#yeah i'm gonna be using this for myself too

[permanentswaps]

Like Father Like Son Pt.2

Read the original from @exploratorytfs here.

It's been three years since that bizarre twist of fate turned my life upside down, or should I say, right side up. Looking back now, I can't help but smirk at the irony of it all. I won't tell my dad (yeah, I definitely think of him as my dad now), but the truth is, the body swap wasn't entirely an accident.

I just wanted to give him a taste of my carefree lifestyle, show him that growing up and being mature isn’t all it's cracked up to be. So, I went online and found a way for us to swap.

I never meant for it to be permanent. I mean, who would want to stay in someone else's body forever? But the moment I found myself in his shoes, staring at the world through his eyes, I knew I had hit the jackpot. His body, his life—it all felt like a perfect fit.

It had only been a day, but I didn’t want to ever leave. What was I gonna do now? I couldn't imagine going back to my old life, to the mundane routine and endless expectations. No, this was where I belonged. But how could I make it permanent without causing even more chaos?

Surprisingly, my dad seemed content in my old body, reveling in the responsibility of it all. He didn't seem eager to find a way to swap back, and I couldn't help but gloat inwardly. It was almost too easy—I had traded up in every possible way.

Every time I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, a surge of excitement coursed through me. The chiseled jawline, the toned, youthful physique, the effortless charm—it was like I had been upgraded to the deluxe model. And as much as I tried to suppress it, I couldn't help but revel in the undeniable satisfaction of it all.

So when my dad brought up the idea of making the swap permanent, I didn't hesitate. "Hell yeah, Dad," I replied with a smirk, savoring the taste of victory.

We hashed out the details over dinner, but in my mind, it was already a done deal. And just like that, the deal was sealed. Sure, there are moments when I feel a twinge of guilt for keeping my dad's body, but then I remembered how much better I look in it, and the guilt just turned to horniness. After all, who wouldn’t want to be me.

Shortly thereafter, I signed a modeling contract – of course, who wouldn’t wanna see a body like this? Every photoshoot, every runway strut, only served to reinforce my belief that I had made the right choice.

My dad was so excited for me and gave me his sports car as a present for that and my birthday. He told me to be careful with it like the responsible guy he is. I promised him I would be, but I speed down the highway blasting music. After all, a hot young jock like me has to do that! … But I'll let him think he's having a good influence on me.

Through my modeling gig, I met my boyfriend James. He embodied everything I found irresistible: tall, dark, and undeniably handsome. What intrigued me even more was that he had no clue this body wasn't originally mine. That really turned me on.

Even though I'm used to living this life by now and fully think of myself as Nathan, I still get a thrill every time he calls me by my name. Just last week, we were having a night of passionate sex. As he pressed me down onto the bed in missionary, he thrust back and forth in slow. deep strokes.

Rubbing his right thumb in circles around my left nipple, he leaned down to kiss me. I looked up at him in awe. Smirking back had me he said in a husky voice, “I love you Nathan.”

Before I knew it, I was shooting my load across his thick, muscular chest.

Mixed in with the pleasure, I had to laugh to myself. In a way, I got what I wanted. Nathan (or at least his body) definitely is living his youth now.

[assistant-of-drama]

Assistant Noah's World Tour!

Hello, my name is Noah.

And around 2 years ago, I had made the biggest mistake of my life.

I got into a show called Total Drama and now I can't escape this overrated series or its crazy host.

How did this happen to me?

Well, I'm going to tell you...

When I first entered the show, I thought that I was gonna stay at a fancy resort or something like that, while trying to win the 100,00 dollars.

But instead that hotel turned out to be a crappy, ancient campsite. They only have one outhouse and there's a camera inside of it. The food is disgusting and served by a violent psychopath of a Chef. The host is basically insane and probably gonna get crazier. With the cherry on top, being that our first challenge was to jump off of a giant cliff.

Yeah, the money just wasn't worth it.

I decided to trick my team into voting me off.

So, when the dodgeball challenge arrived, I saw it as the perfect opportunity since I hated sports anyway. I simply refused to help and gave my team the occasional rude comment here and there, to irritate them even more. It was almost too easy.

I smiled and chuckled to myself as I left the dodgeball arena, forgetting about the cameras recording my satisfaction.

When I wasn't given a marshmallow, I had to resist the urge to smile, while acting angry and disappointed. I even subtly insulted their intelligence one final time as I left, getting pelted with marshmallows in the process. It was totally worth it.

