#you thought only my mental health was bad my physical health isn’t any better babe

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#you thought only my mental health was bad my physical health isn’t any better babe #gif #animatedtext #wordart #transparent

[doctorstethoscope]

In the Garden || A. Hotchner x Fem!Reader

hello babes! Something a little different today-- I didn’t have time to write a request that I was going to be pleased with, so this is something that’s been sitting in my drive for a while. Hope you like it! 

Submit requests here! 

contains: sexual innuendo, gun mention

wordcount: 2.4k

You can’t remember the last time you wore a dress, much less a gown like the one JJ was zipping you into now-- dresses weren’t practical for field work with the BAU, and even when you’d worked in the counterterrorism unit, you’d much preferred a professional blouse and pair of slacks. But the First Lady had decided to throw a ball in the White House to celebrate federal employees, and the Bureau was receiving an award, which the Director had hand-picked the BAU to accept. So, gown. Even though you’d much prefer to be changing into a pair of sweats-- you had been called on a case two days before the ball, and Garcia saved the day by running to everyone’s apartments and grabbing their nice clothes so you all wouldn’t be late. Which is how you found yourself squeezing into a sleek off the shoulder number in the Batcave, with Emily batting at your face with a makeup brush and JJ tugging at your zipper. 

“Babe, you look hot.” Penelope says as Emily and JJ step away from you, admiring their work. 

“All Emily’s work,” you deflected with a shy smile. 

“We’ll have that fight when we’re not running late,” Emily said, pulling you out of Garcia’s office, she and JJ not far behind. 

Derek let out a wolf whistle when he saw you all approaching, and you heard JJ’s windchime laugh from a few steps behind. 

“Hello ladies,” he said with an exaggerated leer. 

“Derek Morgan, you’re lucky that my thigh holster doesn’t go with this dress.” Emily spits out, and all of you burst out in laughter. 

“Chocolate thunder, you clean up good,” Garcia says, crossing to Derek, who moved to put his arm around her shoulders as Reid emerged into the bullpen. 

“Speaking of cleaning up good,” JJ says with a small smile, and you catch Reid blushing. 

“Did you know that balls like this can cost American taxpayers up to a million dollars?” He asks the group, and you smile.

“Maybe don’t mention that when the first lady gives us the award, yeah Spence?” You tease, and he treats you to a little chuckle.

You hear Hotch before you turn to see him and Rossi. “Alright, let’s go,” He says, leading the group out of the BAU and towards your SUVs. You end up in the passenger seat of the car Rossi is driving. 

“You doing okay, kid? You’re awful quiet this evening. Invitations to Federal Government Prom don’t come often, you know.” He smirks, and you half-ass a smile in return. 

“Yeah, I’m okay, Rossi. Just tired, you know. Would have preferred to get a night’s sleep in my own bed before we did this, you know?” 

He nods, but there’s no use in lying to a profiler. 

The food, you have to admit, is leagues better than the instant ramen you would have cooked up if you had gone home tonight. And the conversation isn’t half bad either, you admit to yourself as you lazily flirt with Paul, a junior fellow from the Department of Health and Human Services, just barely putting in enough effort to seem interested while allowing your mind to wander.

The sensation of a warm hand in between your exposed shoulder blades distracts you from your train of thought. 

“Excuse me,” Aaron’s deep baritone interrupts Paul’s nervous tenor. “I’d like to cut in for a dance, if you don’t mind.”

Paul sputters, and you laugh, because you know that Aaron was asking you, not this early-thirties politico type that he towered over, both physically and morally. 

“We’ll catch up later?” you said to Paul, with absolutely no intent to catch up later, before Aaron led you out to the dance floor. 

“Hotch, I’m gonna step on your feet.” You warned. 

“No you won’t,” he assures you. “Follow my lead.” 

You do as you’re told, and you’re surprised to realize just how easy it is to follow him, anywhere. 

“Aaron Hotchner, when on Earth did you learn to ballroom dance?” You asked incredulously. 

“Boarding school,” He answers with an easy smile.

“You’re joking,” you accuse. 

