I’ve mentioned this elsewhere but it feels relevant again in light of the most recent episode. Something that’s really fascinating to me about Orym’s grief in comparison to the rest of the hells’ grief is that his is the youngest/most fresh and because of that tends to be the most volatile when it is triggered (aside from FCG, who was two and obviously The Most volatile when triggered.)
As in: prior to the attack on Zephrah, Orym was leading a normal, happy, casual life! with family who loved him and still do! Grief was something that was inflicted upon him via Ludinus’ machinations, whereas with characters like Imogen or Ashton, grief has been the background tapestry of their entire lives. And I think that shows in how the rest of them are largely able to, if not see past completely (Imogen/Laudna/Chetney) then at least temper/direct their vitriol or grief (Ashton/Fearne/Chetney again) to where it is most effective. (There is a glaring reason, for example, that Imogen scolded Orym for the way he reacted to Liliana and not Ashton. Because Ashton’s anger was directed in a way that was ultimately protective of Imogen—most effective—and Orym’s was founded solely in his personal grief.)
He wants Imogen to have her mom and he wants Lilliana to be salvageable for Imogen because he loves Imogen. But his love for the people in his present actively and consistently tend to conflict with the love he has for the people in his past. They are in a constant battle and Orym—he cannot fathom losing either of them.
(Or, to that point, recognize that allowing empathy to take root in him for the enemy isn't losing one of them.)
It is deeply poignant, then, that Orym’s grief is symbolized by both a sword and shield. It is something he wields as a blade when he feels his philosophy being threatened by certain conversational threads (as he believes it is one of the only things he has left of Will and Derrig, and is therefore desperately clinging onto with both bloody hands even if it makes him, occasionally, a hypocrite), but also something he can use in defense of the people he presently loves—if that provocative, blade-grief side of him does not push them—or himself��away first.
(it won’t—he is as loved by the hells as he loves them. he just needs to—as laudna so beautifully said—say and hear it more often.)
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you were raised in comparison.
it wasn't always obvious (well. except for the times that it was), but you internalized it young. you had to eat what you didn't like, other people are going hungry, and you should be grateful. you had to suck it up and walk on the twisted ankle, it wasn't broken, you were just being a baby. you were never actually suffering, people obviously had it worse than you did.
you had a roof over your head - imagine! with the way you behaved, with how you talked back to your parents? you're lucky they didn't kick you out on your ass. they had friends who had to deal with that. hell, you have friends who had to deal with that. and how dare you imply your father isn't there for you - just because he doesn't ever actually talk to you and just because he's completely emotionally checked out of your life doesn't mean you're not fucking lucky. think about your cousins, who don't even get to speak to their dad. so what if yours has a mean streak; is aggressive and rude. at least you have a father to be rude to you.
you really think you're hurting? you were raised in a home! you had access to clean water! you never so much as came close to experiencing a real problem. sure, okay. you have this "mental illness" thing, but teenagers are always depressed, right. it's a phase, you'll move on with your life.
what do you mean you feel burnt out at work. what do you mean you mean you never "formed healthy coping mechanisms?" we raised you better than that. you were supposed to just shoulder through things. to hold yourself to high expectations. "burning out" is for people with real jobs and real stress. burnout is for people who have sick kids and people who have high-paying jobs and people who are actually experiencing something difficult. recently you almost cried because you couldn't find your fucking car keys. you just have lost your sense of gratitude, and honestly, we're kind of hurt. we tell you we love you, isn't that enough? if you want us to stick around, you need to be better about proving it. you need to shut up about how your mental health is ruined.
it could be worse! what if you were actually experiencing executive dysfunction. if you were really actually sick, would you even be able to look at things on the internet about it? you just spend too much time on webMD. you just like to freak yourself out and feel like you belong to something. you just like playing the victim. this is always how you have been - you've always been so fucking dramatic. you have no idea how good you have it - you're too fucking sensitive.
you were like, maybe too good of a kid. unwilling to make a real fuss. and the whole time - the little points, the little validations - they went unnoticed. it isn't that you were looking for love, specifically - more like you'd just wanted any one person to actually listen. that was all you'd really need. you just needed to be witnessed. it wasn't that you couldn't withstand the burden, but you did want to know that anyone was watching. these days, you are so accustomed to the idea of comparison - you don't even think you belong in your own communities. someone always fits better than you do. you're always the outlier. they made these places safe, and then you go in, and you are just not... quite the same way that would actually-fit.
you watch the little white ocean of your numbness lap at your ankles. the tide has been coming in for a while, you need to do something about it. what you want to do is take a nap. what you want to do is develop some kind of time machine - it's not like you want your life to stop, not completely, but it would really nice if you could just get everything to freeze, just for a little while, just until you're finished resting. but at least you're not the worst you've been. at least you have anything. you're so fucking lucky. do you have any concept of the amount of global suffering?
a little ant dies at the side of your kitchen sink. you look at its strange chitinous body and think - if you could just somehow convince yourself it is enough, it will finally be enough and you can be happy. no changes will have to be made. you just need to remember what you could lose. what is still precious to you.
you can't stop staring at the ant. you could be an ant instead of a person, that is how lucky you are. it's just - you didn't know the name of the ant, did you. it's just - ants spend their whole life working, and never complain. never pull the car over to weep.
it's just - when it died, it curled up into a tight little ball.
something kind of uncomfortable: you do that when you sleep.