I couldn't fight the smug smile anymore as I reached the boat, nor the sigh of relief as the boat left the stupid island.

If only I knew that being unable to control my joy would've sealed my fate.

I was pleasantly surprised to see that there was a resort after all; a resort of the losers.

How ironic, but I wasn't gonna complain.

However, a few days later, Chris and Chef learned that I got voted off on purpose. They were furious. They called me back to the island, explaining that as a punishment, I would have to come back to the island as Chris' assistant for the rest of the show. My jaw dropped in disbelief. Apparently, I missed the fine print in my contract; if anyone leaves on purpose, then they're forced to work for Chris.

As I reluctantly went on the boat back to the island, I couldn't help but feel a mixture of anger, disappointment, and a bit of fear. I didn't know what Chris had planned for me, but I knew it couldn't be anything good. When I arrived at the camp, I immediately put on a disguise, so the others wouldn't recognize me.

I was exhausted. Chris had been working me like a dog since my return to the island. He had me doing all sorts of tasks. I'd never been so tired in my life. Every time I thought I'd finally catch a break, he'd find something else for me to do. It was relentless.

But at least I get paid more than the other interns.

Then later to my surprise, Chris began to ask me for new ideas for the challenges. I was confused at first, but then he explained that he was impressed with how I managed to trick my team into wanting me off the island. He saw it as a sign of my true potential. I couldn't believe it. Chris, the insane host, was actually praising me?

I decided to take advantage of the situation and give him my best ideas. To my surprise, he actually liked most of them. Over time, my role in the show became bigger. We would brainstorm ideas for challenges together, and I would help him execute them. It was a weird kind of partnership, but it worked for us.

As the days went by, I learned to accept my new life on the island. Sure, it was still a competition, and there was always the chance that someone might figure out my true identity, but for now, I was content. I even started to enjoy the challenges again, if only because they were more interesting with my unique perspective. The gross eating challenge was one of my favorites.

When the finale arrived, Chris, Chef, and I were thrown into the water by the contestants as a form of revenge. We didn't see it coming; one minute we were announcing the winner, and the next, we were soaked to the bone.

Then my wig came off, revealing myself to the others. They were angry at first, but after I explained everything, they decided to forgive me… except for Heather. We all had a laugh about it and even became friends.

I thought it was over.

But then Chris made everyone chase a case with a million dollars inside of it, while I simply stayed at the resort.

Then Chris revealed that he tricked everyone into doing a second season of Total Drama, I didn't care at first because I thought that I was gonna leave.

The apathy turned into horror, when Chris reveals that I'm still his assistant, according to my signed contract.

Life, why do you hate me so?

In Season 2, everyone became extra nice to me, hoping that their kindness would somehow get them special treatment in the future episodes.

Even Justin began flirting with me, and I couldn't help but feel a twinge of annoyance. I mean, sure, he was gorgeous and all, but I'm immune to Justin's charms. He's just another generic pretty boy that everyone loves drooling over.

I was so relieved when he left.

While the others finally took the hint that I wasn't gonna give them anything and now leave me alone, thank god.

Now that Season 2 is over, Chris is currently preparing a third season which is gonna take place in a unstable plane traveling across the world and singing random musical numbers.

Chef was right, that is the worst idea ever.

At least I'm not expected to sing.

The making of Season 3 is how I met Alejandro. The perfect combo of beauty, brawn and brains. Basically Justin, but with upgrades. The man who could charm the pants off of most species. At least that's what Chris says. Because personally, I think that guy is as overrated as the show I'm forced to work on.

That doesn't stop the Prince Charming Wannabe from flirting with me. In fact, it only seems to encourage him. He's constantly circling around me, waiting for the perfect moment to pounce. It's amusing, in a pathetic sort of way. I mean, really, how can someone be so convinced that they can win someone over with a few well-placed compliments and a big, fake smile? It's almost insulting.

Then there's Sierra. She's… interesting, to say the least. There's something about her that suggests she's not quite right in the head. When she was an interviewer, she followed the cast around like a lost puppy, constantly scribbling in her notebook and asking questions that no one seems to understand. She's also obsessed with Cody.

Her obsession with Total Drama is borderline creepy. She knows every contestant and knows personal things about us too. Even Chris himself. It's unnerving, actually. She even seems to know some things about me that I'm pretty sure I haven't told anyone.

