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20s-turtle-posting · 1 year

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The One Wherein Raphael is Actually Transfem

1.6k words | companion art >here< | second fic >here<

This is it. This is the moment.

It’s completely random, nonsensical, a moment that is perfectly mundane and yet she can’t keep it in her chest a moment longer, so it’s now or never. Forget the fear and anxiety that immediately set her heart pounding harder than any rooftop run, she has to tell them now or else she doesn’t know what else to do.

She stops in her tracks on the walk back from the pool, her brothers moving past her for several steps, still joking and laughing before they recognize that something’s up. Leo, predictably, is the first to notice and he turns quickly, blue-and-brown eyes alert.

“Raph?”

She balls up her fists for a moment, and it’s not that she hates that name, she still cherishes it because it’s been hers for so long…. But it isn’t her anymore.

“I uh-” Her throat closes up. Shit.

Mikey and Don are looking too, eyes wide and curious. Hell. What are they gonna think? About her? What will Leo think? What will Dad think?

Fuck it. She can’t keep it to herself any longer.

“So uhh, I have to tell ya’ guys somethin’....” Tugging nervously on her mask, looped loosely around her neck, she drops her gaze to the floor to avoid eye contact. Her heart is fuckin’ pounding out of her chest. “I’m not… really a… well, a guy.” She feels like she’s going to puke this sucks ass why can’t it be as easy as beating up a couple of Purple Dragon goons, this is her own family. Why is it making her so nervous?

“Actually I’m a girl and-” she stumbles and it’s out the words are out it’s done. Instant regret threatens to choke her, fear and hope churning like nausea so strong that she sinks back into the easy cover of an explosive outburst of “and-and that’s final! You can suck it up and get used to it!”

The instant she looks up, mid-shout, the anxiety starts to drain because Mikey, fucking bless him, has stars in his eyes already. As soon as her jaw snaps shut Mikey squeals and lunges.

“Holy shit!” he screeches at joyous, ear-splitting volume, throwing his arms around her neck, “free sister!”

A hand lands gently on her shell, and Leo is smiling delightedly when he says “congratulations on coming out! Welcome to the club.” Which is such a fucking Leo thing to say.

Don, for his part, stands there grinning softly and says, “Very cool, El.”

And that’s what really almost starts the waterworks because she should have known they wouldn’t turn her away and shun her. She knew it like she knew the sun rose in the east each morning, the way she knew she was a ninja, through and through, no matter what may come.

She’d brought up her new name briefly, almost in passing, almost three weeks ago when she’d thought Don was decently distracted by his latest project. Her heart had pounded then too, casually mentioning the name as if it were a stray thought occurring, nothing important, nothing of note. She had been wild with anxiety over Don’s reaction, but all he had said was “that’s nice” and kept soldering, so she thought that was as good as she’d get.

But he’d remembered, and that meant the whole fucking world to her.

“El!” Mikey breathes happily, squeezing the life out of her, “oh my GOD that’s so perfect!”

“Actually, it’s Ella, but don’t wear it out.” She shrugs Mikey off with somewhat of a herculean effort, he’s so damn clingy. “But uh, yeah, El for short.”

“No way we could wear it out,” Mikey says firmly, “We gotta break it in, El!”

Leo is still resting his hand on Ella’s shell, gentle and grounding. “So, just Ella or El?”

El shrugs. “Yeah. And uh, it’s not like I resent ‘Raphael’ but that’s jus’ not me anymore.” She looks around at them with a faint grin. “And I don’t care if you guys slip up, don’ worry.”

“We won’t,” is Leo’s instant response, and from the suddenly intense look in his eyes, El knows that Leo is already determined to have no slip-ups ever from this point on. That same perfectionism has pissed her off so many times before, but right now it just makes El feel like she’s been under the basking lamp all damn day; warm right down to her toes and soft as butter left out by the stove.

Don fidgets with his own hands for a moment, still smiling that gentle smile. “Female pronouns and terms only?”

