#ya hey is especially a favorite of mine because it has such a heavy emotional throughline

[mokutone]

Got any yamato-adjacent song suggestions? I'm making a playlist!

ah! i've not gotten a question like this before. i should warn u that, firstly, i don't have good music taste, i never have and i probably never will 😔. I also don't honestly have a lot of songs which ring strongly as Yamato? i have maybe one song that DEFINTIELY makes me think of a naruto character, but that character is like. obito. i don't even like obito that much its just the song is like extremely him. anyway

There are some songs that make me experience emotions which sometimes (due to my brainrot) are converted into Yamato Emotions though, but they're generally abt the relationship between an individual + god. I think because of the extremely important relationship between yamato and hashirama/hashirama's mokuton (as he's often called the God of Shinobi and also has a similar kind of. extreme reverence placed upon his name)

the first one is the sweetest: Spring (Wake) by the Arcadian Wild, I like the first verses the most, n i think abt this mostly as a like. very lonely little kinoe considering his mokuton as a presence in its own right, almost like an imaginary friend

Wake up, sleepyhead I pulled you out from the flowerbed My breath fills your lungs I’ll give this garden to my favorite son

this ones...hm. Big Blue by Vampire Weekend, it repeats the same verses over and over. four times, i think. i tend to think of it as tenzos stages of life as he's freed from one nightmare and moves on to the next. being free'd from orochimaru, to being free'd by danzo, to being free'd by kakashi, to being released from anbu duty to live in the sunlight, each time kind of like "ah, is this where i'll belong?"

I was so overcome with emotion. When I was hurt and in need of affection, When I was tired and I couldn’t go home Then you offered protection So am I learning my lesson? Or am I back on my own?

this one is one of my favorites! Garden Song (pete seeger version). he's one of my favorites, and there's such a kind of gentle, accepting dedication to slow progress that makes me think of yamato..ah. ack. there are other versions of this song, and if you can find a live version thats especially good cause pete seeger does the wackiest call and response youve ever heard, he sings the song twice over, once to share the lyrics, once to partake in them himself, all at the same time, lyric by lyric. nutzo. love that guy

Pullin' weeds and pickin' stones, We are made of dreams and bones

last one on my list is Ya Hey also by Vampire Weekend, which has absolutely nothing to do with yamato but the vibes of it are impeccable and while it's a song about god, a couple of the lyrics pierce my heart + make me think of him, not in a way which is true to the song, nor in a way which is direct, but which speaks very quietly to my heart

In the dark of this place There's the glow of Your face There's the dust on the screen Of this broken machine And I can't help but feel That I've made some mistake But I let it go Ya Hey, Ya Hey, Ya Hey Through the fire and through the flames You won't even say Your name Through the fire and through the flames You won't even say Your name You say, "I am that I am" But who could ever live that way?

#I am that I am #yamswers #clareion-call #obvs it should be noted that like. songs which deal with the narrators relationship to god r highly personal #and i enjoy these songs for their own selves outside of thinking abt yamato #ya hey is especially a favorite of mine because it has such a heavy emotional throughline #where the narrator feels simultaneously comforted and also abandoned by god #and acknowledges that he may have abandoned god as well—which is why god might be abandoning him #its a song of such immense frustration but at the same time a very strong longing that it knocks me flat on my ass every time i hear it #which i know is shocking to hear abt a vampire weekend song but like its facts #ya hey fucks #if it isnt obvious just by listening to them i'll note that these songs r not all of the same faiths—ya hey is v distinctly jewish + abt it #while vaguer big blue probably is too #meanwhile spring (awake) is distinctly and sometimes uncomfortably christian #garden song is that weird kinda christian that wants to settle into the background. i dont dislike it at all but it is there #god the lines: #Through the fire and through the flames || You won't even say Your name || Through the fire and through the flames || #You won't even say your name || Only || But who could ever live that way? #just absolutely fucking obliterates me #the frustration! the longing! ah! ack! #you won't even say your name...good lord! that one hurts! #im a simple man. i love a song abt ones relationship with god #long post #i didnt really care for vampire weekend a whole lot but my roommate took me to see them once #and it was the third time ive ever gone to a concert #and the experience of a concert will change the way that you interact with the music in a fascinating way—its like the music becomes #something tangible in you for a moment #i would never say theyre one of my favorite bands but at the same time theyre in my head in a way they werent before

[3pirouette]

Fic: The Good Doctor: Learning Curve (1/1)

Title: The Good Doctor: Learning Curve

By: TriplePirouette/3Pirouette

Disclaimer: They're not mine.

The Good Doctor Series on AO3

Learning Curve on AO3

Story Summary: Peggy didn’t realize that she’d put her foot in her mouth when she’d asked Barton if he was a father.

Satisfies the Clint Barton Square for my Steggy Bingo Bash and Day 5 of Steggy Week: Favorite Trope/Genre. Usually the “getting used to the future” trope is saved for Steve, but I thought we’d turn it on its head a little.

A/N: Clint is… a mystery to me. He’s one of the characters I rarely write because I don’t feel like I have a good hold on who he is internally. As a square for my SBB, this is a challenge, but I really liked this idea, and I love this universe, so… Also, I now really like this soft, Daddy!Clint.

~*~

Peggy hated crying.

She hated showing anyone any kind of weakness.

She especially hated crying in the shared kitchen where anyone could come in and just see her standing in the middle of the kitchen, crying. Even though she knew she was alone, that didn’t make it feel any less public or exposed.

But she didn’t really have much of a choice, not when every single thing she’d tried to accomplish today had felt like a struggle and just out of her grasp and Steve was off somewhere and she was here, alone, trying to figure out just when to give up and try to talk to the disembodied voice in the ceiling or call Tony’s girlfriend who was currently all the way across the country.

She reached out to the counter, sniffling, eyes filled with tears from both the smoke of her burnt chicken and the emotional release she was having. She pulled at the slip of paper, trying to make out the number.

“You could just call her, you know.”

She jumped at the voice, warm and soft and male and very much not the AI she’d been expecting. She swiped at her eyes, sniffing away the tears. “I’m sorry?”

“Pepper. She wouldn’t mind.” The man gestured at the paper. “She’s pretty nice, once you get past that outer shell of cold-hearted CEO. She’s actually pretty down to earth.” He shrugged and moved past Peggy into the kitchen. “I mean, you could ask Friday for help, too, but she’s not as good as Jarvis was.”

Peggy watched as he moved around her, seemingly glued to the spot as he pulled her ruined chicken from what she thought had been an oven. “I mean, it’s not your fault everything around here is suped up to eleven.” He shrugged and tossed the chicken in the trash before he ran water in the tray and set it in the sink to soak.

“Who…”

Peggy didn’t even get out the whole sentence before he held his hand out to her. “Clint Barton.” He smiled, but it faded when she didn’t take his hand. He let it drop and moved back to the cabinets. “Picking up some tech and meeting the team in Hungry in the morning. Steve said you’d be here.” He started opening cabinets and picking through the cupboard. “Figured I’d see if there was anything worth scavenging here before we’re on freeze dried protein bars for the next few days.” He turned to her, face scrunching up. “They’re so dry.”

Peggy watched as he walked past the oven and flicked a switch, the overhead fan turning on and pulling the residual smoke from the air.

“Looks like there isn’t much… Wanda make any of that Pepper-stuff?”

“Paprikash?” Peggy stuttered out, still shocked at the ease he was moving around.

“Yeah!” He smiled and pointed at her, moving to the refrigerator. “I have no idea what’s in it, but it’s good.” He pulled out a glass container and smiled. “Bingo! Want some?”

Peggy nodded, shaking herself out of her stupor. “I’m afraid I’ll be of little use lest I burn down the kitchen.”

“Nah,” Clint moved around swiftly, barely looking as he pulled pots and spoons and bowls and set the stew to warm on the stove. “Friday’d activate the fire suppressants first.”

Clint leaned back against the counter and crossed his arms, looking her over. “Please tell me you weren’t crying over just a burnt piece of chicken?”

She cleared her throat, feeling suddenly caught. “Well, I…” she let the sentence drift off, not sure if she could get it all out without falling apart again.

He let the silence hang for a moment before he softened his face as he busied himself but getting the leftovers on the stove. “Steve asked me to check on you. Said he’s been calling and calling and you weren’t answering.”

Tears welled in her eyes. “I… I…” Her hands flailed at her sides and the emotional release that had been so rudely interrupted by Barton’s appearance returned in full force.

He immediately moved forward, eyes soft, voice softer. “Hey, hey. Now it can’t be that bad.”

“I broke the phone!” She cried out, hands flailing in front of her and miming her frustrations out. “The little metal piece that goes in to charge it broke off and then I couldn’t charge it and none of the other ones would fit in it because I’d broke off the little piece inside and I tried to get it out but then I ended up making it worse because it wouldn’t turn on and I didn’t know how to fix it and then I was talking to Friday and I don’t know who Jarvis is but that woman in the ceiling knows nothing about phone and kept telling me to charge it and I couldn’t and…” She took a deep breath and dissolved into more tears.

“Woah, woah, woah,” Clint cooed, moving her over to one of the kitchen stools. “Sit. Take a deep breath,” he maneuvered away, filling a glass of water while he kept his eyes on her, “In for five, out for five, come on.” He modeled the breathing in front of her, waiting until she’d managed to even hers out before handing her the glass. “Little sips, ok?”

Peggy nodded, and he watched her as she caught her breath. When he seemed satisfied she wasn’t going to hyperventilate, he stepped back around and stirred the simmering paprikash.

She was quiet until she was no more than breathing heavy, swiping at the tears still falling down her cheeks. “I’m sorry. That was… I’m sorry.”

“You know,” he started, almost ignoring her apology, “If I’d been pulled out of green goop and found out it was seventy years later in an entirely new world and my clone had ruined everything I’d try to build, I’d be a little upset, too.” He looked up at her, a half-smile on his face. “No one expects you to understand everything right away.”

She didn’t even have to think about her response. “I do.”

“Yeah, well,” he ladled out the stew into two steaming bowls, “Maybe you should give yourself some slack, too.”

She watched as he slid the bowls over than moved around the counter, gesturing to the seat next to her. “You mind? I won’t get much company the next few days.”

“Not at all,” she whispered, taking the warm bowl in her hands. She breathed in the warm, spicy steam but didn’t move to taste it, instead watching cautiously as Clint started taking heaping mouthfuls.

“You should eat,” he murmured around another spoonful. “You’ll feel better.”

Feeling like a chided child, she took the spoon and dipped it in. She hated to admit that he was right: after a few mouthfuls, she started to feel more like herself. “You must have children,” she said softly. “You were really quite good at stopping that tantrum.”

She noticed immediately the way he stiffened up, the way he carefully didn’t look at her and the way he deliberately took another mouthful of the stew. Peggy didn’t realize that she’d put her foot in her mouth when she’d asked Barton if he was a father. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “It’s none of my business.”

“No,” he replied softly, setting his spoon in the bowl and wiping his mouth off with a napkin. “It’s just….” He turned in his chair, leaning on the counter as he looked at her. “I’ve worked with these people for so long, and not one has ever picked up on that. Five minutes and you’re pinning me down.” He smiled and laughed through his nose, turning back to his stew. “What do ya know.”

Peggy kept her eyes glued to him. “What do you mean?”

He laughed for real this time and turned back to her, smiling. “They used to say that Peggy Carter was sharp as a tack. That she could look at you and know everything about you. But when Shield fell and everything with Zola came to light…” Barton shrugged. “People didn’t seem to tell the war stories anymore. Just kinda, phased Director Carter out of Shield’s history. But here you are, in the flesh, and in less than five minutes you’ve got me pegged.” He laughed lightly again, playing with the spoon in his bowl. “You really are that much larger than life, aren’t you?”

Peggy didn’t really know what to make of all he’d said, she was still catching up with all she’d missed, and had steadfastly stayed away from information on the other her. She shrugged. “I’m just an agent, Mr. Barton. A spy. One that takes pride in her craft.” She pointed at him. “You stayed calm in the face of a crying woman, something that not many men can do, I assure you. But not only that, you moved about and settled the situation without any muss or fuss. You’re kind. And Intuitive. And have clearly dealt with toddlers before.” She laughed a little at the last part. “It’s not a hard jump.”

“Three kids. Two boys and a girl,” he whispered, pride exuding from him. “And I do everything I can to make sure as many people know as little about them as possible so they can stay safe.”

“I’d say that’s a smart move in your line of work,” she replied softly.

“Yeah,” he said, daydreaming as if he could see his children before him. It was a long moment before he turned back to her, his melancholy gone and the confident, nearly hyper man she’d first met back. “Let’s get this cleaned up and I’ll help you get set up with a new phone, ok?” He pulled his out of his pocket and started pressing the glass screen before handing it to her, the rings loud in the quiet space. “But first…”

“Barton?” Steve’s voice carried between them loud and clear.

