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#yay obsessive Compulsive tendencies
coyotevallie · 11 months
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Talk 2 me abt ocd jedidiah and I will be your best friend 4ever and ever /nf
HEHEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHE YAY OKAY OKAY .... some more minor jedidiah ocd hc moments i think about daily because i could obviously talk about the whole oh his rituals are not all guaranteed to be 100% necessary bc hes an unreliable narrator blah blah "i need to do these things to keep my loved ones from dying" and "i cant say certain things or else ill hurt someone" are textbook ocd obsessions and compulsions blah blah . so have my more niche moments that i hc as being ocd symptoms
disclaimer yes i know some of these things overlap with either trauma responses or the very real pressure to keep sydney alive i know this ..... but these things can overlap with worsening ocd symptoms . xoxo
ive said this before . the shelled animal thing is a massive ocd moment . an extreme ocd moment . why does he have such a pathological fear of something thats harmless that he has to spend a presumably significant amount of his time researching them for his safety? suspicious . reads to me as an obsession w his phobia that he copes with through researching compulsively
ok this is talking very much about my own experience but the whole entire episode about jedidiah being extremely attached to objects that he prescribes INTENSE sentimental value to that he has breakdowns about losing reminds me a lot of how my own ocd hoarding tendencies present . not w the fruitfly because thats more just attachment, mainly the fact that he's extremely disgusted by the maggots and yet somehow cannot cope with losing them, his inability to let go of the stone that he didnt even really care about when he was playing with it, stuff like that . u could argue that this is just a trait specific to playing house but a: i wouldnt argue the maggots count under that and b: id say the way he behaves with clocks (having tons of them all over his room, leaving gears everywhere) and his journals (obsessing over them as if theyre real people to the degree of referring to them as being 'kidnapped') still leans into this even tho obviously this relates to his paranoia as well - theres a lot of overlap to me between jedidiahs trauma, jedidiahs ocd, and jedidiahs actual real rituals that he actually needs to do
this is again me projecting im just giving my little projectionesque thoughts here this is what u signed up for . but personally i often cope with ocd through coming up with a Different Contradictory obsessive belief that i am unable to shake to attempt to contradict my paranoia - thats what i hc hes doing when he does his whole "youre always fine" with sydney thing, often contradicting catostrophic ocd thinking with fantastical beliefs that everything automatically Will be okay can be a kinda unhealthy coping mech
i think abt him ten times a day . sorry this post is like 99% me talking abt hoarding lmao
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opens-up-4-nobody · 3 years
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gilmesc1 · 4 years
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Ranting to the Internet void part 2
Holy fuck I got 2 more followers. How the actual fuck.
Anyways moving on, I guess today I'm going to write about what happened today. Oh boyy.
So, guess who got diagnosed with another disorder! I swear I'm going to end up with the full fucking alphabet before long. DID, NPD, BPD, and now...OCD.
Lets be honest here. One of my system mates has OCD, and it makes him look ridiculous. He has to do things in twos, has this weird thing about cheese and has to keep things color coordinated.
This is how I came to my conclusion of OCD Is For Pussies. When I presented this thought to The Therapist, he wasted no time in saying, well then I have bad news.
Oh therapist. He enjoyed me calling myself a pussy. This happened as he told me I have OCD.
At first I was like no fucking way. I can eat cheese and shit, but then I was told to think about any compulsive rituals I do.
And that would be micromanaging things, mainly people. If I don't get that person there or move that one there I get this feeling. It feels like dread, but not dread. I don't care what it is. It's sickening. So I micromanage so it will go away and until I do that, I think about is obsessively.
And that's apparently OCD.
Time for some blatant honesty. Every disorder I get makes me feel lower. I have all these cracks and breaks, I can't strive to be perfect with this shit can I.
Silver lining: The Therapist thinks that if we can get a handle on my OCD it might ease up some of my narcissistiv tendencies. Yay I guess.
And here's a bonus mini story. I was trying to give my parter advice for college because covid is fucking things up, and I was apparently going full blown OCD. To spare the reading, these quotes pretty much sum it up.
"GIL CALM DOWN"
"I AM CALM"
Yes. Calm indeed. I guess this is a good thing in a way, it's easier to fix. But why do I get all this shit in the first place. I just want to be whole, and at the very least, functional.
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Ok I'm back heres the rundown
First of all I missed all of you so much ♡
Second, I have officially been un-grounded by my therapist but I still have a few limits on me.
