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undiscovered-horizon · 9 months

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Who am I to complain? - Nikolai Lantsov x Reader

[emotional and verbal abuse, unhealthy parent-child relationships]

SUMMARY: When your parents come to visit, Nikolai finally understands why you've never been keen to talk about them. Being the King and your husband, he isn't afraid to defy them.

WORDCOUNT: ~ 4.5k

>>Grishaverse-inspired playlist<<

"Have you listened to anything I've just said?"

Nikolai shakes you awake from being lost in thought. You look away from the insanely interesting skirting board you had been staring at for the past ten minutes. He’s watching you with raised eyebrows, awaiting an answer.

"I…” you hang your voice. At first, you wanted to just apologize and ask him to repeat himself but then a sense of dread sprouts in your abdomen - one you can’t quite put a finger on but it takes over your entire mind. “I'm sorry, Kolya. Please, don’t be mad at me, I’m sorry,” you plead, gradually speaking faster.

“I’m not angry,” he states firmly. “But I am growing concerned for you, love. What’s going on?”

“I just keep thinking about my parents' visit,” you confess while rubbing your forehead. “Ever since the letter arrived, I can hardly think about anything else."

"Yes, I've noticed you have been a bit absent for the past few days. I assumed you were going to talk to me when you're ready. Are you?"

"They're not bad people," you begin in a strange tone that makes Nikolai doubt your words right away, "and they've only done their best to give me a good life. Despite that, they have a tendency to bring out the parts of me I've grown to dislike."

“Isn’t that what every family does?” he jokes in hopes of easing your visible discomfort. But his good humour is gone the moment you look away with a sombre expression stuck to your features.

Nikolai always considered himself exceptional at self-control but something about your sadness makes him gradually abandon reason. As you forlornly stare into the darkness of your shared bedroom, he’s ready to stick feathers to his clothes and pretend to be a peacock just to make you laugh.

“Love,” he calls out softly. His hand rests between your shoulder blades. “You’re the queen. If you want, we can call their visit off right away.”

“That would be a little rude, no?” you ask in a meek voice.

“It’s a lot more crude to make you cry.”

“I will be alright, really,” you reassure him. That miserable look on your face is slowly creeping away. “It’s just three days. Maybe they’ve changed or they’re a lot better than I remember. I’ll be okay.”

Nikolai is unsure whether you’re trying to convince yourself or him but he doesn’t push. Despite not believing your clumsy words of reassurance, he trusts you - he’ll step in only when things really get out of hand.

Nervousness and excitement often feel the same and one might even fool themselves into believing that the mortifying tension in their muscles is actually an impatient thrill. Today, however, you don’t even try playing a little trick on yourself. The more you think about your feelings, the more you’re convinced that it’s not even nervousness but fear. Still, you don’t quite understand why exactly your parents’ visit elicits such awful emotions from you.

The door to the throne room opens and a man in a white and gold livery steps inside. He quickly walks halfway to the dais with the throne.

The servant bows as deep as he can and clears his throat before loudly announcing: “Presenting her most royal Highness’s, the Queen’s, mother and father.”

Only then do your parents emerge from the hall, walking hesitantly through the spacious throne room. Two guards are following them and your father spares them a confused glance every few steps. But the armed men only usher him to keep walking and not turn his back to the king until allowed to do so.

Feeling fear exploding in your chest, you grip Nikolai’s shoulder even tighter. Sitting on the throne, he has to look up to meet your eyes.

“Calm down, it’s going to be alright,” he says quietly. A reassuring smile curves his lips. “You said it yourself.”

As though he is a Heartrender himself, his words make you relax. You take a deep breath and let go of his shoulder. At that moment, Nikolai stands up to greet your parents as their son-in-law first and only then the king of Ravka.

Right then, your mother quickly runs up the few steps leading to the dais. Her face is red and a deep crease now separates her eyebrows.

“I have to wait to be announced to see my own daughter?” She’s barely containing her outrage. “Nonsense!”

“I’m royalty now, mother,” you explain calmly. Your voice almost doesn’t shake.

“And I’m still your mother, the one that gave birth to you. Do I not get any benefits from that?”

Maybe some people don’t actually change.

“I’m afraid you don’t.”

“Is this gold?!” your father exclaims in shock as his hand reaches for your heavy necklace. “So because of you most of Ravka is starving?”

Too occupied with the jewellery, your parents don’t notice the palace guards stepping forward to arrest them for such an accusation aimed at the queen. Nikolai spares them a meaningful look, waving them off. In his heart, he agrees with them.

“Actually, this is a gift from a businessman in Kerch,” you say quietly. Suddenly, you remember why you’ve never visited them since your wedding.

“Still, don’t you think this is a little distasteful?”

Your mother places her hand on your father’s shoulder. “She’s always been vain, darling,” she reminds him.

You’re not a queen anymore - at least you don’t feel like it. All of the gold, silk and jewels are gone and you’re back to being a scared, little girl with hay stuck in her hair. Tears sting your eyes.

Whatever you do is wrong. All of your efforts are underwhelming. Maybe they’d be happier if you weren’t there.

"You're crying?” your father asks with a hint of disgust in his voice. “Oh, don't be so sensitive, you know we’re only joking!” He’s still holding your necklace in his fingers, admiring the glistening crystals. Standing so close to you, he lowers his voice significantly to appear inconspicuous but Nikolai manages to pick up his calloused words. “Pull yourself together, this is embarrassing.”

As she usually does, your mother brings the attention back to herself. “She can be a bit much at times, so I hope you’re a patient one!”

The guards exchange questioning looks, silently asking one another if they should intervene this time. Most of the time they follow Tolya and Tamar’s steps but they’re left to their own devices on this day as Nikolai ordered the twins to take a day off. Perhaps it’s for the best - they’d surely escalate this already uncomfortable situation but it’s only because they care.

“I’d say it’s quite the opposite,” Nikolai answers, unaffected. Despite his speaking to your mother, he’s looking into your eyes. “I can never get enough of her.”

“For most of her life, I thought she’d never get married!” your mother continues. She’s gripping your arm with much more strength than her appearance suggests. “Men don’t like them independent, stubborn and opinionated.”

Nikolai’s polite smile doesn’t falter. “Three qualities of an excellent Queen.”

Your mother laughs obnoxiously. “Just wait a few years, dear.” She pats his shoulder. The guards look between themselves again. “You’ll be quick to send her off just like we were!”

Both of your parents laugh wholeheartedly while you and Nikolai exchange knowing looks. Now he understands why you have been so uneasy lately. This is going to be the longest three days of his life.

The perplexity continues as your mother suddenly places her hands around your waist, examining your torso in great detail. A sour expression forms on her face.

“Oh, honey, you’ve let yourself go,” she says in a worried tone. Her eyes trail the curve of your physique up until she looks at your face. With a serious glint in her eye, she advises you under her breath: “You can’t get fat and slobby if you want to keep the king.”

The man who announced your parents appears again but this time he walks all the way to the stairs leading up to the throne, although doesn’t dare climb them. His facial expression borders on emotionless and serious as though he’s more of a marble statue rather than a servant.

“Your most royal Highness.” The man bows deeply. “The room is prepared.”

“Excellent.” Nikolai uses the opportunity to cut the awkward conversation short in a diplomatic way. “Escort our guests to their chamber.”

“Right away, мой царь.”

When the butler disappears around the corner with your parents apprehensively following him, Nikolai looks at you with a grim expression.

“Are they usually like this?” he asks, disapproval hiding between his words.

“They’re worse at home,” you answer with a shrug. A lot of terrible feelings and thoughts you were convinced you had left behind are coming back and you’re unsure how to handle that.

“You’ve put up with this kind of disrespect for your whole life?”

“It’s not disrespect, just…” you hang your voice looking for the right expression, “tough love. They don’t mean any harm.”

“Don’t mean any harm?” he repeats in disbelief. “They’ve been here for fifteen minutes and they are yet to say something nice to you. Neither of them even asked whether you’re doing alright.”

A short, troubled sigh leaves your lips. Your fingers trail the golden embroidery decorating his kaftan. “I’m married to a dashing, handsome king and live in a palace. I think they know I’m doing well.”

His hand gently grabs yours, keeping it against his chest. “As much I like flattery, especially coming from you, you can’t pull wool over my eyes, love. It’s not a matter of knowing but principle. Remember our wedding? The guests kept asking how you’re doing so much, you kept saying you’re perfectly fine before they even got a chance to ask.”

The memory elicits a chuckle from you. Yes, everyone seemed to be preoccupied with making sure you were happy and satisfied. It came to such a point, you yelled at Nikolai’s cousin ‘Yes, I’m fine!’ before she gave you a weird look and asked if you wanted some vodka mixed with your champagne. Truly, the only royal thing about Marina is her ungodly fortune but maybe that’s why you’ve grown to like her a lot - she’s down to earth and easy-going.

Nikolai squeezes your hand in a gentle, reassuring manner. “Just say the word and I will personally throw them out.”

“Kolya!” You gasp at his offer but it quickly turns into laughter. “They’re my parents and your in-laws!”

“They also refuse to show care and respect towards my beloved Queen.”

That mellow, loving look in his eyes nullifies any annoyance you might feel at his stubbornness. You pull your hand out of his grasp and place it on the side of his face. Consciously or not, he slightly leans into your touch. “I appreciate your concern.” Not minding the guards in the room, you’ve grown used to their constant presence, you peck his lips shortly. “But they have just arrived. You’ll warm up to them.”

Nikolai doesn’t answer at first. He only reconnects your lips, kissing you deeper, more desperately. When you feel his hands coming up to your waist, you lean away from him. For a moment, you swear you can see a grimace of dissatisfaction on his face.

“Be decent,” you reprimand him but the wide smile you wear so well rids your words of all seriousness.

“You started this.”

“And I will finish if you play nice.”

Nikolai takes a rather long step back, away from you, just to make a point. He’s standing with his hands behind his back, an excited grin on his face. “You make an exquisite diplomat, you know that?”

“I learned from the best.”

The time for dinner came faster than you wanted it to. Anxiety bubbled inside your chest again. Still, you continued trying to soap up your eyes with thoughts that maybe when they sit across the table from a king, they’re going to withdraw their little jabs at you. As they say: Hope is the mother of all fools. And you’re about to learn that.

Nikolai raises his cup with wine. “A toast to our beloved Queen,” he announces in an official tone. Out of the corner of his eye, he spares you an adoring look. “Without her, I’d be a lonely, perplexed king. May we not know the world without her.”

To your horror, your father decides to join him. “May she get a grip and come to her senses.”

The dry wine tastes even more bitter as you take what’s supposed to be a celebratory sip. What if he’s right about you? It’s only the beginning of the evening and you already wish you can miraculously vanish or, worst case scenario, just run away.

You’re about to take a bite of the roasted pheasant on your plate when your mother looks at you with raised eyebrows. She points her fork between you and the plate. “Should you really be eating all of this?”

You don’t answer her. Whatever you say will only egg her on. Get a grip, you scold yourself and clench your fist to push fingernails into the sensitive skin of your palm. The pain is distracting, grounding.

"You know, sweetheart, you're not getting any younger,” your mother continues. She always does that - throwing poignancies one after another and seeing what sticks. Now, when she’s literally the mother of the queen, she’s even bolder than before.

“Mother-”

“Don’t interrupt me.” She points her knife at you. “All I’m saying is as a wife, especially the queen, you have only one duty and you shouldn’t wait with it. Things will only get more difficult as you age.”

Nikolai gives your mother a bright smile. “Have no worries,” he cuts in. “We’re not waiting.”

You almost drop your fork. Flustering people is definitely one of his strategies but must he really involve your sex life in his word games? Although mortified at his bluntness, you must admit it works - your mother’s face is about the same shade as the roasted tomatoes on her plate. She casts her eyes downwards, poking at the food in front of her.

The air is filled with awkward tension but Nikolai doesn’t seem to mind in. In fact, he looks quite proud of himself. You, on the other hand, aren’t as good at putting up a believable front.

“So,” you begin in hopes of easing the atmosphere”, how are things back in…” You hang your voice. You were about to say ‘home’, only to realize that it would be an honest lie. The little town where you grew up hasn’t been home in years. “...Tamboyevka?”

“Oh, you know,” your mother says as she makes a dismissive wave with her hand. “Same old, same old. Cattle and field, nothing interesting to someone of your sort, I presume! There’s never been much use of you anyway.”

Listening to your mother’s condescending words, you push your fingernails further into the skin of your hand to distract yourself from the feeling of shame that continues to grow inside your stomach and pull you down with it. Maybe the marble floor will swallow you whole in the next few minutes and all of this will be over.

Then you feel Nikolai’s warm hand sneak between your palms, breaking up your painful distraction. He leans towards you ever so slightly and whispers:

“I’d much rather you pinch and scratch my hand than hurt yourself.”

You look at his concerned face. Words of reassurance, ‘Don’t worry, I’m alright’, nearly push past your lips when your father chimes in, continuing the conversation.

“But your brother, he bought some land down south,” he announces with excitement.

“More land?” you ask. “Ha barely manages with what he already has.”

The memory of your brother’s tired, grey face flashes before your eyes. Every time you see him, he looks even sicker than before as though he never sleeps or eats, only works in the field. He even collapsed on one July day and your parents kept saying that this is a sign of an honest, hard-working man but you weren’t as quick to call a man throwing up everything he eats ‘healthy’.

“You know how he is, always helping others.” Your mother is beaming with pride as if she’s the one doing the farming. “His crops feed two villages and it’s not nearly enough for him! Said he wanted tomatoes and citruses.”

Then it hits you. It’s not a revelation in any way but rather something you don’t think about too often - most of Ravka doesn’t get fruits in winter, especially the ones growing in warmer climates near the Shu Han border. And you not only can easily get it even when snow covers the grassy fields but you’re essentially fed it. Like that one time, you shared a tangerine with Nikolai while sitting in front of a fire, talking about unimportant things.

Despite your mother sitting right in front of you, her voice echoed in your head as though she’s a phantom haunting your thoughts and not a real person: Selfish. Spoiled. Entitled. Ungrateful. People starve because of you.

You focus on Nikolai’s warm, rough hand that’s still holding your own. The pleasant sensation is gradually grounding you, pulling you out of your head and into the present moment.

“What for?” you ask as casually as you can, not giving in to the spiralling thoughts. It still feels like you’re underwater, desperately gasping for air as your lungs burn. Squeezing Nikolai’s hand, you break the surface of the vicious tides trying to drown you in panic and shame.

