#you thought only my mental health was bad my physical health isn’t any better babe
It’s Hard Sometimes
Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader
Word count: 2,975
Warnings: Yelling, arguing (gets a little physical, really just a little bit!), high risk-pregnancy, slight mentions of fertility issues, mentions of anxiety and overthinking, and a lot of angst.
Summary: Jay and the reader are married, but start having a hard time after they found out that (y/n) is pregnant.
Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the One Chicago shows, or its characters, also not associated with it in any way or know anyone involved with it.
A/N: I made this piece of almost pure angst mostly because I feel like Jay is such a well-built character, who gives us a lot of space to talk about mental health and anxiety (even though I don’t think I developed it very well, lol), so I wanted to use this space to try and add to the conversation with him. Anyways, I hope it doesn’t suck too bad and, please, feel free to give me feedback, cause I’m also here to learn!!
(y/n) = (your name) (y/l/n) = (your last name) (y/n/n) = (your nickname)
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Your Saturday morning just couldn’t get any worse.
Or, at least, that’s what you thought after having been mugged at the subway and then asked to go pick up your stuff at the 21st District, where your husband works. You had to go in because they had apprehended your bag as stolen property. But you were hoping that, maybe, you’d be able to sort it all out without Jay seeing you.
“(y/n), hi! Here to see Chuckles? Cause they’re all out working on a case now.” Trudy said with a small smile on her lips, while you just prayed she wouldn’t notice how relieved you were to hear that.
“No, uh, I’m actually here because there was an incident at the subway and the responding officers told me I had to come in to get my bag back. Also, sign something, I think…” You answered shrugging your shoulders to make it seem like nothing. But, of course, Trudy knew better, she always does.
“Oh my God! I heard about that, just didn’t know you were one of the victims! Are you okay? García, go get (y/n) a glass of water!!!” She quickly shouted at the young officer, not waiting long to turn back to face you with a concerned glare: “Can I get you anything else?”
“Oh, no, Trudy! You don’t need to worry about me! It wasn’t a big deal!” You said, also noticing that she was already going through some evidence bags, looking for the one that contained your things. “But there is one thing that I’d appreciate from you…” Hearing that, she didn’t even let you finish:
“Yes, of course! Anything, just name it!” At that, you shot her your brightest smile. Maybe Jay was right and the tough Sergeant Trudy Platt did have a soft spot for you.
“Well, it’s just that… You know how Jay can get, so maybe you could not mention any of this to him? I just don’t want him worrying, the way I know he will, over something like this…” You would’ve continued but Trudy had the weirdest look on her face and, then, you got it. “He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?” She didn’t bother to answer as your husband turned you to face him and the other members of the Intelligence Unit.
“So, what is it you don’t want me to worry about, huh?” He had a playful smirk on his lips, but his eyes showed you he was already worried. And now you had no other option but to tell him what happened.
“Well, um, there was a little confusion at the subway today and the officers said I had to come in…” You would gladly stop at that, but you knew that Jay wasn’t gonna let it go until you told him everything, so you just went on: “To retrieve what I, um, lost.” God, you couldn’t even look in his eyes right now.
“What you lost? What kind of confusion are you talking about exactly, babe?” In spite of the pet name, his voice was already showing off a bit of irritation.
“It was a, um, robbery,” at that his eyes almost jumped out of their orbits, so you quickly added, “but it wasn’t a big deal! Nobody got hurt! The officers tackled the guy pretty fast, as soon as he stepped out on the station! And everything is here,” you said raising the bag Trudy handed you a few minutes earlier, “so, really, there’s nothing to worry about!” You told him, not being able to conceal the exasperation in your voice.
“Nothing to worry about? You just got mugged, (y/n)! We heard a call about that over the radio, it was an armed robbery! Or did you happen to miss the gun on your face when he was getting your bag, huh?” He asked and, even though you knew that the only reason why he was lashing out like that was the concern, the way he said what he said made you feel really small and brought tears to your eyes. “Actually, what I’d like to know, to begin with, is why were you even riding the subway alone, after our talk from the other day, huh?” You could feel the eyes from every person in that District on you and, as much as you knew where Jay was coming from, it was starting to really bother you.
“I was just going to the library. Sorry I didn’t think I needed an escort to do that!” You wish you wouldn’t have said it with those exact words, but you were reaching your limit.
“But we talked about it!” He snapped and you jumped back a little. Then he added, more calmly: “You should have called me.” He was pinching the bridge of his nose, like he always did when he was disappointed and upset about something, and you just felt yourself getting smaller and smaller, as the tears started falling. As if all of it hadn’t been enough, he asked: “Are you okay, though? Because, you know, given our circumstances, you’re to avoid going out on your own to prevent this kinda stress from hitting you, babe.” He explained that to you like he was talking to a child. Like he was the only one who heard what the doctor said. And that was it for you. As much as you loved the man, you just didn't have infinite patience towards his overprotective dad-to-be mode.
“Oh, really? Why don’t you just go ahead and say ‘I told you so’, huh? Because I can tell you’re dying to do it!” God damn those pregnancy hormones because you were fuming with anger and the tears just kept going down at full force.
“Babe, that’s not what I-”
“The hell it isn’t!” Part of you really wanted to let it all out. All the hurtful words that were just waiting for a go-ahead at the tip of your tongue. But the other part of you, the rational one, knew that wasn’t gonna do any good for you or Jay. Or your baby. So you decided you’d leave instead. “You know what? It’s probably best if I go home now!”
“Okay, then, I’ll drive you.” You heard Jay saying, with a deep sigh, but you couldn’t even begin to think about an entire drive home with him at that moment.
“No way! I can do that by myself! And don’t worry I’ll get a cab this time!” As you headed towards the exit, you felt a strong grip on your wrist. You turned around and it was Jay. He’d never done that before. “Jay, you’re hurting me!” You breathed out, trying not to be too nervous. When your eyes met his, he let your arm go quickly, looking absolutely stunned by his own behavior.
You knew that the healthiest thing to do right then would be to try and talk to him about it, but you couldn’t. At that point you needed the space more than ever, so you took the opportunity to just leave the District and go home.
After you stormed out crying, every cop in that building laid their eyes on Jay. To say they were completely shocked by the previous scene was an understatement. Almost everyone there knew you and Jay and how you two were great together. But, more importantly, they knew Jay Halstead wasn’t that kinda guy ⎯ or at least they thought so ⎯ and now they were all wondering.
Still, Trudy Platt, who wasn’t about to have any more of that drama at her District, ordered loudly for everyone to get back to their tasks, while shooting Jay a worried look, because, as much as she knew for a fact that he wasn’t that kinda guy, she cared a lot about you and had, obviously, witnessed the whole thing.
After the little gathering of cops had been dissolved, it was Voight’s turn to speak up: “Alright, Intelligence, let’s get back upstairs, we still have a lot of work to do on this case. And, Jay, you should go home now.” He said with a stern look, despite his concern for the detective.
“But, sarge, I-” Jay started to protest, like Hank knew he would.
“I don’t wanna hear it, Halstead. I know your head is not gonna be on the case until you fix whatever that was, so, now, the best thing you can do is just calm down and go home.” This time Jay knew there was no point in arguing, so he accepted the defeat and went upstairs to get changed in the locker room before leaving.
As he got there, he saw his reflection in the mirror and that was when it hit him. All of it. From your incident to your tears, to his aggressiveness. He really messed up. He let his fears get the best of him and he hurt you, he made you cry, fear him, even. So he started crying himself, like a little child whose favorite toy had just broken, like there was no tomorrow. By the time Voight went there to check up on Jay, maybe give him some advice, that’s what he saw: a grown man sitting on the floor crying his eyes out. So he did the one thing he could think about doing, to try and make that man he considered like a son feel better: he sat there by Jay’s side and put a hand over the detective’s shoulder until the crying sufficed.
“So, you and (y/n) been on the odds lately?” Hank asked after a while.
“No, uh, not really.” Jay started whilst sniffling. “It’s just that this week we got some news that messed with our emotions a little, but, Hank, I swear I have no idea why I did that! I would never do anything to hurt her, you gotta believe me! Please?” He pleaded, in desperation, for someone who knew it, who knew him.
“Jay, Jay!” By then the sergeant had to shout to get the frantic young man’s attention back. “Jay, I know you wouldn’t hurt her, you hear me? I know. I know you love her more than you love yourself, hell, everyone here knows it! They were just… A little surprised to see you two arguing, that’s all.” Hank tried to make it sound a lot less bad than it actually was, and Jay appreciated that. “Now, why don’t you tell me what’s really going on between you and (y/n), huh? Maybe I can help you somehow… Or maybe you just need to vent.” Hearing that, Jay decided that he should take Voight’s suggestion and just talk about it already.
“Well, here’s the thing, sarge, (y/n/n) and I, we’ve been trying to get pregnant for a while now. And, um, we were having a bit of a hard time with it. But then last weekend we found out that it worked, she got pregnant, and we were so happy about it!” He almost smiled at the memory. “But then we went to the doctor to check it and all that, and found out that it’s a high-risk pregnancy, meaning she’s gotta take it real easy from now on, otherwise the baby’s life and her own would be in danger! And I’m terrified ever since we left that hospital! Because the simplest thing could take her away from me! My everything, sarge, she is my entire world and I can’t live without her.” He said shaking his head in a way that made even Hank Voight feel a bit of sadness. “So when she said she’d been robbed at gunpoint… I just lost it, you know? What if I’d lost them?”
“Ah, Jay…” Hank knew exactly what the detective was scared of, after all, he had already lost a wife and a son. “Look, I know this can be hard, trust me. Camille and I had our issues before Justin came, as well… But you said it yourself, you’re both happy, aren’t you?” Jay didn’t even need to think before answering that question.
“Yes, of course, sarge! But-”
“No buts! Look, Jay, I know what a big heart you have and I know how much you care, how- how intensely you care, I know, okay? But sometimes, with things like this, you just gotta keep going and hope- just hope that everything is gonna work out. So here’s what you’re gonna do: go home, make up with your wife and start planning a nursery, or whatever else you, parents-to-be, have on your to-do lists these days.” At that, Jay chuckled a little, feeling grateful to have this second father to set him on straight.
“I know you’re right, and I really appreciate you saying this to me… I’m pretty sure that (y/n/n) said something among those lines after we got back from the doctor’s appointment too. The problem is that sometimes it seems like I can’t control my own thoughts. Then, next thing I know, I’m freaking out…” Hank thought that he sounded so frustrated saying that… He really felt for the kid.
“Listen, Jay, you- you just try, okay? You just try your best. And talk to (y/n/n) about it, just let her know what’s going on in there.” He pointed to Jay’s head, as they had already stood up.
“Alright, I will try. Thank you, sarge. Thank you so much, I really needed this.” They half-hugged and the detective went home to you.
The thing he wasn’t prepared for, at all, was finding you: the woman he loved more than anything and anyone in the entire world, sitting on the floor, leaning your back against the bed in the bedroom you two shared, crying and shaking. You were scared of him. That broke him in a way he never thought possible. He wanted to hurt himself, as punishment for hurting you, but he knew it wouldn’t be fair to you. So he gathered some courage to speak through his shame instead. “B- babe?”
You shivered, but you didn’t wanna be afraid of him. That was Jay. Your Jay. The man you loved. The man who loved you. You knew he would never hurt you or your baby. But your body didn’t seem to be listening to your brain. Still, you wanted to say something. But you couldn’t. You wouldn’t know what to say, so you just stayed silent, trying to stop the sobs. He decided to make a move: He sat down on the floor like you, but still giving you some space. “I’m sorry,” he said softly, almost whispering, “I’m so, so, so sorry. You don’t need to say anything, or to forgive me, or do anything, really. I came here willing to talk to you. To do anything to get you back. But now I see just how much I hurt you, so I’ll give you all the space and time you want.” You still couldn’t seem to find your words. It was that same man, you knew it. Why couldn’t you just tell him that? “I’ll sleep in the spare bedroom, or even go to Will’s if it makes you more comfortable?” Just by the sound of his voice, you could tell he meant it. And that was your Jay.
“No,” you spoke so lowly, that you weren’t even sure he’d heard it, “I want you to stay.” And you really did. But you needed to understand, in order to be able to forgive him. “Just- just tell me what happened there? Why?” You tried, a little louder this time.
“Long story short? I was scared to death.” He said with a long and heavy sigh, looking so much older than he’d ever done before; at the same time, you could see the bags under his eyes, from all those sleepless nights he’d been having lately.
“Scared? Because of the robbery? Baby, you’re a cop! You’ve heard of that kind of thing a million times before, and you know it’s not that big of a deal!" You tried to reason with him, even though you were afraid too, at the time.
“I know!” He said, in a tone that made you flinch a little and, then, more calmly: “Look, I know. And I know that you’ve been through tougher stuff. And that you can handle yourself. But that whole thing could’ve gone badly for you, for the baby, for us, in a thousand different ways. Besides, it’s not just that. Ever since we left that exam room, on Monday, I’ve been scared, worried. Because, according to the doctor, the tiniest problem could get you on edge. Because of the tiniest problem, I could lose you. I could lose everything, babe!” You could only stare at him in shock, after hearing that. Of course, you understood his concerns, but you had been so absorbed in your own fears, that you never thought about how much the whole situation was affecting him. Your formerly brave soldier, now tough detective, was also a very anxious man ⎯ who always overthought every single detail of everything when it came to you ⎯ and was, now, crying his eyes out, sobbing like a little kid by your side. So you did the one thing you thought could make him feel better: you pulled him closer to you, letting him break, into your chest, as he listened to your soothing heartbeat.
