#yes i did cry a little bit

[skitskatdacat63]

Fernando Alonso & His Relationship With Cards

I'm sure we're all familar with the cards on the back of Fernando's Vegas GP helmet by now, but did you know his relationship with cards goes a lot deeper?

I. Magic Tricks

You've probably seen or heard someone at least mention Fernando's propensity for card tricks. As far as I can tell he was doing them(publically) as far back as 2003 all the way to as recently as 2018. Even once performing a card trick, with a condom and a teddy bear(!??!?!??!!), in front of Valentino Rossi who said "How was that possible?"(x)

But how did this start? According to James Allen, "Fernando admits to having been heavily influenced by his grandfather, a mercurial figure, who taught him magic and card tricks, still one of his passions away from the race track."(x) And I'm not sure the validity of this one, because I couldn't find an actual source, but apparently he once said: "My parents are responsible for the two things I like doing most - driving and magic tricks. They bought me my first go-kart and a magician's kit."

In several interviews he described it as his hobby off track, and that he loved learning new tricks and surprising others in the garage with them! So clearly cards are pretty important to him both as a hobby but also to who he is as a person since they've been with him just as long as racing has.

II. Card Symbolism in His Helmets

This is the reason I originally made this post, but I thought I should also explain the origins of his card fascination first. As I said, we probably all remember the cards on the back of his helmet in Vegas, but did you know that wasn't the first time he had cards on the back of his helmet?

From 2008-2013, he used to have a pair of cards on the back of his helmets. The symbolisms of the cards themselves as well as the evolution of their design is really fascinating to me! Even more so with the recent development of the card choice in 2023.

Fernando said he wanted to reference his two titles in some way on the back of his helmet and after his friend sent him several ideas, he decided on having two cards(an ace of clubs and an ace of hearts, sometimes pictured with 05 and 06 on them as well), saying: "I picked the cloverleaf [the ace of clubs - Ed] to give me luck, but the only pity is that it doesn't have four leaves!"(X)

2008.

Here's the very first appearance of the cards! They're displayed flat, with the 05 and 06 clearly visible

2009.

Very similar to 2008, but with a slightly different design, and they're maybe a bit more straight with less shadow?

2010.

This is the first major change! I was sad they didn't have the years on them anymore, but then I realized they're sparkly to match with his signature lightning bolts on the top of the helmet!!

2011.

Honestly I'm still somewhat unsure if this is the actual 2011 helmet? It's pretty difficult to find clear photos of the back of helmets from older seasons. It's easiest to find them on replica sites or auction sites so I'm not 100%? But anyways, I like that this has the championship years on the underside of the cards

2012.

This is when I started getting weirdly emotional about the helmets. Do you see how they've progressed from being a centerpoint to being curled up and sad at the bottom of the helmet? Not listing the year anymore??

2013.

Same thoughts as 2012. And after this season, they cease to exist (just like his ferrari chair in the garage, WOAH CALLBACK), until cards make a reeappearance in his Vegas helmet, albeit in a different form

2013 Monaco(Honorable Mention):

For some reason 2013 helmets were easier to find proper pictures of, so I happened to witness this absolute beauty. The creativity of this helmet genuinely blows me away??? Wanting to keep the card motif, but making sure to incorporate it into the rest of the puzzle piece design?? Mwah! There was another special 2013 helmet but they didn't change the cards at all so I really applaud this one

2023 Las Vegas(The Return of The King):

The magnificent return! But look! The cards are different cards! Instead of being two aces, it's now an ace of hearts, a four of hearts(his driver number of course!) and, the, now iconic, representation of himself as a Joker. I literally could not believe my eyes when this helmet was released and I saw the Joker card, what a fucking silly old man....I really wonder if he felt nostalgic having cards on his helmet again or if he didn't think about it all and was just like, "ah cards because Vegas!!!"

III. Why Does This Matter?

*The rest of the post was factual, this is moreso my personal thoughts on the symbolism of the cards/designs

This post spawned from me recently watching the 2010 Bahrain gp and noticing "hey wait a minute...are those CARDS ON THE BACK OF HIS HELMET!?" It's a really tiny detail that's unfortunately covered up by the HANS device pretty much whenever he's wearing the helmet, so it's really difficult to spot! But I became fascinated with the fact that he had cards on his helmet before that recent helmet, and now here we are!