Your mother, on the other hand, appears completely oblivious to your plight. “Some child told him they’d like oranges and he couldn’t say no. He’s wonderful, truly. A living Saint! What a blessing to call him my son. You should take a serious cue from him, young lady.” She waves the tip of her knife in your direction again. “But enough about your brother. What do you do when you’re not wasting time? Lay around and smell nice?”

“Well,” you swallow nervously, already knowing that she won’t be satisfied with your answer, “I meet a lot of people, take correspondence, travel across the country or read if I find the time.”

Nikolai must notice the telling crease of disappointment between your mother’s eyebrows. He joins the conversation under a skilful facade of a proud, boasting husband. “Don’t sell yourself short, love. Our Queen,” he puts strange stress on the title, “has started a scholarship for disadvantaged children, takes the time to teach young girls sewing, foreign languages and arithmetic.”

“That’s quite useless, isn’t it?” your mother looks between you and your father, not acknowledging Nikolai’s presence. She keeps stabbing the roasted pheasant on her plate with a fork as though there’s still life inside the poor poultry. “Shouldn’t you try harder?” she hisses at you. “If you continue being this lazy, the whole kingdom will fall apart! What will our neighbours say then?”

Nikolai suddenly gets up. He’s still holding your hand but you can’t be sure whether he’s doing that on purpose or if it’s just an unconscious reflex. The candlelight from the crystal chandelier cascades off his face, pronouncing the clenched muscles of his jaw - he’s angry and barely holding it in.

“Our meeting at this table is adjourned,” he announces in a firm voice. “This is beyond unacceptable. I have overlooked your transgressions simply because of your affinity to my wife. Still, I am disheartened and disappointed with the way you address your queen in her own home. The guards will escort you back to your chambers.”

You hear your mother and father trying to argue and protest, saying something about you being ‘too proud’ and ‘forgetting your place’ but you’re so dumbfounded you can’t make out the details. The guards lead them out of the dining room through one of the tall pairs of doors. When they close behind them, everything goes silent - the brick walls muffle any turmoil your parents might be causing.

Suddenly, your throat constricts. It’s hard to take a breath. Has it always been so hot in here? The tips of your fingers tingle, blood never reaching them.

He threw them out and you didn’t say anything. If they didn’t hate you before, they surely do now. You’re a disappointment, not their child. They haven’t done anything wrong, after all. You’re no good, useless, ungrateful, dramatic.

Suffocating with panic, you run out of the room through a different pair of doors, across the dining hall from the ones behind which your parents had recently disappeared. You hear Nikolai’s footsteps behind you but they are muffled by the noise of bloodflow ringing in your ears.

“Hey, talk to me,” he calls out in a soft voice. You turn around to look at him. His hand is almost at the height of your shoulder but it momentarily drops as though he just backed out from touching you. “What’s going on?”

For a man as smart as him, that’s a really stupid question.

“Why did you do that, Nikolai?” you snap at him.

His eyebrows furrow slightly. A gasp of disbelief brushes past his lips - he clearly thought the two of you were on the same page. “They were insulting you over and over again. I couldn’t just sit and listen to that.”

Truly, you should have expected that. He’s been adamant about standing up to your parents from the very beginning. Still, you’re angry that he just had to be stubborn and do the one thing you explicitly asked him not to do.

“What happened to laugh at insults? Isn’t that your own advice?”

“It is.” Nikolai finally finds it in himself to place his hands on your shoulders. “But I found myself unable to remain collected when the bitter words were aimed at you.” His palms brush against your dress and the skin of your neck until they’re cradling your face.

“I can,” you state firmly. “You should have let me handle this, I’m used to this.”

You escape his loving grasp and he lets you. Walking forward away from him, you’re not quite sure where exactly you’re heading. ‘Away’ would be a lovely direction but quite impossible when you’re confined to those four walls of marble and gold.

“You shouldn’t be,” Nikolai calls out after you.

Suddenly, you halt. You look at him around your shoulder. “What?”

“You shouldn’t be used to being treated like this,” he says in a defeated tone while walking towards you again. “They just keep putting you down, humiliating you. You’re not even slightly upset about that?”

“Of course, I am but…” you hang your voice, finally questioning your own feelings towards your parents. “It’s unfair for me to be angry with them. Ungrateful. I never went hungry or cold. They gave me medication when I was sick and made sure I went to school. Every year they’d give me something for my birthday. Neither of them has ever raised their hand against me. They’ve done all they could to give me a good life. Who am I to complain?”

“You’re the Queen,” he drones the word. His hand holds the side of your face again, thumb lovingly brushing your cheek. “People say your name in the same breath as the names of all the Saints. When I don’t know what to do or what decision to make, I always ask myself what you would do. And I’ve never once regretted that. There are important people who have agreed to my invitation only after hearing that you’ll be there too. You change everything. So you get to be angry when someone refuses to see that. I know you can take a few mean words but I don’t want you to.”

For a moment, the two of you stand in comfortable, intimate silence. Your absent gaze is stuck to the floor as you’re pondering his words. Whenever you’re about to accept that maybe, just maybe, you’re doing something good and important, the voice of your mother echoes inside your head: ‘Vain’. But Nikolai wouldn’t lie to you, would he? At least not in those circumstances.

“Can you keep a secret?” he speaks up quietly, bringing your attention back to him.

“Don’t tell me you put a wild racoon in my parent’s bedroom,” you joke, surprising yourself at your newly-found humour.

He scrunches his nose. “Alright, can you keep two secrets?” The echo of the empty halls carries your bright laughter. “To be honest, I wanted to marry you the moment you argued with me about stealing that merchant frigate in Kerch.”

“I could tell,” you answer with a slow nod. “You had a really stupid look on your face, all dazed and absent. In fact, you wore the same one on our wedding day.”

Nikolai’s lips turn into a playful smile and he’s about to say something definitely smart and smooth but a servant interrupts him:

“Your most royal highness,” she says nervously as she curtsies, “your mother wishes to see you. She seems thoroughly upset, if I may say so.” Judging by her fearful, wide-open eyes, she must have gotten a taste of your parents' hurt ego.

Anxiety once again floods your mind. Maybe you should go, apologize and pray they won’t go on a tirade about ‘raising you differently’. But then you hear Nikolai inconspicuously but meaningfully clear his throat.

‘You’re the queen’, his voice echoes in your head. A queen doesn’t cower and bow her head, does she?

“Tell her I don’t take visitations tonight,” you order the servant.

“Right away, моя царица.” She can’t hide the waver in her voice. Judging by her already fearful demeanour, she can guess quite well what will happen the moment she relays the information.

Yes, you will have to warn your parents that they actually can’t hurl insults at your servants. It’s going to be challenging, yes, but this newfound confidence is a ferocious beast, driving you to own up to the title of the queen - not in the way your mother and father want you to but in a way that you need to.

“Oh, one more thing.” The girl immediately stops and turns around at the sound of your voice. “Make sure they don’t leave their wing until either of us says so. I don’t want them wandering around my home.”

“Of course, my Queen.”

The servant bows again and leaves the two of you in a rushed step. Nikolai waits until she disappears around the corner to let his hand drop to the small of your back. He leans in close, indecently so. “I love it when you get all commanding,” he whispers against your neck.

An airy laugh leaves your lips as he pecks the soft skin behind your ear.

____

мой царь [mo-ee tzar] -> my tsar/king

моя царица [mo-ya tsa-ree-tsa] -> my tsaritsa/queen

#nikolai lantsov imagine #nikolai lantsov fanfic #nikolai lantsov fanfiction #nikolai lantsov #nikolai x reader #nikolai lantsov x reader #shadow and bone #shadow and bone fanfic #shadow and bone fanfiction #shadow and bone imagine #shadow and bone x reader #shadow and bones x you

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selfaware-bungou-stray-dogs · 10 months

Note

What kind of interaction would the reader have with the Decay of Angels. (Mainly Fyodor Dostoevsky, and Sigma ,Nikolai Gogol) how would they treat the reader?

(my poor baby need some Love Sigma <3)

Here you go. As I said before, all characters will get their own entries later. Same with Decay of Angels. Until then, I can share this headcannons with you.

On the side note. A little update on main entries progress. Self-Aware Dazai Osamu entry is in progress. The first third (Becoming self-aware) is almost finished.

Self-Aware! Decay of Angels x GN! Reader

Headcannons

Warning: OOC. Yandere. Stalking. Mentions of world domination. Mentions of killing. English is my second language.

General

🐾 Group, that take longest to join the others.

🐾 Not because of you or their feelings towards you. Because of how slowly they were introduced in the manga.

🐾 Their plan has failed. What they should do next? How it should be connected to you?

Bram Stoker

🧛 At first, he doesn't care, that he is fictional. It's not like he is walking around. Besides, right now he has no one, he can consider his friends.

🧛 But it changes, thanks to Aya. The girl is mesmerized by you and your world, and, after being appointed as Bram's 'guardian', she tried to show Bram, how wonderful your world is.

🧛 Slowly, Bram warm towards you. You don't seem bad. Besides, your emotions feel nice. Also, there is so much interesting in your world.

🧛 Like to watch videos with you and Aya. Sometimes, two of them watch something on their own.

🧛 Will try to find a way to get his body back and control his ability again. Because this ability will help you. He will give you an army of vampires, ready to serve you.

🧛 You are normal human. You are an interesting human. You treat someone like him is human. He will help to bring the human world to their knees for you.

Sigma

🃏 At first, Sigma is on the cross road. It's not like he is entirely human, so knowing that he is fictional, doesn't hit him as hard as the other characters. Bit, still, it hurts, to know, that he was created for someone else's entertainment. And the voice of Guiding Light. They were praising him. Lowing him. Did you try to trick him? Was it the same situation, as with Dostoevsky, three years ago?

🃏 No. It was different. You aren't fake. You were real. Not only that, but you liked him for simply existing. You liked him as he is. No need to use his ability or do something for you.

🃏 Sigma would observe your messages. To make sure, that people won't try to scam you.

🃏 One time, on The Internet, you were discussing with other people what would you do, if you had a chance to see Sigma in real life. Sigma was disgusted by some responses. But then, he heard you.

"I would give him a cookie and ask for a hug".

Congrats, Sigma is now as red as a tomato.

🃏 Sigma will memorize everything about you. He doesn't want to lose you. Near you, he has a scene of purpose.

🃏 His purpose - be in your life. To make you feel happy.

____________

Sigma grumbles under his breath, looking another scam message from your mailbox.

The same person has been trying to scam you for a while.

Sigma send the scam letter to Fyodor. He will help to deal with thief.

Parasite, that want to hurt you. Who wants to steal from you. He deserved to be punished.

Sigma looked at the Little Light, floating above him. One day, he will see the true you. One day, he will bask in your emotions. And he will give you a hug you want so much.

Nikolai Gogol

Fyodor Dostoevsky

🤡 Let's just say, after some time of internal conflict, reassuring words and conversations with other characters, Gogol will see you as the embodiment of freedom. A real person, who doesn't need to follow the plot and can do anything they want.

🤡 Gogol is one of the characters who became obsessed with you. He believes, that he will become free, if he stays near you.

🤡 Your influence broke the plot chains. Your influence make him realize, that he is fictional. Nikolai is grateful. He will do anything for you.

🤡 Like to watch videos with Circus performances with you. If you liked some magic tricks, will learn, how to do it.

🤡 He is perfectly sane, and knew, that killing is bad. But, for your sake, he will kill.

🤡 You are Their Guiding Light. You are his bird. He will fight for your freedom. For his freedom. For freedom of other BSD characters.

____________

Nikolai Gogol was angry. He heard from Sigma, that someone tried to steal from his Birdy. He wished he can drag the thief there. To make his last moments the real Hell.

Gogol wished, that you were there. His Birdy is so weak. They don't have ability. Everyone can take their freedom away.

Gogol looked at Little Light, circling around his hands. The proof of your existence. The proof of your emotions. Untouchable...

But don't worry. They are near. Soon he will be near you. Soon no one will dare to take away your freedom.

Fukuchi Ouchi

🐀 Became self-aware earlier, than other DOA members.

🐀 At first, he was simply curious about your world. Then, he became curious about you. Then, he became obsessed with you.

🐀 You don't have an ability. You live in the world with no abilities. His perfect world. You are perfect in his eyes.

🐀 Fyodor Dostoevsky is one of the hackers, who hacked BSD Mayoi Inu Kaikitan app. One of the creators of the portal.

🐀 Watch whatever you are watching. He just wants to spend time with you.

🐀 Perfection must be saved. And Dostoevsky will save you. He spent enough time to start trusting other characters. But he also won't stand back. He will protect you.

___________

Fyodor Dostoevsky smirked. Nikolai Gogol and Sigma were standing near him.

Fyodor has found the scammer. Found him and post all his personal information for everyone to see.

And put a special virus on their phone. The one, that will connect his phone to the portal. The scammer will be the perfect lab rat for a testing.

Bright light.

Scammer was laying there. Bleeding, but alive. Fyodor Dostoevsky smirked. The next second, Gogol's hand grasp scammer's head.

Little Light were floating above them, as always. And his Perfect Guiding Light will stay perfect and safe.

The next day, BSD gang find the body of a scammer. Fyodor, Nikolai and Sigma didn't hide, that it was their doing. That they have tested the portal and protected Their Guiding Light.

"Aren't you afraid, that 'Kamui' will be angry at you doing things without an order?" mocks Dazai, looking at Fukuchi.

Sigma was first.

"I was working for Kamui for three years. Never heard anything good from him. And Guiding Light were nice to me. They are more deserving of my loyalty."

Then Gogol.

"He promised me freedom. He lied. But Guiding Light is there. They are my freedom. They are more deserving of my loyalty."

And then, Dostoevsky.

"Kamui promised the world without sin. He failed. But Perfect Guiding Light already live in sinless world. They are more deserving of my loyalty."

Fukuchi Ouchi knew, that he has lost to you.

#self-awareau #self-awarebsd #bungou stray dogs au #bsd #bsd x gender neutral reader #bungou stray dogs #gender neutral reader #bsd anime #yandere #decay of angels #Self-Aware Decay of Angels

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brokenpieces-72 · 4 months

Text

Monster!141 x female! Jackalope/wendigo reader

CW/TW: poor eating habits, mentions of eating, mentions of human meat, crying, younger reader, note: in no way am I intending to offend anyone.

This was inspired by both @diejager and @bluegiragi and includes the reader character Hunter. This is also my first fanfiction being posted here and I have a couple to come if this one goes well.

A program is set up for hybrids that are considered difficult to control or dangerous to be around in public. Usually this is when their current living conditions are deemed as unsafe.

A jackalope with little knowledge of their own self fits both sides so locations and positions are set up for them to be in a safe controlled environment to learn how to keep themselves under control.