“Ah, yes, something I’m known to do.”

“You remain a mystery, Hotchner.”  You tell him.

“I don’t know. That might have been my last secret.” 

You roll your eyes, content to continue dancing, and finding yourself getting distracted again. 

“What are you thinking about?” Aaron asks, and you mentally curse yourself for letting your guard down in front of your boss. 

“Oh, it’s nothing. I’m just tired. But really grateful to be here, of course, and--”

“I wasn’t asking as your boss, you can stand down,” He smirks, dipping you quickly and it takes your breath away. “You’re thinking of leaving.” He says as he lifts you back up, and it’s not a question. 

“How did you-- I can’t believe-- Damn profilers.” You harrumphed. 

“You’ve been distant, the past couple weeks. You’re in your early twenties accepting an award at the White House, by all accounts you should be ecstatic. That’s when I knew something was wrong. And when I saw you with Peter, or whatever his name was, who you couldn’t be less interested in, that’s when I knew it was us.” 

“See, and that’s exactly why I need to leave. Because I’ll never be able to do that.” You tell him, finally looking him in the eye.

“You will,”  He says in a self-assured tone that does nothing to assuage your anxiety.

“I don’t know,” you sighed. 

“I do.” 

“Maybe I’m not good enough, Hotch.” You confess carelessly. He’s already figured you out. Might as well fess up to your deepest insecurities while your boss holds you and stares you down with his deep brown eyes in the middle of the East Room.

“You are,” he says in that same tone, that you’re sure is supposed to be calming but is only infuriating. 

“But maybe I’m not! Maybe I’m one of those people who always wanted to do it, who always wanted to be an agent, but it’s like a pipe dream for me. I don’t contribute to the team the same way everyone else does. I don’t pick up on the things that seem so obvious to all of you, and it sucks. I can still do good work, but you know-- you change your dreams and you grow up. Maybe I’m one of those people and I’m just not supposed to be here. I just can’t stay knowing that I’m not supposed to be here-- I have to leave.” You’re not even sure if your soliloquy makes any sense, but Aaron pulls you a little closer, so he can speak the next few words lowly, directly into your ear. 

“You’ve been here eight months. It takes time. You are an incredible agent, and an asset to this team. I don’t need another profiler that sees the same things we all see-- I need you, and your observations, the things we missed-- those are the things that solve cases. I can’t-- I can’t allow you to change your dream. I can’t let you leave. I need you here.” 

You let his words hang in the air for a moment before he speaks again. 

“The, uh-- the team needs you. We all need you, and your observations, is what I meant.” He stammers. 

“Hotch?’ You ask, confused by the sudden change in tone. 

“Do you want to go get some fresh air? Get away from the crowd?” He asks, pulling away to look at you, and there’s an invitation in his eyes. Maybe a more seasoned profiler would know exactly what it was, but you were excited to find out nonetheless.  

“Yeah, I think I do.”

You’re certain that you’re breaking some sort of law as Hotch pulls you out of the ballroom and down a hallway, his fingers interlocked with yours. You try not to think about it too much. Your heels click against the marble floors as you follow Aaron’s brisk pace, and eventually he finds a door outside, opening it up and allowing you to pass through it first. It takes a minute to place yourself, especially under the cover of night, but after a moment you realize you’re in the rose garden. 

“Toto, I have a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore,” You say under your breath with a little laugh as you look out over the sprawling display of flowers and plants. 

“It definitely beats the Quantico courtyard,” Aaron agrees.

“Never thought I’d make it there, either.” You confess, not looking at him.

“But you did. It wasn’t meant to be easy, but you made it, and you’ll grow. You just need time.” He tells you. 

“How can you be so sure?” You ask, feeling your eyes well up. 

“I was young once, too.” He tells you with a self-deprecating grin. 

“You can’t play up the wise, ancient elder with me, Hotch. I’ve seen you chase Jack across a soccer field like you’re still in your twenties.” You laugh, but he can hear the emotions behind it.