“It’s alright, my love, it’s alright. Shhh, I’m right here and I’m safe. We both are. You don’t need to be afraid, because we’re not going anywhere, baby.” You promised him with tears already pricking through your eyes, as well.
And, like that, you two stayed, crying in each other’s arms, just holding each other. With a renewed hope that everything was gonna be okay.
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for the first few weeks after the amnesia incident, i think tiger would be taking things a lot easier, but also be a little ball of anxiety. i also think she’d feel guilty, which she shouldn’t, because bill cared for her and basically nursed her back to health. i think it could have a similar outcome to the forest incident, where she gives him like 1000 blow jobs, which he just thought he missed her, but he picks up on it.
Ohhh I love this a whole lot babes. I’ll bet it’s kind of the first time he punishes her after the accident, isn’t it? let’s explore.
Real talk, the Dangerous Forest Excursion Part One and Part Two are vey dear to my heart, and probably still my favourite storylines in their world to this day. I love everything about those stories and how much they mean to Bill and tiger’s relationship, and I think it speaks volumes that those were the easiest ones for me to write--I literally came up with the concept and wrote out the entire first piece all during a long trek home from Thailand. Those two pieces mean a lot to me.
In any case, tiger’s mind is fully healed but her body still probably has a little ways to go--still some bad contusions, bones still broken. And maybe now that her mind is back she’s realizing the exact hell that Bill was put through too--and how much he actually took care of her. She expected nothing less from him, because this is just what Bill does, but at the same time...this was huge. What he went through, on account of her, was huge. And caring for her certainly wasn’t easy, ESPECIALLY when she couldn’t remember anything, and it’s all just hitting her very fast and very frequently how lucky she is to have him, how much he takes care of her, how truly incredible he is. She gets really emotional about it because Bill is just...god, he’s incredible. He’s just incredible. But along with emotional, I’ll bet she also starts to feel a really heavy weight of GUILT because god...he shouldn’t have to do this. He shouldn’t care this much. He shouldn’t take such excellent care of her. Tiger is going through the throes of it emotionally man, and she just feels like she owes him so much.
And Bill, to his complete oblivion, is just continuing to take excellent care of his Little Human and he’s just delighted that now she has her memory back. Bill is totally oblivious to the mental agony she’s in, over how good he is to her.
And I think you’re so right, I think it manifests in exactly that way. Tiger still isn’t physically up to par for a lot of things and she gets tired easily, so she’s not pitching in for housecleaning and she’s not cooking and she still can’t make it through a whole day without multiple naps. And the more Bill just quietly goes about his day, tidying up, cooking delicious meals, grocery shopping, tucking her in for naps, checking on her, giving her pain meds when needed--the more tiger is just kind of digging herself into this hole of guilt. And it manifests through sex, definitely--because it’s the one thing she can kind of do, to make him feel good. They still definitely have to be careful, Bill has to be gentle and can’t lean his weight on her sore ribs, they have to get a little imaginative with positions so she’s not in pain, but at least tiger feels like it’s the one thing she can do for him that makes him feel good.
So then she starts doing it a lot. Like, a lot.
And I’ll bet the first time she sank to her knees for him he just pulled her right back up gently.
“Are you insane kid?” he chastised gently, “No way.”
“But I want to,” she mumbled pitifully as he laid her out beneath him instead.
“You’re still too injured sweet girl,” he kisses down her neck and she sighs in pleasure, “No way you’re kneeling for me on a hard floor until you’re all healed up.”
But maybe...listen, tiger is crafty alright? She’s sneaky. And maybe after a few days she gets real fussy, real petulant on him and Bill has no choice but to let her have what she wants. But it’s on his terms, so he makes sure she’s in bed surrounded by soft pillow and blankets. He makes sure that there’s not too much pressure on her ribs as she lays on her stomach in front of him, makes sure her injured wrist is boosted on another pillow and out of danger. He makes sure she takes her time and doesn’t get frantic about it, warns her that if she starts to get too panicked about it he’ll make her stop. But tiger wants this, wants to be able to do this for him over and over again, so she’s real good and docile about it.
And maybe the next morning, to Bill’s surprise...she’s kind of pawing at him for it again. He doesn’t think much of it, truth be told tiger really did always enjoy doing this for him, and it’s been awhile. She’s not being frantic, so Bill just lies back and enjoys the mouth of his favourite hellion on him.
But then the next night, it’s the same thing.
And the next night.
And the next night.
Eventually maybe tiger kind of just stops wanting actual sex, stop wanting his touch, and only wants to do this for him and that’s probably his clue that this goes a little beyond just desire.
So I’ll bet the next time she starts to lie out between his legs he stops her, keeps her there like that, since he doesn’t want to make her kneel on the floor and this is a submissive enough position for her to know that he’s in charge.
“Tiger,” he says firmly, “Why are you doing this?”
Tiger’s a little taken aback, and she gets a bit defensive.
“Because I want to,” she says irritated, “I love giving you head.”
She reaches for his boxers but he lightly smacks her hand away.
“Tiger,” he says again, “Out with it.”
“There’s nothing to out,” she insists.
“I’ve got all night kid,” he threatens, “And you’re not getting anything until you start talking.”
The silence hangs heavy, and for a long while. But Bill is not backing down, because there’s more to this and he has a feeling he won’t like it.
It takes a long while, the both of them locked in a staring match, but then tiger looks away and presses a gentle kiss to his thigh.
“I owe you,” she whispers quietly. Bill furrows his brows.
“It was too much,” she mumbles, “Bill, everything you did for me--it was too much.”
“I love you tiger,” he murmurs, “And I took care of you when you needed it. You’d do the same for me.”
“It was too much,” she mumbles again, “I need to give it back.”
But like, now Bill is kind of angry. It’s one thing if she’s doing this for him because she needs it, because she genuinely wants to, but it’s a whole other game if she’s doing it as some weird way of repenting, of paying it back, and that’s the kind of shit that pisses him off.
“Tiger, all of this, are you doing this because you feel obligated to? Because you feel like it’s some way of paying your non-existent debts to me?”
She’s quiet. But her silence is all he needs as confirmation, and now he’s pretty angry. This is against the rules.
“Tiger look at me,” he snaps, and she begrudgingly does, “This is not part of it. This is never part of what we do. I don’t ever want you doing anything for me because you feel like you have to, because you convince yourself that for some reason, you owe me something. That makes me feel like shit kid, do you understand?”
She nods feebly, but it’s not enough.
“I don’t think you do,” he continues, cupping her face gently, “Tiger, you don’t owe me anything. I love you, and I took care of you when you needed it. That’s what we do. And you thinking that you need to pay it back, you feeling guilty and like you owe me something, makes me feel like a total dick.”
She bites her lip, averting her gaze downcast.
“You know this is against the rules tiger,” he warns, “You know this gets you punished.”
He’s kind of testing he waters, seeing how she’ll react. Because he’s absolutely NOT going to punish her if she can’t handle it mentally, and he’s obviously going to go easy enough so that he doesn’t actually hurt her more physically. And she’s responding okay, getting a little more submissive about it, and when he mentioned punishment she actually started to shuffle around, raise up on her knees with her hands in her lap, awaiting further instructions.
And Bill is trying to reign in his own anger, because the one thing he HATES is when tiger feels like she owes him something. But he also knows that a punishment is one of the only ways to knock that insane thought out of her head, and he needs to go through with it. He needs to keep it within the limits of what she’s willing to handle, but punishment is the only way she’ll recognize that this line of thinking is wrong.
“Tiger I love taking care of you,” he emphasizes, “So do you understand why you putting strings attached to that would upset me?”
And he’s laying it on a little thick, making sure she knows that he’s upset, because tiger can’t find her way around her own mind right now, and the only thing louder than this guilt is the knowledge that he’s upset over something she did, and that what she did needs to stop so that she can be good for him again.
“Yes,” she mumbles sadly, “I’m sorry, Bill.”
He silent, and she paw at him a little more as some tears spring to her eyes.
“I’m sorry,” she says softly, “Please make it better? I-I can be good, I promise I can be good for you.”
“Come here sweet girl,” he says, “You get three for this. They’ll be more gentle, because you’re still too injured to go harder. But you’ll be forgiven, okay? Do you understand, kid?”
She nods, and he helps her into his lap. He doesn’t want her turned aorund--it’s much more intimate this way, with her boosted up on his lap, and he can make sure she’s not balancing any weight on her wrist or putting any pressure on her ribs. He can also cup her face gently this way, pull her to rest her forehead on his, as he pulls his hand back and lands it on her ass. It’s gentle considering what she can usually handle, but it still stings and after the first one she’s crying already. it’s just a vulnerability thing, her emotions are still all over the place, and she hates that she upset him but she also knows she needs this. He keeps her close, spanking her three times just like he said, and then he lets her crumple there against his chest--her face tucked into his neck, her hands clutching at him.
I’ll bet that he even reaches a hand down, strokes through her folds lightly, starts working her up to a release. It’s how she’ll know she’s really forgiven, how she’ll know that she’s good for him again, is if he works her up to the point of bliss and then lets her come for him.
Unf, thank you nani for this delicious thought.
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Super Junior Reaction - They Worry Their G/F
Requested by anon: I’m a sucker for angst. Idk I just love to tortue myself 😂 can I request something for super junior as a reaction or something where the reader is their girlfriend and had once lost a friend to depression and she taking note of how they’ve been feeling down and being drained because of their schedule and she’s worried sick and one time she calls them and they never pick up due to their busyness and she gets terrified because of that trauma thinking something terrible has occurred and rush to them snapping at them and it takes a little for her boyfriend to understand where she’s coming from and it ends with something fluffy? Idk I’m terrible 😐 Also if it’s triggering to you, then you can completely ignore this ask & im so sorry
Warning: Possible triggering in content, I tried not to include too much so that everyone can enjoy it, but fair warning.
Leeteuk: Jungsoo hadn’t meant to miss your call, he had just been in the middle of a shoot and forgot to unmute his phone. When he showed up at your apartment for dinner he was met with your pacing frame worried sick. Once you had spotted him, you snapped. He didn’t say a word letting you let out your emotions before taking you into his arms and promising he would always make sure he was okay not only physically but also mentally.
“I’ll take it easy and be more aware of myself. Don’t worry yourself too much. How about we have some tea, you like tea.”
Heechul: When Heechul got home and was met with your form on curled against the wall crying he’d be worried thinking someone died. After gently approaching you and calming you down he’d ask what was wrong preparing himself for the worst. Once you explained to him that you worried over his failure to answer your call - and explaining why that worried you - he would take time to reassure you that he was fine, promising to answer your phone calls whenever he could or at least you a text in advance if he wouldn’t be able to.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know, I’ll be better about answering or at least letting you so you don’t worry.”
Yesung: Jonghoon would be the most worried when he found you crying on the couch after getting home. He had been completely unaware about the many calls you had made over the past few hours. Needless to say, when you saw him, you went off. Every once of worry and fear just poured from you and he just took, knowing that there was a fair reason behind this. When you finally told him why you had reacted the way you did, he’d be understanding but also worried about you. He might suggest going to some therapy - both of you - just to ensure that he’s okay and that you can get closer to overcoming your trauma.
“(y/n)...come here.” *just hugs*
Shindong: Donghee would be the most understanding of the members. He had noticed that you began to worry about him every time he jokingly poked fun about himself or when a comment about him was made. During one of those moments you had revealed to him why you got worried often, from then on he did his best to ensure that you didn’t worry about him as much since he didn’t want to be the cause of your pain. The night that you scolded him off for not answering, he realized just how deep your fear went. From then on he promised himself that he would do everything in his power to make sure you knew he was alright.
“(y/n) baby, I promise I’m okay. If I ever feel like I’m not you’ll be the first to know.” (just ignore the caption)
Eunhyuk: Much like Shindong, Hyukjae knew about the trauma your previous experience had caused. From the start he did everything he could to not his own mental health get out of had and was always checking himself to make sure he was alright to provide you with some reassurance. But that didn’t mean you didn’t notice times when he talked down about himself. With one missed call - which was the result of a meeting that ran too long - you panicked. He returned the call immediately apologizing for any worry he may have cause and promising to make it up with hot chocolate and a movie that night.
“I’m alright, babe, I promise. I’m sorry for worrying you.”
Siwon: Siwon would be in a situation much like Shindong and Eunhyuk. He had learned about your fear and why you had acquired it early on in your relationship. Also like them, he did everything to reassure you that he was alright. Like Jonghoon he would suggest maybe talking to someone who would be able to help you through this. When he missed the first call, he was disappointed in himself and instantly returned the call apologizing profusely before listening to your worries over the phone.
“I’m sorry baby. I really am. I lost track of time and missed the call. Please calm down, I don’t want you to get hurt.”
Donghae: I think Donghae would not only feel the most guilty for worrying you but also be the most worried about you. He’s a man who is in touch with his emotions and isn’t ashamed to express himself, but when it comes to you, he finds a bit difficult sometimes because he doesn’t want to burden or worry you. When he missed a call you went off on him, he couldn’t help but feel for you. After finding out why you reacted in such a manner, he’d feel even worse for making it seem like he was isolating himself. He’d do everything he could to change bit by bit to make sure he was open with you and not worrying you as much.
“I’ll be more open with you from here on out, but I also want you to trust me when I say that I won’t leave you.”
Ryeowook: Ryeowook would get home and be worried when he found you crying on your bedroom floor. The worry would quickly shift to confusion when you began yelling at him for not answering his phone. He too would begin arguing defending himself. When you confessed that you had simply been worried because of a previous experience. In an instant he would feel bad but also upset that you thought he would leave in such a manner. It was understandable because moments like that tend to shape how people interpret other similar situations.