Turns out my anxiety got so bad I started forming obsessive-compulsive tendencies which also made my anxiety worse and soon spiraled out of control (my ADHD helped with that too). The detox kinda helped with my stress levels but I'm still having anxiety attacks so they're gonna up the dosage of my meds a bit.
Also I'm most likely gonna start this PTSD-focused therapy thing soon and I hear it helps a lot so I'm excited for that.
So pretty much I feel like things are still gonna be a little weird for a while? But I'm just glad I actually got my phone and stuff back.
ALSO I FINALLY GOT MY DRIVER'S LICENSE YAY!!!
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surveysonfleek · 5 years
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1399.
have you ever had a conversation with a cab driver? yes i have. just depends how i’m feeling and the vibe i get from them.  do you have any shirts from vacation/tourist locations? of course! they’re the best. what is one place you would like to go back and revisit? san francisco, hands down. which would you prefer: a homemade gift, or a store-bought one? either or, i’m not fussy with gifts at all. have you ever hugged a complete stranger? i think so.
when was the last time you were “under the influence?” about a week ago. how regular of an occurrence is this? it’s been weekly but i think i’ve calmed down for now lol. what random acts of kindness have you engaged in lately? just little things with my friends.  do you know anyone who has never read the HP books? who? yes. my boyfriend lol. have you ever had a relationship last for a year or longer? yes. what ended it, or are you still involved? still involved. what kind of scented lotion is your favorite? it was a limited edition from bath and body works but it was called white mocha kiss. i need to find something similar to it, it’s my fave :( where’s the weirdest place you’ve stuck your used gum? nothing crazy... a tree? what’s the best time you’ve had at a high school sports game? idk lol. if you’re out late, where are you likely to be? out with friends. do you ever visit your mall’s arcade (if it has one)? i haven’t in years. i used to a lot as a teen. when was the last time you had hot chocolate? since last winter. shirts with sarcastic sayings: yay, or boo? boo. not a fan. if “yay,” do you have a favorite? - if you lost the use of your limbs, would you still want to live? it’d be hard to accept at first but yeah, i think so. what’s your absolute favorite topic to discuss? pop culture, history, travel. what is your least favorite topic to discuss? politics. when was the last time you played hide-and-go-seek? i don’t remember. where was your favorite place to hide? under the bed. what is your opinion on psychics? real, or fake? fake. i’ll never give my money to them. have you ever watched “are you smarter than a fifth grader?” i have when it first came out. totally forgot it existed.  how would you rank your “class participation” in school? not that much lol. have you ever cut your own hair? how about anyone else’s? yes, it was a disaster. never cut anyone else’s hair though. what is your favorite holiday treat? xmas eve dinner and christmas lunch. how many people have you emotionally hurt? not sure... maybe just my boyfriend tbh. how many people have you physically hurt? no one. probably my sis when we were kids. were these times intentional, or were they accidents/mistakes? always accidents lol. what is the last thing you asked your parents to purchase for you? clothes lmao. do you have any buttons or pins on your backpack? no. i don’t even have a set backpack. if yes, what do they say? - what is your favorite kind of lunch meat? ham. do you know anyone who is truly obsessive compulsive? i don’t know them well enough to confirm but they have tendencies. have you ever been confined to a wheelchair? no. how many “top friends” do you have on myspace? -
do you like oatmeal? not really. how many people are on your bzoink friends list? - do you enjoy mainstream music, or prefer underground bands? a bit of both.  how many bands are you “friends” with on myspace? are you friends with more bands than individual people? do you have a library card? do you use it? i just got a new one last year. never using it again lol. do you cuddle with your pet (if you have one)? yasssss. do you have any candy left over from halloween? didn’t get any to begin with. have you heard of paula godspeed? nope. have you ever made a bzoink friend test? who has the best score on it? do you think that you work better under pressure? hmm kinda. it definitely makes time so quicker. or, do you ONLY work under pressure? nope. what college did you want to attend as a kid? i didn’t have a dream college tbh. i wanted to go to a private one but i’m glad i didn’t. was that still your choice when you grew up? yes. what sports star or athlete did you aspire to be like as a kid? no one. what has happened to all your old toys? they’ve mostly been donated. when was the last time you shopped at a garage sale? no idea! have you ever thrown popcorn at anyone? probably.
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fatphobiabusters · 6 years
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Anonymous Submission. TW: aphobia, amatonormativity , swearing, fatphobia
Hi. I wrote this blog some months ago asking about the relationship between amatonormativity and fatphobia because I wasn’t able to find anything on the subject. I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve been turning it over in my brain, and I thought I’d compile a ranty essay about my personal conjecture on the matter.
