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stressedemoblackbratz · 2 years

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what the hell pt. 4

pairing: euphoria characters x black!fem!reader

warnings: swearing, mentions of death, mentions of drugs and slight violence.

a/n: yall finna be mad as hell because i’m not making a sequel until season three :/ i am planning on doing a backstory though. possibly a few other things, but what the hell is completed babies.

words: 2.5k + not proofread

part one | part two | part three | how she came to be

all my life i’ve been good, but now i’m thinking, “what the hell?”

“andddd done.” you mumbled before spraying setting spray onto Lexi’s face. the play started in an hour and you had spent a lot of your time trying to calm Lexi down and texting Fez.

y/n: bro why the fuck i came in and first thing i saw was Ethan playing with his titties and him screaming it wasn’t what it looked like

fez: who is he supposed to be?

y/n: Lexi mama 😪

fez: IM DONE 😭😭

“are you sure your okay with this? i mean i had you upset at first so what about Cass-“ you stopped her rambling when you put your phone down and clapped your hands together.

“i was upset you had my break down a power moment for you. we fixed that up, but Cassie? Cassie can go to hell.” you told the girls sister. her eyes were wide with fear at the thought of her sister being mad at her.

“you’re showing them us…nobody told her to go and fuck Nate. boo hoo.” you shrugged.

“i just don’t want anyone to be mad at me or offended.” she said as she shrunk in her chair. you giggled at her worrying before getting up to leave. the girls were waiting for you outside of the auditorium.

“she’s been trying to gain sympathy for herself this entire time. maybe this will wake her up and guess what? sometimes the truth hurts.”

you walked towards the door, waving at Bobbi and Ethan on your way out.

“oh!” you called out causing Lexi to look back at you along with Ethan and a few other people.

“this is the part where i say break a leg. obviously don’t actually do that, but you better eat these bitches up.” you stated before leaving again, your platforms clicking away.

you resisted the urge to scream and punch Cassie and Nate in their jaws on your way to your seat.

“cunts!” BB called to the two.

you sighed sitting down in your seat beside Maddy. you were overly nervous. you knew Lexi was about to show her experiences with everyone and then some, that being said you were praying she didn’t reveal too much about you specifically.

Kat placed a hand on yours as the curtains pulled back and the first act started.

y/n: show time

fez: i’m coming don’t worry

you were so intrigued by how everyone was behind closed doors and apparently everyone else was too. you loved how Ethan played her mother and how he played Nate.

it wasn’t until an actress resembling you walked out did you mumble “she casted us perfectly.”. with that Maddy and BB pieced everything together.

“wait this fucking play is about us?!” she screeched before laughing at some of the portrayals.

you snorted and nodded before glancing behind you. Rue was smiling and even though you still felt some kind of slight resentment still, it felt nice to know she could find humor in this after all she’s been through.

Elliot’s facial expressions weren’t changing too much, but then again…his goofy ass wasn’t in the play.

Jules was into it and don’t even get me started on Suze. the entire room knew she was loving it.

it wasn’t until Cassie and Nate had both waltzed out of the theater for a moment after Ethan’s number that shit hit the fan. you turned around right in time to see Cassie fog up the auditorium doors glass.

“oh shit.” you and Rue mumbled to yourselves on opposite rows before roughly facing back forward.

Cassie walked up to the stage clapping and cursing at Lexi. Ethan tried to intervene and Suze tried to stop her daughter.

“is this apart of the play?” Micheal asked from across the room.

“how about the part where she fucked Martha’s boyfriend?” Maddy yelled out inciting a gasp from the crowd.

“they weren’t together!” Cassie cried as Maddy snickered. she kept going on and on before the crowd started screaming.

“racist!” somebody called from the crowd.

you did see some of Cassie’s points because yeah she did just literally expose you alls most vulnerable moments in front of everyone.

but honestly?

fuck Cassie.

the bitch was annoying and needed this moment.

and no matter what, Lexi’s truth would be Lexi’s truth.

and sometimes the truth hurts.

y/n: fez i don’t know where you are, but Cassie’s literally giving herself away right now. the bitch is breaking.

you put your phone down and enjoyed Cassie’s hollering on stage and pity monologue she created until she found out her sister knew what she had going on at the fair. literally everyone knew, but that set her off. the second she put her hands on her decoy you had had enough.

“ayo bitch!” you yelled standing up, Maddy standing too when Cassie’s head snapped towards you.

“rock her in her shit Mads.” you laughed.

Jules screamed out in laughter as Maddy ran up on Cassie, you in tow. phones recorded the mini fight before you, Kat, and BB followed Cassie and Maddy into the back, Lexi screaming behind you.

“nonono! Maddy no!” Kat screamed as you all chased Cassie to the back.

Maddy slammed Cassie’s head into the wall and you heard Lexi stop running and start sniffling behind you, you stopped chasing after that.

you let Kat and BB run on as you went to comfort Lexi.

“everything’s literally ruined. i fucked up.” she cried into your shoulder. you could faintly hear everyone cheering Lexi’s name from behind the walls.

“listen…” you said lifting her head. she quizzically looked at you before she sighed in recognition. they loved it. she laughed and wiped her tears away.

“they think it’s apart of the show and the shows gotta go on. go address your people. i gotta go fix “Cassie’s” makeup.” you snorted before going into the dressing room to assess the mauled actress.

you walked into the frantic backstage area. Ethan was pacing, Bobbi was reading over the script in confusion, the light people were reading a light manual, and the actors were huddled together.

“okay people get your shit together! we have a play to finish!” you yelled at them while making your way to the extra makeup kit.

“chair. now.” you said pointing at the blonde with smeared lip gloss and a loose lash.

“now get your ass on that carousel.” you mumbled before walking off back into the auditorium and hearing the last of Lexi’s words on stage.

“so even though he couldn’t be here with us tonight…this one’s for you.” she finished before disappearing.

“y/n!” some guy said making your presence known as you sat in your seat now alone. you felt a pat on your back and heard a few chants before someone came and sat right beside you.

you knew that smell. you smelt it everyday up until a few weeks ago. it kind of irked you, but you were trying.

“are you okay?” Elliot asked you.

now i know what your thinking.

why aren’t you pushing Elliot away? why aren’t you making a scene. you let Rue off the hook with a mini beating, but your cool now? so Elliot gets the same treatment?

well.

your dad had talked to you and honestly? moving on and forgiving, but not forgetting was way more peaceful than dwelling on it.

“you can hate them.” Ali told you. “you’re allowed to, but from here on out? what else you do is gonna determine your situation.”

you accepted their actions for what it was and forgiving wasn’t like you, but you were 18. you couldn’t cry then punch people forever.

when your dad told you Jules and Elliot both told Leslie about Rue using and her running away you felt your heartstrings pull.

you couldn’t imagine what it was like.

but that explained why a few weeks after you fought her at Fez’s house she told you she was clean. she was trying to get better. you wanted to be better too.

so you forgave her.

and if you could forgive her that meant you had to at least face Elliot.

“y/n please just wait!” he called out to as you stormed from Hayes’s office after Cassie’s impromptu attack with tears running down your face.

although Cal was long gone, his name ran long and his son still was able to pull strings. you had to promise to not press charges on Cassie and to never mention it again to get out of suspension.

she kept getting coddled and you hated it.

“Elliot please.” you tiredly mumbled. he stopped at your expression and the tears staining your face. the last time he saw you cry you had exposed him.

he didn’t like that expression on you.

“what’s wrong?” he asked in that caring tone he always had when you first started dating. you sighed before laying on the cold wall behind you and sliding down it.

you chuckled looking up at him as he looked down at your defeated frame.

“i exposed the truth and i’m still tired. i still can barely take it.” you let out a humorless laugh. “i should feel better.” you said looking at his cheek tattoo.

he crouched down and wiped the tears from your cheeks. you resisted the urge to lean in and push him away at the same time.

“i know me saying sorry doesn’t fix anything.” he softly said. “but i truly am sorry. when i say i loved you and i still do i mean it. i truly do. i treated you horribly and i’m sorry.” he sincerely said.

you took one big sniffle before nodding your head at him.

“…i know…and i forgive you.” a small smile broke onto his face before he grabbed your hand and squeezed.

you felt some warmth and had to force your small smile to go down. shaking your head and pulling your hand back to speak to him.

“i’m not ever going to forget what happened. i don’t have that luxury.” you stated. “that being said our relationship will never be the same. i don’t hate you, but i don’t think we’re ever going to be be close again.” you said struggling to stand with numb legs. you were ready to take a nap.

Elliot nodded at your words before he helped you up.

“at least i have something.” he smiled. you rolled your eyes before waving goodbye to him.

“Elliot.” you said in acknowledgment of the boy beside you as an actress that resembled you walked on to the stage again.

“Jade, Star, and i met the first day of preschool. i already knew Jade, but Star was new and gravitated towards us immediately. we were three very different people, but we were one.” Lexi narrated.

“there was once a time Star didn’t show up to school for around two weeks.” she added.

“she’s probably like, dead or something.” Jade said licking at her ice cream. Lexi smacked her shoulder and Jade quickly went to cradle her aching arm.

“don’t say that! she’s probably just sick. you know that orange chicken was green last week.” the audience laughed at her words. Jade let her arm go, nodded, and proceeded to eat her food. Lexi turns to the audience with a solemn look.

“the truth was Star’s mom had up and left her and there was no warning or reasoning why. Star hadn’t been to school because she had no ride. her food at home was running low, and there was not that much money left.” Lexi announced to the engaged crowd. your own eyes were watering as you were forced to live your truth again.

“Star never knew her father, but by a miracle the day before everything in her home was to be shut off, she was able to call him. he heard her voice and despite never knowing of her, he came running.” Lexi said walking into the darkness as the lights panned to another area.

Star was off to the side of the stage crying into a phone before Ethan appeared as her dad and took her away.

Star and Lexi laid on the ground staring up into the sky.

“she left me Lex…she fucking left me to die and he was right there, but she never admitted it.” Star cried into her chest. Lexi ran her hand over Star’s head.

“turns out her dad was close, but yet so far her entire life. her mom had her in the same town as her father, but never took her to him. little Star had so much to figure out. a new home, a new normal, once no dad and a mom to now, no mom and a dad.” Lexi sighed before continuing.

“Jade also had to figure things out too. a bit over a year later, Jade had to bury her father.” the curtain closed as they got ready for the last act.

the audience clapped as you sobbed into Elliot’s jacket. he patted your back and rubbed your head as you let everything out on him. you head was starting to hurt from the tears, but the show was starting back up.

“i was in the hall when you died…” Jade’s voice sucked you in.

you paid attention you looked at every little thing, including slightly laughing at the picture of you all at Rue’s father’s funeral. you stood up clapping and shouting as the cast bowed before the curtains closed for the final time in farewell.

Maddy and Cassie still weren’t back. Neither were BB and Kat. you felt bad they had to miss the rest of something so beautiful. you and Elliot walked past Jules who nodded at your and ignored Elliot, moving to go speak with Rue.

you went outside and waited for her. once she returned with no Jules you came to talk to her. Elliot was a yard away smoking a cigarette and watching you two.

“how are you feeling?” you asked her. she smiled and did a small squeal.

“i don’t feel…i don’t feel like a monster anymore. that play made me feel more human than I’ve ever felt these last five years.” she said smiling at you.

“i felt kind of exposed and overwhelmed, but it honestly was so freeing.” you said agreeing with her. you wish Fez could’ve experienced it.

little did you know the boy you knew who only wanted protect Fez and to make his money was laying on the cold floor, his entire life gone.

the same hall Fez first saw Ash was the same hall he saw Ash leave from.

“hey!” Lexi yelled running up to you two and giving you both a hug. Rue broke apart first.

“you’re a fucking genius!” Rue shouted.

“Julliard is needed now!” you shouted too.

she laughed at you two before gif and Rue joined in.

“you guys wanna go out and eat with me and my mom?” Lexi asked. She agreed, but you grimaced and sighed shaking your head.

“i’m going to Fez’s.” you explained. you needed to see what was up because you knew he wouldn’t miss this for anything minor.

“oh! tell him i’m not mad? i know something must have came up.” she rushed out as Suze called her name loudly.

“bye y/n!” Rue said as you started to leave.

“will do. i’ll see you later!” you called behind your shoulder.

y/n: i’m coming over :p

taglist: @jeyramarie @lainjupi @whitejuliana1204 @theeblackbarbiesworld @leawxlker @babadowie @xxloveralways14 @colbysbrocks @euphoruya @lselnerys @thecraziestcrayon

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crab-in-a-pocket · 3 years

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Maybeeee the bachelors and their crush with a playful back and forth teasing and flirting relationship? They just don't admit they like each other yet but its fairly obvious, and one day their crush just straight up admits they like them. How would the boys deal with that?

guess who's back bitchez!! thanks for the ask, anon, this was really fun to write :D brief hiatus over btw!! i'm back in business <33 seems short but i wrote this on my phone and i have no way to tell if it really is short or not but i hope yall enjoy nonetheless !! i'll edit it and add a "read more" sometime later when the wifi isnt as crappy on my laptop because the tumblr app is horseshit

tw: swearing

alex:

ok, wow, that was blunt and bold and super super hot

you two werre always pretty damn flirty but this is-- this is WOW

fucking speechless. eyes are flickering from your determined face, the bouquet in your hand, your suddenly extremely kissable lips (the kissability has been quadrupled due to this unforeseen circumstance)

he really didn't see it coming and nearly dropped one of his weights on his foot

he has no doubt about it because he can read the expressions on your face really well and damn it if you're fucking with him

but you're not and the bouquet in your outstretched hand is a little bit right in his face and his view of you is slightly obscured by the flowers

he plucks it from your hands, tosses it on his bed, takes you by the waist and kisses the living daylights out of you

sweetest shit ever but you are now alex's blunt translator

it's not a bad job, you get kisses for it

sam:

blush, blush, blush

ok, you two flirt exorbitantly but he has never blushed so hard in his life and... neither have you

nearly drops his guitar on his toes mid-jam

okay, you just BARGED in outta nowhere, regardless of your intentions, he gets startled

his mind registers your words and the bouquet and holy crap

you're standing in the middle of his bedroom, a little hot and sweaty from a typical day's work, holding a bouquet in your hands with a determined look in your face

sam's 70% sure he's in love when you tell him that you like like him and the sparkle in your eyes when he says "i'm in like with you, too" makes him feel like he's on cloud 9

he puts down his guitar, takes a flower from your bouquet, tucks it behind your ear, and then kisses you, slow and soft and so very heartfelt

is the one who goes on a tangent about how you confessed to him because he thinks it's the sweetest and coolest thing ever

sebastian:

surprised pikachu

he's awkward but he knows that all your flirting was leading somewhere

when you handed him the bouquet, a determined but strangely uncertain look in your eyes, he was so fucking relieved

so, he originally planned to confess to you in an unspeakably cheesy way

and THANK YOBA that you've saved him from himself

so, he just gets up from his desk, takes the bouquet and places it atop his computer and pulls you in a tight embrace

then, he kisses you. this part is surprisingly romantic-- he places his hand under your chin and presses the softest, lightest kiss on your lips, soft as a feather

he has a bright, endearing blush on his face and he could certainly say the same for you

he privately tells you some details about how he was going to confess but he stops after you fall over laughing

dork but he takes your sudden confession like a fucking champ

shane:

poor boy is wondering if you're fucking with him until he realizes you two are alone and the hint of hestitation on your face and the bright bouquet has him REELING

so, you really aren't joking or anything

i mean, you two teased each other and flirted a lot and he was usually on the receiving end of it so he takes everything you say with a healthy pinch of salt

he wants to ask you "what's that bouquet for?" in a calm, casual voice but when he says it, his voice is unusually quiet and strained

he didn't hear what you said and so you repeat it: "i like you. romantically. do you like me back? i mean, you don't have to tell me right now, you can think on it--"

shane very nearly tackles you. he hugs you so, so tightly, the bouquet crushed between your chests. and he tells you that yeah, i like you back.

and you two are kissing, kissing, kissing in his coop, charlie clucking at your feet and his blue chickens clucking in confusion

harvey:

confuzzled at the sight of the bouquet until you flat-out tell him that you like like him

his face just drains of color and you stop in the middle of your ramble, asking him if he doesn't feel the same way and if he's ok

he reassures you with a faint voice that, yes, he feels the same way but he also says that he thinks he's having an out of body experience and needs to have a quick lie-down

ok, wow, you actually like him and you are no longer just going to tease and flirt non-stop because you two are going to be an actual couple holy shit

you're bewildered but elated so you acquiesce and help him onto his doctor's bed, a concerned look on your face all the while

so you're just sitting next to harvey, tentatively stroking his hair while he has his out of body experience

he comes to a little later then sits up and asks you if he can kiss you. you beam and lean in for a kiss, soft and slow and so, very sure

elliot:

speechless. has Zero words for the way he's feeling right now and he is just so damn happy but he keeps opening his mouth like a fish in a tank because he keeps thinking of something to say but it's not enough

like, DUDE, he's used to your sly flirtations, innuendos, and suggestive smiles not... you being a mumbling, blushing mess.

he was super surprised when you walked in, holding a colorful bouquet of random flowers and shoving it at him, mumbling something so quickly he failed to catch it the first time

"i... what?"

"oh for the love of yoba, i said i like you romantically."

speechless, fucking speechless. so, he does the next best thing instead of talking. he takes you in his arms and pulls you in for soft, tender kiss

he deepens the kiss and presses you against the wall-- there really are times when actions speak louder than words

#sdv hcs #sdv headcanons #stardew headcanons #stardew hcs #sdv alex #sdv sam #sdv sebastian #sdv shane #sdv harvey #sdv elliot #stardew valley #asks open #stardew valley hcs #sdv bachelors #stardew bachelors

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anonil88 · 2 years

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Euphoria Season 2 Finale live blog:

I am not fucking ready. This little preview before episode has my heartbeat racing.

🎭Spoilers below as always🍿

Oh Fez. "I saved the best seat in the house for you." 😭

Fuck you custard. Faye is a real fucking one, let's go Faye let's fucking go. She's sober and safe with Fez and Ash.

Ashtray said fuck that noise. God dammit Ash. Now Fez definitely going to prison for Ash's fastness. God dammit.

Aw Fez and Lexi really had dreams and an honest friendship/relationship. I'm very upset that this all went to hell, also look at Angus finally getting some lines.

Fuck man I'm so mad at Ash like I get it but I am also upset like he's so rash.

Rue said: what the fuck is Cassie on.

Suze said shit is about to hit the fan.

This is bad. Oh fuck Cassie is about to drag her sister and tarnish everything entirely. Yea Cassie is broken.

This is not the play, oh thank God Suze is trying to difuse the situation and there's no way she can.

Cassie is right but also wrong because Lexi has trauma too. Not her getting sexualized while being a damn mess.

Maddy is like bitch let's fight bitch.

Lexi you did not put the carousel into the play.

Yoooo Maddy get her ass. Kat said girl chill, not BB with her vape hyping this shit up.

Suze really stayed diffusing this situation until the very end. That's a mess.

Ah sober Rue talking to Elliot should be interesting. I wonder what he will or won't tell her about that night. But it is wild that they are both so chill and understanding with eachother still.

Oh we're getting a Dominic Fike track okay then.....he's serenading her. I dont want it to be romantic but if they both stayed sober they might stay long long friends. Idk though but her does like likes her though. Rue and Jules are definitely going to need some time to talk like really talk and converse though. I just im quite confused by what's happening in this boys bedroom right now. He will be back for season 3 though possibly so we will see. That scene was too damn long like I dont really care about his album but I'm glad he's having his moment.

Omg someone finally chose truth.

Yea the play isn't over yet and life ain't over either. Time to see this final act through, which I'm really excited to see.

Aw Rue is such a good ass friend.

"Giddy Up." Come through with the one liners Bobbi. Lexi being honest and giving a tribute to Fez gives me chills. Fez gonna do everything to try to give Ashtray a life.

Yea the feds are here.

Wtf are you doing ash? THIS IS NOT A MOVIE ASH, YOU'RE GOING TO GET BOTH OF YALL KILLED. He put them both at risk entirely.

Is nate going to try to kill his dad? That sure would be stupid on his end. Nate is so tall compared to his dad but also if he does this in front of all these people he's so stupid.

Yea that is exactly what you learned from your dad, how to be violent. Its kind of like the play these people don't know what is happening and Cal and Nate do.

Nate is about to spill the beans, ugh not the dream. You're trying to protect your dad but he never asked for your protection. Not Nate looking like a sad child finally receiving love. Revenge solves absolutely nothing Nate unless you called the cops. He did it. Omg Nate finally did something right for once in his life, good for him. Maybe he will be a better person after this.

My question is what are they arresting him for? Also not Nate backing out of the room just like when he was a little kid.

ASH STOP. The bullet that hit Fez was Ash's not the cops. If Fez dies it will be Ash's fault not the cops.

You shot a cop cold blooded, Fez can't save you no more.

Rue's eulogy is so so sad and I think...yep Lexi put it into her play. Aw Rue sweetheart. Her dad and Rue mirror eachother.

All of them at 15/16 had an awful ass year. 8th grade is ass.

I hear that Labrinth song in the back.

This isn't even a eulogy this is just pain and trauma.

Fez is going to go to jail as a different man than he was.

Aw Rue, yea ms girl sit with those feelings. Sober Rue looks good and healthy.

I'm glad these two, Lexi and Rue, get to reconcil their friendship. They both kind of need to because their mutual closest friend was taken by the police.

Really loving how Lexi ended this play. Rue needs her friends, but also Suze thats not the time for a photo.

Rue needs a healthy coping mechanism also idk if Lexi should be a pillar of mental health. Cause that was partly healthy but also not because her sister absolutely hates her. Rue needs to learn how to talk and be honest.

Loosing a parent both through abandonment and death is fucking hard. You absolutely cannot hold on to the anger stage of grief or let it paralyze you because it will.

This is a good step in the right direction Rue, really really good.

Oh? This is the play? Wait but she talks about the play after....I'm so confused.

Cassie's face is fucked and all Maddy has is a scratch. Some people honestly go through this, fight, and reconcile. But, Cassie you should not be excited for that.

I'm highkey worried for what is about to happen between Rue and Jules right now but also I think the two of them talking is good. But also Jules love is great but you gotta apologize, love is not enough and doesn't take the place of saying I'm sorry. Cassie and Jules both need to work on the issues Rue said I love you but I'm not ready.

You were too high for most of it unfortunately.

So we're definitely seeing them in their senior year for season 3. I'm entirely okay with that because I don't want nor do I think they can push a fourth without a co writer. Not a producer co writing or reading scripts. But someone sitting down and saying let me help you write this and develop the script with him.

Ayy zendaya singing love that but also I kind of prefer the original version. Rue said I was sober not by my own volition though and I don't know who I was high which is sad but honest.

Thoughts: Not a bad finale but the pacing issues do persist. And persist they do. If I rate it ill give it a 7.5 to 8 leaning to 7.5 whereas season 1 finale was a 9.5. I'm going to sit with this one and really write out my thoughts and review. It will be in a separate thing from my full season review or maybe not but I'm hmmm. I believe some things were cut though. What I will say is I relate oh so much to Rue in a lot of ways as I do many of the characters and I really do love them all. Even with their messy ass actions. I yea imma have to sit on this one cause I have thoughts but I need to really formulate them. I need some answers in season 3.

(A message to my bestfriend I watch with: There's 0 closure for Maddy, Nate, or Cassie and they are all seniors. So Rue is going to tell us she stayed sober and thats it but we don't know what happened. They could fill us in in the season 3 opener but like wtf. We also said the math ain't mathing.)

#euphoria spoiler #spoiler #euphoria #euphoria hbo #live blog #liveblog #live react

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normal-thoughts-official · 3 years

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The world keeps spinning (it really shouldn't)

Vance did it. He defeated Josephine, saved his grandpa and Elliot, and saved the town. Everything's fixed.

No. Everything is awful. He failed, and now his friend- now Tom is gone.

And he'd rather fight Josephine all over again, because it'd be easier than what he has to do now- tell Andy about it.

