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ash-says · 2 days

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Being in touch with your sensuality:

On today's episode of ash-says we are going to talk about how to get in touch with your sensuality. Personally it's something I am very passionate about and kind of indulgent too.

Sensuality helps me in feeling alive and in tune with myself. I can't guarantee it for everyone but for me it works wonders. It's like the "Amrut" or "rejuvenating water" (for a lack of better terms) for me. Along with that it's the most healthy way for expressing my sexuality and keeping it in control to not let it affect my day to day functioning.

Here are some ways I incorporated in the last five years of my life to be in touch with my sensuality:

1) Exercise: No matter what I am going to vouch for this always. The way it helps me in expressing the surplus energy and controlling my desires is a chef's kiss. Plus helps in tackling the sluggish feeling.

2) Dance: Especially the slow sensual seductive dance. Not only it's a good outlet but above all that it validates the emotions and creates a space to delve in it to create a beautiful synchronisation with the body movements.

3) Art: Create! Create! Create! Nothing better than creating beautiful art or writing poems, stories,etc to voice your passion for the world and it's offerings.

4) Music: I have playlists on Spotify that specifically cater to my sensual mood. It has all the songs that can set a tone for the bedroom (iykyk). Singing to it or dancing works wonders. It's a magical experience.

5) Meditation: You can meditate on those feelings to internalize it and put all that energy in proper use for achieving a goal,etc. This is something I very rarely do because I am a very active person but putting it out here cause it works for some people.

6)Play Barbie: This is my personal favourite. After all I am just a girl. I put on some makeup, wear a bold sexy outfit or a cute dress (depending on the mood) then spend my time reading a romance novel and listening to sensual songs. It's my kind of therapy🦋🦋

7) Be a model: Being all dressed up but not clicking any photos you got to be kidding me!!! Come on girl! Pose and click! You are not going to be this young again. The best thing I do is this. It literally helps in skyrocketing my confidence. I don't click pictures daily but boy when I do, God forbid!!

8) Unlearn the shame: The basic one. You need to own your body first and appreciate it. I know saying is easy but hey you won't get there if you never start.

9) Imitate things that you find sexy: I will explain this with an example, so I find laying on the bed on my chest with my legs dangling in the air extremely sexy so when I am alone I will lie on the bed in that way as a way of expressing. Secondly, we all know sipping wine while reading a book is incredibly sexy while being dressed all slutty but I don't consume alcoholic beverages so as an alternative I drink pomegranate juice. Plus I find pomegranate as the sexiest fruit for obvious reasons.

10) Invest in things that make you feel sensual and seductive: It doesn't need to be costly. Find your sexy and invest!! For me it's aroma candles, jewellery, deep neck tops, skirts, ribbons, art honestly I have developed a knack to turn any ordinary thing into something seductive atp I feel. Everything works for me. So exploreeee!! If you are experimental enough and don't have parental risks you can try out sex toys too.

That's all for today's show on ash-says. Stay tuned for more illegal tricks and explosive opinions.

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nondualiber · 10 hours

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real useful things i've realized about loa while i was "resting" from tumblr & overconsumption:

• stop gaslighting yourself, make actual change instead. you know when you're not doing it right. if you spiral, get desperate, dwell in the old story... well, i've got some news. -- this might seem obvious but for me it wasn't. i was super desperate, giving like 1 step forward 50 steps back but i still played blind bc i thought that if i just said "oh no but my mindset doesn't matter" that would solve all my problems. damn

• WHAT WORKS FOR YOU. ik EVERYONE says this but omfg. i can NOT stress this enough. actually find what works for you. i used to think that my key (decide once n keep going with my day) was not a "correct" way to do it bc it made "no sense" or wtv, but now i've manifested a lot of things with that method & i'm so proud of myself for doing so :,,) wdym with "works for you"? whatever makes you confident enough to not spiral, to believe you actually have what you want, to not pay attention to the 3d & doesn't make manifesting feel like chore but something that comes naturally for you is the correct way to do it. trust your feelings, your intuition, yourSelf; they don't lie

• work on your manifesting concept, a.k.a trust in law. we talk a lot about "self" concept but not about "manifesting" concept. for me, i (kind of) believed i could manifest, i just didn't believe 100% in law. i still don't, but i've gotten considerably better!! my best tip to build trust in law was to start manifesting things that were "easier", more archivable, but not happening on a daily basis so i'd know if it was my manifestation turned reality