>> Seven years ago, teen me was talking to people in a chat room. Upon learning I was a girl, another user assumed I was looking for a boyfriend and asked lightheartedly what physical attributes I preferred in a boy. Short? Tall? Muscular? Fat?
At this point, I was completely unaware of the fact that I was a-spec. As someone who now identifies as both recipromantic (experiencing romantic attraction only after someone else expresses interest first) and asexual, I have to say physical attraction always eluded me a little bit. I’d never even actively thought about it until then. After a moment, I supposed the only requirement was that the boy liked me first.
So I wrote, “I don’t care. I’m not picky.”
The other user’s response felt like a sneer through the computer. “That is such a fat thing to say.” He proceeded to make fun of me, crying, “Fatty! You’re a fatty!” until I left.
When I look back on that incident now, I still feel angry. But I also know enough now to have realized that he used fat as a “threat” to challenge my “straightness” when I still assumed I had it. That it was a combination of his fatphobia and mine that led me to leave.
Not gonna lie, I’m not certain in my a-spec identity. I’m always worrying, what if I’m wrong? I’ve questioned multiple times if maybe I wouldn’t be a-spec if I wasn’t also fat. What I’ve realized since then is that what I was asking myself was really, “Would I still be the same person I am if I hadn’t been ridiculed for being fat?”
I don’t have the answers to that. Maybe. Maybe not.
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One of your followers said the game surrounding fatness and amatonormativity is rigged, which can’t be truer.
IMO, to be Straight with a capital S as defined by our thinphobic, beauty-obsessed society requires certain levels of artifice and performance that I’m not at all comfortable with. Fat people have extra burdens put on them to appear hypergendered in order to be accepted in the public eye, let alone be considered potential partners. They aren’t exactly free to express themselves however they want regarding their mannerisms, creativity and dress, but instead must edit these aspects for others’ consumption.
That coupled with the stress of trying to appeal to others romantically and/or sexually is akin to the stress of having to pass multiple tests. Each grows harder than the last when you’re not naturally inclined to the whole song and dance due to being, y'know, a-spec.
For many people, a breakup or botched date gets processed as grave failure. Eventually the thought strikes me as absurd. Why would anybody want to put themselves through this? Is being alone really so bad a punishment as amatonormativity’s making it out to be? After all, there’s no one I have to “perform” for when I’m by myself; I don’t have to run counter to my nature and wear makeup and watch what I dress and do and say just to ensure a boy—or anyone else, for that matter—likes me.
Just because I’m a-spec doesn’t mean I don’t want to be cared for and listened to, even if not in romantic or sexual ways. Yet those are, for a while at least, the only two options I see.
When teen me goes to school, I drown in a sea of amatonormativity and fatphobia. I can feel the other students’ eyes run over my body and deem it an ugly, repulsive thing that diminishes my worth somehow … And I can’t help but feel I have to wade through a sea of bullshit to grab whatever straws of affection I can find. In doing so, I also can’t help but begin to think there’s something fundamentally wrong with me.
My friends try to get me to dance. They insist I’ll be okay if I take off my jacket and reveal my bare upper arms, but I don’t want to. It’s this small ring of people who don’t see the fat I dread when they look at me.
Even then, they still date and go out with each other. I feel so incredibly lonely when they do because I experience what I fear the most: being left behind. And that leads me to enter a relationship I’m not ready for because I feel “it’s time,” “no one else will ask me out as I am anyway” and that it’s what “adults” do, rather than because, “Yay, I want to!”
So … Is it any wonder I’m relieved when the relationship ends? I don’t have to pretend to be Straight anymore. I don’t have to deal with the anxiety of timing my hugs when I’m touch-averse, of appearing “cute” to my boyfriend to keep his attention, of thinking, “Maybe I’m a bad person” for feeling aesthetically attracted to others and feeling my attraction to him fade. Of fearing that people may mock me and laugh at me behind my back because I dare enter a relationship While Fat™.
I once read a post that said the reason why people cut down the fat person who claims their own happiness is because they feel that person has “cheated” the institutions that reward thinness, and the fat person doing this somehow cheats them.
Likewise, aphobes say that a-specs “only love themselves” and “need to go outside” for what I suspect are similar reasons. If a-specs claim their lives are already full and complete without romantic love and sex, then they’ve walked away from the power our sexually compulsive, amatonormative society exerts over them. That angers and frightens those who’ve spent years trying to “win” the game, even if only on a subconscious level. Besides, it’s easier to condemn those who don’t conform to traditional narratives than to reexamine one’s own belief in those narratives.