Fandom: It Lives (Visual Novels)

Relationships: Andy Kang/Tom Sato, Danni Asturias/Imogen Wescott, (dannimogen is background and very brief but i couldn't resist), Andy Kang & Ava Cunningham & Lucas Thomas & Lily Ortiz

Additional Tags: tom dies and everything is awful, Angst, Grief/Mourning, Friendship, for basic context im going with the version of ILITW that i got, which is that everyone survived and noah took jane's place, and then for ILB i did the version where tom dies obviously, (which is not the version i got), (everyone survived), (i feel the need to say this for my own ego), but anyway i was like what if tho. andy would be devastated, and then... this happened?, only difference from canon is that ILITW MC told everyone about noah a lot before, also like. imma be real with yall, im physically uncapable of giving my MCs serious names, so ILB MC was named That Bitch and i didnt want to give him a real name, cuz it felt like betrayal, so im just calling him vance for this one, is it his nickname? is he called vance vance? dont worry about it, Anyway that's it, Pining, you know. before the death part. it's mentioned, also we're ignoring the whole richard tries to murder MC thing, cuz i dont have time for that, so pretend ILB ended on chapter 17, Hopeful Ending, considering the theme i mean

Read it on Ao3

The city of Westchester looks exactly the same, but somehow feels a lot less wholesome, now. Vance walks in it and feels like a corpse among the living, like a ghost screaming to everyone that something's wrong. And being ignored.

It shouldn't look the same, without Tom.

But no one knows, yet.

He swallows, running a hand behind the nape of his neck. That's why he's here, anyway - they should know, they deserve to know, and he doesn't want to have the funeral without Tom's friends there.

Which is why he's going to tell Andy. Himself, in person. Because he might not know him very well, but he wants to do the right thing, and that's the least Andy deserves. He knows there's no one Tom loved like he did Andy, and from what he's seen of them together, the feeling was mutual.

He has to do this. But he feels sick, just thinking about that bond, and how it was ruined.

How could he let this happen to them?

He was so cocky, so stupid, so reckless... He thought everything would turn out okay. Assumed it would, even, because it kept getting him through it, to think that everything would turn out fine.

God. What a joke.

He walks into the little diner Andy had recommended. I'm sure you've heard of that place, Tom loves it, he had texted. We always went there to celebrate our wins back in high school. His stomach had churned, but he didn't say anything, because he wasn't going to tell Andy via text. He has to do this right. It's the least he owes him.

So he pretended that everything was fine, and agreed to meet him there. Woke up, and dragged himself to the place, trying to muster up the courage to face the world that seemed to not even care about his mistakes.

When he gets to the diner's door, he takes a deep breath, trying to ground himself for what he's about to do. Face his own mistakes. Face the pain he caused when he failed them both.

He walks in, and to his relief, and despair, Andy is already there. He smiles brightly when he sees Vance, and Vance wants to disappear.

"Vance! Nice to see you, dude. I heard about what went down in Pine Springs, glad you're okay," he says, not giving time for Vance to answer before continuing, this weird sense of calm and sympathy about him. "So, I assume you still need help with that ghost? From what I've seen in the news, it seemed like you handled it pretty well, but it's not like they are giving us supernatural updates or anything, so I figured there were still some loose ends to tie. Are the other guys coming? Where's Tom?" he looks over behind Vance, and Vance wants to die at the question. God, how is he going to tell him? He didn't really think about that, beyond the part where he has to. "I kind of thought you'd come together again. Bad move to come separated, Tom is always late to everything, I swear if it weren't for me he'd have been kicked out of the team for missing practice too many times. And I'm not the most punctual guy in the world, mind you, but I still had to drag his ass there so he'd be on time- is everything okay?"

Vance is a little shocked by the question. It's not, but what is he supposed to answer? "Andy," he says, a little careful, "things… went a little wrong, back there."

"Oh, shoot," he says, "I'm sorry, man, I kinda assumed, when I heard about how the flooding and the animal attacks were in full swing and then just stopped suddenly, that that was when you got rid of the ghost, you know? And seeing you all in one piece… I thought it was over already. Do you need help? I can round up the guys, and we can go-"

"No, Andy," Vance says, "the ghost is gone."

Andy looks at him, confused. "Then what's the problem?"

"Tom," he says, then winces when he sees all the color drain from Andy's face.

Andy waits for barely a second, then breaks into anxious questioning. "Tom? Why? What do you mean? Is he hurt? How bad is it? Did he have to go to the hospital? Where is he?"

Vance wants to cry. God. God. He can't do this. "Andy..."

Andy just looks at him, eyes wild, terrified, and it hasn't even hit him yet. "Vance. Vance. Please. What happened? Does Tom need me? Because if so, we need to go-"

"Tom's gone," he says, and it leaves him in a rush, a whisper, taking with it the last of his energy. He's empty, and somehow, it's still awful. "He's… he's dead, Andy."

Andy looks at him, eyes wide, unfocused, lost. "This isn't funny," he says. "If Tom put you up to this, knock it off right now. Tell him not to ever joke about-"

"Andy," Vance says, then swallows. "Tom wouldn't joke about that. You know that."

"No, he wouldn't, but..." His eyes begin to water, panic settling in, gaze darting across the room as if searching for him, "But… No. No. No, knock it off."

Vance starts crying before Andy does. "I'm sorry, Andy."

--------

Andy is in shock. He freezes in place, mouth hanging open, everything about him completely still except for his eyes, still so damn wide, still searching the place, searching Vance, begging for something, anything. Vance sits him back down on the table, gently, and Andy lets himself be handled back, eyes still not settling on him.

"I'm sorry," Vance says. "I… I promised you that I would take care of him. I tried, but… I'm so sorry."

"How?" he asks, "how could this happen? This isn't… After Redfield, when everyone survived, I just… I didn't think any of us could lose to another monster, I..." He shakes his head, vigorously, desperately. "This was supposed to be over. We were done, we were free, it was supposed to be over, we were all supposed to be safe, it shouldn't..."

"I'm sorry. It all happened so fast, I… If I had been faster, maybe..."

"Well, it's a bit late for that now," Andy snaps, and Vance bites his lip, not recoiling, because he deserves it. Then Andy stops, as if realizing what he had said, and for a second, his eyes seem clear again. He shakes his head. "No. I'm sorry. I… If there's anything I've learnt from everything that happened, it's that we can't point fingers when things get hard." He finally looks up at Vance, shaking, eerily still, nothing like the guy he was just seconds ago. He's wrecked, Vance thinks, and he wants to tear at himself in guilt. "What happened? Did he- did he drown, or… Did the ghost..."

"We were fighting monsters," Vance explains. "There were just… So many of them, and it all happened so fast, I..." he looks away, not daring to look back at the memory, not daring to remember the awful scene. As if he has to. Everytime he closes his eyes, it's back, punishing him. "We got his body," he explains. "Pine Springs is taking the victims to mass graves, but we wanted to give him a proper burial. I thought… You'd want to come."

Andy seems surprised, like that hadn't crossed his mind. "You haven't buried him yet?"

Vance bites his lip. "No. We're doing it tonight. We didn't have the time before, and… Well, I thought you'd want to be there. And I think he'd have wanted his body to be in Westchester, so..." He trails off.

Andy looks at him, hesitant. He bites his lip, looks away, then back at him. "Can I see the body?"

Vance does recoil, this time. He wasn't expecting this question. "I… You won't want to."

"What do you mean, I won't want to? I need to say goodbye to him, I-"

"Andy," he says, as gently as possible, because he deserves Andy's anger, all of it, but he won't let him do that to himself. "You won't want to remember him like that. His body…" He looks at Andy's eyes. He's still furious, livid, shaking, and he's lost, and Vance realizes that he doesn't get it, doesn't understand what Vance is saying, and this might be even worse than having to tell him Tom is dead. "It's torn to pieces, Andy. There's not much for you to see."

Andy freezes, for the second time that day. "Was he- oh, god," he looks at his own shaky hands, somehow even more in shock than before. "Was it… At least, was it quick?"

Vance starts crying again. He opens his mouth to answer. He can't. He chokes on the words, on his guilt, on his uselessness. "I'm so sorry, Andy."

------

Andy throws up. Once, twice. He doesn't insist on looking at the body. Obviously, he can't. Just imagining it- it's too much.

He tries to comfort Vance, because he- he's trying to do better, with his anger, with his impulsiveness, but all he can think about is how much he wants to destroy something, and honestly, the whole conversation is a blur. He punches the wall instead, once he gets home. And throws up. Again and again. Sends his friends a message, letting them know about the funeral. Cries. Punches the wall again. And again, and again, hoping that his hands will start to bleed, that he'll tear himself apart. His mom asks what's got him so angry, and he yells, "Tom is dead!". Her face twists in shock, and he can't look at it. He runs away.

Being back outside is almost worse. Everything- it should be in shambles. The whole town, the whole world should be on fire, fizzling, filled with screams and despair, like Andy is. He's never lived in a world without Tom before, never been away from him his whole life, and it shouldn't look like it's just the same. Everything should be gone, destroyed. And it is, but it doesn't look that way, and Andy wants to tear it all apart until it makes sense, at least.

He hates Westchester now. He hates it. God damn the stupid woods, and the stupid cult, and the fucking Power! God damn Andy for telling Tom about it, for letting him become this sort of- monster hunter, for believing that just because they overcame a ghost once, it would keep happening if they pushed their luck.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

Tom can't be dead. It's impossible.

How can Andy still be standing, if Tom isn't here?

---------

He wanders like that the rest of the day, not noticing the hunger that builds up after going a whole day without eating, not noticing the passersby looking at him worriedly, not noticing the thousands of missed calls from his mom, not noticing anything but this awful despair. He knows the feeling of wanting to claw his chest off intimately well, but it's never been like that before. He wants to carve himself hollow. He wants to scream. He wants to run. And he runs from the all-encompassing nothingness, even though he has nowhere to go.

He goes from angry to empty, and then back to angry, all day long, and the day passes in a blur.

--------

Andy meets up with Vance and two girls from their crew. Their group was pretty small, he realizes. A lot smaller than Andy's was, all those years ago. Three years ago. Forever ago. Another lifetime. Just yesterday.

The cemetery is empty, but there's a grave with a black casket they're standing next to. "I thought all the cemetery crew was helping Pine Springs," he says, like he cares. Honestly, he hadn't thought about the logistics of this at all.

"They are," Vance confirms, serious. "You, uh… You know about Noah, right…?"

Andy nods. "Yeah, we, uh, reintroduced ourselves to him a little after you guys left." It was weird, to say the least. All that anger, all that betrayal, bubbling up again right when they had all started to move on from what had happened, to think that it was over… The urge to scream at him, demand answers… And then seeing all the hurt, and the confusion, and remembering that they had loved Noah, once, most of their lives, and that at the end of the day, the only one who had suffered from his actions was himself.

It wasn't easy to forgive. Not to Andy. Or Stacy. Or Ava. But they had been working on it. Maybe they couldn't forgive, much less forget, but at the same time, they couldn't get rid of that bond, either.

Still… "What does this have to do with… With Tom?" If Noah had anything to do with his death, Andy would kill him all over again. He doesn't care about his freaky powers, he'll die if he has to, but Noah will pay.

"He, uh, helped. Dig the grave and, uh, get a casket. That's how we got everything ready."

Oh. "I… I see," he says. "Is he here?"

"No. I told him you guys were coming, and he said it was better if he left."

"Oh," Andy answers. "I guess that's… Yeah. Still..." he raises his voice a little bit, in the direction of the woods. "Thank you, Noah."

He doesn't see or hear anything, not really, but still, somehow, he can tell that Noah is pleased. He can picture Noah's smile and that fragile little "friendsss..."

He sighs, suddenly exhausted.

Vance seems to notice, god bless his soul. "Are the others coming?", he asks, gently.

"Lily, Lucas, and Ava are," Andy replies. "The rest were out of town, and they… They won't make it."

"I'm sorry."

Andy kicks a pebble. "It's fine," he says. It's the kind of lie that's so absurd that it becomes true. Nothing is fine. It'll never be fine. So it doesn't matter at all, and it ends up being fine.

Vance seems to realize what's going through his head, somehow, because he looks unsure of what to say. Finally, he settles on, "uh, Andy. These are Danni, and Imogen," he says, gesturing to each of them, and Andy musters up enough energy to look at their faces while he does that, at least. Then, his eyes widen for a second, finally taking in what they look like.

"Wait, you're Imogen Wescott?" he says, a little dumbfounded. "When I heard that name, I kinda expected you to be, you know..."

"White and insufferable?" Imogen asks, a little smile directed at him, so gentle he can barely handle it. "Yeah. That's why I'd rather go by Genny, usually."

Danni frowns at her, slightly troubled. "You never told me that."

Imogen's smile turns a little brighter. "Oh, no, not for you, Danni. For you, I'd rather go by 'babe'".

Danni also smiles at her, and they squeeze each other's hands, and the edges of grief seem to turn just a little softer for them both. Andy can tell that things get just a little easier for them, just a little less grim, because they have each other. And he needs to look away, wants to run, because he and Tom… They could've… In a way, they were...

He feels like he's ready to run again. God, he fucked up so bad. What was he supposed to do now, how could he get better when the one thing in the world that always made him feel better was Tom? He lost him, he's gone, it's over, and somehow it hadn't hit quite the way it did at that moment, looking at that connection, that love that showed through grief. He averts his eyes, feeling wild and cornered, and turns back right in time to almost run into Lily - who looks devastated, and reaches out to touch his arm. Which feels crazy, because Andy is raw, and his whole body is bleeding, and rotting away, and who would touch him-

"I'm so sorry, Andy." She says, and Andy finds himself hugging her tight, and he feels like she should wither, die at his touch, suffocate, but she just hugs him back and pats him and Andy cries on her shoulder, and he's never cried in front of her before, much less like this. But he can't stop, he can't do anything, he's so heavy and dizzy and lost-

And Lily is stronger than they give her credit for, because she holds him, this endless weight that is him, even when he shakes and stains her sweater with tears, like it's nothing. She feels so solid, right then, the only solid thing in the world. She's got him, Andy knows, and it's like finally he ran into something he can take shelter in. He takes a deep breath, then another, and holds on for dear life.

"I'm sorry," is the first thing he says, maybe the only thing he knows how to say right now. Maybe this is how Jane felt, in the end - this endless spectre of regret, bigger than everything, than everyone, encompassing her and drowning her until it ate her whole and left her empty, with only the Power and its evil inside her.

He's so tired, but he's not empty, not yet.

He almost wants to be.

"Don't apologize," Lily says, so sad and sympathetic, and it takes Andy a moment to realize what she's even talking about. "I'm really sorry, I..."

It's only then that Andy's eyes focus enough to see Ava and Lucas standing a little after her, their faces twisted with sadness and bodies frozen in place. At times like this, it really is obvious that Lily is the bravest out of all of them, by far. Andy doesn't think he's ever cried in front of any of them, and Lucas and Ava look- completely lost.

Lucas is the first to talk, out of them both. His voice is very soft. "Andy, if there's anything you need..."

Ava interrupts, words leaving her way too fast. "We'll be staying with you tonight." She blinks for a second, frowning at Lucas. "Sorry, I, uh, hadn't realized you were talking." She looks like she just came out of a daze. She probably had been running that in her head for a while. Lucas puts his hand on her shoulder, and Ava runs a head on her neck, embarrassed.

"It's okay," Andy answers, even though her apology wasn't directed at him. "You don't have to, you know, watch over me or..." He trails off.

"We're not leaving you alone," Ava says, resolute. "You know the others couldn't come, but we all agreed that we should be… You know..."

Andy chokes on something he can't quite feel. He looks down at his feet, and he hasn't felt this small in years. "I… Okay."

Ava reaches out to him, hesitant, and gives him a little pat on the shoulder. Lucas starts rubbing his back soothingly, and, very awkwardly, they gravitate into a group hug. Andy can see the nervousness in Ava's eyes, the worry that she's doing this wrong somehow, like a hug is the most complex thing in the world, and he tries to muster up a little smile of encouragement to her, but he's forgotten how to do that. He doesn't know how to do anything, anymore.

Slowly, they separate, and all three of them still keep some sort of touch with Andy - even Ava, with her hand close to his shoulder - like they're trying to anchor him, but he drifts away anyway, lost in whatever it is that's left of himself.

Vance looks down at him for a moment, as if waiting for a signal, but Andy doesn't know for what, so he waits for Vance to figure it out. Finally, he says, "should we start?"

Andy frowns. "Wasn't there some other guy with you? Pork something?"

Vance, Imogen, and Danni all look at each other, uncertain, surprised, for a moment. It's Imogen who speaks up. "He… He left us."

Ava swallows. "Did he also..."

"No," she says, shaking her head, sadly. "He, uh, deserted the group."

"He what?" Someone asks, shocked, almost outraged, and when Andy sees the looks in everyone's faces, he realizes that it was him.

"He couldn't take it," Vance says, face twisted with sadness. "All the fighting, the monsters… He left."

Andy is shaking. Falling apart. About to explode. "When?"

Vance doesn't look at him. "Right before the final battle."

"He abandoned you when you were going up against the evil ghost?"

"He..." Vance begins, then finds that he has nothing else to say. "Yeah."

"How…" Andy begins, lost for words, and then it happens. He explodes. "How dare he!" He screams. "Tom was counting on him, he trusted him, he needed him, and he just left? He should have been there! He should have been there, he should," Andy looks at his own hands, in shock, watching them tremble and go out of focus, like there are tears blocking his vision, and he feels sick, on the verge of death, and he realizes that he's not talking about that guy at all. "He should have been there!" He slips from his own control, falling to his knees, covering his face, feeling shame, shame, shame, hatred, disgust. "He should… I should… Oh God, I just let him go alone..."

"Andy..." Someone says. Maybe Lucas. Maybe Lily. Maybe the Imogen girl. It sounds so sympathetic. He wants to claw at his own skin and hide.

"I should have been there, I shouldn't… I had experience, what was I thinking..."

"Tom didn't want you to go," someone else says, gently. "I was there when you talked, remember? You didn't abandon him. You said you were going to come, and he told you not to."

"Tom.. Tom is not my damn boss," Andy answers, still covering his face, feeling the tears stop spilling and start to drown him from the inside, and god damn T, the least Tom deserves is for him to be able to cry properly- "I-I should have… gone," he chokes, shaking.

The next one who speaks is Ava. "He wouldn't have wanted you to be at risk, Andy."

"I don't care. I don't care. I'm selfish like that, I'd rather it was me. I could have helped him, I could have saved him, even if I had to- to take his place..."

"Andy..." is all Ava says, sounding shaken, devastated.

"Fuck!" He screams, punching the ground beneath him as if trying to punish the earth for taking Tom. "He would have never left me like that, I could always count on Tom, I could always..." he feels his chest constrict, or maybe burst, with all the tears and horror inside of him, like he's cracking from the inside. "Always..." he can't form the words, can't find the air, and he falls in on himself, more, more, more, closing in, suffocating, "always..." he can't breathe. He can't breathe. He tries to draw it in, to keep himself steady, but every time he tries to bring it in, the air escapes from him again, further, abandoning him, and he wheezes, again, again, closing in further, suffocating, oh God, he's going to die…

"It's a panic attack!" Someone screams, then kneels beside him, putting their hands on his shoulders. "Andy. Andy. Focus on me. You need to breathe. Deep lungfuls. Come on. I'll count to four. Keep breathing in. 1… 2..."

"Can't," he wheezes. It's too strong, like there's something… Something constricting his chest, inside and outside, and then he realizes… "Binder." He sits down straighter, no longer closing in on himself, and that awful vulnerability gets even worse, but it's easier to breathe. He follows the person's counts… 1, 2, 3, 4… Then up to five, then to six, then to seven, then eight… Until finally he doesn't need help, and he opens his eyes and contemplates the absolute mess that he is, and Imogen's kind, relieved face just inches from him.

"Good, Andy, you did well… I have these sometimes, too, I know how scary they are, you were so brave..." Imogen keeps on saying, painfully understanding, and he nods, a bit exhausted to explain. He didn't take his binder off all day, didn't remember… And if he wears it for too long, he's more prone to hyperventilating, especially if he's stressed. Tom knew that. Tom would have known what was going on. Tom… Fuck.

"I'm sorry," he says, to everyone, and no one in particular.

"Don't apologize. We're all glad you're okay," Lily says, and he realizes that, somehow, she had also kneeled beside him and brought him into another hug. He hides his face on her shoulder, shaking his head, trying to breathe. Breathing. She pets his head, a little bit, and he can feel some more touch, too - little pats on his shoulder and back, all gentle, not crowding him, like he's some sort of wild animal they're trying to calm down.

God, what a mess.

He holds Lily tighter, wanting to hide from the world. She lets him, because it's the kind of person Lily is. He feels himself drift away, for a while, but Lily's still petting his head and he can't lose himself completely. He shakes his head, wanting to fight it, almost wanting to get away from Lily, but he can't escape the gentleness in her embrace. He still can't cry, but he feels his eyes water and burn anyway, and he shakes his head against Lily's shoulder. He just wants this to be over. Please, he's so exhausted.

His breaths even, despite himself, but Andy keeps shaking, and he keeps shaking his head slightly against Lily. He wants this to end, it has- has to be a nightmare…

"Shh, Andy, don't hold it in, it's okay," Lily says, slowly, sadly, and Andy shakes his head more vigorously. No. He can't be weak right now, it's only going to make it last longer. He needs to end it, can't be done with this until Tom has gotten his goodbyes.

It's the least Andy owes him, now that there's nothing else he can do.

So, he speaks up.

"We should go on," he says, suddenly feeling resolute. It's easier to do this if he has something to focus on. He needs to see this through the end, for Tom. If he thinks only about that...

"Are you sure?" Vance asks, hesitant.

Andy nods, forcing his vision to focus. "He needs to rest."

----------

Everyone's speeches go by in a blur. Vance talks about how good Tom's heart was, how he was willing to drop everything to go help a bunch of strangers, how everyone could always count on him. He cries, and he says he's sorry, and the girls put their arms around him, tell him that he did his best. Imogen brings up how kind he was, and Danni talks about his strength. They really loved him, Andy notices, and feels his heart settle just a little bit. He was loved till the end. Of course he was.

Lucas talks about how supportive Tom was, how he was always uplifting everyone around him and would let Lucas babble on about conservation for hours. Lily brings up how much he believed in her and supported her when she was making her videogames. Ava says that Tom was the only one who ever saw her looking up Westchester's history and cults and just… Sat down with her and helped, understanding that she needed this to feel safe, to feel ready, and sharing that burden of getting ready for a disgrace, just a little bit. Andy never knew that Tom had been joining Ava for research. He could've helped with that, too. He could have done a lot of things, if he had paid more attention.

He's left for last, and a part of him wants to be a coward, to stay silent, but that was never his style.

"When Tom had turned into a zombie," he begins, "Redfi- Jane made him hurt me. And I wasn't worried for myself. I was worried for him. I wanted him back, no matter what it took, no matter what happened to me," he begins, not looking at anyone in particular, because he knows most of them already know this story, but he's not going to- he's not going to deny Tom the chance to know how he felt about him, before he rests. It's the least Andy owes him.

So, he takes a deep breath and goes on, pushing himself into saying something that matters.

"Then our friends showed up, and they said that Tom was still there. That I had to reach out to him. So I tried. I talked to him about our childhood. About how much he had been supporting me… How he was my best friend. He was hesitant, but so… Scared. I didn't know what to do. Tom and I always got each other..." He loses himself a little, shaking his head, purging the thoughts that were keeping him from going on, "And then someone said, 'Andy's hurt. H-he needs help'." He loses focus for a second, and that can't happen. He takes a breath, tries to make himself talk. "And just like that… Tom came back.

"He extended his hand to me, and helped me to my feet, and suddenly there was color in his face again, and for a second he wasn't even confused as to what the hell was going on, he just wanted to make sure I was okay. He came back because I needed him. Because he couldn't bear to hurt me. He was always there for me, and I… I don't think I ever needed him more than right now."

He stops a minute, to look at the faces surrounding him. There's a grief in them that looks almost like… Pity.

And Andy isn't even mad about it. He feels pitiful.