“Here with Peg, Cap.” He smiled at Peggy. “All is well except for a few technology mishaps and a burnt chicken. I’ll get her all squared away before I head out.” He handed her the phone. “You two chat for a bit while I get all this cleaned up.” He hit another button and Steve’s voice was smaller, coming from the earpiece at the top of the square.

Peggy mouthed a thank you as she pulled the phone up to her ear, stepping away and out of the kitchen, watching as the man moved with a lithe grace to clean up as Steve rambled away in her ear.

She placated him quickly, telling him what had happened and feeling no real comfort at his reassurances that it was okay. She hadn’t been lying when talking to Barton: she expected more of herself. The pace she was moving at seemed far too slow compared to the life she’d led, and she wanted out of the invisible boundaries that constantly popped up and surprised her.

Steve was saying his goodbyes before she knew it, and all too soon she was left with a dark cell phone in her hand the faint noise of Barton moving about the small kitchen. With a deep breath she moved forward, holding his phone out to him. “Thank you.”

His smile was small but sincere. “You’re welcome.” He turned, waving his hand over his shoulder for her to follow him. “There’s always an extra phone or two down in storage, between me and Friday we’ll get it all set up for you.”

She followed him wordlessly to the elevator and slipped in next to him, shoving her hands in her pockets to keep from fidgeting. “I won’t tell,” she blurted out somewhere between floors 28 and 22.

Clint smiled, but didn’t turn his head to look at her. “They all know now, anyway. But I appreciate that.”

“I know how hard it can be,” she nearly whispered, turning her eyes to the numbers instead of his profile, “to find people you can trust. To feel like you’re safe. To feel like you have something of your own.” She nodded. “I won’t tell. Ever.”

The door opened with a soft chime, but he didn’t move to exit, just turned at her and smiled a little. “You really are that good, aren’t you?” He extended his arm and tipped his head, waiting for her to step out of the elevator before he did, quickly moving next to her to lead the way. He stopped at the first storage room and let his fingers fly over the keypad. “You know, I’m glad he has someone.” The door slid open and he disappeared, Peggy rushed to follow as he moved down the shelf lined room. “I’m glad you have someone, too, for that matter. This does get lonely.” He stopped, scanned a shelf, and picked up a box, flipping it in the air theatrically before turning and presenting it to her. “We’re a bit of a mish-mash of misfits. The weird kids.” He shrugged, but didn’t seem all that bothered by his own description, “But if you need a friend? Back-up? There’s no one else I’d want to have my back than these people.”

Clint smiled at her as she took the box. “You’re a part of that now, like it or not. You call, we’ll come running. And once you’re ready, I have no doubts you’d do the same for any of us.”

Peggy looked down at the box then back up at Clint, still standing there smiling at her. She couldn’t help it if her eyes watered a little. “Well, that’s quite the tall order to fill.”

He didn’t answer, just smirked and patted her on the shoulder as he passed her. She watched as he walked back down the hall for a long moment before she ran to catch up, quickly realizing she neither knew how to get back upstairs through the labyrinth of the tower nor how to set up the new phone.

She also had the distinct feeling that somehow, she’d made her first real friend since being in the tower. Someone that saw her, not what she’d been through.

“We’ll start with using a cell phone,” he let his voice ring out in the space, “then we’ll work on being an Avenger.”

Peggy smiled, feeling like that was a feat she might actually be able to accomplish one day now that she knew she had more than just Steve on her side.

#steggyweek21 #steggy bingo bash #3P's Fic

[everbrilliantheartbreaker]

Fanfiction Reader Tag

Tagged by @eyeliner-vampire  ♡ ♡

Fanfiction Reader Tag!

1. When did you start reading Fanfic (How old you were or how long ago)?

When I was probably...11 ish? so like 13 years ago

2. Do you have an AO3 account?

Yeh (LadyWisteria)

3. Do you read WIP (work in progress)? Why or why not?

All the time. I’m not picky about this at all. I’m a simple person. I see fic I think I’ll like? I read. doesn’t matter if it’s finished or not. I’ll make up my own ending til it is lol. also authors need that encouragement. finishing stuff is hard

4. What time of day is your ‘fic reading time’?

Usually late at night (like 1 a.m. and later..much later) but sometimes I’ll waste an afternoon instead (2 p.m. ish til I either have to go to work or I finish the fic)

5. How much time do you spend reading fic per week?

Not remotely as much time as I used, that’s for sure. Anywhere from an hour (if I’m rereading That favorite fic) to 2-4 hours if my friend has sent me a longfic again.

6. Do you listen to podfic (fanfic recorded like an audiobook)?

I...didn’t even know this was a thing tbh, so no. Sounds very neat but also I don’t listen to audio books anymore bcus my attention span re: audio input has gotten so bad over the years I can’t focus for more than a few minutes. 

7. What’s your favorite fic genre to read?

AUs AUs AUs. and fantasy. and fantasy AUs (although good long AU fics are harder to find). I am a very simple person. I see magic mentioned, I read. I also read a lot of romance fic (proving once again that fanfic writing is often better than mainstream original writing, bcus romance is one of my least favorite YA/movie genres). I don’t read as much of them but I also love mystery and paranormal fics

8. Are there any genres that you tend to avoid?

Super angsty no happy ending type stuff. “Major Character Death” is an automatic nope lmao (unless the summary looks reaallyyy interesting or it was recc’d to me). Tragedy is definitely Not my thing

9. What tag(s) do you track?

I don’t track any fic tags (I stopped tracking tags at all since Tumblr changed it from “keeping track of new posts in said tag” to “dropping random posts from that tag into the middle of your dash, and usually the same three”)

10. How do you find new fic?

Nowadays I mostly just read what friends send me or the new stuff a very few writers I follow post, but sometimes I also come across stuff through Twitter or Tumblr and curiosity wins out

11. How do you organize your fic bookmarks?

I..don’t? Is this a thing people do?? If I wanna reread something I either search through my bookmarks by title/author or just. filter by fandom. 

12. Do you subscribe to authors or stories?

Yeh. I only keep up with a very select few of them though. altho part of that is due to several of them being people I followed on fanfic.net years and years ago and never unfollowed, even though our interests may no longer be the same. (the other part is me going “oh I’ll read that later” and then just. never doing it.)

13. What is your favorite fanfic trope?

fake dating and bed sharing are always good

everyone is gay. also Good

14. What kind of plot line are you always here for?

“everything’s the same but they’re soulmates” (oh my god they were soulmates)

mafia AU

MAGIC

I really like in-between scene fics too. the events and character interactions that happen off-screen. I like writing those

15. What can an author do to make you love them?

write about my faves frequently

cool AUs

write about minor characters

good sense of humor

16. What can an author do to make you avoid them?

not into mpreg fics

a/b/o fics make me super wary I usually pass on those, even if the summary looks mildly interesting. they’re rarely if ever done in a way that isn’t rapey and gross

don’t care for fics period that have rapey scenes but you’re supposed to find them romantic

adult/minor ships

characterization is a big deal to me so if I don’t like how they handle the characters, especially faves I probably won’t be back

17. What do kudos mean to you?

when I get one I have a few seconds of “oh someone kinda liked this thing I wrote” and then I carry on about my day >.>;;; (I do appreciate them tho)

18. What kind of commenter are you (No comment, short comment, keyboard smash)?

I don’t comment as often as I mean to or wish I did, but when I do they’re loong comments (I’ve passed the AO3 character limit at least once kshg)

I tend to quote favorite parts and then react to them, and I like to theorize and ask questions about character’s thoughts at a certain part or what author imagines happens before/after the fic

19. Have you ever stopped reading a fic? Why or why not?

Yes. Once because I stumbled into a very sexually explicit fic when that was. Not at all what I was expecting (I was also very young lol), I think there was a very few I quit because they were boring or very poorly written, but most often I “quit” a fic for the same reason I don’t do audio books anymore lmao: because my attention span is sht and my motivation and commitment are extremely fickle things. I either forget or just wander away for a bit and then forget. Often I mean to come back and finish it; it’s just a matter of how long it takes. (I also second hand embarrassed out of a fic so hardcore that it’s been a whole 9 months since I’ve touched it khdfgd)

20. Have you ever read a fic more than once? What is it about that fic that makes you want to read it again?

YES. This requires like a minimum 4 separate posts to really answer but:

Behind Bricks and The Penance of a Killer by Deathbelle

this person is my fricking favorite author ever and these are two of my fricking favorite fics ever, I must’ve reread Behind Bricks 6 or 8 times now and Penance is the BokuAka-centric companion piece to my favorite fic of all time that I always wanted 

Mending Bonds and If the Heart Breaks, Does That Mean There’s No Home? by RussianSunflower3 

Mending Bonds is soft found family fluff centering on a very minor fave of mine and If the Heart Breaks is very angsty found family fluff that also focuses on some minor characters and it always hurts my heart but the ending and the soft middle always heal it right back up (“[Hanamaki] has a heart big enough for everyone in the world, and then some.” ohhhh my godd)

Boiled Frogs by ReginaGalaxia 

this one is. a really hard read centered around emotional abuse and manipulation and hoooo boy it is a rough read especially if you’ve experienced any of that personally but it’s so well written and the character dynamics are great and in its lighter moments it’s fricking hilarious. 

(bits and pieces of) The Roost by Ugglabarn 

 bits and pieces only bcus Roost has a lot of very heavy dark content that I’d have to be in a specific mood to reread the whole thing because it hurts my heart way too much but also it’s one of the best Fukurodani-centric longfics I’ve ever read (PLUS AN AU..!!) and I love love how they write the characters and how much focus there is on the minor members and ships and in its lighter moments Roost is also really funny the most recent chapter was hilarious

Expensive Hotel by Crown_of_Winterthorne

smut. explicit smut. excellent explicit smut with loving polyamorous boyfriends and plenty of consent discussion and kissing. my entire jam right there

Class 1-A Whomst? by Ya_Boi_Hal

this is the funniest chatfic I’ve ever read in my life and the first good chatfic I ever read. absolutely hysterical. also has some really good serious content in the middle and some Aizawa dialogue that punched me right in the feels. 12/10 will read again. sometimes I just randomly say “Mineta whomst??” and cackle to myself

and back in the day it was:

The Flame of Betrayal by DataIntegrationThoughtEntity

I guess traitor! Tahu was a popular trope back when Bionicle fandom was at its peak?? and not everyone liked it apparently but I enjoyed this fic greatly every time I read it it was well written and had interesting OCs and I am actually highly tempted to go reread it again

and Asleep Beneath a Wheat Field by Feline Freak

this was a very peculiar little OC-centric one shot that was also very sad and I don’t know why it grabbed me like it did but I remember rereading it 3 or 4 times at least

21. Do you like sequels?

The fics I like don’t usually come with sequels but The Penance of a Killer is one so Yes

22. Do you like dabbles?

I guess? I haven’t read too many I don’t think but hey, more fic is more fic. Who’s gonna complain about that?

23. What do you wish more fic authors would do?

Write about minor characters more

24. What do you wish more authors would stop doing?

that thing where they latch onto one facet of a character’s personality - or worse, one that fandom made up - and write them as if that’s the only trait they have

25. Do you like one-shots or multi-chapter?

Multi-chapter. I mean both are great obviously but the majority of my faves are multi-chapter and obviously if I like a fic I’m gonna wanna spend as much time in that universe as possible

26. How long do you like chapters to be?

Usually I feel the longer the better. once in a while I’ll hit one that’s so long it’s kind of distracting but extremely rarely

27. What’s your favorite POV (point of view) to read (first, second, third)?

Third

28. What do you think of OC’s?

I didn’t use to care for them very much but as I started reading fic by more advanced writers I found several I really liked. have a very small list of OCs from recent fics I’ve read I would actually kill a man for I love them so much

29. Do you download fic?

No, but seeing as my absolute favorite Bionicle fic vanished off the face of the earth several years ago and I cannot find anything about it an y wh ere sometimes I think about saving my faves. I never got to finish reading that fic and I am absolutely devastated every time I think about it. 

30. Tell me something else about your fic reading! Anything else!

best thing is when my friend and I buddy read a fic and send each other our favorite parts

Tag!

@yaelathewordsmith and @samantha-girlscout  ♡ ♡ ♡

#Toa does a meme #long post #i didn't forget about this i've just been picking at it ever since u tagged me

[keemchijihaeloveswannaone]

Happier

Notes: this story was inspired by the song with the same title by Ed Sheeran, recent dating status of KDN and a real-life story. Dedicated to all fans

PS. This one is a hurried fanfiction in the midst of the heavy traffic so forgive the grammatical errors 😅

————————————————————

I was preparing to go to school for a research when, I got a message from my friend, saying that I should turn on the tv. There, I saw a news about you and her. It seems surreal when I remember seeing you few nights ago.