They are the two weirdest people that I've ever met… and I'm about to be trapped on a plane with them. Great. Just great.

I'm not sure whether to feel sorry for myself or laugh at the absurdity of the situation. I mean, here I am, stuck as Chris Mcclean's assistant, while everyone else gets to compete for a chance at a million dollars. And now, we're all going to be singing and dancing our way around the world. It's enough to make anyone's head spin.

Pray for me.

(Inspired by total-drama-brainrot's anonymous questions!)

#assistant noah's world tour #assistant noah #total drama #total drama island #total drama action #total drama world tour #td noah #alejandro burromuerto #alenoah #td sierra #td heather #td justin #chris mclean

[storiesbyjes2g]

3.103 Every day I'm hustlin'

For the next week, I hustled harder than ever. I went to every spa I knew of and taught 2-3 classes a day. I even went back to our gym in Willow Creek to see about teaching, but they had a full-time instructor. We were in no way hurting financially, but I hadn't worked since we got engaged. And honestly? My work activities slowed significantly when I moved in with Sophia. I wanted to spend time with her and be home when she arrived, but she got off work so early it just threw off my whole day. The money tree was in progress and my SimTube video was still doing great, so I didn't have to work so hard. But I felt compelled to, especially after our last conversation about the money tree and my family history. I had to ensure my family would be set up for success by doing any and everything I could while I had few obligations. I didn't enjoy getting home late and seeing my wife only a few hours a day, but I was willing to sacrifice for a short while.

One morning, I woke up and caught Sophia doing push-ups outside. When we chatted on Social Bunny back in the day, she always talked about how much she loved fitness, but I never saw evidence of that when I moved in. Her job sucked the life out of her, leaving her too physically and emotionally drained to do the things she loved. But she was free now and started prioritizing her health and wellness. Her delicious curves would start slowly disappearing, and I mourned my loss but took solace in knowing she'd be happier and healthier.

An idea fell on me, so I went outside to greet her.

"Good morning, my sweet."

I grabbed her hand and kissed it so over-the-top dramatic like they did in the old movies.

"You're awfully romantic this morning!"

That was a new one. I never saw myself as a romantic.

"I'm going to teach at the Desert Bloom Resort today. Would you like to come?"

"Really? You want me there?"

I chuckled.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"I don't know... Some sims get nervous about friends and loved ones seeing them in action."

"Oh. Well, that's definitely not me, seeing as I used my friends and family to get started."

"Okay then! Let me text Rashidah. She was gonna come by this afternoon, but I'll tell her to come later."

We ate, got dressed, and headed to the spa. The class was almost full, which made me happy, but I never had so many sims unwilling to try. Like, I knew everyone came with varying levels of fitness, and I never did complicated routines because of that. Alternate poses existed for that very reason, but half of my class just stood there. Why pay and not participate? It must be nice to have money to waste.

Sophia had taken a mat in the back, so I couldn't see her very well. But every time I caught a glimpse of her, she struggled. By the end of class, she looked miserable.

"Everything hurts," she said. "I pulled muscles I didn't even know I had!"

I didn't enjoy seeing her miserable, but her talking about muscles she didn't know she had made me chuckle a little. I knew just the thing to cheer her up.

"Come with me."

I led her upstairs to the massage rooms and found a masseuse who wasn't busy.

"Hi," I said.

"Oh, hey. You're the yoga guy, right?"

"Yeah, I'm Luca. This is my wife, Sophia. Would you mind if I borrowed your table? I'll pay if-"

"Have at it, bro. I get paid the hour. But if you don't mind, I'm gonna stay in the room. Can't let them see me slacking, ya know?"

"Sophia? Do you mind if she stays?"

"Not at all! This is so exciting and romantical!"

She changed into a towel and hopped on the table, and I attempted to melt away her pain.

I wondered why she thought it was romantic, though. Was it because of her history? Or was it mine? I had an unused skill, and my wife had a need. Was being a good husband romantic? Regardless, I was glad she enjoyed the massage. Too bad weren't alone, though. I could have massaged everything and made sure she had a very happy ending. But I behaved, and Sophia left feeling much better. Maybe I should get a table for the new house....