"I'm not the best guy with words," he admits, "so I don't know how to express how much this meant to me, or how much Tom meant to me. No one understood me like him. Tom is… Was… No, is a part of me. Maybe the best part of me, because I loved him more than anything else about myself. I'll miss him for the rest of my life." He looks down at Tom's grave, carved out of anything else to say. "I love you, buddy."

It's not the greatest speech that's ever been given, but it's what he can say, and at least he's done it. He'll be able to do better, later. He'll come back to talk to him again. As many times as he can, for as long as he can. He swears on that.

Andy steps back from the grave, and doesn't look as they slowly fill it, covering the closed casket with dirt. He finally allows himself to let the exhaustion catch up with him, and is overcome by that blissful, blissful emptiness.

---------

He's fully expecting himself to drop asleep as soon as they get to Ava's place. They decided to stay there for the night, because Andy still doesn't want to face his mom, to see that same grief in her, for her to want to talk to him, to tell him that everything would be fine. He can't do that, not today. At least Lucas had enough foresight to warn her of where they are, so she should leave him alone for now. Lucas is very reliable in a crisis, Andy thinks, making a note to himself to thank him properly later.

But he can't sleep. He's too exhausted to even rest. And for some reason, even though he doesn't want to talk, that's exactly what he found himself doing for the past few hours. Vomiting up all sorts of memories and thoughts, ranging from funny moments he had with Tom to all of his regrets, and Andy's always been kind of a stress-talker, but it's never been like this. He feels like he's been skinned alive; there's nothing to hold himself together, to hold anything at all in.

He cries all the tears he didn't think he had left in him anymore, and he curses himself, and the guy who left them in the end, and Noah, and the Power, and the cult, and himself again. He scratches his own skin until Lucas gently takes his hands in his, stopping him from doing more of it. And he talks, through all of that. Talks and talks and talks.

The words make him drift through memories, through states of mind, and he knows he's so damn volatile today, it's like he can't anchor himself to a feeling, but his friends put up with him anyway.

Finally, he starts to settle into this sort of… Slowness, like his mind is clear, or maybe blank, even as he keeps on thinking. And he keeps talking through it, letting all the minor regrets have their turn after he's too damn done to keep dealing with the worst parts.

"I never told him I was in love with him," Andy says, staring at the three empty mattresses in front of him, because it's easier than looking at any of his friends, who are currently sitting right beside him, as he babbles on. "I was going to, you know? After R- Jane. I had almost died, so I figured, you know- yolo, and all that. And then I told myself, 'I'll wait until I'm out of the hospital.' And then I started to think… What if he didn't feel the same way? What if things got weird? What if I end up losing him? And I never told him," he looks at his own feet, "and now I lost him anyway."

They all just look at him. They used up all the "I'm sorry, Andy"s left in them a long time ago, he thinks. There's only so many platitudes you can muster up when you know they're worthless, when you're just repeating yourself.

God bless them for trying, though. They're sticking with him through their own- everyone's inadequacy to deal with what's going on. Andy can't thank them enough for that.

"He knew you loved him," Ava says, serious, and Andy frowns at her, doubtful. "He might not have known you were in love with him, but… He knew how much he meant to you. I'm sure of it."

Andy laughs, humorless, "did you finally get those mind reading powers you wanted?" he says. It falls flat, but they pretend it doesn't, for his sake.

Ava rolls her eyes. "Don't be an ass, Kang," she says. "No. I just… I can tell. Anyone can."

Andy bites his lip, looking away.

She presses on, as gently as she can. "Besides, you also know, don't you? Regardless of anything else… Tom loved you, just as much as you loved him."

"I still love him," Andy says, before he can think about it, and a weird kind of shame creeps up on him - for saying it, for not saying it sooner, for realizing that this… It'll probably never go away, even now that it's completely pointless, that it's just proof of his cowardice.

"That's… Normal," Lily says, fiddling a little with her sweater. "You don't forget someone just like that, just because something happened. I mean, look at me and Britney. It took me years to get over her, and even then, I had to have supernatural forces show me exactly who she was, first."

"She didn't deserve you," Ava says.

"Maybe not. It doesn't matter now," Lily says. "The point is… It's okay to still love him."

Andy hugs his knees. "I don't think anything is okay, right now."

"That's okay, too."

They stay in silence for a moment, and then Lucas speaks up. "I know 'it gets better' stories don't really help at times like these," he says, "so I won't tell you that, but… I know what it's like, to feel like nothing will ever be okay, ever be enough. So… At least you're not alone, in that feeling."

Andy's mouth does something. It's not a smile, but it's what it can do right now. "Yeah. At least it's not like last time," he says. "With Jane. We all fell apart, and… It felt really lonely, even though..." He chokes up. "I had Tom."

Lucas rubs at Andy's shoulder sadly, and Andy shakes his head.

"It's just that he didn't get it, you know? And I couldn't tell him, about what happened," he says, instead of thinking about how much worse this is, no matter how many friends he has by his side right now. "So I… Missed you guys." He finishes, ashamed.

"We get it," Ava says, solemn. "And we're sticking with you, this time around."

"Yeah," Lucas agrees.

"Yeah," Lily adds.

"Okay," Andy answers. "I… Thanks."

They hug him tighter. It's all they have to say.

#it lives #andy kang #tom sato #andy x tom #tom x andy #it lives beneath #ilb #it lives in the woods #ilitw #ilb mc #i feel like ive been editing this fic my entire life #also apparently i write deathfic now. thats uh. something #anne ways. have this

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puccbunni · 3 years

Text

“Friends” Pt.2

| Auston Matthews | Maple Leafs |

{ Senorita - Shawn Mendes, Camila Cabello }

Hey guys I am so sorry for the gap in between parts 1 and 2 I’ve just been crazy busy moving, but here is part 2 for everyone!! This has been edited with the precision of a kindergartener.

Also to anyone living in the US Happy Thanksgiving Yall ❤️

WARNINGS:

Swearing

Drinking

Smut (sorry!! Not sorry 🙄)

A light knocking wakes you from your sleep, you grab your phone to look at the time and see that it’s almost two in the afternoon. After leaving Austons condo at four that same morning you booked an Uber back to your apartment and was able to thankful sneak back in without waking Steph or Mitch.

“Yeah” you call out to who you presume is Steph.

The door opens and Steph walks in with a bottle of water and painkillers and sets them on your nightstand.

“Hey hun how you feeling?” She asks handing you two painkillers.

“Just tired,you?” You take the two painkillers from Steph and pray they quickly mend your throbbing head.

“A little hungover but nothing too bad.” She says as you reach back over for your phone to check through your notifications.

Steph continues talking to you but you are barely listening as you see a message from Auston.

Auston:

Didn’t want to say goodbye?

Your cheeks start to darken as memories from the night before come flooding back.

“Who are you talking to?” Steph asks trying to peer over the top of your phone.

“Ahh no one, just a friend.” You say locking your phone and tossing it to the other side of your bed.

“The same friend you disappeared with last night?”

“What?” You stare at Steph, not knowing how you were going to explain your way out of this one.

“I left because I felt sick.”

Maybe she saw you and Auston leave the bar together, or maybe she just put two and two together after you and Auston both disappeared at the same time.

“Oh Please, Mitch heard you sneak back in this morning!” She laughs. “So was this ‘friend’ good?”

“Maybe.” You mumble, bring the covers up to hide your face.

“Do I get to know his name at least?” She asked pulling the covers away from your face.

His name... there was one problem with that, did Auston want people to know you had hooked up? That was a question you didn’t know the answer to because you were too chicken shit to wait until the boy woke up to leave.

“Umm just a guy from my history class, you wouldn’t know him.” You lie hoping she won’t push the topic any further.

“Mmhmm, well who ever he is at least you are finally getting some, I thought you’d turned into a nun there for a second.” She laughs leaving you alone with your thoughts.

Steph did have a point besides your little escapade from the night before, you hadn’t slept with anyone since your ex boyfriend, Elliot, had broken up with you 6 months ago via text after 3 years of being together, claiming ‘it was too hard for him to do it in person’. He too had started out as a friend but after spending every day together it quickly turned into more, although you hadn’t slept with Elliot before you had started dating. After the breakup it took you a few months for you to get your life back to normal and not feel like you would burst into tears whenever you were alone. It was for this reason you had decided against the whole dating thing to protect your still slightly broken heart.

But now you had really gone and put your foot in it by sleeping with Auston, it wasn’t like you regretted it, hell it had been the best sex you’d had in a long while, but you knew that sex complicated things, it always complicated things. That’s part of the reason you had left before he woke up, so you could just avoid the awkward conversation and pretend like nothing ever happened and that’s exactly what you plan to do.

It had been almost a month since the night you had slept with Auston and you would be lying if the events of that night hadn’t crept their way into your mind especially while you were laying in bed, trying to lull yourself to sleep. But no amount of cold showers helped stop the images flashing through your brain, this had you pent up and frustrated beyond belief which is why when a few friends from your classes in college mentioned going to a bar you jumped at the chance to find some male attention to help give you some relief between your aching thighs.

You had been sat at the bar with three of your friends for a few hours now just sipping on your beer and talking about one of your recent classes and your mutual dislike for the professor. It was a slow night with no one particularly catching your eye. Just as you were about to give up on your search you heard your name shouted from across the bar.

“Y/N!” You turn your head in the direction it had come from to see a familiar mop of blonde hair.

“Willy, hey.” You slip from your stool as he pulls you in for a hug.

“What are you doing here?” You ask.

“We just got back from a road trip and thought we’d celebrate with a few drinks.” He replies.

“We?” You raise your brow looking at Willy and seeing no one around him.

“Yeah, Auston’s here.” He motions towards the door and that’s when you notice his brunette curls above the rest of the crowd.

As Auston gets closer he’s scanning the room looking for Willy and your eyes meet, the side of his mouth pulls up into a slight smirk and you can already tell the rest of your night is about to get a whole lot more interesting.

“You’re alive.” Auston says stopping about a foot in front of you eyeing you up and down.

“Last time I checked.” You shrugged trying to play cool as you calmed your raging nerves.

“Huh just hadn’t heard from you, thought you had to have been dead.” He crosses his large arms across his broad chest.

“Nope, just busy I guess.”

Will starts up a conversation with you and you introduce them both to your friends who invite the pair to join your group much to your frustration they agree to join. Auston had chosen to sit next to you and with the close proximity you could smell his cologne and feel the heat radiating from his arm that would lightly brush against yours every so often. You spent most of the next hour trying not to make eye contact with Auston or trying to put a tiny bit more space between the two of you without anyone noticing the thick tension between you both. No matter how hard you tried or how many more drinks you downed you couldn’t stop the wetness pooling in your lower half, so you excused yourself and went outside the bar just to get some much needed fresh air. You closed your eyes and inhaled deeply taking in the cool Toronto air, you really needed to get a grip, it was one time, one brief lapse in judgement, one night, you really shouldn’t be giving it this much thought and it didn’t have to be this awkward, you were friends, that’s all just friends. So you just needed to treat him like a friend right??

“Y/N.” A voice pulls you out of your thoughts and you don’t need to open your eyes to know who it was.

“Auston.” You reply.

“You okay?” He asks as he stands just in front of you forcing you to meet his eye for the first time in the last hour.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” You ask back, dropping your eyes to the ground.

“Hey, look at me.” Auston gently places a hand under your chin encouraging you to look at him. There’s a look in his eye it looks like he’s almost worried, nervous even.

“If you regret what happened...”

“I don’t regret it.” The words fly out of your mouth before you can stop them.

“Sleeping with you, I mean, I don’t... uh... I don’t regret it.”

You see the worry quickly leave his eyes.

“Then why are you avoiding me huh?”

“I am not avoiding you.” You lie.

He cocks his eyebrow.

“Pfft, you left before I woke up.”

“And?” You shrug.

“And then you didn’t reply to my text.” He continues.

“That’s not me avoiding you, like I said that’s me being busy Auston.” You say as convincingly as you could.

“Okay and what about tonight, you haven’t said more than a handful of words to me and you cant even look at me.”

“What do you want me to say?” You ask.

“What ever the hell is going on in that head of yours, we’re friends Y/N...” but before he can finish what he’s saying you cut him off.

“We were friends Auston, but we fucked that up.” You take a step back from him.

“How did we fuck up anything?” He asks looking genuinely confused.

“Sex. It always complicates things, it fucks up everything.” You say bluntly.

“I disagree.” He states.

“Of course you do.” You roll your eyes.

“No seriously, we had fun, well I think we had fun...” he pauses look at you for an answer.

“It was fun I guess.” You say quietly avoiding eye contact. You hear him laugh slightly at your response before he continues.

“Then what’s the problem? What’s wrong with two friends having a little fun together?” He asks.

You look at him for a second and a thought enters your mind for the first time, friends could have fun together right, and it could just be friends, no emotions no feelings, just fun. So with the courage granted to you from the copious amount of alcohol flowing through your bloodstream you look Auston in the eye and ask

“Is that what you want?”

“What?” He cocks an eyebrow, confused by the question.

“Friends, that have fun. Is that what you want?” You ask taking a step closer towards him.

“Do you mean friends with benefits?”

You simply nod.

“Are you offering to be friends with benefits with me Y/N?”

“I like being friends with you Auston, and I don’t wanna loose that friendship and this.” You motion between the two of you.

“This is awkward and I hate it, and that’s partly my fault I shouldn’t have left before we spoke that morning I am sorry. But I am not ready for something serious and I didn’t want to have that conversation hungover. And I am sorry I didn’t reply to you I just didn’t know what to say. But you’re right that night was fun and if you want we can keep having fun, no emotions, no expectations just fun.” You say trying to gauge his reaction.

“You’re being serious?” He asks. His eyes dancing with mischief and excitement in a way that was turning you on.

“You want this Y/N?”

You simply nod again.

“I need to hear you say it baby.” He says closing the gap between you.

You bite your bottom lip hearing his nickname for you as the wetness in between your legs becomes more and more intense.

“I want this.” You say as his lips crash down onto yours.

You wrap your hands around his neck feeling the back of his brunette curls brush against your fingertips as his large hands slid down to your waist, slowly running up and down your curves until they landed on the curve of your ass. You bit down on his bottom lip needing more, more for from the kiss, more from Auston, a low moan came from the back of his throat as he took your cue and deepened the kiss and as his tongue entered his mouth you tugged tighter on his hair.

“Umm Y/N?” Your friend Sarah said as she opened the door to the bar.

You quickly jumped apart from Auston and brought your hand up to you lips as if to hide any evidence of what you and Auston were just doing.

“Yeah Sarah what’s up?” You ask trying to act as normal as possible.

“We were just heading off but didn’t want to leave Will by himself.” She explains looking between you and Auston.

“Oh okay uhh... we will come in.” You say as you walk past her and back into the bar.

As you pass her she gives a quick smirk and whispers

“You have some explaining to do on Monday.” You cheeks go a deep red shade as you drop your head and walk back to where the rest of the group was sat.

After your friends had left you sat with Willy and Auston sipping on your drink, looking at Auston over the top of your bottle trying desperately to pay attention to whatever it was Willy was saying, and not climb across the table and crawl into Austons lap in front of the entire bar. But Auston was making this far to hard, the way his hand was twirling his drink in his hand made you think of how his hands ran up and down your waist, how they gripped your ass tightly as he deepened the kiss you two had shared no long ago. The way his leg brushed against yours under the table. Or how you knew his eyes were mentally undressing you right in that very moment. You tried to squeeze your thighs together to bring some relief to your aching core, but it was no use because you knew the only thing that was going to bring you relief was the man sat right in front of you only a few feet away.

“Y/N?” Will asks snapping you out of your trance.

“Huh, sorry Will what did you say.” You ask shaking your head.

“I asked if you wanted another drink, are you okay?” He asks looking concerned.

“You look a little flushed.”

“I uhh I think I’ve had a bit too much to drink maybe I should go.” You say purposely stumbling as you stood from your seat.

You locked eyes with Auston, hoping he would get your drift and play along and thankfully he did.

“Yeah maybe I should get you an Uber.” He says standing and coming over to your side putting an arm around you waist to steady you.

“Maybe Matts should go with you, you really don’t look so good Y/N.” Willy suggests.

“I am so sorry Willy.” You apologise leaning closer into Auston.

“Don’t be as long as you’re all good.”

“Thank you.” You mumble

“You got her Matts?” Will asks Auston.

“Yeah of course, the Uber’s on its way, I’ll see you tomorrow man.” He says as he helps guide you towards the door.

As soon as the Uber pulls up you open the door and slide in practically dragging Auston in behind you and as soon he shuts the door behind him you attach your lips to his. Auston pulls back slightly and you give him a quizzical look

“What’s wrong?” You ask worrying that he had changed his mind about your new little arrangement.

“I thought you were drunk.” He says looking at you.

“I mean yeah that’s what typically happens at a Bar Auston.” You state as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“Wait so you’re good, I just don’t want to take advantage of you if you’re too far gone.” He says tucking a stray piece of your hair behind your ear.

“Aust, I am good, I swear. But thank you for checking.” You say pecking his lips.

“I just needed to get out of there because I was about 30 seconds away from crawling over the table and fucking you in that bar.” You whisper into his ear as you lightly bite on his earlobe.

Auston groaned and squeezed his eyes shut, as he opened them you saw that his pupils had blown and had darken. He lightly grabbed you by the throat and brought your lips to his. His tongue quickly entered your mouth as he moved his hand from your throat to your hair tangling his fingers into your long strands. You ran your hands over his hard chest as you moaned into the kiss tugging on he’s black button up shirt wanting it off.

“Patience, baby.” He mumbled

His lips detaching from yours and he kissed along your jaw and down your neck sucking and nipping softly until he reached your sweet spot just above your collar bone, a soft whined echoed through the small space of the car, you could feel Auston smile against your skin as he began sucking harder you had to bite down on your bottom lip to stop the moans from falling out of your mouth. You felt his other calloused hand run up your the inside of your thighs and begin to stroke your clothed core. You tried to grip his wrist to stop his advances as you became painfully aware of the driver sat less then a foot away from you. But this didn’t stop him as he slipped a finger past your laced panties and into you dripping folds.

“Jesus.” He moaned against your skin as he felt the wetness that had pooled in your core. He spread you wetness running is fingers from your clit back down to you entrance teasing it slightly every time he brushed over the opening. Your hips bucked trying to find just a tiny bit more pleasure from his fingertips as you began rubbing yourself against his hand not caring how needy you being. Auston bought his finger back to your entrance and slipped his middle finger in slowly pumping it in and out, your nails raked down the front of his chest as he added a second finger bringing his thumb up to your clit and started rubbing firm circles on your sensitive bud. Maybe it was the fact it had been almost a month since anyone had touched you or the fact a stranger was sat right in front of you but you could feel your orgasim building quickly, like a steam train with no breaks. You run your hands up to cup Austons cheeks as you guide his lips back to yours in hopes you can drown out your moans in the kiss. Feeling your walls contract around his fingers, Auston increased his speed pumping in and out faster and deeper than before, whilst applying more pressures your clit.

“Let go baby.” He groaned softly in your ear. And at those words your orgasim crashed over you like waves on a shoreline. You dropped you head onto Austons shoulder and bit your lip so hard you were truly shocked you didn’t draw blood. Austons fingers didn’t stop moving until you had ridden out every last drop of pleasure he could give to you in the back seat of the Uber. After you had finished you looked up at Auston and giggled slightly your cheeks flushing from embarrassment, Auston removed his fingers from your sensitive core and you whined quietly at the sudden loss. He bought his fingers to his mouth and licked them clean, never breaking eye contact with you. You adjust your underwear and dress so that they sat back where they were supposed to.

“We might have to give him a tip.” You mumble into Austons neck as he swings his arm around you. You sit in silence for the rest of the painfully long car ride back to Austons.

#auston matthews #auston matthews imagine #auston matthews x reader #auston matthews smut #Toronto Maple Leafs #toronto maple leafs imagine #toronto maple leafs smut #nhl imagines #nhl smut #nhl #smut #imagines

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moons-and-stars-and-shit · 3 years

Note

hi !! can I please get a 🍰?

i just came across of you writing and it is so cute !! (´-﹏-`；) every post made me feel all warm & fuzzy inside ~ please feel free to totally ignore this if this isn't the proper way to ask or if you already closed your request (also I'm sorry if you already closed your request I didn't noticed) . Also sorry if this has any grammatical errors or if the descriptions don't make sense, english isn't my first language.

so, uhm, to begin my name is elliot (she/her) I'm 5'4, I'm from argentina (south america) i speak spanish & english (among other languages) idk how much I'm supposed to put on here so I'm just going to describe myself as redacted as possible. (Don't know if this is necessary but I'm jewish ¿) ^_________^

I have short brown wavy hair, just a couple of centimeters below my ears, i have bangs, I'm very pale ¿ not chubby but also not skinny average if i may say so. My fashion style changes from time to time but i usually wear clothing in the range of black to white, also sometimes I like trying whatever aesthetic is going around at the time.

Personality wise I'm pretty calm at first, i'm not very good with getting to know new people so I try to be as quite as possible but once I get comfortable i tend to be very loud, i like making my friends laugh since i think that's the most sincere way of knowing they talk to me because they like me. I would say I'm like the mom friend/therapist friend since i really like helping and listening people talk. I love having deep conversations with friends/loved ones, they give me this sense of connection nothing else can give me. I am very blunt and it usually comes off as rude but i try to sugar-coat my words as much as possible.

And while I very much love everyone who is friends with me I have a very hard time showing it and/or showing my empathy for them (one of the reasons as to why I'm not good with meeting new people) but i try to become a better version of me day to day.

What i look in a person is someone who can understand me and my boundaries, since I'm germophobic PDA isn't really something that i enjoy doing but with time i can get myself around to it. Someone whom I can trust enough to be emotionally open with and vice versa. Talkative or not doesn't matter to me. My love language is acts of service. ^_________^

I hope you have a really amazing day ! ! remember to drink water and eat something yummy (*＾3＾)/～♡ don't be too harsh on yourself and keep in mind that many people love you, ba-bye ! ╰(⸝⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝⸝)╯

🍰 for @vvanteffect

Romantic Matchup

Sakusa Kiyoomi

How yall met

You guys met during the All-Japan Youth Training Camp

(You were a partial manager from Nekoma during that time)

Shockingly enough he actually approached you

Granted his cousin was forcing him to socialize but that's not important

He had noticed how you tended to stay away from other people or how when you did talk to someone it was usually a very short conversation

Basically you seemed like the least contaminated person he could talk to so he just went for it

Right away he noticed how blunt you were

Like he would ask you a question adn the longest answer you would give him was about a sentence

“Hey how are you”

“Good”

“Uh so what school are you from”

“Nekoma”

You get what i'm saying

But honestly he didn't really care he just kept talking to you

And the longer he talked to you the longer your responses would get

You guys spent the rest of camp together

And when it was time to go home you exchanged numbers so you could stay in contact

Your schools weren't too far from each other so you guys would see each other in person when you were both free

And well he ended up falling for you

What they love about you

Of course he loves that your also a partial germaphobe

It makes it easier for him to be around you knowing that you try your best to stay clean

He loves how simple you are

From the clothes you wear

To how you talk to other people

He tends to over analize if people are to complicated

But with you everything is just short and sweet

He loves how good of a listener you are

Like if he's had a bad day he can just call you and rant about it

And not only do you listen

But you also help him solve his problems

This next one isn't really something he loves more like something he's proud of

He's very proud that he's gained enough of your trust for you to talk to him

Like full blown conversations

Your guys convos have come a long way from the very first conversation you had

He's just happy that you trust him enough to talk to him

What you love about them

You love that he respects your boundaries

Let's be honest here

Mans isn't really into PDA either

Like come on

LOOK who were talking about here

But that's not the only boundary he respects

He respects All of your boundaries

Like all you have to do is tell him you don't like something and he'll stop

You love how he can handle your bluntness and not get offended

Honestly when you look back on how you met him

Your shocked that he even kept talking to you

That whole training camp people would keep on trying to talk to you

But then leave after a short while because you were being blunt and they took it the wrong way

But not Sakusa

He kept on talking to you even when you were acting pretty cold

And your very appreciative about that

Favorite things to do together

Ok so even though you live semi close together

It's not like your neighbors

So his favorite thing to do with you is to just facetime you and talk about each others days

And when you guys are able to get together

He prefers that you both just stay inside for the most part

So you do just that

Usually your in person hangouts include playing board games, reading,or watching movies together

And if you guys decide to go out

He makes you wear a mask the whole time

And you guys will usually just take a walk at a park or on the beach

Somewhere where theres not a lot of people yk

Random Hc

He has bought you two matching masks

His homescreen on his phone is a picture of you that he took while facetime you

Once you guys were in public and he accidently gave you a kiss while both of your masks were on

And now thats just became a norm for you two

You guys have these matching pajamas

Friendship Matchup

Kuroo Tetsurou

How yall met

You are Nekomas manager

And since kuroo was the captain you worked very closely with him

Which eventually made a friendship bloom

Why you became friends

He kind of saw you as a compitition if that makes sense??

