#yamato stayed at least partially because of the respect and affection that he feels for kakashi

[panharmonium]

this didn’t make it into my thoughts recap, but...that last shot of the five troop commanders overlooking their battalions made my heart feel so heavy.  

i know it’s a victorious moment in the sense that “we’ve all come together as one and we’ve put our old differences aside in the face of a common enemy” but just...the whole time when shikamaru was explaining the five units i kept wondering ‘ok, where’s kakashi; why haven’t we seen him yet’ and then he steps out onto that platform and you realize the reason he’s not down there with the troops because he’s IN CHARGE of them, and honestly i just couldn’t feel anything in that moment but sadness.  

what’s happening right now is literally kakashi’s worst nightmare.  getting drafted into a second war?  his kids being drafted into a war, with one of them fighting on the opposite side?  this is every one of his worst fears come to life.  he wanted the next generation to be the one that escaped the kind of hell that consumed his own childhood, and now look where they are.  

how awful must it feel, to be standing up there in front of all the children he helped raise and know that they’re about to enter the kind of horrific landscape he prayed they would never have to experience?  to be thrust into a war for the second time in his life, and to this time be directly responsible for the lives of 20,000 people, when his role in the death of just one person during the last war still haunts him?

this is a nightmare.  this is literally kakashi’s definition of hell.  the conversation where he’s ordered into this position is him being asked to willingly re-enter the ugliest and most traumatic period of his life, and there’s not a thing he can do to avoid it.  of course, he doesn’t complain, and he never will, but the response “then i guess i can’t refuse” is worded in a very particular way.  it’s the same wording he gives when he’s about to be made hokage (yet another responsibility he didn’t ask for) - “i’m afraid that i don’t really have a choice.”  he won’t turn down these responsibilities, because people are relying on him to protect them, and he cares too much about his community to say no.  but these roles are ALWAYS things that are forced on him.  they’re situations where he “doesn’t really have a choice.”  they’re burdens he “can’t refuse.”  they’re not things he actually wants for himself.  

the last thing kakashi ever wanted to be was a wartime general.  and the last thing he ever wanted for his kids was for them to experience the kind of battlefield horrors that still keep him up at night.  so even though the shinobi world in general might be feeling triumphant at this moment, i really think that a large part of what kakashi feels while he’s up on that platform is dread for the future facing his children, and grief for the future he wanted them to have.  

#pan watches naruto #i got lost on the path of life #naruto #meta #it's like the universe just can't accept how he's managed to bounce back from every other thing it's done to him #'uh oh he's still healthy and well-adjusted. what can we do to really crush his spirit this time' #'i know. send him to war AGAIN. and this time send his kids.' #'you know. the ones he was raising to have the happy lives that he and his dead friends were never allowed to enjoy' #kakashi will never display a hint of struggle with this because that's just who he is but #putting him in charge of 20000 people during a second war because he's a rare survivor of the first one is just - #- literally the worst possible thing i can think of for this man's mental health #and on top of that #YAMATO is GONE #possibly dead as far as anybody knows #and apart from what that means for kakashi losing the support of someone who's been his closest partner for most of the story #there's also the fact that yamato was captured in the course of protecting naruto #and it's not like kakashi needs another thing to feel responsible for but #kakashi knows that yamato didn't just stay on in this gig because tsunade told him to #yamato stayed at least partially because of the respect and affection that he feels for kakashi #and now it's endangered him #moreover - i think there's an extra layer of grimness in the fact that kakashi's second war hasn't even started yet - #and already he's embroiled in another hostage situation #'that's what happens on a mission. the enemy takes a hostage and you're faced with an impossible choice' #i'm just...honestly i am exhausted for him already and the fighting hasn't even started yet.