“I’m sorry for my words, but don’t ever think that I would hurt you in such a manner. And please, trust me when I say if I ever need help, I’ll get it.”
Kyuhyun: I don’t know how many of you have seen Kyuhyun on King of the Masked Singer when he spoke about Jonghyun, but based off that, I think the feeling of worry would be mutual. You be worried about him and he would be worried about you, for similar reasons. Early on in the relationship you had told him about it when he had failed to answer a call. Out of all the members, he would be the most understanding because he too knows what it feels like (not saying the other members don’t - they probably do as well).
“I understand, (y/n). I’ve been there - I still am there. We’ll help each other through this.”
Zhoumi: Zhoumi would also be very concerned about you. He too had found out early one and he tried his best to make sure you knew he was fine and if he wasn’t that he would take the proper steps to make sure he got help. That being said, he would also suggest you see someone to help you because it’s hard to go through something so devastating alone. He wouldn’t want you to be ashamed of it, but he wouldn’t want you to bottle it up any longer either.
“I promise you that if I ever feel like that, I’ll see someone. But I want you to promise me the same too.”
Henry Lau: Henry would be shocked, much like many of the members, when he came home to your yelling at him for missing our call. Much like Ryeowook he would defend himself and you would retort with why you were so worried about him in the first place. He would feel hurt that you thought that way about him, but he would understand why. It’s not any easy thing to move forward from and it can often cloud other situations with that memory. He’ll his best to not help yo get through it but also let you know that he would be very well aware of his own mental health.
“We’ll help each other out. I’ll make sure I’m okay and you gotta make sure that you’re okay too. If we aren’t we talk about it and get help. Deal?”
A/N: Okay this one was a hard one to write. I did try to keep it vague because I know some people would be more affected than others. I want to take a moment to just say that my door is open if anyone ever just needs to talk.
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hi i don’t know if you write about mental health problems or anything but if you do, please could you write a billy butcher x female reader where you’re his gf and it’s gotten really bad but he takes care of you ?? sorry i know it’s a bit much but i’m going through it tbh ://
A/N: You and me both, my love. Hope everything gets better for you.
I wrote this based mainly on anxiety since is the one I’m most acquainted with.
Summary: Billy gives you advice on your anxiety.
Warnings: Female!Reader. Mentions of anxiety. Mentions of stress over college work. Slight age gap is mentioned, but you can imagine it as big or as small as you want, literally, anyone can be a college student. College Student Problems!
You have been having an extreme hard time with college. Teachers like to believe that any student can easily work under extreme pressure, so they like to schedule all tests and essays in a space of a week and a half.
With all of that, it means that you need to study with many weeks in advance and hope that you won’t mix all the information in your head and get confused. As well as... Take as less breaks possible.
That may sound ridiculous to many, and you’re 100% sure that any doctor would yell at you if they had heard you say that, (since breaks are ALWAYS NEEDED), but you just can’t bring yourself to take breaks.
It’s both mentally and physically impossible. You already can’t sleep that well; you can’t eat that much or even focus on other things other than your notes and books (you had previously grabbed at the library).
Everyone that hangs out with you knows that you’re a very anxious person by nature, but they never saw you like this. And if they had to admit, it is quite scary.
Your boyfriend, Billy, who also lives with you, has been blind to it all. It’s not his fault. You try to hide it as much from him as possible. And he’s also out of the house for most of the day and only sees you when he comes back before dinner.
He has noticed your jumpy leg under the table, bloody bottom lip (from you biting it) and especially how less you eat. But like I said before, you’re an anxious person by nature.
Billy doesn’t see your daily mental breakdowns or hears you giving yourself a pep talk when in the shower, because he’s almost never present whenever something important happens between the boys.
But everything will change today.
And that is because today is a Friday that Billy decided to take off ‘work’ to stay home and relax, while you, on the other hand, will spend it with online classes and studying.
You lean back on your desk chair, finding it awfully uncomfortable after so many days sitting in that same position, and sigh loudly while looking at the PowerPoint that is being projected on the Zoom call.
Your webcam is on, yet your microphone is off, making your sounds of pure frustration be silent to others that could possibly see you.
The TV in the other room is on by what you can hear over your headphones, and you’re pretty sure that Billy is sitting on the couch bingewatching a random ‘police drama’, as always.
He has made his appearance at least once on the background of your screen, which caught some people’s attention. But other than that, he has been leaving you in your corner to peacefully have your class.
You continue to take notes of what your teacher is saying silently as your mind runs miles an hour, always taking your attention somewhere else.
“You alright there?”
You turn your chair a bit to the side and look over your shoulder at the doorway behind you, looking at the owner of the deep voice and the British accent.
“Yeah” You say with a quick fake smile before turning back around to look at the screen.
You nod, knowing that he can see your head (the chair’s back is not that tall).
“Alright,” He says before walking off to somewhere in your apartment.
Lunch went rather well. You ate as much as you could, which wasn’t a lot. But Billy’s cursing at the news were enough to keep your mind occupied for that short while. Other than that, your day has been like any other day of this week.
You’re officially done with your online classes for today, but unfortunately, you still need to study.
You have been reading your notes and small bits of the books the teachers told you to study with, for the past… what you believe, hour, but nothing seemed to make sense.
You’ve tried changing up a few words in the sentences, for simpler words, in hopes that your brain will soon catch the meaning as it sounds simpler... but nothing of the sort is happening.
Your eyes have filled with frustrated tears at least 10 times since you started, making the reading quite difficult. But as for right now, you are letting those tears roll down your face in complete defeat.
People do say that you shouldn’t hold back your tears, right? That it will always feel better once you stop?
Yeah, that is true. But they forgot to mention that it only lasts 10 minutes.
You sniffle while wiping the tears off your face, throwing the pencil down at the desk in pure frustration, before leaning back on the chair.
“Are you okay?” Billy asks from behind you, probably on his way to the bathroom.
“Yeah, yeah” you say while wiping your tears quickly, “My nose just started running for no reason”
A silence is set and for a few seconds you believe that he has walked away, but that was until you felt his warm hand rest over your shoulder.
“Runny nose that created tears?” He asks in a slight ironic tone.
You don’t answer him, yet his hand gives your shoulder a small squeeze.
“Get up, let’s go to the living room” He says in a whisper.
“I can’t” you say, not taking your eyes off your notebooks, “I need to keep studying”
“I’m sure you can take a break”
You sigh loudly, trying to rearrange your feelings before looking up at the older man.
“I need to keep studying” You repeat.
Your sad tone was way more noticeable to Billy this time, and he caught it right as you said the first word.
“How long has it been since you took a break?”
“I’ve been here since lunch”
Butcher’s eyes widen at your words and his mouth falls agape.
“It’s almost 5pm, what do you mean since lunch?”
You shrug as an answer before taking a quick look at your phone, checking if Butcher isn’t lying about the time, and he’s not.
His mind runs with thoughts about you probably feeling exhausted, while yours just run around the idea of another day almost being over and you haven’t even started to understand this new chapter.
You try to grab your pencil back from the table but Billy, in that same second, snatches it off your hand and puts it back down.
“Get up in your two little feet and walk your arse over to the couch”
You, surprisingly, do as told, once noticing his change of tone, as well as his change of facial expression. He looks slightly annoyed, but also, worried.
You walk off the bedroom, Billy right behind you, not even a meter away.
Once your body collides down into the soft surface of the couch, Butcher lets out a loud sigh, also taking his seat.
“Have you been doing this routine every day?” He asks, looking over at you.
“Yeah. I mean, kinda,” you answer, shrugging again, “it depends on what classes I’m having”
“Have you eaten anything since lunch?”
“No, I’m not hungry”
“How? You almost didn’t even eat anything today”
“I just feel nauseous every time I smell or see food, I can’t eat, Billy” you say, with a sadder expression taking over your face.
“And why do you not take breaks?”
“I don’t have time for breaks”
“Honey, 15 minutes wouldn’t hurt you” he says, making you look away, knowing that he won’t understand your side, “You know that”
“Yeah, I know that. But what are breaks when my mind just stays on that stupid piece of paper the whole time?” You ask, “I’ve tried everything to keep my mind occupied with something else, believe me! I just can’t relax until I got all of this sorted in my head”
“I get it, love” He says in a calmer tone, as if he was trying to calm you down with his voice, “But you know that if you’re non stop studying, at some point, your brain just wont grab anything that you’re reading, right?”
You stay silent.
“I’ve studied for college as well. No degree is easy, love, that’s for sure. I know how stressful it is, and how it feels when you don’t have your own stuff under control” His hand rests over yours, “But you don’t have to destroy your mental health because of it”
“What if it’s my mental health destroying itself and not me destroying it?”
“Well… You are sure helping it” He admits, “If your mind is worried about something from when you wake up to when you go to sleep, all you could do to relax is get a distraction, right?”
“Yeah, but I’ve tried everything”
“I’m sure you didn’t try everything, babes” He gives your hand a little squeeze, “There’s millions of options. Try not to read if you space-out too much, and try, I don’t know, watch one of those highly chaotic videos you like to watch. I’m sure those one’s will leave your mind more than occupied”
A small smile grows on your lips as you hear his words and you take a deep breath.
“And what do I do if I continue to not be able to understand anything?”
“I’m sure you understand something. You take notes like a mad woman when in class” he says with a joking tone.
“I know you are, princess. But this is not the first time you’ve felt this much pressure because of school, is it?” You shake your head, “And every time you lived past this type of shit, you were able to do every test and every essay right on time. And most of them with fucking amazing grades!” He says with a smile at the end.
There’s some silence between the two of you.
“I know it feels like it’s impossible to live through this right now, but believe me, there’s always someone in a worst situation than you, yet still is able to live their lives with smiles on their faces. If they can do it, I’m more than fucking sure you can do it 200 times better”
A silence is set between the two of you again, this time, a little longer than before.
“Why don’t you take the rest of the day off? I know it sounds impossible right now, but just try and focus on something else. Leave all of that for tomorrow”
As good as that sounds, you feel a little hesitant. Billy lifts his hand from yours and brings it over to your head, caressing it as you look down at the ground.
“I’m just scared that I won’t be able to pass these tests”
Butcher, with your words, leans forward and presses a kiss on the side of your head, over your hair.
“I would offer you my help if I could” He says making a sympathetic smile appear over your lips, “But I don’t even understand a word from what you write down”
A chuckle escapes your lips and you look back up at him.
“I can always ask Hughie for help” He offers.
“I would love that. Thank you.”
You wrap one of your arms around Billy’s torso and lean your head over his shoulder. Butcher responds quickly to your actions by wrapping his own arms around you, pulling you closer to him.
Billy leans his head to the side, laying it right on yours, and you snuggle closer to him once feeling his warmth envelop your colder body.
“Here” He says, before passing you the remote.
As soon as you start surfing through the channels, Billy remembers something.
“Start thinking about what you want for dinner” He says, “You’ll be eating a whole 3 course meal tonight, young lady”
- - - - - -
Hope you liked this!!!
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Can you say you are fully happy right now?
No. My mental health and my mood and everything has just been extra bad lately and I thought it was bad enough as it was. I haven’t felt truly happy in a very long time.
Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
Is there someone who stopped talking to you for no reason?
Did you ever get called horrible names like (whore, skank, bitch)?
Only jokingly with friends.
Where did you sleep last night?
In my bed as usual.
Ever slow danced with anyone?
Ever cried in public?
Yes, but only a few times. I don’t like crying in front of people.
Ever feel safe in someone's arms?
What would you do if you were pregnant?
I can’t get pregnant, so.
Are you afraid of letting anyone in?
Yes, very much so.
Do you like cuddling?
I don’t have much cuddling experience to be honest.
Ever cry in school?
Who is the last person to send you a message on facebook?
My Nana. She sent me a photo of her Christmas tree she put up.
Do you look decent when you wake up?
I don’t look decent ever.
Have you ever been given roses?
Had a long distance relationship?
Does it bother you when people never answer their cell phones?
If I need to get ahold of my parents or brother for something and they don’t answer, yes.
Do you care what happens in politics/your government?
I mean, yes. It affects all of us so we should care at least somewhat.
Ever been called babe/baby?
Have you ever witnessed someone else engaging in a sexual act (not necessarily sex)?
Where did you get drunk last?
It was at my hotel birthday party 7 years ago. I had an awful experience with alcohol and I decided I was over it. I haven’t drank since.
What’s your relationship with the last person you texted?
He’s my brother.
If someone went through your pictures, would they find a dirty one?
Do you want to see anyone right now?
Have you ever fell asleep in someone’s arms?
When I was a kid.
How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
It really varies.
How many pillows are on your bed
Twelve lmaooo. I only use two, though. I just love throw pillows.
When’s the last time you cried?
A couple of days ago. It was one of those days where I was just on the verge of tears all day and literally anything could open up the floodgates.
Is it cute when a guy buys you flowers?
Will things change in the next month?
I don’t see anything major happening.
How did you do on the last test you took?
Pretty sure I did well.
Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
Plenty of times.
Are you afraid to grow up?
I mean, I’m 31, and sometimes I still don’t feel like I’m grown up. <<< Saaaaame. But also yes.
Are you busy tomorrow?
How long have you had the shirt you’re wearing?
A few years.
Do you give out second chances way too easily?
Yes. I give out many chances.
Has anyone told you that you’re amazing?
Eh, something like that. I’m most definitely not and I’m sure they realized that.
How many black shirts do you own?
Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now?