Mikey interrupts with gasps. “Oh! I’ll stop calling you ‘dude’! If you want! But like, I totally mean it in a feminist way most of the time, if that’s cool. I mean if you’re not that’s fine and I’ll stop forever, lips zipped and all that!”

The focus is suddenly almost overwhelming, her brothers’ willingness to adapt is moreso. El scowls for lack of any other expression and shrugs again. “I mean it doesn’t bother me, I know what you mean. Just… maybe lay off it a bit. For now.”

“Nooo problemo!” Mikey beams

Again, Don fidgets with his own hands, then abruptly blurts out, “if you want, I can use mirror pronouns, if that helps?”

“Huh?”

Don doesn’t make eye contact, but he’s still outwardly calm, only picking slightly at a scab on one knuckle. “Mirror pronouns means that whatever pronouns you use can refer to me as well whenever you’re talking about me. Like if Leo asked you where I was, you would say, ‘oh Donnie? She’s in the garage.’ Like that.”

El almost chokes, about two seconds away from letting a few tears escape, but Mikey saves her by shouting, “you can do that!?”

“Gender is a construct, Mikey,” Donnie informs, darting out a hand to cover Mikey’s mouth, “and I haven’t met a construct yet that I haven’t disassembled for fun and curiosity’s sake. Anyway, this is about Ella, not me.” He… she–even just thinking it helps somehow, how is she so damn perceptive–glances at Raph with a crooked little smile. “Do you think that would help?”

El grunts. “Yeah, um, yeah that’s fine.”

“Cool.” Donnie’s smile is a thousand kilowatts.

El would give the whole damn world for her, for all of them. For Mikey and his intense, blinding joy at having a surprise sister, for Leo’s steadfastness no matter what, for Donnie’s ability to find the most unexpected tool to help. The idea that she could have ever had doubts about them is suddenly so absurd that she starts laughing. Her brothers join in, not really knowing why, just happy to see her happy.

Just then Master Splinter walks into the living area.

“I take it that you have had a good swim, my sons?”

Their humor evaporates and the bundle of nerves is back in El’s gut, twisting tight like a fist grabbing her insides.

Stepping forward, Leo starts, “Actually Master-”

El grabs his arm. “No. I got this.”

Leo immediately looks embarrassed. “Sorry.”

“No worries.” El pats him on the shell and then clears her throat pointedly at her brothers. They take the hint and scatter after bowing respectfully to Master Splinter and excusing themselves. They only get far enough away to be just out of sight and on the edge of earshot, El can sense them lingering close by.

Splinter merely raises one bushy brow as El approaches and kneels. “What is it, Raphael?”

“Sensei,” she says, surprised at how steady her voice is, “I hafta’ tell you somethin’.”

“Of course.” Splinter folds into a neat seiza, paws on his knees. “You may speak to me about whatever is on your heart, my child.”

My child. This gives her the courage to forge onward, even though she can’t seem to bring her eyes up any further than her father’s neatly groomed claws. “Sensei. I… I’m not Raphael. Not anymore. ‘S not that I don’t like my name, I just…. I’m not Raphael anymore. I’m a-a girl. I’m not your son. My name is Ella.”

The brief silence that follows is suffocating.

“I see,” says Splinter calmly, no indication in his tone whether he’s taking this well or not.

El trembles. If her father can’t accept this she doesn’t know what she’s going to do.

Suddenly one of her father’s paws lifts, reaching out to gently cup her cheek. A soft thumb pad brushes her scales, gentle pressure coaxing her to lift her head. Splinter’s black eyes are nothing but warm.

“I have seen a great many things in my lifetime. To say I am not surprised would be a lie, but it is not a lie to say that it brings me great joy to welcome you as you truly are, my daughter.”

The dam breaks, and El shuts her eyes tight against the tears suddenly dripping down her cheeks. Once again she shouldn’t be surprised by her family accepting her this way, but it’s still such a relief to be finally recognized. To be seen.