Price isn’t exactly happy when Laswell brings this to him. He’s not a babysitter and neither are his men. She explains to him there is little to be done and while she doesn’t agree with sending a vulnerable, uneducated, untrained teenager to a military base that deals with monsters, humans and hybrids alike, there isn’t much she can do either. Thankfully she does have some say in it, able to choose who comes on to the base. The files for candidates are sent to Price as well for review and upon looking at yours with a very dark and concerning past, he considers tossing it aside. Then he sees what hybrid you are. Having a few encounters in his past with hybrids like you he figures it would be safer taking you in then letting someone else get to you.

You do receive some training before transferring with a Retainer/handler who watches over you and determines whether you are ready to integrate into society. You aren’t sure if this will really help you join society but you figure it’s better someone taking you in rather than staying in the program. Price intends to put you to work after all and the location isn’t without risk. You’re told there are other hybrids on base, and you assume there will be at least a couple.

The first person you meet is Nikolai, the pilot for the awkward bumpy flight to base. He’s almost twice your height, plenty of people you have met are. You’re not very tall so not surprising, but you aren’t very used to people. Part of the program especially for you is keeping you isolated from most humans. His friendly attitude towards you is a little startling but you warm up to it quickly.

The flight was mostly your retainer setting ground rules and briefing you on what you will be doing. You would be training with him mostly, and doing everything he says. No stuffing your face, meals kept strict, and no seconds or late snacks. Nikolai calls you to the front halfway through the journey and lets you sit next to him. He could overhear your conversation with the retainer, wanted to give you a break from it while wanting to learn more about you.

You don’t have much to say, cause well you haven’t done much on your own. Well you do enjoy drawing, and reading. Sometimes writing is fun but that’s mostly it so far. He tells you a bit about the 141, recounting the small tales but while hinting at what hybrids you’ll be working with.

Soon you land on the base and exit the chopper heading towards the Task Force 141. In front is a dragon hybrid and next to him is a human, both in uniform. Names are exchanged and you’re led inside the base where you meet the others. You notice he’s missing a wing and his tail wrapping around the human’s leg. As a hybrid your instincts tell you what he’s doing. You’re not a massive threat to him being so young, but his body language makes it clear the value he puts in the medic and likely the rest of his men. He read your file, so you can’t blame him for being extra protective. You keep your head down as you’re taken inside with your handler.

You’re introduced to each of the 141 including the human, who asks to do a health assessment before anything else. Your retainer is strongly against this, insisting that you’ve already been cleared and don’t require one. There’s somewhat of a back and forth between them with you simply standing there. Your handler raises his voice and you have to dig your nails into your palm to not run off. You’re wondering if your should offer your own choice or ask someone what you should do while waiting. Price puts it forward that you get a check up so that Hunter can assess your conditions first hand.

You follow Hunter to their station in the infirmary, taking you to a private room. Hunter gets many looks while you follow them from the other soldiers with a couple even following with them to the room. You meet a harpy called Gaz and a werewolf called Soap. They stick closer to Hunter almost in a protective sense. Though each of them give you an acknowledgement. Soap has never smelled a hybrid like you before, and Gaz wasn’t sure what to make of you either. Your rabbit ears and antlers were hardly a cause for alarm though. You weren’t exactly intimidating. Hunter takes you into the private room while the two hybrids wait outside, offering to help them with paperwork and taking you to wherever you need to go next. The examination is very simple, checking to see your vitals, understanding how you worked so Hunter could help you on missions, and learning any instinctual habits you may have.

When Hunter asks you to take off your hoodie and remove your shirt, you do so. Their eyes go wide upon seeing your body. Your retainer’s “work” was evident by your rib cage and flattening stomach.

“When was the last time you ate?”Hunter asks.

When you tell them the last time you ate, they excuse themselves. You wait for about 15 minutes, when there’s a knock telling you to get dressed and come out. Gaz is still there but clearly Soap had left with Hunter. He takes you to a small room for you to bunk in for the next while.

You later find out Hunter had left the room and smacked your retainer for his methods. Even Price had to get involved to keep the two from getting more violent. Hunter is certainly a force to be reckoned with when it comes to patients. The handler believes that limiting your food intake will help you keep control. Hunter doesn’t agree with starving you, but Price can’t really argue with it.

The next while you’re training, and you do everything you can to keep up. Your limits are pushed and Price isn’t about to go easy on you. Partially cause he hopes the retainer will increase your food intake. It’s a lot, and Hunter doesn’t like seeing you running laps and drills knowing you haven’t been eating much. You push yourself hard, not giving in to judgements from humans or the other hybrids. It doesn’t matter if you’re the last or the worst or even fail the most, you keep pushing.

Meals are strict, with small but reasonable portions for you and eating by yourself in your room. For the next while this becomes the routine, with the occasional snack being slid to you by Hunter. It does make sleep difficult and your stomach growls periodically. Soap takes notice right away how bad it is, your stomach is almost like a random alarm for him, that he can’t shut off.

“You hungry?” He asks sarcastically. You shake your head, only for your stomach to object again. Soap rolls his eyes.

“Take a couple.” He says offering you some of his snacks. When you try to turn it down, he starts insisting harder. “Come on, the noise is drivin me bloody mad. Take em, a few won’t kill ya.”

You do so, and you take another couple after. Soon enough he’s slipping you pieces of his snacks when your handler isn’t around, like chips or cookies.

You have to go to school still, off base and some jerks decided to lock in a closet. Despite your protests and pleas they decide to leave you there overnight. You have a few snacks but you can feel yourself getting increasingly hungry, and you know it won’t be long until you lose it. You try your handler but they aren’t picking up. You don’t want to but you call Soap who picks up groggily.

“The hell is callin…”

“Soap it’s me…I’m really sorry…”

“…kid? The bleeding hell you still doing up?Wait, where the ell are you?”

You explain you’re stuck and hungry and really need help.

“Alright alright…I’m on my way… you need food?”

“Yes.”

He sighs and asks what you want to eat, if there’s any comfort food you have while he’s getting his shoes and pants on.

“Are you mad…” you ask in a small voice he can just barely hear over the phone. He’s been in Highschool as a hybrid and had people pick on him, call him a mutt yank at his tail, try to get him in trouble and whatnot.

“I’m mad at the pieces of shite that did this to you. What do you want to eat?” He says. You tell him and wait patiently after he hangs up.

Gaz is woken up, and looks over.

“Was goin on…” Gaz asks.

“Kid is stuck at school. Literally.” Soap says, lacing his shoes.

“She have food?” Gaz mutters rubbing sleep out of his eyes.

“No, so I’m getting her some.”

“What she want?”

Soap tells him and he orders it for pick up before getting dressed himself.

“What is she still doing at school?” Gaz asked pulling his hoodie on. “Little help?”

Soap helps get Gaz’s wings through the slots on his hoodie as he explains. Gaz can relate. He’s been bullied as well, and he’ll you’re a kid with a strong will. It’s not fair for you to be pushed so hard only for school to make you feel like shit. They pick up the food and head over to the school.

“Come on.” Soap jogs to the door and tries it. “Mother…they don’t check if anyone’s still inside?”

Gaz takes one of his feathers off and picks the lock. Gaz opens it and Soap shifts and gets in, as soon as he can fit through the door.

“Kid you here?” He yells. Nothing. Gaz comes up behind him.

“I want to make a lassie joke so hard right now.” Gaz admits, while Soap picks up your scent and hurries off up and down the halls, trying to figure out where you are. He starts scratching at a maintenance door. Gaz knocks on it.

“Kid you in there?” He calls.

“Y-yes!” You call back.

“We’re gonna help you okay? Just hold tight.”

“Gaz move.” Soap says. Gaz just barely gets out of the way before Soap manages to smash it in. They find you curled up and clutching your stomach. Gaz flaps away the dust before stepping over the broken remains of the door. He gives you the bag ripping it open and you hands go in quickly. You avenously eat away at the first thing you get, a still warm hashbrown . One bite and you stand up but Gaz keeps you sitting.

“Don’t choke, finish that first.” He orders. You do as he says a mutter through mouthfuls, “sorry.”

“So what exactly happened?” Soap asks.

“They pulled my ears and kept asking to see my tail… kept telling them I didn’t have one.” You mutter, finishing the hashbrown. “A few of them grabbed me and shoved me in here…kept calling me ‘bunny’ and ‘rabbit’. Said they would stuff me later.”

“No one’s stuffing anything except the assholes that did this and where it don’t shine.” Soap growls. I’m the dark it’s a little more intimidating with yellow glowing eyes. Gaz stretches a wing around you and gives you another piece of the order to munch on while helps you out of the room. You go on about how they kept messing with you in various childish ways. They had yanked your ears, played with your horns and called you a bunny breeder. Gaz and Soap get you into the backseat and encourage you to keep eating.

“You got made fun of by the teachers pet?” Soap asked a little surprised.

“He said I was the new class pet.” You say. “Then he wouldn’t stop saying I had to eat carrots and wasn’t allowed to have any of the snacks I brought.”

“You ignore em?”

“Tried, but then he started telling me I shouldn’t be snacking and had to eat ruffage.”

“Wow…” Gaz says. “You could always threaten to gnaw on his pencils.”

“Hows the food?” Soap calls from the front.

“Good. I should stop though.”

“You almost finished?” Soap says checking on you in the rear view.

“Uh…halfway?” You relay after checking the bags contents.

“Keep eating.” Soap says.

Gaz gives Soap a look.

“One meal won’t kill her.” Soap says quietly.

“Thank you for getting me.” You say.

“Hunter would have my head.”

Sadly your bonding time doesn’t go unnoticed and Price calls you all into the office. Your handler is unhappy you didn’t try contacting him first, and you stay quiet. Price chews out Soap and Gaz for B&E and property damage, until they explain what had happened to you. He’s a bit more lenient but not by much.

You, Soap and Gaz have definitely bonded more and at this point you’ve sort of become the team’s pup. Soap and Gaz teach you fight hand to hand, and they’re careful with you at first. You’re younger and smaller but you don’t hold back against them. They show you some maneuvers and Gaz uses his hardened feathers for knife training, going slow and giving you the chance to bat away his strikes. Off time is spent with them, getting a chance to go climbing or hanging out in the rec room. Soap teaches you how to play football, and Rudy and Alejandro join in as well. Soap and Alejandro definitely start showing off their speed and strength to the point you and Rudy find it safer to watch from the sidelines with Gaz. One wrong kick makes all your caution warranted, as you have to shoved Rudy over and the ball takes off part of your antler and is pierced in the process. Hunter gave Soap a very harsh talking to afterwards, and made sure you were okay.

Your handler over time becomes less and less involved with you but maintains your eating routine. He keeps your training high giving you exercises daily, that keep you busy from dusk til dawn. It’s exhausting and Hunter does express some concern to your handler who eventually gives in and increases your food intake some more.

Soap and Gaz have basically taken over your sparring sessions, keeping you trained and ready for anything. You have found a couple weaknesses when you go one on one. If Soap shifts to werewolf, you can get him with belly rubs.

Rudy had started showing you some tracking skills, and even introduced you to his dog spirits. Both spirits are weary of you at first with the red and black growling while the other stayed close to its vessel protectively. After calming them, Alejandro shifts to a panther or jaguar based on the terrain and becomes the target to track. At first he makes it easy but since you don’t hold back on Soap and Gaz he doesn’t hold back on you. You and Rudy both have to try and find him before he finds you, which is a bit of a 50-50. Your own skills as a hybrid are shown to be useful in more wild and natural terrain. In fact you become the one to be target and the two of them actual find some difficulty locating you.

“She couldn’t have gotten that far yet…” Rudy is scratching his head, genuinely dumbfounded. Alejandro shifts back next to him looking at his partner.

“Fast learner.” He says.

“Si.” Rudy sighs before jerking forward, hit in the back from behind. “Agh!”

Alejandro checked Rudy’s jacket and found a stain from a paintball. They both look up and towards where the shot had come from. There they see you behind a tree covered in dirt and mud, trying to hold back the grin on your face. The two men look at you surprised, and even Alejandro is stunned that he couldn’t detect you, while the white and blue cadejo trots over and barks at you, tugging at your clothes with his teeth. The two men look at each other baffled how you got 15 feet away from them without either noticing. Alejandro waves you over to them.

“Fall in corporal, back to base.” He calls over and you get up from your hiding spot. Your legs were dirty and…wet? The ground was damp but you were almost soaked.

“You take a bath Mija?” Alejandro asks crossing his arms.

“No sir.” You answer, shaking your head.

“You’re wet though.” Rudolfo comments, noticing the state of your pants as well.

“Yes sir.” You reply. Alejandro gives a half grin.

“Why are you wet corporal?” He asks.

“The river sir.” You answer. They hadn’t told you about the river nearby, not to mention it was a few clicks further than they had expected you to reach. You take note of their expression and shift slightly in place. “Should I not have…?”

“Por el contrario, you did very well Mija.” Rudolfo says.

“Very good.” Alejandro comments. “You cold?” He asks. You shake your head. There was a chill but it didn’t bother you. They take you back to base.

Missions go fairly well though you are often knocked down. It can be hard when you’re up against many other hybrid creatures. Ghost comes to your aid before any fatal blows can be made, consuming enemies in his shadows when he wasn’t slipping out of them to slit enemy throats. The lieutenant didn’t agree with bringing someone as young as you on missions, and hated that he was playing babysitter half the time. Ghost can sense something off about you though. Maybe it’s your smiling, or your friendliness, of this odd presence that seems to surround you like an aura. Either way, you show yourself to be a fast learner and strong soldier. Your main focus is to incapacitate enemies, even though you’ve been taught where vitals are and how to use a gun and a knife quickly.

“Would make life easier to kill… that’s what soldiers do.” He comments. You look out at the men he’s fed on. You’re quiet thinking for a moment before responding.

“If I killed all of them though…you wouldn’t get to eat as much.” You say with a cheeky smile. His expression doesn’t change.

“Don’t worry too much. Focus on your safety first.”

“Yes sir.” You say losing the smile. He’s not wrong. After that you ask Ghost for help with laying killing strikes. Not in the field but in training. He agrees mainly because you’ve shown promise and a willingness to improve yourself. Knife training with him is rough usually leading to you getting winded and on your back.

The hands on learning is honestly better than anything else though and your exercise routines just become a warm up. You look forward to everything and take everything seriously, asking questions and showing interest in what is presented to you. Weapons training is a bit daunting, as the guns are a bit heavy, but you find your skills work good with unconventional weapons. A slingshot proves strong with you, and even crossbows. Price helps you with improving your poor aim and there are times where you will spend almost an entire night just trying to hit the targets set in front of you.