Nope. I honestly can’t imagine myself in a relationship. I definitely don’t see it happening anytime soon at all.
How come you’re not going out with the person you like?
There isn’t anyone I like in that way.
When you feel cold does eating warm food help you feel warm?
Do you want to diet?
I need to be on a high protein and caloric diet.
Are you a patient person?
Are you unsure about your feelings for someone?
Who did you last hang out with?
My family. It’s been a few years since I’ve hung out with anyone else.
Would you take $40,000 or a brand new car?
What song are you currently listening to?
I’m not listening to any music right now. I’m listening to an ASMR video, as per usual.
Are you happy with your relationship?
I’m fine with being single.
Who was the last person to smoke something other than a cigarette or weed in front of you?
I’ve had friends in the past smoke a vape in front of me.
Does anything on your body hurt?
If the last person you kissed were calling you right now, would you answer?
No. I would be shocked and curious, though. It’s been a few years since I’ve seen or talked to him. It would be so out of the blue.
In the run of a week, how many times do you straighten your hair?
Are you mad at someone right now?
Last thing someone gave you?
My brother bought me food last night.
Who woke you up this morning?
I haven’t gone to sleep, yet.
Who is your favorite family member on your mom’s side?
What do you do in your spare time?
I have nothing but spare time nowadays...it’s sad. Lol. <<< Last few years, but same.
Who was the last person you were under a blanket with?
Where is the last person you kissed?
I have no idea.
What was the last thing you ate?
Which of your friends is the most likely to get pregnant right now?
I don’t have any friends.
Do you remember the meanest thing the last person you kissed ever said to you?
He didn’t ever say anything mean. He said things that were hurtful and upsetting, but not things directed at me in a mean way if that makes sense.
What does your last outgoing text say?
“Whaaaat. Of course. :/”
Have you ever been called prince/ princess?
Waiting for something?
I’m looking forward to giving my family their Christmas presents.
Have you kissed anyone when you’re single?
What are you doing this weekend?
Same stuff I do everyday.
Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
It’s been 31 years, so I certainly could. <<< Same again. I have zero interest.
Have you ever kissed someone who was in a relationship?
Where is your biological father right now?
Where is the biggest scar on your body?
The vertical one down my entire back.
How late did you stay up last night?
I’m still up at 8:33AM... :X
Have you had your birthday this year yet?
Yes, back in July.
You had to kiss the last person you texted, would you?
No, that’s my brother.
What would you call your body type?
Are you a morning person?
Kind of since I’m often still up early in the morning. I’m not if I’ve gone to bed and have to get up early, though.
Have you ever been to Target?
Do you like iced coffee?
I’m a hot coffee gal year round. It’s so much better.
When is the next time you’ll be at work?
I don’t have a job.
Has anyone ever hacked your accounts before?
Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart?
I tried to be. It’s definitely not easy and ultimately didn’t work out.
Ever made a prank phone call?
My friends and I did that before in middle school. We were dumb.
Does your mom vacuum early in the morning, when you’re sleeping?
Have you ever been in a car accident?
Have you ever been in a fist fight with someone?
Nope. Or any kind of physical fight.
Have you ever seriously hurt anyone by mistake?
Have you ever had stitches?
Name a time when you had to be strong.
Numerous times. Certainly not these past few years even though some might think that. I’m weak.
Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting or any kind of abuse at home?
Have you ever lost someone close to death? if so, how many?
Have you ever had any volunteer jobs?
Have you gone through a lot emotionally growing up?
Has a boy/girl ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend for you?
No. And I wouldn’t want that.
Do you want to see someone this very minute?
Are you happy with the way things are going?
Are you a forgiving person?
Yes. Maybe too forgiving at times.
Do you have to check in with your parents before you go someplace?
I didn’t have to as an adult, but I still did (I say did cause I never go anywhere anymore unless it’s with my family, but if I did I would). That’s just how my family and I are, we let each other know what’s going on. It’s not asking permission, it’s just letting each other know. Like my brother, who’s 21, will be like, “Hey, I’m hanging out with so and so tonight. We’ll probably just grab something to eat” or something like that.
Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
I don’t have any friends.
Describe how you feel about your life in the past month using one word:
Would you like to go back and change any part of your life?
A few things would be nice.
When will your next kiss be?
I have no idea. Not anytime soon, I know that much.
Last person you saw other than your family?
Will tomorrow be better than today?
It’s still too early to say how today has been.
Are you feeling guilty about anything right now?
A lot of things.
What’s going through your mind right now?
I’m getting hungry. I’m tired. I have to call my doctor and reschedule my appointment.
When’s the last time you had fast food?
Do you believe that there’s good in everybody?
Is it okay if you kiss people when you’re single?
If they’re also single and consenting, sure.
When was the last time you saw someone attractive?
I see Alexander Skarsgard on my dash pretty often, ha.
What was the first thing you did when you woke up?
I haven’t gone to sleep, yet, remember?
Think back eight months ago, were you single?
Yes. I’ve been single for several years.
What do you carry with you at all times?
I always take my phone and wallet. Depending on how long I’ll be gone I’ll take my medicine, too. Oh, and in today’s world I always have a mask and hand sanitizer.
Are you okay with the life you live?
There’s a lot I wish were different.
Do you have a Tattoo?
What other piercings would you get other than the ones you already have?
I don’t plan on getting any more.
Did your last kiss take place on a bed?
Nope. I think it was in his car.
Have you ever been to Disney World?
No, but I’ve been to Disneyland a few times.
If so, how many times have you been?
Does grammar and capitalization mean anything to you?
Absolutely. I’m big on proper grammar.
Are you good at wrapping gifts for others?
I’m not the greatest, but I still enjoy doing it.
Do you have a dirty clothes hamper in your room?
Do you enjoy big holiday dinners?
Yes. We haven’t had one in years, though.
Is your vision good?
With my glasses, yes. ha.
Is your present hair color, natural?
Part of it is. I’m sooo overdue for a dye job. It looks awful.
What was the last thing you ordered online?
Have you ever worn color contacts?
Nope. Or any contacts. The idea of putting them on and taking them off freaks me out.
If you have a significant other, how long have you been together?
Where are your parents as of now?
My mom asleep, my dad is at work.
Do you follow a certain religion?
Yes, I’m a Christian.
Do you have any family members who live out of town?
Do you consider yourself short?
What room are you in?
Do you listen to any country music?
Do you ever watch Lifetime?
Would ever consider having children in the future?
Have you ever lived on a farm?
Do both of your parents have jobs?
If you had the chance to move to a completely different state, would you?
What is something you’ve always wanted a boy to do for you?
What food are you craving right now?
I’m already thinking about Wingstop for dinner lol.
How old were you when you stopped believing in Santa?
Like 7 or 8.
How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?
Do you have a friend you can tell stuff to and you’re sure they won’t tell?
I have my family I can do that with.
Would you ever get someone’s name tattooed on you?
If I did it would be a loved one who passed. I don’t plan on ever getting any tattoos, though. I’m too big of a scardycat.
Does your family have family picnics?
If your doctor said you were pregnant, what would you say?
I’d say you have my chart mixed with someone else cause that’s impossible for a couple of reasons.
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Lap Dance for Two
Shinsou x Reader x Kaminari
Summary: Another winner from the 300 Follower Event. The prompt was 'lap dance + dirty talk' and the summary was "If you don’t mind, I’d like to combine this prompt with another one to make a scenario where the reader gives Shinsou and Kaminari both a lap dance, dirty talk and spiciness ensues."
Notes: There was going to be more dancing, but the boys got impatient. Also, I’m sleepy, so sorry if the editing isn’t too great.
Warnings: NSFW, some dirty dancing, some dirty talk, teasing, oral sex, vaginal penetration, deep throating
No matter how the media tried to paint it, no matter how glamorous a job they tried to make it seem, you knew that being a hero wasn’t easy in the slightest. Not only was it physically taxing, but it could also take an emotional and mental toll on those who were brave enough to call themselves heroes. It could also be a thankless job, even when heroes put every ounce of their being into protecting others, and you never wanted either of your lovers to forget how much their efforts were appreciated. To be precise, you wanted to remind them of how much you appreciated their work, so you decided to give them a reward of sorts.
After quite a bit of deliberation as to what you should do for them, the idea of a lap dance popped into your mind, and you went from there. You did plenty of research, combing through countless videos on the internet to get ideas on what to do, practicing moves in the mirror, and then picking out the perfect outfit to wear for your performance. You could never go wrong with lacy lingerie since both Denki and Hitoshi were big fans of the material on you, and you decided to cover that lingerie with nothing but an oversized sweatshirt that fell off your shoulder and barely covered your ass.
To get ready for your performance, you dragged two chairs into the living room, setting them across from each other so both men could have a view of your act. You also drug out a small sound system so there could be music to help set the mood, and just as you were putting the finishing touches on everything, the front door opened and your both of your heroic lovers walked in, looking mildly tired but in perfect health beyond that. You greeted them with a beaming smile, the confusion in their eyes only making that expression grow wider.
Denki had been the one to break the silence as he started to take off his shoes and support gear, Hitoshi doing the same but staying silent as he tried to piece together what you were doing. Neither of them had looked away from you yet, their eyes trailing along the fully exposed expanse of your legs, then flitting up to your uncovered shoulder and the curve of your neck before finally reaching your face.
“I wanted to show you my appreciation for all the hard work you’ve been doing, so why don’t you boys take a seat so I can do that?”
The idea finally seemed to click in their heads, and they seemed to have no qualms with it as they made their ways to the chairs that you had set out, taking a seat across from one another as they continued to stare at you. Once they were both seated, you turned towards Denki, a sultry smirk overtaking your face as you strutted over to him, giving a little more emphasis to the sway of your hips for both his and Hitoshi’s sake.
“No touching unless I say so, alright Sparky?”
Denki’s eyes were alight with anticipation as he quickly nodded his head, and you slowly leaned down to give him a quick peck on the lips, letting him have a clear view down your sweatshirt in the process.
“Doesn’t that count as touching?”
“Take what you can get, Denki.”
You hit the ‘Play’ button on the remote in your hand, tossing it the side since it had served its purpose. The music that you picked for your dance wasn’t anything too fancy, just a slow, droning tune that had a catchy beat and was easy to dance to. After balancing your hands on Denki’s shoulders, you slowly began to sway your hips, making sure that you were bent over enough so your sweatshirt would ride up and give Hitoshi a clear view of your scantily-clad ass. The slow, simple movements were more than enough to entrance both of your lovers, especially Denki, whose eyes were very clearly following the movement of your hips even though you were staring right at his face.
You undoubtedly broke their focus, though, when you turned around and lowered yourself into Denki’s lap. One of your hands found its way to the back of his neck, gripping the hair at the base of his skull as you pushed off of him a bit and spread your legs apart, encasing his legs between your own. You could hear the breath hitch in his throat as you started to leisurely grind your hips, having lifted yourself enough that you only had the faintest of contact with him. You could only imagine how torn he was, wanting more but also enthralled by the way that you teased him.
When you looked up, you expected to see Hitoshi smirking at Denki’s predicament, but instead, his eyes were glued between your legs, where your sweatshirt did nothing to cover you. You had worn his favorite type of lace panties, and, based on how thickly he swallowed while looking at you, he must have appreciated that sentiment.
“That’s very naughty of you, Kitten.”
“I have no clue what you’re talking about, Hitoshi.”
“All of this teasing. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were trying to punish us, not reward us.”
“Oh? And why do you say that? Do you want to see more of me?”
You emphasized your question by trailing your free hand up your thigh, slightly lifting your sweatshirt to give him a peak of the front of your panties and your tummy before continuing on to your breast. You lightly groped it through your shirt, and Denki gave a very obvious sigh of approval. A broad grin overtook your face as you quickly stood up and moved away from your blond lover, looking back to see the surprised yet disappointed look that crossed his face.
“This is your reward, so if you want to see more, then I guess I’ll give you more.”
Before any questions or protests could be made, you grabbed the bottom of your sweatshirt, slowly, tantalizingly lifting it up your body before you finally brought it over your head and threw it off to the side. Both of your lovers’ gazes were glued to you, their eyes raking over the lingerie that you had on under the forgotten piece of clothing. It left little to the imagination yet still kept the view that they truly wanted hidden away from them.
“Are you ready for your turn, Hitoshi?”
The man in question only hummed in reply, looking like he was deep in thought as you walked over to him. That just wouldn’t do at all; he was supposed to be focused on you, not thinking about something else and looking like he was a million miles away. If you had paid more attention, you may have noticed that his gaze was fixated behind you, and that he slightly nodded his head as you stood in front of him, but you didn’t see any of that, which was why you were so surprised when Hitoshi pulled you down onto his lap. You let out a gasp at the sudden movement, and the evidence of how much Hitoshi enjoyed your little show was firmly pressed against your core, easily palpable even through his clothing.
“If you wanted to be fucked so bad, Kitten, all you had to do was say so.”
Before you could begin to conjure up a reply, your bra was suddenly ripped away from your body, the clasp no match for Denki’s excited fingers. The blond pulled your head back, slamming his lips down on yours as Hitoshi attacked your breasts with a series of hot licks and eager kisses. It was difficult for you to even think about thwarting their advances when Denki’s tongue was ravaging your mouth and Hitoshi was enthusiastically sucking and nipping at one of your nipples, but all hopes of continuing with your strip tease truly went down the drain as Denki ran his hand down your body until he made it to your panties. He lightly tugged on them, pulling them taut enough to create a consistent pressure against your clit.