She wanted to check out the rest of the facility as she'd never been before, so I went downstairs to the gym. The punching bag made me remember me, Maia, and Dub's debate about the best exercise, and I told him I gained all my muscle from yoga, never lifting weights or punching a bag. I went a few rounds, and it was honestly kind of fun. I let out steam I didn't know I had and felt my muscles engaging and contracting so much I knew if I kept it up I'd be walking around looking like Llama Man. No disrespect to him, but the superhero look was not for me. The weights and punching bag would have to remain an occasional activity.

Rashidah came by later, just like Sophia said. I didn't want to be rude and ignore her, but I also didn't want to be all up in their business, so I stayed and chatted with them for a little while before excusing myself. It occurred to me I hadn't checked on the money tree in a while, so I hurried outside to see if it was okay.

Good thing I caught it when I did because it was full of weeds, and the leaves had withered. The soil was still pretty damp from my initial watering, so I guess the weeds were choking it out. I never aspired to be a gardener. Apart from Mama making me water and weed her soy plants, I didn't know a thing about it or care. But my family's future now required me to get on board. Luckily, I only had one tree to tend, not an entire garden. I could manage that for a lifetime of financial freedom.

#ISBI challenge #sims 4 story #sims 4 gameplay #adolting #adolting gen 3 #luca winston murillo #sophia aguilar #rashidah watson

[andy-clutterbuck]

Rick Grimes - The Walking Dead | Joel Miller - The Last Of Us

#Rick Grimes #Joel Miller #The Last Of Us #The Last of Us HBO #guess who's back back again #not shady but me with the apocalypse dilfs #* #rg #i've been thinking about this since the first episode #and i kept telling myself not to make it #but now i've had too man margs so i'm gonna make it #also that rick and joel outfit gifset got me the most notes i have ever had so lmfao #i love apocalypse dilfs #when apocalypse dads threaten bodily harm it can be so personal #if you see this and say 'lacey yes' you're a real one 😘😘 #*me crying at the quality difference while giffing* yeah aesthetic and film n' whatever idc

[b4kuch1n]

tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"

#bakuspeech #number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u #he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up #(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out) #we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment #and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here #but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something #but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku #but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this #this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and #that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing #but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it #its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with #and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually #I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay #but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol #not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real #and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself #and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god #that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao #but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them #have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway

[stop-breaking-my-heart-dragonage]

Me, when Sebastian joins my party for the first time: Okay, this time I'm not going to forget about you, Sebastian. I'm going to make an effort to use you a lot this playthrough so I can better understand you.

Also me, immediately forgetting about Sebastian while finishing Act 2 and making it halfway through Act 3 before I finally notice his Faith quest: ......................Oh. Right. My bad.

#da2 #dragon age 2 #sebastian vael #listen in my defense..........i don't like bringing sebastian anywhere sksksks #okay look i seriously tried but every time i bring him somewhere i always think man i wish i had brought someone else #and also i do just forget about him! i finally added him to my party at one point and he had 24 points to spend... #that's how long i neglected him after i promised myself i was gonna use him more and then i didn't #it's not that i don't like sebastian as a character though i do tend to side eye him A LOT... it's just that i like everyone else more #even aveline like i'd take aveline over sebastian any day and that's saying something... or is it? i have a lot of feelings about aveline #whereas my feelings about sebastian could maybe fill a thimble...it doesn't help that in my canon run as a mage hawke #i romance anders and well... sebastian wants me to kill anders and my hawke is like 'do i approve of blowing up the chantry? complicated.' #'am i breaking up with anders for this? absolutely. do i still love him? mmhmmm. am i going to kill him sebby? i'd sooner set varric aflame #then sebastian threatens to bring an army to kirkwall and leaves so i can't say i have the greatest opinion on him #even the time where i did kill anders and he stayed in my party he was just... there #and then he glitched out and started t posing while asking if ed ever found out what anders wanted to do in the chantry so..... yeah #but even this playthrough where i'm playing as a lady warrior with a different personality and everything... i'd just rather use anyone els #also keep him away from bethany i do not approve sksksks she's too good for him #i want to understand and see the different angles of him like with the other companions but i've yet to convince myself to do it #also sebastian romancers out there can you like... explain? genuinely can you explain the appeal? i'm curious #because of all the love interests in da2 i look at sebastian and you'd think i'd maybe be more interested? but it's like... #i know about the chaste marriage and everything like that's fine i don't need sex to be a thing in the relationship but it feels less like #an asexual romance and more like... y'know... being with a priest and i guess that's just not one of my kinks? sksksks #i guess there's also the prince angle but i romanced alistair in dao and kept him a grey warden i don't really care about royalty power #and i don't have issues with him being a part of the chantry [well i do but yknow what i mean] since i romanced cullen in dai #and his whole deal with the chantry and magic and shit makes his romance interesting to me but sebastian is just.... a bit too much i think #i don't know i'd like to understand because i really don't but i also keep forgetting about him