• stop consuming. not over-consuming but just consuming, literally. don't read neville, don't open tumblr, don't listen to edward nor any other coach! again, this one was obvious to everyone but me. trust me, you already know everything you need. "but i actually put in practice what i read!" yeah, but which one? you read 100 methods everyday. consuming is thinking from the 3d, and long-term it will demotivate you. trust me

• and last one, forget about deadlines. "when will i have it?" now. "where?" here. now and here. keep that mindset, and tbh in one week it'll be done

#4d reality #affirm and persist #it girl #law of assumption #law of attraction #loablr #manifesation #manifesting #neville goddard #shifting #edward art #loa blog #loassumption #loa tumblr #success story #mindset #manifestation #sammy ingram

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miyamizuna · 1 day

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How about sweet Tadashi Yamaguchi? He's current concern is that all cute girls that come over to talk always just want to talk about Tsukki... How about some girl finally changes it?

OMG OMGOMG I LOVE HIS CURRENT CONCERN ITS SO CUTE.

this isnt exactly hcs.. i jus thought this would be such a cute mini fic

wait… YOU MEAN ME?

ft. yamaguchi tadashi w.c: 689 warnings: literally none just fluff also female reader

Yamaguchi Tadashi, many words can be used to describe him; shy, unconfident, and the boy who's always with Tsukishima. It's because of this unconfident nature that caused him to always think that every girl to come up to him does not want to talk to him, but rather Tsukishima. His theory was proved right after girls only wondered where to find Tsukishima. Perhaps he wished it was the other way around; that girls would talk to him instead of Tsuki, maybe even girls talking about himself to Tsuki.

"Um, excuse me!" a voice calls out to Yamaguchi as he stops in his tracks down the hallway. The voice was one of a girl. Taking that into consideration, he used his usual reply;

"Tsukishima is in the library," he stated as he turned around to greet the voice that called out to him.

His eyes meet one of a very pretty girl as he feels his face getting flustered. Yup, this girl is definitely looking for Tsuki he thinks as he continues to look at her.

"huh? Why would I be looking for Tsukishima?" The girl tilts her head in confusion as she looks at him with a questioning look.

"O-Oh I'm sorry! Is there anything you need?" He replies with a stutter as his. "...Or did you even need anything?" he adds to his previous question out of clear nervousness.

The girl just simply smiled at him, she played with the hem of her skirt with her left hand; her nervousness clear as day.

“Well, I suppose you could say I needed something from you.” she then averts her eyes, from his, as a rose-tinted blush appeared amongst her cheeks. “ I would like to get to know you better.”

Yamaguchi is taken aback by her statement. What girl would want to get to know more about him? Isn’t Tsukishima the interesting one between the two of them? He knew his whole thought process surrounding girls stemmed from his self-confidence issues. Even on the volleyball team. He is the only one of the 1st years who isn’t a starting member. How can someone like him be appealing to a girl?

“Hey! Are you okay..?” The girl says now placing a hand on his cheek to feel his temperature. “Oh no! You’re burning up.” she lets out as her face softens into a worry.

How long had he spaced out? Did he completely short-circuit? Did he say someone he wasn’t supposed to say?

“I-I’m fine!” he manages to get out after his mini panic. Just then the girl takes her hand off of his cheek and sighs in relief.

“I’m glad that you’re okay! You had me worried for a bit!” she tells him, expressing her worry in her tone of voice. “Oh! I should tell you my name! I’m (l/n) (y/n).” she with her cheeks still rose-tinted, extended her hand out to him as a gesture of a handshake.

Yamaguchi looks at her hand and then softly smiles and accepts her handshake, relaxing his tense posture for once. “Nice to meet you (l/n), I’m Yamaguchi Tadashi.”

As the handshake ends, it leaves the two of them steering at eachother for a time. Both seem lost in eachothers eyes. It’s almost as (y/n) can count the freckles on his face, and for yamaguchi, it’s almost like the attention of a girl is foreign to him.

“(y/n)! Are you coming?” Another girl’s voice called out to (y/n) breaking the silence between the two of them causing (y/n) to jump.

“O-Oh! Uh! I’m coming!” She replies as she bows to Yamaguchi as a sign of respect. “I-I have to go now. I’ll see you around!” with that, she's off in a flash.