You involuntarily bucked your hips forward at the stimulation, causing Hitoshi to groan as you rubbed against his throbbing cock. You felt Denki’s hot body press against your back as he finally let go of your head, his breath fanning over your ear as he leaned in to whisper to you.
“Tell us what you want, baby girl.”
You were at a loss for words as he pulled your panties even tighter, and, based on the smirk that you felt on the side of your neck, you doubted that he actually expected you to answer him.
“Do you want us to fuck you, Kitten? Should we take our reward from you that way?”
You gasped as Denki sank his teeth into your neck, and that was obviously enough of an answer for both of them. You soon found yourself kneeling on the floor, facing Denki. He must have already stripped when you were focused on Hitoshi, his naked body on full display as he sank down to your level. Based on the rustling that you heard behind you, Hitoshi must have been following his lead on that matter.
“This was so thoughtful of you, baby girl. I need to work on being rewarded more often if this is how you do it.”
“Shhh. Patience, baby. Don’t rush us through our own reward.”
A hard body was soon pressed against your back, Hitoshi now stripped, his stiff member laying hot and heavy against your lower back. His hands found their way to your breasts, their touch light and teasing, and his next words made your entire body tremble with anticipation and need.
“Well, Kitten? Are you going to let us use you to our hearts’ content?”
Denki had lowered himself until he was nearly on his belly, his face at level with your covered pussy. He flicked his tongue out, running it along your slit over your panties, feeling and tasting how soaked the lace was.
“Mm, you’re already so wet for us, baby.”
“Do you like it when we take control of you like this, Kitten? I can feel you shaking. Is that how badly you want my cock, Y/N? Are you that desperate for me to fuck that tight pussy of yours?”
You could only choke out a broken ‘yes’ as Denki continued to work his tongue over you, though at your assent, he pulled away from you a bit, and as Hitoshi positioned his cock between your legs, the blond pulled your panties to the side. Always eager to be helpful, Denki moved forward once more, this time laving his tongue over the swollen head of Hitoshi’s cock, getting a taste of the precum that had gathered there and causing Hitoshi to hiss from the sudden contact. Once he was done teasing Hitoshi, Denki gave you a playful wink as he gripped Hitoshi’s cock and guided it to your sopping entrance, immediately bringing his tongue to your clit as Hitoshi started to enter you. Hitoshi had no issues pushing into you, your soft velvet walls readily welcoming him as Denki sucked at your clit. Hitoshi only gave the blond a brief moment to indulge in your taste before he started to fuck you with short, jarring thrusts that had ragged cries tearing from your throat.
“This is Denki’s reward, too, isn’t it, Kitten? How about you let him fuck that pretty little mouth of yours?”
It was much more of an order rather than a suggestion since Hitoshi immediately pushed you forward once he finished his question, causing you to have to catch yourself with your hands against the floor. The action put you perfectly at level with Denki’s cock, and the blond cupped your jaw as he forced his thumb between your lips, letting you know exactly what he wanted. You happily complied with his wishes, opening your mouth for him and relaxing your throat, closing your lips around him as he slid his cock along your tongue.
Hitoshi tightly gripped your hips as Denki wrapped his hand underneath your jaw, their combined efforts keeping you in place as they both started to thrust into you. Hitoshi nearly pulled all of the way out of you before he slammed back into your quivering cunt, his pace brutal and deep as Denki thrusted into your mouth, his own pace fast as the tip of his cock occasionally brushed the back of your throat. As much as you resisted the urge to gag, you couldn’t prevent the spit that wasn’t covering Denki’s cock from finding its way out of your mouth, leaking from the corners and trickling over your bottom lip.
A few tears also slipped from your eyes, but they were definitely only an involuntary reflex due to the stimulation at the back of your throat. You absolutely loved the way your lovers were treating you, your toes curling as Hitoshi’s cock kept hitting a deliciously sensitive spot deep within you. You were glad that they were both holding you, because without their support, you undoubtedly wouldn’t have been able to hold yourself up, the pleasure coursing within you too great. Slick sounds filled the room, as did a cacophony of the most sinful sounding moans, both of your lovers getting lost in the warmth of your body and the pleasure that it provided.
You already felt so full, so close to the tight bundle of heat that was coiled in your belly finally bursting, but you needed something else before you reached that point. This was supposed to be their reward, anyways, and you wanted them to reap the benefits of that before you were too far lost in the throes of ecstasy to ensure that they did. You focused on breathing in every time that Denki pulled out of your mouth, and once the entirety of his cock had passed through your lips once more, you swallowed around him, causing the blond to choke out a moan as his hips stuttered in their movements. At the same time, you purposefully clenched your walls against Hitoshi’s cock, causing a curse to fall from his lips as he struggled to maintain his rhythm. You kept a rhythm of your own, swallowing around Denki and clenching around Hitoshi at the same time, only giving your lovers brief intervals of respite as you tried to bring them to the brink of orgasm along with you.
Denki was the first to lose himself in a haze of euphoria, the glazed over, almost pleading look in your eyes as you greedily sucked his cock proving too much for him. He quickly pulled out of your mouth right as his orgasm hit him, the hot strings of his cum landing on your collarbone and neck. He looked on with fascination as those strings started to trickle down your chest, their movement spurred on by the impact of Hitoshi’s relentless thrusts, and he let out a wistful sigh as they trailed over your breasts.
Hitoshi wasn’t far behind him, and as the burning pressure that had formed at the base of his spine finally got to the point that it was ready boil over, he pulled out of your velvet walls, immediately missing their welcoming embrace, but still carrying on with what he had in mind. Gripping himself, he brushed the head of his cock back and forth over your clit, working his hand along his shaft the entire time. That final touch was more than enough to send you over the edge, your arms collapsing under you as the overwhelming pleasure overtook your body. Your legs would have fallen too, had it not been for the arm that Hitoshi wrapped around your waist. As held you up with his forearm, his hand snuck between your legs, pulling your panties back in place before he reached his own orgasm, causing his seed to the paint the inside of the lace.
The three of you collapsed into messy pile on the floor, each of you breathless and drained after going through so many intense sensations. It was obvious that they had enjoyed their reward, given how wide their grins were as they basked in the afterglow of that prize. You hoped that it was a good reminder to them of how much you valued their efforts, although if it wasn’t, you certainly wouldn’t mind trying to get your message across again.
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Resentment Against Men
Talking with one of my boys and he mentioned I have resentment against women. Now, I respect my boy’s point of view but one way we differ is when I hear almost any utterance at all in a leftist space, I immediately am skeptical and consider how the framework of leftism may have already destroyed every semblance of sanity within a 100 mile radius, left the soil permanently toxic, and made everybody and ever single idea or expression, especially the psychological ones, crazier than shit.
Now, leftist diagnoses of social disorders or mental disorders are particularly dangerous, as I think the mental health of all America’s leftists clearly shows, but this one, despite its danger, had me intrigued.
Leftist solutionizing is usually like homoepathic therapy -- not coincidentally, something that hippie and socialist leftists, more than sensible right-wingers with strong heads on their shoulders, might be prone to fall for. What happens in homeopathy? The philosophy is that like gets treated with like. So, say you’re a socialist suffering from being beaten to a bloody pulp by communists in Weimar Berlin. Back in those days, the socialists were like today’s liberals and the communists were like today’s socialists. You come into the hospital, head gushing blood all over the floor, saying ‘those goddamn communists!’ in an incomprehensible rant. The doctor, who happens to be a communist himself, thinks you clearly have probably been being naughty due to your anti-commie attitude, diagnoses you with anti-communist mania and hatred, and throws you in the asylum until you profess to see that communism is man’s future destiny. “The Future Is Communist”.
Excuse the crude comparison here. Here’s a better one: at best, you’re treating the common cold with Boiron. Not what the doctor ordered, but maybe your cold goes away on its own. At worst, you’re injecting cancer cells into a body that has cancer... but what happens when that results in Stage IV: Terminal Leftism?
So, I got to thinking ‘Do I really have resentment against women? Or is this case no. 767 of leftist thought -- the iron clouds of the leftist iron sky that control all individuals -- wanting to do as much socialist and feminist damage to the world as possible and gaslight everybody who says, hey, that’s not really true, or hey, that kind of hurt, or hey, you’re literally destroying my life in the name of an ideology that millions of people just like you subscribe to and war for every day?
Here’s a little background on me: I was raised asking for My Little Pony instead of G.I. Joe. I used to snuggle up with a Cabbage Patch Kid in bed. I am more well-read in feminist literature than anyone I’ve ever met in real life, public speakers not included. I did a lot of sewing, long stitch and latchhook, primarily, even in second grade. I spent most of my 20s warring loudly against men on behalf of women. I spent most of my 20s carting my elderly grandmother off to grocery shop, and spent more time with her in the trailer court than all of her granddaughters. In music, I wore dresses and sang Babes In Toyland songs. I voted for Jill Stein against Obama. And yet, though I have never heard that resentment against men is one of the problems of my psyche, I have heard, 767 times, that I have resentment against women.
Hmm. The plot, predictable as it is, doesn’t exactly thicken, but reveals itself to be the case that the leftist mind, so clouded by feminist and socialist-colored glasses, is worse than colorblind, thinking a red for a green on a good day... and a red for a black death spiral on a bad day.
Why does leftism bother to express anything at all when we already know the assumptions and assertions it’s going to make? And the more it doubles down and bloodies in its own name, well, one day all may end up on pills and we may all be just a frazzled puddle of goop, having been assaulted on so many sides from all leftists. One leftist I saw -- call him transgender M to F woketard -- was literally cutting his penis into chunks, dismembering it, and selling them on ebay. Google it if you want a horror show. The leftist freak show, in its myriad of permutations, is interesting to observe, but the challenge is to observe it without being poisoned by it and turning toxic yourself.
Thus, when you hear a leftist say some words, try to consider the opposite may be flush in line with the truth. In my case, doubting an assertion that came out of a leftist space led me to the truth: I have resentment of men, this is my problem, this has always been my problem, and this may always be my problem. Look at my personal life: I cut my father out of my life back in the ‘00s, I resent my brother, at family events I only associate with the females and avoid the men, feeling there will be too little in common for communication to even exist between us, I work on all-female teams on the job, I rarely open up to men in person and avoid them in all social situations, I never do manly things, I avoid physical labor, I work incessantly to defuse masculinity in both the voting booth and in an endless crusade against every recreational guns, etc. etc.
In short, I have a resentment of men problem.
Especially faggoty men.
I have repeatedly decried the increasing masculinisation of American culture, in which all women now seem to be suffering from penis envy and strive to do male things all the time, from traditionally male sports to shooting guns just like a man to wanting to ride motobikes just like a man. And here’s me... the little old lady who wants to walk and order tea. On travel, I am always that little old lady, the feminiser, watching, baffled, as the white women, with their thick, mannish arms, have abandoned my feminine interests and all gotten in league with the boys to tear up the town on ATVs and motorcycles.
What is this Mannish New World coming to?
I grew up when Barbara Walters and Connie Chung, women, were my reporters. I feel so sentimental about them both. But in our Mannish New World, look what runs the show on television now: men. Tell me this isn’t a man. “Uh, um, uh, DUH....(insert gallons of fraud and gaslighting)”... that’s a man, folks:
Tell me Ann Coulter isn’t a man, as many have noted.
Tell me Megyn Kelly isn’t a man. Look at the cover of Settle For More, where it’s ready to engage in fisticuffs.
Laura Ingraham is the most mannish of all. Tell me it’s not a man. I only wish I could hit those low frog croak bro sounds and rumble with LEBron:
Look at this angry man. It may not be as baritone and thugged out as the rest, but she’s still thugged. That’s still a man talking, a take no-shit man:
Tell me Lauren Southern’s not a man. ‘Her’ voice is much lower than Rubin’s. Even at half his age she’s far more masculine and commanding in every way.
And look at recent NRA spokesman, Dom Raso, compared to the traditional masculinity of the 1950s.
Look at Bill O’Reilly going on a tear compared to mild-mannered Walter Cronkite. Look at Bernie Sanders when he gets cranky. Look at Donald Trump compared to John F. Kennedy or even The Great Pussywillow, Ronald Reagan.
Tell me America isn’t on as big of a quest for masculinity as Soviet Russia was.
Tell me Socialist Democracy and Marxism aren’t in part the reason for this disposal of the feminine and the rise of the masculine. I first noticed we were really approaching The Foundation Pit, the classic by Andrei Platonov, about a half decade ago. I was on Long Island, after shopping around, just little a little old lady, for a moon cake for my Latina friend, a stay-at-home mom who I’d known since my goth-industrial club days in the early 00s. I brought her the cake and hope she’d be delighted. She told me, in the most heart-rending manner she could muster, all about an illness that had ravaged her legs during pregnancy and permanently scarred her legs. I wanted to express how much I cared about her, so I said ‘you poor thing,” softly, warmly, and kindly, like the woman I am. Like an insect, a preying mantis rapidly molting from an egg, she rapidly shook herself alert, aghast, seething, preparing to rip my head off. I had offended. I had been ‘condescending’ without realising it. And here that Moon Cake had cost $12, and I had come all the way out to see her. Her role: sit there and be offended.
“How had I erred?” I wondered, so feminine, I, that it did not even occur to me that perhaps it was rude of her to insist that I should feel like a dog that just pissed on the rug. I later figured out she was one of the early pioneers of getting steamed to the max over ‘condescending’ speech, which is how all compassionate, feminine speech is now thought of. In the Russification / assholeification / masculinization of America, nobody can express condolence or compassion anymore without walking on eggshells and doing backflips to get it just. right. for. the. man.
For they are all men now.