Aphobia, fatphobia and amatonormativity each share the tendency to objectify the fat a-spec. The conversation turns external to the speaker, as if whatever attraction (or lack thereof) the person feels is irrelevant; it is instead what othersthink of them that shifts the focus toward potential partners, spouses, strangers, family and children rather than the real person who is hurting right now.
Don’t most fatphobic conversations steer toward how the fat person can gain thin privilege on an individual level? “Lose weight and people will treat you better. Stop being a-spec, and people will treat you better.” Both fat and the a-spec orientations thus become things to be denied, diminished, rather than celebrated.
Then there’s the denial, the gaslighting. Aphobia says, “You don’t experience attraction? You must be lying.” This strips the a-spec person of agency because it implies that they cannot trust their own judgment.
Likewise: “You’re fat and happy? You must be lying.” The common misconceptions that fat people must lack self-control and are victims in their own narrative also strip them of agency.
Amatonormativity asks, “Why haven’t you begun looking for a partner yet? You’re not complete without one! You can’t be happy without one!”
For the a-spec, pinning our source of happiness to a concept we may not even be able to believe in or access is a terrifying thought. How many fat people have felt similarly broken due to not being able to secure partners?
Lastly, fatphobia says: “Hush, a-spec. You’re only this way because you’re lonely and sad and you haven’t managed to find someone who’s attracted to you (regardless of whether this is true or not).”
And all of this? Is complete, utter nonsense.
In that vein, “Have you tried dating?” isn’t a very different question from, “Have you tried losing weight?” Besides being flippant and dismissive, it doesn’t offer much in the way of actual help that listening and empathy would.
What makes it even more insidious is that these intrusive, probing questions often get couched in terms that make it seem as though the asker is coming from a genuine place of concern. Even if they are, that still doesn’t erase the fact that the fat person’s identity, privacy and personal standards for happiness will always seem like open debate topics.
Furthermore, the pathologization of fat and a-spec orientations puts a double whammy on the fat a-spec by using “legit-sounding” misinformation to make them doubt themselves. As if it’s not bad enough we’re demeaned as worthless, “broken,” and less-than-human despite our character and achievements: apparently, nothing we do or become can ever “make up for” this perceived lack, not in a society that prizes sex and romance.
No, internalized fatphobia and aphobia ensure we constantly have this nagging voice in the back of our heads, saying: “You’re only aro/ace because you had no other options.” “No one will love you the way you want when you’re this fat.” Sometimes these two thoughts get combined in an especially insidious way: “You’re not a valid aro/ace because you’re fat and you believe no one will love you.”
NEVER MIND that drive (libido) does not equal attraction.
NEVER MIND that some aces experience hypersexuality and have naturally high sex drives, and that aromantic people can experience hyperromanticism, and that the a-spec is a spectrum above all and encompasses a wide range of backgrounds, circumstances and orientations—yes, including fat.
NEVER MIND that fat people have been engaged in relationships of all types for ages, and it’s society that perpetuates the lie of the “lonely fatty” to terrorize us and keep us from finding happiness.
NEVER MIND a fat a-spec can still experience the typical hormone imbalances that always get thrown at a-specs as “proof” of their “deceit,” and those imbalances still wouldn’t invalidate them in a thousand years.
Listen. As someone who’s battling all these doubts and more, I just have to say this in conclusion to other fat a-specs: I see you. Maybe you won’t find all the answers you’re looking for. Maybe you’ll never be 100% now-and-forever sure. Maybe these facets of your identity overlap too much for you to separate them, and maybe you don’t want to separate them. The important thing is, you’re recognized, you’re valid.
And you’re not alone.
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fannycupcakettv · 4 years
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I’m a 24 years young, Night Pet Care Specialist, Twitch Streamer and last but definitely not least, single mom. I have been diagnosed with Depression. But I have been mentioned to suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and social anxiety (extreme social anxiety), pretty sure there’s a big part of General Anxiety and tendency to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Why only diagnosed with depression? I was always too scared of saying all that ran through my brain, since I have close people to me that scared me about the hospitalization environment. Why self diagnose? I like to call myself out when I’m wrong, I love to learn about how the brain works, starting with mine. I have done research (not a professional, just teamed up with Google) and I have seen the patterns.
