#years of good memories just gone

[deus-ex-mona]

worming out of awkward conversations l i k e

#accidentally partially traumadumped on my coworker earlier auaaaaaa im so sorry #literally all she asked was ‘are you gonna be spending cny with your father?’ and cue the rant (sadge) #i didn’t really have to tell her that the dude tried to burn our apartment down during a certain rampage #(said fire was extinguished by my then-11 year old bro with water from the sink though. good boi) #the topic was successfully changed after that yeayyyyyy #but. m a n n n n . cny is not a good time for me lmfaooooo #i swear i have at least one bad memory for all of the years that i’ve gone housevisiting for the season #like there was that time when i，as a kindergartner，was deemed to be the cause of breaking apart the family’s bonds #over a can of cola at a reunion dinner bc i cried when my evil aunt scolded me for daring to want a drink other than water #i think my father still blames me for that to this very day lmfaoooooo #g o d. manifesting my hopes and dreams for that prick to not contact me this year im begginggggg #he’s. like. the one person i hate more than myself. 3rd place on my hatelist is his father ofc. no clue who 4th place would be though… #hmmmmm ok i think that’s enough traumadumping for one cny season lmao #tune in next year as i once again wonder what tf the name of one of my cousins is #bc despite how bonkers that side of the family is… i’m sure that the dude’s parents weren’t deranged enough to name their son ‘colour’— #his name is seriously one of my greatest unsolved mysteries. i mean. he has siblings with names like dylan and vivian/valerie/vanessa(?) #and yet everyone calls him something that sounds like ‘colour’. #like damn did his parents decide to skip giving just one of their children a first name or something? guess i’ll never know

[icedteaandoldlace]

K, so as much as the rest of season 1 and the entirety of season 2 would suck with Cisco being dead, now that this thought is in my head, I can't stop thinking about how wild that would be if they literally killed him off for just that period of time, with the intention of bringing him back via Flashpoint and keeping him on for the rest of the show, but making the audience think he was gone for good for a whole entire season. That would've been CRAZY, yo.

#The Flash #Cisco Ramon #Barry Allen #obviously the whole thing with Dante would have to go out the window #because we didn't meet Dante until after Barry time traveled the first time #so there's no significance in killing him off if he hasn't even shown up yet #and because the big thing that Flashpoint changed about Cisco's life is now in fact Cisco being alive #so now instead of Barry returning from Flashpoint and finding Cisco depressed because his brother is dead #he's returning from Flashpoint and finding......Cisco? Alive??? #and Cisco's probably his usual bubbly self and like that's a good thing but also #Barry is freaking the fuck out because CISCO'S BEEN DEAD FOR OVER A YEAR AND NOW HE'S BACK LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED #and obviously has no idea he was murdered in another timeline and also!! neither does anyone else!! #Barry has gone overnight from being on a team full of other people grieving for Cisco #to being the ONLY person with memories of learning that he was dead and all the shock that came with that #and the funeral and the supporting each other and the trying to grow around grief #and now it's all just gone but he's still affected by that death even though it's been undone now and NO ONE understands what he's feeling #and of course he's probably also really worried about losing him again #and since Dante's death was one of his big motivations in canon for not altering the timeline again after Flashpoint #(because causing that and irreversibly hurting Cisco was the biggest and worst consequence of altering the timeline) #in THIS version it's kind of the opposite #in canon he vowed not to change the past again because he saw the harm it could do to people in the present #but this time it's because he accidentally made his life in the present better by bringing Cisco back #and now he's terrified that if he changes another detail from the past Cisco will go back to being dead #and he can't risk letting that happen #it was hard enough going through that the first time #and he's just been through having to let Thawne re-kill his mom which led to Zoom re-killing his dad #and maybe getting Cisco back is a fluke in the universe and it wasn't supposed to happen #but if life will let him have this one bit of relief by gosh he's not gonna do anything to mess it up #(then of course Cisco's gonna piece it all together eventually when his powers finally kick in and hooooo boy is THAT gonna be a ride)

[kn11ves]

emotional support group for autistics who got called condescending and rude as kids just for responding to things directly and still not knowing how they were being mean