There's something to me about how the design of the cards evolves over the course of six seasons from the cards being front and center to being smaller, more folded up and closer to the bottom of the helmet. As I said, the 2012-2013 ones genuinely made me depressed because it feels, symbolically, like his hopes for getting another Ace are becoming more and more unlikely and falling away until they eventually fall falt and fade away entirely after 2013 and disappear for basically a decade.

But when they return? They're not the same cards! Instead of representing Fernando's championships, they now represent him as a person, displaying his driver number and his persona of being a Joker!! Though I do think it's interesting he happened to keep the Ace of Hearts, even though he talked more about the Ace of Clubs before. I'm not sure it's actually this deep in reality, but I like to think that it's him not letting his championships(and the lack thereof) define him, but rather letting who he is as a person shine and be the centerpoint instead! But on a sadder note, as @suzuki-ecstar said to me, maybe the Aces aren't there anymore because he's lost all hope for a chance at a third Ace entirely :(

#yes its finals week and im up to my eyes in coursework but instead decided to spend like 5 hours researching and writing this post #nah bcs i actually genuinely put more work into this then I think I have all semester dsfjdskjg #that thing about him using a condom and teddy bear in a magic trick genuinely had me crying with laugher. actual tears rolling down my face #<- HOW!?!? WHAT WAS THE TRICK?? its literally inconceivable to me what he did. oh if only there were pics UGH #anyways!! this post was a lot of fun to make!! i really really love the symbolism and design of helmets so this was a rly fun project #and i also went down a lot of rabbitholes while make this and saw many very weird articles from yore #i feel like i make an equal amnt of deranged posts abt seb and nando but i dont know why nando is gifted w all my well researched projects #<- i.e. chair post. that was the same level of research as this one but at least this one i could find actual sources about.... #idk theres smth about the extremely long history of nando's history that evokes research posts like this KLAJSLSKDJ #theres just so much that i dont think I ever really see people discussing! so i must create. #haha what was that joke tag i wanted to make abt my researched posts? I think: #normal posts that catie normally makes in a normal fashion #<- one day ill go back and actually tag posts w that. bcs the amtn of research compared to my actual schoolwork is so unwell #fernando alonso #fa14 #f1 #formula 1 #catie.rambling.txt #we do a little bit of f1

[perelka-l]

Thinking about the way Pokemas made Archer smile around 478562498357 times a day. Gosh. Just. Gosh!!

#rocket executive archer #executive archer #I just sjghfierufvber #I may simp a little but i just think he is beautiful when he smiles sinisterly like this and pokemas did this and I cry tears a bit #yes #watch me and my fail art #pokemon #pokemas

[smallest-moon]

i choose to believe that gumshoe purposely took his notes there so that he can give actual information to edgeworth (even if it isnt much) and most importantly cheer him up

#ace attorney #detective gumshoe #miles edgeworth #gumworth #mine. #i need to cry a little again about gumshoe #because you know hes smart thoughtful and caring when it comes to edgeworth #maybe its a bit of a leap to some but i do believe in him #and im sure he did it on purpose #and i will never not be emotional about it #cause you just know edgeworth would never talk about things and gumshoe knows this so he finds other ways to support him #including asking phoenix for help #he knows their relation is different but you know hes always there #aaaa... im gonna make myself sad if i think too much about it #anyway gumworth superior ship and theyre going out for dinner together <3 #and yes im purposely ignoring jeans face

[elegyofthemoon]

well. i finished ch 17 of hi3. but at what cost

#avil plays hi3 #tbf majority of me playing through hi3 just looks like This. #yes the acheron trailer made me get up and finish ch 17 #i. :( #the fight between kiana and mei was so painful :( #ok also i suck ass in the combat and i was so scared of having to restart #BUT I THINK I HURT MORE THE FACT THAT KIANA JUST REFUSED TO GIVE UP ON MEI #BUT MEIS ALSO DOING THIS BECAUSE SHES TRYING TO SAVE KIANA #AND THEY WERE BOTH FIGHTING TO STOP AND TRY TO SAVE EACH OTHER #MEI YOU SAVED KIANA BUT LIKE..... DONT YOU WANT TO LIVE ALONGSIDE HER.... MEI PLEASE #tbh. the way i was going through ch 17 for hi3. #kiana and mei remind me a lot of oz and gil's relationship back in pandora hearts but #now it makes me want to hit my head on a brick wall because #'wow. i really just gravitate tO THE SAME FUCKING MEDIA EVERY DAMN TIME AVIL STOP IT FFS' #also idk i was thinking about it too #mei tried earlier to use the herrschers powers to try and protect kiana but it wasnt enough. she failed that time #and with no other option to save her she just HAD to and it makes me HURT that this was her only option #IN HER HEAD. I BELIEVE IN YOU MEI I THINK THERE COULDVE BEEN ANOTHER OPTION HERE (IDK WHAT BUT I AM SOBBING) #sprawls on the ground #at least i can have an emotional break for a little bit.... hsr update so i can chill w that #and then when i finish catching up w that. then i go back to being hi3's punching bag #can i get off this train now? why'd i sign myself up for this (welt yang doomed me and then i got fucked over by everything else) #idk also the way that both mei AND kiana resorted to using their herrscher powers to stop the other. two stubborn people.... #but its done because they just... they just care so much and want to save the other #okay yeah we did beat each other up about it bUT STILL #MEI I BELIEVE IN YOU YOU CAN TURN THIS AROUND 😭😭😭😭😭 #anyways. glad i did. i have the worst stomach ache rn so i was Going through it #but my brain hit a reset so i feel normal now. save for the crying