[jakeperalta]

spent weeks psyching myself up to stand up to my mum and then immediately got shot down by her 😃👍

#vent incoming i apologise in advance for the long tags #we've lived together just the two of us since dec 2021 (although her boyfriend is here like 2/3 of the time as well) #and since i got my job in march 2022 i have been paying half of all the bills (literally down to like tv license when i barely watch the tv) #which is £300 a month #plus i buy all my own food + pay for the amazon prime she uses + contribute to various household things like toilet roll etc #and she doesn't have a mortgage so i am paying the same amount as her to live in her house #(and it is very much her house not our house) #and I've never been very happy with any of that but never complained either #but then recently it turned out she never set up the water bill when we moved in (it's one of the only bills i didn't sort for us) #so we have a huge backdated bill from dec 2021 and i knew she was going to tell me to pay half #so for the past month or so I've been preparing myself for this conversation and sure enough today she came and said 'we owe £700' #so i was like 'oh i thought maybe it would've been covered by my £300/month' which is the biggest stand I've been able to work myself up to #and she immediately started going on about how i live here too and use water too so it's just as much my responsibility to pay #and how when we're both earning i should be paying my share and i was like yeah i know that's why i never complained about paying before #but also i already pay more than most people would to live with their parents #and she went off about how actually most people charge their grown up kids rent on top of the bills so really i'm lucky i don't have to #(when she got the original £300 figure it was actually rounded up from like £240 to include 'rent' but i wasn't gonna bring that up now) #and in conclusion she doesn't see why she should be subsidising my bills #like i don't know maybe because you're my MOTHER and i am your CHILD who is just starting out in the adult world #and maybe that entitles me to being treated better than some lodger???!!!!! #anyway i paid the bill and now i'm trying and failing at not crying at my desk 😃 #talking

[kyouka-supremacy]

( •_• )

#Aight I'm no marketing strategist but like. It doesn't take a genius to see on my dash everyone going #“If there's not going to be new bsd content soon I'm just gonna drop it” #I really don't get why they went for this route. Oh well. *Goes make the bsd reread announcement post I've been procrastinating on making* #random rambles #Tbh I too have found myself a little tired with bsd but also. #Idk I like the fandom. #Even if I'm not as excited about it as I used to be right now it's still something that makes me happy to interact with every day. #I like the format. To an extent I also like not getting new content because it gives myself the illusion- #I will be able to focus on studying more (lol) #Or at least dedicate myself to other projects I've been wanting to complete #And one of the main appeals of bsd to me stays how the content is widely accessible. #Like I love p/p and I definitelly love it a thosuand times more than I do b/sd. I truly love that franchise. #But besides from watching the anime it's impossible to get your hands on the extra content (manga‚ novels‚ dramas‚ stage plays‚ fanbooks) #Which left me - archivist obsessed - just frustrated #With bsd aside from very niche things (I love you pricey fanbooks... ) #Most of the main content is within reach. Man I was able to compile a magazines archive. I could have never done it with p/p #So yeah it's just. A space that fits my very specific kind of autism #Why am I even discussing this again?

[thethingything]

deleted a bunch of the posts from yesterday because the paranoia finally caught up with me 🙃 but anyway we can't taste properly, we're constantly shaky and wheezy and dizzy, and the cough we've got has gotten significantly worse, and I called our GP to ask about paxlovid or similar treatment and got dismissed before I could even speak to a doctor and I really, really just want to go scream at someone but that would be a shitty thing to do.

I fucking hate that people keep going out while ill and not taking even basic precautions to avoid infecting others. I hate that we're basically at the mercy of everyone else because no matter how hard we try people still infect us and doctors just end up dismissing us. this is... what, like the 6th time we've had covid and we don't even fucking go outside.