#what did i do #i got constantly told by my mother and step father (and his family) that i always talked like i knew better than they did or that i was #just as mature. i was just fuckjng talking what the hell did you want me to do #why do you feel attacked when a 10 year old speaks to you as an adult????? literally what #i dont know on that note sometimes its just like i dont even feel like ive aged at all #sure i have a giant explosion of time in my head just Gone from my memory because i was getting abused but like i dont feel like ive aged #or really matured ive felt like ive alwats felt #i cant relate when epople are like me when i feel all my ages or i wish i could go back to being x age or being x age everything felt so #different..like no it didnt. or im missing something? #i have never in my life felt like anything has changed. ive always been this old. there is no ''inner child'' and ive never had childhood #innocence or a nostalgia or childhood to go back to. i have no idea what any of you are talking about ever👍 #ugh jst rmemebred skmething that happened with my white step dad's mother #we visited her house and she literally fucking didnt let me go (not physically) until i replied to her with Correct Granmar. what was i #doing? i was reaponding to her by saying ''yeah'' and she kept repeating ''yes'' like telling me to say yes instead of yeah and i didnt #Fucking Get It because guess what you old white cracker i barely fucking speak english and you are just saying things in an aggressive tone #like thats gonna make me get it. and i Didnt i just kept replying yrah to her yes's and then she got tired of it and we left out the door #and theeeeen i got yelled at in the car by being called disrespectful and rude by my parents. WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO????????? #those crackers never liked me LOL i literally know they didnt #ugh i rmemeber this one time my step dads father was like trying to show me some dumb boxing or karate or something punching move and he #told my mother that i was good at it because he felt i had a lot of aggression and then NY MOTHER YELLED AT ME IN THE CAR FOR IT?????? #oh fucking wonder why te kid being abused mighthave aggression but she didnt Know (apart from what She was doing to me) like why would it #be my fucking fault if he thought i had aggression in me HOW IS THAT MY FAULT WHAT DIDBI DO I WAS JUST TRYING TO DO THE MOVE BECAUSE WELL #I WAS TRYING TO GET ALONG BECAUSE THATS WHAT THEY WANTED ME TO DO #she was like do you know how much that embarassed me and WHAT THE HELL HE SAID IT I DIDNT I WAS LIKE #8??? OR SOMETHING???? I DONT FUCKING KNOW!!! I DIDNT KNOW WOMAN WHAT DID YOU WANT FROM ME #mothers when they mother👍

[yaminerua]

my mum: stopped me at every opportunity I asked to come see my dying grandpa bc ‘you don’t want to see him like this’ even tho I already had seen him and he had been happy to see me after years estranged from that side of the family and I very much wanted to fit as much time with him in as possible before it was too late and in the end she blocked me from all of it

also my mum: you never came to see your grandpa, you don’t give a shit

and now my mum yet again: won’t let me come see my gran who has been losing weight and falling and breaking bones a lot and been in and out of hospital since being on her own. Didn’t let me go talk to gran when we were both at my great aunt’s funeral last year and so I never saw her and she only found out I was there through other people who saw me. Refuses every time I ask to see my gran, including now when I’ve got presents for her

also my fucking mum right now in the same breath as refusing to allow me to come over: you never come to see your gran, you don’t give a shit

make it make fucking sense jfc

#Never mind the fact that the way my mum and aunt and cousins act about my gran it feels like I’m the only one who DOES give a shit #I’m the one crying and feeling bad for her and wishing I could do more #while my mum and aunt bitch about each other and refuse to coordinate to find an arrangement that works bc they don’t talk #And no-one believes me bc of the years we spent estranged from the family #which was largely bc of my mum being Fucking Terrifying and my aunt a manipulative bitch #I’m so pissed off. I wanted to mend things with papa bc when everyone else had acted like fools he had been fine #and he didn’t deserve to lose contact with us for all this years and I wanted him to know we love him before he was gone #and my aunt and cousin walked us out of the cancer centre the second time I tried to see him so I only got one actual session with him #and now I can’t reach my gran who has been lonely and declining bc of the grief and loneliness #and I’m fucking pissed bc yeah my gran did some batshit stuff in the past #and it was all a big mess but I still don’t want her to feel like I don’t cherish all the good times I spent with her as a kid #before everything went sour. You couldn’t keep me away from them as a kid. I loved spending my holidays there #some of my fondest childhood memories were with them and I hate that things got ruined but I just #want to make up for lost time and let bygones be bygones and yet everything remains complicated

[smallblueandloud]

sometimes healing is sitting bolt upright in bed and realizing it's been more than five years

more than five years! and such a big part of those five years has been growing past it. oh man. it was so long ago.

