I think a large part of why I have issues writing JGYs feelings about his mom is like. How little we see of her directly or how basically everything we learn is from JGYs pov in some way. Which isn't, unique to her. It's just that. Maybe the problem is more of a personal issue I can't seperate from how I think about the possible ways to interpret their relationship.
Because on one hand I do not think MS was a bad mom or didn't love her son and I'm not trying to be like. Everything we learn should be doubted. That also doesn't make any sense because we simply do not have other canon to rely on. So what's the information we can take as truth-isk yk.
I guess the issue is actually that I can't stop being aware of how having a parent who everyone already expects the worst of influences how you'd see them. And not even in a "he's lying on purpose" way. Just. It's almost impossible for him not to see the absolute best of her in those circumstances?
Because the thing is if one of your parents is not there (and seems to be a shit person from what you know, and this is later confirmed), but more importantly, the one you have, clearly loves you. And is trying her best.
But. She fails sometimes. She fails to protect you and you don't want to tell her because it makes her sad and she's already so desperate and she has so much to deal with and she puts everything she has into keeping you safe. How can you tell her she failed.
And you want to protect her but nobody things you should be able to do that. Both because you shouldn't be allowed to fight back and because she is not seen as someone worth protecting.
And! Everyone, everyone in the world, your entire life. Is expecting her to be unreliable. To be an incompetent mother, specifically, in the sense of. What basis does she have to teach her child gentlemanly arts. What power does she have to protect or provide for someone. What right does she have. She's nothing.
Which means that to convince anyone she's anything. You have to go the complete opposite direction. She's perfect. She's the smartest, most eloquent and loving and capable mother in the world. Nobody will understand her intent if you even breathe a word of resentment, nobody will give either of you the benefit of the doubt, so if you want to keep the person you love safe, if you want any chance at the world understanding the love she had for you, that she did try - she has to be perfect.
You have to talk about her as if she was perfect. To want to dedicate everything to her. Not even a shadow of a doubt can be allowed to pass, and the most convincing lies are the ones you convince yourself of. Especially if you have to maintain them your entire life, against a world just waiting for you to slip.
If MS is to get any chance at being remembered as the woman she was, at being honored (and so a chance at a better next life) you must maintain that she was perfect. Not only perfect herself but specifically, perfect at raising you, to be the perfect gentleman.
JGYs drive to be infallible and put together and the airtight image of a perfect gentleman has as much to do with him as a living example of her work (and therefore her character, her ability to fulfill a role not allowed to her, assumed she would fail at) as it does him.
Which makes me think. Well two things actually. One - his relationship with his mother was not necessarily as good as it initially seems, for the simple fact that if it were not we would never know. And people generally aren't as perfect as the unreachable ideal they're held to, and this doesn't mean they're secretly horrible people either.
Second, the lifelong role of not just having to prove his mother's humanity, but to be a living example of it. Especially when the chance at his father coming back (to rescue them both, their only chance at getting out) rested on him being the perfect gentleman. So good and useful and respectable that his birth would not matter (that he'd be worth saving, that his mother would be honored for raising him). That had to be a fuckton of pressure. A really stressful and mind-fucky thing to task a child with.
At the same time! I'm not saying the scenario or the preassure are MSs fault or that she was cruel to do this! But also at the same time. She had to become a manifestation of this push to be perfect. Which society and shitty circumstances caused, and necessitated. But. If she wanted her son to ever be safe, to ever have a chance at a better life. This is all she could do. This was done out of love for him. This was also, a lot to put on a child and probably gave him lifelong problems™. It wasn't her fault. She was the cause. She wasn't. She loved him. He was part of a plan. He wasn't.
But none of that nuance is ever going to matter to anyone! Everyone will only take it as proof that MS (and her son) are exactly as dirty and opportunistic and undignified as they're expected to be (which makes it okay to hurt them for it). So. JGY can never breathe a word of it. Even in his own head.
MS wasn't a perfect mother. She might not have been anything close. But. She wanted to be a good mother, and she loved her son. And if any of that was going to matter, to mean anything.
MS is a perfect mother. Because she has to be.
3 notes
·
View notes
Earlier was playin some would u rather game with my siblings n one thing on one the would u rather cards was like 'you can only ever talk bout politics w ur family' n my brother was like. I mean we're all liberal that would weed out the weak links. N I had to be like no dude we are not liberal at this point like I'm a fucking anarchist dude we're beyond liberalism
5 notes
·
View notes