I just want a break. I just want to be able to get on with life and get my shit together without being constantly screwed over by other people's reckless decisions and a frankly ridiculous amount of bad luck

#personal #thoughts #🍬 post #vent post #I'm so tired and so pissed off and I need a fucking break that I'm clearly not gonna get #and I'm using healthy coping mechanisms as much as I can #I'm journaling. I'm setting aside time to relax and do self care. I'm trying to pace myself and feel my emotions properly #I'm putting effort into noticing unhealthy behaviours and redirecting them and it is so much fucking work #but I'm doing it anyway and yeah it is helping but christ alive there's only so much it can do for you #when you do not get a fucking break from shit that's actively ruining your mental health and ability to function #and I am exhausted and recovery takes energy and learning healthy coping mechanisms takes energy and I'm doing it anyway #and I'll keep fucking doing it but I desperately need our circumstances to improve too

[stellacadente]

hi Nico! I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, I hope you’ll be okay and can take some time to yourself :( <3

thank youuu silver i really appreciate this!! i'll be okay, shit just isn't Fantastic rn been struggling w this and other stuff so like. it's not easy but i'll be fine i'm trying my best to take care of myself and find peace within myself which is the hardest place to find it but honestly i think the only one?? but yeah ly and i hope you're doing well 🩵

#the world's too fucked to find peace in it i've pretty much grown certain of that #and i don't even mean this as like... there's no hope and no good things #i just mean we have to find the good things and the good people and do what we can together to like #make things better and all live in the most comfortable and meaningful way possible? #community in the end is the answer to the question is there any hope for a peaceful and free and comfortable and happy life. there is if we #stick and work together l #SORRY this was a tangent. i'm just like. finding peace within myself and realizing more and more that what i need is other people #but not in the way i've always thought i needed them. and that i still feel i need them. in the most fucked up way i still feel like that #bc the way i've p much always interacted w others is thru the lenses of my mental illnesses so it's alwaysssss been so distorted #and damn isn't it hard to break free of that. w no therapy especially. but anyway this is a whole thing #which you didn't ask me abt sorry silver fjdbkrvkfbj #been in a very reflective mood lately. bc i'm struggling and need to find a way out so yeah #but THANK YOUU again and yeah dw i'll be fine i'm gonna do my best to be okay #asks #cheri #i don't think you have a preference name wise btw but if i'm wrong pls do let me know i've just been using cheri and silver interchangeably

[running-in-the-dark]

the thing is. I've said many times that it'd probably be better if I didn't post on here so much, especially when I'm not doing so great. it does not feel good. but. when I don't, it just all stays inside my head and it feels so much worse for far longer, so I really just don't know how I would cope without this.

#I mean I used to write in my diary instead. but it's not the same. it's like talking to myself which is like thinking which is the whole #damn problem in the first place #I can't bother my friends every time I feel like shit because it happens so much #and they don't get it #except my best friend but I already message them too much and they have their own shit going on #it's either this or lie in bed imagining [current blorbo] and talking it all out with them and basically just. daydreaming therapy. #but that tends to not be great because then I get stuck and don't want to do anything else because I'd rather be there forever. #which. idk but it doesn't feel that healthy to me. #I juuust want to be normal it's all I want it's all I've ever wanted #and then people say being weird is good and they love me for who I am and it's so so sweet and lovely but. I don't mean that. I mean I feel #like I'm insane and there's something wrong with my brain and it's not the fun quirky bits that people love about me. it's the never ending #constant relentless bad thoughts that I can't make go away OR even the good ones really. like I'm. so fucking obsessed right now and all I #want is to think about Dan and Jenkins but if I'm not careful it takes over everything and I. can not stop. #so. yeah I'm. not gonna leave because I can't and I don't really want to and I'm sorry because that means I'll have to keep posting #dumb shit like this every time my brain gets stupid #😭

[whoslaurapalmer]

twice this month we've been in the car when some other car decides they either do not see my mom's car or do not have to obey proper driving rules and almost run right into us and. I love car rides. I love being in the car. I love riding around and looking at stuff. but every time we get into the car now I am so uncomfortable and tense and very scared and it is not cool