My sense of compassion later got me in trouble on the job with a ‘poor Emma!’ remark over a tragedy that befell a coworker, which led 3 high-powered corporate drones to seethe and hiss, like a red alert button had been pressed. In another instance, my heartfelt expression of ‘best wishes for you during this time’ had a boss of mine seething. For the ego is so high, so masculine, now, that no vulnerability is permitted. Nothing is permitted to make the other feel... feminine. Not even for an instant! This masculine mask that they all wear is continually, renewably enraged at my sensitive, warm, caring, feminine self.
I only see one way out of this mess.
As patriarchal as many of his policies may be, Donald Trump does want Ivanka to be president someday. Mr. Ivanka and her little bitch, Jared Kushner, basically run the country already. Just read Vicky Ward’s book. Ivanka, a biological woman with a man’s assertive traits, has any number of proposals to help women and destroy the gay family. “Women Are Smarter Than Men” is one quote her father, Donald J. Trump, has made. I suggest that since the left cannot be trusted to do anything but masculinise America even further, we support Trump in 2020 and at least compromise with Ivanka as America’s first female president.
Voting for Donald and Ivanka has the extra bonus of leaving queer men, who don’t really matter anyhow, out in the cold and ruining their shot at paid family leave and forever destroying any notions they might get that they’re the equal of women.
While I work on overcoming my awful resentment towards men, queer men really aren’t men, they’re all on that spectrum, right? Part-woman, part-man, they don’t know what they are. They’re definitely way less manly than real men. And almost everything I write is fired up by resentment of queers, too.
MAGA, you cocksuckers
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Ruminations-life, love, relationships
For the past nine months I haven’t been pursuing a boyfriend or boyfriends until either 1, my mental health improves, 2, I can move on from being a part-time caregiver for my mom and let my brother take over, 3, I can find a better job/career, or all of the above, but I’ve been feeling so lonely lately that I’m wondering if I should just say “fuck it” and get back on both growlr and twitter. Still, I feel like I haven’t gotten out a lot of my own thoughts about my personal shortcomings in my last relationship and other concerns before pursuing another one, and this is as good a place as any as no one’s really here anymore, so long story incoming...
About 6 years ago, after coming out as a proud lover of large, hefty men I started exploring chub/gainer communities around in the area and after a while found a big fella who ended up becoming my best friend, whom I’ll call C. We bonded very quickly; after a while we were hanging out once a week consistently and I soon developed feelings for him.
Around the time C and I were hanging out and bonding, my dad was diagnosed with stage four bladder cancer and 3.5 years ago passed away. 6 or so months after that C asked if I wanted us to be more than just friends, but I put him off because I was in a bad mental state, partly from my dad's brutal battle with cancer and partly from my own insecurities. This hurt C far more than I knew at the time, and I still don’t forgive myself for causing him that much pain.
Some time later, March 2018, I told C I was being dumb and that I loved him deeply, and we started dating, but he told me that in that time he had discovered the pup community and found a sir/handler, S, who was moving to the area soon with his other 2 pups. I on the other hand in that time had been looking for community with the Seattle bears and chubs, however I felt their scene was kind of cliquey, financially discriminatory, and on occasion racist (despite how physically attractive I found a lot of them--this was really frustrating for someone who is only attracted to bigger, fluffier men).
So in the first couple months of C and my relationship I started exploring the pup scene/fetish online and in a couple of gatherings, and enjoyed a lot of what I saw, but it also left me with more questions than answers (turns out I'm far more switch than dom) and C certainly couldn't answer all of them given the fact that he was still a very new puppy. He specifically admitted that the details of our relationship became harder because I wanted to explore pup play, but at the same time wasn't at all sympathetic because I was partly exploring pup play just because he was into it, which he really didn't like (I also lied about this which still makes me feel sick, and danced around the issue instead of just being honest and saying "babe I just wanted to explore and be involved in the things you like"). This became even harder for me because C was being quickly welcomed into S's family, and got his collar soon after they moved to the area. I didn't want at all to intrude on their family because it would be psycho rude and I didn't even know any of them, but I was also deeply protective of C at the same time, and didn’t know how to handle my insecurities. I wish I had the emotional knowledge then that I do now. Starting to date C was a big change for me going from open-but-committed to my first poly relationship, so I was upset that I couldn't explore poly WITH C. It didn't seem fair.
Jealousy took over and I started telling C that I might want to pursue a family like S had, because if he was able to build a family exclusively of cute, chub pups than so could I. C cautioned me that S got very lucky compared to most, and that the likelihood of me being able to find a few gay partners all of the chubby variety and all of whom are compatible was very unlikely, and even if possible would take years (but, to my frustration, he would never give me a clear NO). While this sat heavy with me and I knew he was most likely right, it didn't help with my feelings of complete helplessness and isolation in my situation. I continued to ruminate. A big part of it that I fully regret and admit to is jealousy, and I had no idea before this whole situation that I was such a jealous person. But there was also massive anxiety--the feeling that there was nothing I could do, a feeling I don't handle that feeling very well, and I think it made my jealousy worse.
So instead of being patient, exploring pup play, enjoying the chub/chaser relationship I had with C, and just seeing how things went, I BADGERED C for some 7-8 weeks with impossible questions like...
"how would dom (me) and sub (him) pup interactions work given the fact he already has a handler?"
or "how can we ever belong to a larger family unit together (this was a big one for me) if your family is full," (I wasn’t his handler’s type anyway. He likes big chubs like I do so deep down I knew this was putting pressure on C to expand our relationship without asking if that was ok first),
or "what if in my explorations I discover I want want to be a handler or just part of a larger family, and somehow want you to be a part of that with me together without stepping on your handler's toes? How will that be possible?" (I knew C was an introvert and probably wouldn’t really have the energy/time to put into another complex relationship like that with me).
I knew that these questions were impossible to answer but still I continued to harass him, even though C told me on multiple occasions I was stressing him out and needed to back off and handle my jealousy and insecurities ("jealousy is poison in poly relationships", he said, and wasn't wrong). And in Fall, after a heated argument, he requested we take a 1 month break, which I spent learning to meditate and mitigate my anxiety and insecurities, while also begging fate for us to be able to stay together. When we met back up, I made my case that I was working hard to overcome anxiety and jealousy, but he told me the damage had been done. I was crushed.
After we broke up I continued to pursue meditation, but to be completely honest it barely kept the anxiety at bay and eventually I just gave up. I lost sleep over losing C for some 5 months, unable to clear my head of all those unanswerable questions for at least 2 hours most nights before falling asleep. I had lost both my best friend and lover, and at the time he was still rooming with my gaming friends and it was awkward for me to hang out, so I just felt alone, which is, without doubt, my one driving fear and what I wanted to avoid at all possible costs.
I remember thinking over and over again that I wished I had never put C off in the first place and had admitted my feelings to him sooner, but at the same time wouldn't have wanted anything to change as far as him meeting S and family. I just wanted things to somehow work between us as I explored what it meant for me to be poly.
In the months following our breakup I fought to recover from these feelings of loneliness by STILL continuing to attending pup social events and even a mosh (though I didn't participate in the mosh). It was hard when I would see S and his three pups show up, and I had to fight off nagging bad thoughts every time it happened.
Still, I met a couple of very nice chubby pups who I bonded with and became friends. Sadly, despite liking both of them, one couldn't afford to live in Seattle anymore and moved back to Wisconsin, and the other (whom I really liked but was too damaged from my breakup to pursue) got adopted by a couple of husbands and moved just outside of Milwaukee with them. It felt like the universe was picking on me for my fear of being left out or rejected. I was alone again.
Somehow I persisted and survived, but my memories of the few months after that are such a dull blur I'm not sure I was even alive at the time. C and I are good friends again and I have a core group of friends (including him) who I feel close to and game with about once every 2 weeks. I still love him a lot but he's not looking for anything and I need to moderate my attraction to him. Also, time I spend hanging out with him is time I'm not spending looking for a big partner to call my own so I feel weird sometimes when I play around with him and my feelings are so fucking strong. I would like to find a guy I have that connection with who also wants to live together. It's depressing how hard something that simple is to find.
Anyways this has gone on for far too long, but I needed to write down my ruminations somewhere and also double down on goals and reminders for future relationships so I don't make the same mistakes I did before:
-If I'm attracted to a guy as much as I was attracted to C, I need to remember and understand that there probably will be major consequences to putting them off, even if it's for my own comfort.
-If a guy asks me to give him space, legitimately do it, and don't be actively looking for the next opportunity to talk about difficult things.
-If I date a man and he has a master or another family, I need to be happy for him, and not try to follow in his path, unless that's something he would enjoy/welcome (C didn’t, and I didn’t want to accept that). But also emphasize that a family like that is what I’m looking for and ask him to be gentle/supportive with me while I pursue it.
-If I date a man with a master, I need to be patient, respectful, and willing to communicate with him at his pace. After a while I can hopefully ask if I can work to earn the handler/master’s trust to not have to ask permission to do most things with my partner. If that option isn’t available, then it’s probably not the relationship for me.
-Accept that large men who are happy being large and soft are few and far between, and finding one into me is going to take significantly longer than a typical gay relationship, and that if I'm not out there looking, the few opportunities that are there are going to come and go.
-Learn to balance being flexible with knowing my limits, and knowing when to put my foot down. I honestly should have been the first to cut my relationship off with C because he didn't want his partners to cross or for sexual experiences in one bedroom to be shared in the other's bedroom. And right away that should have been a huge warning sign for me because that's something that's very important to me in a poly relationship (though at the time I was very new to poly so that was the first time I discovered what I wanted). I think I partly held on to him so hard because, other than my emotional feelings for him (which built up over some 3+years), there just aren't that many 300+lb non-judgmental guys who are going to find me as attractive as I find them. Regardless, no matter how many boxes a guy ticks for me, if something bugs me that much then I need to not settle.
-Patience. Patience. Patience. I need to learn to relax. It's possible that everything between C and I would have worked out if I'd just been patient. Perhaps not, but I'll never know how much I can accomplish with patience unless I try.
Well, I guess it's time to get back on growlr, dig up my old twitter, and hope for the best.
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Down this road again...
Did I really forget how to swim?
Is the ice we skate on really this thin?
I thought maybe I would not go through this with him.
I thought all the love given would be enough to be forgiven.
So why do I live in this fear, in this cage?
Where do I find an outlet for my sadness and rage?
I am afraid.
And I am sorry, but to me, you have it made.
I know you’ll never see it this way.
So I’ll try to silence these thoughts day by day.
Where is the graciousness, gratitude, or simple recognition?
That in this life you can create a beautiful vision,
Which can easily come to fruition,
If you simply make the decision,
Find yourself internally driven,
And come to terms with all that you have been given.
Whether it wisdom, financial stability, health care, or just a real support system.
And I know that things were broken for you too.
I understand that I will never understand what you have been through.
But if you can’t wake up and see,
Your life is something so many envy.
Maybe you can’t be the one for me-
And before you chime in with you “if that’s how you feel I will let you be”-
It’s not because I want to be free,
But rather that you won’t fight for me.
It is that you will never understand how broken this life has made me.
People: friends, family, and lovers constantly betray me
Always praying someone is going to save me.
I’m experiencing mental and physical despair.
I know you probably barely care.
I can see it now, our conversation, your distant stare.
But it really isn’t fair.
You left me to rot,
I don’t care if you see or not.
I spend hours now daily staring at the clock.
When you don’t call I wonder if you forgot, didn’t care, or were too distracted by some other girl in there.
But I mustn’t say that, I wouldn’t dare. Why would I risk being called a jealous, crazy bitch?
Because I drive myself crazy.
Because I love you.
Because I care.
Oh and to find true love can be so rare.
And I know we could have it, I swear.
But not until you see past the pain in my heart that I so nonchalantly wear.
Babe, I beg you would just understand all the pain that I’ve felt,
And my desperate need to escape.
Or recognition that this might be my fate.
Maybe it’ll never get better than the first date.
But all you see is my inability to wait.
I’m just acknowledging the truth, that it may be too late.
Maybe I’m not meant to have a mate.
Maybe heaven filled up early and they had to close the gate.
My own flesh and blood was the first man to ever give me a drug.
He made me believe ecstasy was the same thing as a fathers love or a warm hug.
But he hid the badness, he swept the darkness under the rug.
But all those dark and evil prices crept up when I found myself in love.
When I try to find understanding my mind draws blanks.
I’m not trying to turn this into a competition, some kind of sick race.
I just want you to see where in the world I was placed.
It’s like the joint your friends pass you without warning you it was laced.
As soon as I could taste it was far too late,
Pushed towards hell and told it will all be well.
It’s my fate, something I have to face.
Forget that bullshit,
That’s all fake.
Life just didn’t want me to be great.
Doomed to be an addict,
Doomed to be a whore,
And absolutely nothing more.
I have no God to open windows,
Only the devil closing doors.
Knowing good and damn well I can not compete with most girls.
We live in different worlds.
You go to your parents as an escape,
For me it’s always a mistake.
Your family tells you to drive straight,
Mine would probably let me drive into a lake.
My father would definitely let me get date raped.
I know you think I’m exaggerating,
But moments ago we were smoking heroin together, let that sink in.
You don’t really know him.
There are some really dark things about him.
Things I hope will die with my generation.
Narcissism is the only word he wants to live in.
But he always wants to drag me down with him,
Knowing he has constantly failed his children.
Although it may be impossible to fully protect them,
Seems pretty basic moral integrity to look out for ones own kin.
If you think it’s just “tough love” that I was given, I would really like to share a portion,
Seriously I would have preferred my mom have an abortion.