It's night time yet the moon shines bright. I opted to take a detour in a park near where my friends and I will hang out. I saw you with her. You are hugging her tight. It's been a month since I last saw you in this area with the hiatus and all, I knew you have someone now. Seeing you and her right before my eyes, you look happier. You really do. You two walked in a bar, that's where I will go to. I saw how you talk. She said something that made you laugh. I saw your smile, it's as twice as wide as ours when you were still with me. No one might notice the two of you with the disguise you both have but, I knew it was you. I can tell immediately.

I knew I hurt you like no one can. But, I did that because I love you so much and I don't want to be a distraction in reaching your dreams.

"Daniel, I'm sorry..." I said, not looking at him in the eye fearing that I might able to contain myself. "Y/N please don't... We can do this. We can work this out." You said, pleading for me to stay. "No we can't... You know that being an idol means a lot to you and I can't be in a way to reach your dream. Besides, you deserve someone better, someone like you not just an ordinary girl like me." I said, holding back my tears threatening to spill. "No, I don't need anyone, I just need you! Please Y/N, don't leave me. I love you." You said, trying to hugging me tightly.

I resisted and push you away. "I no longer love you please let's stop this. I'm done with this relationship." I said as I walked away

Honestly, I won't take it personal if you are moving on with someone new, someone like her because, you are happier. My phone rang and it's Seongwu. "Hey..." he greeted. "What's up?" I asked even though I knew what's this all about. "You saw the news right? I just want to make sure you're ok." He said. "Yes I am Seongwu, don't worry about it." I said, trying to hide the truth by pretending to be happy. "You'll find someone else so, cheer up, Y/N" he said. "I guess so, by the way you're filming right? Let's just talk later ok? Fighting Seongwu-ya!" I said, changing the subject. "Ya! Y/N wait..." I heard Ong Seongwu said before I hang up.

I sat here in the corner of my room, it reminds me of the days I had with you. Every little thing in this house reminded me of you. I walked to the kitchen and got a bottle of water. I saw a bottle of wine, I'm never a drinker but, I always kept a bottle of wine in case you drop by and want a drink. However, there's no longer you so, I picked it up and placed it on a bag to give out to my friends. "You're happier, aren't you?" I told myself.

I know no one dared to hurt you than I did. You are the nation's number one. You deserve another person who can always be by your side. That someone isn't me even though, you're the one I need the most yes, I'm still in love with you.

"Y/N-ah are you ok?" Seongwu asked. For a moment, I thought it was you. "What are you doing here? Did he send you here?" I asked back. "No, I came here on my own. I already know he's miserable but, he has the other members however, you're all alone so, as you bestest pal, I came here and as expected, you never let anyone see you cry." He said. He's lying, I know you send him here. "Did they forced you to break up with him?" He asked and took your silence as a yes. "You know you don't have to do that? Who cares about their opinion. Y/N fight for him please, don't leave him. He's miserable like you so please come back." Seongwu said, holding your hand. "Please, Daniel loves you and he need you right now, he's been crying and hurting too." He pleaded. It's all my fault that you are crying. "I can't. They are right, Daniel is at peak of his career and I cannot be his side any longer. He deserves someone like you guys, an idol who can understand him more than I do. He deserves every good thing in this world and I'm not one of them." You said. "Is that what you wanted? Do you love him?" He asked. "It doesn't matter Seongwu. This is what it supposed to be there's no room for what I wanted." I said. It hurt but, I have to bear it. "Ok, that's your decision and I, your best Ong friend, will respect that. I hope you'll be happy." He said, trying to cheer you up. "Yeah, someday I will."

But, I guess I will never be fine. Seeing you looking smiling with her by your side, hurts so much. I could only pretend a smile to hide the truth because I know, you're my only happiness.

All this time, I know you'll fall for someone new. Someone who can stand by your side more than I could.

Baby you look happier, you do

I knew one day you'd fall for someone new and she'll mean the whole world to you.

It’s the day of your last concert and its been a while since I saw my favorite boygroup with you in it. I braced myself and went to the venue. I blend with the crowd so no one from the staffs and the Wanna One's family, including yours will know. I saw how broken you all are in this event. You never wanted to be part with your brothers. You cried the hardest, was this how you did when we broke up? I thought as I wipe a tear I shed.

The night had ended. I prepared to leave the venue with a heavy heart like other fans did, at least, that's what I'm trying to tell myself, I knew clearly it's not the case. "Ms. Y/N." A staff said, I recognized her as one of the people in the company I used to see whenever I visit you back then. "Hi, it's been a while, Ms. Yuna." I greeted. "Can you please not tell anyone especially the members that I'm here." I said. "Actually... About that Kang Daniel-ssi wants to see you, he asked me to call you." She said. You knew I attended the concert, I still wonder how did you managed to know it.

I let her lead me to where you are. I know I should runaway but, I my hearts screamed to go where you are for one last time. She lead me to an empty waiting room, telling me to wait for you. In a few minutes, you are there right in front of me. "Y/N" you said. It sounded so sweet in my ears yet it felt bitter. "It's been a while." I manage to say. "Yes it was, it's been a year." You said. "Yeah..." I said, not daring to look at you. I feel my tears forming around my eyes. "How are you?" You asked. Sitting right in front of me. "I'm ok. What about you?" I asked, as I regained my control of my emotions. "I cried a lot, I'm gonna miss Wanna One for sure. You saw that right? How uncool." He joked lightly. I try to smile not letting you see my real emotions. "Yeah I did. You're still cool. I'm KDN stan after all." I jokingly said., humoring myself to prevent my tears to fall. "How did you know I am here?" I asked. "I just know you're going. So I asked the staff to look out for you." You said with all sincerity. "Why?" I asked again. You smiled as you kneel down in front of me. "I just want to see you maybe to have a closure." You said, grabbing a hold of my hand. "Y/N I know that we can't be together and you don't feel the same but, in my heart still beats for you. And if I ever, love someone else please know that I will never love anyone else as much as I love you." You said, my tears that I'm holding back were getting out of control. It fell the moment you said those words. You wiped my tears and smile, that beautiful smile I always love. "Why are you crying?" You laughed. Your hand still on my cheek "Because, Kang center is being cringy, it made my tears fall." I joked. "Silly kid but, I'm serious. You'll always be in my heart no matter." You said, messing up my hair. "I'm sorry. I hurt the nation's center." I said, another tears threatening to fall. "Aye... Stop crying Y/N." You said, bumping our foreheads together. "Don't cry, it makes me feel sad seeing you like that. I don't want seeing my number 1 fangirl cry." You said. You placed a kiss on my temple and held it there. We went out of the waiting room and you walked me out of the venue. You were holding my hand the whole time. I let you be and I stay silent the whole time, not trusting myself to utter a word because I know, my heart would speak before my mind and I will opted to stay with you. "So this is goodbye." You said. "Yeah it is." I replied. You pulled me again in your arms. I hugged you back this time for one last time. You pulled back and you place a hand on my chin, you lift my face up and place a kiss on my lips. You hugged me tighter not wanting to let go but, I knew we must because you are no longer mine. I responded to your kisses and tomorrow I'll try to forget you, I'll try to move on. We broke apart. "Y/N I said it before but, I'll repeat it again. I love you and my love for you will never be replaced." You said. "It's getting late, you should go." You said. "Yeah uhh... Thanks. For walking with my on my way out. I guess I'll see you around, Kang-ssi." I said, smiled at him and waved goodbye.

It's been 6 months since then, this news isn't new to me anymore I knew the moment I saw you few nights ago but, it still hurts hearing this news. I couldn't cry anymore, I could not feel anything. I might be in dazed the whole time not to notice my phone's blowing up with messages the whole time. I grabbed my phone from my bed and see the members messages, my friends and there's one from your mom but what had caught me is yours.

I hurried out of the house to my university. I saw you waiting on our usual spot unknown to most people "You never changed schedules after all these years. Today is still your off from school yet, you have research to finish, am I right?" You said as you walked to where I am. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at your company?" You asked. "I know but, I figured I should see you first." You said. "Why?" I asked. "I just want to tell you something but, I guess the media beat me to that." You said. "You don't have to, Daniel. I kinda know about you and her, I saw you at a bar few nights ago. I'm glad you found her, she seem nice, you deserve Jihyo." I said. "Yes, I'm glad I met her. I really want to tell you about her last time but, I'm not sure of anything that time, she's just a friend and we kinda happened after the concert." You said, scratching the back of your head. "I see. Does she make you happy?" I asked. "She does." You answered. I can see the sincerity in your eyes. "Well then, that's enough for me." I saw you were surprised by what I said as we seated on a bench at the back of the school building. "Say... You will support me right? You will always believe me?" You asked. "It depends on how well behave you are, choding." I teased, lightly to ease off this uncertain feeling. "Ya! I'm not choding, you mean kid. I'm taller than you." You protested, I laughed at your childishness. "Yeah yeah, whatever you say." I said to make him stop whining. "So, what will you say?" You said, waiting for an answer. "What?" I asked. "Will you trust and support me?" You repeated. "I will, I'm your fan, you knew that." I answered. "No, not as a fan as someone permanently dear in my heart?" You said. "Of course I will, you asked for it after all." I said with a small laugh. "Thanks it means a lot to me." You said. "It should matter, I'm you number 1 fan after all." I joked, nudging him playfully before standing up. "I'll support you no matter what. As long as it'll make you happy but, if she ever break your heart like lovers do, just know that I am here waiting for you." I said, playfully with a wink to mask my real feelings. "I gotta go now, see you around!" I said as I walked away from you trying to hide the pain as I let you go completely.

"But I guess you look happier, you do

My friends told me one day I'll feel it too

I could try to smile to hide the truth

But I know I was happier with you" - Ed Sheeran (Happier)

#wanna one scenario #kang daniel imagines #wanna one imagines #kang daniel scenario

[lindseyluvsdrag]

Scorned Bridges Ch. 1

Fourth Installment of my OMC series. If you need to catch up before reading this, you can do so here (X) but I have a few “clips” in there to refresh ya memories ;)

Thanks for the patience guys, I hope you enjoy it :) Ignore any typos!

TW: Suicide Ideation, SMUT

Dressed in his favorite beanie, hoodie and ripped up jeans, Matt approached the doors of the elegant venue but was stopped by security.