#sb and l rambles #vagueblogging is vague #i remember noting the date. i recalculated it just now while falling asleep. it was five years ago months ago #she isn't entirely gone and that's kind of the worst part. but she's gone right now and all i can do is comfort the me of my memories #the one who was so excited. so nervous. and yes her nerves were justified. and yes it was so painful #but there were good parts! god some parts were good. and i'm so glad and grateful and proud that she had the courage to try

[glove23]

the torture of remembering the contents of a fic but not the title or the author and also it was deleted and so u will never get to read your favorite fic again

the torture of scouring ffn and ao3 in the vain hope that maybe it was reposted and clicking on anything vaguely similar only to be disappointed every time

the torture of loving something so much that is gone forever

#this hp fic i had in my bookmarks on my PHONE #not even ffn or ao3 #straight up the bookmarks on my phone #that was just labeled 'harry dies' #which was true #but that happened at the end of the story #and then one day going to reread it like u do every couple months bc it's literally ur favorite thing #and it says fic not found #fic not found fic not found #u don't know the title #it was just ur Harry Dies fic #and now #gone #gone gone gone #im just SAD about it #it was so good too #when sirius died the force of his death pushed lily out of the veil #she spent the next year living life as a muggle bc she had lost her memory #until harrys birthday the summer before seventh year #and she goes to the durselys and harry is there and he thinks she a death eater and stuns her #and goes thru a lot to prove shes who sbe says she is #bht then he has lily for the horcrux hunt and the battle #and its also very lowkey drarry #VERY lowkey like they dance around each other and nothing happens #but grimuald place becomes like a halfway house lmao for Slytherins who are being arrested #its just #theres so much to it #and i miss it so much

[hylianengineer]

I need my family friends to stop dying please.

#just found out we lost one of my mom's very old friends #and her best friend died a year and a half ago #unfair #no one is allowed to die now for a minimum of five years please #I'm tired of being sad and more tired of watching my mom be sad #I'm okay we weren't super close but i will miss him #he was basically my adopted uncle. he was a jerk but he was our jerk. he argued constantly for attention. #i swear every time i saw him he told me i should have gone to the rival university that i hate and made fun of my school mascot #he gave me shit for being a vegetarian and called my lunch rabbit food #and oddly yes these are fond memories. because he was never doing it to be mean. i don't think he knew another way to interact. #i really did enjoy arguing with him. I'm gonna miss that. #death tw #vent post #hylian rambles #he always got my mom the rudest old age birthday card he could find. and my grandma too. of course my mom gave as good as she got.

[ukitakejuushiro]

Not to be dramatic but why does listening to old Bleach songs at ass o’clock feel bittersweet

#7am and Haruka Kanata comes up on shuffle... #(I haven't slept fjsakhf) #Is it the brain fog? Is it the shark week hormones? Is it my age #We will never know #Personal #Danie rambles #Not to be cheesy but I met amazing people here on tumblr dot com because of Bleach #And that's the nice part. Really had a lot of good memories with people and I got to be really close with some of y'all #But it's also sad bec some of those people are gone without a trace #Squints @ begetter and ukitakereigaitaichou #Man... been 10 or so years since I last heard from them #Anyway I'm actually really happy Bleach and Ukitake squad have been interacting with my posts even though they've really just been liveblogs #Sadly my laptop is dead and I haven't rly felt the need to buy a new personal one so I don't have PS to make graphics with like I used to

[myownprivatcidaho]

one advantage of nobody on here knowing me is i can ask yall to wish me luck in qualifying for a lifeguard certification course while knowing ill feel minimal shame if/when i dont pass ghe precourse

