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#you are not a failure

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but whatever you are struggling with, whatever you are feeling, whether you are diagnosed or not, have any logical reason to be feeling how you do or not, you are valid. You have every right to be feeling however you are feeling. It’s okay. It’s okay not to be okay. Please remember that you are not alone. There are people in your lives who care about you and are so glad that you are in their lives. And they may be the people you’d never expect, like a random person across the world hoping that a post on Tumblr will make you feel loved for little while. Take care of yourselves. You deserve it. I hope that every one of you has a peaceful day or night today and that the pain passes soon.

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Another mental health awareness month has come to an end. One challenge that a designated period presents, is that it can be hard to navigate for people who struggle to function in a neurotypical culture. It’s hard to parse all the virtue signaling or things folks say just to just participate in the theme of the month. To get ready for all the people to check in once in November, and then abandon them when that dynamic is so stressful they’d rather not have that person check in at all. It can be stressful to interact with people who are well intentioned, but lack an awareness of what being supportive means. It means they may dismiss the idea you have a neurological difference because they view a diagnosis as a defect instead of a part of neurodiversity.

This dullness may not happen, but if that’s the case, it doesn’t have to be forever. It can be a stepping stone towards building cognitive habits and disciplines you need to reduce your dosage. It can be the phase you needed to rewire your neurons. You may be able to build the structures you need to be medication free in a couple years instead of decades.

There are some neurological conditions that make it impossible to do certain things. One can learn the skills to work around that, and make the impossible, possible.  but for many people it’s like trying to learn calculus while bench pressing 200 pounds as someone keeps sticking a needles in your foot and telling you that you have no value and would be better off dead. For me that is not a question of whether or not I could learn calculus like that. It’s whether or it I should.

There are simple things I intend to do every single day and just cannot do them when I’m not on meds. I will beat myself up, tell myself I am a waste of a human life, and a burden to everyone, because I can’t do the even most basic things. I can’t do for those around me what I absolutely believe they deserve from me, and I don’t even have the language to explain why the most simple tasks are next to impossible. How it just looks like me being inconsiderate and selfish. How climbing Mount Everest would genuinely be easier than, say, mailing a letter. 

That’s not an exaggeration. I mean there are chemical differences that make a simple mundane task more difficult than something that includes tangible stress, urgency, extreme physical challenge, and in a distraction free environment. Obviously I’d fail at climbing Mount Everest as an untrained mountain climber, but I would engage with the activity. Taking three coffee cups off the nightstand and putting them in the dishwasher?  Without medication, that might happen if I think about it every day for the next… 2 years. Ok, that one is an exaggeration, but it would be quite a while.

I feel very proud as I watch my friends make life plans and conquer the world, as I formulate my own elaborate 36 step plan to ensure I brush my teeth today. 

If anyone identifies with any of that, to any degree, I just want you to know that you’re not alone. Yes, I also set myself 26 alarms and nine reminders and still did not make it to the post office yesterday. Or the day before that. Or the day before that. Yes, I also don’t know what to tell my family about why I don’t reciprocate birthday cards. Yes, I also feel like I am doing my best to hide and perform happiness and high function.

Have you gotten so good at it you’re afraid people think the performance is the really of how you are doing, and that mentioning your struggles would be seen as being attention seeking or melodramatic? Hey, me too, and I also feel this paradox:  Wishing somebody knew, yet embarrassed that if anyone really new, they wouldn’t know where to begin to support me and I wouldn’t know what to tell them. Yes, you and I both share that fear, that it will only end with a loss of dignity and to be treated like that unstable neurotic friend that folks keep at arms length and never expect much out of. That you’ll be stuck at the “kids table” of life and never be invited to anything that counts. And “me too” about… a lot of other and darker things we won’t get into right now.

We can spend a lot of energy juggling all of these difficult concepts and throwing the balls up so high in the air we don’t realize The massive amount of energy we are blowing through to just make it through each day. We can’t see them all at one time and realize, no one on the earth should have to do all of that alone. No one on the earth can do all of that alone. You are not a failure to seek help.

You are not a failure to seek help.

You are not a failure to seek help.

You are not a failure to seek help.

You are not a failure to seek help.