“Hey, come on, I mean it. I’m not Rossi, but I’ve got my fair dose of wisdom to share,” he says, moving closer to you and placing a hand on your arm, trying to comfort you. “Let’s keep dancing. If you want to talk, you can talk. But you thought you couldn’t dance, and you could dance, right? So we can keep doing that until you believe me.” He said, pulling your hand up in his and placing his other on your waist. 

The two of you moved slowly, the orchestra from inside only barely audible from where you were standing. With Hotch’s bad ear, he could really only hear it when his body was angled just right in the direction of the East Room, but somehow he had perfect rhythm regardless. You move in silence for a song or two or three before Hotch speaks up again. 

“I lied to you, earlier.” He confesses, still guiding you effortlessly through a simple waltz. 

“How do you mean?” You ask, suddenly nervous that you were right, that you’re a complete failure of an agent, and that you need to pack your bags and head on back to Kansas.

“I lied when I said that I’d told you my last secret.”

“Oh,” you said, too caught up in your own head to try to understand what he was saying.

“And I lied when I told you that I meant the team needed you--” you felt that bone-crushing weight on your soul again-- “we do, of course, but that’s not what I meant.” 

“Hotchner, what are you talking about?” You finally asked, no longer able to tolerate the emotional whiplash of his conversation.

“When I said I needed you, I meant it.” 

“Oh,” you say, your face a portrait of shock and confusion, even though you understood him completely. 

“That’s selfish of me as a person, and wrong of me as your superior, and maybe that means that I’m outing myself as the kind of fucked-up person that isn’t worth another second of your time, but I needed you to know.” He stops dancing now, tries to hedge a bit of space between you without letting you go entirely. 

“Aaron,” you whisper, clinging to him more tightly as he pulls away, feeling his jacket wrinkle under your fingernails. 

“Yes?” he whispers back. 

“I’m glad you told me,” you tell him, and that’s all the permission he needs to take your face in both of your hands and kiss you, with a gentleness that makes you feel like spun gold, with the reverence of a man who knows that love is not a game, with the hunger of one who has been starved for months. 

He pulls away from you, too soon, and your eyes are wet. “My resignation will be on your desk by Monday morning.”

He takes a step away. “What do you--” 

“Goodnight, Aaron,” You tell him with a sad little smile, turning around towards the door you came from and leaving him in the garden.

You’re drowning your sorrows in a pint of Ben and Jerry’s when the doorbell rings the next day. You swing the door open grumpily, to reveal Aaron. 

“It’s Saturday, and you can’t turn in your resignation until 9am Monday. What can I do in the next forty eight hours to convince you that you belong here?” Aaron asks, still standing in the hall of your apartment complex.

You sigh, stepping aside to let him in. You can’t give him what he wants, but you won’t have this argument where all the neighbors will hear, either. “It’s too late, Hotch.”

“It’s not too late,” he argues, checking his watch. “I have forty six hours and thirteen minutes.”

“I’ll still be the girl who got this job on her back forty six hours from now.” You tell him, folding your arms.

“You’ll be what?” He asks, incredulous. 

“I know that you heard me loud and clear. 

“I’m sorry, I just didn’t know that you slept with Erin Strauss. I didn’t think you were her type.” He says, and you let out an exasperated sigh. 

“You’re absolutely incorrigible!” You cry out. 

“Who implied that you got this job on anything other than your own merit?” Aaron asks, a glint in his eye that lets you know that they’ll be handled just as soon as he gets you to shred the letter of resignation you drafted last night.

“Didn’t I? You didn’t clear my promotion because you were attracted to me?” You asked.

“I cleared your promotion before we even met-- your interview was a bureau formality. Your reputation and the glowing recommendations from your peers in counterterrorism spoke volumes.”  He assures you.

“Oh,” you let out, your anger deflating. 

“If you want to leave because of my inappropriate behavior, please reconsider. I’m incredibly sorry for--” He starts, but you cut him off, placing your hands on his face and pulling him in for a kiss. 

“Nothing to be sorry for. Please continue to be inappropriate,” you tell him in between kisses. 