Like when he first met you it's almost like you didn't want to talk to him

Which couldn't be true because he's awesome!

Sure you are kuroo

Anyways kenma had made some backhand comment on how some people just dont wanna talk to him

And kuroo was like 🧐

So he made it his goal to befriend you

It started with him having basic conversation with you everyday

Then it turned into him talking to you during the school day

Which then turned into him inviting you to hand out after school

Eventually you guys just became besties

What yall love about each other

He loves how straightforward you are

Like if you don't like something youll say it

If someones ticking you off you'll tell them

Even though your bluntness is something you get insecure about sometimes

He thinks it's one of your best traits

He also loves that you are bilingual

It makes for a good time when your ranting about something because your languages will start to blend

And if your really mad you'll just switch to spanish and just start ranting

And even though he can't understand a word your saying

He just smile and nods till your done

You love how deep your conversations can get

Like he'll play along with whatever deep topic you talk about

“What's the meaning of life”

“I would say its to give life a meaning”

Yeah y'all talked about that for HOURS

You also like how helpful he is

If your ever having a hard time managing the team he'll always offer a helping hand

And if your ever struggling with schoolwork he's always there to help you

Random Hc

He was very shocked when you and Sakusa started dating

He threatened to kick his ass if he ever broke up with you

Hes tried to learn spanish but gave up after a week

But he did learn how to say all the cuss words in spanish

After he befriended you he rubbed it in kenmas face

Kenma was just like 😐 ok

But kuroo took satisfaction in his victory

You really had kuroo thinking for a whole day when you asked him

Did the color orange come before the fruit? Or is it vice versa?

Still hasn't come up with an answer to that question

#haikyuu!!#haikyu x reader #haikyuu fandom #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu hcs #haikyuu matchups #sakusa hcs #sakusa x reader #sakusa kiyoomi #sakusa x y/n #kuroo headcanons #kuroo tetsuro x reader #kuroo hcs #kuroo x y/n #kuroo tetsurō

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consumedkings-archive · 3 years

Text

WITCHING HOUR, a john seed/deputy fic.

chapter eight: the living sea of waking dreams

word count: 10k

rating: m for now, rating will change in later chapters as things develop, tags will be updated accordingly.

warnings: emotional manipulation/some weird humiliation tactics (joseph is a fucker), some weird/uncomfortable relationships getting dredged up, john is a jealous little shit. some spooky scaries go on, blood and body horror (i think? tagging just to be safe).

notes: we've got some ~things~ going on here in this next chapter. i feel really excited about where this story is going and how we're going to get all these little threads put together, but mostly, i hope you enjoyed this chapter! we've got a lot going on but i promise, it will all (hopefully) be worth it in the end. and also, a tiny reprieve: some soft elliot, as a treat, because we deserve it.

thank you to everyone reading and giving me your feedback!! i love hearing from yall <3 special thanks to @shallow-gravy and @vasiktomis for listening to me slog through this chap : ))))

“Knock-knock!”

Isolde took in a deep breath, closing her eyes and willing patience to the forefront of her mind. It had only been an hour or so since she’d left the chapel, Joseph’s words ringing in her head, a death knell.

Not after the things I’ve done for you.

Even still, even now—he knew how to get under her skin. She thought she’d never wanted to kiss and throttle someone in equal amounts, in the entirety that she had known them; to think that once, she had let Joseph take her in an embrace, sweep the hair from her shoulder and bury his face in her neck and whisper sweet things into her skin.

He wasn’t the same, anymore. And neither was she.

“Come in, Santiago,” said Arden, from where she had set up her little space across the cabin’s modest room. The heater on the floor rattled laboriously, clicking and chugging away. Isolde swept her eyes over Arden’s space—a small makeshift bed on the couch, the table stacked with a few books and a notepad she was scribbling dutifully on. Isolde had politely offered her the bed, even though she didn’t want to, and the woman had waved her off and said it was no trouble at all, that she often fell asleep on the couch at home anyway.

It was still weird, thinking that someone was—with Jacob. For a long time. But, she supposed if there was any Seed boy she thought would be in a long-term relationship, then—

The door to the cabin swept open, revealing the dark-haired boy from before. Well, perhaps not boy, but young man. Certainly too young and good-looking to be wasting his time with the likes of Eden’s Gate, wasn’t he?

“You don’t have to babysit me anymore, do you?” Arden asked, not once looking up from her writing.

“No, no. Unfortunately, our time together has drawn to a close.” Santiago lifted his arms, spread in defeat. His eyes, a vibrant blue, turned to Isolde. “I am actually here for you.”

“Me?” Isolde’s eyes narrowed. “For what?”

“Joseph has asked me to fetch you.”

“And you’re a good boy, so you do whatever he says,” she replied tartly.

Santiago flashed a grin that was all teeth-pearly, perfectly bleached teeth. He was far more groomed than any of the others she’d seen trawling about the compound. “I am nothing if not loyal, princesa.”

Isolde sighed, passing a hand over her face as a headache began to fester and bloom behind her eyelids. She thought she might have been more willing to kick up a fuss if she thought it was worth the drama—but it probably wasn’t. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, Joseph was right; she couldn’t be of any help to them if she was being contrary just for the sake of her own spite. Even if she didn’t know where Joseph got off summoning her like she was part of the peasantry.

“Coming,” she sighed, picking her coat up off the bed and sliding it back on over her shoulders.

“A sweet word, coming from even sweet lips.”

“Alright, Romeo.”

She trudged out after Santiago in the snow, casting a quick glance around the compound. Though evening had fallen, the fluorescents surrounding lining the edges of the compound cast a cold, brutal light across it, highlighting every single pore of the place, every ragged inhabitant shuffling into their bunkhouse as watch switched and folks went to retire for the evening. Some of the roofs sagged with the weight of the snowfall, which trundled on without any kind of end in sight. Isolde couldn’t remember when she’d seen real, unadulterated sunshine last. In Georgia? Had it been that long?

None of it was anything like what John had told her. Of course, she had expected some differences—the man liked to embellish, to be sure—but the members of Eden’s Gate seemed to have lost their fire. They were wayward, adrift at sea, among waves of freezing cold water and what now seemed to be a resurgent threat that they had hoped to be rid of.

And Joseph, having comforted them so very little.

“Icy,” Santiago warned, offering her his hand as he opened the door inside with his other one. “Careful.”

“Thanks,” she muttered dryly. She took his hand anyway, pulling herself into the sputtering warmth of the chapel where—at the front—the silhouettes of Jacob and Joseph stood.

The two of them were suffused in a warm amber glow, but there was nothing warm about the mood in the room; the closer she got, she could hear Jacob’s insistent words—the firm, assertive gestures of his hands, the words, just didn’t feel like it was pertinent at the time, coming out of his mouth—the more she thought, I shouldn’t be here for this. Whatever they’re arguing about, whatever it is that’s gotten them to this point, I’m not supposed to be here.

Joseph didn’t respond to whatever it was that his brother was saying, but instead turned to look at her as she approached down the center aisle of the chapel. Despite the rattling warmth coming from several heaters placed throughout the chapel, Isolde felt a chill sink deep into the marrow of her bones.

“Thank you for coming,” he said by way of greeting. He lifted one hand and beckoned her forward when her feet slowed.

“I just hope this is something I need to be here for,” Isolde ventured cautiously, her gaze flickering to Jacob’s face. The redhead’s expression was drawn tight and hard, and not the way it normally was; it wasn’t calm and focused, but strained, like he was holding himself back from saying something to Joseph that he thought he might regret later.

She had never known Jacob to bite his tongue very much, but from her own experience with Joseph, well—he was apt at bringing out the worst in people.

“Did you know?” Joseph asked when she had finally come to a stop. “About my brother’s...” He wet his lips for a moment, his gaze darting across the empty space of the floor as he looked for the word he wanted to say. And then he landed: “Pursuits?”

Isolde blinked. “If you mean the woman he says is his partner—”

“Yes,” the blonde interjected, before she could finish—a thing he knew that she hated but he seemed unable to refrain from doing. “I do.”

Sol’s eyes narrowed. When she turned her gaze from Jacob to Joseph, she was greeted with the typical unreadable expression; as untroubled as the blue sky over a sunny sea.

But there were storm clouds. Somewhere, in there, on a horizon Joseph would not let her reach now and perhaps had not ever.

“I only knew of her today,” Isolde replied after a moment. “After we saw our little hunter out in Fall’s End, I imagine he felt it pressing that he retrieve her sooner rather than later.”

Joseph made a low noise. It was like a hm, but threatening. Hm, he said, interesting, that. But what it was he felt was so interesting about that particular line of information, Isolde couldn’t only venture a guess; and if she had to venture a guess, she would have said that it would probably be that he felt it was interesting that something was going on that he had not been aware of.

If there was one thing that she knew about Joseph, affirmatively, it was that he did not like not knowing.

“Isolde, why are you here?”

A familiar spark of anger lit, hot and fetid, in her belly. “Pardon me?

“Why are you here? In this compound? In Hope County?” Even as he spoke, Joseph’s gaze was fixed on the eldest Seed, the lines of his face peaceful and serene despite the idle venom burning in the timbre of his voice. “What did John send you here for?”

The anger burned up into soot, into dread, and sat just there, curled at the base of her neck. Isolde could not shake the idea that she had been brought in here to make a point, and that she really shouldn’t be there—that this was something Joseph and Jacob needed to settle between themselves, but that was never how Joseph had operated: fair had never been a stratagem in his playbook.

“Isolde,” Jacob said, his voice a low caution when she looked at him, shaking his head very slightly. It’s not worth it, he was saying, fighting, it’s not worth it.

“Joseph, this,” she plunged on pointedly, “is not something that I need to be a part of. I’ll go, so the two of you can—”

But when she went to depart, Joseph lifted his hand and pointed at her and ground out between his teeth, “Stay. Put.”

The poison in his voice was so potent it almost made her flinch. Almost. And then the indignation started to bloom: who do you think you are, to be talking to me like that? But they wouldn’t come; the words wouldn’t come, because when she lifted her gaze to Joseph’s and saw him looking at her, it was—

“I want you to say it, out loud, in front of Jacob,” he continued, the muscle of his jaw flexing viciously. “Tell him why John needed you here.”

Jacob said, raising his voice a little, “We all know why—”

“Because you are useless unless you are aware of what’s happening. Every detail. Isn’t that right?” he prompted. “Isolde?”

She felt her molars grind. It was clear, now, why he had asked her here. “Yes.”

Joseph turned his gaze to Jacob. “Is that what you want us to be? Want me to be? Ill-informed?”

The redhead was silent for a long heartbeat. He sucked his teeth, and said, “No, Joseph, I don’t—”

“No. More. Secrets.”

The blonde’s voice had pitched so low that she nearly couldn’t hear him, so close and low and intimate was it that he was speaking to his brother, so little space between them. Joseph looked to be controlling himself quite tightly; so very little of the leash available to himself, digging the choke chain deeper and deeper into him in an effort to remain intact.

“Joseph,” Jacob began, “I only—”

“A whole year?” the blonde bit out viciously. “An entire year you spent devoting your time to this—this—”

Isolde was familiar with the precipice at which Joseph was teetering. Right on the edge of saying something vicious and mean and unendingly cruel. She had pushed him there a few times before, in their brief few months together—had seen the way he pulled himself back time and time again, seconds away from grinding out some wretched insult.

“I won’t,” Joseph bit out, lifting a hand as though to temper himself, “tolerate it, Jacob.”

Silence stretched between the three of them for a moment, pulled taut as a rubber band. Though she knew why Joseph had wanted her here—to make a point, but also to put someone there to witness the verbal lashing—looking at the two of them now, she felt more than ever like an intruder on a world she knew so very little about.

John had done nothing to prepare her. He had given her the rosy version of the story, and even that included the cult and the killing and the residents of Hope County. It still hadn’t been enough.

The silence broke when Jacob said, “I understand, Joseph.”

For a second, there was nothing; just Joseph, sweeping his gaze over Jacob for a long moment, like he was trying to wring out any deception or sign that Jacob was being disingenuous—and of course, he could find none, and that meant there was only the tense, uncomfortable silence wadded up between them, in their own fists.

Finally, Joseph said, “That will be all,” and turned, tilting his face to the lukewarm light of the candles at the front of the chapel and closing his eyes.

The eldest Seed lingered for only a moment longer before he left; his eyes met with Isolde’s for a heartbeat before he made his decision, turning down the center walkway and heading for the doors. It wasn’t until they clicked shut that Isolde felt a tiny bit of relief—if only because the source of Joseph’s ire had now departed, and she could get a better look at him.

It was her job to make sure things were under control. John had asked her here for that exact reason—and this kind of in-fighting would be the kind of thing that would, eventually, be their unraveling if they didn’t get it under control. She had only seen Joseph so angry once before, almost over a year ago now, back before he was the Father of Eden’s Gate. Back when they had been—

There are things that I want to accomplish, and they’re best done with a wife—

“Joseph,” Isolde said, leaving the memory somewhere else—somewhere dark and deep she would never find it again, “what’s going on?”

The blonde did not open his eyes when he replied, “I cannot have secrets kept from me.” After a moment, he added, “And in that vein of thought, I should get in touch with our wayward brother.”

“Do you really think it’s that big of a deal?” she prompted again. “To have started a fight with Jacob over a woman that he—”

“Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me.” His eyes fluttered open, the flicker of dark lashes illuminated by the amber glow, and he tilted his head to look at her. There was a hardness in his voice when he said, “God is perfect in knowledge, and I cannot be less. Not when He speaks directly to me.”

An unpleasant little thrill crawled down her spine when his eyes fixed on her, darting over her face like he wanted to savor her. “Then don’t use me as the whip you want to lash your brother with,” she snapped. “I’m not a humiliation tactic. You do know better than to do that to me.”

Joseph let out a little sigh. The corners of his mouth ticked upward, the shift in mood almost palpably changing the energy in the chapel—just like that, it was different. Not lighter, not better, but different.

“You’re right,” he agreed after a moment. “I do know you better than that.”

Isolde’s mouth pressed into a thin line. Deciding to forego that comment, she took a step forward, cinching her jacket in more securely around her waist. “You know what you cannot be, Joseph?” she asked. “You cannot be fighting with your brothers. Especially not the only one that’s here. Your people out there are disgruntled, and scared, and you can’t afford to be picking fights with the people who are the most loyal to you.”

“They are all,” Joseph replied, “loyal, Isolde." And then, after a moment of watching her: "Is this what you want to be doing? Herding us? Mothering us?”

“My professional opinion is that the image of your convent is severely lacking,” she bit out, once again ignoring the bait, “and the last thing you need to do is have them noticing that there’s a rift forming between the ones in charge. And yes—that is the only thing I can do for you lot at this point, and like an idiot, I agreed to come here and do it.”

Because I can’t say no to John, something tired inside of her said. Because I couldn’t say no to any of you, even if I wanted to.

The blonde reached up, and it took that gesture for Isolde to realize how closely they had drifted—it was so little effort, so little time between the movement of his hand and the time at which his fingers made contact with her cheek, brushing the hair away from her face and tucking it behind her ear. He moved so confidently and leisurely that Sol couldn’t think to pull back; and when she didn’t, the calloused fingertips trailed down the pillar of her throat, his eyes following their journey.

It was intimate; too soon her brain said, even though it had been so long since they had been in the same room, let alone regarded each other in even a passive capacity. But it was too soon enough that her brain fizzed out, the air moving thick as molasses in the journey between her mouth and lungs, the violent flashback of their closeness overwhelming her.

She said, “Joseph,” in a don’t kind of voice, and he dropped his hand from where it had come to a stop at the juncture between her neck and shoulder.

“It was smart of John, to ask you to come and shepherd us in his absence,” Joseph said, blithely ignoring the desperate little barb in the way Isolde said his name.

“I always thought you’d make a perfect Mother.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

It had been several days since their conversation in the hallway that night, and John had barely seen hide nor hair of Elliot.

Honestly, it would have been impressive how quickly she could make herself inaccessible, were it not so frustrating. He couldn’t help but wonder what the implications there were—had she known she could do this all along, and had been indulging in him for some reason? Had she simply decided to be done and that was it, meaning that she hadn’t been done before?

Not that she was done now, anyway. Not if John had anything to say about that. But for a few days, she barely spared him a glance—passed him in the hallway when she got home with a muttered greeting on occasion. She woke before him, left to the stables without him, and left him alone in the house. Left him alone without her venom, without her eyes on him. With her mother, no less.

Scarlet was, on paper, exactly the kind of woman that John felt confident in his ability to charm. Single, wealthy by inheritance, a little older and always with a martini in hand by ten? If he couldn’t impress her, he had to be doing something wrong. But in a way that seemed to be very typical of the Honeysett women, Scarlet remained veritably unimpressed and even disdainful of his presence—even though she had insisted he stay with them.

More and more, he was becoming convinced that it was not going to be to his benefit.

“Good morning, Mr. Seed,” Scarlet greeted him from where she sat at the table, perusing her magazine. Not once did her eyes lift to meet his, and not once did an ounce of enthusiasm enter her voice. “You are missing from the stables again today, I see. Not a horse person?”

“I might find myself to be one,” John replied with a leisurely sort of bitterness, “if Elliot would only allow me to come.”

“Yes, it’s very annoying, isn’t it?” The blonde mused idly, over her cup of coffee. “To not be handed exactly what you want when you want it?”

He sucked in a sharp breath, pouring himself a cup of coffee and trying to remind himself that this was all temporary. This house, this town, Scarlet and Sylvia and Wyatt—it was all temporary, and soon enough they would be the least of his concerns. All of his time and attention would be wrapped up in Elliot and the baby, and what their lives would look like once the end had come.

Because it would come, and then she would see. She would understand that everything he’d done had been for them, for her and their baby and—

“I only want to spend as much time with her as I can,” he replied, managing to keep his tone pleasant. “Before I go back home.”

“And when are you?” Scarlet idled. “Going, I mean?” And then, in what he could only think was a stretch of graciousness: “Not that you’ve overstayed, because I am sure you would never, and Delia is quite taken with you—”

“Surely.”

“—as is Elliot, despite her best efforts to act otherwise.”

“What?” John’s head snapped to where Scarlet was still browsing her magazine, and he cleared his throat at her arched brow to try and gather his scrambled thoughts. “What I mean is, has she—said anything to you about me?”

The blonde at the table, swathed in her silk robe and curls primly pinned back away from her face, made a sound that might have been amused. Might have been, anyway, had he not turned to look at her and seen the way her face remained serene and unexpressive.

“I am not blind, Mr. Seed,” Scarlet idled. “It takes very little investigation to find that my daughter is fond of you, against my wishes and her own.”

Before John could open his mouth to respond—and press for more information while his stomach did victorious little somersaults—she turned her head to the window, when the sound of a vehicle rolling up the drive spurred Boomer on to barking in the front room.

“Oh, would you look at that,” she murmured with a little sigh. “My prodigal child, returned home at last.”

He glanced out the window to see an unfamiliar car pulling up, a black truck that took the fresh snow of the unplowed drive to the Graves-Honeysett home with ease; from the driver’s side hopped a familiar face.

“Didn’t Elliot drive there this morning?” he asked, frowning as he watched Wyatt jog around to the passenger side despite Elliot’s waving from the front for him to stop. The man had been nothing but polite—even enthused—to meet him at the bar the other night, but that didn’t mean John had forgotten the way he’d gotten comfy enough to try and touch Elliot’s face and her hair. Even now, the man grinned, all sunshine, as he opened the passenger side door for her and offered her his hand.

Scarlet replied, her attention already having departed the window, “What a silly question to ask out loud, Mr. Seed. You're not stupid, so I would beg you—try not to give me that impression.”

His eyes darted to Scarlet for a moment, briefly grateful that she wasn’t looking at him to see the spark of irritation winding its way across his face; he could feel it furrowing his brows, drawing his mouth into a hard, tight line. Setting his coffee cup on the counter, John made his way out the front door just as Wyatt and Ell were nearly there.

“Oh, hey John!” Wyatt greeted him. His eyes swept over him briefly. “Boy, you’re really put together any chance you get, huh?”

“You can never be overdressed,” John replied as amicably as he could. “Watch the steps, Ell, they’re—”

“Icy, I know,” Elliot said. She puffed out a little breath of air and brushed his offered hand aside, instead favoring the railing with one hand and the top of Boomer’s head with the other, still refusing him the courtesy of meeting his eyes. It had been days. She had never once held such a grudge against him—not really, not where he couldn’t at least get her to give him the time of day.

“Where’s the Jeep?” he asked, his voice coming out a bit tighter than he would have liked as she brushed past him. “Surely you didn’t have Wyatt ferry you out here for fun.”

“Tire’s flat,” she snipped. “Would you prefer I walked?”

“You could have called.” He took in a sharp little breath, willing the accusation away. “I would have been more than happy to pick you up, Ell.”

“Don’t have a cell phone,” Elliot replied flatly. “And Wyatt was already there.”

“It wasn’t any trouble,” Wyatt interjected hurriedly, smiling at John with pearly whites on display. “I had to come into town anyway, and it was gonna be hours before the mechanic could get out there.”

“Well, it was very kind of you all the same,” John said with a smile that felt like it pulled too tight across his face, a smile that was harder and harder to maintain with every passing second that Wyatt West put his baby-blues on Elliot. And that was often; the blonde looked a little sheepish when his gaze met John’s, drawn away from the redhead who was readily retreating into the house.

“Like I said, wasn’t any trouble. Always happy to help,” the blonde insisted, hands tucked into his jacket pockets.

“Yes,” John replied pleasantly, “I can see that.”

Wyatt blinked, flushing. “Anyway, uh...Have a nice day, John. And you too, Freckles!”

He waved before turning on his heel and heading back to the truck. As soon as the driver’s door closed and he was starting to pull away, John turned to see Elliot watching him, her eyes narrowed.

“‘I can see that’?” She scoffed. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Oh, are we talking now?” His brows lifted, head tilting. “So kind of you, to grace me with eye contact when you’ve been storming around the last few days—”

“Don’t be a fucking baby,” Elliot snapped. “My life does not revolve around you. Especially when I can’t seem to figure out why the fuck you drove all the way here just to sulk around.”

“Perhaps it should at least be in my orbit,” John replied tersely, “considering that we are having a child together.”

“You—”

Elliot sucked in a sharp breath, clamping her mouth shut as she looked at him. There was a very brief moment where she looked like she wanted to say something, and very badly, but instead, the corner of her mouth ticked upward and she turned on her heel to walk inside without saying a word.

“It’s a cute nickname,” John continued tartly as he trailed after her. Don't walk away from me, don't, you owe me at least your attention. “Freckles. Do you prefer that one over Miss Honey?”

She closed the door behind her, promptly and without hesitation, letting it rattle in the door frame and in his face. He sucked in a sharp breath, passing a hand exhaustedly over his face.

Impudent. Surly. Ferociously, viciously, wretchedly stubborn. He knew this about her—had known this about her—and yet at every opportunity, she proved his idea of her correct, and he found himself getting more and more frustrated. It wasn’t fair, that even those moments of her attention still felt good, that the sting of her venom held some satisfaction for him, like he was addicted to it.

If she would just, came the thought, rolling over and over. If she would, if she would just, if she would just—

But just what? Just stop being that way? Would he have even liked her if she were not this purposefully obstinate problem to solve?