#my body will not unclench. wahoo #it's not like the first time this has ever happened but that one two weeks ago was like. wayyyyyyyy too fucking close. #I MEAN I DON'T THINK WE WOULD'VE. UH. BEEN INJURED. CAR WOULD'VE BEEN SMACKED INTO THOUGH. CAUSE THAT GUY DIDN'T YIELD AT A MERGER #and then today this car in the other lane kept swerving back and forth #which was. why would you do that. very scary bc you dont know where they're going next. #JUST KEEPS HAPPENING KINDA FREQUENTLY LATELY AND I DON'T LIKE IT #and like. my instinct in these situations is GASP AND FREEZE i have no reaction instinct but also I'm in the passenger seat. #but that's. a reason i will not drive like idk if i will acquire that reaction ability to not just Freeze #and try to make myself as small as possible. #and then i feel guilty that i don't drive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that my mom has to do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i feel really bad!!!!!!!!! #and I'm like. scrutinizing every single car that drives by like ARE YOU GONNA BE DUMB. ARE YOU GONNA TRY AND HIT US. #AND I CANNOT STOP BEING TENSE. #YEAH YEAH I KNOW WHAT IT IS.

[missshame]

Fuck it I'm gonna learn to play the guitar AND sing then

#I can't sing for shit #Like it's not even that I sing out of key or that my voice sucks it's that my voice won't even come out of my mouth lol #It physically feels stuck in my throat like I'm gonna try to sing for 5 minutes and my throat will hurt because I'm forcing so much just to #make a sound #Like my voice is way less powerful when I sing than when I talk and I try to tell myself if you can talk then you can sing bitch it's the #same principle #Idk #I used to sing out of key when I was a kid and I think it traumatized me lol like I lost all my confidence in singing at a young age #When I had to go to choir when I was a teenager I mostly was pretending to sing lol #So yeah it's like I'm not even at the singing badly stage I'm a the literally can't sing stage #And yeah I would say I don't like singing and didn't feel like trying but tbh honest I always dreamed of being able to sing lol #But my little ass full of ego and fear of failure would never have admitted it lmao #And even when I got my guitar I was like I want to learn some stuff on the guitar that sound good enough on it's own without a singing part #But idk it's just so much easier to find songs to learn like seriously #I'm too exhausted to learn some super complicated technical stuff on the guitar but I can learn some cool chord progressions but that #typically doesn't sound great on its own lol #So yeah I guess #music

[unproduciblesmackdown]

like hearing an autistic person talking abt realizing like "oh so friendships for some ppl don't involve always having to maintain a performance" and going damn right yeah and now "oh so friendships for some ppl involve their getting to expect that the other ppl will be interested in them and provide support" like huh go figure. more surprising like oh right i guess i always felt like interactions require maintaining a performance that can only go wrong (generally true; like there's no "well you're ruining things by keeping ppl from being the Real You so just Be Yourself" like a] masking isn't Real or done by Yourself or b] like if you unmask people like you now & ableism is over, b/c it was your fault for reacting to it in the first place) & thus also that i should be interested & provide support but not expect that in turn / the sense as well that you are/can only come up short and have things to make up for anyways while lucky whoever's even providing the time of day

then it's always an Exercise to go "oh right well beyond going [my god autistic character] the whole time, what Things re: winston billions was i still not quite seeing as as unusual / Not Good as they are. even for billions" like sure noticing he's holding on to the hopes of some kind of positive / actual relationship w/rian for like year 950 & this manifesting with the Determined Friendliness but zooming in like oh i guess that adamant amicability sure involves winston suppressing a negative reaction to negative treatment and yet still hoping for an improvement, which like, was always Possible but a) hinged on rian simply choosing to change how she regards/treats him (or someone intervening to change the situation) & b) apparently is not going to happen. thinking like yeah that's very Friendly of him. and knowing like man winston's sure still trying to keep this friendliness offer open for like two years. but also now more specifically going like Yeah and pretty fucked then that his baseline expectations don't include that Mutual Interest & Support (though someone being abusive is definitely interested just not in any good ways. and certainly not (actually) supportive)