[possiblynya]

When in doubt, redraw your dnd party as animal crossing characters (again) 🥳

#dnd #oc #dungeons and dragons #dnd character #artists on tumblr #dnd party #ttrpg #Acnh #Animal crossing #Did I draw the same exact thing with my other dnd party three years ago literally to the day? #Yes I did #But hey. I sorely needed a project w minimal creativity involved bc boy howdy I haven't been feeling making art #This is helping me feel a little bit confident again lol #I've been itching to draw another animatic but every time I try I feel like crying bc it just seems so overwhelming :') #Despite the fact that I've made ones in the past that I still think look great!! #Ugh idk it's just frustrating to know what I'm capable of and to still not feel like I can do it. Anyways. Maybe over Xmas break #Strixhaven gang #<- gonna start using that tag for these fellas #oc respite

[the--highlanders]

do you guys KNOW how frustrated this thing makes me. like it's literally from the regiment that jamie would most likely have been in AND the story lines up so well with the plot of the highlanders and I'm just. constantly itching to retcon the episode a little bit in my head and make this the standard

but no!! the serial kind of depends on the standard being prince charles' rather than nust a regimental standard!!!! and it kills me every single day

#second doctor #jacobite ramblings #the OTHER thing that kills me is the ring. #having been given to kirsty's father 'in the heat of battle' #because i've placed the maclarens at kinkell castle #which supposedly hosted charles after culloden when he was on the run #whether or not that story is true i like the association #and i would love to swap it around in the dr who universe to him having stayed there before the battle #& the ring being something he gave to kirsty as a thanks for hosting #(which was quite common there is a Lot of jewellery in various collections given to ladies who hosted him) #(and other objects as well) #(not gonna talk about them here but i do love talking about them) #so it would make so much sense!!!! for kirsty to have the ring!!!! #but again the episode kinda hinges on the ring being charles' personal ring rather than a gift #screaming crying clawing at the walls. why won't this 60s tv show for kids squish neatly into historical realism. #for the sake of clarity i am being overdramatic about this but also i am a little bit pretentious and it does make me chew through concrete #anyway this post brought to you by me going to nms yesterday #was i technically there for a job interview? yes. #did that stop me from visiting the jacobite displays to say hello to my favourite objects and do a little bit of blorbo research? no. #if anyone was at nms yesterday & saw a little gremlin in a waistcoat taking pictures of highland wool spinning implements that was me <3

[rowenabean]

#the wedding was lovely and i am so sad #managed to get most of the sad out of the way Friday and Sunday so i could be glad for them on the actual wedding day #but still. i'm going to miss her. #we always talked about living together and we never did and now we probably never will #i've got a model of married folk living together in community but i don't think they do and it has to be something you choose #her family are lovely and i was really glad to meet her friends and cousins that she talks about so often but they don't really get it #they get to have her!!! she's moving somewhere that's more convenient for literally everyone other than me! (this is not hard to do) #really good to get home and hug my dad and my little sister and have people who are my people around #was actually really good at the reception that there were a few other folk from my current town - i wasn't the only person who was #mixed joy and tears #i said something about us giving her over in my speech and they said yes that's exactly how we're feeling #but it wasn't till her husband responded to that in his speech that i started crying #everyone has been so kind to me but it has been SO good to get home #hoping i can get a bit more sleep as well. emotions are bigger when tired even though they're real still #(her cousins invited me to come stay any time and tbh i can see that living in Auckland could be actually really nice if you live where they #do. but i couldn't live where they do and do the work i want to do it is quite far away from the places in Auckland i could imagine working) #rowena adventures #btw no photos of me currently but probably some later??? not that we took many the groom had been sick the previous week and was #still pretty wiped so they got like two photos with the bridal party and ten with just them and that was it

[fionnalovesanimeboys]

HELLO ???? WE'RE GETTING LOID'S BACKSTORY ?!!!