Yamaguchi wonders if that just happened. He’s not dreaming, is he? Did he truly just talk to a girl who wasn’t looking for Tsuki, rather she wanted to get to know him? He smiles over this mini-victory as he finally gets a cute girl to talk to him. Maybe this was the boost to his self-confidence that was greatly needed.

©miyamizuna 2024

#haikyu x reader #haikyuu #haikyu #haikyuu yamaguchi #yamaguchi tadashi #yamaguchi x reader #tadashi yamaguchi #tadashi yamaguchi x reader #haikyuu x reader #fluff #haikyuu fluff

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secretkittywolf · 1 day

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House of the Hearth headcannons

headcannons for Arlecchino, Lyney, Lynette & Freminet

Lynette

She has 3 exclusive "modes" that she uses to talk to her family. "Lyney mode" to talk with Lyney. "Father mode" to talk with Arlecchino & "Freminet mode" to talk with Freminet.

She only uses these modes when she's with them and they're alone because these modes allow the family to unwind and be themselves and not have to worry about appearances.

She also has notebooks that she uses to write about the things that they tell her so if it's brought up again in conversation, she knows what they're on about and it's helpful if they ask her a question regarding it.

Lyney

When Lynette enters "Lyney mode" he can freely talk about anything and everything. He knows that Lynette can keep a secret so he can talk about more private and personal stuff and knows that she can keep quiet about it.

He loses that confident personality and he becomes more quiet and sometimes more bubbly. He may talk about children who sees his performances and gets excited whenever they ask for more.

He becomes quiet when it comes to more personal stuff. Performances draining him, nervous about upcoming shows, the prophecy coming true in Fontaine. She does say she'll let "Father" know if it's regarding his health and wellbeing.

Arlecchino

Despite how she seems, she's actually a really sweet "Father". When Lynette enters "Father mode" she becomes more caring and considerate about her daughter and asks her questions . "Are you feeling okay Lynette?" "Is being Lyney's assistant alright for you? It's not too draining is it? I could always ask another child to be his assistant"

Lynette enjoys these a lot since it shows a more fatherly side to The Knave. She won't tell anyone but she loves it when "Father" rants about all sorts. Lynette likes watching her mannerisms, hand gestures, facial expressions, since it's interesting to her.

"That Furina... *deeply sighs* I cannot stand her as an archon! She acts too much like a little kid and it's like she doesn't know how serious this prophecy is. Seriously? Why isn't Neuvillette the archon? He would certainly do a better job. She's such a child! Tea parties over actual planning? No offence to the actual "child" archon Buer, but from what Dottore said, she acts like a true archon, even taking the responsibility as one after being imprisoned for 500 years!"

Arlecchino does act fatherly to her other kids too, especially the younger ones, but these private conversations with Lynette really help her unwind.

Freminet

When Lynette goes "Freminet mode" he sits down, loudly groans and starts discussing. He may seem like a shy, quiet kid but with Lynette, he's a sassy, snarky lil shit. Freminet loves gossiping. Because he's so quiet, people always pour out their problems onto him and he gossips with Lynette about it.

"Did you hear about Caron? Apparently, he and his brother have had a dispute for years over something so stupid! I mean really? Those two should act like the adults that they are and stop acting like children"

Freminet and Lynette enjoy talking with each other since it allows both of them to unwind. "Father" walked in on one of their conversations regarding Lyney and she simply closed the door, sat down and listened, occasionally giving her input.

"Lyney needs to stop treating me like I'm still a little kid. I have talked with him about it but he doesn't listen! I swear, next time he treats me like I'm a child, I may slap some sense into him. Literally"

Just some lil headcannons regarding these four!

#genshin impact #genshinimpact #the knave #arlecchino #arlechinno genshin #house of the hearth #freminet #lyney #lyney and lynette #lynette #genshin #genshin headcanons

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jacksoldsideblog · 5 months

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truly nothing more depressing than seeing a blog glorifying self harm in the fight club tag in an unironic way and you click through to see its an anorexic 14 year old :/ i wish i could communicate like... it doesn't make you cool or better, it's not an actual way to control things in your life, i am so so sorry you think this is the sexy answer. but also jesus why do you blog about it