Even that description can not begin to scratch the surface of the shitstorm that I live in.
And just like that my happiness was stolen.
I understand you’ll never know what it’s like to be a weed in the trash, while simultaneously being told your a flower with limitless potiental to grow.
Yet every bit of growth seems to stagnant, so slow.
I wish my past was like a map you could unroll.
I could take you where I’ve been, you could show me where to go.
But for now your advice is insulting because you’ve neglected to take the time to really get to know me.
Who am I? Do you have any clue?
What it is like to be anyone but you.
And don’t think for a second I haven’t tried to put myself in your shoes too.
I constantly try to understand because I do love you.
But I don’t think my whole past is even a story you could sit through.
I know just hearing some of my pain utterly disgust you.
Shit it does me too.
I use dark and sick humor to mask my mistakes.
Sometimes I believe my own bullshit and become a heartless bitch.
I turn off that switch.
But that should not invalidate my feelings you dick!
Great, now I sound like a prick.
Why can’t you just understand this shit?
Oh how I wish.
Don’t get me wrong, I get it, things had to be fixed.
But I am sick and tired of you saying it had to happen like this.
You left so quick that I could not pull myself together to get a goodbye kiss.
Now I do not know if I will ever get it.
You lied over and over,
Making me feel like I constantly had to look over my shoulder.
You stole from me repeatedly, so why should I believe you didn’t just use me?
You say I’m jealous?
What do you expect when our relationship is sexless?
You have often called me by the name of another bitch.
Do you even comprehend that shit?
You told me another woman’s sex was better than mine, but it’s “okay” because you were “out of your mind...”
But sure, “you’re in love with me”.
I’m not blind.
What you’re doing is not kind.
You probably are not in love with me and that is fine,
But do not let me do this time after time.
Trying so desperately to have you really love me.
Or make you want to be mine.
I’ve never been someone to be proud to have.
But for me, I want you to be my baby’s dad.
I want you to be my husband,
And I want you to be glad.
But again I know it’s something I will never have.
So I am sorry that I am sad.
Why am I so disgusting and broken?
Why is my pussy so scary to cum in?
You say you want a future, but you’ll never want my children.
Can you even picture a house that we are both happy to live in?
No really, think about that again.
This isn’t meant to be a sweet little hym.
This is the life I’ve created or been given.
I don’t know how to live in the system.
I’ll probably end up in another toxic relationship or abused by men since you think I’ll deserve it because I “hit” them.
Shit I’ll probably end up dead in the streets.
Hell maybe it’ll happen before you get out in the next couple of weeks.
So while I know I sit here and endlessly weap.
I shall consent to defeat.
Your family gave you an ultimatum.
Which ultimately made you choose them.
To me it’s sick we were put in a situation to make that decision.
And I get it, it’s cool, if I had your family I would probably choose them too.
And when you say “just don’t worry” or “don’t mind them,”
I wish you’d take a step back and look again.
Realize you will always choose them again and again.
To you, I am not family.
I’m barely even “your baby”
You’ve already shown your sister all of my crazy.
They already hate me (if they even waste the energy on me).
I’m trying so hard to explain don’t you see?
I don’t know how I will handle you going to leave me.
But I see for you it was pretty easy.
There wasn’t even a question of you staying with me.
The threat from your family was enough for you to leave oh so quickly.
And yet you do not even see that your family deceived you and me.
I wanted to be your family but now I see, that was extremely silly.
You probably won’t even spend another night with me.
So when I rant and bitch and try to explain my life it is simply because I never had it that nice.
You will probably find me dead before you ever understand what is going through my head every night before I go to bed.
My circle of support is so small and fake, I am not going to get better at all at this rate.
But yet when you ask if you should stop calling, I don’t know how to say yes, it would probably rip out my chest.
But if I had to guess, it won’t be long until no love is left.
The things she said honestly destroyed me and every time I read it, it makes me want to die,
I may as well be out of my mind, out of sight.
Just so she can be right and I can be the “bad guy”.
But I am realizing as I write this that it will all be okay, maybe even better this way.
I bet you don’t even know what to say, just like every time, everyday.
But your giant heart always makes my world fall apart.
Even at your darkest I see your spark.
Even with this time apart.
And you are so fucking smart.
The intelligence of 100 men, the strength of a lion.
A beautiful mane, looks that drive me insane.
The gentle grace, which will have me follow you any place.
You can do anything you set your mind to and I really hope that you’ll find the courage to take the time to.
You gave me some of the best memories of my life.
You are so sweet, too damn nice.
Though I know I will dream of you every night,
I recognize I am toxic and will respectfully remove myself from your life.
And maybe in moments when I’m high, I can hang on to your beautiful light and momentarily forget about my life.
I am sorry I held you back,
I am sorry I took your friends,
I am sorry I took your happiness,
I am sorry I made you loose yourself.
I really hope you hang onto your health.
I love you forever and you will always make my heart melt.
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could you do RFA+Trio with an MC that has always been pushed to excel in as many things as possible and thus is deathly afraid of failing or coming up short in any way? Similar to marcy from 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee! :o I hope this isn’t too complicated of an ask!!
I’m not familiar with Marcy or the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, but I think I have a pretty good idea of what you mean. ^^
Masterlist 📜 || Ko-fi ☕
RFA + Saeran and Vanderwood reacting to an MC who fears failure
Hyun Ryu // Zen
With a career that requires him to constantly put himself out there, he’s no stranger to failure. It’s got him doubting himself on more than one occasion.
But he also truly believes that failures are temporary. You might fail once, you might fail twice, maybe even ten times. The important thing is to get yourself back up and move on.
His past has also put a scar on his soul, one that has started to fade away, much unlike yours.
That’s why he’s so adamant about helping you deal with your trauma. That’s the way he thinks of it - trauma caused by someone’s unhealthy expectations of you at a time when you were supposed to be free and happy.
“Go kick their asses, babe! I know you can do it. And if you can’t? I got your back. I always have and I always will, babe. I promise.”
Once he realizes you two have gone through pretty much the same thing, he breaks down and starts crying.
Not just because he was reminded of how hard it was for him to go through high school, with the stress of studying, trying to please everyone else and secure a good future for himself, plus his fluctuating weight, no. He loves you so much that he secretly wishes you had a happy childhood and carefree teenage years.
“You know, honey? I know people were probably trying to look out for us, I really do. And I know I owe a lot to my parents. But I also know their expectations shaped a version of me that was only temporary.”
Despite everything, he truly believes that at its core, what your parents did and what his parents did was something that was supposed to help you both become better versions of yourselves.
“We’re all grown up now and we’re free to take action. So let’s make the best out of our freedom, together.”
As someone who’s had to take care of herself for most of her life, she knows what it’s like to fear that you’ll come short. It always comes at a cost, and more often than not it’s your mental health paying the price.
She acknowledges the fact that it will take time for you to come out of your shell and let loose, so she never forces aggressive methods of dealing with the problem on you.
Instead, her efforts remind you of gentle nudges, not strong enough to make you feel like you’re way out of your comfort zone, but persistent enough to make you notice that you’re pushing your limits.
When the going gets really tough, she’s always there for you with take-out, hot coffee, fluffy blankets, and her warmest hugs.
And truth be told, having someone like her who’s also testing her boundaries, be it with joining different martial art classes or opening her own cafe, you can’t help but feel hopeful that maybe things will work out for you as well.
Even though you’re trying to hide your fear of failure, afraid that you might burden and disappoint him, he recognizes the signs early on.
You constantly worry about what other people will think of you. Their opinion holds more value to you than your own.
Despite being incredibly intelligent, and capable, he’s noticed you often put yourself down, belittling your hard-earned accomplishments and skills.
The worst of it all - you bottle things up in fear that your failure might cause him to leave you, that it will deem you unworthy of him.
It breaks his heart.
So naturally, he wants to help you, and what better way to do that than to show you how capable and smart you actually are.
Using his data gathering and analytical skills, he will prepare a paper on all your achievements so far with the last few pages being blank - for your future accomplishments.
“No one is immune to failure, love, but I do believe that together we can minimize the chance of it happening to 0.0000001%.”
707 // Luciel // Saeyoung
Seeing as he struggled with the same issue for the longest time, he’s all too familiar with the paralyzing fear of not having done enough.
He’s identified the root cause of his own fear - failing his brother, failing to stay out of his father’s reach, failing to keep his friends safe.
It’s caused him enough mental breakdowns and panic attacks to know he doesn’t want you to go through the same under any circumstances.
So he just… talks to you.
Encourages you to do things for yourself and not for the people who have such high expectations of you that they don’t realize they’re hurting you.
Helps you convey emotions you’ve been bottling up for years.
Together, you two learn how to live your own lives.
It’s a long process, but freedom has never tasted so good to Seven as in those shared moments with you when you do the things that make you happy.
Ray // Unknown // Saeran
It truly pains him to see you struggle with something he’s been struggling with as well.
He’s often compared himself to a weed. Persistent, eager to live, but bound to be a lesser version of the pretty flowers everyone loves. A failure.
But when he looks at you, he sees a pretty flower that can never in a million years be deemed a filthy weed. So why do you fear something that would never happen?
He’s come a long way since his days in Magenta, so instead of diving headfirst into the pool of unhealthy thoughts, he spends some time analyzing these contradictions and how best to deal with them.
“You made me believe I have a future ahead of myself, my angel. Good or bad, it’s whatever I make it, and with you by my side, I’m sure I can take whatever comes my way. So I’d like to ask a simple favor of you.”
“When you think about the future, please imagine yourself happy, love. Don’t imagine a future in which fear controls your life. Promise me this. And I’ll make a promise to you myself. I’ll be right here next to you as you make that happy future happen.”
Jihyun Kim // V
He was tired.
He was so tired of having to live the life of someone he wasn’t. He was so tired of doing things that didn’t showcase his true self.
It all changed when he met you.
You gave him the courage and strength to show the world who he is. Not V, but Jihyun Kim.
So when he notices the familiar signs of fear in you, he takes action immediately.
He covers the refrigerator with those small magnets with affirmative messages on them, hoping that they will help you see the brighter sight of things on mornings when he can’t be there for you physically.
Through his art, he shows you a side of yourself that you have so conveniently forgotten about - the brave, capable woman that is always ready to help those in need no matter what.
“There is no shame in experiencing failure, darling. It’s just another step toward finding who you truly are. If you allow me to, I’d like to help you embrace it.”
“You know, bubbles, statistically speaking, failure is inevitable.”
Even though he doesn’t wanna hurt you, not at all, he wants to help you understand failure is an inevitable part of life, even if that means he’s the one that gives you the reality check he believes you need.
Despite this, he sometimes finds himself quite mad at the people who treated you in a way that caused you to develop a fear of failure.
If it was up to him, he wouldn’t let you talk to them more than once every few months, but he trusts you can handle them.
Instead, he focuses his energy and efforts on actually helping you deal with your fear before it turns into something that could possibly leave permanent scars on you.
“Steady progress is still progress, bubbles. If you ask me, it’s way better than impulsive action, because you’re actually in control of it.”
Heavily relies on actions to help you. Not a man of many words, after all.
Celebrates all your victories with your favorite dish.
“Don’t look at me like that! You deserve this, bubbles. “
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Not So Picture Perfect Part 2 || Kian Lawley Imagine (HIGHLY Requested)
PART 1 HERE
“I can’t believe this is happening! Are you ready for this?” Callie asked me.
“I have to be! It’s a little too late to turn back now, don’t you think?”
“Yeah, I guess. I’m just nervous for you. It took you so long to reach this decision and I want you to be more than 100% positive that this is what you want to do.”
“I’m positive. I love him and he loves me.”
“He loves me,” I reassured her.
“Okay. Then love him and I’ll be right here with you through it all because I too love you.”
“Awe, Cal, I love you too.” We left the room we were in and I was met with a room full of family and friend. I looked straight ahead and saw my other half standing at the alter. His eyes sparkled like they always have and his smile made me weak in the knees.
After what seemed like an eternity, I finally said, “I do.”
“I know pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”
We stared at each other for a moment and made the move.
I launched straight up from my bed and tried to catch my breath. “Shit,” I said to myself as I wiped the sweat and sleep from my face. “Fuck. Why does this keep happening?” I look over at my clock to see it read 4:33 am.
I feel a hand on the left side of my lower back and jump a little.
“Whoa, didn’t mean to scare you. You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just a dream.”
“You want to talk about it?”
I rest my head on my left shoulder and look over to my boyfriend, “No, Baby. It’s okay, just go back to sleep.” He kisses my arm and closes his eyes again. I lay my head back on my pillow and stare up at my ceiling, trying to figure out why this keeps happening. Then it hits me.
It’s been one year today.
“Y/N, I love you.”
Those words made my decision so much easier.
I stared at the screen for what felt like hours, turns out it was only a minute. One minute. How can 60 seconds help me to decide what I want? The shitty part is, I still questioned what I wanted. I started to drift back off to my own thoughts when I got a call from Kian.
“Y/N! Please, talk to me. It’s seriously not what it looks like.”
“It looks like you have your hands on someone who isn’t me. Not only that, but you allowed pictures to be taken and now I look like a fucking idiot! THAT’S WHAT IT FUCKING LOOKS LIKE, KIAN!”
“Please. I know, I’m so sorry.” I could tell how hard he was trying to hold back his tears. “I love-”
“We’ll talk when you get back.” With that, I hung up the phone and blocked his number.
My head was going a mile a minute and I couldn’t hold back my emotions any longer. It was something about his voice that made the tears fall harder than they were before.
My phone rang again, it was Callie.