#god. before actually starting the course you have to do the PREcoursw #in which you swim 300 yards and tread water for 2 mins without using your hands #and then you have to swim 20 meters do a surface dive 7-10 feet to retrieve a 10lb brick swim back 20 meters on your back w both hands on #the brick and then exit the water without use of steps or a ladder #im able to do all these things but the main issue fpr me is stamina:/ #like. i did ballet 9 years so i know my body really well + generally am a fast learner so im totally cramming flr this precourse #and like. having to learn how to use my body efficiently since the muscle memory for swimming just. isnt there #ALSO. the brick thing is timed. you have 1 min 40 secs to do it (or 100 secs) #im like. SUPER blessed tho cause my mom a) was a lifeguard for a couple summers and b) has AMAZING memory #so we've gone out to a local pool and have been practicing and shes been SO helpful #and its been nice having this thing to sorta bond over #she timed me doing the brick thing tonight and i did it in just under a minute so. thats GOOD to know cause ive heard the brick thing #is the one ppl fail at most. im mostly worried about the 300 meters cause i have issues pacing myself so mostly swimming laps has been more #about learning efficiency and pacing. which ive quickly gotten better at/a general sense for but. yeag #also a lifeguard said i looked really good and she was sure id do great which was super nice :DDDD #but. yeag #just general issues with pacing/not overexerting myself. wish me luck yall 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼

[sheliesshattered]

I’m just so tired

#things with my dad are getting significantly worse. with terminal brain cancer that's pretty much the only direction things can go #but his mental state is deteriorating quickly. multiple massive brain tumors will do that to you but now it's accelerating #I described it to one of my siblings that it's like Dad's mind is a big jigsaw puzzle and for a year now it's been clear that #the once-whole puzzle is breaking into pieces. for awhile the pieces were still pretty big and he could still carry on a conversation well #he might not remember it 15 minutes later but get him talking about an old memory or something he's an expert on and he could just go on #I've been calling him twice a week for months now. since Mom first suggested we work on writing a book together #in the month since we decided to give that up as a lost cause Dad has gotten noticeably worse. he's gone from losing his train of thought #to talking complete nonsense in a scrambled combination of old memories and things he once read about -- smaller and smaller puzzle pieces #and as things have taken a downward term I know from talking to Mom separately that Dad is also having a lot of trouble with basic self care #balance and bathing and eating and knowing where he is and all kinds of things. all of which is made worse by his memory problems #and by the fact that he outweighs my mom by a good 100lbs. so when he fell in the tub and couldn't get himself out she had to call for help #had to have a church friend who is more than a foot taller than her drive over to help maneuver my dad out of the bathtub #he's also getting obstinate and angry and saying that my mom and my nb sibling who lives with them are the ones with mental problems #all of which means I think they're going to need in-home healthcare ASAP. if not a round-the-clock facility. it's coming sooner or later #but Dad still hasn't officially retired so he's still on his own insurance which apparentlydoesn't have any coverage for that sort of thing #so Mom has to get him to file the paperwork to officially retire and then get him on her insurance. hopefully without a huge confrontation #and I feel like we're running out of time. that he's going to need that care before all the paperwork has time to clear once its started #I feel like we've been barely surviving horrific river rapids and now I'm the ONLY one pointing out that there's a massive waterfall coming #ignoring it won't make it go away or take longer to get here. it'll just hit us with even fewer preparations in place #I have enlisted the help of siblings so hopefully we can convince Mom of the importance of getting the paperwork started #but Mom is so mired in her own grief and busy with work (and she can't quit bc of the health insurance) and unable to get the help she needs #that it's tricky to bring up any of this sort of thing in a helpful way. and all the while Dad is getting worse #meanwhile I'm trying to deal with my own grief and manage my own chronic health situation. and still call Dad twice a week just to chat #and holy hell I'm just so TIRED

[claitea]

