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#you die all dramatically

i cant imagine being a t/erf like imagine you’re literally evil for real and have horrible morals and views and everyone tries to tell you this and you cover your ears and go “LA LA LA IM RIGHT YOURE WRONG” and only surround yourself with like-minded people who are just as bad to the point where often your blog themes and attitudes center around “everyone thinks i’m a horrible person and i see nothing wrong with that because I’m better than all of you and also i’m right” when really if someone tells you that you’re being vile maybe you should concern yourself with whether or not they’re right as opposed to thinking your logic is infalliable. the brain damage. the worms living rent free in your skull. you have to have mud between your ears you have to. yes i am swinging a barbed-wire bat at a hornet’s nest right now

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One the one hand it’s really fucked how nobody is talking about how cases of domestic violence has risen massively ever since lockdown occurred, but on the other hand I’m kinda glad since I know it’d just be twisted to make it seem that people only horrifically abuse when forced to isolated to literally save lives

#domestic abuse, #abuse, #quarantine, #whilst isolation does make your mental health worse since socialization is important and part of our biological coding...., #.... what I'm specifically talking about is how certain ignorant bastards would twist these facts just so that they can leave the house, #despite the fact that people are literally dying due to a killer virus, #(also apparently the number of infected people in the UK has accidentally been screwed since it was too big to record?? hello??), #like perhaps instead of seeing this as an excuse to leave the house.... maybe.... just maybe.... it's a sign that we need to tackle the, #cause of what makes people abuse esp to such a severe degree and teach people to not do it instead of ignoring it like usual, #tho lets be honest nobody cares and will do anything because that requires some major self-reflection by those in power, #since they have a firm control of media and the masses - in other words they tell you what's right and wrong, #bleh sorry my brain is garbled noise atm so I probably don't make any sense right now but it's such a fucked up thing that's going to get, #ignored like usual in favour of dramatizing lesser things like how people aren't listening to guidlines, #not like they're any good since they also list some really questionable stuff too, #like?? making the pubs and restaurants still open?? hello?? what??, #politics and quarantine and other stupid yet serious stuff is hard to think about and articulate well because of stupid stuff, #just know that it's all stupid but serious and I wish it doesn't exist since practically everyone in the world is suffering, #tho hey T**mp might die so that's something to celebrate!
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now that i’ve moved out of the ICU into a service room, it’s time for an ✨explanation post✨ even though i’m pretty sure that most of you know what happened already

i got hospitalised after a suicide attempt by trying to overdose. i half expected myself to die, half didn’t. i’ve tried this before and although this time was triple the amount, i knew it still probably wasn’t enough to kill me but just give me the break that i needed from “life” (in general) and maybe force my parents to finally get me help.

right now i’m better. they’re keeping me for a few more days until they think i’m in a stable enough to be send home (we’re expecting it on monday) so you don’t need to be too worried anymore, i’ll hopefully be alright.

thanks for the love and care and support over the past few days. i love you all, take care ❤️

#now for some of my thoughts during my stay in the tag ramble, #when i was still in the ICU the doctors and nurses were quite surprised as most of the people in there are old dying people and the young, #people are mostly in critical condition and mostly die within a day they arrive at the ICU, #they all look through my charts and papers and they all ask me why did i do it, #the question of the week was ‘why’. ‘why did you do it’ ‘why did you end up here’ ‘you look so young why are you sad’, #even visitors constantly ask those questions, #and most of the time i just kind of awkwardly laugh it off or say some vague thing like ‘i was sad about many things’ but they all assume, #that one dramatic (or in some adult cases trivial) thing happened and i was so upset and foolish that i did it, #i can’t exactly explain to them that it was a whole life of trauma and two years of depression and anxiety and so many other problems that, #lead me to this decision and all i wanted was just a break. that’s it. i wanted to stop living for a few days. it was just getting way too, #much and i can’t quite hold on for anything anymore. life felt meaningless and a painful trudge that seems so endlessly long but, #so helplessly short at the same time and no matter what happened i’ll just end back up in this endless loop of low and sad and awful days, #that i’ll never get out of until i eventually stop trying. im always so numb but so sensitive at the same time and my brain just constantly, #switches between no emotions whatsover to overwhelmed with every single emotion at the same time and everyday is just filled with dread and, #anxiety for the next that i can no longer take it. i was so deperate for a day off that i decided to play a bet on my life that no matter, #which way it goes. i’m going to get my break. either for a few days or forever. i know it was a selfish action and i know some people would, #be mad at me but if they didn’t care about me when i was still alive then they have no rights to be upset about my death. i know i also made, #a lot of people worried but honestly i’m quite afraid to get better now because i realised they’ll just go back to not caring about me once, #i say that i’m fine again. well- i guess i’ll enjoy it and appreciate it while it lasts... or i just really crave attention idk, #i feel guilty when i make people worry and they have to care about me like i’m wasting their time but then i feel bad when no one does aha, #i just really dont want to be left alone and abandoned and im constantly afraid that the more people know that im a fuck up the more they, #will leave and distant themselves from me the more they realised that im a fuck up which is what happened with my irl friend group, #at first i was mad at myself then at them but now im just sad that things had to result to this weird mess that we call ‘old friendship’, #ah well anyways that got derailed but i doubt anyone actually make it here but if you did i love you stay hydrated and have a lovely day <3, #tw suicide, #tw suicide mention, #tw suicide attempt, #tw overdose, #tw hospital, #ask me to tag
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