#like damn weve all been 14 yrs old and making health decisions that are actively damning your future health in very concerning ways #but also like #these blogs exist because of each other and if i could nuke every single one i could because that might help even one of these kids #to recover #jesus #makes me feel old #like. ive been there lol. youre depressed and 12 and self harm seems right and also cool #but thats insidious as hell snd listening to that is whats going to make you depressed for half a decade #i think the hardest part of growing up is seeing kids make the same or similar mistakes you did and knowing if you say anything they will #almost certainly double down and dig themselves deeper #but you feel its a crime not to say anything and also remember lack of pushback being part of the problem #but its just. you cant fix anyone #i wasnt anorexic ftr but its Very Relatable unfortunately #anyway whether i like it or not i have a lot of teenagers following me i think #all of you. be nice to yourselves #actively pursue making your life better #not in a momentary happiness sort of way but in a taking the work to get over your mental illness and grow and become a more confident and #secure person kind of way #it sounds impossible and it feels like hell but literally the biggest part is just really trying to do it and letting go of the comfort of #the pains you know vs the unknown pains of change #i should stop soapboxing because this is getting silly long lol

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appalachianapologies · 8 months

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[random drabble to get you through the day]

“I was able to hack her stuff pretty easily.”

“That didn’t take long.”

Riley sends Mac a look. “I’m sorry, have we met? Riley Davis, hacker extraordinaire.”

Rolling his eyes, Mac replies, “You know what I mean. What’d you find?”

“The usual. For a double or triple or quadruple—or whatever type of agent she is—Nikki doesn’t encrypt her files as much as she should. I’ve already sent the juicy stuff to Patty.”

“Nice.” Giving a nod, Mac pulls a spare wheeled chair toward Riley’s desk and sits down. “What’re you doing now, then?”

“Oh, just having some fun.”

“Should I ask?”

“Probably not, but I’ll tell you anyway.”

With a poorly contained smile, Mac says, “Go for it.”

“After getting the goods out of her laptop, I hacked into her phone. Weakest wifi password in the history of ever, by the way.”

“Noted.”

“And she’s been listening to Spotify for the past three or so hours, so if I were to guess, she’s probably doing some other task while listening to music in the background.”

Mac gives another nod, still not exactly sure where this is going.

“So, like I said, I decided to have a little fun, and I wrote up some quick code this morning before you and Jack got here.”

“Code for what?”

“Basically,” Riley starts, “I made it so randomly in the middle of her songs, Spotify will pause itself.”

“Is that… it?”

“Yep.”

“Riley, what the fuck?”

Turning her head away from the monitor, she looks at Mac. “What, I can’t have some fun? When I wasn’t doing hacktivist stuff, this is basically all I’d do.”

A stuttered laugh escapes Mac before he can stop it. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen this side of you.”

“She’s been dormant for a while,” Riley confirms, “but I think it’s time I bring that part of me back.”

#i have no idea where this came from btw. it just kinda. happened.#i should absolutely 100% be working on homework but have this instead. and NOW i'll go work on homework #in which vi actually writes #macgyver #macgyver 2016 #angus macgyver #riley davis #drabbles #spy siblings #if anyone tags this with a ship i'm gonna fucking come for you and i don't mean that in a joking manner #anyway. bone apple tea #i just needed to write something before homework mode because i've been lowkey highkey anxious this morning for literally zero reason #and i think it's getting better. still frustrating though. literally no reason for this #me @ my brain: you are in a libRARY NOT A WARZONE CALM TF DOWN #anyway. spy siblings content my beloved <3 #i have many MANY riley thoughts about her not feeling like herself after prison because you know. prison.#and her slowly gaining confidence and being more like the person before prison (not that she can ever be that same person again because tha #t's not how people work and the inherent changing of a person throughout their lifetime is beautiful but you know what i mean #right?#also unrelated but why the FUCK is there a creepy pirate #i hate it

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carnivalcarriondiscarded · 9 months

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Fanwork creators self rec! When you get this, reply with your five favorite fics/art/podfics/etc. that you've made, then pass on to others. Let’s spread the self-love 🌼

(No pressure if you don't want to though!)