“No,” he sighed to himself, raking his fingers through his hair. “No, I wouldn’t.”

The reward would just have to be all that much sweeter in the end.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Three hours later, Elliot had forced herself to come to a decision.

She waffled on it for a while—going back and forth as she showered, scrubbing her hair and trying to let the hot water ease some of the growing aches and pains—and did her best to ignore the way something a little wicked chattered happily inside of her at the knowledge that John’s eyes had been sparking with jealousy. It felt immature, to like watching him squirm; more apparent than ever, too, was that old habits died hard.

There was a sick kind of satisfaction that came with finding John’s buttons and pushing them. It had felt the same way, back in Hope County—when he’d been burning with irritation and jealousy that Joseph had gotten her confession, not him, that she wouldn’t tell him what it was, pushing and pushing and jamming her finger into that button until he finally snapped and—

Kissed her.

That’s not what I’m trying to do, she thought, a little defiantly as she looked at herself in the mirror of the bathroom; tracing the WRATH scar, looking down to realize that there was, in fact, a baby bump. Oh, God, wasn’t that something fucking dreadful? Too real, but even still she’d known it was coming—worn looser, heavier clothes. She’d tried so hard not to look at herself in mirrors as of late that doing so now made her feel like she was looking at a stranger.

I’m not trying to get him to kiss me—the opposite, actually, I’m just trying to get him to fucking lay off for a minute—

And yet, as she found herself standing outside of the door to John’s room, her chest felt a little tight and her heart was doing that funny thing it liked to do when he was around; fluttering, leaping against her ribs, begging for attention. Elliot could have argued that it was just muscle memory at this point, that she had spent enough time around John letting him touch her and kiss her and say sweet things into her neck that her body was only working off of its basest instincts, and that was why she was feeling this way.

Clearing her throat, Elliot knocked on the door and said, “John?”

There was the sound of shuffling on the other side, and then his voice drifting to her: “Yes, Elliot?”

“It’s time for my appointment,” she managed out lamely. It felt even more stupid, saying it now, after she’d made such a big show of marching off after he’d committed to his display of jealousy. “Since the Jeep’s still waiting to get the tire fixed, do you think you could—”

The door swung open; John’s eyes flickered over her for a moment, his head tilting just before his mouth curved into a pleasant little smile that was two parts triumph and one part spite.

“What’s this?” he asked. “You need my help with something?”

Her mouth pressed into a thin line. “Don’t be an asshole, John.”

“I would never.” He propped himself up against the doorframe, folding his arms. “Wyatt’s taxi services currently unavailable?”

Already, she was regretting her decision—it had felt important, to have him along, but now she thought maybe she had been too forgiving for having forgiven anything at all.

“The appointment might be the one we figure out the baby’s gender, fuckface,” she snapped, “and since Wyatt’s not the baby’s father, I figured maybe you’d want to come in for this appointment, because it wouldn't feel right not to at least ask if you wanted to. Don’t worry though, I wouldn’t dream of inconveniencing you.”

“Wait!” The exclamation stopped her mid-turn from his door, the feeling of his fingers brushing the palm of her hand making her jerk out of his reach instinctively. John exhaled through his nose, and when she looked him with narrowed eyes and her arms crossed, he said, “I do want to—I want to come.”

“You sure aren’t acting like it.”

“I—Ell, I haven’t heard the baby’s heartbeat a single time,” he insisted, a little frantic. “I’ve respected that you didn’t want me there the last time, and you know, when I wasn’t here before is another thing, but finding out the gender and getting to hear the heartbeat—” He stopped, sighing. “I’m...”

Though there was a bit of pain stinging in the cavity of her chest at his earnesty, Elliot steeled herself, keeping her expression tight. “You’re what, John?” she prompted. She half-expected another blow-up; I’m the baby’s father, that baby is mine, I deserve this, it’s mine.

But instead, John’s mouth twisted and he said, “I’m—sorry.”

Elliot blinked. Had she ever heard John apologize? For anything, ever? And sincerely? She couldn’t recall a day or time in memory—and though her memory was spotty at best these days, she thought for certain that was something she would have remembered. Even when they’d been going to bury Joey, she wouldn’t let him get the words out.

“Uh,” she said very intelligently, “what?”

“I’m sorry,” John repeated, appearing a little frustrated at having to repeat himself. He shifted on his feet. “I want to come to the appointment. I mean—” And then, in what surely must have been pure agony: “Please let me come to the appointment.”

It felt so odd to hear the words coming out of his mouth that she could only blink rapidly and say, “Um, okay,” before turning and quickly heading down the hall and to the stairs. It had been her intention all along to ask John if he wanted to come to the appointment, to see the baby on the screen and find out the gender together—because despite his petty jealousy over someone he didn’t need to be concerned about in the least, and despite his insistence that he was the only person capable of loving her, she did see him making an effort instead of yanking her all the way to the other side. Even if it was a minute, tiny effort; it was an effort nonetheless.

“We’ll have to take your car,” Elliot said uneasily over her shoulder, pulling on her coat quickly. “And it’s soon, so—”

“Making haste,” John agreed from beside her. He reached over her shoulder to pull his own coat off of the rack. It wasn’t lost on her, then, that weeks ago he had gone to reach for her shoulder and she’d about jumped out of her skin; now, the smell of his cologne and his voice close to her ear was almost comforting, in an entirely self-indulgent way.

If she just broke it down to the piece of John she loved the most—his voice and the way the cologne smelled when it was on him, and the way it felt when his hands traced the scars on her hips, and the boyish grin he’d flash her—then maybe it could work. Then, maybe, things would have been fine.

But that’s not love, something inside of her said, as she made her way out the front door and to the car. John says he loves all the wretched things about you. Did you forget?

No. No, she had not forgotten the way John had kissed her when she had blood on her mouth, or the way he’d said, I would’ve fucked you there, or how it felt when he buried his face into her neck and said her name in a voice so broken she thought she might be holy.

“Too hot?” John asked, and she realized she was sitting in the car—that she had checked out halfway out the door—and they were now down at the end of the drive.

Elliot swallowed. Her face felt hot, and now it was not only because of her mind’s wanderings but also because she had been caught daydreaming.

“No,” she said, sinking back against the passenger seat. “No, it’s fine.”

He watched her for a moment before pulling out of the driveway and onto the street. She took a quick glance around the car; it was older, and sort of a beater. The kind of shitty Honda civic she’d see peeling out on the highway at 3AM because some idiot teenager thought she wouldn’t pull them over if the roads were empty. He’d probably lifted it on his way out of town to keep a low profile.

Her foot nudged something solid as she stretched out. Over the sound of the radio rattling and fuzzing tiredly, she heard a dull thunk. She squinted. It was a book. Unconditional Parenting.

“Jesus,” John muttered, “for a town this small, this traffic is a nightmare.”

“What?” Elliot asked, quickly averting her eyes from the book, feeling like she’d just rifled through someone’s personal drawer. “Oh, um—it’s a tourist town. People come here for the Christmas lights. They do like a whole lighting festival with that big tree in the square every night for weeks before Christmas.”

“And that’s why I can’t find parking.”

“That’s why you can’t find parking.”

He shot her a wry smile, taking a second loop around the square and a bit slower this time. Elliot turned her attention back out the window, but she couldn’t stop thinking about it—Unconditional Parenting. How long had he been reading baby books? Why was he so confident he’d get the chance to be a parent, anyway?

When he finally pulled into a parking spot, he let out a breath of relief. “How are we on time?”

Ell glanced at the car’s radio. “Ten minutes early,” she replied after a moment. “Right on time.”

“Great.” John paused. When neither of them moved to get out of the car, he cleared his throat and said, “So, what do you think?”

“About?” Elliot prompted. “The lighting festival?”

“What do you think baby is?” he clarified. Absently, he worried his thumbnail into the rubber of the steering wheel. “The lighting festival in a tourist town is the last thing on my mind right now.”

“Well, it should be on your mind,” she replied, a little petulant. “I think it’s nice, for the record. All of the vendors come in from out of town and even though the traffic’s a nightmare, it’s good business for the town and everyone’s always been respectful of it. Plus, the lights are nice.”

She paused, and when she looked at John, he was grinning at her. He seemed to be enjoying her firm defense of the lighting festival.

“And I think baby is a boy,” she added after a minute, pulling at a loose thread on her sweater. “Just my gut feeling.”

He seemed pleased by her answer, but if he actually was she couldn’t have said why; it was nearly impossible to read John sometimes, but especially in moments like this, in uncharted waters for them both. She lingered for a moment before she unbuckled and said quickly, “Anyway, we should probably go,” pulling herself out of the warmth of the car and into the chilly afternoon.

She wanted to go back to being angry. She wanted to go back to hating John, to being disgusted by him, to relishing in making him suffer, even just a little—but it was like her brain had reverted back to her neanderthal roots. Baby daddy reads parenting books, makes him a good father.

The sooner the moment was over and done with, the sooner she could go back to wallowing on the ways John had wronged her, instead of the ways he made her happy.

By the time they were back in the room, Elliot sitting on the end of the little bed and John in the chair under a pregnancy poster—Pregnant or thinking of getting pregnant? 3 things to discuss!—she had nearly steeled herself. If she just sat there, and replayed the last three months in her head, and reminded herself of all the reasons why she had left John behind in the first place, she would be just fine.

And then the door opened, and Dr. Harding stepped inside, and looked between Elliot and John with surprise.

“Hello, Elliot,” Harding greeted. “I see we’ve a guest today?”

“This is John,” Elliot said, trying not to sound too miserable given the riotous state of her brain. “This is the, uh—he's the father.”

John stood quickly, holding out his hand. “John Seed.”

“Nice to meet you. I’m Dr. Harding,” she said, reaching out and shaking his hand. “Excited? Elliot’s told you we might find out the gender today, yes?”

“Yes and yes,” John confirmed, sounding more and more like the kind of man she had fallen for and less like the egotistical psycho she’d turned in to the government. Right, the one that had lied, and coerced, and perhaps knowingly drugged her. She couldn’t afford to forget that bit.

As Elliot went through all of the normal questions—have you been eating well, yes, I see you haven’t lost weight, yeah, how is the sleep, it’s fine—she held on tight to that little thread of knowledge. John was here because she was letting him, not for any other reason, and it did feel good to know that this whole time he’d played by her rules. As much as he could have, anyway, showing up at her house unannounced.

She settled back against the propped back, grimacing as she shimmied the hem of her sweater up and Harding put a generous amount of gel on the swell of her stomach. Between doctor’s appointments, it was easy to pretend like maybe she wasn’t pregnant. The morning sickness had faded, her appetite had come back, she was getting fine enough sleep; if she didn’t look at herself in the mirror, if she ignored the pervading aches and pains, the roundness to her features then she could pretend like things were normal.

But then John pulled the chair over to the side of the bed, his fingers brushing hers, and nothing felt even remotely close to normal.

“Alright, let’s take a look at baby, shall we?” Harding said, settling in as she began to glide the instrument across Elliot’s stomach.

“Okay,” Elliot said, feeling uneasy. John’s eyes flickered to her, and while she chewed the inside of her cheek, her fingers curled around his—a thoughtless, absent-minded gesture, like she was a heat-seeking machine and the only heat that would do was his.

He didn’t say anything, but laced their fingers together just as Harding said, “Oh, there’s baby!”

The dull, steady heartbeat echoed. When she stole a glance in his direction, John’s eyes were transfixed on the screen as Harding went over where the features were, pointing them out on the screen to him.

“Your little one is about the size of a peach right now,” Harding was saying, “and let’s just see here...”

Oh, God, she thought, feeling her stomach roll. It was so real. Too real, to be laying there, after all of this time feeling so disconnected from her own body—like a vessel, but now with John’s fingers tangled with hers and the baby’s heartbeat and a fruit analogy regarding the size it felt too real. She could no longer act like it wasn’t happening.

“It looks like we’ve got a perfectly healthy baby boy,” were the words coming out of the doctor’s mouth when Elliot’s eyes drifted from John’s face. “It might be a bit early, but that's my educated inference. Congratulations, Elliot. And daddy too, of course.”

A boy. A boy. I’m having a boy.

A perfectly healthy baby boy.

The room felt a little like it was swimming, her throat tight and a steady burning behind her eyes and nose. She sat up a little and swallowed thickly. John had come to a stand too, to get a better look at the screen, but when she squirmed and moved he looked at her.

“Ell?” he asked, sounding very far away, or like he was talking to her underwater. His hand not interlocked with hers came up to her face, and she couldn’t find it in herself to pull away—not only because of the effort it would take, but because of the way it felt to have him right there when she thought she needed him the most. “What’s wrong? Hey, baby, are you—”

“I’m okay,” Elliot managed out, her voice thick and wobbly. “I’m f-fine, I just—um—”

I’m having a boy. Oh, God, it felt so fucking real, too fucking real, but in a good way—for once, her nerve-endings felt alive, and not with anxiety and dread but with happiness.

Sounding panicked, John tilted her face up and asked again, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she said, a wet, raspy little laugh bubbling out of her, “nothing’s wrong, I’m just—I’m just really happy—”

It took his thumb sweeping wetness from her cheek for her to realize that she was crying. Some unshed emotion hiccuped in her chest, and she swallowed thickly, fingers wrapping around his wrist in what she understood too late was an effort to keep his hand there; skin to skin, pulse close to pulse.

I want a home with you, she’d said to him, that night, and he’d looked at her and said, You have it, Ell, I told you.

He’d said, I’m all yours.

He’d said, Take what you need from me.

Dr. Harding was saying something, speaking softly to John. It was another reminder that it had been idiotic not to let him come in the first place—there was something so inherently endearing about John mmhming and nodding along, listening raptly as the doctor went over what they would be expecting in between this appointment and the next while his thumb swept affectionately over her cheek. She was sure that she heard the reaffirmation that she needed to be getting good sleep, staying as relaxed and unstressed as possible, but she couldn’t think about that. Her brain was going on loop, on repeat.

I’m having a boy, she thought, a perfectly healthy baby boy. My baby.

When Harding patted John’s shoulder and said, “I’ll give you two a minute,” before exiting, she felt John’s fingers threading through the hair at the nape of her neck; in a gesture that was painfully intimate, his forehead pressed to hers.

“Holy shit,” he whispered. “I can’t believe that—”

“I know,” she said, sniffing. “I can’t either.”

“You were right.” He grinned, their noses brushing, giving her hand a squeeze. So close to a kiss; she felt her lashes fluttering, the warmth of his hand spreading along the slope of her neck. “We’re having a boy. My God.”

Yes. We are having a boy. A perfectly healthy baby boy. Without her permission, the thought populated, permeating her brain.

Our baby.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

“Yes, I have him right here.”

Staci blinked. A quick intake of his surroundings reminded him that he was sitting in the cab of one of Eden’s Gates trucks—lifted from the F.A.N.G. Center. Footage of him with the cultists—the other cultists—would now be available. Footage of him walking past the corpses of Jacob’s gutted chosen would now be available.

Jacob is going to kill me, he thought, lifting his eyes from the back of the seat to look at Helmi. The woman was watching him as she spoke on the phone, with Dani sitting next to him on the backbench. Helmi had been on the phone with someone for quite a while; he’d stopped paying attention what felt like eons ago. If he just let his brain drift off, he wouldn’t think about the bodies. Fucking God, their bodies—

Jacob’s going to fucking kill me.

Helmi's hand moved. On instinct, Staci flinched, and she rolled her eyes.

“Say hello, doggy,” she said, shoving the phone against his ear. He fumbled with it for a minute before he swallowed thickly.

When he looked at Dani frantically, she frowned, her brows furrowing, and she whispered, “Don’t embarrass me, Staci.”

“Um, h...” His mouth was painfully dry. “Hello?”

“Hello. Is this Staci Pratt?”

The voice on the other end was painfully pleasant. She had the same kind of accent Dani did—Norwegian, maybe, or Swedish—but her voice was a bit deeper, a rich timbre to it.

“I am,” he replied uneasily. “I-I mean, yes. It is.”

Helmi had faced forward in the driver’s seat again and started pulling away from the F.A.N.G. Center, turning the heat down low. As the truck pulled out onto the snowy highway, she flicked the headlights off and slowed to something close to a crawl.

“S-Sorry, but—”

“You do not have to apologize to me, Staci.”

“I just don’t know—um, who you are,” he managed out. As soon as he said the words, Dani dug her elbow into his ribs; he barely stifled the yelp, looking at her as she mouthed something he couldn’t understand.

She hissed, “I told you, she is—”

“My name is Kajsa. Helmi, and your Dani, and many of our brothers and sisters are...” Her voice trailed off, and she made a thoughtful hum. Pratt tried to ignore the way she said your Dani made his heart jump in his throat. “They are my charges. It is my responsibility to take care of them.”

“Oh,” Pratt said. “So what...What do you want with me?”

“Helmi says that you have made a very good impression,” Kajsa replied sweetly. “You have important knowledge, and I want to make sure that you are safe, and taken care of. Just as I would any of the others.”

He fought back a grimace. The words sounded sweet and enticing, but he couldn’t shake the way Dani had looked at the gutted corpses on the screen and said delightedly, It will happen to us all. If we are lucky, Helmi will be the one who does it for us.

Pratt’s gaze darted up to the front. Helmi’s dark eyes fixed on his in the mirror, like she had been watching him all along.

“It is my understanding that the Seeds have not endeared you to their cause? That you know what your colleague did, that your friends have left?”

“No,” he replied quickly. “I mean—that’s right. Um, I was working for Jacob, but it was more like—”

“Do not trouble yourself with recounting. I believe you,” Kajsa interrupted. And then, gently: “It must have been horrible.”

His chest tightened. Oh, no, he thought, shaking his head and pressing the heel of his hand against his left eye. No, fuck no, don’t listen to her, Pratt, you fucking idiot.

“By now you must have some grasp of what is going on,” the woman continued, “but in case you do not, I will tell you. Are you listening, Staci Pratt?”

Pratt’s head pressed against the back of the seat. He didn’t want to; he didn’t want to listen to her sweetness, her sympathy, the way she clicked her tongue and the timbre of her voice warming him down to the marrow of his bones when he felt like he’d been freezing this whole time.

“Yes,” he whispered. “I’m listening.”

“We are well-armed. We are organized. We have a common enemy with you. And a common friend, too.” She paused, and he thought that he could hear a smile in her voice when she said, “I can tell that you want to live, my darling. That you don’t want me to have Helmi pull over and gut you open, leave you for the crows and the wolves and the woods to take you.”

Opening his mouth did nothing to inspire the words to come out of him. Nausea rolled violently in his stomach—but there was nothing left to puke up, even if he’d wanted to.

He did want to live, but not like this. Not terrified. Not. Like. This.

“I want you to live too,” Kajsa murmured on the other end.

“But you’re going to have to do something for me.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

When Elliot opened her eyes, it had gotten dark outside.

It took her a minute to collect her bearings, sitting up in a bed in a dark room. At her feet, Boomer huffed and sighed at the disturbance, and then she remembered; she was in her bed. Back at home. John had driven the both of them back to the house, and she’d said that she needed to lay down—and he’d let her, without protest or complaint. He hadn’t even tried to insinuate she could use a napping companion.

Pulling herself out of bed, she rubbed her eyes tiredly and glanced out the window. Everything felt a little foggy. How long had she been sleeping? Had she really been out until late into the night?

She reached absently to her bedside table, blindly fumbling for the lamp switch; after what felt like an eternity of not being able to find it, Elliot sighed and skimmed her hand over her face, looking out the window. The night outside was brighter than it had been in a while, with no clouds in the sky and the moon illuminating the snowy landscape in an unforgiving blue-white, stretching out far and far and far until it hit the treeline.

Something darted on the horizon. She blinked rapidly, taking a step closer to the window and pushing on the glass pane until it started to slide up, grinding laboriously. The longer she looked, the longer Elliot thought maybe she had just been zoning out—but then she saw it again; a flash of something, pale and long, like spider bone-white in color skittering up the dark wood of a tree in the distant treeline.

A glimpse of pale limbs. Tangled, dark hair—she couldn’t make out the color, it was too dark—but it looked wet, it looked matted, like someone had hurt it. Like someone had blown its skull open.

Something metal rattled. The trash can, she thought, her attention snapping to the front of the house. When the sound of metal crashed in the night, the motion-activated light in the front kicked on. A shadow stretched along the snow, cast long and deformed by the warping of the light.

“Hey!” Elliot shouted, but the shadow did not twitch or move in response; just the sounds of rustling, like whoever it was found themselves too preoccupied with digging through the trash can. Her heart was pounding violently in her chest; the terror that had been knotting in her stomach was doused by something hotter, redder, angrier.

Rage.

She pushed herself away from the window and out the door into the hallway. As her feet hit the stairs, there was almost no noise—just the rushing of her movements as she pushed the front door open and hurried down the front steps, turning the corner to where the garbage can sat.

“Hey, listen to me!” she snapped, propelled by the anger when she saw the figure hunched over the garbage can. “You can’t be in—”

The figure lifted its head. From the back, her eyes swept over what looked like fur, a tail, up and up to the back of a head that had two ears perched on it, until the figure’s head turned—

Fury disappeared. It was now only dread, only pure, cold dread and terror sitting in her, gutting her, washing her out as the dog with a man’s face turned and looked at her and smiled.

The square teeth, gapped and pearly, oozed with the same dark liquid as she had thought she’d seen before. In the yellow light from the porch, it glittered dark as garnets, dropping into the snow and spreading out crimson.

Move, she thought, I have to move, I have to fucking move, I have to go I have to run I have to—

“Hey!”

It was her voice. It was her voice, but it wasn’t coming out of her—it was thrown, echoing from somewhere in the trees, the dog with the man’s face spreading its mouth wider. Somehow, she knew deep in the marrow of her bones that It was making that sound.

“Hey? Listen to me?”

The pitch was all wrong. Elliot felt a moan bubbling up in her, and It turned on its hind legs, feet hanging loose around its ribcage, and faced her fully. She managed one step back before It tilted its head, as if to say, where are you going?

“Hey, listen to me!”

There was something else in its teeth. Something else, wiry and golden, and even when she willed herself a step back

(whereveryougowhereveryourun)

her body would not move; she was trapped, frozen, watching as It stepped closer

(ItwillwaitforyouItwaitsforusall)

she realized that it was hair, in It’s teeth

(ITWAITSFORYOUITWAITSFORUSALLITWILLHAVEYOU)

her hair.

A hand landed on her shoulder, and she screamed.

When she lurched and twisted around, she was not met with a familiar face. It was a woman, hair dark and bundled up in winter clothes, watching her with concern furrowing her brows as the headlights of her car made Elliot squint. She immediately jerked away.

“Are you alright?” the woman asked, her hand dropping back to her side. She was tall—she had to be at least six feet tall, and her face was sharp and angular, her eyes nearly black without any light to show their color.

“Where—” Glancing around wildly, Elliot forced a swallow. She was not in front of her house. She was not even close to the front of her house. She was all the way at the end of the drive, standing in the—

“—found you in the middle of the road,” the woman said, the lilt of her accent jarring Elliot back to reality. “I was on my way home when I nearly hit you. Are you quite well?”

Her gaze snapped back to the woman. The dog; where was the dog with the man’s face? Where had she—

Every nerve-ending felt fried, like they had become pure static; she felt like she was vibrating. She stared at the dark-haired woman with the strange, rich accent, wondering why it itched at her. Weyfield was small. Too small for her to not know about someone with an accent living there.

“Who are you?” she asked after a moment, nails digging into her palms. “You don’t live around here.”

A smile stretched across the woman’s face. She had pearly teeth, and the kind of full mouth that looked pretty, sculpted—but in the smile, Elliot only thought, broken glass, her smile looks like broken glass.

Vaguely, she was aware of John’s voice; he must have heard her scream, or seen her down the driveway, the headlights of the unfamiliar car illuminating her in the dead of night. And yet, she couldn’t shake the feeling. Paranoia spread along her spine, worming into her lungs, a most effective parasite.

“I know you don’t live here,” Elliot managed out, her voice trembling as she took a step forward. There was a tiny pinprick of relief when she realized she’d regained her mobility. “Why are you driving around this neighborhood? Who are you?”