Your handler is an afterthought except when you get invited to eat with them. He’s right there ready to tell you you can’t eat with them and your food is in your room. You excuse yourself and eat alone again. However on the nights he’s away you do take the opportunity to sit with them, and just bring your food out of your room. The amount while bigger is still small for a soldier, even for a teenager. Most of them assume it’s an insecurity for you so they don’t pressure you to eat more, or comment on it. Soap offers some of his snacks still.

Hunter is instructed when the handler goes on leave to give you meals he has premade for you. They have half a mind to toss them and get you to eat with everyone else, however much you wanted, but they leave the opaque container in your room as instructed.

You don’t eat any of it though. You recognize the smell and are both disturbed and distraught. No. Not that. Memories come flooding back, ones you wanted to stay buried. It takes everything not to break down, and your stomach is churning and begging for sustenance.

Do you tell someone? Would anyone believe you? Should you eat it? No of course not! But you’re so hungry and your mouth is watering. The scent makes your stomach do hard and painful flips, as if there was a grinding wheel whipping around in your belly. You try to look for snacks that you may have hung on to from Hunter but find nothing. The hunger starts to consume your thoughts faster than you’ve consumed anything. Your body starts to alter, you teeth grow sharper, your sense of smell grows stronger and you cling to yourself.

Hungry hungry hungry…starved…

You act fast and get your pillow case, tying it in your mouth, before getting your hoodie on and bolting. You’re fairly agile in your human form and your desire for sustenance drives you forward. Meat is everywhere but you don’t want it. You don’t want to want it. Any soldiers you pass, you keep your head down, and rush past them. You don’t even look up for your teammates calling for you, and instead bolt faster. You finally get outside and sprint for the woods with soldiers calling after you, and trying to stop you to figure out what’s going on. It isn’t long before your body shifts and contorts and you smell meat nearby.

Eat…eat…

Your sudden leave doesn’t go unnoticed. At first, your team saw you and thought you had to hurry somewhere or didn’t see them. Then Alejandro and Soap passed your door while talking.

“Hunter really told you no more football?” Alejandro asks.

“Won’t stop me from playan, but they did warn mae ‘bou-“ Soap and Alejandro both freeze in place smelling the food in your room, the door shut. What the fuck? They look at each other disturbed and in shock. Soap opens the door and his eyes widen in shock seeing what was inside the container.

“Steamin bloody Jesus.” He says while covering his nose and mouth with an arm. Flies buzzed around the human organs you were served in the container.

“The hell kind of diet is this, Mija?” Alejandro says under his breath. Soap puts the lid back on and takes it to Hunter. No way they would do this, but they likely knew who did.

“OI! Hunter!” Soap yells.

“Soap! Gods, please knock next ti-“

“The bloody hell is this!?” He demands holding up the container. Hunter is confused.

“The corporal’s meal? Why do you ha-“

Without wasting anymore time he sets it down and opens the lid enough for them to see. Hunter stands up from their desk quickly, and in shock.

“Soap the fuck is wrong wi-“ Hunter starts.

“The fuck kind of meal is this!” Alejandro barks.

“What?!” Hunter is just as confused.

“This is the corporal’s meal.” Alejandro clarifies.

Hunter is just as disturbed as they are and goes into the storage where the rest of your meals were being kept for the time of his leave. They found more organs and human remains. Hunter wasn’t sure whether to be pissed, disgusted or distraught.

“What the bloody… I’m taking this to Price immediately this is beyond fucked. Where’s the corporal right now?” Hunter demands to know. Soap recalls seeing you running down the hall.

“She’s run off.” Soap concludes. Hunter takes a moment to breath and calm themselves, somewhat relieved.

“She could be anywhere by now.” Alejandro adds recalling your tracking lessons.

Hunter heads for the door and the two hybrids follow as they go to the captain’s office. He looks up from some papers before standing, seeing the door open.

“The corporal is MIA.” Hunter states. Price is confused until they explain what was in the food. Price is angry, ready to roast the retainer upon his return but you are more important along with any bystanders. A search is put out and human soldiers are instructed to stay on base while Task Force 141 along with Rudy and Alejandro track you down. Price knew there was too much of a risk for regular humans to be close to you in this state.

The cadejos catch your scent and lead the search with Rudy keeping a watchful eye for any movement. Alejandro and Soap follow the scent and cadejos with Hunter riding Soap’s back to assist them. Gaz had taken to the sky trying to find you from above and cover more ground. The scent is how they follow you but they know you’re in the area by the sounds of screeches and unearthly clicking. Price hasn’t heard noises like that in a very long time. Ghost advises caution to everyone while he moves through the shadows and senses death all around them. He soon finds it as well.

At first a couple of bisected birds and bitten voles were traces. The deeper they went the bigger the animals. Soon it was small boars that had their meat stripped. There were a few large birds that had managed to escape but were bleeding. A few foxes were limping and cowering in their dens. When the team finally found you they kept their distance with Ghost being the closest to you, discovering why he had felt uneasy around you.

You were gorging yourself on the carcass of a large elk, and stuffing handfuls of blood and raw meat into your mouth savouring every bite. Dark crimson caked your mouth and hands as you continued eating, getting into your hair every time you decided to literally stuff your face. Your boney limbs and sharp fingers clawed pieces and your jagged sharp teeth tore into thicker, tougher parts. Gaz lands in one of the tall trees while Alejandro circles around slowly and quietly planning to flank you if you tried to bolt, his oanthef form slinking around in the underbrush keeping distant and cautious. Soap proceeds closer, slowly. He has Hunter on his back and at the moment was a muscled riot shield for them. You continued feeding ignoring them all, when Soap noticed the screeching had stopped and heard your muffled whimpers and sobs mixed in with the sounds of your eating.

He moves closer and closer, letting Hunter walk next to him.

You stop eating to wipe your mouth fruitlessly. That’s when you notice the large wolf standing before you, staring at you with eyes that seemed to glow in the dark. In the moonlight he could see your tears, lightly cutting through the blood and grime on your face. Your eyes were pure white, and almost void of life. Hunter came up next to him, and you start to scramble back, worried you might go for them.

“Hey hey, no it’s okay. You’re okay…” they reach into their med bag and took out a chocolate bar, tearing off the wrapper for you and offering it. It was like an animal trainer trying to get their charge to trust them. You slowly crawl over, eyes blank and white, but docile.

“Let’s make it a bit smaller.” They mutter. Hunger breaks a piece and you back away again, crawling on all fours. Hunter leans in a bit, offering the smaller piece to you. You take it gingerly and bite down on the candy. When the human medic offers the rest, you dig into it, eating it like nothing had gone wrong. Like you hadn’t run off, shifted and started gorging on the elk carcass right next to you. The area was quiet while your team watched as you continued eating. The snack was so good, so much better than the carcass.

It had happened again. You lost control again. You were a monster and you killed so many innocent animals. Tears continued to fall as the regret set in. When you smell human meat and you’re hungry, it can set you off, making your only thoughts to be “eat”. Animals weren’t as effective hence the number you had taken out. Human food, like the candy, was a middle ground. It would take some time to bring you back to your human state, and taking less to do so.

When you finally spoke, all you could croak out was a small and raspy, “sorry”.

Hunter offers you some more food, proper food, and you eat it slowly, trying not to make yourself sick. First it was the chocolate bar, and then some crackers, an apple, some water, a few carrots. Your beastly features begin to dull, and you feel yourself growing tired. Hunter moves closer with every bite and holds you close while you cry into them, and continue eating the food they give you. Soap curls himself around you preventing escape and trying to comfort you and protect Hunter. Neither of them worries about the blood, they had worse before. Soon you tucker yourself out and Hunter picks you up, and gets back on Soaps back.

“Price, target found and incapacitated. Returning to base.” Ghost said over comms.

“Copy Lt.” Price responded through a long sigh of smoke.

When you woke up you had food next to you on the bed, and Soap asleep in a chair. He wakes up to see you eating the food left for you, and smiles.

“Mornin’ Corporal.” He says.

“I’m sorry.” You say.

“Don’t. You didna do anythin wrong.” He said. He ruffles your hair which you realize had been cut off rather awkwardly. Apparently the blood was too thick to wash, and cutting it was the safer option. You didn’t mind.

For the rest of your handlers leave, your eating becomes top priority. If you try to skip meals, you’re hauled to the mess hall, or get a protein bar in your hand. You get firm reminders that your actions that night are not your fault. Hunter is ensuring you get your meals at regular times, and that you’re staying healthy in your eating habits. They’ve also taken to checking your weight, and body, which regains some pounds. Meanwhile paperwork is being shifted around and sorted and handed and signed making a report about what happened and the illegal obtainment of human organs and their distribution. Laswell is more than pissed and ensures your handler is kept off base for longer than he had intended to be.

A couple months go by of you recovering and getting into a healthier routine. You mention to your team that your form is much different and (you later learn) the one they had seen happens when you get hungry and are unable to eat. With this comes the chance to show off your monsterous form, which leaves them with surprised looks and a bit of shock. Your human form grows and your head is replaced by a deer skull, while your limbs shed skin and are replaced with natural wood, and your rib cage and a few other pieces are beared for them to see. Like Soap your clothes do get torn up, but you prepared with a blanket nearby.

You look down at them, and step back a little while they stare. Price smiles seeing what you are meant to look like, the full spirit creature. Price approaches you first and you go lower for him to meet your eyes. A hand is place on your skull and tilt your head.

“Welcome to the 141.” He says smiling. Soap steps up and shifts to his wolf form. You get down on all fours for him and he gives a soft headbutt against your shoulder which you return.

“Stuck with us now Corporal.” He barks.

Soap helps you feel more comfortable with your form, and helps you learn to move in it as well, alongside Alejandro. You find that while you’re bipedal, running on all fours does have some speed to it. You’re even more of a natural climber, able to launch yourself off large tree trunks and latch on to the next one, making any large enough forest a parkour playground. The cadejos are weary still but Rudolfo continues working with you on tracking. Alejandro is often busy having to assist the captain with paperwork. Gaz starts helping you instead, making your hiding even more fun, since he has the best sight out of everyone. Now you’re the target even more for them to find, which they assume won’t be hard with your immense size but your terrain becomes a part of you, and you it letting you hide almost in plain sight.

Ghost assists you in ways you weren’t expecting, as he helps you feel more comfortable with death. Now your sparring and take down sessions often come with a small talk. Taking a life isn’t easy, and given your story, he wants you to know you’re defending yourself and others. It’s not uncommon for you to get a bit carried away on missions now, as you’re able to charge with Soap into a fray. Your larger size makes it easy for you to forget your surroundings. It leads to more casualties than knock outs. Price even tells you what he knows about wendigos and works on getting as much information from you about the handler as he can. Price lets you use him as a target now for shooting range, given how much better your aim has gotten.

Your team becomes your family as older siblings, uncles and sometimes even dads. They pass on everything they can to you. At this point they’ve come to see you as the pup in their pack, the one they raise into a fighter and protector for the future.

Visual reference for wendigo form

#cod au #hybrid #hybrid au #john soap mactavish #simon ghost riley #alejandro vargas #wendigo #jackalope #captain price #rudolfo parra #kyle gaz garrick #kate laswell #dark content #young readers #female reader #cod oc

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ghost-rattan · 7 months

Note

Hello!! 🪶 Anon here again XD. Sorry for the confusion I gave you in the last request, my English isn't really good 😅.

Can I req for headcannons about how Akutagawa, Chuuya, Fyodor, Nikolai and Dazai acts around a s/o who has a pet snake that just hangs out around their neck all the time? (Maybe the snake is the reader's ability and that's why it's always near the reader.)

Agh! This is interesting! And sorry I didn’t understand! Sorry it took so long! Im honestly terrified of snakes so it made this a bit hard but I hope you like it! really hope this makes sense It took me days to write!!!!

Reader with a snake ability

tw! mentions of the bible in Fyodors part sucide warning in dazais

Context: you control this animal that can become any creature you wish it to be but the default is a poisonous snake

Chuuya

He thinks it’s so bad ass!

Chuuya adores your snake!

Jokes that you have a little family your snake being your kid

Imagine you are both in the pm and your snake just leaves you to go find Chuuya

HE DEFINITELY TALKS TO IT!!

“Hey little buddy!”

“Take Care of them for me while I’m gone”

On that he loves the fact when he isn’t there he knows you are safe because he knows your lovely snake will keep you safe no matter what

He pats your snake like a dog?!?!

I think at first he was a little scared of your snake but then he just fell in love with it <3

Gets you snake jewellery all the time

So far your favourite are these earrings with silver snakes that have real diamonds for eyes

Akutagawa

Akutagawa is honestly a big fan off snakes so I think he loves your snake

OK BUT IMAGINE YOUR SNAKE AND RASHOMON PLAYING TOGETHER

On that! before you both started dating Rashomon and your snake would always play and you would have joked that you are both a married couple and that they where your kids (as a joke) but poor boy blushed so hard

So with both of you having such powerful abilities you often team up

He also like your snake because he also is worried about your safety and he likes knowing your snake will always protect you

He does get jealous when you give more attention to your snake

Akutagawa will allow your snake rest on his shoulder

Buys you little gifts with snakes on it because it reminds him of you and he is certain your favourite animal is snakes (even if its not)

He will give your snake little scratches under its chin

Honestly great snake dad

Fyodor

At first he hated it this is because the world was corrupted because of a snake

But he is the devil and now he has a pet snake

Even though it is your ability your snake always follow him

He doesn't often like you using your ability as he doesn't like you hurting others (he sees you as some one to pure to kill or hurt another person while he is a sinner)

he personally finds the way you interact with your ability (he finds it cute)

unlike the others he doesn't get you any thing to do with snakes but he does get him self a snake ring but thats really far into your relationship

He does have an area in his office for you and your snake

Fyodor would say you can control the devil him self as he would do any thing for you and you can control a snake which he thinks represents a devil

nikolai

HE LOVES YOUR SNAKE!

Nikolai has at least 100 nicknames for your snake

his favourite is silly slithering slimy buddy!

it is his son now he will kill for your snake

on a serious note he does like your ability but he also feels bad as the snake will never have pure freedom as it is an ability

BUT he does spoil it because its retaliated to you! His one true love!

Like aku and chuuya he likes that your ability can keep you safe if he isn't there!

He loves buying you snake related things or even him self some!

I head cannon that he would spoil his S/o but in this he would spoil you and your snake

Your snake sleeps on the bed with you both

has its own special pillow - nikolai's idea

dazai

"MY DEAR CAN YOUR SNAKE STRANGLE ME!"

Dazai loves watching you play with your snake

"this little guy is still better looking than chuuya!"

thinks you are so bad ass!

you are often teamed up together!