“Sir, this is a black tie event.” “This event can suck my-” “Matt!” Jason squealed excitedly as he made his way over. “What are you wearing?” “Clothes,” he sassed. The brunette rolled his eyes. “Did you seriously come to a charity event dressed like that?” “This is for charity?” “Ugh, yeah. Did you read the full invitation?” “No,” he admitted, only slightly embarrassed as his anger outweighed anything else. “Well, yes. Due to my recent epiphany, I just want to do better things with my life. This is a charity event I put together to benefit kids struggling with disabilities, kids who have been abused, kids who feel neglected…all of this was in the invitation. If you didn’t want to come then you shouldn’t have, rather than showing up with an attitude.” Before Matt could reply, his stomach contorted in knots when he witnessed his ex-boyfriend cross the room. “What’s Apollo doing here?” “I invited him to speak.” Matt narrowed his eyes at his ex-husband. “What are you up to?” “What do you mean?” “I see you all over Instagram with this guy, who’s not even that cute, and now all of a sudden you’re throwing charity events and inviting Apollo? What the hell is going on?” “First of all, what’s on my or anyone else’s Instagram is none of your business. Daniel owns Understood, a nonprofit organization that provides help to parents of kids who have learning and attention issues. I reached out to him and we decided to collaborate. I wanted to include kids who have been abused so we can raise money for all of them. Apollo is a well known model with dyslexia who can bring awareness to the fact that so many kids are dropping out of school because they’re made feel stupid when they aren’t. So that’s my goal tonight and if you feel like being an asshole, please save it for someone else.” The rant left Matt feeling so shitty that he debated turning on his heel and leaving but he had a bigger heart than that. “Jason, I’m really sorry. If you’ll let me, I’ll come in and support wholeheartedly.” The brunette smiled. “Even if you’ll stick out like a sore thumb with that sock on your head?” “I’ll check my ego at the door.” “Thank you,” he said softly. “Let him in.” The burly security guard stepped to the side and allowed the man to enter. “I want you to introduce you to someone. Hey, Daniel,” the brunette called. “No,” Matt whispered in protest. “Ugh, this is gonna be so awkward.” “Yeah?” the bright eyed man replied. “This is Matt, the ex-husband you’ve heard so much about. Matt this is Daniel.” “It’s so nice to meet you,” he said, tone effortlessly charming. “Likewise,” Matt said dryly. “He’s also the one that called you trade.” Matt wanted to punch the brunette in the arm for that, but to his surprise, Daniel cackled. “Oh my God, that’s amazing. I wish.” The man raised an eyebrow. “Aren’t you guys hooking up?” Jason folded his arms and gave Matt a look as he waited for the satisfaction he’d receive from Daniel’s answer. “Nooooo,” he assured. “We were super close in school but after that we just kinda lost touch. I missed his crazy ass but not that much.” Jason gave his friend a playful shove. “Besides,” Daniel continued as he raised his left hand. “I’m happily married.” “Oh…” Matt’s face made Jason smirk. “‘If you’re trying to make me jealous it isn’t working’,” the brunette mocked. The man turned bright crimson. “Well it didn’t.” Jason leaned in to whisper in his ear. “I’m glad because I’m beyond these childhood games. If I was fucking someone, you’d never know it…darling.” The glacial way that the brunette spoke made the hair on the back of his neck stand up. “We’d better get going,” Daniel said as he checked his watch. “Okay,” Jason chirped. “Later, Egghead.” “Later,” was his barely audible reply as he watched the man make his way towards the stage. Matt shook whatever the unknown emotion he was experiencing off and began to make his way towards the decadently decorated tables. He didn’t see any familiar faces until he spotted Apollo seated at a table that was full minus the seat next to the model. The man took a deep breath and made his way over. When Apollo made eye contact with him, his smile was bittersweet. “Is this seat taken?” Matt asked. “I don’t think so,” he said quietly. The man had no idea how much he’d missed the heavy Greek accent until now as he pulled out the chair and sat down. “You look great.” “Thanks…and so do you. Especially if you were going to the park.” “Yeah… I wish I could blame the fashion choice on a misunderstanding, but it really was me just being a jerk. I’m ready to own up to my mistakes and be that man again. Ya know?” Apollo nodded. “I’m sorry for not making you more of a priority…but like the amazing guy that you are, you went on to achieve something most of us dream about. You’re a true inspiration.” Apollo’s smile was soft. “Thank you.” “And I hope that you can forgive me.” “I do,” the man assured. Matt wanted to say more but Daniel’s tapping of the microphone on the podium made him hold his tongue. “Is this thing on?” he joked. “Hello everyone and thank you so much for coming out to support such an amazing event. We all know that kid who may struggle with learning, fitting in or accepting themselves and maybe you are that kid. As someone with ADHD, growing up was really tough; being misunderstood or mistaken for this being this burden on everyone would always upset me, so I made it my dream to help kids just like me. That’s why I founded Understood. To help parents better communicate with their children, because change starts in the home,” he said, finishing with a warm smile. “Thank you.” After everyone showered him in a hefty applause, Daniel spoke again. “Our next speaker will be Jason Dardo.” The brunette swiftly took the stage and his spot in front of the podium. “Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I’ll keep it short and sweet because there’s gonna be an amazing after party once we’re done.” The audience chuckled. “In addition to loving, everything that the Understood foundation stands for, I just wanted to bring awareness to children who are being abused and feel like they have no voice. They get to school and tell their teacher that they 'fell down’ or 'they were playing too hard’ out of sheer fear of retaliation from the ones who should love them the most: their families. So I want to add a new division to the Understood foundation that travels across the country, school to school, educating teachers of the warning signs and educating kids that love should never hurt.” His words were met with thunderous applause. Jason grinned and pulled a massive key from underneath the podium, urging Daniel to return to the stage. “This is the key to the new Understood rec center that is going to be opening in downtown Brooklyn. A place where kids can come and get help or just to have fun. I plan to have one placed in every major city across this country and I won’t stop until I do. Deal?” With tears in his eyes Daniel nodded and pulled Jason into a hug. The brunette kissed his cheek before turning towards the podium once more. “I honestly don’t think any of this will be possible without the face of the century, Apollo Katsopolis!” The model had a warm smile as he pushed himself away from the table and towards the stage. “Thank you for coming,” Jason told him as they embraced. “Thank you for having me.” Apollo graciously stood in front of the podium. “I’ll have to admit that I’m a little nervous. You’d think that someone who poses nude all the time would have more if a backbone but I don’t. Growing up I wished that I had a support system like Understood because it would’ve brought an end to the bullying, crying myself to sleep and the feeling of being so worthless that I wanted to end my own life. But I took those same emotions and channeled it into proving all the voices of people who doubted me wrong. And I want to use the platform that I’ve been blessed with to bring awareness to kids just like me. Dyslexia is not the disability,the voice in your head telling you that you can’t is. Thank you.” A little emotional from finally opening up and allowing himself to feel free for the first time in his life, Apollo quickly turned to leave the stage but Jason stopped him. “You are a big part of why tonight had to happen. What I did to you represents what happens to millions of kids everyday and it has to stop. So on behalf of you, me and Understood, I’ll be donating one hundred million dollars to schools across America and Greece to get more help for kids with dyslexia and other learning disabilities.” Apollo couldn’t hold back his tears any longer and broke down, but he wasn’t the only one. There wasn’t a dry eye in the place and the person who was the most moved was Matt. The man realized that he had to do better and that nothing should hold him back from achieving his goals. He couldn’t let any more opportunities pass him by and as the speakers left the stage, he chased after the man that he knew he couldn’t live without. “Hey,” Matt panted when he caught up to him. “Hey,” he replied. “Your speech was amazing.” “Thank you.” There was an awkward silence before Matt decided to just stop beating around the bush. “From the moment that I saw you, I knew that you were the one for me. Everything about you, enhances everything about me and I am dangerously in with you. From pizza to every Queen album, nothing in my life is complete until I’ve shared it with you,” he sniffled. “And I want you to be mine again.” The man smiled. And with tears streaming down his face he pulled Matt close until their lips connected in a passionate kiss. “I love you.” “Forever starts today, babe.” ---

Matt wiped the lens of his camera with his shirt before placing the viewfinder to his eye as he pointed it towards his lover.

“What are you doing?” the man grumbled from the bed.

“Capturing art,” he replied as he took a picture, then another.

The man covered his face with the blanket. “It's too early.”

“But you look so beautiful when you first wake up,” Matt protested. He grabbed the edge of the comforter, pulled it away and continued to take pictures.

He giggled. “Would you go away?”

“Nope,” Matt chirped as he straddled the man and zoomed into the his nose.

“Moró!” Apollo boomed with laughter. “I’m not that attractive.”

“You are to me.” Matt leaned down and kissed his boyfriend.

“Mmm,” he hummed. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

They kissed.  

“Are we ordering in today or would you like to go out to eat for my last day before I go back to work?” Apollo asked.

Matt rocked his hips against his lover's groin. “Ordering in.”

Apollo let out a lusty exhale. “You read my mind.” He pulled Matt down into a kiss before helping the man out of his shirt and then boxers. After he was stripped down to nothing, Apollo guided Matt's waist to his face and took his dick into his mouth.

Matt gripped the top of the headboard in order to steady himself while Apollo worked his mouth up and down his shaft.

“Fuck, babe.”

The model took the praise in stride as he encouraged Matt to balance himself so that he could slip his fingers into him while still worshipping his dick with his mouth.

Matt giggled as he held on tighter to the headboard. “I'm gonna falllllllll.”

Apollo secured one arm around Matt's waist for added security while he deep throated his boyfriend's shaft and fingered his ass.

“Oh my God,” he moaned.

When Matt's dick was finally rock hard and oozing precum, Apollo rolled them over so that his lover's back was against the feather down mattress topper. The man took his time to leave a trail of gentle kisses from Matt's neck to navel before pushing his thighs towards his chest so that his mouth could have unobstructed access to his ass. He gave it firm licks and paired with two stroking fingers followed by a third, it had Matt moaning within no time.

“Mmmm, yes. Right there, baby,” Matt encouraged as he ran his fingers through Apollo's hair.

The model went on for several minutes, making sure that Matt was prepped and ready for everything that he had in store for him. He pulled out the last condom that they'd been reduced to after spending days sequestered in the bedroom. After Jason's charity event, the couple rushed to Matt's place in order to make up. And makeup. And makeup.

Apollo smeared a generous amount of lube onto Matt's hole and his own dick before pulling Matt close by the thighs.

“Eísai étoimos, moró?” he asked to see if his lover was ready.

“Nai agápi mou,” Matt responded after asking Apollo how to say ‘yes, my love’ in Greek awhile back.

Despite choppy dialect and having emphasis on the wrong syllables, Apollo thought that the man's attempt to speak his language was beautiful.

“You're so damn sexy,” he exhaled with lusty, hooded eyes.

Matt pulled the man down into a kiss and as they made out, Apollo took the opportunity to press his cock against his lover's entrance. Matt was tense for only a second before relaxing and allowing the man to slide his full length inside of him. No matter how many times they made love, Matt always needed to adjust to having Apollo fill him up and the man's tender kisses always seemed to help.

When he was ready Matt always braced himself by wrapping his arms around Apollo's back and the man took this as a cue to begin thrusting. Apollo always started off slow to make sure that his lover was okay. When Matt's expressions went from questioning to lusty or when Matt just demanded to be fucked harder, the man would pick up speed. Apollo pushed his lover's thighs closer to his chest, adjusting the angle so that he could have prime access to Matt's prostate. When he found it, Matt quivered in pleasure.

“Fuck,” he yelped out. “Harder, baby, please.”

Apollo always saw this as a personal challenge. He pinned Matt into the position even tighter and began to pound into the man's ass.

With each thrust, Matt whimpered out in pleasure. And when his toes began to curl, he knew exactly whose name to call.

“Apollooo,” he moaned. “You’re so good, fuck! I'm gonna cum.”

Apollo firmly gripped Matt's dick in his strong hand. “Not yet,” he ordered as he slowed his thrusts.

“Babyyyy,” Matt whined but Apollo quickly silenced him with a kiss. After a minute, Apollo released Matt's dick and began to thrust again.

“I hate edging,” Matt panted.

“You always say that until you have the best orgasms.”

He giggled. “True. But yo-” Matt squealed when Apollo pulled out and flipped him over onto his hands and knees.

“You hate edging, huh?”

Matt’s knees buckled when Apollo thrust right into him. He grabbed his lover by the waist and used it as leverage to relentlessly pound his ass.

“Yes, I hate it! I just wanna cum!” Matt declared.

“Oh, I'll make you cum,” Apollo assured. He gripped Matt's hair and gave it a firm tug as he continued to passionately fuck his lover.

Matt didn't have announce when he was about to cum, but the light tremor of his limbs let Apollo know that he'd done his job.

“Shit,” Matt moaned as a load of cum leaked out of his dick and onto the sheets.

Apollo pulled out and flipped Matt back over onto his back. Matt gestured for the man to come closer and when he did, he removed the condom and took his lover's cock into his mouth.

Matt deep throated Apollo's dick until Apollo exploded. The man swallowed every drop of the man's load until Apollo flopped onto the bed next to his lover.

“You're so perfect,” the model said as he pulled him close.

Matt lifted his camera and took another picture of the man. “No, you are.”

---

Jake pounded on Jason's door for the third time that day. “Hey, Jason! Whatta I need to do, take out a billboard to get my jacket back?! It's Dolce and Gabbana and I want it back!”

“Go away!” the man shouted from the other side.

“Give me my jacket and then I will!”

Jason didn't reply.

“You know what?” Jake grumbled as he rounded the building until he found the fire escape. He gave himself a silent yes when he discovered that the careless man had left the window unlocked. He opened it and made his way inside. “Jason! I'm getting my jacket!” Jake declared before the stench of warm alcohol, rotten food and horrendous body order hit his nose. “What the fuck is that smell, bro?!”

The man made his way out of the guest room down to the living room where he saw Jason sprawled out on the couch. With stained clothes, matted hair, a full beard and surrounded by trash, the man looked as if he hadn't moved from that spot in weeks.

“Dude, is that you that smells like that?” Jake wheezed.

“Get...out,” Jason snarled.

“Where is my jacket?”

The man didn't respond.

“Okay, I guess whatever's in your closet is up for grabs then.”

“Go ahead... I don't need it anymore.”

Jake began to make his way towards the bedroom but he stopped, gagged on the deep breath he took and turned around. “What's wrong with you?”

“I just don't...want...to live.”

“Why? You had that amazing charity event a few weeks ago. You're doing great things for kids across the country.”

“You think I actually care about that stuff?” Jason retorted. “I only did all of that because you told me that if I got my shit together, Matt would want to take me back.”

Jake made a face. “I said that?”

“Yes! At Max's wedding!”