To stay afloat we keep juggling but if we stopped we would see it fall to the ground and say, “Holy shit I’ve been trying to manage hundreds of emotional, intellectual, psychological, spiritual, and physical burdens that the people I compare myself to …simply don’t.”  The reason I feel feel like I am at the razor’s edge of losing everything, is because I am trying to do something nearly impossible, and perhaps absolutely impossible to do on my own.

You are not a failure to seek help. You are not dishonoring your body or your mind to take a medicine. You’re not a failure if you need to talk to a psychiatrist. You are not a failure if you believe you have neglected your whole life, for your entire life.  Because I know how hard it is to just make it through the day and still be alive. I know how hard it is to wake up every morning knowing you’re going to make it through this day, by the skin of your teeth, again.

That’s not your fault. The hundreds of things you have to conquer in your mind to make it through every single day - that’s not your fault and I need you to know that I am so. goddamn. proud of you. I’m proud of you because this fight is absurdly difficult. I hope you can trust me in that because at this point I’m an an expert in this fight.  I’m an expert at putting in every last drop of my effort and willpower, just to tie my shoes, get in the car, and drive to work. This fight is not a fair fight. You’ve been fighting an incredibly unfair fight, if not always by yourself, often by yourself …and that is why I am so goddamn proud of you. 

I am more proud of you than I am of billionaires. I am more proud of you than those people who get to live laugh love their dream life and get paid to travel the world and sample ice cream for their ice cream travel blog. I’m proud of you because I know what you have to do to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you don’t get to sample the ice cream flavors of Bangladesh for doing so. 

So I want you to know, again: it’s okay to seek help. It can be a difficult road but I recommend professional help. Some wonderful spiritual books and friends can’t often fight that incredibly unfair fight.  You are a specific person and a mental health practitioner will be able to understand your specific needs and make adjustments as needed. 

I can’t promise you that I will give you exactly what you’re needing but I am here if you need to reach out and want to know more about getting help. I can promise, that if your friends fail to support you in the ways that you need, it’s not because they don’t love you, it’s because they are not professional supports. They haven’t trained for this. Seeking professional support is the way that we begin to believe we are not a burden to our friends and family. 

Even when you never were, it’s the same feeling of asking loved ones casually about some car issues for years, tinkering with your engine for years, then hiring a mechanic. There’s no one in your life who will shame you for seeking a mechanic and you might be amazed at how quickly your car begins to drive more smoothy. 

Anyone who talks negatively about medication, therapy, psychiatry, etc. do not have your well-being in mind.  they are sales people for their own ideologies. It’s not about you it’s about how you should take natural medicine or trust Jesus. There are people who would rather you buy some supplements and remain miserable than to see a professional and be shown that professional help does make a real difference.  it’s best to avoid those folks for a little while.

You are not a failure to seek help.

I am more proud of you billionaires and  professional ice cream tasting supermodels. 

You are fighting a battle you do not deserve to fight alone.

You are absolutely positively not alone.

You’re not a failure to seek help.

Things can get better.

Things will get better.

In the darkest places, reasons to try, to go on, to keep living, are often often nonexistent. I don’t want you to have any hope that things will change. I’m asking you to place a tiny sliver of trust in these things I’m saying. The best recent to do something different and to seek help is going to be, for no reason. The voices in your head will try to stop you and you must tell them, “there is no reason I’m doing this. But I am still going to do it.” Hope will betray you. Friends and family are not professional supports and will let you down because they don’t have any training.

I just want you to place that sliver trust in how I know road will get smoother. Things will get easier. Seeking help is not failure. I’m not asking you to hope I know this. I am asking you to trust that I notice. And I’m asking you to please keep on seeking help even though the help feel sometimes. The system may be broken but system can be a crucial part love you reconnecting with yourself and your inner resources so that you can create your own path of healing.

I’m so incredibly proud of you. thank you for reading all of this and if you choose to, thank you for placing that sliver of trust in these things I’m saying. And if you can’t do anything else, keep being around people you feel good around. The people that do you feel excepted and listen to with, and if you don’t have any of those let me know and I’ll make sure you do. 💛🤍🖤💛🤍🖤

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Oh I love depression…not

So my depression is back in full kriffing swing after a couple months of relief. And I hate it.