Hope you have a good day! ✨

ah damn ok uhhhh i'm still very happy with This Rojade piece, My Murder Boy, this Flight Rising thing, this Julie one, and my DC fantasy fic copper & gold <3

#thank you for the ask! i've never done one of these!#you have a good day as well <3 #rambles from the bog #going through my archive has made me confront the fact #that ive drawn more welcome home in the past few months #than i have drawn literally anything else ever #i am Exaggerating a little but also. am i #damn. the fixation is real...#anyway can't say that these are my Favorites since i don't really have any!#unfortunately i either dislike or am at best just Satisfied with everything i make/post #im trying to change that mindset but yk #its tough! i still have a ways to go! i have to work to reach the level i want to achieve!#or at least reach a level where i can look at my creations and feel pride #but im confident ill get there someday #its easier to be content with my writing than my art #i mean i have a ways to go with both but i still think im at present a Better Writer #despite enjoying art far more!#or maybe not at present... my writing skills have atrophied a bit... there is Much i need to practice

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loppiopio · 7 months

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the chances of the people seeing this aren't super likely so this is highly inefficient but i'm too afraid to approach people personally…. yet i've been burning with the need to express my gratitude for the tags i've received individually somehow and figured, i could do it the way i do best. in the tags 😅

(sorted by most recent) (i capped the limit hard here) (some ✂️✂️ had to be done 😔) (i still like this format a lot though) (might do this again in the future idk would people like that??) (i hope it's not mortifying for anyone……..)

it's sorta the way i like it, indirect and unimposing, even if it's kinda. wieldy. but it's just on my blog so anything goes right? although in saying that, i am open to being imposed on. like if someone wants to talk about aci or something, like other fic?? i'm a big fic fiend. or anything else lol not sure what else you'd wanna chat about since so much of the stuff i've put out is just. about fic. but hey, if you're a person i don't mind being approached :>

(lol the way i've made this like a *throws out a bunch of paper slips* find your's 🎉) (might be obnoxious hm) (sorry...) (find your's if you want though 🫡)

#i said a thing #@glaciesdraco i'm so glad someone is appreciating the brilliance of my shitpost yes i went so hard on that and it's you too??#i enjoy your ramblings and hcs a lot (if that one gift art based on your hcs wasn't telling) i hope my indirect appreciation can reach you #two years ago for a gift exchange i had [get them drunk] as one of the things on my wishlist and linked your post with it because they're <#@miyukiwynter your tag was fun and cute it made me smile :) oh no the boy!#@spooky-sordid your enthusiasm for the 🥥 post despite zero context is so fun to me i'm happy my niche things connect with you like that :]#@scrambledshizaya oops! all aci posts with even more on the way sorry it's all i got #the energy of your tags is very fun though i hope to bring a little pain with the 📸⚠️ comp and loverboy cringe is so izaya indeed #@gay-deer your all caps enthusiasm is so so sweet to me thank you for loving them!! also you bring fun things to my dash so thanks for that #@vi-138 you haven't said anything so i hope you don't mind.... i've seen you in my notifs a few times and i'm appreciating it very much :>#@fweamy i like your energy and omg you like the way i draw them?? no wayyy i'm so flattered you like my portrayal of them? that's such high #this makes me feel better about my style like actually since i spend a looooot a lotta time on every little thing so it can appeal to me #and i'm not confident at all but i do try very hard to achieve aspects of how i like to see them so i'm glad it seems to resonate with you #i draw all too slowly but you shall be in my thoughts as i fight to deliver more of these scrunkly scrimbos 🫡#@zamtik you think it's awesome? :0 wow thanks! also thanks for appreciating the 🎀🔪 i made that not a lot of people acknowledge heh #@gay4and2high i like that you acknowledged the content of the fic i love the content of this fic i need to acknowledge it so bad 🗣️#@stupidusernamepolicy idk if you meant for your words to read like this but i'm still so so flattered by the tags you left on that post 🥺🥺#idk what you actually think of the fic so i can literally only imagine your enthusiasm for it but i think i feel some of it in those tags 🧠#and you seem to really like the post in particular so?? thank you c:#@whamss no way are you sure you love my art?? thank you i'm glad you find them cute and see so much personality in them too??#you pointed out shizuo in particular !! yesss i slaved away soooo tirelessly on him (except i was very tired) i'm glad he is appreciated #his face... it needed to convey so much...... sad puppy dog look #the humouring of izaya's antics that soften him in light bemusement “mouth slightly open probably as close to a smile as it would ever get”#and thank you for enjoying loverboy cringe with me he is exactly that #@soultiio thank youuu i appreciate this sorta connection we have going on where we communicate through tags a little <3 #i like the comments your affection for the boys is very sweet thank you #@pennyloni thanks for the obligatory shizaya reblog #@pineapplething hihi!!!#@demon-of-ikebukuro i take joy in all the appreciation for the comm :> also you have a fic i'd like to try someday bc it looks interesting!#@churroful you haven't said much since but thanks for finding the 🎀🔪 sexy >:D i appreciate you in my notifs and i hope you enjoyed aci!!