“Hey. I know you’re hurting, but Thomas is here and we need to know if you’re okay. And by ‘okay’ we mean ‘not self destructive’. Please say you’re okay.”
“Yeah, sure I’m fine,” I said with hostility.
“Y/N, we know you love him, but he just isn’t the one or maybe he is. And that’s okay! That’s the beauty of life.”
“Look Thomas, I know you’re trying to make me feel better, but I already said I’m okay. The last thing I need to hear is what you’re saying. Can I go now?”
“Yeah, we’ll talk to you later, okay? I’ll stop by tomorrow and we can just talk. We all care about you. We hope you know that.” I didn’t answer and just hung up.
I kept scrolling through my tagged posts until I finally fell asleep.
I was awoken from my spot on the couch when I heard the jingle of keys being inserted into the front door and my name being called out.
“Y/N?! Y/N! Are you here?”
I felt my heart drop to my ass when I heard whose voice it was.
“Kian, why are you yelling? I’m right here.” He set his bags down with a slam and walked over to me.
“Hi. I didn’t really know if you would still be here.” I didn’t reply as I looked him in his eyes. I could see he was wasn’t happy.
“I’m sorry. Y/N, I don’t know where to begin. I had this planned out in my head and now...”
“Tell me why. Why did you do it? Who is she?”
“I don’t know. We were all drinking and JC went off with her friend, so it was just me and Dom and that girl-”
“Her name is Megan.”
“Right, Megan.” This was the first time his eyes left mine.
“Did you have sex with her?”
“Kian! Did. You. Have. Sex. With. Her?”
“Please don’t yell at me. I’m like, already having a heart attack.”
“You need to leave. Just get out.”
“No! I need you to talk to me.”
“What is there to talk about, Kian? The last 2 years of our relationship is fucking trash because of you. I did everything right and all I asked for in return was for you to respect me. You couldn’t do it.”
“It doesn’t have to be thrown away. Baby, you know I love you and you KNOW I respect every inch your being-”
“No you don’t because when I gave you my heart, my everything, you threw me a big ‘Fuck You’. We can never be what we were.”
I couldn’t keep talking to him. I was either going to yell or cry and I couldn’t do that in front of him. Not right now.
“I can’t talk to you right now, or ever again.” He put his head down and cried. He dried his eyes and stood up to leave. He kicked his suitcase down and looked at me with the saddest eyes.
“I’m sorry. I love you and I need you to know that. I fucked up and I know that, but what I had with you is real. I feel it in every fiber of my soul. I love you with parts of my body that I didn’t even know I had.” When he said that, I couldn’t help but bawl. I couldn’t face him and he finally got the hint.
He made his way closer to the door and all the memories flashed through my head. The pictures, the laughs, the cries, the fries and milkshakes that we shared. Everything.
“Wait!” I turn around and face him, he does the same with hope on his face. “I know you love me, Kian. I love you too, but I have to love me. If I stayed with you after this, I would be allowing myself to be in a tainted relationship and I’ll be damned if I let myself sink that low. You need to leave your key on the table. We’ll set up a schedule for you to move your stuff out when you find someone to let you stay with them.”
I watch his eyes and I know that he understands what I’m saying. He nods and takes the apartment key off his chain. I walk over to him and take his face in my hands.
“I don’t want you to destroy yourself over this. I can’t stand the thought of you hurting, no matter how much you hurt me. Promise me you’ll take care of yourself.” He leaned into my hand and kissed my palm.
“I promise.” He turned around and put his hand on the knob. “Tell me this isn’t forever. That you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me and grant me with a second chance.”
I walked over to him and gently placed my hand on his back, “I’ll see you later, Kian.” With that, he left.
For the first time in the past few days, I was alone, but I didn’t feel alone.
The next day, Thomas came over and sat and talked to me for hours like he said he would. It was weird to laugh again, but it felt good. Even though it wasn’t with Kian.
“When Carmen cheated on me last month, you and Callie nursed me back to health. I need you to know that it’s all going to be okay. Allow yourself to feel sad, mad, guilty that you ‘gave up’ on your relationship. You’re going to feel it all. It’s normal, but when you come out on the other side, you'll be a whole new person.”
“How did you come out on the other side so fast?”
“Who said I’ve made it yet?”
The next few weeks were filled with movie nights with my squad, alcohol and the realization that I will be okay and that it’s not my last chance at love.
END OF FLASHBACK
I get up and call Callie.
“What the fuck do you want at almost 5 am?”
“Good morning, Sunshine.”
“It’s been a year.”
“What?” It takes her a minute to realize. “Oh shit. Are you okay? Is he okay?”
“Yeah, I’m okay. I had the dream again.”
“Are you trying to manifest something that I don’t know about?”
“NO! We’re still getting to know each other on a different level, I’m not ready for marriage.”
“I know you got hurt really bad, but he loves you. I’m actually kind of jealous seeing you two all close. I feel like a third wheel HAHA! Do you plan on talking about with him? Trudging up all that old shit?”
“You’re never a third wheel. I can never thank you, Thomas and Ricky and honestly everyone that as there for me. And for Kian too. He fucked up royally, but he’s still human. I might talk to him about it. It affects him too.”
“You’re welcome, babe. Listen, I’m all for talking to you in about 6 hours, but I need sleep. Hey, good luck with the talk. With all the shit you both endured last year, it’s still weird for me to say this, but you need each other.”
“I love you, Callie. Goodnight.”
I hang up the phone and climb back into bed. I lay there thinking how if last year never happened, I wouldn’t be where or who I am today. Physically, emotionally and mentally.
I look over at him. He’s so beautiful. He’s different. Who knew that a year can change so many things. The maturity that was found still amazes me. Not just in me, but the journey he joined me on. I know better now and he knows me like never before. The love we have is like no other. He’s perfect. He’s everything. He’s Thomas.
(AUTHORS NOTE: I really hope you guys like this! I’m so sorry it took so long to post! I just wanted to say that have NOTHING against Megan! Kian and JC were both single when this happened. This story is COMPLETE FICTION!)
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w e a r e a l l m a d h e r e
Whoever was controlling the weather seemed to took pity on you.
After countless times blocking out the sun from entering your room and wishing the ball of fiery gas would explode from within, the clouds decided to especially gather themselves and summoned heavy rain upon whatever city you were forced to live in. Pelts of water hit your barricaded window, small at first, turning heavy in a matter of few minutes.
It was as if the heavens cried along with you, dragging down your solemn mood further. Cold air bit against your skin, and as you curled in bed with your blanket, you thought you would be spending the whole day in the bed yet again.
Your thoughts was proven wrong when Namjoon knocked on your door and excused himself in.
"How are you doing, babe?"
Sighing, you turned away from him and burrowed your face to your pillow, signaling your desire to be left alone. His company felt intrusive in the safe haven of your room.
"You've been cooping yourself up in here a lot," he hummed casually, "Don't you want to go explore outside? It's a big world out there. You haven't seen anything Korea has to offer."
"Go.... outside?" You gulp, the memories of your humiliating encounters flashing in your mind. The judging looks. The pitying smiles. The foreign words which might have been an insult for all you knew.
"Oh? I thought you wanted to go out," Namjoon's smile stayed, as if he was playing around with your emotions-- playing around with you, "You want to go back. Didn't you?"
"I still do!"
"Really, because you don't sound so sure."
Maybe it was because you were so drained emotionally, or maybe it was your real feelings, but his words struck something in you. The days you were cooped here was like being in a limbo. You honestly weren't so sure of what you wanted anymore.
"Are you saying.... you'd let me to.... to go outside?"
"The others, most probably not. But I would," he glanced at the window and then back to you, gaze narrowing, "I would, but since you haven't been a good girl... Maybe not for the time being."
"Then why did you bother asking? I'm not playing your stupid mind game!" you snarled and hugged your pillow, turning away from Namjoon and his stupidly calm face, "I just want things to go back to normal! I'm anxious and exhausted and I'm just-- tired of it all!"
You had hoped that he would relent and leave you to your devices. Instead, he climbed the bed and sat on the edge, watching your back with a frown, "But we've been taking care of you like we always did, babe. All that's changed was the location and your behavior towards us."
"You forgot the abduction and confinement part."
Namjoon watched you carefully, the gears turning in his brain. He couldn't deny what had happened, and while your reaction was within his predictions, you were more stubborn than he thought. Sticking to morals and normalcy like the model student that you were.
He had to make you see it their way, and shoot your arguments down.
"Alright, humor me: We all wish to keep you around because we love you. But you're telling us you don't want to. Why?"
You gritted your teeth and turned fully towards him, emphasizing your sentence with a glare, "Well, maybe I hate you guys after all you did, ever think about that?"
Contrary to your expectation, Namjoon's calm facade didn't even twitch in the slightest, "No. If you truly did, you wouldn't have any problem with hurting us and running away. But you don't seem to have any intention to do that."
Oh god, were you getting into a debate with Namjoon? The recollection of your previous exchange right outside the house haunted you, hanging over your confidence. The thrumming of rain against the window and muffled sound of lighting matched your heart rate as they sped up.
"Well, the facts still stands that you brought me here without my consent!"
"Tell me, what's waiting for you back there, [F/N]? An aunt who barely gives you enough allowance to scrape by every month? An university who couldn't care less that you went missing? An empty dorm, exceedingly boring lectures, a dull corporate job in the future?"
All of those, you thought grimly, but instead of complying, took a blind shot at chances, "M-My friends, for example!"
"Oh, really? And where are they now?"
Where were they? You had no idea either. Why was no one looking for you? You've always found it strange, but maybe....
Maybe they just didn't care.
Maybe no one cared about you.
"We're the only ones who cares, [F/N]. We care about you, more than anyone else."
Why did he have to sound so sincere?
Namjoon smiled when you met his gaze, overwhelmingly gentle and so full of love.
You knew your resolve was crumbling, but you didn't want to give up just yet.
"You... You're keeping me in this.... cage! You're not even letting me go outside the house!"
"You say this is a cage, but you seem very comfortable spending your time in it," he prodded, tone not accusatory, and yet you still felt the slight jab of his words.
"This place is becoming your home each day that passes, [F/N], don't deny it. You might think of this room as your jail at first, but now, it's your safe space. And that's perfectly fine! In fact, we're happy that you're settling in."
"The reason we're keeping you contained for now is because we knew you wouldn't know better. We wanted you to sit down and think. You've had a lot of time to do so; haven't you realized how your current situation is a better alternative for you?"
"A better alternative?!" You shook your head, "You're crazy."
"Well, for one, you don't need to pay tuition," he gestured around you, onto the room you've grown accustomed to, but you had a feeling he wasn't just talking about the extravagant space, "You have your own room. You don't need to work nor stress about the future of your career. You're taken care of and you're well fed, all with zero cost."
"I.... That..... Well, for that, I thank you. But still doesn't excuse the fact that--"
"You struggled with academics before, stressful papers and thesis and assignments, you weren't sure if it's worth it, not sure if it's your passion, always worrying of how to find a job in the future-- but now, you don't need to care about that anymore. Because we won't demand all those stress to be imposed upon you, [F/N]. We want you happy and safe by our side."
"W-Well," you stuttered, unsure on what to say. How did he even know about that? You never told him anything about all those thoughts inside your head! "Fine, that's also true but--"
"To complete it off, us moving in for the past two months had a positive effect on your overall mental and physical health. Being around us improved you yourself as a person. Us being around you also makes us happier. This arrangement clearly brought positive impacts to both parties. What's wrong with extending it indefinitely?"
You opened your mouth to argue, but Namjoon continued on, eyes studying your expression.
"I know you want to enjoy yourself living with us, just like back then, at the dorm. What's the difference between then and now? We're the same people. I promise you, we can treat you better here. We can spoil you and you can focus on us. It's a win-win situation. Why would you want to go back when we have something better here?"
"You belong with us, [F/N]. We're all yours."
Protest, your mind yelled.
But you had nothing. Namjoon's words made sense. You were happy amongst the boys. They seemed to be happy to have you around, too, which was a feat you still didn't understand how you managed to do.
So what was your problem in the first place?
You didn't know anymore.
"As I said, if you just want to go outside, I, for one, wouldn't mind to let you out. But only when you've proven that you fully understand, that the reason we're doing this is because we want you with us, and we just want you to be happy."
You kept your silence, chewing your bottop lip, the inside of your head a mess.
What was wrong, and what was right?
Namjoon's hand enveloped yours, firm and reassuring, and you looked up to meet his eyes.
"I know what's best for you, [F/N]. Trust me."
The drumming of rain against the house's walls and windows seemed to soften.
"This isn't normal, Namjoon."
"I know. But different doesn't always equal bad," you could feel the blond shift closer to you, "Let us show you how happy we could make you if you let us."
Namjoon's dimpled smile reappeared on his cheeks, and you smiled weakly at seeing the gesture. You've always loved how unique each and every smiles the boys had. They never failed to make you feel warm and giddy inside.
"Well then!" Namjoon stretched his arms and glanced at the door, "Wanna get something to eat? Jin hyung's at the office, so we can't exactly have home cooked meals.... But I could try!"
You looked up in alarm and shook your head rapidly, remembering the loud protests from the boys whenever Namjoon volunteered to help in the kitchen. Not that you've witnessed any incidents, but knowing Namjoon's knack of breaking things, you could imagine thousands of scenarios of 'what could go wrong'.
"No, no no! We can get food delivered, or just settle with leftovers, really!"
"Hey! I've been learning to cook! I can cut onions now! I mean, it'll take me ten minutes, but still...."
"Namjoon.... Just. No."
"I guess we won't be needing the chains and drugs for now...."
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