***

“Heyyy Jakey-Pooo,” Jason slurred as he threw his arms around the lonely man at the bar. Jake cackled. “Um, hi? What the fuck did you drink?” “Vintage Merlotttt. It’s my favoriteeeeee.” “Well that’s good I’m glad you’re having a good time,” he said as he slid out of the uncomfortable embrace. “Are you having funnnn?” “Yeah…I couldn’t bring myself to have those drinks I mentioned earlier, but I had a tea and the music is really good.” “Goodddd. Okay so listen,” he slurred. “What’s up?” “Matthew James Lent, my heart, is with another man and I need youuuu to tell himmm that I’m pregnant so he can come back to me.” Jake suppressed his laughter. “Is that so? How far along are you?” “I’m gonna have this baby any day now and he needs to be there for ussss.” “I’ll be sure to pass on the message.” “Thank youuuu,” he said as he threw his arms around the other man once again. Jake politely pushed himself away. “I’m gonna go smoke a cigarette and then probably head out to the airport.” “You wanna know a secret?” the brunette whispered. The man exhaled. “Sure, Jason.” “I think Max should’ve married youuuu.” “I think you must’ve put a little crack in your wine. I’m not gonna be somebody’s secret.” “He didn’t mean it like thatttt.” “Okay. Well I appreciate your opinion. Now you wanna know a secret?” “Mm hmmm.”

“I think Matt is so weak for you that he’s really struggling with not just giving everything up to be with you again. But he’s trying to hold out as long as possible in hopes that you get your shit together.”

Jason gasped. “I willllll I promiseeeee.”

***

“And I fucking did!” he shouted. “He was supposed to come back to me but instead he's a betraying asshole!”

Jake held his nose when the nauseating smell of Jason's breath reached him on the other side of the the room. “How's he betraying you?”

“We made vows, damnit!”

“Yeah, before you divorced him.”

“But even after all of that, he himself told me that if I got my shit together that we'd get back together!”

***

“You don’t get to just be an asshole and then come back when it’s convenient for you. I’ve had it, Jason. You seriously need to work on yourself before I’d ever consider being with you again. Until then, please don’t contact me.” Matt wanted to hang up then and there, but he couldn’t before he said the next part. “And don’t do anything stupid. Try not to be so clumsy…don’t put metal in the microwave…if you take an Uber with a sketchy driver, have pepper spray handy, okay?” At this point, the brunette was bawling his eyes out. “But Matt,” he pleaded. “I gotta go. Take care of yourself, Pumpkin.” Once he heard the dial tone, Jason buried his face into his pillow and cried himself to sleep.

***

“Jason, Matt called me that night and he said that he'd only consider getting back with you if you got your shit together. That was no promise.”

“It's still so fucked up!” the brunette sobbed. “I want him back!”

“Well...Matt is happy with Apollo so I can't help you with that.”

Jason grabbed the nearest sharp object and placed it to his own neck. “I can't live without him!”

Jake made a face. “Is that a spork?”

“Yes! And I'm not afraid to use it!”

The man chuckled. “Okay, Princess. Where is my jacket?” He turned and made his way to Jason's bedroom. Jake quickly sifted through the designer garments but when he didn't see his jacket, he decided that Jason's Versace coat would be an equal trade off. He grabbed it off of it's hanger. “This better be of equal or greater value,” he ordered as he made his way back to the living room.

The couch was empty and Jason was nowhere in sight.

“Jason?”

Jake heard faint shouting coming from the back of the house.

“Don't do it!” a stranger pleaded. “I'm sure you have a lot more to live for!”

“I don't!” Jason shouted back.

Jake rushed towards where the voices where emanating from and ended up on the fire escape yet again just to find Jason teetering on the edge of the guard rail.

“Jason...what...are you...doing?” Jake calmly asked.

“I don't want to live anymore, Jake. My family hates me, Matt hates me, Miss Vanjie went home first- I have nothing to live for!”

“Jason... nobody hates you and we were all upset that Miss Vanjie…” the man fought the urge to say it twice more, “when she went home. But dude, you live on the fifth floor, if you fall, that will kinda hurt.”

“I want it to hurt. I want to die,” he sniffled.

“But what about all the things you have to live for? Um...ugh...what the fuck do you like?”

“Nothing!”

“Pfft, I know you like sex. If you're dead, nobody will top you. Well, I mean, some people may be into that but it only gets them off and not you because ya know…” he made a cracking sound as he stuck out his tongue and rolled his eyes to the back of his head.

“I don't want anyone but Matt topping me anyway! And he won't anymore so fuck it!”

“Okay, well what about Max? He needs you.”

“Unlike me, he's happily married.”

Jake scoffed. “Dude, are you coming in or not? I'll call Matt right now and tell him that you're talking nonsense.”

“Good. Tell him that I'll always love him and I'll miss him,” Jason sniffled. “And…”

Jason trailed off as Jake checked his watch. “Look, I have a shoot in 20, can we wrap this up?”

The disheveled brunette took a deep breath. “Okay, I'm ready.”

Jake rolled his eyes and finally decided to grab the man and pull him back to safety. Jason's protests and flailing arms wafted the strong body odor directly into Jake's nostrils.

“Holy shit,” Jake said with a gag. “On second thought, just go ahead and jump. You already smell like a four day old corpse.”

“What do you think I was trying to do, asshole?!” Jason shouted as attempted to return to the guard rail but Jake firmly grasped his arm.

“Get your weird ass inside. I can't let you jump because cops would question me and if cops questioned me, I'd miss my photoshoot and if I miss my photoshoot, I'd lose money and if I lose money, I'd bring you back from the dead just to kill you again. Now go, get inside,” he ordered.

Jason grumbled under his breath.

“Okay, shall I call Matt and tell him that you smell like an extra from the walking dead?”

“No!”

“Then get your sour ass in the house!”

Like a toddler, Jason stomped and marched back into the home. Jake waited for the sour waft of air to fade before following the man.

“You seriously need to shower.”

“There's no point,” Jason groaned as he made his way back to couch. He flopped down, sending debris of trash and stale food around him.

“Whatever,” the other man retorted. “Do what you want, you won't get Matt back regardless. You smell like shit and you haven't even genuinely changed.”

Jason frowned.

“Bye, dude.”

After Jake made his exit, Jason sat up and grumbled as he wiped his eyes. He pushed himself off of the couch and entered the bathroom and turned the shower. The man peeled off his clothes and stepped underneath the hot cascade.

Jason's phone buzzed from the other room. When it went to voicemail, Sofia began to speak.

“Hey, Jason...it's your sister. I know it's been months since we've last spoken but...you need to come to Atlanta soon...it's Vinny.”

---

Jason's heart pounded against his chest as he slowly made his way up the limestone steps of the Atlantean mansion. He slowly entered and was instantly flooded with nostalgia when he saw the carrera marble pillars that he used to peak behind during hide and seek.

“Hello?” he called. When the man's voice echoed through the house, the sound of small pitter patter steps came rushing towards him.

Jason gasped. “Hi, Scout!” The man scooped up his nephew in his arms and kissed his cheek. “How are you, buddyyyy?”

“Good! How's you?”

“I'm good! Oh my God, you've grown so much.” Jason kissed his cheek again just as his sister rounded the corner.

“Hey, Jay,” she quietly greeted.

“Hey,” the man responded. “Where is he?”

“Downstairs...he refuses to go to the hospital.”

“What's wrong with him?”

“I don't know but he's always coughing and so weak all the time. I threw a party recently and he could barely keep up with the planning.”

Jason frowned. “How long has this been going on?”

“About a month.”

“Why didn't you call me?”

“Jay, you wanted nothing to do with either of us. We tried reaching out- you missed my wedding.”

The man turned away. “You guys broke my heart. You lied to me!”

“And we tried everything to fix it!”

“I lost Matt! There was no fixing that, Sofia!” The man quickly became emotional so Scout wrapped his arms around his uncle's neck.

“No cry. Bad mama!” he chastised.

Sofia scoffed and sucked back her own tears.

“Mio figlio!” Vinny excitedly greeted as he made his way to the foyer. He was pale and had clearly lost a significant amount of weight. His usually effervescent personality seemed to be toned down to a mild state.

Jason quickly rushed over to the man that he'd seen as a father figure for his entire life and threw his arms around him.

“Chokey!” Scout declared as he slide out of the embrace before teetering over to his mother.

“Vinny, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, mio figlio. I'm just so happy to see you.”

“No, you're not fine, Vinny,” Sofia retorted. “I called Jason because I know you're sick.”

“Mia figlia, having allergies hardly counts as being sick these days. The show must go on.”

“Allergies?” Jason asked.

Vinny grabbed Jason's shoulders. “Allergies,” he assured.

The brunette sighed in relief.

“Why would you need chemotherapy for allergies?” Sofia continued.

Vinny loudly exhaled. “My dear, you are mistaken. I've had no chemotherapy.”

“So...you're okay?” Jason asked again.

“Yes.”

He turned to his sister. “He's fine, Sofia.”

“If you want to buy his bullshit then that's on you. But remember that he was there when you signed your divorce papers so if you're going to continue to be mad at me then you have to be mad at him too.”

“I'm mad at both of you.”

Vinny frowned. “What can be done to fix this?”

Jason shrugged.

“I'll throw a party! A big celebration of you, mio figlio. I want you to see how you are appreciated.”

“Whatever,” the man grumbled.

“I'll get started on it right away,” he said excitedly. Vinny turned on his heel, obviously too quickly as evidenced by the way he became light-headed. The man desperately searched for the nearest wall to cling to for support.

“Are you okay?” Jason asked, clear worry in his tone.

Vinny closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths before answering. “I'm fine. Just a little dizzy.”

Jason frowned and looked at his sister who gave him the 'told you so’ look.

“Don't worry, mio figlio. I'll throw you the biggest party Atlanta has ever seen.”

“Vin, I don't want a party.”

“Senza Senso! You need a party! There will be cake and music and wine and guests! Maybe I can get Matthew to come.”

“I- ...you think he'd come?”

Sofia rolled her eyes.

“Maybe,” Vinny replied.

“And you promise you're okay?”

“Pinky promise,” the man assured.

“Okay,” Jason sighed. “I'll take a party.”

“Urrà!” This time, Vinny was careful to not move too fast as he made his way back to his office to make plans.

“If you can't see that he's sick then you're fucking blind,” Sofia said accusingly.

“He said that he's fine,” Jason practically hissed. “Now if you're done, I'm going to the Ritz.”

“Why are you staying at a hotel? You know our house is nicer than any hotel.”

“I know but-”

“Jason go bye bye?” Scout asked, expression a frown.

The man sighed. “No, Scouty I'll stay.”

The toddler cheered as he wiggled out of his mother's arms so that he could rush to his uncle. Jason picked him up and kissed his cheek.

“It'll be just like old times,” Sofia said.

Jason's mind instantly flooded with traumatic memories of staying in the house.

“Welcome home.”

>>>

#pearlet fanfiction #pearlet #omc verse #scorned bridges fic

[ejmcmoon]

HP and the Birthday Weekend: HBP Reaction

So I’ve been doing reactions for Freeform’s HP marathon. Freeform is skipping OotP, so here’s HBP (stupid Freeform). If you don’t want spoilers, don’t read.

Poor Harry. He looks so sad while his picture’s being taken. Poor kid needs a break.

I’ve always found it weird that the Death Eaters can fly without brooms. In the books, only Voldy and Snape can do it. Here it seems like they just add it for flashy effects.

Lol Dumbles is like “Forget the pretty girl and take my arm.”

Slughorn is so damn Extra. He fucking destroyed the place so that it looks like he’s already attacked. What a drama queen.

“I do love knitting patterns” Dumbledore is the embodiment of gay stereotypes and I’m not sure whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

YASSS the twins’ joke shop!

“How much is this?” “Five galleons” “How much for me?” “Five galleons” “I’m your brother” “Ten galleons” I LOVE THESE TWo

When Fenrir Greyback almost saw the trio spying on the Malfoys in Borgin&Burkes, I got literal CHILLS

GINNY’S SO CUTE WITH HER PYGMY PUFF

Honestly,  I don’t understand why Romione (especially Ron) don’t think Malfoy is a death eater. After all the animosity between them and Malfoy, I think they’d be a little suspicious Malfoy.

DRACO STOP BEING A BITCH

Lo Flitwick is being petty af 

Luna’s great. “No but I’ve done several toes. How different can they be, really?”

Hermione gets mad at Ron for eating while  Harry’s missing, but honestly I would be too. It’d be more like stress eating, but still.

Draco looks so depressed my poor bby

Minnie ain’t got time for that slacking off shit lmao. Also, I feel so bad for Ron. People always sideline him for Harry

OMGS SEAMUS IS StILL BLOWING UP SHIT

Okay, but the potions lesson scene is the one time where Hermione’s hair is as frizzy as should be. Smh

Ugh, NO DUMBLES. Harmione is NOT a thing. It’s all about Hinny and Romione.

I really wish they’d shown more of Voldy’s memories. They were really important plot points.