Kunikida is scared of your snake so Dazai often will steal your snake to annoy Kunikida

He finds it so interesting that you have a snake for an ability though

will ask you about your snake all the time

im sorry but he wont let your snake sleep in your room! He want's you all to him self!

he some how gets in fights with your snake for your attention!

#bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs x reader #chuuya x reader #bsd headcanons #bsd x reader #dazai x reader #fyodor #fyodor x reader #nikolai x reader #akutagawa x reader

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daveedee · 2 months

Text

Ghost x OC who has a fear of open bodies of water.

TW: talk of drugs, fear of drowning, and kind of gory romantic imagery.

She hated water.

Didn’t matter the size, shape, nor color. If it was deep enough to drown she was out. Just looking at it made her throat feel like it was caving in on itself. Her head got dizzy and she had to hold onto something to regain a sense of self.

So how the fuck did she get here?

“Price why the fuck am I here?” The woman yelled in her mic, holding onto Ghost’s arm in the helicopter. They were in the air high over the Crimean Sea. She could feel the inky black water that was staring at her through the window seeping into her veins. Ghost tried to shake her off, telling her ‘that’s enough, cut the shit Sergeant.’, but her grip did not falter.

“Ghost, do you see that shit? What if we crash huh?” She shrieked, letting go of him and running her hands through her hair. The normal blonde mess that was normally let down was pulled up in a lazy attempt of a ponytail. It stuck out here and there and bumps were consistent throughout the top.

“Evans, if you don’t piped down back there and gonna toss you out the back.” Nikolais voice rang out through the comms. He was sitting in the front cockpit, piloting the heli.

“You would never.” She gasps, putting a hand over her mouth. Fear radiating through her body.

Ghost had his eyes locked on her anxious movements. He wasn’t used to her being like this. Calm and collective weren’t words he would use to describe her, but normally, frantic wasn’t one either. Her jokes and dark humor frequented his thoughts. He loved watching her pretty lips from the words ‘fuck you’ when she was mad. He knew just how her muscles were tense up when she was frustrated, how her grip on her tool would make her knuckles white. Even her sly smile when she knew she was getting away with something no one else could. That smile imprinted itself on the back of his eyelids and whenever he closed his eyes it showed up in the black fuzzy dots.

He wasn’t quite sure what to do. He knew part of the reason he had never seen her like this is probably because he had never seen her sober enough to get to this point. She had a whole cabinet of shit that would knock her ass out if it ever got this bad. Most of the time she couldn’t even get here because she was already high. She frequently said, ‘THC is a magical drug,’ and then would lay in the lawn chair she put in the garage watching YouTube on the TV she attached to the ceiling.

“I would now be quiet. Take one of those pills of yours-.” The Russian pilot tried to say before being cut off.

“Evans, do not. Evans, I repeat do not take anything. You must be sober on this mission.” Price’s voice, thick accent and all startled her in her headset. Price’s voice was commanding and controlling, yet had this warmness. It sounded like a father warning his kid to not do something dangerous. He was one of the reasons she hadn’t lost herself yet.

“So there you are! Despite me calling for you over and over, you respond when now?” She lectured, her voice shaky and desperate. She had moved from where she had been sitting, next to Ghost by the window, to the ground huddled in a ball. The ground was cold and metal. The sound of the heli vibrated her bones only adding to her unease. Her boots made this squeak noise that made her jump as she brought her knees to her chin.

“It was my smoke break Evans,” He chuckled.

“No it was not!” She fired back, rocking back and forth now, squeezing her eyes shut. All she could think about was how long it would take to fall from this height and straight into the water. Then how long it would take to drown and sink onto the seafloor. She imagined all the soldiers and equipment already laying there from past wars. They were in air space where fighting had been frequent.

Her thoughts then tumble like waves waiting to crash on the shore. First returning from its last crescendo, pulling back sand, rocks, shells in its wake. The force of the riptide causing destruction in its path. Then turning over and over, taking water into its clutches and holding it tight. Tight enough you could cut it up with the sharpest knife. It builds up and up creating height and weight, enough to take down the forces of enemies stronger than its original state. Then it’s all too much for gravity to hold, so unforgiving, the weight unbearable, the pressure roaring so loud. It was going to break her, it all was too much. It would pull her down to the bottom of the ocean, a rock on her chest, and the seaweed tugging her into its slimy arms. She would never go willingly, she would fight, and fight, until her lungs were about to pop without the promise of a next breath. She would suffocate and never give in. Never open her mouth and take that breath. Never let the wave crash.

“Evangeline, love, you are fine,” A hand rested on her back, the wave faltering in its place, shaking in anticipation. “I’ve gotcha.” The words touch her soul so lovingly, like fingers caressing her heart. It’s as if it had torn open her chest rib by rib. Breaking the physical barriers of her body just to please the emotional ones. As if a hand held her lungs softly and lovingly, soothing the pain. She bathed in that feeling, letting it overwhelm her. She’d rather drown in her own blood than the ocean. She would let her ribs crack and bleed then let the ocean consume her whole. So she took that breath, the one she held back so faithfully. She let go of the wave, watching it fade out onto the coast, caressing the sand.

The deep breath finally escaped her lips, her hands shaking as they held her legs to her chest.

“That’s my girl.”

#call of duty #simon riley #simon riley x oc #simon ghost riley #ghost mw2 #simon ghost x oc #call of duty oc #call of duty modern warfare #ghost call of duty #ghost cod #ghost fanfiction #fanfic #fanfiction #short

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svnflower-writes · 5 months

Note

Hey, if you are up to it can you write something with Nikolai Lantsov, where the main character is his first army general. and Maybe in a battle the mc got hurt very badly, And Nikolai is fully heart broken and panicked But still trying to play it cool so no one would realise he has feelings for her. So he goes to meet her late at night in her tent, just to check in, and you know make it a little hurt comfort fluff, or maybe add some angst, Up to you. I just need inspiration for a new before bed scenario/daydream

Nikolai Lantsov x fem!first army general!reader

Warnings: blood, injuries

thanks for the request!!

ok wait i’ve never written for the grishaverse so this may be terrible but we’ll see (also i wasn’t sure if you wanted him to be with the mc already or not but i made it an established relationship i hope that's okay xx) (I actually kind of hate this one ngl not my best work i'm so sorry but i hope its okay)

y/n isn’t used because i know a lot of people don’t like it, she/her pronouns used for reader

hurt/comfort + reader uses humour as a crutch A LOT + nikolai is very scared of being a disappointment :(

Many of Nikolai’s army generals have been hurt, and it always upsets him. But right now? It’s taking every ounce of self control not to go find you and hold you in his arms—but that would be weird on many different levels, partly because no one in the first army—or the world, at that—knew anything about what was going on between the two of you. It was only the early stages of your relationship, you’d been officially dating for a month. Although Nikolai wanted to tell people, you did not out of fear that your fellow members of the first army would see you differently—and Nikolai was a respectful man, he would never push you into anything you weren’t ready for.

So, when he heard the news that you were hurt, he had only just managed to keep himself from asking an obscene amount of questions as to where you were and how long ago the injuries had taken place, keeping it to a simple: “please make sure she gets her injuries treated to as soon as possible.”

Two hours after he had received the news, he sat in his tent, trying his hardest to get at least a little bit of sleep but failing miserably as he kept tossing and turning wondering if you were okay. He almost felt stupid, being so worried about you (he knew you were strong and you would get through this perfectly, and he had complete faith in you) but he really couldn’t help it. After another half an hour, he realised that he wasn’t going to get any sleep unless he knew you were okay. So, in the earliest hours of the morning, before the sun had even begun to bathe the army camp in warm light, he pulled himself out of bed. He hurriedly got changed and began his walk to your tent.

He arrived at your tent and quietly asked, “it’s Nikolai, can I come in?”

There was a short moment of silence before you responded, “yeah, of course. Was wondering when you’d show up.”

Once he was inside the tent, he looked around. His eyes seemed to soften at the sight of you alive and well, and a small smile graced his lips. “I’m kind of surprised you’re still up, darling. You should be sleeping so that you heal faster.”

You couldn’t help but laugh, “and yet, here you are. In my tent, keeping me awake.”

He grinned slightly, “just had to make sure you were okay.”

“Hmm, so you do this for every general who gets hurt? That must take you a lot of time—very thoughtful of you.” your teasing smirk made his heart leap slightly.

“Well, you are very hurt, sweetheart.”

“Oh, speaking of me being very hurt, could you pass me that fresh bandage? And the tray next to it?”

He instantly grabbed the bandage and tray, “are you okay?”

You nodded quickly, “yeah, some of the stitches broke just before you came in—I don’t want to wake up anyone so I figured I’d just do it myself.”

Nikolai frowned, “absolutely not.”

You sighed, “you’re not letting me fix the stitches? Do you want me to bleed out?”

“I just don’t want you to have to do it yourself, you deserve to have someone tending to your wounds.”

You scoffed lightly, a playful grin painting your features. “So are you going to tend to my wounds, your highness?”

“Yes.”

You blinked quickly, doing a double take. “What?”

He smirked, “I said yes.”

“I thought you’d just get someone-”

“Absolutely not.” he repeated his earlier words, “I’m going to help my girlfriend heal as soon as you possibly can, and I will do whatever I can to help you.”

As he took care of your stitches, the two of you sat in a comfortable silence until he spoke up.

“I was terrified when I heard that you were hurt.”

You watched his face carefully as he continued to speak.

“Couldn’t even sleep, I was so worried.”

You gently took his hand in yours, pressing a soft kiss to it before laughing gently, “well, if you think you were scared, imagine how I must have felt.”

Nikolai didn’t laugh with you, “that’s exactly what I was thinking. You were hurt and I wasn’t there for you when you got hurt and I should have been there and–”

You shut him up with a quick kiss, “no, don’t say that. It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault. You couldn’t have known.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive. Now focus on making sure I don’t bleed out, and then we can cuddle.”

#luc posts #luc writes #nikolai lantsov #nikolai lanstov x reader #shadow and bone #shadow and bone x reader #nikolai x reader #nikolai lantsov x fem!reader #grishaverse #grishaverse x reader #request #i actually hate this one ahhhh im so sorry #hurt/comfort

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xo-cuteplosion-xo · 7 months

Text

Elemental Hair Abilty Reader

My works on Tumblr are here

Synopsis: Reader’s hair is their ability, like an elemental spirit almost: HC’s Link to ask

Character(s): Chuuya, Fyodor (separately?)

Warnings: Past abuse mentioned (Idk I count cutting a child's hair that they cherished over them, not picking up some toys at 6 as abusive-)

Words: Chuuya=322 Fyodor=453 total 775

Chuuya:

Absolutely loves your hair

Like will not stop staring when you use it to threaten somebody

Can’t tell if he likes the danger of lava or the look of the wines more

Thinks you're absolutely stunning, absolutely the star of his eyes

The first time he saw you use it he was confused

He didn’t understand the use until he saw the absolute control you have of the movements.

Stealthy and strong

As his s/o he makes sure that nobody steps on your hair when you're sitting

And if you're on a mission, he covers blind spots and things you miss to keep you from harm.

He notices the pain you get from your hair being cut and of course how you grimace when on a mission and somebody cuts your vines

He’ll get really defensive and squash… I mean that literally… the soul that cut your hair.

He’s amazed at the strength you have and often apologizes for underestimating you when he first met you.

He’s always watching those around you, he won’t ever understand why you jolt when a stranger goes to touch your hair. He’ll never understand why you only let him touch it slowly… just the ends at first until he could finally rest his hand on your head or braid it.

He’s noticed a defense of yours when it looks like damage will be done to your hair, you make it into something that can’t be cut, like flowing tendrils of water or dripping blobs of lava.

He does try to understand your fears and when you are hurting he takes care of you. He tries to lessen the pain as much as he can. He holds you close.

And oh when he finds out what scarred you like this…

His hands will be all over making sure you're safe from them and perhaps beating it into them.

He doesn’t like when people hurt his love.

Fyodor:

Very interested

The second he found you, and saw that ability, he was intrigued.

He needed to understand it

Ofc he doesn’t get close right away but he works up to getting to know you

He watches you carefully

He notes how the ability works

He writes you like a book in his memory

Every flinch, each reaction to an event he memorizes as if they were simple words on paper

He doesn’t quite understand you, can’t seem to find the reason, only hypothetical equations to the events that have led to your current self.

He loves the “purity” of your ability

There’s so many uses for it.

From murder in all sorts of fun ways to punish the “sinners” of this world to saving through cauterizing wounds with the flow of lava to moving things.

You're a destructive force worthy of him

He may see you as somebody to move about in his game but oh are you his favorite piece.

A piece that can fit anywhere and everywhere.

Beautiful like an angel … his angel

He loves watching you switch from element to element.

It’s beautiful to see the transition start from the top of your head to the base unless you go from the ability to your natural state, slowly from the bottom it recoils to your natural length and splits into tiny pieces of hair.

He’s patient with you

Waits until you trust him

Then he makes a move, coiling hair around his fingers gentle and affirming as he plays with it.

He keeps his hands where your eyes can see, be that through a mirror or by keeping his hands full of your hair in front of you.

He waits until you are no longer stiff to ask for details, to confirm his theories.

Of course, he was right.

And that person, if they still exist, is gone.

Those who dare to “dirty” his angel should be punished, yes?

He adores you, his favorite piece in the game… a possible weakness.

Though outside the field in the comfort of each other, he doesn’t mind playing with your hair.

He’ll style it using tips he learned from Nikolai and boy… he’s horrible at it.

He can’t make an actual braid the first four times.

You have to guide him but he’ll never admit to that.

He tries to keep you from harm but when you are in pain because your hair has been cut he pulls a nice bath for you and lets you soak hoping to distract you from the hair.

He finds it interesting that your hair is like a limb… feeling pain as you do.

Each individual strand has its own life…

Truly angelic and spectacular.

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nrdmssgs · 2 months

Note

NSFW Alphabet of ZharxNikolai :D yes, I'm an asshole heheheheh

Zhar is an OC from A heart full of pity and Darker matters. Paired with Nikolai

Masterlist Ok, you obviously didn't know what was about to come, when you asked for this. I don't feel like writing a classic alphabet, because one for Zhar already exists and I was planning to make one for Nikolai (not with Zhar) one day. So instead of giving plain answers I considered using every letter as a small prompt to write a short scene. I have to split it into two parts, apparently.

Before him, Olga was always the one to pamper her partners. A shower, a warm towel running along their bodies, soft kisses, praises, lots of them - you name it and she delivers.

But with Nik it's different: by the time he's done with her, her throat is sore from all the moaning, her body is exhausted. So Nikolai takes his time, praising her for being such a perfect girl for him, kissing her face, holding her carefully.