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unopenablebox · 8 months

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i somehow forgot that all knitting photos posted on here get abundantly reblogged by randos and now people are in my replies condescendingly explaining that picot bind offs aren’t too hard actually

they only mean well by this and i hope they never see me complaining about them and if they do they shouldn't internalize anything about it. but it really irritates me anyway

#if i was sincerely concerned about it i would not post in the next sentence that i am not worried about it and confident in my ability #to learn new knitting techniques as needed.#i admit that this is just me being dickish to well intentioned people. but i really hate it when someone is like 'you've got this!!!'#to a STRANGER on a random post that is not specifically asking for emotional reassurance and is instead just. about something #like oh? you're so much better at knitting than me that you're qualified to start contentlessly life coaching me about it?#you can tell that because you read one sentence of my tags?#this doesn't apply to literally any of you btw because first of all you've been around enough to have actual context on any given post #making any reassurance you provide into something that is not just a smug assumption that you're in a position of expertise relative to me #but an actual like. social interaction #and second of all because none of you do this. if you cheerlead me it's on posts where that makes any sense to do and i might want it #and if you provide advice it. is advice. and has content. and again. is usually more solicited and always isn't from strangers.#this is purely how i feel about it when someone who i don't know and has never seen me before acts like i obviously need reassurance #that it is possible to learn to do a bind-off. i self-teach new knitting techniques constantly! leave me alone!!!!

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emberwritesinsight · 9 months

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Watched the first couple episodes of My Happy Marriage because it's on Netflix and looks fucking beautiful. The directors (and the VAs) did their job very well because my heart shatters into a million pieces whenever I see Miyo Saimori being mistreated, which is constantly because her family SUCKS. And the way she gets so surprised and bewildered when shown even the slightest decency and kindness from people who have power over her? Just stab me it would hurt less

Desperate to see what Kiyoka's deal is and why he's Like That. The thing he said to Miyo about absolute obedience is a huge massive yikes but beyond that he doesn't really seem evil or anything, just shit at dealing with people. I know the whole thing is going to be framed romantically regardless because *gestures broadly at title, intro, direction, general framing of everything*, but I desperately hope he's like... actually a good partner, or can become one. Mostly because I want good things for Miyo.

AND KOUJI AUGH. Bro wants good things for Miyo as much as I do if not more and what does he get? An arranged marriage with her awful sister. R.I.P.

#my happy marriage #kiyoka kudou #miyo saimori #my beloved #shaking miyo by the shoulders through the screen #yelling 'YOU DESERVE ALL THESE GOOD THINGS AND MORE'#Her self-esteem is SO LOW and for what? Because her sister can see ghosts?#Which is cool sure but Miyo can cook #And I feel like that'll make itself useful way more often #Also Miyo is a sweetheart and Kaya Is Not #I'm just ranting here I KNOW she has no confidence because it was beaten out of her #figuratively and possibly literally #But I can't stop myself from going 'GIRL YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU THINK YOU ARE'#Ooh Kaya. What a piece of work.#Things I like about Kaya: her hair #Things I dislike about Kaya: everything else #I mean I could maybe see her shaping up and being better but for now?#she can die for all i care

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widevibratobitch · 2 months

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aaaaaaand it's starting. mom's bestie just texted me asking to come over this weekend cause it's Bad and it's probably the last chance to talk and maybe say goodbye to my mom's husband and i need to take care of her. god. i wont get through this weekend unless im high or drunk istg.