The woman turned and headed back towards the driver’s side of her car, hands tucked politely into the pockets of her coat.

“You should be more careful of your sleepwalking. Someone else might not have been so kind as to stop,” she called over her shoulder. “And—”

The woman paused, the smile still rooted firmly on her face as she opened her car door.

“I hear stress is bad for the baby.”

Something wretched and vile twisted in her stomach, hot as a branding iron. The panic that shot through her system was so vicious, so potent, that for a second she felt like the air had been sucked out of her lungs; it crashed over her in a wave so powerful that her vision swam and she thought, I’m going to pass out.

But there was another thought, too, squirming around in there, blinking its little emergency light:

My baby, my baby, you stay away from my baby.

“Ell!”

John’s hands landed on her before she thought think to pull away, even if she’d wanted to, as the headlights of the woman’s car turned away and began to drift down the drive. The idea that she ought to chase the car down occurred to her, but the tremble in her legs and the hitch of her breath reminded her that it would only serve to make her feel worse.

The brunette frantically checked her over, panting and out of breath as though he’d just sprinted down the drive; when his hands finally came to a stop, they were cradling her face, his eyes searching hers. Over his shoulder, she watched the receding red light of the woman’s car drifting in the dark, aimless in a sea of inky black, and she wanted to throw up.

“I heard you scream,” he said, breathless as his brows knit together at the center of his forehead. “What are you doing all the way out here? Baby, look at me, what’s wrong?”

“She knew,” Elliot managed out. Her voice felt like sandpaper grinding out of her lungs. “She knew I—she knew about our baby.”

“Who?” John looked over his shoulder, and then back at her, his thumbs smoothing over her cheekbones. “Elliot, who?”

I don’t know, but the words wouldn’t come.

I don’t know who she is,

but she knew about our baby,

and she has a smile like broken glass,

and a mouth as red as blood.

#my writing #fic: witching hour #john seed x female deputy #john seed/female deputy #far cry 5 fic #fc5 fic #tw blood #tw body horror #uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #ch: elliot honeysett #ch: john seed #ch: isolde khan #ch: joseph seed #ch: jacob seed #s/o to santi and arden one day your time in the sun will come #also: poor staci #that is all i have to say on THAT #: )))))))#thank u thank u thank u!!!

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iamknicole · 3 years

Text

Familiar Face (3)

SVU Fic

A month had flown by and Olivia had yet to have the talk Elliot wanted to have. The flurry of cases they both had made that even easier for her.

"Hey, Cap. You busy?" Peach asked knocking lightly on the door.

Olivia waved her in, waiting for her to close the door and have a seat. "What can I do for you, Peach?"

"Just wanted to check on you. You've seemed out of it the last couple of weeks. You okay?"

"You're very observant," Olivia chuckled, "I'm alright, I promise."

Peach smiled, "You're not but it's okay, I know you don't know me yet. Whatever it is that's bothering you will work out."

"What about you? How do you like being here? Settled in okay?"

"I like it, its different from what I'm used to but a good different." Peach explained nodding her head. "I'm still getting use to Rollins though."

Olivia pushed her glasses up on her face to look at her phone, "Rollins is not fond of change at all. Its not you, its that. She'll come around though."

"I'll remember that. I'll leave you to whatever or whoever is on your phone." Peach left the office going to her desk looking through some paperwork.

"Busy tonight Rollins?" Fin asked twisting in his chair.

She looked away from her computer and shook her head. "Besides hanging with my two at home, no. Why?"

"Dinner tonight to celebrate Peach's first month with us and Nick's first month at violent crimes. You in?"

"Nick's at violent crimes?" She asked giving him her full attention. "I didn't know that."

Fin shrugged smiling, "Either way, we're celebrating. You comin?"

Rollins nodded, "Yeah, I'll go celebrate with him. I just gotta let the babysitter know I'll be later."

Peach chuckled under her breath at Rollins choice of words. The other detective had been making little remarks and doing little things to piss Peach off but it hadn't worked thus far.

"Who's all coming?" Kat asked

"Us four of course, Nick, Phoebe and Carisi. It'll be like a family reunion." Fin joked before picking up his ringing desk phone.

Rollins went back to her computer and rolled her eyes, "A family reunion with extras."

"What was that, Amanda?" Peach asked smiling.

"Nothing, nothing, just talking to myself. I hope you don't feel any way that you have to share your celebratory dinner with our old coworker."

"Nope, I don't. I actually suggested that Nick and I have our dinners together. Wouldn't make sense to have two separate ones."

Rollins glanced at her, "You suggested to share a dinner with a stranger? Southern hospitality at its finest."

Peach chuckled shaking her head. "He's not a stranger. Me and Nick are friends and we used to be partners. We were undercover together as well."

"Huh, is that so? He never mentioned you while he was here."

"There was no need for him to mention me while he was at work. But trust me we're close friends."

Kat watched and listened to the conversation closely, she knew Peach and she knew when her friend started to get agitated and wanted to intervene when she noticed it was getting close to that moment. As much as Rollins worked Peach's nerves, Peach had never said anything out of the way to Rollins or about Rollins. However, Rollins complained about Peach whenever she could and to whoever she could.

----

Olivia stood in her kitchen fixing dinner for her and Noah. Her son came running from the back of the apartment from his room when he heard a knock at the door. Olivia laughed hearing his feet.

"Ask who it is before you open it, Noah."

"Who is it?" He yelled standing at the door.

"Elliot! Open up, Noah." He yelled with a hint of laughter in his voice.

Before she could stop him, Noah snatched the door open with a wide smile on his face. He launched himself at Elliot as soon as the older man stepped in, hugging him tight.

"Whats going on, buddy? I take it you missed me?" Elliot laughed hugging him back.

"Yeah! Mom said you've been busy with work."

Elliot nodded glancing over at Olivia, who still had her back to them. "Yeah, work's been busy but I'm here now. Why don't you go play for a bit while your mom and me talk."

Watching him run off, Elliot went to the kitchen area sitting on the stool at her breakfast bar. He let her move around in silence for a few minutes.

"I've been calling you, Liv."

"I know but between work and Noah I've been so busy. I'm sorry, El."

Elliot nodded rubbing his hands together. "At least turn around and look at me while you lie to me. You've been avoiding me."

Turning the stove down, Olivia moved to lean against the counter finally looking at Elliot. She couldn't help the small smile that started to spread on her face.

"You could've just not asked, El. We could've just let it be."

Elliot shrugged, "I could've but if we're really moving past everything then this needs to be discussed. So let's discuss."

"Not with Noah here."

"If we don't talk tonight, right now then you're gonna avoid me again," Elliot replied shaking his head, "You said it yourself when he's in his room playing he doesn't hear anything. Now let's talk."

Olivia sighed wiping a hand down her face. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Let's start with why you didn't tell me about Noah?"

"You left, El. It was three months before I even realized and how was I supposed to tell you?"

"That was something that was important to tell, Liv. It's not easy but you say it," he sighed. "The night that you and I spent together ... did you regret it?"

"No of course not. No." She replied immediately.

"Then you should've told me. I wanna hear you say it, tell me."

Olivia stared at him trying to make herself say it. She never said it out loud to anyone not even aloud to herself. And here she was having to say it to the very person that helped her into this situation.

----

"Well, well, look at what the wind blew in," Fin laughed standing up to greet Nick. "And with a beard at that."

Nick laughed hugging Fin then Phoebe. "Had to start looking my age. Got tired of everyone calling me choir boy."

"You'll always be chior boy to me, man," Fin replied sitting back down. "Everybody else said they're on their way. How's the job treating you?"

"Actually pretty good. Captain and me get along pretty well so do me and my partner so that's all I can ask for. You used to work with him, right? Stabler."

Fin nodded, "Sure did. For years. He can be an ass and a hot head but a good dude. Kinda like you."

Nick chuckled, "I'll take that as a compliment. How's Peach doing with you guys? Yall taking care of her?"

"She fits in pretty good, Rollins hadn't come around yet. Wait, why? You got a thing for your ex- partner?"

"No, not that. We're friends. We go back to my vice undercover days. What's Rollins deal with her?" Nick asked getting comfortable.

Fin shrugged. "You know Amanda, she's real finicky sometimes. I ain't figured out what the deal is but I'm sure she'll tell us eventually."

"Speak of the devil," Nick joked under his breath seeing Rollins walk in with Carisi behind her. He smiled, "Long time no see Amanda. What's going on, Carisi? You two a thing now? Finally."

Carisi shook his head quickly sitting across from the others. "No, not at all. We both just got here at the same time is all. Look at you with this beard, man."

Rollins shot Carisi a look then hugged Nick. "Well don't say it like it's such a bad thing. Hey, Nick. How ya doing?"

"I'm good, I'm good. What about your girls? How are they?"

She got comfortable in the seat beside Nick. "They're good, a handful but good. How's Zara and Maria?"

"Good," Nick nodded, "Zara's happy to be back in New York, wasn't too fond of LA."

"And Maria? She happy to be back?"

"I guess she would be if she was here," Nick shrugged with a small smile on his face. "So, Carisi, DA's office treating you good?"

Carisi laughed, "If good means giving me ulcers then yeah. I don't enjoy it everyday but I don't regret my decision."

"You wouldn't have ulcers if you stayed a cop." Rollins rolled her eyes trying to sound as playful as possible

Nick looked between the two of them, thankful he didn't have to deal with her snide remarks anymore. "He had to do what was best for him, Amanda. You can't fault him for that."

"I'm just saying," she shrugged, "He could've waited."

"Waited for what?" Carisi asked with a frown.

Before Rollins could respond, Kat and Peach approached the table laughing and talking loudly. Kat started to hug everyone.

"The second guest of honor is here so the celebrating can begin," Peach announced excitedly.

"I promise she hasn't started drinking yet," Kat joked sitting to the right of Carisi, "This is just how she talks off the clock and when she's excited."

Fin laughed pulling away from hugging Peach. "Loudest I've heard you talk this whole month."

"There was no reason to talk that loud at work," she responded playfully.

Smiling, Nick got up going around the table with his arms open wide. "Get over here and gimmie a hug, girl!" The two friends embraced tightly for a minute or so before letting go. "Haven't seen your mug in a while, munchkin."

Peach laughed pushing him playfully. "I told you about the name, Nick. And you act like you don't talk to me at least two or three times a week."

"So what? I can't miss your mean ass face?" Nick joked. "These people get to see it every day just about."

"Oh whatever, Nick. Move," she laughed going to sit to the left of Carisi, "Is this you dressing down?"

Nick went back to his seat laughing but noticed the look on Rollins face. He leaned in close to her to keep his voice down. "What's with your face?"

"Nothing, nothing. You and her close, huh?"

"Yeah we are. That's my friend."

Carisi laughed fixing his shirt, "I didn't wanna be overdressed in my suits but this was still a celebration. Does it not look nice?"

Peach raised a brow playfully. "No, no, it looks nice. You look good, Carisi."

"I see you dressed up as well. Showin' leg, huh?"

"I don't get to dress up that often so I figured I'd show out a little. Too much?" She asked looking over at him.

Carisi looked down then back at her face, "Na, not too much. You look beautiful. Did you drive?"

"Thank you," she shook her head, "Nope. Me and Kat wanted to drink tonight so we're gonna get a Uber."

"You know how I feel about that."

Peach shrugged playfully. "I know but we're gonna be together and we love in the same building." Carisi stared over at her making her roll her eyes. "Fine, fine. You can take us home, Dominic."

"Thank you very much, Bianca."

Rollins squinted at the two, "What's so funny you two?"

"Shhh," Peach laughed, "Yall hear that?"

Fin frowned a little and chuckled. "Hear what?"

"The sound of somebody minding my business again."

----

Olivia sighed softly fixing the three dinner plates, she had yet to say what Elliot wanted to hear. She knew she was going to have to say it before Noah came out to eat but she was buying time. Taking the plates over to the breakfast bar, Olivia sat them down then grabbed Elliot's hands.

"The night we spent together after that case with that boy Hunter was the night I got pregnant," Olivia explained softly, "I didn't find out until a few months later, by that time you were already gone. Cragen let me stay as long as I could then I went out on leave until Noah was about six months. I never told anybody but Fin and Cragen figured it out when they say him."

Elliot squeezed her hands smiling, "Thank you for finally telling me. Thank you."

"Wait," Noah called out, "You had a baby before me, Mom?"

Olivia and Elliot stared at each other then at Noah speechless.

#law and order svu fic #svufic #svu fic #Elliot & Olivia #stabler & benson

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greatfay · 3 years

Note

controversial opinions?

Cold pizza actually not good. Tastes like angry bacteria.

There’s a completely separate class of gay men who are in a different, rainbow-tinted plane of reality from the rest of us and I don’t like them. They push for “acceptance” via commercialization of the Pride movement, assimilation through over-exposure, and focus on sexualizing the movement to be “provocative” and writing annoying articles that reek of class privilege instead of something actually important like lgbtqa youth homelessness, job discrimination, and mental health awareness.

Coleslaw is good. You guys just suck in the kitchen.

Generational divides ARE real: a 16-year-old and a 60-year-old right now in 2021 could agree on every hot button sociopolitical topic and yet not even realize it because they communicate in entirely different ways.

Sam Wilson is a power bottom. No I will not elaborate.

Allison’s makeover in The Breakfast Club good, not bad. She kept literally and metaphorically dumping her trash out onto the table and it’s clearly a cry for help. Having the attention and affection of a smart, pretty girl doing her makeup for her was sweet and helped her open up to new experiences. Not every loner wants to BE a loner (see: Bender, who is fine being a lone wolf).

Movie/show recommendations that start with a detailed “representation” list read like status-effecting gear in an RPG and it’s actually a turn-off for me. I have to force myself to give something a try in spite of it.

Yelling at people to just “learn a new language” because clearly everyone who isn’t you and your immediate vicinity of friends must be a lazy ignorant white American is so fucking stupid, like I get it, you’re mad someone doesn’t immediately know how to pronounce your name or what something means. But I know 2 languages and am struggling with a 3rd when I can between 2 jobs and quite frankly, I don’t have the time to just absorb the entire kanji system into my brain to learn Japanese by tomorrow night, or suddenly learn Arabic or Welsh. There are 6500 recorded languages in the world, what’s the chance that one of 3 I’ve learn(ed?) is the one you’re yelling at me about. Yes this is referring to that post yelling at people for not knowing how to pronounce obscure Irish names and words. Sometimes just explaining something instead of admonishing people for not knowing something inherently in the belief that everyone must be lazy entitled privileged people is uh... better?

Stop fucking yelling at people. I despise feeling like someone is yelling at me or scolding me, it triggers my Violence Mode, you don’t run me, you are not God, fuck off. Worst fucking way to "educate” people, it just feels good in the moment to say or write and doesn’t help. Yes I’ve done it before.

Violence is good actually.

Characters doing bad things ≠ an endorsement of bad things. Characters doing bad things that are unquestioned by the entire rest of the cast = endorsement of bad things, or at the least, a power fantasy by the creator. See: Glee, in which Sue’s awfulness is constantly called out, while Mr. Shue’s awfulness rarely is because he’s “the hero.” See also: the Lightbringer series, in which the protagonist is a violent manipulator who is praised as clever, charming, diplomatic, and genius by every supporting character (enemies included), despite the text never demonstrating such.

Euphoria is good, actually. It falls into this niche of the past decade of “dark gritty teen shows” but actually has substance behind it, but the general vibe I get from passive-aggressive tumblr posts from casual viewers is that this show is The Devil, and the criticism of its racier content screams pearl-clutching “what about the children??” to me.

Describing all diagnosed psychopaths as violent criminals is a damaging slippery slope, sure. But I won’t be mad at anyone for inherently distrusting another human who does not have the ability to feel guilt and remorse, empathy, is a pathological liar, or proves to be cunning and manipulative.

It’s actually not easy to unconditionally support and love everyone everywhere when you’ve actually experienced the World. Your perspective and values will be challenged as you encounter difficult people, experience hardship, are torn between conflicting ideas and commitments, and fail. My vow to never ever call the cops on another black person was challenged when an employee’s boyfriend marched into the kitchen OF AN ESTABLISHMENT to scream at her, in a BUSINESS I MANAGED, and threaten to BEAT the SHIT out of her. Turns out I can hate cops and hate that motherfucker equally, I am more than capable of both.

Defending makeup culture bad, actually. Enjoy it, experiment, master it, but don’t paint it as something other than upholding exactly what they want from you. Even using makeup to “defy the heteropatriarchal oppressors!” is still putting cash in their pockets, no matter how camp...

Not every villain needs to be redeemed, some of you just never outgrew projecting yourself onto monsters and killers.

Writing teams and networks queerbaiting is not the same as individuals queerbaiting. Nick Jonas performing exclusively at gay clubs to generate an audience really isn’t criminal; if they paid to go see him, that’s on them, he didn’t promise anyone anything other than music and a show. Do not paint this as similar to wealthy, bigoted executives and writing teams trying to snatch up the LGBTQA demographic with vague ass marketing and manipulative screenplays, only to cop out so as not to alienate their conservative audiences. And ESPECIALLY when the artists/actors/creators accused of queerbaiting or lezploitation then come out as queer in some form later on.

Queer is not a bad word, and I’ve no clue how that remains one of few words hurled at LGBTQA people that can’t be reclaimed. It’s so archaic and underused at this point that I don’t get the reaction to it compared to others.

People who defend grown-woman Lorelai Gilmore’s childish actions and in the same breath heavily criticize teenage religious abuse victim Lane Kim’s actions are not to be trusted. Also Lane deserved better.

Keep your realism out of my media, or at least make it tonally consistent. Tired of shows and movies and books where some gritty, dark shit comes out of nowhere when the narrative was relatively Romantic beforehand.

Actually people should be writing characters different from themselves, this new wave in the past year of “If you aren’t [X] you shouldn’t be writing [X]” is a complete leap backward from the 2010s media diversity movement. And if [X] has to do with an invisible minority status (not immediately visible disabilities, or diverse sexual orientations and gender identities, persecuted religious affiliations, mental illness) it’s actually quite fucked up to assume the creator can’t be whatever [X] is or to demand receipts or details of someone’s personal life to then grant them “permission” to create something. I know, we’re upset an actual gay actor wasn’t casted to play this gay character, so let’s give them shit about it: and not lose a wink of sleep when 2 years later, this very actor comes out and gives a detailed account of the pressure to stay closeted if they wanted success in Hollywood.

Projecting an actor’s personal romantic life and gender identity onto the characters they play is actually many levels of fucked up, and not cute or funny. See: reinterpreting every character Elliot Page has played through a sapphic lens, and insulting his ability to play straight characters while straight actors play actual caricatures of us (See also: Jared Leto. Fuck him).

I’m fucking sick of DaBaby, he sucks. “I shot somebody, she suck my peepee” that’s 90% of whatever he raps about.

“Political Correctness” is not new. It was, at one point, unacceptable to walk into a fine establishment and inform the proprietor that you love a nice firm pair of tits in your face. 60 years ago, such a statement would get you throw out and possibly arrested under suspicion of public intoxication. But then something happened and I blame Woodstock and Nixon. And now I have to explain to a man 40 years my senior that no, you can’t casually mention to the staff here, many of whom are children, how you haven’t had a good fuck in a while. And then rant about the “Chinese who gave us the virus.” Can’t be that upset with them if you then refused to wear your mask for 20 minutes.

Triggering content should not have a blanket ban; trigger warnings are enough, and those who campaign otherwise need to understand the difference between helping people and taking away their agency. 13 Reasons Why inspired this one. Absolutely shitty show, sure, but it’s a choice to watch it knowing exactly what it contains.

Sasuke’s not a fucking INTJ, he’s an ISFP whose every decision is based off in-the-moment feelings and proves incapable of detailed and logical planning to accomplish his larger goals.

MCU critique manages to be both spot-on and pointless. Amazing stories have been told with these characters over the course of decades; but most of it is toilet paper. Expecting a Marvel movie to be a deeply detailed examination of American nationalism and imperialism painted with a colorful gauze of avant-garde film technique is like expecting filet mignon from McDonalds. Scarf down your quarter pounder or gtfo.

Disparagingly comparing the popularity and (marginal) success of BLM to another movement is anti-black. It is not only possible but also easy to ask for people’s support without throwing in “you all supported BLM for black people but won’t show support for [insert group]” how about you keep our name out your mouth? Black people owe the rest of the world nothing tbh until yall root out the anti-blackness in your own communities.

It is the personal demon/tragic flaw of every cis gay/bi/pan man to externalize and exorcize Shame: I’m talking about the innate compulsion to Shame, especially in the name of Pride and Progress. Shame for socioeconomic “success,” shame for status of outness, shame for fitness and health, shame for looks, shame for style and dress, shame for how one fits into the gender binary, shame for sexual positions and intimacy preferences, shame for fucking music tastes. Put down the weapon that They used to beat you. Becoming the Beater is not growth, it’s the worst-case scenario.

Works by minorities do not have to be focused on their marginalized identities. Some ladies want to ride dragons AND other ladies. The pressure on minorities to create the Next Great Minority Character Study that will inevitably get snuffed at the Oscars/Peabody Awards is some bullshit when straight white dudes walk around shitting out mediocre screenplays and books.

Canadians can stfu about how the US is handling COVID-19 actually. Love most of yall, but the number of Canadian snowbirds on vacation (VACATION??? VA.CAT.ION.) in the supposed “hotbed” of my region that I’ve had to inform our mask policies and social distancing to is ASTOUNDING. Incroyable! I guess your country has a sizable population of entitled, privileged, inconsiderate, wealthy, and ignorant people making things difficult for everyone, just like mine :)

No trick to eliminate glasses fog while wearing my mask has worked, not a single one, it actually has affected my job and work speed and is incredibly frustrating, and I have to deal with it and pretend it’s not a problem while still encouraging others to follow the rules for everyone’s safety and the cognitive dissonance is driving me insane.

It’s really really really not anti-Japanese... to be uncomfortable with the rampant pedophilia in manga and anime, and voice this. I really can’t compare western animation’s sneakier bullshit with pantyshots of a 12-year-old girl.

Most of the people in the cottagecore aesthetic/tag have zero interest in all the hard work that comes with maintaining an isolated property in the countryside, milking cows and tending crops before sunrise, etc. And that’s okay? They just like flowers and pretty pottery and homemade pastries. Idk where discourse about this came from.

You think mint chip ice-cream tastes like toothpaste because you’re missing a receptor that can distinguish the flavors, and that sucks for you. It’s a sort of “taste-blindness” that can make gum spicy to some while others can eat a ghost pepper without crying.

Being a spectacle for the oppressive class doesn’t make them respect us, it makes them unafraid of us. This means they continue to devour us, but without fear of our retaliation.

Only like 4 people on tumblr dot com are actually prepared for the full ramifications of an actual revolution. The rest of you just really imprinted onto Katniss, or grew up in the suburbs.

Straight crushes are normal. They’re people first, sexual orientation second. Can’t always know.

The road to body positivity is not easy, especially if what you desire is what you aren’t.

You’re actually personally responsible for not voluntarily bringing yourself into an environment that you know is not fit for you unless you have the resolve to manage it. Can’t break a glass ceiling without getting a few cuts. This one’s a shoutout to my homophobic temp coworkers who decided working a venue with a drag show would be a good idea. This is also is a shoutout to people who want to make waves but are surprised when the boat tips. And also a shoutout to people who—wait that’s it’s own controversial opinion hold up.

Straight people can and should stay the fuck out of gay bars and queer spaces. “yoUrE bEInG diVisiVe” go fuck yourself.

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greylunar · 4 years

Note

hi! I took your quiz and the result was wrong but I loved it and your writing, where can I find more of that?

HahahA I respect this ask IMMENSELY thank you very much for it, and for loving the quiz despite it’s flaws. Prose wise, I’ve got a frighteningly long star trek fanfic you can read, and other than that I think I’m just responding to everyone who asks me about poetry/writing with a poem under the keep reading, and you can find my writing and those posts under the “tal writes” tags because i literally haven’t put my writing on here before so! Hope that’s okay! if yall have a better idea let me know haha

Warnings on this poem: its about the Trans Experience TM and discusses themes of vaguely internalized homophobia and transphobia as well as dysphoria, but ends positively and is more about learning how to own your identity and your gender? Yes haha i think that about covers it

This Poem Is a Real Male Bathroom, For Real Men™️ Only

I know something is wrong when he turns around at the urinal.