She tries to flip him on his back, wrap him in a blanket, massage his muscles, but Nik doesn’t even think about giving in. She ends up in his arms under the warm running shower.

"Relax for me, Nebo, mm? Just close your eyes and let me take care of you."

His voice, warm droplets of water, then soft towel and pillows lull her to sleep. The world around plunges into darkness until his thumb brushes her lips, bringing her back to reality. A cup of tea waiting on the bedside table - he always makes one or brings one from the lobby bar after they make love. His little ritual.

"Drink, my treasure. I want more of your beautiful moans in the morning."

"Please don't hide from me."

"Nik, stop it. I'm showing some tact here. Don't want to ruin the moment."

She presses her back against the wall vigorously, not letting Nikolai take off her unbuttoned shirt.

"You are the moment." His lips trail down her neck, warm breath tickling her skin.

"You. Every millimeter of your body. No exceptions. This is the moment."

Nikolai doesn't have any special soft spots for scars per se, this is a completely other matter. It's her trust that makes him weak. Permission to touch burned skin, to cover it with kisses, a secret shared with him, a pain that he can quench - this is his moment, the best feeling, he ever gets.

She begs him to not move. "I might ruin your couch. Slow down, let me-"

Nikolai cuts her off, bucking into her and her pussy makes a squelching noise around his cock. He seems to not care for his furniture, all his attention concentrated on her breast in his mouth.

Guilt burns her alive. Olga is not used to leave any evidences of her orgasms. But if he continues this way...

"If you continue this way I-"

"You will get even sloppier? Will come all around me? That's exactly what I want. Now let go and let me think about my couch later, mhm?" His voice deep and dark, is reverberating in her ribcage while Nik is talking, pressing his lips against her chest.

Her last bits of self-control fly out of window, when he starts encouraging her.

"Let go and do it. Come for me. Around me, on me. Do it. Just let go."

Olga can't hate herself for what happens next. As the waves of pleasure wash over her body, she forgets all emotions, all feelings besides him moving relentlessly inside her. When her mind returns into her body - she lies on Niks warm chest, as he kisses her forehead and praises for how well she free she was.

"S`wet for me, you feel it? Little drops sliding down... Just as I wanted. Just as I will have you for many more times."

When Nikolai guides her hips down, guarding her left leg from the cold switches of the control panel, her mind goes blank. A thousand times she repeated to her self, that his chopper is a transport - not a place for... informal communications. Yet here she is, rolling her hips forth to meet his thrusts.

She is ashamed: instead of being the follow-worthy leader, the example, someone, who does work when at work, she's turning into a sloppy, whimpering mess around his cock. Shame on her. From now on, she will live with this dirty secret in the back of her mind. Shame-shame-shame.

She is yet to discover, that is not her whole secret. Because Nikolai had it planned. After so many 'theres nothing special about my body', 'stop it, you could do so much better than me' he was determined to show her, how wildly beautiful she is. The cockpit camera is usually off even when he takes his bird of iron on a mission. But not today. Good thing, Nikolai knows his control panel as his own hand. The switch flips silently.

Weeks later, he will sit her on his lap in their house and show her the video. But he won't stop there, oh no. Nikolai will bring a toy to get her off for multiple times, as she watches herself riding him.

"Don't you see, how perfect you are? My very own porn star."

Olga will only mewl, leaning back on his broad chest. She could have been flustered, could blush to this new secret, if she had any power after so many peaks.

Her body is the source of many pleasures and Nikolai makes sure, Olga remembers it.

"H-how do you?"

"Years of practice, treasure." He nibbles on her earlobe, while his fingers change pace yet again. Olga arches her back hissing, and he immediately brings the other hand to her face. His knuckles brush against her teeth before Nikolai starts fucking her mouth with his fingers.

Olga thought, she knew her body well enough, but this man seemed to have cracked the code long before meeting her. The things, he did to her... Even she wasn't capable to bring herself so high.

She needs him inside. Not just a few fingers, she needs his cock, craves for this feeling of him filling her. She doesn't even notice as her hips start hips move in their own clenching, sopping, tightening rhythm.

Nikolais lips curl in a victorious smile. Years of practice. Everything preparing him to hold this treasure, to take care of her, to ruin her.

When his mic is off, he leaves sloppy open-mouthed kisses against Olgas throat while he holds her down by the hair roots. She blushes desperately despite this being just a phone call. Audio only.

"Yeah, John, I don't know. She's my most valuable asset. It takes hella time and money to raise a decent urban strategist..."

"M-hm, you tell me that, you greedy ass."

As Price goes on grumbling, Nikolai pulls her closer to his chest. It's not enough for him to just have her half on his lap, so his hand casually slides down her shoulder and kneads her breast through the shirt. Olga squeezes her eyes shut and shakes her head.

"You may have stolen me of a soldier, but you don't get to lock her in Chimera exclusively..."

"Don't I now?"

Another hand snakes beneath the waistband of her pants, spreading Olga for him while she squirms. She bites down her lip, trying to not make a single sound as Niks fingers curl inside her. She's grinding against him, feeling, that she's not the only one on the edge. Nikolai is just a better actor as his voice remains absolutely calm even after she wrapped her fingers around his thick shaft and got it out of his pants.

"Ok, just promise me, you will let her know, I need her for that mission."

"Planning your wife's Birthday is not a mission, Captain," Nikolai hides the sharp inhale under the dark chuckle. "But ill let Olga know, when she's back."

Not even a minute passes after Price hangs up, as Nik lifts Olga up from his lap and bend her against his desk.

This man is sometimes the enigma to Zhar. A few months ago he wore this famous shit eating grin, while she asked him repeatedly to stop teasing her, when they were back on the TF base. Of course, he never stopped, never resisted pulling her to some dark corner and kiss passionately, chuckling "Someone is afraid, her former Captain discovers her in hands of his pilot?".

But now it is another person before her. He seems to stop breathing, when she plants the first kiss on his lips. Just watches her in pure ave and fear of moving accidentally and thus destroying this precious moment.

Maybe it's his capture, maybe it's her earlier plead to banish her - but this time he is completely lost in her. Not a single drop of mockery, not a single joke. Nikolai doesn't let go of her face as they are making love. Each thrust, every stroke is so careful as if this is a religious act to him.

Eventually, his playfulness will return. But that time Olga learns, this man, her enigma, has many approaches to her.

She thought, she never really cared for how much her partner's body was covered with hair. It was their comfort, what was of most importance to her.

But when Nikolai rolled up his sleeves for the first time before her, when he got rid of his shirt later... It was embarrassing, how her mouth watered just from a single look at him. He wasn't just broad and massive. With every rise and fall of his breath, pale light ran across the hairy chest.

This man was the treat, a walking temptation. As Olgas gaze slipped down, she bit her chicks to remain visibly calm. Never before she cared for it, but for the first time in her life she could explain, why the happy trail is indeed happy: it was an invitation, salt and pepper, darkening broad line with silvering hair here and there, leading her gaze lower.

"Like what you see, Nebo?"

It comes in circles: at first he's all about the tease and play. Every gesture and phrase serves a single purpose - the temptation. Nikolai is patient, so any amount of time invested is worth of what he's about to get - her panting and trembling in his hands.

After that Nik switches to soft and caring - he wants to be her safe space until there are no clothes left on her, and she's practically begging for him. That's when this man becomes serious.

When fucking her, not just playing around, not teasing, but claiming her, bringing her to one peak after another, Nik is serious.

When they spend a lot of time apart, Nikolai provokes her. Perhaps sending a photo would be easier, but it's not enough for him to just tease her. Oh no, this man has completely different plans.

When there is the nighttime in her time zone - he sends an audio. His velvety voice telling her, how he misses her, what would he do with her, if she was lying next to him right now. Telling her in smallest details, what hes doing to himself right now...

Nik knows, his voice works wonders. All that is left is to wait for 10-15 minutes and call her.

"Am I interrupting anything, Nebo?"

"You? No, nothing special."

"Then whats with the shortness of breath im hearing?"

She is very resistant to answer, but Nik never intends to shame her. If anything - he loves the fact, that his voice alone is enough to make her come. He just wants to be by her side, when it happens. So he guides her through forgetting shame and modesty and touch herself the way, he would.

It feels almost unfair how Nikolai has so many levers to pull to mentally bring Olga on her knees, while she still knows next to nothing about the things, that make him weak.

"You're my biggest turn on already, don't know, what more is there to seek, Nebo." Zhar has to eat up this answer every time until one evening.

He had it coming: Nikolai was too arrogant, teasing and frivolous. He should have thought twice before every commentary, he let himself. But Nik havent, so now there he is: hands tied behind his back, the rope digs into the skin on his chest with every breath, Olga hovering over him. He tries to reach her lips, to bargain for mercy with a kiss, but her fingers drown in his hair and pull his head beck.

"Did I grant you a permission?"

No, she didn't. And Nik is well aware of that. But his heart beats so fast, his thoughts run wild, he's long past the moment, he could control himself. He manages to take a deep breath and collect himself enough to muster a plead.

"Please do that again, pull my hair... as you ride me."

She enters the hall swiftly, striding ahead, not paying attention to anyone around. Seriously, sometimes Nikolai believes, that he could capture Makarov, throw him on the floor, and Olga would just step over him, not even slowing down. Because now she's pissed. Something went south on her mission, obviously. Other Chimeras are already familiar with her angry eyes, so they tend to immediately find some urgent business to just avoid Zhar.

Nikolai puts his instruments down, but doesn't move and inch away. Reaching him, she takes his hand and drags him deep into base.

"Ty byl khoroshim droogom, komandir,*" (You were a good friend, commander.) says Yegor not actually hoping, that Nikolai would hear him.

As she leads him down the halls, Olga mutters something about idiot politicians blocking their biggest contract and unzips her gear. She lets go of Nikolais hand only once to throw her jacket and coat away. Nik grins secretly: he knows where she's taking him. There are so many places more comfortable, more safe, more commodious for blowing the steam off, but Nikolai wouldn't trade them all for that one place. The very special one.

Streams of hot water touch her body while she is still half dressed. Olga doesn't care. Now she is so furious that she does not care about her clothes or random glances that may inadvertently notice that something completely unprofessional is happening in the common showers. It's adrenaline talking: she doesn't even kiss Nik - she hungrily bites his lower lip, as her fingers run over his belt.

Nikolai never protests though - these rare episodes of her not giving a fuck about anything, but him are precious to him. So his favourite memories always float around that shower.

Nik is so normal about the curve that the back of her neck and her spine are drawing together. The way Olga bends, sitting in the chair backwards right before his desk, the way her wrists intertwine, as if tied with an invisible rope... Oh, he's ok about that. Definitely paying attention to whatever nonsense of a pitch, Krueger is delivering to them both. Totally not tearing the last bits of her clothes in his dreams right now, not tasting her skin, not devouring her moans, not loving her so softly, not fucking her mercilessly.

Nikolai is very much ok, stable, in control. Until Krueger leaves them two alone finally. Olga stretches, reaching out for some invisible target above her, and leans back slowly and smoothly until her shoulder blades rest on the desk. Her lips are so close. Almost too close to not...

"So? Somebody wants a new toy so badly, he even made a full presentation. Thoughts?" A smile so innocent as if she wasn't teasing him with this mesmerizing line oh her collarbones, her scent, sending his mind spinning and boiling in desperate hunger.

And is if wasn't enough, as if his teeth weren't grinding in anticipation of claiming her, marking her skin, Zhar adds the final nail to Nikolais coffin.

"My commander has no more toys?"

"Go lock my door, treasure." Niks lips hover in mere centimeters from hers. "I'll show you, what I have."

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sapphicsaints · 1 year

Note

What if reader was Nikolai’s sister who’s in a relationship with Tamar and when they’re at sea they can actually be together but on land they can’t because it’s forbidden, maybe a jealousy one where her parents are pushing reader into an arranged marriage.

princesses get what they want

Tamar x Reader

Word Count: ~2.3k

Summary: “I’ll figure it out. Princesses are used to getting what they want.”

“Oh and am I something you want?” Her eyes glimmered with a challenge.

A/N: Thank you so much for the request! I had fun writing this.

I was pissed when Nikolai said no to me accompanying them on the whaler. But he had a point - it’s too risky to have both of us together, to chance the Darkling recognizing us. Tailoring only went so far. We can’t shake the mannerisms we share, even the crew suspect we’re related, although they don’t know our true identities. Plus, it would be a shame for Ravka to lose both of their spares in one go.

“I can’t trust you not to snap back at the Grisha.” He didn’t face me, still stood pouring over a map.

My eyes narrowed. “Can’t trust me?”

His head snapped over his shoulder. “You know as well as I do that your attitude can be … volatile.”

I scoffed. “I have self control.”

“Do you not remember the fight you got in with the Grisha children? How did that end last time?”

“With a few bruised egos.” I laughed at the memory. Nikolai didn’t laugh. I’d caused quite the headache, and he’d been the one to explain it to my mother.

Tamar snickered from the corner and I shot her a glare. She’s not helping the situation.

I couldn’t help the relief I felt when Tamar returned safe, nor the anger when Nikolai announced she’d be sharing quarters with the Sun Summoner. I dragged him away to have a quiet, but heated exchange.

“You didn’t bother to ask me before kicking me out of my room?” I hissed.

“There’s a better room for you.” He tried to soothe.

“Oh you know that’s not the reason.”

He winced, looking around for someone to come interrupt. I poked a finger into his chest. “You owe me one.” He nodded before waving Privyet over, I took that as my chance to leave and find Tamar.

I intercepted her on her way back up to get her rations. “Did you agree to this before?” I asked through clenched teeth.

“I found out when you did.” She shrugged.

“You’re not upset?”

“Of course I am.” She said, with a tone of surprise, “But I can’t question him in front of everyone.”

I sighed, she has a point. “I’m stealing you for a few hours.” I said, before dragging her back down, she laughed.

“Are you excited to be back?” Alina asked as we walked into our lodgings for the night.

I looked at her, it was a genuine question. “I’d rather be anywhere else.” I answer drily. Tolya chuckled behind me.

“Why?” She pushed.

I sighed, not in annoyance, but explaining the situation might make it a bit more real than I want to.

“Come on,” I said, and tugged her up the stairs towards our room. I shut the door and sat on the windowsill, motioning for her to take a seat. She sat on my bed, looking vaguely uncomfortable. The door opened again, Tamar walked in and leaned against it. I didn’t pay much attention to her, it would hurt too much to look at her now, and to explain this. Before she could say anything I started explaining.

“Once we get back, they’re going to start trying to marry me off.” Alina glanced toward Tamar, her expression stony. I couldn’t meet her eyes. “And I love being called a bastard.”

