downing the glass of jack with ease as he took his final steps down the stairs. He still hadn't seen me as he walked with Sam over to the group.
"Just so you know Nate's been dancin' with your girl bro.." Sam joked patting Colby on the head.
"Who's my gi......" Colby froze finally seeing Nate and I leaning against the wall. This was it. I could either walk away or I could face him. I bit my lip in contemplation before choosing the latter.
"Hey stranger." I smiled sweetly pulling him in for a hug. Thank god for alcohol.
"Hey!" He said wrapping his muscular arms around me. "Long time no see." He muttered still holding me in his grip.
"You can say that again." I said as he finally let go. A silence grew amongst the group and I could only guess that they could sense a change between Colby and I. I didn't exactly jump in to his arms as I would've usually done when I got back from work trips that were long than a couple of days. "More shots!" Katrina called nervously sensing the uncomfortable vibe between myself and Colby.
"Fuck yes! Time to get you shit faced brother!" Jake yelled grabbing Colby by the shoulders. His eyes never leaving me as he was being pulled away.
"You ok?" Kat whispered.
"Totally." I smiled as we walked back towards the kitchen where the guys were taking shots.
"Did you guys get one for us?" Kat huffed as Nate turned around with two shots.
"I knew we could count on Nate." Kat smile batting her eyes playfully at Nate.
"Such a gentleman." I flirted standing beside him. I could see Colby gritting his teeth from the corner of my eye. He really hated me flirting with Nate. "You can't fuck any of my friends. Especially Nate. I know he's in to you." I don't know why it bothered him so much. Colby had made it clear he didn't want a relationship with me so I could never understand why it bothered him that Nate was in to me, if he really was.
"Ok. We ready? Happy Birthday Sam!" Colby shouted downing the shot as we all repeated his sentiments before swallowing our own.
"Oh and welcome back!" Colby said winking at me taking a swig straight from the bottle of whiskey.
"Thanks Cole." I smirked. Asshole.
2 hours or so had passed and I had managed to avoid having to talk to Colby again. At least we were being somewhat civil for Sam's sake because neither of us wanted anyone else to know that things were not okay between us. I looked around at the house and yard thinking about all the memories I had here. All my favourites being with Colby. All my worst being with him too. No matter where I went in this house I could tell a story about something we had done. This was where we had first kissed without it being a dare or us being drunk. It was where we had slept together for the first but not for the last time. It was where I realised what I felt for Colby wasn't just lust anymore and that I was falling in love with him. Something we promised we wouldn't let happen. A promise I wasn't able to keep.
I sat on the sunbed by the pool texting on my phone when I felt a body take a seat beside me.
"So are we gonna cut the friendly bullshit now that no ones around?" Colby questioned his blue eyes piercing me with sheer cockiness.
"Gladly." I replied not looking up from my phone.
"Good cause its exhausting." He sighed as I locked my phone getting up from where I was sitting not willing to give him the argument I knew he was looking for.
"Trust me, If it wasn't Sam's birthday I wouldn't waste an ounce of oxygen on you." I stated smugly walking back in to the house and away from him.
"Hey, I've been looking for you." Nate said walking towards me. "I've just been around." I smiled refusing to show any pain or anger.
"Were you with Colby all this time?" He asked with a slight frown pointing towards Colby who was still sitting where I had been, looking directly at us.
"No I haven't really spoken to him all night."
"Are you guys ok? Usually at a party I can't get you away from him." Nate questioned as I looked back at Colby.
"I guess, things change." I admitted shrugging my shoulders. "Do you wanna...." He choked for a second trying to finish his sentence. "Dance with me again? We didn't get to finish the last one?" He asked as I smiled and took his hand and guided him to the floor once more.
I wrapped my arms around his neck as we danced to the beat of the music. He stood nervously until I laughed. "You can put your hands on my waist Nate. I don't bite." He chuckled and slowly placed his hands on me. The floor began filling up as more and more people joined the party. Kat shot me a cheeky grin as she danced with Sam.
"Are you having a good time?" Nate asked as I nodded.
"Of course. Are you?"
"The best." He admitted grinning like an idiot.
"Good." I said hugging him tightly before we went back to dancing. Babydoll by Ari Abdul played through the speakers as I froze... That was our song...the song that was playing the first time Colby and I decided to become more than friends but less than a couple.
"Good you're so fucking beautiful..."He whispered kissing my collarbone as I closed my eyes.
"Colby... I don't want to ruin our friendship. I can't lose you like that." I admitted biting my bottom lip, placing my hands gently on his chest.
"We were never just friends, you have to know that." Colby whispered lightly pressing his lips to mine.
"Hey you ok?" Nate asked waving a hand over my face escaping me from my thoughts.