#Yes I know I am a bit behind don't judge me #I am buying the manga and just got volume 9 but omg I can't wait to read this one #I will prepare the tissues in case because we did see Loid's tiny little flashback how he was crying and it broke my heart #I am behind guys shut up #thankfully I did not get spoiled because I keep dodging those spoilers quite easily #but Imma ready for this 🙏 #spy x family

[rosesradio]

we really were seconds away. us ej stans got this close to getting to see a breakdown. and it has been snatched away from us once again. ships aside, ej nation how are we feeling

#With the eyeliner and messy hair When I Tell You #let the boy cry !! #that aside ofc i have like long rambly thoughts on the ep in my head but i'm just. i'm tired man #ofc i'm sad to see portwell break up. and yes i think their writing has been very weird. but gina did have some good points #ej was out there looking like a bond villain in the night though asdhkj when ricky and gina were talking outside #i have thoughts but they deserve their own post and not to be buried in tags #i'm happy to see seb again. sad that he was indirectly called stupid again. i bet he won't even be there for his bfs show #i'm sorry the jo siwa bit was weird. it just #kourtney's song was so good !! #their looks were all weird but i was digging it #why did jet and maddox sing a lover's duet #ricky's little 'yes sir' to ej i mean. come on man #i've been through the wringer i am. #not my sister still thinking there's a chance for jetwen lmao. believe me i wish #anyways #hsmtmts

[miss--river]

template by @holofishes

#Cyberpunk 2077 #Street Kid V #My V #My OC #OC: Phoenix #🐦 #is her character sheet boring? yes #did i make her flirty but terrible at seduction? yes #is she a little weird? yes #i love her unconditionally ok #she's a bit of a cry baby but she's great with a gun

[sicksucculentz]

Sea folk Jay AU tidbits TW: very very strong feelings descriptions

In this Au Jay was raised on the sea by his adoptive parents instead of a dessert junk yard. He has that goofy nautical accent that punctuates every part of his normal speech. He's brought up on an old, converted barge boat, hopping from island to island all over the sea. He lived as a drifter and shook hands with a lot of island natives.

He can speak very small bits and chunks of different islander languages.

As cool as his background is he's a very sad and depressed individual. I throw a lot of what I personally experience having spent my summers boating my whole life. I'm not near to his level but there are things I experience that have crushed me more and more over the years. He misses the sea, he misses the waves hitting the boat, the sand on his bare feet, the rocking of the ship at night while he's sleeping the songs the natives sing, the seagulls, and hollering into vast empty expanses of the sea. No one there to hear you scream, you can scream and yell anything you want when you feel overwhelmed. It eats him from the inside and drives him to hopeless tears((it sounds very personal, but like I've said I experience a lot of this. I've never met island natives or anything like that, but you do whole heart miss the water))

He's much quieter than cannon Jay. His voice is still very high pitched, but it has this sad weird slight lower tone mixed in there somewhere

He sings the native songs he's been taught when he feels homesick. It's not uncommon for the monastery to very suddenly fill with his voice carefully singing in another language. Everyone can hear it and he doesn't care less. No one ever stops him when he gets like that, often they even just sit and listen to way his voice sounds, so sad and like it's echoing. He knows a lot of dances as well. He moves with quiet grace, gliding over the ground below like he's floating.

His emotional target is right there, you almost see it right on his heart. It's a subject even Wu doesn't bring up, it's better if they just don't talk about it. even just the sound of a large boats horn can cause him to close off and appear both strong and crushed at the same time.

He spends a lot of time soaking in water, watching the water, swimming, and sleeping. The Bounty is a god send for him, it helps him feel more at home and it's not weird for him to spend a lot of his nights on the ship. He can often be found preforming singing and dancing by himself on the deck of the ship. Unless it's an emergency his team just waits for him to finish before speaking to him, he can't hear them even if they tried to speak to him, lost in his mind.

He's still VERY adept at mechanics and robotics sense he tinkered a lot with the scraps on the old ship.

Some of the songs and dances are used to worship the sea. He respects and worships the sea to the point it's almost paranoid.