#time to slightly overdose my depression meds again ig lol #anyway. it is a little better with me these last two weeks. turns out the meds do work when you actually take em regularly #but first my best friend's break up that she's blowing up to unimaginable size #acting as if she just got divorced with the love of her life after 20 years #and not ended a few months long relationship with a guy who's been the source of most of her troubles since the moment they started dating #(ofc she's valid and id never tell her that because like. i get it. some people feel stuff more deeply. but its hard to be supportive #when you genuinely feel like this is the best possible outcome for her and that the relationship was only dragging her down all this time)#and now this. and this is gonna be infinitely worse. and then it's gonna get a million times worse when he actually does die.#and i feel like the worst most selfish person ever which like. probably am. but i did tell my cousin who actually knows my mom really well #and she said she understands and that my fears ARE valid because SHE'S terrified of how she's gonna handle my mom #and she wouldn't wanna be me in that situation cause it's gonna be so much worse for me lmao #like i feel like people who know my mother casually really dont understand just how unhinged emotionally she is #anyway. i feel so overwhelmed. i cant handle this jesus.#but im also emotionally unavailable and refuse to actually confide in another person because i dont want to be a bother <3333 #god i love tumblr. i can literally type anything in those tags lol it's the perfect form of venting since you can just scroll by #but i will still have let it out of myself anyway uwu i literally dont need that therapy fr #anyway. i feel so unbelievably fucking lonely and on one hand it's my own fault for withdrawing and refusing to ask for help.#but on the other hand. i AM alone. like there's no one who can help me in this particular situation.#i have no siblings. obviously my dad isnt gonna help. it all falls down to me. good god. i wanna throw up.

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slocumjoe · 11 months

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hey uhhh i went thru ur oc post history and u said gus set himself on fire?? pls context

I love this character because whenever someone asks about him I always have to take a deep breath and get comfortable and suck a breath in through my teeth. I treat him so poorly

More Gus lore, because that specific event is actually tied to the very first event that would fuck him up forever, so I can't really talk about it without going in depth.

This is explaining the core tenent of Augustijn's story, which is guilt and its dangers. Basically, where that constant guilt came from, and how it...turned out for him...

It turns out okay. Just...takes 200+ years, an apocalypse, a divorce, and his son dying! 🥳Yay🥳

Tw; Religious trauma, child abuse, suicide, drug use, cannibalism, mental illnesses, and yet another suicide attempt.

So, some background, Gus's mom, Emma, was a fanatic catholic and generally Bat Shit about religion. As you might imagine, this is the Direct Source of both Gus' questionable worldviews, traumas, and his biological inclination to uuuhhh bad Head Times.

Emma was raised mildly religious, but she...took to it too hard? Her family was not the cause of her obsession, Gus's grandparents and uncles/aunts over there actually cut her off at one point, because she was starting to worry them but reaching out led to her lashing out. So, they just...backed off. Emma herself was a simple, homebody woman, who wanted to be at home raising her kids, and tending her garden. She would have been this way even without the religious thing.

But Emma and her side of the family were prone to addiction, see? And religion became her point of fixation and obsession. This could have still been okay, if not for the church she went into. A catholic church in the Hague that was known by all for being kind of fucking out there, even by other hardcore Catholics. This was one she went into, and even her grandchild 240+ years later would feel the ripple of this decision.

Emma goes into church and gets gnarly ideas about how life works. Its a woman's duty to have kids and raise them, to be good to her husband and her house, to listen and obey her men. Sin is inevitable and everyone does it, only those that admit and accept punishment can get another chance at Paradise. God knows every action you take and he does not care for the context, he only cares about the action. There is no "well, but" under the Lord.

Emma has mental illness, some kind of depression and anxiety, so this Big Brother Watching And Judging fucked her up. Especially since her church, in particular, was physically abusive if you did not confess to anything during confession. They thought if you had nothing to confess, you were lying.

At this point, she's met and engaged to Theodore Reinier, a rich heir to a European manufacturing company. He's pretty, a gentleman, and best of all, rich, so she can have as big and luxurious a garden as she wants. She likes him. She does not love him. She's in her twenties and unmarried with no kids, and her poor family needs to be taken care of. So she marries him. Theodore is smart enough to see this for what it is, and kind enough to allow it. He lets his wife do her own thing and treats her as a friend, rather than a lover. She hates this, she wants to be a wife (she doesnt). She wants kids, he gives her one. Augustijn. This birth goes rough, and she's told no more children.

Theodore makes one rule; August goes to a different church, or he does not go at all. Theo really didn't like Emma's church and he certainly wasn't exposing his kid to that shit.

Emma pretends to agree and takes Gus to That Church. Theo doesn't attend, so he doesn't know this is happening until much later. Gus gets all the same nasty shit Emma does. Theo learns of this when he sees Gus covered in bruises from confession beatings. This puts a huge rift between him and Emma, and he pulls all the strings he can to have her church shut down.

Emma grows to resent and hate Theo and Augustijn for not being the perfect husband and child she deserves as a good, God fearing house wife. Augustijn is left to his nannies, Emma hides away in her private garden, fuming. Theodore tries to bond with his son, but Emma's poisoned that well.