#and then in immediate retrospect it's like I Mean I Knew It & even now to be saying it feels like i've effectively already said it #just more precise/specific Language available. & where even if it's like [restating this one idea] that's gonna say smthing new / a bit dif #winston billions #from the [immediately going HM HUH first time seeing his clips but taking months to be like He's Autistic(tm) Btw IMO] to now struggling to #say another Ay Word in discussing [he has a devoted workplace bully] as Abuse(tm) when plenty of what's abusive is considered ''normal'' or #correct or even Ideal while defining Abuse as xtreme outliers due to evil intentions & extraordinary situations (that you should avoid) #it's power structures & efforts to control & use/refuse people as things....plenty of ppl who can feel they're just acting Normal & Natural #while other ppl in entire groups Do have to perform which can only go wrong & be hurt / get that everyday trauma from their Normalcy. #those allistic social skills huh (again tldr invoking this concept just Is ableism....) #after a casual twenty plus years w/the gradual convergence of [figuring out i'm autistic] & [not blaming myself for being mistreated b/c #i'm autistic] does put a damper on expectations re: all interactions but it's like the way someone put it the other day #who hasn't said anything abt being autistic but that they don't think anyone's guaranteed any kinds of relationships/companionship incl #friendships (which i agree with; & it's not at all uncommon for ppl to be hard up for those out here. despite ppl treating socializing like #a meritocracy like hmm anyone doesn't have friends? sounds like that's on you not getting good / deserving that) & so he consciously #navigates how to like be genuinely satisfied w/a life that's just got him in it while being open to other ppl. thinking of how i've heard #abt Just That re: autistic ppl (but framed specifically re: dating; like might want a romantic relationship but ofc no one's guaranteed one #of those either (even if this too is definitely treated like in fact you Are guaranteed one & it is Again a meritocracy) And ofc there's #more barriers/hurdles for autistic ppl) & just going like yeah i've sure been always navigating that too while being open to ppl sure but #not feeling like i need that to change & sure asf not focusing on Putting Myself Out There lmao. i put myself out there by existing & by #saying things & by trying not to try to preemptively appease/appeal to anyone. seeing another quote today abt how they're nonverbal & this #results in being regarded as hostile like eugh been there enough; classic [putting myself out there] dramedy of terrors from back in the #day as a teen living on college figuratively sprinting around trying to figure it out; both the Autistacity & Abuse lol. & racking up more #of the latter for the former while i'm at it....nowadays like. certainly recent successes in [spontaneous alignments of being friends] had #to start w/like weeks into months of i'm not expecting someone else to have interest & in fact Am expecting; if nothing else; them to #realize w/e interest motivates them to talk w/me to be mistaken or w/e. as i'm struggling not to mask / beating back efforts to actively #appeal to anyone. being duly surprised when after months they still feel like talking to me. & even then just kind of entering another #phase of ''well but still'' lol like when interactions have largely felt like Buying Time at best #def on the same page as that guy like even [have friends] is not a Need. when i could go ''time to recharge socially'' & make it happen #what i like to do is go be in public '''''by myself'''' around ppl. truly the good shit. doing that kind of shit w/ppl has = nth wheeling. #now insert a short essay spinning off all this abt an approach to Language parallel to [concepts re Socializing] as tag thirty

[agnesandhilda]

coding be damned my girl can write a narrative

#bolo speaks #my coding class gives near-weekly assignments asking us to explain our thoughts on our assigned python exercises and how we solved #those problems #and I am MUCH better at writing those reflections than I am the actual exercises I write them about #it's frustrating but my peer reviews leave me comments on how blunt I am and how my reflections are nice to read and it's flattering :D #though I guess I'm being too harsh on myself since I literally started learning python last month. yeah girl ofc you're not gonna be #good at it!!!! #everything you've learned is a net gain of 100%

[copiasblair]

i went to this place today with a bunch of arcade and pinball machines and had a super fun time and now i'm thinking about arcade date fluff with copia....

#i lost track of time but we fully spent like 5 and half hours there lol and only left because i needed to eat #it was really fun!! #there was a phantom of the opera pinball machine and i played it a ton #i suck at pinball but it was phantom!! i couldn't help myself #it was based on the book and i kept nerding out on all the little details that i really liked #also played darkstalkers for probably over an hour #and i had to stop because i felt like i was getting carpal tunnel and i was getting way too frustrated because it was really hard #but i grew up playing a lot of arcade games so i had a lot of fun!! #we already know copia is a Gamer so i think going to an arcade with him would be really funnn #gonna cheer him on while he tries to get the high score on a game<33 #and being totally in sync playing co-op games and still trying to one-up each other even when we're on the same team hehe #we play a fighting game and he's annoyed that i'm using the same strat i've used since i was a kid #which is just randomly mashing buttons and wiggling the joystick aimlessly until i accidentally figure out a combo and then spamming it #and more than that he's frustrated that it's working and i keep winning #i could go on but yeah arcade dates my beloved <33 #what do you have to say doll?