A sob shudders out of her chest and then father, as if she’s not a foot taller than him and three times as bulky, draws her close and hugs her tightly. His claws run across her carapace in a familiar rhythm, like they had so many times when she was still tiny, when she would run to him after a nightmare.

He presses a soft muzzle against the top of her head, whiskers tickling slightly, and then says, with all the pride he possesses as a father, “I am proud of you, my Ella.”

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nikoisme · 2 months

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Regarding the "it's fine that you're queer, just don't show it." line I agree with you and share your feelings, It makes me so incredibly frustrated, because this is a very prevalent attitude where I live (along with the more extreme negative attitudes).

Like. People go "I don't care that someone's queer, I'm neutral about that", but 90% of the time that "neutral" means just "I'm not going to directly harm them or wish death upon them, but I don't want to see, hear, think or talk about them"

Hearing that "it's fine you're gay, just keep it in the privacy of your bedroom" is just... you're not even allowed to hold hands with your partner on the street because that can put you both in danger (yes, unfortunately here it is a very real fear. I know that there are countries, where things are better, and where the worst you'll get is a rare insult or a mean stare, which, don't get me wrong, it's still not pleasant, but it's not as bad as a constant threat of physical assault or worse). And I'm not even talking about being trans. This isn't "neutral" this is just negative and it makes me so angry, when people act like this.

The worst part, they don't even realise what the problem is and how incredibly suffocating being forced to live like this is. You either treat queer people as people and don't try to erase (or worse, completely stop) their existence and let us be or you don't. Simply not wishing death upon queer people and not harming them for existing isn't as great of an achievement as those people think it is...

Sorry, if this was too negative. You don't have to respond and also, if you don't like getting rants like this, please feel free to say so. I wish you all the best, your blog is a very nice place and your art is wonderful, thank you for existing)))

Long rant ahead whoops!! cw for queerphobia and mentions of violence

Oh you put it all so perfectly! The experience here is exactly the same. "Just keep it within four walls, why do you have to rub it in our faces" is one I hear constantly. They will see a same-sex couple just holding hands and immediately see it as if they're having sex in public or something. Like,, just holding hands is something so explicitly sexual, to them apparently. Like you stated, they will say "i am neutral about it", but they are neutral only if you don't show you're queer. They are "neutral" only if you aren't actually yourself. I was honestly shocked how many times the conversation would go from that "neutrality" to mockery to downright violence. So whenever i hear someone say "as long as they don't push it on me", i always put up my guard. Because i don't know if it's "i don't mind that you're queer, you're still the same person i know and you deserve to be loved, respected and have basic human rights" or just masked hatred.

They will literally claim that queer people aren't discriminated, but actually privileged because they have "their damn parade" and representation in media. They say that they will get all the accommodations of life, society and economy purely based on the fact that they are queer. Apparently this all "comes from the west", like i am actually from the west and not,, y'know,, literally from here?? Born here?? Raised here?? Had the same chaotic-ass childhood like my peers?? But apparently it all goes away just because i am queer? Idk man it all really disconnected me from my culture and identity, and i am still uncomfortable with that (but i'm slowly trying to heal that! Drawing slavic mythology helps :DD)

"They aren't discriminated, they don't actually face any harassment", there were cases of queer people literally being murdered here. If it was a cishet person, it would be breaking news. But since it's a queer person, no one speaks about it. Harassment is bad, but when a queer person is being harassed it's their fault? Because they couldn't keep it to themselves? There is no protection here towards queer people when they face discrimination and harassment. The government does nothing.

"They have the same rights as us, what more do they want?" i don't know man just not living in constant paranoia hmmm??? Pride parades, rare as they are, are always under threats of violence from anti-gay protestors. I think a lot of people here don't even think queer people are actually people. Usually queer characters here are the laughingstock in media. They are portrayed with such horrible stereotypes (the worst ones are gay men=pedos), to the point of sometimes dehumanizing them. There is just so many terrible misinformation. I am queer as fuck, my gender is transed, and i know nothing about some of the downright bullshit they claim. A few weeks ago i had to listen through "the gays and their agenda" thing. And i'm not kidding, someone said "you will be asked to change your sexuality to get hired. Soon you will have to out yourself as straight. Straight people are the actual minority". It was so dumb it was almost hilarious.