Benthmoaar and the whole of the Merlopians scared him. He spent a huge chunk of his life out on the sea and ocean and to find out sea monsters are real, put him over the edge for a little bit. He and Benthomaar later became VERY close. Bethomaar referred to him as a "clam with a pearl". when asked what that meant he said Jay gets a grain of sand inside him, he closes off, and creates a pearl to rid that grain of sand, he then gives that gift of the pearl to his friends and family.

When Nya became a part of the ocean...Jay lost it. He vanished, took off, ran away. He couldn't do it anymore. He plunked himself right on that solitary island where Zane's father used to stay. Echo left some 2 years ago. He spent a whole year...missing. It was Kai who figured would where Jay was when Jay switched his phone back on after a year.

#ninjago au #ninjago sea folk au #ninjago jay #ninjago jaya #ninjago benthomaar #Yes I did cry a little bit making this #strong feelings

[astrxealis]

really want to read more and more literature (esp classics!) aghhhh yesterday iirc i was on a walk with my mom and twin and an old guy (not a weirdo dw) who was jogging or walking too actually asked what book i was carrying and it's a little funny bcs uhm he just went "oh a classic!" you see. i was carrying dante's inferno. which i still haven't properly started to read but anyways he might... if my mom is right... be the local parish guy so oopsies !! LMAO anyways yeah really interested in lovecraft for a while now! horror scares me and gives me paranoia but i also enjoy the writing of it? and i remember once that something/someone said my writing is kinda similar to his. hm.

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #i never talk about literature here but hi i grew up reading books and i really love literature. both fiction and non-fiction! admittedly i #less prefer modern books because i prefer classics and all that? and i kinda fucking hate people who only like boring and/or famous #literature lmfao fuck you but anyways putting my bitterness aside! arthur conan doyle with 'sherlock' of course & 'a dream within a dream' #dazai with 'no longer human' is something i think i'll really enjoy reading one day as well and hmm #i never properly read 'lord of the rings' despite my relative having the books and i borrowed it once? but didn't make the time to actually #read it unfortunately :(( 'the great gatsby' is something i also have yet to read and then jane austen's works! #and then. louisa may alcott ... i asked my mom right now about her books that we have/had and i did not fucking know we had #'little women' all this time holy shit. i remember reading 'a modern cinderella' but also i am unsure now... but yeah. that/those too! #shakespeare's works are of course a must-read hehe we do have 'the tempest' and i've read a couple of his works but only a little bit #either based off the knowledge i just. know. or for school back then! but yeah. you probably know his works already lmao <3 #and then uhmm 'phantom of the opera' we have now as well! bought it alongside yk. 'the tempest' 'inferno' 'paradise lost & regained' #a few months ago but tbh i haven't made it very far in reading any of them yet but i really want to sometime! and learn more guitar! #and get back to playing piano and also finish and play more games but anyways. yes. #george orwell's books! we have a few if i'm not mistaken (love my family fr) i really want to read them. my dad keeps recommending #his works for us to read. especially 'animal farm' but i've heard '1984' is really good. i also really want to read more of narnia! #only ever read the first book and wow it meant a lot to me tbh? with. growing up and all. and then i read a bit of another book hmm. #'to kill a mockingbird' was something i have wanted to read since i read 'the hunger games' as a kid because i for some reason connected #the two in a way because of the word mockingbird. and then uh other books that i don't think are as... classics. idk what are classics tbh. #BUT okay yeah i still haven't read 'a monster calls' but i know it made my twin and mom cry! and then 'the fault in our stars' we have but #i also haven't read it... haven't read the witcher books either and then george r. r. martin's stuff. tbf i'm not an adult yet so lmfao. #'the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy' i know my dad really wants to read and i know my tita has it but i'm not completely sure if we have #it ourselves too now? but yeah. really interested in that book as well. and then i have yet to read 'frankenstein' and then i'd love to #reread books from my childhood from authors like roald dahl !! and then man i should read more from #neil gaiman ... i've read his short stories? and a book. or few. i can't really remember. #anyways. okay. running out of tags but i really love literature ..... <3 #also want to read more of modern literature tbh! the ones that are actually good tho <33

[doomsdayradio]