"Yeah, sorry I just got lost there for a second." I said reassuring him. I closed my eyes trying not to think about what this song had represented. What it had meant to me. Just then I felt someone burning a hole through me from somewhere in the room. I opened my eyes to see Colby staring straight at me leaning against the wall with a bottle of jack in his hand. He gave me a strange smirk and nodded at me never moving his eyes away from me. He couldn't possibly remember this song...could he? Colby didn't think like that. He wasn't sentimental. That wasn't him. Why did I even care? Why did I want to know if he remembered? Why was I still thinking about him when Nate was in front of me? Why hadn't I looked away from Colby yet? What the fuck was I doing?
"Hey ,can I ask.." Oh no....
"Nate I'm sorry. I just need a minute." I said quickly pulling away from him and headed towards the bathroom. I felt a hand reach for me, the cold clad rings were all too familiar on my skin.
"I could be wrong but I think you had more fun with me the last time you heard that song." He did remember...
"Fuck you." I spat.
"That you did." He grinned smugly. I wanted to slap him. I ripped my arm from his grip and slammed the bathroom door shut before I shed any tears in front of him. I took a deep breath as I leaned over the sink. Do not cry. Do not cry. You will not waste any more tears on him. I took a couple of more deep breaths as I got my composure back.
"Fuck this." I cursed looking at myself in the mirror. I had enough of feeling this way, being treated this way by someone I would have once given my all to. This wasn't the Colby I had known for years before we started this toxic relationship. I wasn't who I used to be either and I needed to find her again. My blood was boiling as I exited the bathroom. All I could see was red as I went in search for Colby. It didn't take me long as I walked towards him and the black haired girl he was flirting with. I grabbed his arm and began to pull him away as the girl tried to grab him back. "Wait your turn bitch." She spat as I grinned looking at Colby. "Oh I've been waiting for this for a long time."
She tried to grab my arm but I shot her a killer look. "FUCK. OFF." I warned as she finally walked away defeated. I continued dragging Colby up the stairs and towards his bedroom. I could see Nate frowning at me as he watched Colby and I make our way up the steps. "You know I'm pretty sure your boyfriend saw you pulling me up here. I don't think he's gonna be too happy." Colby teased in my ear as I shoved him hard shutting the door behind me.
"What is your problem!?" I screamed. I knew the music was too loud for anybody to hear me and I couldn't wait any longer.
"What's yours?" He fought back.
"I'm looking at him."
"I love it when you're feisty." Colby grinned trying to cup my face, the smell of alcohol lingered on his breath as I slapped his hand away.
"Don't. Don't you dare touch me."
"You never complained before."
"This is all just a game to you isn't it? You just get off on hurting people."
"You used to get off on me hurting you too." He teased moving boldly closer towards me.
"How fucked up must I have been?" I admitted standing my ground. I sensed he could see the seriousness in my eyes because he took a step backwards.
"Why are you here?" He questioned as I raised an eyebrow. "Because it's Sam's..."
"No. Why are you here with me...right now?" He challenged folding his arms.
"Because you've treated me like shit for too long and I'm over it."
"And you had to drag me all the way to my bedroom to tell me that?"
"I'm not going to fight with you down there and ruin Sam's night. Unlike you I actually take other people in to consideration."
"You sure it wasn't to get me away from the girl downstairs?" Colby quizzed as I scoffed. "I'd be doing her a favour."
"You never could hide your jealousy."
"And what about you huh? Like you haven't been watching me all night with Nate." I teased as his face changed.
"If that's what you need to believe to make yourself feel better then by all means..." He replied trying to act unbothered but I knew Colby better than that. His whole demeanour changed at the mention of Nate's name.
"It still gets to you doesn't it? That I could have him in a heartbeat."
"You don't want Nate. You never did." Colby stated confidently.
"How would you know what I want?"
"If you wanted Nate you'd be downstairs with him. But here you are in my bedroom with me." He grinned.
"You're so cocky. It's sickening."
"I always thought that was one of the things you loved about me?"
"I don't love anything about you. I can't even stand being around you anymore."
"Oh so that's why you've been lying about being in New York still when you actually got home almost two weeks ago. Because of me?" I paused for a slight second wondering how he knew I had been home. I knew Kat would never tell him and she was the only one I had told. Then it hit me. Colby knew the producer of the music video I had appeared in. That's how he knew I was home and more importantly that's how he got his hands on the music video before it was officially released.
"You know what? You're right. You are the reason and what makes me sick is that you look almost proud of the fact that you pushed me so far away. You were my best friend!" I yelled. I didn't care anymore. I needed to let it out. The hurt, the frustration..."I made such a mistake in thinking sleeping with you wouldn't change anything between us. I thought I was strong enough to just hook up with you and not feel anything."
"I always told you I didn't want a relationship."
"Yeah you did. But you also made it impossible for me to be with anyone else. Every time I tried to walk away you let me believe that we could be more and I fell for it every single time."