But while sometimes i can get a laugh out of their willful ignorance (they lowkey won't acknowledge intersex people), it can get really draining, really fast. At this point i am just exhausted and sick of it. Sometimes I'm just exhausted of being around my family, friends and classmates and knowing, deep down, that they wish people like me wouldn't exist. Listening to them talk about "all the things they would do if they saw a [insert f slur]" and fearing if they would do it to you. Not speaking in lgbtq+ themed conversations because you don't agree with them - and all the shitty things they say are, in a way, faced at you. I'm not out to anyone irl exactly because of this, so while i don't face harassment aimed specifically at me, it does get hard sometimes. The silent ostracization from your own culture, history, religion etc. just feels really bad. Not to get too into it, but all of it really really fucked me up, and it took me years to come to terms with myself. It's sad feeling like i simply don't belong here. Sometimes it makes me wanna scream in anger, sometimes it makes me wanna laugh, sometimes it makes me wanna just throw up, cry, sleep and sometimes i just spiral. I usually have a "lmao fuck them. I like myself and i don't care what they think of me" attitude (queer spite that i mentioned once HAHAHA), but I actually do care because sometimes the odds of me having a normal life in which i am happy with who i am and i don't live under the constant fear of being, y'know, KILLED,, they just seem nonexistent.

I don't think they understand queer people have hobbies, friends, families, interests, dreams. We do the same things as them, we eat sleep laugh cry. They will claim we make our queer identity the only part of ourselves, like it's our entire personality - but when you tell them you're queer, they stop treating you the same, as the same person you were before you told them AND STILL ARE!! They will treat you as "not cishet", something that is "sick" and wrong and just doesn't belong.

This got really personal real fast, but good god it feels good to get it all out. There is so much more i didn't cover, mostly because even typing this down made me really tired. And it's not a bad thing!! In a way i am really exhausted from staying silent about this, so this was nice. I guess like a big "FUCK YOU" to everyone around me who is like this LMAOO. but tHANK YOU this ask put all of the frustration into words much better than i could hahaha!!

#also your last paragraph made me tear up thank you 🥹🥹#this is slightly incomprehensible but so are all my feelings about this. i can't be bothered to make this look nice.#when it really isn't nice :'D #maybe one day i'll properly talk about this problem but yah. this was nice #also the ask was much appreciated dw!#asks

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scribble-dee-vee · 2 months

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Writeblr Intro circa 2024

Hi writeblr!! Sooo, I've been around here since about 2014. (Yes, I am ancient.) However, I've been dormant for the past 4-5 years. Blame college and a brief stint on Twitter. Now that I'm active again, I thought I should make an updated writeblr intro so ppl know my Deal. Basically, I want to engage with other folks who write fiction (esp original SF), and that's a little easier if I have a clear post that outlines what I do. Here to make connections and hear about your blorbos :)

About me

Hi, I'm Vee! They/them, 23, 💖 🤍 🧡

I do journalism/comms in western New York

My literary jam is feminist/adult SF and gothic lit (OG or modern) 🥀 ⚔️ 🌙

Enthusiastic about gay people, body horror, and sociopolitical allegories

I cook, run, play tabletop games, and occasionally draw. Other than that, I'm mostly writing (for work and for fun)

If you were on pre-2020 writeblr, you likely know me from my eight billion daily tag games. (I still like tag games and appreciate u for tagging me. I have also gained adult responsibilities and better mental health, so I respond very slowly now. <3)

Always happy to get asks or dms, tho as I've noted: I may reply slowly.

Sometimes open to beta read! I only read one longer project at a time, but it's always super fun :)

I tag very consistently – happy to tag triggers for followers/moots

Fun fact: I love mushroom hunting and worked as a mycology TA. #cottagecoreera 🍄 🧚‍♀️ 🌱

About my creative writing

I write,,,, feminist/adult SF with gothic leanings (surprise!)