My personal hygen is shit, my sleep schedule is fucked up to the point I actively consider pulling all nighters to get on track again, I have self deprecating thoughts, tho I firmly stay away from anything that includes self harm/suicide. I’m proud of that cause I don’t want to hurt myself plus I’m already hurting due to the depression and anxiety

I am either fine and just numb for the day or it’s an active war between me crying and not crying.

I do have things I look forward to tho. Playing D&D with friends whether I’m DMing or playing it’s a fun way to forget for a couple hours But here’s the thing. Since I leave with my parents (I don’t have a job and I’ve been searching but haven’t gotten hired but I do things around to house to help out) they have stated that on the week days that if I don’t get up and out of bed at a certain time then I can’t play D&D. And if I don’t get up on time and it’s cancelled cause of me I beat myself up even more cause the one thing that I go for and helps I can’t do.

Oh and lemme tell you what happens if I wake up on time and people pull out last minute (especially with games I’m hyped for), I immediately get sucked down into a hole and just curl up in bed under my weighted blanket and try to distract myself from my crushing sadness. I mean I know it happens, no schedule is perfect but still.

I just…I’m sick of the depression and anxiety. Like all I do is question who I am, try not to cry, and try to keep myself from falling further down the hole.

It’s almost been a whole year since I almost self harmed in my college dorm with scissors. I don’t expect a miracle to happen and it fixes itself overnight but…I don’t think I’ll be the same person again, I’ll probably come close to who I used to be but never fully.

And for those who are having trouble with the same thing, I have a message:

Keep fighting. Reach out to family, friends, counselors, someone to help you. Find others like you. Be around people who make you smile. Find a good book to immerse yourself in. Color in a coloring book. Write your thoughts down. Write creative ideas down. Identify what makes you anxious or what makes you break down or what makes you fall into the dark.

You’re not alone. I know I’m not alone. My sister fights depression, my father fights depression, my D&D friends fight with depression. Sure you might feel alone but you aren’t. You are not alone in the darkness.

Well. That’s all I got. But I need to take my own damn advice so with that I’m going back to coloring at 4 am

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Here’s to the fans who haven’t told their parent/guardian/mentor that they have a fandom because they are afraid of rejection.

Here’s to the fans whose parents/guardians/mentors don’t support fangirling/boying.

Here’s to the fans who cannot openly talk about their fandom at home.

Here’s to the fans who can’t tell friends about their fandom in case word reaches their parent.

Here’s to the fans who have no one to discuss ideas or headcanons or art or fics with.

Here’s to the artists whose parents believe fanart is a waste of talent.

Here’s to the fic writers whose homophobic parents believe all fanfiction is gay and sexual and wrong.

Here’s to the gif-makers and screencappers whose parents say they spend too much time watching ’terrible’ shows.

Here’s to the fans who aren’t allowed to get a tumblr.

Here’s to the younger and newer fans who think they chose the wrong fandom because no on has heard of it (a fandom is never too small as long as you are there)

Here’s to the older fans who are in the same fandom as younger fans and are never sure if they should be there (you are always welcome where you support each other)

Here’s to the fans who got interested in the fandom through something completely random and have no idea why they’re here, but at least they are enjoying themselves.

Here’s to the fans who spend their precious free time searching for other fans.

Here’s to the fans who will never meet their fandom friends on the other side of the world, but you’re still friends all the same.

Here’s to the fans who do not have the money or the support to see the next episode or movie or book or comic when it comes out, who wait for it to become old news and free.

Here’s to the fans who are accused of not using their creativity, especially when they just completed/published their best work yet, only the accuser doesn’t know.

Here’s to the fans who do not know how to contribute, who haven’t discovered their talent yet. Keep trying, you’ll find yours, but remember that commenting is always more than enough.

Here’s to the fans who are lonely.

Here’s to the fans who are afraid the fandom is dying.

Here’s to the fans who cry because Feels™.

Here’s to the fans who can only express themselves through a fandom that no one sees.

It’s okay if almost no one knows. It’s okay if your contribution is barely seen.

You are valid. And you are not alone.

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