Whose decision was it to make Draco consistently have a green apple? Not that it’s bad but I’d just like to know which department instigated the Drapple fandom.

“SHUT IT” The one part where Movie Ginny acted like she was SUPPOSED TO

Why you little snitch Ron. Harry’s relationship with his book is very intimate and personal (Jk I love Ron.)

Ron jfc. Ginny can snog whoever she wants to

“What if she saw you here snogging me? Would you expect her to get up and leave?” Hermione you sly mofo.

Aww look at Hermione wrapping her arms around her boys

Katie NUUUUUU

“Why is it when something happens, it is always you three?”  Because they’re protagonists and shit must always hit the fan around them

“How grand it must be to be the chosen one” Would you like some fries with that salt, Sev?

“She’s got nice skin” YES SKIN THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO KISS

“Hermione’s got nice skin” Lol they’re both WHIPPED

Belby devouring his desert like a caveman is my aesthetic and mood whenever ice cream is in the vicinity

Good job Harry just abruptly stand up and making A HUNDRED TIMES MORE AWKWARD

Ron why are you acting all condescending?! She low-key asked you to the dinner party!

Have I mentioned how much I LOVE Luna’s lion hat?

YAS GINNY YOU FLY THAT BROOM LIKE A BAMF

Damn the Weasleys are on fire today

“You didn’t put it in. Ron only thought you did” Yes because Harry is slick af and also Slytherdor af.

“I think this room’s taken” Yes now gtfo. Also, I hate how Lavender was black but they made her white when she had any huge significance to the story

“But I am the chosen one” *slap* Come on Hermione let the boy have some confidence. Hitting him is a bit abusive

LOL when Cormac threw up on Snape’s shoes I was like, “Boi you’re fucked.”

Wow Lavender is so extra. She has good writing on foggy windows skills, tho. Mine usually turn out really ugly

I wish she’d (Ginny) fed him a canary cake and then he turned into a canary. And ugh Ron is such a cockblock.

Ugh they fucked up all of the ships in this movie? All of the Hinny scenes were awkward as hell and Ronks wasn’t even canon during that burrow scene.

Speaking of the Burrow scene, I think it’s cool, but they could’ve taken it out to include scenes like Voldy’s other memories, Hinny scenes that aren’t bullshit, tc.

Also, Ginny wouldn’t have just been STANDING there letting Harry defend her. She’d’ve hexed those Death Eaters into next week!

“Excuse me while I go and vomit” I’d wanna vomit too Mione

Oh gods here comes the scene where Harry is so unbelievably not smooth about asking Slughorn for the memory. Prepare for a massive cringe attavk.

“Is that what you told Tom Riddle, sir?” WHY ARE YOU SUCH AN IDIOT HARRY???? LIKE FUCK

“The map’s wrong” THE MAP NEVER LIES HERMIONE

“They [the cauldron cakes] were lying on your bed. I thought I’d try one.” Oh Ron your love for food is gonna be the death of you.

Rupert’s acting like he’s wasted is spot on. OMGS when he hugs Slughorn, tho!!!

Gods Slughorn is such an incompetent teacher. DON’T JUST STAND THERE DO SOMETHING GOSH DAMMIT

“And for the record, I’ve always found him interesting” We know Mione we know.

Ugh wonderful the Sectumsempra scene is close. Harry does so many things that give me second-hand embarrassment in this movie.

What I don’t get is how Lav is at a different table when she’s in Gryffindor. They could’ve had her sit at the Gryffindor table for the trio’s in sync judging stare

OH NO THE SCENE’S COMING

NO HARRY DON’T DO IT YOU BLOODY IDIOT

UGHHHHHHHHHHH

“Did you and Ginny do it then?” “What?” “Hide the book?” *wiggles eyebrows* They did more than that

Ugh why did he drink the whole damn bottle of liquid luck? He was supposed to save it for Ginny and the trio!

On the other hand, Harry being high and cocky af is the best thing!

“How on earth did you get out of the castle?” “Through the front door”

“Harry!” “Sir!”

Aww Hagrid bby don’t cry #ProtectHagrid2k17

Wow Slughorn and Hagrid are so fucking drunk.

Hey at least they included the fish story! That was super cute and feels destroying. Damn this scene tugs at my heart strings. 

WHY WOULD A FORBIDDEN SUBJECT BE FOR HYPOTHETICAL USE???? (I mean unless you’re writing a book, but that doesn’t apply here) I love Slughorn and think he’s an interesting character, but fuck he’s so dense

YES THEY ACTUALLY EXPLAINED THAT THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENT ISN’T ON THE MAP. They should’ve included it on the DVD! This would’ve made Ron’s line about Mione saying that in DHpt2 make so much more sense. Ugh this movie has so many plot holes it physically hurts

“Has it ever crossed your brilliant mind that I don’t want to do this anymore?” For once I agree with Snape. Dumbles is a manipulative asshole.

Okay, so in the books when Sumbles and Harry get to the cliff they swim across the sea or ocean or whatever to get to the cave. And I guess they skipped that part, but still had it happen? So how tf did they swim across it here? The water is way too strong? Apparition maybe?

THAT BOAT LOOKS HEAVY. Why make Harry pull it out all by himself?! You’re a wizard, Dumbledick! Use magic!

Dumbledore yelling that it’s his fault breaks my heart now that I know the context. Like, yeah, he’s an asshole, but poor guy. It’s so tragic.

“Don’t worry, sir. We’re almost there.”  “I’m not worried, Harry. I’m with you.” Oh the fucking irony.

The added choir scene is so haunting

NO DRACO DON’T DO IT DON’T LET THEM IN

The way Snape walked in gave me GOOSEBUMPS. And “Severus...please.” UGH MY HEART

Nooooo! Hagrid’s cabin! What about Fang?!

So Harry just walked in Dumbledore’s office and ARE THOSE LEMON DROPS ON DUMBLEDORE’S DESK??? FTW!

Ugh I hate how Ron’s in the background for most of the last scene. He’s a part of the trio too!

Aww Fawkes don’t make me cry! Great now I’m emotional.

So overall HBP is my least favorite movie adaption because of how sloppy it is. But damn that ending scene got to me.

I’ve had loads of fun doing these. I guess I’ll both DH movies tomorrow and then OotP on Monday. Later!

#harry potter and the birthday weekend #freeform #half blood prince #golden trio era #harry potter

[casual-lip-bites]

Prologue and Chapter 1

To Everyone in the Whole World. Every small thought or action or choice every single person has ever made has warped the universe into what it is now, and for that I thank you.

Prologue I bet you thought that this was going to be an insightful book or something. Well, you were wrong. This book really sucks. No one thought it would ever get published, much less finished. Not even my mom believed in me. But as I kept writing it, I thought of all the stupid teen romance books I’ve read and thought, hey, if those could get published, why can’t I publish a book too? So I’m really sorry if you decided to buy this or something. I hope you kept the receipt, because in truth, my book probably isn’t worth the five dollars or however much it cost you. Not in this economy. Unless, of course, you borrowed it or got it from the library or illegally downloaded it online or something. I hate writing. My vocabulary is passible at best. I never thought that I would write a book, like, ever, but look at me now. Just to let you know, I did not write this whole thing. I had help from my best friend and a Mexican kid who has told me multiple times that he wishes I was dead. These are literally the only people I ever talk to. I’m warning you right now: I don’t know what they’re going to write. Personally, I’m going to try to be PG-13, but I’ve been told that have a swearing problem, so that’s not always going to be possible. You know it’s bad when you have to Google “what does it take for a book to be banned”. It’s right there in my search history. Right above “why are teenagers so smug” and “when can I legally drop-out of high school”. Nothing really matters to me anymore. I’m just here to exist for as long as possible. I don’t like putting effort into anything, really. College is out of the question. I mean, someone has to wipe down gas station toilets. I only agreed to write this novel because there’s not too many realistic YA novels out there. Not everyone can have their dream relationship. (I’m going to marry a trashcan.) Not everything ends happily, and sometimes things don’t end at all. (My story begins at the end.) I never really have any deep thoughts. (At least, not in the way that it’s shown in teen books.) And most teenagers have boring-as-hell lives. (Either that, or I just assume that everyone else does too.) Really though, the deepest thought that I’ve had in a week happened when I dropped a bowl of soup and thought “oh shit son” and then wondered if soup has the ability to understand the concept of gender identity and family relations. Truly deep thoughts come and go. It’s usually only the stupid things that I remember long enough to write down. I’m just going to go ahead and warn you, some of the insightful stuff I try to write comes out like it’s supposed to, and other times it will just look like: boop boop boop Are trees vegetables? Exact words are not my forte. I’m lucky that I came up with “forte” right then. I’m really not sure how this will turn out at all. I haven’t even read most of this. I’m not allowed to read what Lily and Ethan write, and they’re not allowed to read what I write. We’re basically publishing it without proofreading each other’s work. It’s supposed to “encourage honesty” or something. So we’ll see how that turns out. Yeah. There’s probably a reason why books like this don’t exist. Again, sorry. Anyway, I wrote this for you because I care a lot about you as a person.  I needed this book to exist because I need you to know something. I don’t care if it’s cheesy. You need to hear it. Things can and will get better. Do not kill yourself. I wrote this for you, so you’d better learn something from it. I have bled and suffered and bled some more to get this book out. If you kill yourself, I will murder you. Someone is always ready to listen. Sometimes we forget about people we can count on. There’s always that one person that you forget about. Like siblings. No matter how much you hate each other, no matter how horrible to you they are, no matter how shitty the personality, your sibling(s) will listen to you if you seriously need someone to talk to. Another thing I didn’t consider, until just recently, is talking to someone who has a crush on you. If they like you, chances are they probably don’t want you to hurt yourself. However, if he/she is one of those freaks that crawl in your window at night or design you-inspired sex dolls, you should probably think of another option. Like a guidance counselor. They’re legally obligated to care about your feelings. Don’t forget those people. Someone will listen. There’s always someone. I know this because I was forgotten. Wait, what was I writing about again? I have a really untraditional writing system. I first write out a bunch of BS that I really can’t use and then scan over it the next day. I delete little sentences that don’t make sense here and there until I’ve deleted the whole chapter. Then I re-write it and then ignore it all for a month or two if I’m getting behind on schoolwork or something. Sometimes in the middle of the night I take it out, read it, and type little scraggly messages on it to daytime me. They look like they were typed out by a toddler. I can’t even tell what most of them are supposed to mean, so I spend a lot of time trying to decode things like “bread water” instead of writing the actual story. My favorites are: “com on grill u cans rite better than that” and “higher than meth”. Oh yeah. I also hate it when authors get you attached to a character and kill them off right at the end like they’re actually trying to ruin your emotions forever, so I’m going to go ahead and warn you now so you hate me less for making you read this book. My sister dies in the first chapter. No amount of character deaths in YA books could have prepared me for what had happened. That’s another reason why I needed this book to exist. The suddenness and finality of death is unreal. It’s kind of like a text message ding going off and then the sound cutting out right in the middle of it. And then a random electrical wire snapping and burning and suddenly everything’s on fire and you’re on fire and your pets are on fire and it’s painful and even though you embrace death and dying and enjoy pain this is too much. Another thing: You’re probably wondering what gender I am. Even if it wasn’t at, like, the fore-front of your mild, you were probably subconsciously trying to figure it out. I won’t make you play “Guess That Gender” until my name appears in dialogue or something. This isn’t Walmart. My name is Kirsten Bloom. I also hate it when authors write shit like “his dark, leaf green eyes looked at me, comforting me and giving me memories of summery afternoon walks in the woods with my father” to describe how people look. Like, no. My face isn’t the type of face that could be described in poetry anyway. So here’s what I look like most of the time: I have brown hair. I would have black hair, but my mom won’t let me dye it. I have washed-out green eyes. I’m pale. I dress kind of gothic. (Eyeliner, 90’s choker, black leather boots, black lipstick, black/purple shirt, black skinny-jeans, black jacket with a skull on it.) My style is basically “economically disadvantaged girl trying to act cool and gothic but failing hard”. Just so you know, I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to write this just yet, but I’m sure that it will be really horrible for at least the first two or three chapters. I’m sorry about that, but believe me; it will be so worth it. If you’re anything like me at all, I guarantee that this book will save you from some shit. I have one hell of a story to tell you. And so it begins.