Alina’s eyes widened. I’m sure she’d heard the rumors, but confirmation is another thing entirely.

I chuckled darkly, “Mother couldn’t stay away from the Kaelish.” There was a bite in my voice, an edge. “Isn’t it obvious?” I said, waving my hand over my face. Neither of the women in the room commented, Tamar already knew but Alina seemed in shock. I pushed myself up from my seat, heading to the door. I stopped a few paces away, turning my head over my shoulder.

“I love my brother, but do yourself a favor and don’t marry him. Court is fucked up, you don’t want to be involved any more than you have to be Sun Summoner.”

I brushed past Tamar, “Always the dramatics” she whispered in my ear. I rolled my eyes but walked out. Hopefully she wasn’t on guard duty tonight, and I could steal her for a few hours.

“You like it.” I said, and closed the door behind me. I heard her talking to Alina behind me, but didn’t reply. My shoulders sagged as I walked out the door. I felt it coming back - the burden. I didn’t like it.

“You’ve finally returned.” Mother kissed both of my cheeks and I had to fight the urge to cringe back.

“Did you not get any of our summons?” She asked.

“They must’ve been lost.” I replied, my voice a bit distant. The tone I'd always adopted at home. I saw Tamar glance at me out of the corner of my eye, but I didn’t dare look back. If there was a mirror nearby I'd have been able to see the mask that slowly set in place, the hardness that settled in behind my eyes. It’s a shame how quickly old habits settle back in. One glance at Nikolai, and I saw it on him. My eyes narrowed as I watched Vasily sitting next to ‘father’. The hatred that swarmed through my body threatened to burst through, the one who’d made my life living hell growing up. The tension must’ve been palpable because I felt Nikolai’s hand on my shoulder.

“It’s been a long journey.” He said, “We’ll settle in and return for dinner.” He steered me out of the room, hand on my shoulder, and I caught Tamar’s eye on the way out. I winked at her, and to her credit she didn’t break face - but I saw the amused glint in her eyes. At least one of us found it funny. It didn’t escape our parents' attention that we didn’t ask to be dismissed, that we left. It was a subtle threat - that we could leave again if we wanted to.

“Did we really have to come back?” I muttered to Nikolai as we walked out of the throne room.

“The walls have ears.” He replied, and I sealed my mouth shut. “We’ll talk later.” He finished, dropping me off at my room. I forced a smile on my face as servants began fluttering in and out, all but shoving me straight into the bath.

I agreed to meet her, just past sundown, on the grounds. She said there’s something she wants to show me. Sneaking past my guards and all of the servants dotting around too a bit of effort - and a little bit of blind faith, jumping out of the window into the soft bushes.

I landed with a grunt, and heard laughter coming from across the lawn. My eyes narrowed and I saw a figure running towards me. Her. She’s supposed to meet me somewhere else completely. I’m struggling out of the bushes when her hand appears in front of me. I considered batting it away but ended up taking it and let her heave me to my feet, dragging me out of the bushes. I cross my arms to glare at her.

“You weren’t supposed to be anywhere near here.”

She laughed, a grin spreading across her face. The grin I love so much. “I couldn’t miss seeing the princess land in the bushes.”

“How’d you know I’d take the window? I could’ve snuck through the halls.”

“Past all the guards Nikolai has stationed?” She laughed again. “You’re good, but you wouldn’t have made it past the first set of doors before someone told him.”

I rolled my eyes. She has a point. Her eyes scan the surrounding area before she pulls me right into a tight hug. I squeeze back, holding on as long as I can. Eventually she untangles herself from me and kisses my forehead.

“I’ve missed you.” She murmurs, holding me back at the shoulders.

“I wish we could see each other more.”

Her hands drop, one taking mine instead. I took this for granted at sea, being with each other publicly, without any fears. “Let’s go for a walk.” She said instead.

We took the long way around the gardens. The silence felt tense for once, normally it was comfortable - easy.

“Mother wants me to start meeting suitors.” I said, my voice low. I saw Tamar’s shoulders tense.

“How do you feel about that?” She replied.

I stopped and turned to face her. “What do you think?”

“How am I supposed to know?” Maybe the hurt showed through my eyes because her eyes softened and she wrapped me up in another hug. “We knew this would happen.”

“I’ll fight it. I’ll find a way.” She hummed, like she didn’t believe me, but I would. I would find a way to get out of this, somehow.

“I’m jealous.”

That came as a surprise. It shouldn’t have.

“Why?” I regretted the question as soon as it left my lips. “Nevermind.” I said quickly, covering my tracks. “What do you want to show me?”

She placed a soft kiss on my lips before taking my hand again and smiling, dragging me towards the stables. We stood around the outside edge, in the shadows, watching the fights. We quietly placed bets on the fighters - I lost a fair bit of money, not that it really mattered to me. It reminded me of the Volkvolny - and she knew it.

“Think any of them would fight me?” I asked.

She laughed, “Not if they know who you are.”

“Let’s get Genya to tailor me.” I said, my practically bouncing on my feet. “Tomorrow.”

“And how are we going to explain who you are?”

“I’ll figure it out. Princesses are used to getting what they want.”

“Oh and am I something you want?” Her eyes glimmered with a challenge. I took a quick look around, nobody was paying attention, and dragged her to a corner.

“Anyone can see.” She hissed “I know this place better than anyone.” I winked at her before dragging her off to a hidden corner on the grounds.

I made Tamar a lot of money the next night, and pissed Tolya off. He figured it out after the first three fights, and dragged me back towards the Grand Palace, Tamar laughing her ass off in tow. Thankfully, she healed me, and nobody was none the wiser that they got their ass kicked by the Princess of Ravka.

A party was thrown at the Grand Palace in honor of Nikolai’s birthday, and the Queen took it as an excuse to arrange some suitors to come visit. Tamar was on guard in the corner, the Sun Summoner attending. I faked some smiles, a few gentle touches on arms here and there. Too many dances with grubby hands. I was dancing with the son of a wealthy Kerch merchant when his hand drifted a bit too low. I firmly moved it back onto my waist, but caught Tamar’s face out of the corner of my eye - the look in her eyes made me gulp. She didn’t see me watching her, her eyes were narrowed on the man in front of me, waiting a few seconds too long before roaming the room again. I tried to catch her eye several times, even tried to stand next to her at one point, but it’s like she sensed me coming and moved before I could get close. I couldn’t fight the hurt and anger that slowly built up inside me. I’d go see her later tonight. I had too.

I didn’t get that chance. Nikolai and I barely escaped with our lives - and I had the honor of dragging Baghra out of her cave. I fought in the infantry too, I thought I knew war, but shadow monsters that can’t be killed are something else entirely. The Darkling had changed the playing field completely, we were caught off guard, caught by surprise. I should have felt bad about Vasily being ripped to pieces, and part of me did, but the other was so angry that he put everything at risk for his own vanity, that I didn’t have space in my heart to mourn for him.

I went back with him that night, and I saw no sign of her, no sign of anyone, just bodies littering the ground. No survivors in sight. I vomited that night for hours. Hidden away from everyone. She had to be alive, had to. I felt it, I would know if she was dead. Maybe it’s fake hope, but I clung to it like a lifeline.

I didn’t expect anything special when Nikolai returned from the raid, he’d gone many times, and this is the one I decided to sit out, having been injured on the last. Of course the one I miss is the one Tamar showed up at. He conveniently forgot to tell me she’d been spotted at one of the smuggling stations.

“I thought of you every day.” I said between kisses, hidden in one of many back hallways.

“I did too.” She replied.

“If you still want me.” Tamar went to interrupt, but I held up one hand. “Now that Nikolai’s King. There’s nothing stopping us.”

Her head lowered, mouth moving to graze my ear. She didn’t answer my question directly. “Every time one of those men would put a hand on you. Every time you had to flirt back. I thought I'd explode.” She pushed me towards the wall, my back pressed against the stone cold. Tamar moved slowly, her hand tracing the side of my face, I leaned into her touch. “I couldn’t think of you the last few months. The idea that you might be dead. It was too painful.”

I tilted my head to meet her eyes. “I knew you’d be alive.” I saw the confusion on her face. “I would’ve felt it if you died.” I held a hand up to my heart. It might be the cheesiest thing I've ever said, but the small smile on her face was worth it. I couldn’t handle it any longer, I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her in, pulled her into the kiss I’d been waiting months for.

#tamar x reader #tamar x y/n #tamar kir bataar x reader #tamar kir bataar x y/n #shadow and bone fic #shadow and bone imagine #reader imagine #shadow and bone #tamar kir bataar #nikolai lantsov #tolya yul bataar #grishaverse #grishaverse fanfic

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fyodcrs · 9 months

Text

Day ?: I’m still thinking about chapter 108.

I was supposed to post this a week ago, oops.

A lot of people, after chapter 108 dropped, appeared to assume that the “revelation” about Fyodor in this chapter was just a ruse, as Fyodor claims it to be. Personally, I don’t think it’s that simple, and I wanted to talk a little about it.

I should note that this isn’t really a theory or an analysis, just my initial impressions. And I guess we’ll find out pretty soon if I was close to the mark or not. Next chapter? Too much to hope?

I think that this was real:

But everything from this point was fake, or at least was Fyodor acting:

If it is true that Fyodor - the real Fyodor - has been controlled by his Ability this entire time, his breakdown after Sigma showed him the note was a moment when his real self, his real consciousness, took over. The sudden change in him is profound and shocking. His eyes look so different, and we know that eyes are important in BSD.

Then we get the POV break, however, and when we return Fyodor starts giving us some "explanation”...and then this happens:

The moment we return to Fyodor and Sigma after the second POV break, I think Fyodor had been “taken over” again and was acting. But I don’t think he was acting from the beginning, nor do I think that everything he said even when he was “acting” was necessarily false.

There are a couple of reasons for this. First, it’s too out-there a reveal for me to believe it was a complete swerve. It really came out of absolutely nowhere, and then it’s all just lies? I don’t know, I find that hard to swallow.

Then there’s the matter of the note. If it was Fyodor that wrote it - why? Just for this silly ruse? Sure, he certainly could have predicted the entire course of events that led up to Sigma confronting him with a gun and laid the trap, that’s just what he does, but even for Fyodor that seems a bit much. Was it not Fyodor that wrote it, then? But who else would have written a note in Russian that says “help me”? Nikolai? What for? That seems like it’d be very out of character for him.

There’s also what Fyodor says after his breakdown. “What year is it?” What kind of question is that to ask if you’re pretending to be under the control of your Ability? Wouldn’t something like “Where am I?” or “Who are you?” be more fitting? Considering that Fyodor’s age and the nature of his Ability has been kept a secret for so long, this line really sticks out to me as important.

Not to mention, there was this in the previous chapter:

I don’t think it’s insignificant that Sigma is the one to say this, the one to bring this question up for the first time, rather than Dazai or Nikolai. Sigma is himself a character that could be considered not fully human. He was created from the Book, which itself is suggested to have been created by an Ability. Sigma’s origin, too, then, is tied directly to Abilities. It makes a certain amount of sense for him to be the one to realize that there’s something off about Fyodor, or at least for him to be the first one to confront Fyodor about it.

We know from 55 Minutes and Dead Apple that Abilities can take on a life of their own and even subsume the personalities of the original bearer. In 55 Minutes, Jules Verne’s Ability absorbs his personality and lives on; in Dead Apple, Shibusawa’s Ability lives on after his death, with no memory of his death and no knowledge that it is an Ability. Some Abilities, like Mori’s, naturally are manifest as separate personalities, though Mori has control over Elise.

Speaking of Dead Apple, there’s this famous scene:

“Even in the midst of the fog, my special ability did not turn against me like the others. Do you know why that is? I am crime. I am punishment. Did you not know? Crime and punishment are close acquaintances.”

Maybe this is more literal than I thought. Maybe there really are two Fyodors - in a sense. The real Fyodor - the “crime” - and his Ability - the “punishment.”

I do not, however, think that a “split personality” is really the “true” nature of Fyodor’s Ability. I think it’s probably more complicated than that. Abilities are extensions of their bearers, after all; Elise does not really have a distinct personality except what Mori gives her, and Shibusawa’s Ability had his personality and his desires.

Which makes me wonder - if this is true, and if the Fyodor we know really is the real Fyodor’s Ability, how much of his desires, his perception of himself and of the world, and especially of Abilities, is his own, and how much of it came from the real Fyodor?

I have a whole rant about Dostoevsky and Fyodor’s character I’ll post if this all turns out to be true, but for now here’s a quote from Demons: “I also know that it was not you who ate the idea, but the idea that ate you...”

Another reason why I don’t buy that this is all a lie is that we’ve had no other red herrings about either the nature of Fyodor’s Ability, his character, or his past before this. It’s all just been subtle hints. It’s very odd that there would suddenly be a massive red herring now, so far into the series and so far into the DOA arc.

Of course, Asagiri could absolutely be trolling us. Who knows? Maybe in less than a month we’ll find out Fyodor really does deserve an Oscar. I wouldn’t even be mad, because he should have already won an award for that performance when he was arrested in the café.

#bsd spoilers #Bungou Stray Dogs #Fyodor Dostoevsky #BSD #BSD Fyodor #Fyodor #not me posting this a whole week late sdfghjghjk #I got busy okay!#quick tell me what you think this might be defunct in two weeks lol #I'm also still wondering about that knife #Chekhov's magic knife?#idk

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stargazer-sims · 2 months

Text

The Art of Redemption

(part 8)

previous // next // story index

__________

Beth-Anne is furious.

She tries never to lose her temper with her students, but she’s as fallible as everyone else. As hard as she’s worked on her patience and self-control over the years, she still has a breaking point, and sometimes the kids will push her beyond it.

Today, the perpetrator is Brett.

He’s not a bad kid. None of her students are. Sure, they have their share of personal drama, and the teenagers in particular can be mercurial. They know how to press all her metaphorical buttons, not to mention each other's, but for the most part they support one another even if they aren't all best friends all the time. She's rarely known any of them to be blatantly disrespectful to her or to each other.

But, of course, there are always exceptions.

In hindsight, maybe she shouldn't have been surprised when she'd returned to the practice rink to discover a clearly upset Nikolai escaping into the corridor and a smug-looking Brett leaning against the boards with one toe pick stuck casually into the ice, but she was. She was so startled, in fact, that she utterly failed to react for a second or two.

Nikolai had already gone past her before she remembered her voice and asked him what was wrong. He replied, though she couldn't be certain what he said. She thought it sounded like "I'm going home."

For a moment, she was torn between heading for the ice or catching up with Nikolai. It was fairly obvious something had transpired between him and Brett, and she wanted to make sure he was okay, but she also had a job to do that she'd already neglected far longer than she should have.