I have moved so many times since I can remember, yes, since I was a child. Had a very unstable path growing up. Became an adult and things haven’t gotten much better. In the last year I have moved 4 times, going on 5. Yes, I repeat, in just 1 year. But this time is one of if not the hardest one so far. I have never lived on my own. For many reasons this terrified me, just the thought of being by myself? Alone? Uhh, no. I need constant attention, didn’t you read? Depression? BPD? Needy. This seemed like the worst. I separated my ex, less than a year ago, first move. My mom helped me out, let me stay in the living room with my 3 years baby. I just took with me my clothes in a suitcase, my son’s, a Tv, my Xbox One, makeup, and like? 200 dollars? Maybe less. And one day, perhaps, I’ll share the whole story of this year, but for now, back to the moving.
I moved. I remember absolutely HATING when people told me how someday I will have my own place, trying to make me feel better, but to me it was an anxiety trigger… I mean, are you telling me that beside me being alone? I have now to take care and provide for someone else, when I don’t even know what to do with myself? I have no degree, no car, not even a bed. NO. There’s no way I can do this. Bad thoughts, bad thoughts, a train of terrifying thoughts. I didn’t know how to become the person that I’ve envisioned, that strong, independent single mother. SHIT. I haven’t even been able to keep a job for longer than 4 months. My anxiety, my depression, I’m tired all the time. And I can probably write a whole new post about my life of having to work with a sick brain. Back to the moving. I had nothing. Terrified about living by myself.
 
In the process of healing in order to become someone that I could look up to, I decided I was going to stop thinking about the whole living by myself situation, since it would just trigger anxiety attacks and I needed to be okay.
 
We moved, my mom, my son and me, to a house my mom bought! Yay! Still scared about this living by myself situation. It was not anymore the silence and loneliness, it was still a little bit of me taking care of someone by myself, since my mom has been helping me. Now it was more of, what if I can’t be able to afford a place for my son and me? What if I lose my job? Or need a second job? But hey, I didn’t need to think about this just yet, because no one was kicking me out. Right?! Double yay!
 
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Third time is the charm? So the say goes. I moved in with my best friend, super close to my job, it was pretty great. I felt very independent, not needing my family as much, kind of scary, but not living by myself, you know? Is a gray area. You could say. Spent a couple of months, but it wasn’t working out. We thought it would be best for me to move back to my mom’s. I wasn’t thrilled about it; I had to make some changes and adaptations, also having my job being so far again, depending on my mom, even though she suggested for me to pay rent, so it wasn’t going to be the same as when I left, which is good. And hey, at least I had somewhere to go, right? Maybe that fourth time was the one. Because seriously, I’m tired, so tired.
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The physical and mental exhaustion that just comes naturally with moving, for me it was double the brain tiredness. I never reacted good to changes and the anxiety of new adaptations would put me in bad places, but not as much anymore, which was very good.
Now what? Why the fifth time is coming? Why indeed… My mom is selling the house. She told me within the first week of being back, and she has mentioned of maybe renting the house, but wasn’t sure since I was going to be able to pay some rent. But oh well, selling, and now what do I do? Honestly? Not sure. But I will tell you this, is incredible how you much you can change in your brain in just one year… in less than one year in fact. I took it pretty bad the first few days, I’m not going to lie. I’m still not sure if I can afford to live by myself, but I do know that I have enough for the first month and taking care of someone? Is an honor. I know how to take care of myself now, I have seen all that I have been capable of doing and that I never thought I actually could, in the last 300 something days. I have my own car, soon I will have my first anniversary at work, and my son has his own bed. It still hits me sometimes, and it scares me a little bit, but hey, I never thought I would be able to drive on the highways, and guess what? I’m such a pro now.
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deaneatscake replied to your post “amyoatmeal replied to your post “…why would you be autistic bc you...”
Do you know misophonia? I have this and it's quite similar to what you describe. I can't hear songs played in another room either
Yeah, I call it (auditory) sensory issues but I suppose that’s the same thing or at least the same ‘family’ of disorder-y stuff. I don’t really have many of the triggers most commonly found in misophonia (like, the sound of people chewing etc doesn’t bother me) and afaik some sounds are bothersome for a lot of people including many neurotypicals (like that noise forks make when dragged along a plate in a certain way, or the infamous chalk-against-blackboard, or people tapping their fingers against certain surfaces), but I appear to have the same kind of reaction to certain sounds as described in descriptions of misophonia. Also misophonia is apparently comorbid to disorders like OCD and general anxiety disorder and I have those (not really full OCD but I do have obsessive-compulsive tendencies, and anxiety is my buddy) so... yay.
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opens-up-4-nobody · 3 years
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