Chapter 1 Katherine Bloom is dead. She killed herself. I can’t believe that she’s never coming back. She was alive just a week ago. She can’t be gone. But she is. Her death is one thing that I have accepted. Once a person is pronounced dead by medical professionals, there’s no way around it. But my heart feels like it’s been ripped to pieces. She was my other half. I never fully comprehended how awful deaths are until I saw my sister on a cold, metallic operating table, her lifeless eyes staring at the ceiling. Seeing nurses in lab coats covering her thin frame in a sheet, gone forever. Watching my mother choke and sob in front of me. Not being completely sure if the screaming sound I heard was coming from my vocal cords or if it was just the sound of my brain collapsing in on itself. After three days of pure depression sprinkled with rage and denial, I know that my little sister is never coming back. Death is permanent. Death is unshifting. Death is cold. And I don’t love. [I warned you it would be like this. Just roll with it.] It’s as if she never existed, except she’s more here than ever. I can actually feel her absence. It’s heavy and empty at the same time, especially in her room.  All of the Christmas lights that she always kept in there have been packed away into a little box, just like all of her other things. Mom said earlier that we could donate it to charity, but she hasn’t followed through on that. I have a feeling that her things will stay here forever. My little sister will always have a place in our house. But right now her room is mine. I’ve been sleeping here since I basically smashed everything in my room into a trillion pieces. It has a depressive presence in it, though. This place is so empty without her. I spend most of my time in here drawing invisible circles on her bed that’s been stripped bare, and think. She slept on rosy red sheets, which are now packed away in a box. It was her favorite color. Now her ashes rest in a rosy red urn. It was originally for grandma. We were hoping that she would die. I really wonder about what my sister was thinking about during the afternoons that she spent locked away in here, wasting away. A lump grows in my throat, but I can’t even cry anymore. I’m just done with it all. I still haven’t figured out why she would kill herself. No matter how many things I try to decode from days I can barely remember, I’m no further along than the previous hour. She wasn’t a depressing person. She smiled a lot. She had lots of friends. The only thing that was different about her attitude was that she stayed in her room for extremely long periods of time, listening to music. I didn’t find that alarming, because that was one of her favorite pastimes. Only she usually did it for less than five hours at a time in a locked room. I thought that she was just becoming one of those teenaged girls who like to keep to themselves. Like me. I guess it was more than that. And now she’s dead. I put my head down on the flat bedspread. I am determined to find out the truth. I need to know the truth more than I need oxygen. Someone rings the doorbell. What the hell do they want? I force myself out of bed and trudge over to the front door and open it. My heart starts fluttering and I just can’t believe my eyes. It’s Katherine. She smiles at me and I hug her so tightly that I just might kill her. I’m shaking so hard right now. “I missed you so much. Please don’t hurt yourself. Ever,” I say. When I stop hugging her, I see that she too is tearing up. There’s a bright glow around her. She starts to say something, when- And then I wake up. My sister is dead. And I’m still lying on her bed. I just dreamed it all. I’m ashamed to say that that was not the first time that I had done that. There’s nothing I want more than for my sister to come back. But she’s gone. All that’s left are bittersweet memories. Ashes can’t dance. Ashes can’t sing. Ashes can’t ride bikes. Ashes can’t feed birds in the park. Ashes can’t sit under the stars and watch them twinkle all night. Ashes can’t smile or love. They can’t do any of the things that my sister loved to do. I know for a fact that she didn’t just randomly decide to kill herself. No sane kid just looks in the mirror and goes: Hey. Today was a fun day, but I think that I should just hang myself now. She is, was, a very cheerful person. I secretly envied her for that reason. She was great. We had near perfect childhoods, but for some reason she was the only decent one out of us. The only conclusion that I can come up with is that she was bullied. And once I find out who caused this, I will kill them. All of those bastards are going to die tonight. I’ll stab them over and over and over and over and over and over and over again with the pocket knife she harmed herself with, after I make absolute sure that they feel guilty for their actions. Blood will be spilt tonight. And I hope those faggots rot in hell. I found her pocket knife in her bedroom closet yesterday, when mom and I were cleaning out her room. We were deciding what of hers we should keep and what we should ‘’give away”. We were just expecting to find old toys and stuff like that. Then I found that thing. Actually, it really wasn’t that hard to find. It stabbed me in the kneecap. I gave mom the knife. I didn’t give any explanation at all. The knife said more than any words could say. Apparently, that was a bad idea, because she didn’t say anything after that. She just got in the car and left me there, holding out the bloody knife. Now, that said more than words could say. For a wild moment I thought that she had abandoned me to start a new life. Wouldn’t be the first time someone did that. Apparently, mom went to the liquor store to drown her feelings in alcoholism. But she might as well leave, with all the support she’s given me. It’s like her soul was sucked out of her eyes. I hid the blade in my jacket pocket the minute she left Katherine’s room, assuming that she would take it from me eventually. But she never intended to, for reasons that I already covered. Katherine was just a kid. What did she do to deserve this? What did I do? There’s no way that she hung herself. But she did. She left mom and me. She didn’t leave a note or anything. There was no warning. It just happened. Everything reminds me of her. I’ll have to get used to it, considering the fact that I live here. I shut my eyes. I hate everything in this house, especially the mirror, which I can’t stand to look into. My face isn’t my face anymore. It’s Katherine’s: the same Katherine who was hanging by her neck in the bathroom, staring at me blankly. My make-up probably looks really runny and shitty. I decide to brave looking in the mirror. I look for only half a second, and then shut my eyes. My chest feels heavy. I lose my breath. When I say I can’t stand how I look, I mean it literally. Anyway, my eyeliner looks how I thought it would look. I look like a raccoon going through a gothic phase. I’m never going to heal if I stay here. Sometimes I just think about getting in the truck and leaving home forever. Like in every non-supernatural YA novel ever. But then my mom would have no one, except her liquor. Sometimes I think if I got drunk maybe I could experience whatever magical delusional feeling she’s experiencing, but I come from a long line of people who ruined their lives with alcohol, so I’m not going to take that chance. I am the generation that finally gets it right. I smoke instead. I strip off my jacket (aka security blanket) for the first time all day and walk right out the back door. The night air feels warm and cool at the same time. Crickets are chirping. The wind feels amazing. I’ve always preferred night-time. Usually in the summer I change up my sleep schedule where I wake up at 3:00pm and go to sleep at 5:00am so I can mostly stay up at night, but still do stuff with friends in the afternoon. Plus, going out and doing whatever at night means that there’s zero chance of getting sunburned, and everyone’s asleep, so it’s like I live in my own little world. It’s just me and the sky. I’ve decided to not do that this year, because I need as much stability as I can get. I get out my lighter and cup my hand around it. The flickering flame illuminates the cigarette just before I light it.  Contrary to popular belief, smoking is actually a great way to cope. First of all, it’s fun. Second, I can get a nice buzz going without losing my mental facilities, and not just because I lost it all beforehand. Third, you get to light things on fire. That’s always fun. And fourth, you can slowly kill yourself by doing it. Then I’ll die slightly after my mom so she won’t have to outlive both kids. Drag. Hold it in. Hold it in. Hold it in. Hold it in. Exhale. Repeat. Drag. Hold it in. Hold it in. Hold it in. Hold it in. Exhale. Repeat. Drag. Hold it in. Hold it in. Hold it in. Hold it in. Exhale. Repeat. I got these from a place some of my friends call “the tube”. I found it by accident a couple months ago. It’s where all the drug-addicted teens at my school hide their drugs and alcohol. They’ve apparently created their own complex mini-black market. I used to be friends with some of them, but now they’ve turned into bitches. Not from drugs; just from being themselves. I would tell you where the tube is, but I promised not to tell. We made a deal. If it was stuff like meth I would report it, but why ruin my joy of having all those people owe me? When I wanted some of their cigarettes, the deal got that much more complicated. I had to make a little trade. You see, in the tube, there’s something they always need. It’s worth its weight in gold, and it’s the same color. It’s pee. They love pee. They have to like it, if they still want to keep their drugs. Each person that trades there keeps a small plastic bag of clean pee on them at all times in case of random drug testing at school. Clean pee is hard to come by for them, though, because mostly everyone who knows about the tube is high as fuck on all the drugs, and therefore do not have clean pee. I am their source of security. I agreed to trade with them. One gallon of pee buys two packs of cigarettes. I think it’s a fair trade. What would I do with all my pee anyway? A car zips down the road. The wind and dust hit my face a few seconds later. I gag and spit out the dust. Smoking by the road really isn’t safe, but at this point in the game, I really don’t care if I die. Actually, I care just enough to live just so I don’t inconvenience others. I wish I could end it all sooner. Ever since the suicide I sometimes notice my breathing and go: why? Why did she die instead of me? I’m not going to rush anything, but if I got hit by a school bus tomorrow, I don’t think that I would really care at all. My stomach jolts in a funny sort of way. Tomorrow is the last day of school. I hate school, but I always miss it when it’s gone. Sure, it’s shitty and stuff, but it does provide stability. I need to go back, even if it only is one last day. School will hopefully bring something normal back into my life. It will also give me a chance to spend time with my friends before summer break, if you can even call them friends. They’re basically just the people I hang out with at lunch so I don’t look stupid sitting alone. They seem to like me enough to tolerate me, which is nice, I guess. Those people are very, um, interesting. First of all, there’s Molly. She’s the smartest person at our school. Everyone wants to be her friend. She helps people she likes with their homework and stuff. After spending so much time around people who are brown-nosing her, I forgot the stereotype about nerds having no friends. I honestly have no idea where that came from, because at my school, we treat the smart people like royalty because we depend on them for, like, not failing. There’s this kid named Jacob who also sits at my table. His stupid hairstyle has not changed in sixteen years. He’s strange and vaguely fucked-up, but I guess we all are to some degree. He gives off a weird sexual vibe, but not really a rapist/child molester one. It’s softer and seems more obscure, like maybe he’s sexually attracted to goats. I really should stop his description here. And then there’s Lily. She has the weirdest stories. I read one of them and my eyes nearly bled. It was a Twilight fanfiction in which the characters were all gangsters. Her face is always really flushed and she laughs at everything. Except when she’s on her period, which in that case she turns into the nastiest, loudest, bitchiest person you’ve ever met. A lot of weird shit happens at that table. My favorite was when we created a match.com profile for a burrito someone dropped on the ground. It was the most amazing thing in the world. “Burrito1230345 looking for a one-night stand. Bring candles, incense, and lots of lube.” Lily tried to reposition it so it would look as sexually suggestive as a burrito could possibly be, but she failed horribly. Jacob took over and did the job right in less than a minute. How he managed, no one knows. It all started when Jacob’s crush dropped the burrito on the ground as she walked to her table. Jacob started staring at it because, of course, he’s a freak. We started to joke with him about him wanting the burrito, because Jacob just has the kind of pervy face that makes him look like he wants to screw everything. He said that he didn’t want it. We felt bad for this little burrito, because not even Jacob would make love to it. Somehow, ten minutes later, we created a full profile for our burrito. Those were good times. I’ve laughed a lot a that table. I miss those little fuckers. I haven’t seen another human being besides the local news and the pee collectors in a week. The news people did a story on my sister’s suicide. I remember watching it. Our story was the second to last thing on there. The day before the news report, they interviewed Mom. That did not go over well. When they tried to talk to me, I turned away and walked into the house. I don’t need their sensationalistic crap in my life. I thought I was through with them, but then they entered my house WITHOUT PERMISSION and asked me “WHAT MY MOOD WAS”. Take a fucking hint. What did they think? Did they consider it a possibility that I was elated that my sister committed suicide? Did I look like I was jumping over rainbows and skipping through meadows or something? You know, this is why I am no longer considering journalism as my career. I now hate the media. This whole thing has really opened my eyes. They didn’t show either of the failed interviews, thank God. I will give them that. Even so, the newscasters had blank, empty faces when they were giving the report about the suicide. Then, not a moment later, they were smiling and talking about a baby animal that was born in the local zoo. It’s clear that they don’t really give a damn about anyone’s feelings. About a second before I fall asleep (I collapsed on the rocking chair we have outside), my mom pulls up into the driveway, back from her midnight run to the liquor store. She ran into our trashcan pretty hard. That’s just wonderful. She’s driving drunk. Actually, she’s probably not even drunk, but depressed slap-happy. It’s a good thing that I have my own car so I can drive to school without chicken bones flying off the hood. I got mom’s old one about three months ago after I got my driver’s license. I always hated the school bus. I’ve seen some shit there. Mom got a new Honda a year ago. She was supposed to get a used one. To be fair, Hondas aren’t the most expensive cars, but still. She’s going to run that thing in the ground if she keeps that up. I hope that the car insurance will cover the damage. But I have a really bad feeling that the car insurance is actually my college fund. Bye, college. Mom gets out of the car, kicking out some wine bottles in the process. I don’t really want to witness this. I snuff out my last cigarette and go inside. My lungs were starting to struggle anyway. I crash on the couch and quickly fall asleep, praying that my brain won’t force me to relive my sister’s death again like it usually does. I wake up at what feels like seconds later, but it is pitch black outside, and the sound of thousands of horny cicadas chirping is louder. I’m thirsty and covered in sweat. My dead sister didn’t revisit me again, so that’s a plus. Forcing myself off the couch, I get a glass of milk and put it in the microwave. My head spins, due to either the smoke, the alcohol smell coming from mom’s bedroom, or how fast I moved in a short amount of time, or all three. It takes me a minute notice Mom, in her room, passed out. I suddenly wish that microwaves had a “silent” option. Mom would never hurt me intentionally, but you know. After the infernal beeping sound ends, I quietly get the milk out and slowly trudge over to the table. I sit down, taking quiet sips from my glass. Mom herself said that it was unhealthy to have addictions. But here she is, passed out, wine running through her veins instead of life. I wish mom was happy again. I wish that she would go to work and pay attention to the last daughter she has left. But wishes are empty. We are not happy. It’s like we all died that awful night. In some ways, I did die. My dreams are rotting away. My sanity is hanging by a single string of skin. The better half of me is gone. I’m ripping apart at the seams. Emotional pain is probably the worst abstract concept ever. I would burn off my right hand to see my sister for one more day. I would walk across hell if it would give her one year on earth. I would die a thousand painful deaths to make her happy. If only I cared enough about her before the suicide. Forget walking across hell. I couldn’t even walk to her room. A lump grows in my throat. What sort of things did my sister experience? Does she still remember it? Whatever it was, I hope that she’s stopped suffering. I really hope she didn’t go to hell. She couldn’t have, though. She’s too pure. Everything is temporary. That’s just one harsh fact of life and the workings of the universe. However, it would have been nice if the universe was kind enough to allow my sister to be a little less temporary. I look at the pictures on the table. You know what’s funny? Family photos are funny. They’re like little windows into the past. It takes me back to when I dressed normally, Katherine was little and not dead, Dad was here and still loved my mom, we lived in this big house by a river, and life was generally just, like, better and stuff. It sickens me, the fact that the happy people in those pictures have no idea about what the future holds. I chug the rest of my milk, accidentally spilling half of it on the table and my chest. I’m not cleaning that shit up. Stretching, I quietly go back to my sister’s room and fall onto her bed. I stare at the ceiling fan and watch it spin around and round. Just like my brain. I shut my eyes. Rain lightly taps on our metal roof. How long was it raining? I tilt my head to look out Katherine’s window. Water falls gently upon the water-starved ground. It runs and runs until it finds a low area to rest in. Then the soil draws it in like a slow breath. My eyelids close once more and I focus on the rain and nothing else. A boom of thunder wakes me. Unfortunately, I’m the type that stays awake all night if I wake up. Now I’m alone with my thoughts. I’m just tired enough to not be able to grab my phone. I wish I could play some music to drown out my thoughts. My brain won’t shut the hell up. I’m being reminded of everything I’ve ever said or did with her. I miss my sister so much it actually physically hurts. I wish I killed myself instead of her. I really have no idea why she killed herself at all. I can’t think of any conversation or anything that could even slightly read as “suicidal”. She’s not even that good at keeping secrets. What am I missing here? Is it just really obvious or something? I’m so frustrated. She didn’t even leave a suicide note. I really wish she had. I mean, isn’t that something that you just do when you kill yourself? I mean, I guess there’s not really a rulebook or a protocol for that sort of thing, but yeah. I have to go to school tomorrow. Maybe that would help me sort out my thoughts. Maybe I can consult with Jacob and Lily and Molly and see if they might know anyone who can help me. I need to find out what happened to my sister. It just doesn’t make any sense at all. I wish I could just find something that would answer all of my questions just like that. It’s probably going to take a while to know the whole truth, but I will do everything it takes. Mark my words.