YALL I GOT POSTED ON FDC BACK IN MY PRO-ENDO DAYS? 💀

#it was 7 months ago but goddamn hello!?!?!?!? #BRO I SAID OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE IT WAS A DISCORD SERVER FOR PEOPLE WITH PDS LMAO #''yOu caNt bE dIagNoseD WiTH DiD aS a mInoR'' literally YES YOU CAN IT FORKS FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA LMAO #*forms #ALSO WHY DO THEY KEEP GOING FOR MY DSYCALCULIA LMAOOOO #''thats an obsure one to fake'' or. and heres a thought. I JUST HAVE DSYCALCULIA 💀 #crying #idec enough to get it taken down thats just so fucking stupid qnd my heart did drop a little bit #words words words !! #🎰 #ableism tw #btw heads up we dont identify with monoconscious anymore and would rather people dont bring that up to us lmao #but non-possessive switching literally is a thing idk what theyre on about

[welcometogrouchland]

I will feel so tired that it's like my atoms are coming undone and I'm being made unreal...and then I will have a little chocolate treat and for 15 minutes I am whole and present again. Then the horrors

#ramblings of a lunatic #i remember feeling like this at the peak of my burnout and fatigue before #(also the same burnout and fatigue that took my interests and creativity and ground them into dust) #so I've concluded that i will just try and make it through the next two days as best i can (I GET FANCY RESTAURANT FOOD ON WEDNESDAY) #and then I'll just try to let my mental and physical health recuperate while finding excuses to hang w/ friends #cause that'll stave off thr madness of isolation #i wanna watch my shows and movies too and I'll finally be able to w/o guilt after the last exam :cries: #anyway. if you've noticed an uptick in me just sayin shit recently (in a way that may or may not be cause for concern) #it's bc I'm so close to getting out of the mines that having to wait any longer is driving me clinically insane #i wanna downplay the problem bc it's truly not that big a deal in some ways #but then i remembered that this is a) the longest I've gone w/o seeing my pals in like. nearly a month #and I've been at home doing the same stuff everyday for nearly a month too #and also IT'S THE FINAL EXAM I'M EVER GONNA DO BEFORE COLLEGE. IT'S A BIG DEAL MAN #so actually. yes I'm a bit of a drama queen but my slice of life problems have a place for mediation and bemoaning #but it's fine. bc we're gonna kill it #I'm gonna do sooooooo good on this test (<- manifesting) #it's. a little high pressure bc the last time i did a test for this subject (that I'm generally very good at) i majorly beefed it #but I've learned since then and I'm hoping. praying. also working hard but mostly hoping and praying #anyway. I gotta sleep soon bc i got so little sleep last night bc of the heat that i almost started crying at breakfast #LET'S GO LESBIANS (the lesbians are me. it's just me talking into a hall of mirrors)

[lucysweatslove]

You would think as a person who recovered from an ED I would learn NOT to weigh myself, like, ever, but of course I keep doing it because curiosity and it only causes distress.

#tw for the tags since it talks about weight #and tw for calories too #mainly because like this should be the lowest point for cycle and hormonal based weight #but somehow I’m up 1.2 lbs from last week #logical me is like yes you had a high salt day yesterday #but then I see the scales BIA basically pegged it all as fat gain #and then I see the whole plot since I’ve had the scale and it says my water weight % hasn’t changed in a range of 20 lbs #I’m trying a little bit to just feel better and wear clothes I feel comfortable in and stuff before school #I thought yeah if I work at it I can be down a little before rural clinic and more before white coat ceremony #but instead compared to 4 weeks ago I’m not even down a pound #I actually did try meticulous counting and weighing for the last two weeks #granted I still refuse to say no to social foods that I can’t be so meticulous about #but I really struggle to see how at my lean mass with how I’ve been eating vast majority of the time HOW even a day could mess it up #like when I’m eating ~1450 calories a day in average with 100g protein how is my weight not changing #especially when I’m lifting 2-4 hours a week and doing cardio for 2-3 hours too #keep in mind I am large rn and I do have decent lean body mass #like if I were to drop to 20% body fat but keep all my lean mass I would still be classified as overweight #so yeah it’s just frustrating #its not so much that I can’t accept my body as it is but that I know I’m being constantly judged on it and I don’t want to deal with that #anyway gonna go cry and consider making breakfast but bring too frustrated to actually cook

[themonsternest]

I very rarely get to use the kitchen since everything but the microwave is usually off limits to me, but I had an evening to myself last night and actually cooked for myself.

Threw together a really good and simple vegan garlic roasted mushrooms dish that I had with a glass of the Bill & Frank Beaujolais wine to enjoy last night’s episode of The Last of Us.

It was nice. <3

#I miss cooking for myself so much #Did I cry over it after I took the first bite yes I did just a little bit #It's the best I've eaten in a while~