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Ride 769: Danchiku's “escape”
Pag 1
1: Sohoku's number 5 jumped ahead! And he kept attacking!!
2: Number 4, Kaburagi, caught up to Doubashi who has been left behind!!
4: This is bad!! Pedal!!
Let's raise our pace!!
Pag 2
2: I won't let you get away, Chicken!!
Pag 3
2: No.... they're so fast!!
It's no use anymore, senpai!!
3: Get away Danchikuu!!
Pag 4
1: Yeah, Issa!!
Pag 5
1: 4km left until the sprint line!!
2: Don't underestimate him, San-na*!!
(*NdT.: Kaburagi is calling him that because when earlier he called him “Doubashi” with no honorifics, Doubashi corrected him saying “it's san, na” the 'na' is just and ending particle, but I decided to leave it in the nickname Kabu is using now)
3: Danchiku is strong!!
He's the kind of guy who once he makes a decision, he sticks to it!!
4: Buah!!
I'm not underestimating him
5: With that attack earlier I got that his “running” is no chicken!!
6: Haha, I told you from the start!! I told you “that's not true”!!
Pag 6
1: But “mentality” is another story!!
3: “Running” and “mentality”are different things, but two sides of the same coin!!
4: I'm chasing him like this!! I'm getting closer!!
That's the reality!! The situation!!
I'll swallow him
5: And even if I don't do anything, he'll make a mistake!!
6: Tch, this guy hit a nerve
7: Look
8: My pressure
Pag 7
1: Is rising!!
3: What's this
From behind me
4: It's the feeling of something dark and hug approaching!!
This is that guy's....!!
Seriously!?
Pag 8
1: But!!
Gaa
2: But I also came here fully prepared!!
ruaaagh
3: “Take care of that idiot”
4: Bamboo
6: Hop Shot!!
Pag 9
1: I'll leave him behind!!
2: Switch to a
3: higher gear!!
6: Dammit, instead of switching to a higher gear I switched to a lower!?
Such a stupid mistake!! In a moment like this!!
I'll switch to a higher gear now!!
8: Stupid mistake...? That's not it
Pag 10
1: Is my body reacting to Doubashi's pressure!?
Pag 11
1: Dammit!!
Don't turn around
2: San-na is going to move to pin Nagoya down, you go with him
This is the chance that
And then keep going like that!!
3: Issa managed to get for me!!
4: Don't turn around
He's getting closer, I can feel it on my skin!!
5: If I turn around his pressure will swallow me!!
Gaaagh
6: Dammit... so this is the Inter High?
Pag 12
1: This is Hakone Academy's Doubashi Masakiyo!!
2: Chicken.... your pedaling got all messy
Pag 13
1: He's coming closer!!
2: I'm gonna get swallowed!!
4: It's over
After all you really are a chicken
Pag 15
2: A white pressure... Issa!!
3: Danchiku, since it's you, you can do it!!
I'm sure of it, so run without hesitation
4: After all you're
Pag 16
1: Team SS..... Special Strong!!
Higaruaaagh!!
Pag 17
1: I'll take it, Issa!!
2: Higaruaagh!!
Dammit, what happened, he came back to life!!
3: What did you do, Orange
4: I raised it too
Pag 18
1: My pressure, to tell him “if it's you, you can do it”!!
2: I am “team SS”!!
3: I can do it!!
Garuaagh!!
4: Hahaha, if you don't hurry he'll get away, San-na!!
That's called Panda Shout!! That acceleration is terrific!!
5: Talking like that is your strategy to get me to use up my legs, Orange!!
Hahaha of course, you've finally noticed!!
Pag 19
2: I've noticed from the start, though
Is-is that so!?
Well, can't be helped. My plan to defeat him by using pressure alone was a failure
This time I'll use my legs
3: I'll show you my running that I've tempered thoroughly this past year!!
4: The sprint is now down to us three
As expected, there's no one who can catch up to us from there!!
Pag 20
1: In that group behind us!!
2: Pedal more
Let's catch up to them before they get out of sight!!
Gallop!!
Mokkosu!!
4: From behind us, another.... two people!?
Are catching up!?
5: It's two guys from the selected team!!
Pag 21
1: I'm so glad, we caught up with the lead!!
We were pulled by Doubashi-san but we got tore off a little later
You worked hard, you two!
Yeah, somehow!!
2: The leader of our team, Sugimoto-san, negotiated with Doubashi-san fro us
3: Our number has increased so we still have a chance!!
We'll chase Sohoku and Hakogaku that are ahead
Yeah!!
And we'll fight for the green number bib!!
4: Alright, senpai, I'll pull
“Two people” who caught up?
No
5: There's one more person!!
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