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs: week thirty-five

brief reviews of the songs which debuted on the billboard hot 100 the weeks of 6 september 1997, 8 september 2007, and 9 september 2017

9.6.1997

7) "Barbie Girl," by Aqua

I don't have anything constructive or novel to say about this song. It's the same Europe dance garbage we've been listening to this whole time, but now it's tuggin' at the ol' nostalgia what with how it references a beloved childhood toy. I do love how uniquely German the line, "Come on in, bimbo friend!" is, but that's about the only good thing in this song. Otherwise, it's a horrible song that has been bad to listen to for 20 years.

18) "Building a Mystery," by Sarah McLachlan

This goes several orders of magnitude harder than I ever remembered. I mean, we're adjusting to Sarah McLachlan's scale, this is still gentle for most people, but this almost has an edge. That's an electric guitar in this song, and I didn't know Sarah McLachlan was capable of saying the f-word! I like what this song was able to do even if it remained solely in the adult-alternative confines in which Sarah McLachlan typically keeps herself. I'd say the revisit ended up being worth it, even if it wasn't a revisit I would've made were I not doing this.

27) "I Miss My Homies," by Master P ft./Pimp C & The Shocker

...Do I suddenly appreciate the production value of "I'll Be Missing You." Is this how bad this song is. That it has me looking back fondly on "I'll Be Missing You." First of all, Master P is garbage on this track. His flow in his verse is "drunk dude trying to do an improv rap," and he keeps going "unnnnh" throughout the song, because as sad as we are at our friends dying, you need to keep brand engagement going. Like, Pimp C and Slikk don't change history, but they do things with their voices that aren't easily replicated. Master P seems to equate "being sad" with "talking slowly." Plus, like, as dumb as the "Every Breath You Take" sample is, that imbues "I'll Be Missing You" with far more energy and passion than this generic synth-strings and drum-beat track does. This beat sounds like a dude playing a Casio in his basement. This song that was probably written from a place of real emotion is the absolute pits.

43) "You Should Be Mine (Don't Waste Your Time)," by Brian McKnight ft./Mase

Ma$e was ahead of his time, in a way. Obviously, he's an incredibly basic rapper, so he's not ahead of his time in that particular sense. When you think of today's rappers, though, or at least those rappers which are popular on Billboard, and how they sort of passionlessly mushmouth for a few minutes at a time, you can't help but think that Mase would clean the hell up in this era. This song is a really fun if slight R&B jam, and Mase just sort of shows up and goes "enh," and in 2017 this is the hottest feature of the year.

77) "Need Your Love," by Big Bub ft./Queen Latifah & Heavy D

I fuckin' love this. This dude's voice has this insane quality I'm not anywhere near qualified enough to try to describe, it, I dunno, it's like this shovel digging a hole to my heart? And I love how simple this track is, pretty much just a guitar and drums with the occasional bass note, the traditional '90s strings only kicking in near the end. This is the sort of song I'd just put on repeat and let take me away if I ever found myself in the middle of a bad day, it's this intensely chill and uncomplicated thing, and sometimes, uncomplicated can be great.

88) "We Can Get Down," by Myron

i also could do crystal meth, but then i think... nah, better not "I'll be there for you physically, mentally" okay don't fucking lie to the girl just because it fits the rhyme scheme. You are solely here for the physical. This song is called "We Can Get Down," not "We Can Debate the Meaning of Our Favorite Poems Whilst Enjoying Some Sliced Fruit." Mentally. Man, no one listening to this song is thinking, "Just wanna get inside that big ol' thinker of his! What does this man repeatedly informing us that getting down is an option have to say about the important issues in politics and culture?"

89) "Butta Love," by Next

Given that these dudes are eventually going to make a song about wanting a girl to dance further away from them because they're getting an erection, it's disappointing that this is just a standard '90s R&B slow jamz that only mentions butter in passing, or isn't secretly about buttsex. There is a line in the song, "Just hit me on my hip baby," that I had to stare at for five minutes to figure out what that might mean before I realized that was a sexy reference to pagers, and that made me smile, and I guess getting hard is a recurring theme in Next's work with how they sing "You've got those sexy eyes/Enticing thighs/You make me rise" so that's fun to find out, but this was a disappointingly staid song about wanting to fuck a hot woman.

90) "In a Dream," by Rockell

And 1997 ends where it begins: awful dance music I never want to think about ever fucking again. Very impressive storytelling, you always want the end to call back to the start just to reinforce the themes.

9.8.2007

76) "Fabulous," Ashley Tisdale & Lucas Grabeel

It is so perfect that this song had to appear on the Hot 100 on a week that no other HSM2 song debuted. Also it ends with a "not" joke. Thank you for this.

85) "I Get Money," 50 Cent

One of the things I didn't understand about Super Smash Bros. Melee was what the point of secret characters was if they would just be copies of a different character that moved slightly differently. Like, if Ganondorf had the same moveset as Captain Falcon but just moved slower, was Ganondorf really his own character? I sort of get the same feeling listening to "I Get Money" after "Fabulous." This is just "Fabulous" in a hoodie. Fiddy wants fabulous, that is his simple request, and Ashley Tisdale wants money. Man, I can't believe this album didn't manage to outsell Graduation, wonder what 50 Cent could have done better, aside from making songs that weren't shitty versions of HSM2 songs?

9.9.2017

20) "Friends," by Justin Bieber + BloodPop

I dunno, I guess this is okay. This is a Joey of a song -- I'm having fun with it as something that's happening while I'm trying to do something I'm interested in, but I wouldn't want to have like a whole thing of this. Justin Bieber does his usual thing where he doesn't get in the way but doesn't add anything unique or distinct or... anything, he doesn't do anything on this song, one day we're going to figure out the day we stopped asking our singers to be able to hit notes. Y'all are asking me to evaluate Justin Bieber the same week I evaluated Big Bub. Nah, man. Every single dude R&B singer is a better vocalist than the best male vocalist in 2017. I mean, I know we're coming to these songs for vibes and drops and not for technical vocal proficiency, we made this choice when we made Tay Tay a pop star, but how are Justin Bieber and Bryson Tiller the only vocalists we're asking to carry pop songs in 2017? They're boring!

34) "I Get the Bag," by Gucci Mane ft./Migos

What a delightful song with a dazzling array of lyrical twists with a distinct song quite unlike anything either artist has put out to this point! What a treat, to he -- I am being informed I decided to listen to "Need Your Love" again. Fine. Fine. ...The only reason this song exists is if you hear a Migos song you're really into and want to listen to again but are too far away from your Device to hit the repeat button.

77) "Look What You Made Me Do," by Tay Tay

Because of the way YAS is set up, and also because I’ve been taking an extra day to write YAS for reasons that are not completely “gets too distracted by link to the past randos” but are pretty much just “gets too distracted by link to the past randos,” everything that can be said about this song has been said, and Tay Tay’s public perception has gone from legit pop queen to Nazi Idol, which is a hell of a fall. And you’d think that this was just the media waiting to pile on Tay Tay because she’s had positive coverage for so long and it’s Her Turn as it was for all pop stars before her, except this song is legitimately terrible. It’s indefensibly bad. It’s either about a feud she already won, a response song to “Swish, Swish” being completely unnecessary when you already had “Bad Blood,” or it’s about a feud in which she was so clearly and incredibly in the wrong! This song is just unnecessary, especially since it doesn’t actually do anything. The verses sound kinda cool, they have this sparse production I’m sort of into, but they build into Tay Tay saying, “Look what you made me do” and nothing more. And hey. Tay Tay? Never a compelling vocalist! Can’t pull off the spoken word, to no one’s surprise! It sounds less like a deposed Maleficent crashing the christening and taking the kingdom and more like a teen who’s sort of miffed that their parents wouldn’t let them buy Maleficent-branded merchandise at the mall Hot Topic. This song isn’t failing, but my gosh, does it ever deserve to. If there were any justice, Tay Tay would have announced her country comeback an hour ago, but because of this era where brand loyalty rules the day in pop music (you come up with a better reason why DJ Khaled is a legit pop star), Tay Tay’ll be fine.

79) "Younger Now," by Miley Cyrus

Again, it's really cool that Miley Cyrus, an unfathomably rich person, has found inner peace. I am very invested in the journey of this sympathetic character. You don't see good things happen to rich people that often. So happy for Miley. What an emotional journey, going from a rich child to a rich person who did drugs to a rich person who used to do drugs.

80) "It's Every Night Sis," by RiceGum ft./Alissa Violet

...I can't claim to say I never wanted YouTubers to rap. I own two Starbomb albums. Clearly, I wanted this to happen. But I just, I take back the bad things I've said about Master P, trap rap, and mumble rap in this and these posts, because my god, listening to these children is honestly the worst. I hate this.

53) "Roll in Peace," by Kodak Black ft./XXXTentacion 82) "Transportin'," by Kodak Black 90) "Questions," by Chris Brown

Wow! Over already? Well, that time just flew right on by! Good post, y'all! I feel like we accomplished a lot today, and now we're ready to find out...

Who won the week?

It is 1997 because 1997 is the only year that gave me a song I immediately loved.

2017: 12 1997: 12 2007: 11

Next week, 1997 gives us Mariah Carey, Beck, Chumbawumba, and Shaquille O’Neal. 1997 is complicated.