Emma tells Augustijn about demons, to fear them. She specifically tells him about church grims, demons that hunt around churches in the form of a dog to drag sinners to hell. She says this as she's admiring her new obsidian dog statues for her garden.

Eventually, Emma goes yellow wallpaper and loses her mind, and is sent to therapy and put on medications. Augustijn loathes his father for his mother's state. Theodore just wants his friend and son okay. But Emma, as she's out in town, coming back from therapy, she stops at a friend's house while the friend isn't there, and hooks up with the woman's husband. Friend's husband was stern, strict with his wife, God fearing, and generally an obnoxious 50s ideal shithead husband. Everything Emma wanted. This wasn't out of nowhere, it was brewing in the background. She knew both of them from her old church.

Emma goes home, and finally having a reason for the guilt that's always plagued her, elects to acknowledge her sin. She drowns herself in the pond of her garden, stared down by three dark, ruby-eyed dogs, overseeing her passage into the afterlife. Her young son comes into the garden to meet his mother, after she's been gone all day, only to find her in a red pool. He looks up into the eyes of the dogs. He remembers nothing of this incident, blocking it out and having been too young to understand.

Years pass, and Augustijn turns to drugs as well, though his come from the darkest parts of the Hague, rather than a doctor. He turns to sex, to crime, to anything he thinks will either corrupt him so much he doesn't care, or will finally make his guilt feel justified. He wears his mother's cross necklace through it all, and sees her beloved dog with every sin.

Augustijn goes to America for college, to Harvard, studying to become a pastor himself. (This is maybe the most terrifying part of him, the fact that he almost got it). But he doesn't feel satisfied with it, has a moment of clarity and realizes he isn't fit to preach anything. The grim certainly doesn't think so. He instead follows his only friend, Isadora, into the military. The US government allowing their soldiers to do chems means his failed drug tests don't matter.

Augustijn becomes a sniper. He has always hurt people, excelled in it, but taking life frightens him, because he knows he has no right to decide who lives or dies, not like this. But he's in China, and he's told to kill. He does, and he's very good at it. His teammates marvel at just how scrappy and determined he is, like a weed, a mold.

The Biandukou Pass Incident occurs. He eats his entire team, trapped in a Chinese mountain range during a blizzard.

Delirious from almost two months of surviving on nothing but psycho and human flesh, Augustijn is let loose back into Boston, honorably discharged. His lingering hallucinations from his Daytripper addiction, mixed with psycho withdrawal, trauma, guilt, shame, the fear of God—everything culminates. He looks up and sees the figure that has haunted him since that one, awful day; the church grim, staring expectantly.

His mother drowned herself, so he thought it fitting if he set himself ablaze.

#ss; alter #I hate to put a word to his specific illness because you always get people like 'this isnt what i think this is like so pls die'#but i imagine he'd be diagnosed with hppd #hallucinogen persisting perception disorder. basically lingering effects of hallucinogenics after use #the point of emma is that she did not ever see past the shit #Augustijn gradually learns how to reject his guilt and view himself objectively #and comes to see how he was hurt and how he hurt others. and accepts that he has a right to feel hurt but an obligation to be better #emma doesnt. she never would have even if she survived her attempt #its like. you only feel guilt because its a concept put into you #and emma taught him guilt. always feel dirty and shameful.#but. she didnt feel guilty. not really. she was confident in all of her actions and never once hesistated #she thought it was guilt just because she knew how it would look to other people. thats not guilt thats awareness.#she wasnt guilty she feared repercussions.#meanwhile her son grew up always ashamed and horrified at himself and was desperate for any kind of comeuppance #not to make it okay because he knew it wouldn't. but because he deserved it #accountability and justice are also big concepts in gus' character. the idea that someone becoming better and earnestly doing it #is better and more worthwhile than them suffering for their actions. this comes up with the Institute and Isadora #anyway if any of you come at me bitching about portaying a woman as abusive im biting #'joe no one does fhat' they literally do. its happened to me before. yall say you support womens wrongs until theyre abusive moms #anyway. fun fact; being beaten during confessions is why gus cant admit when hes done wrong for like 30 years. its a trauma/trigger #gus really is just. 'how do i process what happened to me without losing my mind'#and he lost his mind. but he does everything he can to find it again. because he doesnt want to feel this way anymore

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