"I'm sorry that I didn't feel that way about you." Colby mumbled looking to the floor as I couldn't hold back a laugh.
"You know, I really believed you didn't feel anything for me. You did such a good job pushing me away, saying all the right things to hurt me and boy did you hurt me." I paused for a moment. "But I see how you look at me or how you don't look at me, like right now. Because a part of you knows that you feel something for me and it terrifies you." I said confidently.
"You think you've got it all figured out huh? You don't know anything! I don't feel anything for you and I never did. You were just a good fuck...helped pass the time." Colby shrugged but I knew him better than that. Everything was starting to make sense now.
"That why you haven't been with anyone else since I left? Because they weren't as good as a fuck as I was? Or was it just the fact that they actually weren't me Colby?" I asked finally letting his name escape my lips. His blue eyes widened as he pushed his body against mine. "You really think you're that fucking special?" I swallowed hard pushing my body right back on his, never taking my eyes off of his.
"Special enough for you to jerk off watching a video of me instead of just fucking someone else." I whispered as Colby stood in silence tensing his body.
"Yeah, I know things too Colby. So go ahead, down a few more glasses of jack and maybe you'll get drunk enough to find a girl who resembles me just a little bit because I promise you that is as close as you'll ever get to me again." I stated pushing him away and grabbing the door knob when I felt him grab my hand.
"You really must hate me." He muttered as I pulled my hand away. Why did his touch still set my sin on fire? I opened the door and leaned my head against the side looking at him one final time.
"No Colby, I just hate myself for still loving you" I admitted my eyes welling up with tears as I finally turned away from him and the toxic relationship that had cost me a friendship which had meant more to me than anything.
I walked down the stairs in what felt like slow motion steps looking up when I heard my name being called.
"I was about to send a search party for you." Nate smiled taking my hand and guiding me down the last few steps of the stairs. I smiled at the boy standing before me wondering why I had always chosen Colby over him.
"Aww were you worried about me?" I teased wrapping my arms around his neck but I could sense a hesitation in his body language.
"I saw you go upstairs with Colby and I just assumed you guys were...hooking up." Nate frowned rubbing the back of his head.
"We weren't hooking up. We just needed to talk about some stuff." I reassured him with a smile.
Suddenly there was a loud crash upstairs in what sounded like a mirror smashing in to a thousand pieces.
"What the hell was that?" Sam shouted from the hallway as he began to run for the stairs. "Colby what the fuck happened dude?" I heard Sam yell from the top of the stairs. "Woah woah!" Sam yelled as Colby pushed his way down the stairs. I could see blood dripping from Colby's hand and it was all but confirmed that he had punched the mirror upstairs.
"Colby, you ok man?" Nate asked concerned as Colby paused to look directly at me. I said nothing. "Colby, what happened bro?" Nate spoke again as Colby finally broke his gaze from mine. "Like you give a shit "bro"." Colby spat heading for the front door and slamming it behind him. Sam stood in shock as Kat put her arm around him. "I should go after him." Sam spoke clearly upset by the sudden situation. "Babe, maybe leave him be for a while huh?" Kat suggested but Jake headed for the door and began to follow him ignoring everyone else.
"You wanna go after him?" Nate asked as I was still looking at the door. I was holding every inch of my body back from going with Jake to find Colby.
"N...no. I don't."
"I'm assuming the stuff you had to talk about didn't go so well?" Nate questioned as I frowned.
"No. Not really. But he's not my problem Nate. I'm right where I want to be." I said smiling at Nate who lifted my arms from around his neck and pulled away. I frowned seeing the look that was now firmly across his face.
"Can't what?" I asked as he shook his head.
"Can't be here, can't be with you." He said placing his hands on his head.
"Because whatever is going on between you and Colby is way too complicated for me to get involved in."
"There's nothing going on between me and Colby!"
"I really want to believe that."
"Then believe it. Nate you know I like you."
"And you know I like you too. Christ! I've wanted you to like me for so long, to look at me the way you looked at Colby."
"But you're not Colby!" I smiled trying to cup his face.
"Exactly! And I never will be." He yelled letting out a sigh. Just then the door opened and Jake walked in with Colby in tow. Nate shook his head and laughed catching Colby's eyes move straight towards me again. He grabbed my hand and kissed it before he reached for his jacket and headed towards the open front door. He stood beside Colby and smiled pointing at me.
"You're his girl. Always have been. Always will be." He said as Colby and I looked at each other. "Maybe it's time you both just admit that your feelings for each other go way past hatred, friendship or fucking. Just figure it out before it completely fucks you both up." Nate said exiting the house as we stood in utter silence.
"I knew they were screwing!" Jake yelled excitedly breaking the silence between Colby and I as the rest of the trap house family remained in complete shock.
Looks like I was just as messed up as Colby after all.