Despite being new to this whole bathroom thing, I am certain that there is a rule about this specifically.

As he asks me what my name is, I wash my hands.

I almost say Miles, the name my mother says she would have given me if I was born a boy, but my brain tells me that this is Too Gay. My own name does not even cross my mind.

Miles is the name of my grandfather. He worked in the same steel mill for forty-six years. I do not believe he ever looked at a man for more than five seconds at a time. I know this, because he is the one who taught me to keep my head down at the urinal. To keep my head down at all times.

Still, I say Max. In my mouth, it sounds like a dogs name.

I stand there and try to remember the steps that go into washing your hands as he keeps talking. I am aware he is facing me completely now, I am aware of his frame in the background of the mirror I cannot look at, I am aware that there is one rule in male bathrooms, and so my brain keeps looping and repeating do not look up do not look up do not look up.

He asks me what my number is, and when I recount this to my mother a week later, I cannot find a way to describe how it feels like a threat. How it feels like wanting to count the tiles to the exit door but not being able to stop washing your hands because you simply can’t remember how it’s done anymore, what that last step is that lets your brain know the process is over. I try and work through it again. I restart, get more soap.

He keeps saying things. My brain flicks through quotes in my head like rapidly choosing what to wear into battle. I misremember the one I end up choosing, find myself unable to fix the clasps on a breastplate that I built for myself, it should have fit me. I feel like this strangely has to do more with what is inside my chest versus the flesh that lies on top of it, regardless, I play the quote again.

“The poet’s job, in the midst of the flood, is to remember the color of the water.”

And again.

The sink is just clear. I am trying to convince it to be blue, for a grocery list of reasons and the ghost of a voice saying “poetic cinema”, when he says something else, and I blink and it is Wednesday.

I joke to my friends that I am not sure if my superpower is time travel or teleportation. We decide that it is the latter because if I could time travel, I would just go forward til things were better. Instead, I just end up somewhere else days later, blinking back into my body, trying to remember how I got there. I am not wearing my jacket anymore. I still can’t find it now, and I only have a vague recollection of frantically looking for a sharpie to scribble out the rainbow flag on the outside, not because I am ashamed but because I have always needed a safety blanket, even now and it just doesn’t feel safe anymore.

My sister made it for my eighteenth birthday, not to celebrate my birth but my continued existence, she says it is a gift so that I can remember how brave I have been.

I am wearing it when I am too scared in an empty cafe to hold the boy I want to marry’s hand.

Six people write down brave as an adjective to describe me out of ten for a class project. I realize, after an hour of not understanding these results that everyone who has said this is LGBT. They do not think I am brave in my actions, they know I am brave for being alive.

I do not like that my sheer existence is heroic.

Later that night, or maybe a month before, I have been teleporting so much lately that I can’t remember time, I ask my partner if he thinks I am gay enough.

He asks me what I mean, and I do not know how to answer him,

I cannot tell if people see me as a boy or girl when they look at me anymore or if I just look small.

I tell him that it feels like I am just now realizing that I have missed my train and that I have been sitting at the station for eighteen years waiting for something that simply will not come,

When a girl tells me I am pretty I think of how I pictured myself looking in college.

I stand next to my little brother as we get out of the car and he is three heads taller than I will ever be,

I remember joking with him, when I did not know anything, that I would always make a better soldier than him.

I remember the first time I realized he would always be stronger than me when a news alert goes off on my phone saying I am too expensive to be in the military.

I tell my boyfriend that I have never seen myself as trans as I picture my father in Germany, my grandfather taking a picture of him in uniform as he helps pull a man over a wall my father made sure crumbled, I wonder if the picture took him more than five seconds to take, or if it’s okay to look at men through glass, through a viewfinder.

The only picture I have left of his is one of my mother holding me as a child, and there is much love in that single faded frame that even the photo paper feels soft, and still, today, I cannot help but wonder what he would think of me.

The water in the bathroom is clear as I wash my hands. My name is not Max. I know this because it took me four years to choose the perfect one. To make sure it fit right, like a safety jacket.

On a Thursday, my therapist asks me why I am scared, and suddenly I am in bed reading a text from a friend that asks the same thing, and maybe it actually is time travel.

“I do not know,” I say, both times, and they echo and I can’t make out which voice is mine, the high pitched one in my head or the one people hear when they meet me again for the first time in years.

I do not know, I say, because I have never been righteous I have never been angry. The group chat talks about what kind of historical gays they are. Elliot says he would have been an 80’s escort, in rich extravagant clothing, taking women to parties their husbands could not attend. Phoenix is a second brick at stonewall kind of gay, apparently. They ask me what I would be doing then. I say Berlin and Vietnam, respectively.

I have made it a goal, for the past two years, to tell someone on the internet every day that I love them. I did this after a person I barely knew died. His mother made a post about how we should not say that he “committed” anything, because that it makes it sound like a crime. I tell people I love them and sometimes it still feels like I am committing the act of love.

A boy once wrote to me saying he was happy I was finally writing happy poems. Even as I tell myself that life is circular, and sometimes backwards can still be forwards, I try to make this poem happy for him.

As I write this, I know I am traveling faster than the speed of light. That a few days from now I will blink and wake up and find this on my computer and wonder how it happened.

I will continue to taste the word brave on my tongue and try and use it to wash the sound of Max out of my mouth.

I will continue to try and name of the color of this flood, but it does not feel colorful, it does not feel rainbow. It still looks clear when I wash my hands.

I am itching more lately, and I try not to think about being allergic to my body.

The water is clear when it washes over skin that I cannot tell is mine.

The water is clear still.

I turn the faucet off. And I dry my hands. I have remembered these steps, in the end.

The water was clear, still.

And I am in love, still.

And I am love, still.

And I try to think of how all these things can exist at once.

And I land on the answer.

I am in multiple places at once.

I refuse not to call this a superpower.

I have decided to title this poem This Poem Is a Real Male Bathroom, For Real Men™️ Only.

And I want the guy whose penis I did not look at in that bathroom, to know,

That this poem is not for him.

Because I was the only real man in that room.

#tal asks #quiz mention #tal writes #okay to rb #your-url-is-problematic

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msiopao · 4 years

Text

The One Where the Moon Became a Witness

pairing: sera x jeno

summary: in the middle of a blackout and dead phones, they danced to the music from her box in the dark with light from the moon streaming in through the window

for christmas, the members all respectively went to their homes with Renjun and Chenle going back to China and the rest to their families, but 2 remain. The parents of the two decided to take vacations without their children since they were told to warn their families that they might not make it back home for the holidays. But it was proven wrong as they were free and now, had no family to go to.

One was in a cruise while the other was in a vacation to make up for a previously cancelled anniversary trip.

Refusing the other members’ wish to stay with them, they slightly regretted the decision at the empty dorm and the silence that filled every crevice.

Sera sat on the couch with Haikyuu playing in the TV but she was barely paying attention, instead focusing on her phone with her fingers typing rapidly and her brows furrowed together. Her brothers were all in college and they too, were without their parents. At least, they had each other and met up in New York.

...

elliot: why couldn’t you just have taken a plane here

mika: its only 15 hours

sera: ‘iTs oNLy 15 hOUrS’

sera: fool get off crack

elias: we dont want you here anyways 😤

sera: i will actually fite your face

atticus: its literally christmas eve

atticus: would it kill you to be nice for a few days

sera: hmm,,, suddenly mom appeared in the chat

mika: can you video later

mika: we usually celebrate the first few hours of christmas together

elliot: we wouldnt need to do that if finny was here

sera: lit rally just say you miss me

elliot: yall hear sum

elias: SLDKFJAELLIOT

sera: that unfair

sera: i dont have a twin to clown you with

elliot: god has his favorites and its obviously not you

mika: stop arguing

mika: its annoying having to swipe up when i just want to play my game

sera: jeez, mik, why you so pissy for

atticus: elias used up all the hot water

sera: imagine being pissy for taking a cold shower

sera: you shouldnt be unfamiliar with it since you used to take one every morning right, brother mikhail sir?

elias: KSDFJ;ASDKLGHKLDSFJIMSCREAMING

elliot: GET REKT HYUNG

mika: GOD SERAFINA SHUT UP

atticus: one christmas

atticus: one peaceful christmas was what i want

...

jeno noticed her soft smile and he approached her, holding 2 mugs full of hot chocolate and marshmallows topped with whipped cream. Exactly how she liked it. A giggle escaped from her and she turned to look at him as she felt the cushion beside her sink due to the weight placed on it. She smiled gratefully at him and moved to hold her cup so he could safely hold his.

“Do you miss them?” He asked, noticing the name of her oldest brother’s name pop up.

With a wistful look, she nodded and blew on the hot liquid. “Yeah. Even though I want to see them, we only have 3 days of break so its not worth flying back and forth.”

Jeno wrapped an arm around her shoulder, gently pulling her close. His eyes trained on the ball that flew around the court in the show and he felt her laugh when the orange-haired boy missed the ball.

“Ah, no!” She whined with a laugh at the face of the boy.

Continuing to watch the banter between 2 characters, they grew silent as they became focused and interested at the show and the speech that a character was giving. She soaked in every word since it reminded her and Dream but then it went blank.

Everything went dark and the soft glow from the street light came through the window beside the TV to give them a way to see things a little bit clearer. Jeno felt her tense form and with the help of the slight light, he gently pried the cup off of her hands and placed both of their mugs on the coffee table in front of the couch.

“Ah, we have a blackout,” Jeno said. Sera nodded and she moved to turn on the flashlight from her phone only for it to blink ‘1%’ in red.

Cursing at the worst timing, she turned it off and placed it to the side since it was no use anymore. “Jeno, can we use your phone?”

With a sheepish look, he sent her a lop-sided smile. “You see, I played my game too much and I just plugged it in earlier. It might not have a lot of charge in it. I can go get it?”

“Oh, it’s okay. We just need it to tell the boys we have a blackout and in case they need to get ahold of us,” she reasoned as he stood up to get it from his room and coming back with it on hand.

They sat in silence, even the sound of birds disappeared and was replaced with eerie quietness which was very unfamiliar to the dorm. This might be the first time the walls heard such silence after they moved in.

“The light is hurting my eyes,” Jeno mumbled before taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes.

“Do you want to go in my room? My string lights are battery operated so it’s not turned off. It’s very bright,” she suggested. He nodded and they padded over to her room at the end of the hall.

Jeno has been in her room millions of times so it wasn’t unfamiliar territory and he even noticed his hoodie hanging on her chair.

“There it is!” He pointed at the missing material he was just looking for a few days ago.

Sera smiled guiltily and placed her hands up. “Sorry,” she apologized.

“Nah, it’s okay. I just thought I lost it. You can keep it,” he reassured before jumping on her bed. “It’s so not fair you got a soft bed.”

She rolled her eyes before climbing on it beside him. “What are you talking about? Jaemin has the softest. This isn’t that comfortable.”

Jeno turned his head to look at her and his ears turned red as admired the way the bright lights against the wall illuminated her face and made her eyes brighter than they usually were. It almost made it look like she was glowing.

Sera noticed his stare and looked at him curiously. “Hm? Something on my face?”

He snapped out of it and his smile reached his eyes, turning it to crescents. “No. I just like the lights.”

For a 30 minutes, they just talked about absolute nonsense and old memories to past time since they couldn’t use his phone for entertainment. Then the string up lights flickered slightly that went unnoticed by the two.

“God, Chenle almost killed Renjun. Thank god you were able to hold him back,” Sera laughed at the memory.

Jeno shook his head with a smile when he remembered the unpleasant time that Renjun spilled a little bit of paint on his apple watch. “Honestly, he could’ve just gotten a new one. It didn’t help that you pointed it out in the first place.”

“Yah, if I didn’t, Jisung would’ve. There was a big blob of blue in the screen of his watch. Who wouldn’t notice that?” She defended and tightened her hold of his middle.

“Okay, okay,” he chuckled and was about to say something when for the second time that day, they were covered in darkness again.

“Really, God absolutely hates me right now,” she muttered harshly. “Chenle took all of that good luck with him. I told him to leave that jade bracelet here.”

Jeno knew about her slight fear of the dark because she slept with the lights on everyday and it’s been probably a while since she changed the batteries.

“You stay here while I go get some batteries and a flashli-”

“No, don’t leave me.” She stopped him from sitting up with a hand on his arm.

Jeno saw her slight wide eyes and nodded before laying back down. His brain racked up ways to comfort and keep her entertained but he came blank. Turning his head to the side, he looked around her room with blurry eyes and he found the small box that she had on top of her dresser.

“I have an idea,” he said. “But I need to get up, love. Will you let me go get it?”

She nodded and he smiled softly before standing up and crossing the room to grab the circular object. Sera sat up and saw the familiar outline of her great-grandmother’s music box that was given to her right before she died.

Jeno gently wound the box and opened the lid, hearing the soft melody of an unknown song and watching the dancing of the 2 figures. He placed it on her nightstand and he held his hand out to her.

“May I have this dance, m’lady?” He asked. Sera wasn’t able to answer properly since the moon hit behind him so perfectly that it looked like he was an angel and she still cannot believe someone as gorgeous and perfect like Jeno was her best friend.

“I-Um,, Yes.”

In their pajamas and socks, the two people danced slowly, moving side to side. Their eyes were closed as they slowly got lost into their own world. The soft music from the box filled the room and she could feel his heartbeat as her head rested on his chest and her arms were loosely around his neck. Jeno’s hold of her waist tightened when she moved closer to his warm form.

“Thanks, Jen.” Her gratitude made a smile appear in his face and he kissed the top of her head.

“I can feel your heartbeat,” she mumbled against the cloth.

“Hm? Can you really?” He asked, smile growing wide.

“Yea,” she answered. “Hey, Jen?”

“Hm?”

“I love your smile the most.”

The declaration took him aback. “W-Well, thanks?”

Sera smiled at his awkward stutter and continued on. “It reminds me of the moon. When you smile, it just lights up everything else. Like the moon in the sky. It gives purpose and comfort that there is light in the midst of darkness. And your eyes. They scrunch up like moon crescents. That’s my favorite hour of the moon.”

“I love your smile, too.” He giggled and there was something different in the atmosphere.

She opened her eyes and saw the digital clock flash a red ‘12:05′. “Look, it’s Christmas.”

Jeno moved his head and he swears he could see faint snowflakes. “Oh? It is.”

“I guess I got my wish then,” she hummed happily.

“What?”

“I wanted God to let me spend Christmas with someone I love,” she revealed and looked up to meet his eyes. “It wasn’t just a coincidence that you happened to have to stay here too.”

He brushed away strands of her hair that rested on her face before patting her hair. “Stuff happens for a reason.”

“When I came to Korea, you and Jaemin were the only ones I had. But now, I have 18 people with me. I’m very thankful for everything but I think meeting you is the one I’m most thankful for.”

The confession might’ve been spawned as she got more tired and sleepy but he thinks that she’s probably wanted to say that for a while.

“I’m here for you, Sera. I’ve been here from the start and I’ll be here till the end.” Jeno reassured and she hugged him tighter with a content sigh.

His promise is only heard by the 4 walls of her room and remembered by the two of them but it signifies a new beginning and the creation of a deeper bond and the only witness was the moon.

And it thought this was beautiful.

a/n: this was lowkey cute but it didnt turn out the way i wanted it to :(

#nct dream #nct #nct 22nd member #nct dream 8th member #nct au #nct dream imagines #nct dream imagine #nct dream scenarios #nct dream scenario #nct dream 8th member au #8th member of nct dream #nct 22nd member au #22nd member of nct #nct dream female member #nct female member #nct female addition #nct dream female addition

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drawingdullahan · 4 years

Note

*Chants in the distance* bring back sky pirates bring back sky pirates... (You intrigued me by reminding me of the wonderful awful dynamic that was Ash and Elliott hating each other. Captains!Elliot and Ash bickering or real talk time would be a joy to read. Extra points for Casey someone charging in to break it.)

bro i hope this was good. Ash is one of my fav characters of yours and pining that vibe i get from her was hard

I love her dynamic with Elliott though, easily a favorite duo

----------------

Elliott wondered how they had ended up in this mess in the first place. Not just two hours ago he was sitting pleasantly on his ship, getting some much needed sleep, and now he was sitting on the sand filled edge of an island he couldn’t even find on the map.

Looking around and below did nothing for him. There were no indications of any floating ports nearby, or even other islands at that. The whole situation set his nerves over the edge. Not only were they behind schedule now, far more than they had been, they were lost.

To make matters even worse than their current situation, they had hit another ship which was the reason that they were stranded. It was none other than the Leviathan, a group of god awful pirates that he had squared off against innumerable times.

“I’m guessing your crew fell asleep when they were supposed to be manning the ship?” He scoffed at the other captain, Ashmedai.

“You should have your own crew checked before you start tossing insults at mine,” she scowled at him, though shot a harsh glance at Reedus who promptly stopped whistling. The blond sent a smile and a wave, then walked off.

“You know my crew is the best there is, and I know that your motley gang of miscreants is more likely to slack off on the job than any of my crew members,” Elliott felt his anger boiling.

“Whoa hey simmer down, Boss,” Casey put a hand on Elliott’s shoulder.

Griff stepped up to Ash and did the same, “No use in fightin’, we’re all in the same boat- er… well I guess we’re all stuck on the same damn island is what I should say. There’s no use kickin’ each other’s asses. That’s not gonna fix anything.”

Casey nodded in agreement, “He’s right.”

“I know he’s right,” he sighed and too her hand off of his shoulder.

“Sooo… you should take a bit of time to make up and talk things out. Griff and I will run the fort while yall get things sorted,” Casey said quickly before bolting with a very confused Griff in tow.

Elliott took a minute to calm his nerves. He knew he got a bit on edge rather easily compared to most, it wasn’t good for the morale of his crew. His schedule had held a bit of importance to him which was why he had been this ticked to begin with, but an unforeseen collision was hardly anyone’s fault, especially with the tailwinds they had the night before.

“I want to call a truce while we’re here. I was out of line to say the things I did,” he held out a gloved hand towards the taller woman.

Ash took it with an amused look, “Likewise. Somethin’ biting you in the ass more than usual?”

Elliott almost glared at that but sighed because he knew she didn’t mean it in an insulting way. Though he supposed she might’ve, he couldn’t be sure. He wasn’t the best at reading people.

“I had an important letter to send out at the next port,” he said, sitting down on the sand.

“Oh? Is it to the friend you mentioned before?” she sat down as well.

“Yes, it is,” he took a deep breath, “I don’t know if he’s changed over the years. He plans to show up to a port to say hi soon. So, enough about me, do you have any friends like that? Your crew right, since they’re family?”

“Yeah, my crew is family, but I get what you mean. I used to have a friend, they changed a lot though,” Ash said with a bittersweet look of anger.

Elliott could tell that wasn’t a very good topic and filed that away for a conversation to hold at a later date.

“You consider that blond rat of a man on your boat family?” Elliott chuckled and did his best to lighten the mood as he did with his crew members sometimes.

“Reedus?” she waved it off with a laugh of her own, “Estranged at best. I keep him in line though.”

“I feel the same of Reshmil. A tough girl to figure out most days,” he sighed.

“I can believe it.”

“Seems being captain comes with its troubles no?” Elliott smiled to her, forgetting his earlier worries for just a moment. There really was no use being angry in this situation.

“Let’s contemplate it over a bottle, yeah?” she stood and ran over to the salvaged crates from the ship.

Elliott followed with a relieved sigh, though he felt a certain curiosity at the subject from before. A friend of hers? Not anymore, he presumed from the way she had spoken. Perhaps he could ask her over a glass.

#my oc #friends oc #ashmedai oc #elliott oc #griff oc #casey oc #reedus oc #sky pirates au #dagger writes #long post #request #dagger's drabbles #asks