Longform and short! Trying to do more short writing this year, and I'll likely share a bit on Tumblr. It's easier to clip a short story than a 150k novel, god bless.

The Aesthetic: moral g(r)ays, Victoriana, androids/cyborgs, Women™, monstrous femininity, incessant Hamlet/Frankenstein motifs, extremely boring socioeconomic worldbuilding, evil queens and/or dilfs, psychosexual witchcraft, probably a cat. Also, an ominous, plot-relevant letter laced with anthrax from your unhinged and brilliant ex-wife. Open if you dare.

Major projects

I'm going to be writing some short work this year, but these are the longer projects that I have going in the background. If I reblog blorbo-related text posts, they probably have something to do with these.

Let me know if you want to be added to any project-specific taglists 😎

Heart of Lead – Series

The big one

Perpetually evolving

Never ceasing

Pls send help I can't stop adding shit

5-book gothic fantasy epic that I'll definitely publish one day but probably no time soon! My bastard child, my wicked firstborn, my greatest love <3

Character-oriented political drama set in a pseudo-Victorian, dystopian oligarchy where everyone's heart is made out of metal. It's about coming of age and discovering queer identity in a world that is absolutely fucked. God is an extraterrestrial lesbian who gives ppl very traumatizing magic powers. There are cyborgs, shapeshifters, and morally gray women in STEM. It's tight as fuck idk what else what to tell u.

Book 1 is about achillean monarchists, and book 2 is about sapphic anarchists. There are only two genders, I guess.

At this point, I've drafted most of the books at least once. Working to refine a lot of raw material atm!

Tag: "heart of lead tag" or "hol tag"

Lost Letters – Book

Aka the current active HoL WIP, and book one in the revised series structure

Length: 80k as of now; around 120-140k when the first draft is finished, I presume.

Genre: adult fantasy, gothic, noir detective drama?? um?? If you want me to frame it in BookTok terms (why?) it's a dark academia villain x villain tragic romantasy. Hrgh.

Summary: Cyborg soldier goes to college, joins a shady socialite frat, and falls in love with the jilted heir-apparent to the throne. Hilarity ensues.

(By "hilarity," I mean a militant revolutionary faction and a tragedy of Greek proportions.)

POV characters: Charles (the cyborg), Dale (the heir), and Cecelia (Charles' sister, a junior detective, the love of my life and potentially the Chosen One???)

This book is twisty and dark and immensely fun to write.

I'm about halfway through the first full draft! Hoping to share snippets and vaguepost about my children here.

Tag: "lost letters tag" (also "hol tag," tho that one's less specific)

The Last of Mortal Tourists – Book

The next longform project on the docket!

Length: a standalone work that will hopefully fall on the shorter novel/novella spectrum.

Genre: literary SF, cyberqueer, psychological space quest

Summary: The consciousness of a dead coding genius, trapped inside a spaceship, seeks a new planet to sustain their sister, the last surviving human, after the destruction of Earth.

If you're here to get wildly philosophical about gender and the myth of essential self, this is the story for you! That's why I'm writing it, lol. 🏳️‍⚧️ 🚀 🤖

This one started out as a short story (100% finished) which I want to expand.

POV: Archer Alto, the coder. Spaceship? Human? Soul?

Supporting Cast: Pandora, the last human, and Abby, a holographic impression of Archer's childhood consciousness

Tag: "the last of mortal tourists tag" or "tlomt tag"

If you read all this way, you get a whole bouquet of flowers that are certainly NOT poisonous: 🌸 🌹 💐 🥀 🌺

#writeblr #writing #writeblr intro #for my mutuals #scribble-dee-vee #project intro #hi writeblr!#original post #hol tag #heart of lead tag #lost letters tag #tlomt tag #pls feel free to tell me abt u in tags/replies!!#would love to expand my active writeblr connections #and yah like I said lmk about those tag lists #I def want to post more snippets/tags this year

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