Brett can wait a few more minutes, she decided.

She set her skate bag on the floor and then hurried down the corridor after Nikolai. With the advantage of two healthy legs, it was easy enough for her to get ahead of him. She halted in front of him so that he was compelled to stop as well.

"I thought I asked you to tell me if you wanted to go home," she said.

"I just did."

"Right. I suppose it won't do any good to ask you what happened."

Nikolai looked up at her, and the only way she could describe the expression on his face was despair. His voice trembled. "This was a mistake. I don't belong here."

She can acknowledge now, she didn't know what to do. She wanted to comfort him, to pull him into an embrace and tell him that wasn't true and that he most certainly does belong here, but she sensed he wouldn't like her touching him just then and he probably wouldn't have believed any reassurances she might've given anyway. Feeling helpless, all she could think to say was, "How are you planning to get home? I can't take you right now."

"Bus, I guess," he said.

"No," she said. "It's too cold and icy for you to try to walk all the way to the bus stop. Do you think you can drive?"

His tone was bemused. "Anya probably has the car, so..."

"If you can manage driving, you can take my truck," she told him.

After a brief pause, he said, "Okay."

She jogged back to where she'd left her bag and dug the keys out of one of its small outer pockets. Returning to Nikolai and placing the keychain in his hand, she said firmly, "The house key is on there too. You text me when you get home, okay? As soon as you get there. Understand?"

"I will."

"We'll talk when I get home."

"Okay."

She had no idea if they'd actually discuss anything once they were both at home again or not, but she told herself this wasn't the time to dwell on it. She watched Nikolai until he disappeared around the corner.

Now, she's standing outside the entrance to the practice rink, skate bag in hand, doing her best to compose herself and to not jump to any unfounded conclusions. Although she can probably guess with some accuracy what took place before she arrived, she has to remind herself that she has almost no facts.

Steadying herself with a deep breath and a long, slow exhale, she pulls open the door and steps through it. Brett is precisely where she'd last seen him, and he's still wearing the same shit-eating grin.

One look at that arrogant little smirk and all her effort to stay calm flies out the proverbial window.

Fuck it. I'm going to find out exactly what went down, and then this kid is getting a piece of my mind.

She doesn't waste time pausing at the benches to put her skates on. She marches confidently across the slick surface of the ice until she's face-to-face with her teenage student. Skipping over the usual greetings and pleasantries, she goes straight to, "Tell me what just happened. The truth, Brett. I don't want any of your usual bullshit, got it?"

The corner of his mouth twists like he's trying not to laugh at some joke only he knows. "What do you think happened?"

"I'm not in the guessing business," she says.

"It was nothing," says Brett. "All I did was tell the truth. I guess some people are too sensitive to handle that."

She doesn't miss the emphasis he puts on 'sensitive'. He says it like it's bad. She bites back the urge to tell him he could do with a little sensitivity. He could learn a thing or two from someone like Nikolai.

Brett's condescending attitude infuriates her, and she wonders if he's aware of what he's provoking. Anger is her demon, and she has to fight like hell to keep it in check. It terrifies her, but at the same time a small part of her relishes how powerful it makes her feel. She is in charge of this situation, not him. There's a hierarchy here, and she's the person at the top of it.

She takes another stride forward until she's close enough for the toe of her right boot to touch the toe pick of Brett's left skate. He's a handful of centimetres taller than her and she has to tilt her chin a little to meet his eyes, but that doesn't deter her.

She stares into his face, and in a voice that sounds way more quiet and calm than she feels, she says, "What happened? Tell me. Now."

Brett stares back at her. She can feel her pulse in her throat.

Four or five more heartbeats tick by, and then Brett lowers his gaze. He stammers, "Can you... can you, uh... take a step back? Please?"

She complies with the request, but she doesn't take her eyes off him. "Tell me what happened."

It's evident to her that he doesn't want to confess his role, but he probably feels like he hasn't got a choice at this point. He opens his mouth to speak, and his voice cracks on the first syllable. That's as far as he gets. His eyes go wide, and he swallows so hard that she's able to see a slight ripple of the skin at his throat.

He's scared, she realizes.

Her first reaction is, Good. He should be scared.

As soon as the thought forms, she immediately regrets it. Her goal hadn't been to frighten him, only to find out what had caused Nikolai to flee from the place in such a state of distress. It'd bothered her way more than she's willing to admit, seeing Nikolai crying like that, and a genius intellect wasn't required to figure out that Brett was at least partially responsible for it, but scaring the teenager wouldn't fix it. The only thing she's accomplished is to stick herself with the problem of two upset skaters instead of one.

Well done, Beth-Anne. Way to fuck shit up more than it already was.

"I'm sorry," Brett murmurs.

Beth-Anne's anger dissipates as quickly as it'd flared up, and just as quickly, shame and guilt rush in to fill the space it had occupied. She suddenly feels weak, and she becomes alarmingly aware that she's shaking.

"No, I'm sorry," she says.

"Am I in trouble?"

"No." She holds out her hand to him. "You're not in trouble, but we do need to talk. Can we do that?"

He doesn't take her hand, but she didn't really expect him to. However, he does follow her off the ice and then sits meekly beside her on a bench. "I'm really sorry," he says again. "I was in a bad mood, and seeing him here just made me mad, and... I don't know. I'm nervous about Junior Worlds and flying and... Everything this week just feels like, so unfair."

"This week's been pretty unfair to everybody," she says. "You, Mariah and little Eden. All the group class students."

"And Nikolai?"

"Him too. And me."

"I said some mean stuff to him."

"I assumed as much.”

"He cried," Brett says. "I didn't know he was gonna cry. It made me uncomfortable, but like... it also felt kinda good? Not good, but like I was in control of a situation for a change and I didn't want to stop myself once I got going, even though I knew I should. Does that even make any sense?"

The muscles of Beth-Anne's mouth twitch in an involuntary and probably very crooked smile. "Would it shock you if I said it makes perfect sense to me?"

"It does?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

"Are you gonna make me apologize?" he asks.

"No, I'm not," she tells him.

This time when he makes eye contact with her, she observes incredulity rather than fear. "But... you were literally terrifying a minute ago. I've never seen anybody get that mad, like ever. I figured you were going to yell at me and tell me I had to say sorry and… basically make me feel like shit about myself.”

“Have I ever yelled at you?” she asks.

“No, but I’ve never seen you that angry before either.”

“I shouldn’t have let myself get that angry," she says. "I was reacting instead of responding, and that wasn’t right. I'm supposed to be setting an example for you, but I guess I wasn't doing my job very well, was I?"

"You were," Brett says, and the words come out so softly that she's barely able to hear them. When she glances at him again, she sees tears tracing long, wet lines down his cheeks. He scrubs fiercely at his eyes with the back of his hand, sniffles and continues, "My mom... She gets mad and throws things. Not at me, but I still don't like it. And my dad sometimes gets in my face and yells, but... but he doesn't stop even when he knows I'm scared." He lifts his gaze to meet hers and whispers. "You stopped."

Beth-Anne doesn't know Brett's parents very well, but from all the times she's interacted with them, she has the impression Brett isn't particularly high on their list of priorities. If she were to guess, she would've said they hardly bother with him at all, much less take enough notice to get angry and scream at him. It's Brett's live-in tutor, Jordan — Jordy, as Brett affectionately calls him — whom Beth-Anne most often deals with, and it seems to her that Jordy parents him more than his parents do.

Christ, what a mess. What an absolute fucking train wreck this day is turning out to be.

Sadly, she knows a thing or two about being yelled at by an angry parent, and about being terrified of them. She understands how a kid will latch onto any adult that helps them feel safe. She'd done that with her skating coach when she was a kid, and with her older brother Jason. They did all they could, and she credits Jason for saving her in the end, but not before far too much damage had been done.

Without warning, her brain throws a vivid replay in front of her mind's eye; Claudia shrieking, blind drunk, and charging at eleven year old Beth-Anne and her little sister with the neck of a broken bottle clutched in her white-knuckled hand.

"Abby, run!" Beth-Anne had screamed so hard that it'd felt like something was ripping inside her throat, but little Abby was paralyzed with terror and didn't obey the command.

In this moment, Beth-Anne can’t remember what she or Abby had done to make Claudia so enraged. She only remembers grabbing her five year old sister, practically flinging her into the corner, and then shielding her as best as she was able to do with her own scrawny body.

Until that day, she hadn't had the slightest clue how much a human face could bleed. She also hadn’t grasped her full capacity for fear until then, and she genuinely believed her own wildly beating heart and oxygen-desperate lungs would kill her before her injuries did.

She's pulled out of the traumatic scene in her mind by the light touch of Brett’s fingertips on her knee. She blinks and nearly gasps. Brett is still crying, and now he looks as close to panic as Beth-Anne feels. She becomes conscious of hot tears on her own face.

"Are you okay?" Brett inquires.

She gulps air and somehow gets out, "I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm all right. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I... I guess so."

"Do you want to talk about it? Your parents, I mean."

He shakes his head. "No," he says, and then, "Why did you stop?"

He doesn't elaborate, but she knows what he's asking her.

Because I'm not my mother, she wants to tell him. Because even though you're not mine, I love you as if you are, and I never want to hurt you. But her eventual answer is, "Because anger doesn't solve anything. All it would've done would be to hurt you and make you not want to trust me any more."

He appears to consider that.

"Sometimes," he says at length, "I think you're one of the only people I can trust. You and Jordy. And like, I'm grateful, but sometimes it's still really hard 'cause I know my life isn't like other people's. LIke Mariah and Eden and Nikolai... they have normal families with normal parents. They go to regular school and do normal stuff with their families. Well... not Nikolai I guess. He doesn't live with his parents or go to school, but you know what I mean."

"I know," Beth-Anne says.

"And like, I kinda want Nikolai's life, or Mariah's. Not exactly their life, but something like it. You know?"

"I know," she says again. When she reaches out her hand this time, he takes it, and she squeezes his fingers gently. "When you're struggling, it's easy to wish you had a different life, but you know something? It's not always going to be the way it is now. You'll grow up and you'll learn a lot of things, and people will come into your life who'll change it for the better if you let them. And you can change your own life, too. You're the only one who can live it, and you're in charge of shaping it however you want."

"It doesn't feel like I'm in charge of anything."

"Sometimes it doesn't," she concedes. "It feels like that for adults sometimes too, like everything's gone to shit and there's nothing you can do about it, and sometimes there really is nothing you can do except hang on until it gets better. In times like that, the most important thing is how you respond."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, it's no use to blame people for things that no one has any control over, or to act like everyone's against you, or to be too proud to ask for help when you need it. Stuff like that. People will remember you for how you behave when circumstances are at their worst."

"So... you're saying Nikolai is going to remember that I was mean to him?"

"That wasn't the point I was trying to make," she says. "But, yeah. I think he'll remember, but I'm equally sure that if you ask him to forgive you, he will. Then he'll also remember that."

"You said you weren't going to make me apologize," Brett says.

"I'm not. I think you should apologize, but you're old enough not to need me or any other adult to make that choice for you. You should do it if you think it's the right thing to do, not because I think it is."

"Okay," he says. "Should I do it today?"

"Maybe give yourself some time to think about it," she suggests. "And give Nikolai a chance to settle down a little, too. He's going through a lot right now."

"Because of his leg?"

"Yes, but it's more than that. In a way, he's grieving because he's lost one of the most important things in his life. And I won't lie to you, watching him go through it is fucking tearing my heart out, so you can imagine how much worse it feels for him."

Brett pulls his lower lip between his teeth. "Yeah. But... you're helping him, right? Taking care of him?"

"That's my job," she says. "He's my friend."

"Am I your friend too?" he asks hesitantly, and he momentarily reminds her of a small child rather than a fourteen year old. It reinforces just how vulnerable he is, and how much he needs her protection and support.

Her heart aches with regret for her earlier actions. She wishes there was a way to erase that awful slip, but then she recollects the advice she'd just given him. People remember how you behave when circumstances are at their worst. Had she acquitted herself? Had she regained control before she'd caused him any harm? She assures herself that she did, because she thinks she likely wouldn't be sitting here and talking to him candidly like this if she hadn't.

"I like to think you and I are friends," she says.

"But Nikolai is your favourite."

"Maybe, but Nikolai is an adult, and we've known each other for a really long time. My friendship with him is different than my friendship with you," she says. "Anyway, it's okay to have favourites. That's just human nature. But, even if Nikolai is my favourite, that doesn't mean I wouldn't go to the ends of the Earth for you."

"You... would?"

"We've already been all over the world together, haven't we?"

This draws a tiny smile from him. "I like travelling with you. Flying isn't so bad when you and Jordy are there."

"I'm glad we make it a little easier for you."

"Yeah, but I still wish teleportation was a thing."

Despite herself, Beth-Anne laughs, and with her laughter some of the tension in her body falls away. "That would make it more convenient, wouldn't it? When you and Nikolai are back on speaking terms, you should ask him about flying. I'll bet he wishes teleportation was a thing, too."

"He doesn't like flying either?"

"Not unless he's flying through four rotations," she says.

"Me too. Some day soon, I'm going to do all the same quad jumps he can do."

"Someday you will," she agrees. "Not today, though."

"Are we still going to skate?"

"That's up to you," she says. "We will if you're up to it. If not, I can call Jordy to come pick you up."

"No," Brett says. "He needs his daily break from me. Plus, we've already lost enough time. Nobody wins gold medals by sitting on their ass, right?"

Beth-Anne grins. "Why does that sound exactly like something I'd say?"

"Probably 'cause it is."

"Cheeky little shit," she says, and is gratified when he tries unsuccessfully to stifle a laugh with his hand. "Give me a couple minutes to put my skates on. Then we'll warm up, and then I want to see whether you've been working or slacking while I've been away."

He pokes out his tongue at her. "Working. What else would you expect? Why would I be slacking off when there's a world championship gold medal in South Korea just waiting for me to earn it?"

"Let's not get overconfident," she warns.

"I want you and Jordy to be proud of me," he says. “Maybe my parents would even be proud of me if I won a world championship gold medal."

She has her doubts about that, but it's an illusion she doesn't want to shatter for him. She says, "I can't speak for your parents or Jordy, but I'm already proud of you. You don't need a gold medal to make me proud."

"Even if I'm a pain in the ass and you lose it with me sometimes?"

"Yeah," she says. "Even so. You're not the first massive pain in my ass to also make me proud, you know. But, I've learned something in my life, and it's that if you actually take the time to listen to a troublemaker and really get to know him, he usually ends up being well worth the trouble."

#writing #the art of redemption #theartofredemption #tw child abuse mention #beth-anne jones #nikolai pavlenko #brett eriksson #stargazersims

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