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trivia-bangtan · 7 years

Text

MY TURBULENCE IN LA EXPERIENCE

So, initially I don't live in Cali. I live in Colorado. But guess what YA GIRL MANAGED TO TALK HER DAD INTO LETTING HER GO AND LETTING HER GET HI TOUCH TICKETS. So anyway, me and my friend got to the venue at like 11 and we got into the wristband line and waited til 12. It was sort of delayed so around 1-ish they started giving out the wristbands and then from there iGOT7's were free to roam until doors opened. My friend and I managed to find a door and they were doing soundcheck and whatnot and we were just hanging out. Then some girls came and they hung out with us and we listened to soundcheck. Then when we heard Mark (we think) speak through the mic I STG we all lost it and by then there had been 7-10 girls and WE ACTUALLY STOPPED THE SOUNDCHECK BC WE WERE SO LOUD. So we left and then one of the girls who was older than my friend and I said we should eat lightly before we went to the event. We had four hours so we said yeah and we found a really cheap sushi spot in Pasadena called Sushi Stop and YAAASSSS. So by the time we were done eating it was already like 3 and so the older girl said since we never tried boba, she would take my friend in an Uber to go get some while I asked about my camera (since the girl, her name was Marion, said that professional cameras weren't allowed in the Departure tour). So I went back to the venue and one member said no but two others said it didn't matter so I didn't bother using it. Then the talented LA iGOT7's who are so creative we're handing out fansigns and gifts and it was s'cute. Then at around 5:30-ish, fans were starting to crowd around the doors so naturally my friend and I stood with Marion and waited. Then we seen someone peek their head out of the window to record us (I could've sworn it was Jackson bc of the case but the person had blonde hair so it might've been BamBam but idk) and then iGOT7's chanted each members name and even Papa Tuan's name. Some even shouted CoCo ??? 😂😂 Then right at six the doors opened and everyone rushed in and was given a raffle ticket. My friend and I were Orch C, Row L and we got right dead ass center of the stage and we're probably 20 ft away which shocked me bc I thought it would've been farther. But I'm glad it was close. Then we waited for a bit and 30 minutes into letting us all in, Papa Tuan, Mama Tuan and the whole gang came in and everyone went nuts. People got up to take pictures and ask for high fives and they talked to him and he was so calm and happy about it all. He was so sweet. Then security came and made everyone sit down and clear the aisles. Then the show began and a little intro vid played and they came out and sang Let Me and I forgot what else but then they left and the host and translator came out and introduced themselves and then they had the boys come back out and they started the Q&A session. Jackson picked the "WHATS your ideal type?" question and YUGYEOM said sexy and cute iGOT7's. BamBam said someone who's cute and sexy for him (I think. It was so loud I couldn't really hear.) Jaebum said he didn't have a type. Then it went to Jinyoung (who looked like a damn prince I stg) and he had the question "What was your impression of everyone?" and he said that he thought Mark was really tan and that Jaebum (when they met 7 years ago) was really quiet and now he's not as quiet and that BamBam was short. He showed Bam's height at his chest level and then Jackson had to come in and torcher Bam saying he was at the ground height. Then Jinyoung said he thought Youngjae was cute and that he thought Yugyeom was older since Yugyeom was so tall. Then Mark picked two questions. I can't remember one of them but I know that one of them was "Which dance move do you like to see?" And Mark ofc said Yugyeom's sexy dance to which Jackson had the crowd chant his name and Yugyeom got up and SLAYED the dance (as per usual.) Then, it was Jaebum's turn and I forgot his question too (tbh so much was happening that I was trying to focus on sm.) Then Youngjae had a question to someone (I think it was Jaebum) that asked him what he does to write his lyrics. And Jaebum says he reads and watches movies (BamBam asked what kind of movies 👀) but I know he said he watched La La Land and cried which was cute. BamBam was next and his question was "Can you dance to JuJu on the Beat?" And him and Yugyeom got up and danced to a bit of it. Then Yugyeom asked his question (I forgot it too. I think it had something to do with Jaebum and why he likes R&B music but I'm not too sure.) Then the Q&A session was over and they performed Boom x3 and Just Right I think and then it was time for fan games and Guess The Song. So the boys picked some fans and they played Guess The Song first and the penalty was that if they got the song wrong they had to squat five times and flap their arms (in their case hands idk????) like a baby bird and literally Mark, BamBam and Jinyoung tried to cheat and use the fans as resources while Youngjae was steady slaying the game. In the end Youngjae won by like 5 and BamBam had 1 and I think Mark had 1 too. Then Mark, Yugyeom, BamBam, Jackson, Jaebum and Jinyoung played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would do the penalty. And ofc, Jackson, Jinyoung and Mark won while BamBam, JB and Yugyeom had to suck helium out of the ballon and do their parts. Jaebum did his part and sang some of La La Land (I think) and then BamBam did his part and then proceeded to say he sounded like Silentó and whipped and nae nae'd like nobodies business. Yugyeom sang his part BUT I KID YOU NOT THE BOY SOUNDED THE SAME AS NORMAL AND I DIED A LITTLE. (keep in mind the order they played the games might be incorrect) Then they brought the fans on stage and they introduced them. BamBam's partner was older then BamBam and BamBam was like "oh noona." And he did aegyo for her. Then JAEBUM introduced his partner but he couldn't understand her name so the fan made kitten claws (cause her came was Cat/Kat) and JAEBUM copied her 😂😂 Then Mark introduced his partner and BamBam pointed at her shoes (cause they were light ups like mine) and said "She's lit." 🙃🙃 then JINYOUNG introduced his partner and whispered in her ear and I assume he said to say MayDay was her favorite song (because then after he asked her what her favorite song was and she said MayDay). Then Jinyoung said "we're a great team." Then Jackson introduced his partner who was from China and her fave song was Boom x3 and then Jackson said "And her favorite member is Jinyoung." The Jinyoung tried to shake the fans hand and Jackson wasn't having it and then Jinyoung tried to protect his fan. Then Youngjae and his partner went up and they got like five and then it was Jaebum and his partners turn and they got two I think and the BamBam and his noona went up and he was like "I'll let my queen go first." And then they got four I think. Then Yugyeom and his partner went up and he accidentally kicked the hacky sack in her chest, by her heart and she pretended to faint (A+ for that fan who played along!!) and then Yugyeom helped her up and they got like two or three points and then Jinyoung went up and his partner hit three times on her first try and then Jinyoung hit it eleven times and his partner hit three more times and they ended at fifteen. Then Mark went up and his partner hit it once or twice and then Mark hit it up to like fourteen. And then the fan hit it like four times and they were in the lead and Mark was so happy he picked his partner up and spun her and I fired a little at his excitement. Then Jackson went up and him and his partner ended up with three or four points. And then the winning fan (Mark's partner) got some gifts and the winning hackey sack and then BamBam pointed out her sweater that said Jackson and he was like "Next time you should wear a different sweater." Then Jackson escorted her offstage. Then I think they showed some behind the scenes of hard carry while the boys got ready to perform If You Do and then they did their speeches. They all pretty much said that they loved LA and that they have some stuff coming up. Youngjae said LA was like a second home and then pointed out that Elliot Yamin was there and that his song was the reason that he passed the JYP auditions and then sang "I'll Wait For You". Then Mark talked about how he's grateful for the fans and that he's happy that iGOT's allow him to come home and see his family and he choked back tears and so did I bc I looked back at Papa Tuan (who was four rows behind me) and he and Mama Tuan were holding Mark signs. Then Jinyoung gave his English speech and talked about how happy he was and that LA was wonderful. Then Jackson, slay me, gave a speech about this year that you should live up to your life and there will always be people who try to bring you down but live your life how you want. YAS JACKSON YAS. Then it was time for the final song and BamBam was like "Can you guys guess what song is next?" and everyone said Hard Carry and he laughed and was like "Why not Girls Girls Girls?" and I was like Bammie please, that was a rough era for y'all. Can we not?????? But they performed Hard Carry confetti came out and then they left and the host and translator thanked us for the night and they brought the boys back out to perform their encore (Home Run) and everyone ran up. Like it was supposed to be just P1 but loads of fans pushed through security so they just left and I was like "okay???" And ran up and I was like soooo close. Like close enough to see Jackson sweating. But y'all my voice was gone and I couldn't scream so I just waved my sign (It was a Markson sign) and Mark stared at it and walked away and I was like 👀🤘🏻. Then they left again and we returned to our seats and then once people who didn't have wristbands left, they started the group photos and then once that was done it was hi-touch time. YALL LEMME TELL YOU. I WAS LOOKING BUMMY BC I DIDNT BRING A STRAIGHTNER AND MY HAIR IS REALLT CURLY SO DURING THE PERFORMANCE AND SUCH MY HAIR FRIZZED UP SO I THREW IT UP IN A BUN AND I HAD A JB SWEATER ON AND A JAEBUM NAME PIN ON AND I HAD LIGHT UP SHOES LIKE ONE YUGYEOM WORE ON HIT THE STAGE AND I LOOKED LIKE CRAP TO SUMMARIZE. So anyway, security was strict and they kept telling us that if they caught us recording they wouldn't let us do the hi-touch. Then, some fans tried to sneak back in line to hi-touch again but they got caught and the even was delayed for like five minutes before it started up again. I was gonna wait to be last but then decided against it and I seen Papa Tuan on my way to the line and I waved at him and he smiled and waved back and then I was like "Can I give you a high five?" and he smiled and laughed and gave me a high five and I thanked him and left and got in line. The line was moving sooo fast and I almost passed out. Like I was really nervous. My whole plan was to like, dab with Bam and make either Youngjae or Jackson laugh. So my friend went first and I went up the steps and I was waiting for security to give me the go and I was literally freaking out saying "oh my god" fifty times nonstop and I was jumping around nervously and Jaebum and Jackson noticed me and laughed a little bit. Then I went up to Jackson and looked him in the eyes and was like "Hi Jackson oh my gosh I love you." And he said "Thank you. I love you too." (So that goal was done lol.) Then I went to Jaebum and I was originally gonna call him JB but ended up saying his real name funny so I said "JAEBUM, I love you so much." And he looked down at the pin I had and laughed and smiled at me real brightly and said "Thank you. I love you too." (YALL MY BIAS SMILED AND LAUGHED AT ME LIEK AGDKSLANDB) and then it was Youngjae so in my head I thought JFC he's so cuteee. So I stuttered a little bit on his name and almost called him Yugyeom (bc Yugyeom was close by) and I was like "Yu-Yu-Youngjae! You're such a sunshine!!" And he giggled and told me thank you and the security guard was like "keep it moving." So I rushed to Yugyeom and stared at his face and was like "Hit The Stage I love you so much!" And he smiled hard and was like "I love you too!" And then I seen BamBam and at this point everything I wanted to ask him left my head bc we made eye contact and I ended up staring at his chest and said "I love you BamBam " and he shook my hand and smiled and then I looked at Mark and I stg that boy looked mighty fine 👀👀 I told him "Oh my god... Mark you're soo handsome." And he started smiling and said "Thank you." And then my friend before LOWKEY yelled at Jinyoung on accident and was like "JINYOUNG I LOVE YOU." and his eyes widened so much and he waved her off and watched her leave and he turned to me and I looked him dead in the eyes and said "I love you so much Jinyoung, you're such a prince." And he smiled and he HELD MY HAND LIKE DAMN I THIUGHT WE WERE GONNA INTERLOCK FINGERS HE HELD IT SO TIGHT and he said "Thank you. I love you too." And I walked off after that and I turned to Jinyoung and was like "Bye Jinyoung." And we waved to me and said bye like I think the girl who was a space behind me didn't get much Jinyoung AND IM SORRY FOR THAt. But then me and my friend waited outside and then we heard cheering on the opposite side of the building and ran there and we caught BamBam and Jackson getting into the car and Mark left and I was gonna follow him but then realized he might've been leaving with family so I stopped. then they cleared the way for the boys to get through and they had to stop at a point and I waved to Jackson and I seen BamBam and dabbed and he pointed at me and waved to all of us after and I cried inside. And that's it. My Turbulence in LA experience. I might upload some vids I got but like I said I didn't wanna take very many pictures and videos because I wanted to remember it through my own eyes and not the eyes of my camera.

#turbulence in la #got7 #jackson #jaebum #mark tuan #bambam #yugyeom #jinyoung #youngjae #i can't believe I called Yugyeom hit the stage #what is wrong with me

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iamknicole · 3 years

Text

Familiar Face (2)

SVU Fic

Olivia sat at her desk responding to a text she'd gotten from Elliot. Over the past two weeks the two had begun catching up when work didn't interfere. It felt like old times but so much better than eleven years ago.

"Knock, knock."

Looking up from her phone, Olivia pulled her glasses off and squinted as she got up. "I'm sorry. Can I help you?"

"Sorry for just walking in, I had been knocking for a few minutes and you didn't answer. I'm Bianca Barnes but everyone calls me Peach."

At a loss for words, Olivia stared at the woman looking back at her. "Okay and you're here because?"

"Deputy Chief Garland didn't tell you I was coming? I'm your new detective."

Olivia offered her a smile, "No, he didn't but I'm glad you're here. We've been short a detective. Where did you transfer from, Bianca?"

"Please call me Peach. My mama is the only one who calls me by my first name. But I just came from homicide and before that vice. Now I'm here."

"Are you sure special victims is where you want to be? Sounds like you might be more comfortable in violent crimes. The captain and I are friends, I can get you over there." Olivia suggested.

Peach shook her head smiling. "Nope, this is where I wanna be. One of my old partners is actually over in violent crimes, he just transferred there last week."

Olivia nodded blowing out some air. "Well then welcome to special victims. Let's go introduce you to everybody." Peach followed her out of the office to the squad room still smiling. She waited for Olivia to gather their attention. "Alright so we're no longer down a detective. This is Detective Bianca Parks."

"Hey, yall. Yall can just call me Peach. Everybody does."

"Sorry, I forgot," Olivia chuckled, "Peach, this is Detective Rollins and Officer Tamin but everyone calls her Kat. And that's Sargeant Fin Tuttuola but we just call him Fin."

Peach waved, "I know Kat already. But nice to meet you all."

Olivia looked between the women. "How do you two know each other?"

Kat spoke up smiling, "She moved up here when we were in high school I was her first friend. We lived in the same building."

"Yeah and we were in vice together for a little while," Peach added.

"Okay then well you have a familiar face and you won't mind being partners," Olivia said with a small smile, "Fin, it's your lucky day. You get your partner back."

Fin smiled proudly, "I like you already, Peach."

When Olivia went back to her office, Kat showed her friend to her desk and sat on the edge of it. The two of them talked until Rollins cleared her throat.

"What's up, Amanda?" Kat asked laughing.

"You're hogging the newbie, maybe me and Fin wanna get to know her too."

Kat put her hands up still laughing. "My bad, go head. Ask away."

"Why the name Peach?" Fin asked when Amanda didn't say anything. "Where'd that come from?"

"I moved up here from Georgia when I was teenager, had much more of an accent than I do now so everybody stated calling me that," she shrugged.

"That and she can put anybody on their ass within five seconds if they mess with her," Kat added ignoring her friend's playfully stare.

Amanda chuckled, "As little and cute as you are, you don't look like you'd hurt a fly, newbie."

Peach shrugged, "Yeah a lot of people think that until they put their hands on me. Just because I'm little don't undestimate me."

"Always the little ones you gotta look out for," Fin joked, "What part of Georgia are you from? Rollins is from Georgia too."

"Oh that's the accent I hear," she laughed, "I knew it was southern but I didn't think it was Georgia. I'm from Savannah. What part are you from, Amanda?"

"Cummings. A lot of people don't know where it is so it's just easier to say Atlanta."

Peach gave her a friendly smile, "I know exactly where that is. Might as well say it's Atlanta, it's like thirty minutes from it."

While they continued to talk and get to know their new detective, Olivia sat on the phone with Elliot. He called her discuss dinner plans, trying to figure out what Noah would like so he could make reservations.

"I'm sorry to interrupt you but did you get a new detective last week?" Olivia asked holding the phone to her ear and looking out her window at her detectives.

"I did. How'd you know?"

"Well I got a new detective today, I offered to get her in with you cause I thought she'd be a better fit there and she declined. She mentioned that an old partner transferred there."

Elliott chuckled. "And you wanna know who it is or you wanna know what I think about them? Is that it?"

"You know me so well. Both."

"His name is Amaro, Nick Amaro. He's a good guy, got a bit of a temper from what I glanced at in his jacket," Elliot explained with a hint of laughter, "But I like em. Reminds me of myself. Smart too."

"Amaro?"

"Yeah, Amaro. What's wrong?"

"This is how I know you didn't read his jacket," she laughed, "He was here a year or so ago. He was my partner after you."

"Did you like him?"

"Yeah, he's good at his job. He just let's his temper get ahead of him sometimes."

"I'll keep that in mind. So Italian tonight?"

Olivia started to answer but there was a knock at the door followed by Rollins poking her head in the door. "Yeah, Amanda?"

"Got a call from Mercy, they need us. Me and Fin can take it."

"Hold on, El," Olivia said into the phone, "Ummm, no. Let Kat and Peach take this one. You need to finish that paperwork, remember?"

Rollins nodded bowing out of the office going back to the desks, sitting back down at hers. "Alright newbie, you're up. Cap said for you and Kat to take this one."

"No problem with me. Let's go, Kat," Peach said enthusiastically getting up and putting her peacoat on, "Oh and Amanda?"

"Yeah?"

"Its Peach, not newbie." She corrected with a smile then followed Kat out.

The partners rode and talked on their way to the hospital. When they got inside, to the correct floor they went up to the nurses station. Both flashed their badges.

"Got a call. You guys need svu?" Kat asked politely.

The nurse nodded then came around the desk. "Some girls came in here with their friend a little while ago, said the girl passed out after complaining about abdominal pain."

"You suspect abuse?"

The nurse flagged the doctor down that was passing by, "She can explain it to you."

The doctor came over shaking their hands. "Dr. Barnes. I did an exam on her, her name is Alexandra James, she's 14. I found scarring, some old some new. And she was almost 12 weeks pregnant. The pain she was having was a miscarriage. There were traces of misoprostol in her blood. I talked to her friends, they're 14 and act like they have no idea what's going on. But they did say she hadn't taken any medicine at all."

"But you think otherwise? Isn't that a miscarriage drug?" Peach asked writing in her small notepad.

"Yes, it is. They're off. She should be awake now if you wanna talk to her," Dr. Barnes suggested, "Her friends are in with her. Waiting on her parents.

The detectives followed the doctor to the girl's room. The friends were huddled around her bed talking in hushed voices.

Dr. Barnes cleared her throat, "Girls, there are some detectives that want to speak with you."

"Girls, I'm Kat from special victims, why don't you three come with me to waiting room so we can talk? Give your friend some privacy."

Once they left the room, Peach pulled a chair up to the side of her bed a warm smile on her face. "Your name is Alexandra, right?"

The young girl nodded.

"My name is Peach, I'm a detective from special victims. I want you to tell me what you remember leading up to walking up here."

She said quietly before recounting her leaving her friend's house to go to the park, getting ice cream, walking back to her friends house but that was it.

"Did you eat anything else today? Something that might have tasted funny?"

She shrugged, "Nothing tasted funny. We had some pizza earlier, that was it besides breakfast at home this morning."

Peach nodded giving her full attention to the young girl. "And where did the pizza come from?"

"My friend, Whitney, her older brother, Stevie, works at a pizza place and he brought it for us."

"Okay. Did you know you were pregnant, Alexandria?"

She looked horrified, "No...I wasn't."

"You were almost 12 weeks, that's where the pain you were having came from. You had a miscarriage, if you didn't take it then someone have you drugs to bring it on. They found it on your lab work." Peach paused to search her face for a reaction. "When the doctor examined you, she said there was some scarring. So whoever the father was, has been around for a little while."

Alexandra turned away from her in the hospital bed. "I don't wanna talk about this. I want you to leave."

"I'm here to help you, sweetheart. To get whoever it is that's doing this to you to stop and put them in jail."

"Please just go," she cried.

Peach stood from her chair and slid one of Kat's cards onto the stand beside her hospital bed after she wrote her number on the back. "Listen, I'm gonna go but I left my number beside your bed. If you wanna talk, you call me. Doesn't matter what you wanna talk about or the time. Call me."

She waited a few minutes before leaving the room in search of her partner. She stopped Kat talking to, who she assumed to be the parents, and went to stand beside her, listening to them. Kat gave them her card before they walked away.

"Get anywhere with Alexandra?" Kat asked softly.

"Whoever it is, she knows them and she's terrified of them. What about you?"

"The doctor was right, something isn't right about the friends. I don't know what but they're hiding something."

"And the parents?"

Kat whistled, "Pissed is an understatement. Especially the dad. They wanted to know who but of course, we don't have that. Have their address so we could come talk to her again when she gets out."

"Well while we wait, let's go do some digging."

"Where to?"

"The pizza place the friend's brother works at."

-------

Olivia left the office early leaving Fin in charge so she could pick Noah up and meet Elliot for dinner. When they got to the restaurant, Elliot was already at the table waiting for them. He stood to get them.

"Hey, Liv. Noah," he smiled, "Thought you two stood me up."

"Mom had to go back home and change her shoes." Noah explained hugging the older man.

Elliot chuckled a little and helped Olivia into her seat before sitting back down. "Well I'm just glad you're here. How was your day, Liv?"

"It wasn't as hectic as its been since we're not short handed anymore. Yours," she asked looking over the menu.

"It was alright. We're all still getting used to each other but no fighting or yelling so I'm happy."

Olivia glanced up at him briefly a smile on her face, "And Amaro?"

"Pretty good. I can tell he's spent time with you in interrogation."

"He stealing my moves? Is that what you're saying?" She laughed.

Elliot laughed nodding his head. "That's exactly what I'm saying. But it's not a bad thing. He got the confession. How's your new detective?"

"Good to hear. Peach is good. She's probably the shortest detective I've ever seen and so bubbly. I wasn't sure how she'd fit so I called her previous commanding officers."

"And? What'd they say?"

"Gave her nothing but praise. Apparently she's very good at her job."

"Well that's a good thing then, you don't have anything to worry about." Elliot assured her. "See something that looks good, Noah?"

Noah nodded, "Yeah, I wanna get spaghetti with meatballs."

"Sounds good. Think I'm gonna get a ribye with some fettuccine alfredo on the side."

Noah nodded and turned to his mom, "What are you gonna get?"

"Hmmm...I am gonna get," she paused hearing her phone ring, "Looks like I'm getting my phone. One second, promise it won't take long." Getting her phone from her pocket, she saw it was Carisi and answered. "Yes, Carisi?"

"Sorry to bother you, Captain but Rollins never brought the paperwork and I need it for arraignment in the morning. I can't get ahold of her."

"Just go by the squad. She's probably still working on it and turned off her phone."

"Alright, headed there now."

"Okay and call me back if she's not there, Carisi." After hanging up her phone and putting it into her purse, she looked up to find both males staring at her. "I put it away. No more interruptions."

"Promise?" Noah asked.

"Promise, buddy."

Elliot smiled watching them. "Hey, why don't you go see if you can find us a waitress, buddy. I think we're ready."

Noah made sure it was okay with his mom then got up from the table in search of a waitress. Elliot stared intently at Olivia, a small smile on her face making her laugh nervously.

"Why are you staring at me, El?"

"How old did you say he was again?"

"He's ten."

"And adopted is it?"

Olivia nodded slowly, "Yeah, I've told you the story."

Elliot glanced to see Noah still looking around. "You told me the wrong story, you told me the story you told everyone else."

Olivia frowned, "I don't understand what you're getting at."

"He's coming now but you know what I'm talking about and we'll talk about it later."

Sitting back in her seat, Olivia's mind wondered through many thoughts and all the scenarios she had run in her head over the years. She wasn't sure if she was ready to bring that all out.

-----

Carisi walked into the precinct frowning and looking around. "Rollins, where is she?"

Peach looked up from her computer and got up smiling. She walked around her desk to approach him. "She's not here. Tell me what you need and maybe I can help you."

Carisi stared down at the little woman in front of him, "Uuuh ... you are?"

Peach held out her hand, "Detective Barnes but call me Peach. You?"

Carisi shook her hand managing a small smile through his frustration. "The new detective I take it, nice to meet you. Dominic Carisi, ADA. Call me Sonny."

"Okay so what do you need, Sonny?"

"I need the paperwork Rollins was supposed to finish but she's not here so," he explained throwing his hands up.

Peach went over to Rollins' desks and opened a few drawers, "Umm she mentioned leaving it in one of these drawers before she rushed out. Just gotta find the right one."

Carisi nodded going to lean against Fin's empty desk watching her. "Where's Fin and Kat?"

"Fin is gone for the day, he got bored. And Kat has a date so I volunteered to stay till 8." Peach explained still bent over looking in the drawers.

"Sounds like Fin. You close to getting outta here then?"

"Yep, I am," Peach stood up straight with the file in her hand, "Found it! Here you go."

Carisi met her halfway, letting out a sigh of relief. "I could kiss you, thank you. You just saved my ass in court."

Peach laughed, "Nicest new yorker I've ever met. I think a hug would suffice."

Carisi laughed looking down at her. "I take that as a compliment. How are you getting home?"

"Subway then I'm gonna walk the rest of the way. I didn't drive today, didn't expect to be out this late."

"Well since you helped me out, I'll help you out," Carisi smiled, "Come on, I'll take you home."

Peach shook her head going back to her desk. "You don't have to do that, I'm fine with the subway and walking."

"I can't in good conscience let you do that, it's late and dark. I don't mind. Come on."

"Really, Sonny, you don't have to. I'm fine."

Carisi stared at her smiling. "You're not gonna win this, I argue for a living. Grab your stuff and come on."

Laughing softly, Peach pulled her peacoat on then grabbed her purse and hat from her desk drawer. "Fine, fine, I'll let you take me home but before you do, I have a question."

"Okay, shoot."

"Its not cause I'm short and you think I can't protect myself. Right?"

"Right. It wouldn't matter if you were 6 feet tall, you're still a woman. I couldn't sleep knowing I let you go out there by yourself when I could've taken you home. That's it."

Nodding, Peach followed him out and they made small talk and she told him where she lived. As they were riding in his SUV, his phone rung and Rollins name popped up on his radio screen.

"Now she calls," he complained answering the phone, "Yeah, Rollins?"

"Hey, sorry I missed your call. What's up?"

"What's up?" He repeated sarcastically, "Did you forget about the paperwork i needed from you?"

"Oh shoot, Carisi. I'm sorry. But I did finish it, it's in my desk, I'll bring it in the morning."

"No need, Rollins. I've got it."

Rollins let out a sigh of relief, "Oh thank God. I'm sorry you had to go all the way to the precinct and then go through my junk drawers."

"No need for that, I didn't look for it. Peach got it for me."

"Oh well good then. You got plans tonight?"

Carisi looked over at Peach, who smiled at him, then back to the road. "Kinda yeah. What do you need?"

"Just wanted to see if you wanted to come over and make dinner for the girls."

"Nah, not tonight, Amanda. It would be close to ten by the time I got there."

She hummed in response. "What are you doing?"

"Giving Peach a ride home then I don't know but either way it would still be too late."

"Oh ... okay then. Get newbie home safe and call me out something when you get home, Carisi."

Hurrying to hang the phone up, he glanced over at Peach again. "You're not smiling anymore."

"Nope, I'm not."

"Why's that?"

"I told her earlier to stop calling me newbie and she's still doing it. Are you and her together? She didn't sound too happy about you taking me home."

He shook his head a small frown on his face. "No, never. She can't cook and she doesn't like to be there alone."

Peach nodded, "From the south and can't cook, that's a shame. What are your plans for tonight anyway?"

"Go through some paperwork, have some dinner and a beer. That's about it. You?'

"Depends on how Kat's date goes. If it goes good then catch up on my shows over dinner, if it goes bad then dinner and annoy her."

Thirty minutes later, Carisi pulled up to her building then killed his engine and took his seat belt off.

"Where you going?" She asked laughing.

"I'm walking you up. Come on."

"You don't have to do that, Sonny. This was enough."

"Aren't you southerners all about hospitality? Let me do this."

Peach laughed, "Fine. Since you're being hospitable come on and open my door."

"Yes ma'am," he chuckled getting out going to her side, open her door and helped her out, "After you."

#law and order svu fic #svu fic #Stabler & Olivia

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