just finished watching a xenoblade 3 playthrough. i am So sad

#clai speaks #spoilers under here #man i dont know what to say. i Really loved this game #xbc 1 and 2 were great sure but this one absolutely demolishes the other two to me #the most lovable cast of characters the visuals the music the main story the SIDE stories #side quests in the other games were for the most part really boring but every xbc3 sidequest felt somewhat significant at least #like its not just ''go help this guy do his groceries or some boring fetchquest with uninteresting no name npcs #the quests all had something to do with helping these colonies survive and build meaningful relationships #i heard the zeon potato thing is a bit of a meme but i was INVESTED in that shit i WANTED HIM TO GROW SOME GOOD GODDAMN POTATOES #not a single main character i was even just Neutral on either like. i didnt care too much for sharla and tora admittedly #but i care SO much about each and every ouroboros member #each one of them is so extremely compelling on their own and complement each other so well and their interactions are so good to watch #every day i think about the campsite animation where sena is playing with taion's mondo and he makes one disappear before she can catch it #i have almost zero complaints with this entire game it is SO. its everything to me rn #the ending. it was PERFECT for what the story is its all been leading up to the worlds splitting again i KNOW but i cant take it man legit #i wouldnt want the ending to change i think i just. personally hate endings where they rip apart the protags i cant handle them #i KNOW it ends on noah hearing the flute and running off and they'll probably meet again years after the game ends but #the noah and mio and everyone you PLAY as. are just gone #their memories and bonds with each other they're restarting #and no thats not a bad thing. its unfair but thats kinda the point #I'M TRYING NOT TO SOUND LIKE THOSE PEOPLE WHO LEGIT CANT HANDLE CONFLICTS IN STORIES BUT I JUST. SORRY #ITS A GOOD ENDING ITS A PERFECT ENDING IT JUST MAKES ME. SO UPSET. WHICH IS THE POINT BUT ALSO. UGH #one thing i will say. Rex??? Holy Shit #i saw that picture months ago and thought it was fanart or a good edit or something NO ITS REAL #AND THEY PUT IT LIKE. SMACK BANG IN THE PASSIONATE KISS BETWEEN NOAH AND MIO. BAM REX PYRA MYTHRA NIA JUMPSCARE #am i right in thinking thats. Weird. i thought pyra/mythra were older than rex but i could be wrong on that #but even if they werent why BOTH pyra and mythra arent they. the same person. they split at the end of xbc2 but pyra still came from mythra #idk. i dont like that at all #poppi still being around though now THAT was great. i love poppi so much WHY COULDNT SHE HAVE APPEARED BEFORE #and last note. the fight with z being the FIRST time melia successfully lands starlight kick without falling over. Perfect

[apricotluvr]

November 2022

#1. went for a massage w a friend. it was so good I almost fell asleep #2. visited my cousin and stayed the night at her place and the next day we went for a walk and the weather was beautiful #3. one of my fave songs from this year. no wonder it’s in my top 3 on Spotify wrapped #4. desk situation at work. been quite busy since there’s a new refugee centre that’s been opened and where I am the main nurse for now #5. dropped my little brother off at work and was driving home when I saw how beautiful the street looks. it’s the street we used to cross #when going to our old primary school. actually they have demolished the whole primary school and every time I drive past it. it hurts #a little :-( I have some very fond memories from that time so it’s sad to see the whole school being gone #6. had bubble tea after a very long time. my friend also tried the pearls for the first time and she liked it #7. have a wedding to attend this week so planning on wearing this dress. I like that it’s black bc I can just wear a black long sleeve #shirt under it and it will look ok :-) #8. got food w friends for one of their bdays #monthly recap

[definitelyuseless]

like ironically i guess, the only sport i ever actually learnt the rules for in highschool was netball cause boys werent excepted to know the rules but still had to play it so the rules were explained but for every other sport everyone was just expected to know the rules already or something

#or the rules for like touvh rugby might have been explained but is tht even a real sport no idea #and like i knew the rules for softball but i also did that one in primary school although that was the tball version #but anyway i was so shit at sport its ridiculous and i dont even know how much of it was lack of ability and how much was attitude #but it was always so embarrassing and awful so there was no way id be getting good at it after that i guess #athough thats obviously cause i was shit at it to start out with #like i had to play the other sports but i mostly just ended up standing around and hoping the ball didnt go near me #but like sports so popular and stuff it was like everyone else liked it or at least everyone id talk to which was another reason that being #shit was rubbish i ended up with those people i never talked to or had anything in common with #allthough by year ten i just gave up and sat and read on the side and no one even cared #i dont know why im making posts about random shit about my life ffrom highsschool #i guess its cause this is basically just a journal #im so self obsessed itl interest me later #i mean i actually dont want to forget my memories even of inimportant stufff like this #highschool was like such an important part of my life when it happened like i honestly didnt do much else #six years of my life and like all of schhol primary school was just as important when i was there #but even for the last two years of high school it had already sort of ended #no one talked to me and it was all just academic subjects and all the worthwhile parts were gone #like literally i spend year 12 escepically alreaady missing it and now thats its finished i just dont think about it much anymore #but like yeah im a loser but i actualy didnt really have anything else even if i hated it there were at least some wrthwhile bits #i can never say if now is better or worse #but i dont know i think its reasonable to hold onto my memories they were me for so long #like even the unimportant memories #most of my life was those to be honest just random stuff happening i didnt really care about #without the stuff happening bit though