He smiles as he continues to place kisses across your face, your jaw, your neck, your collarbone. “Right now?” He asks, slipping a hand underneath your shirt.  “You want me to be inappropriate right now?” 

“If you’re really good at it, I’ll let you tear up my resignation yourself.” 

@romanogersendgame @wanniiieeee      @zheezs14      @greeneyedblondie44 @angelic-kisses13  @baumarvel @ssamorganhotchner  @ijustwannaread2k19    @rexit-mo @shmaptainhotchnersmain @qtip-blog @averyhotchner  @the-modernmary @itsmytimetoodream @choppa-style @hotforhotchner11 @infinite-tides @isthatme-thatsme @g-l-pierce @bakugouswh0r3 @ssahotchie @sleepyreaderreads @rousethemouse @scuttling

#aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotchner x you #aaron hotchner x y/n #hotch x reader #hotch x you #hotch x y/n #aaron hotchner fic #aaron hotchner one shot #criminal minds fic #criminal minds one shot

[thestarrynightslover]

It’s Hard Sometimes

Pairing: Jay Halstead x Reader

Word count: 2,975

Warnings: Yelling, arguing (gets a little physical, really just a little bit!), high risk-pregnancy, slight mentions of fertility issues, mentions of anxiety and overthinking, and a lot of angst.

Summary: Jay and the reader are married, but start having a hard time after they found out that (y/n) is pregnant. 

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the One Chicago shows, or its characters, also not associated with it in any way or know anyone involved with it.

A/N: I made this piece of almost pure angst mostly because I feel like Jay is such a well-built character, who gives us a lot of space to talk about mental health and anxiety (even though I don’t think I developed it very well, lol), so I wanted to use this space to try and add to the conversation with him. Anyways, I hope it doesn’t suck too bad and, please, feel free to give me feedback, cause I’m also here to learn!!

(y/n) = (your name) (y/l/n) = (your last name) (y/n/n) = (your nickname)

| masterlist |

Your Saturday morning just couldn’t get any worse. 

Or, at least, that’s what you thought after having been mugged at the subway and then asked to go pick up your stuff at the 21st District, where your husband works. You had to go in because they had apprehended your bag as stolen property. But you were hoping that,  maybe, you’d be able to sort it all out without Jay seeing you. 

“(y/n), hi! Here to see Chuckles? Cause they’re all out working on a case now.” Trudy said with a small smile on her lips, while you just prayed she wouldn’t notice how relieved you were to hear that.

“No, uh, I’m actually here because there was an incident at the subway and the responding officers told me I had to come in to get my bag back. Also, sign something, I think…” You answered shrugging your shoulders to make it seem like nothing. But, of course, Trudy knew better, she always does.

“Oh my God! I heard about that, just didn’t know you were one of the victims! Are you okay? García, go get (y/n) a glass of water!!!” She quickly shouted at the young officer, not waiting long to turn back to face you with a concerned glare: “Can I get you anything else?”

“Oh, no, Trudy! You don’t need to worry about me! It wasn’t a big deal!” You said, also noticing that she was already going through some evidence bags, looking for the one that contained your things. “But there is one thing that I’d appreciate from you…” Hearing that, she didn’t even let you finish:

“Yes, of course! Anything, just name it!” At that, you shot her your brightest smile. Maybe Jay was right and the tough Sergeant Trudy Platt did have a soft spot for you. 

“Well, it’s just that… You know how Jay can get, so maybe you could not mention any of this to him? I just don’t want him worrying, the way I know he will, over something like this…” You would’ve continued but Trudy had the weirdest look on her face and, then, you got it. “He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?” She didn’t bother to answer as your husband turned you to face him and the other members of the Intelligence Unit.

“So, what is it you don’t want me to worry about, huh?” He had a playful smirk on his lips, but his eyes showed you he was already worried. And now you had no other option but to tell him what happened.

“Well, um, there was a little confusion at the subway today and the officers said I had to come in…” You would gladly stop at that, but you knew that Jay wasn’t gonna let it go until you told him everything, so you just went on: “To retrieve what I, um, lost.” God, you couldn’t even look in his eyes right now. 

“What you lost? What kind of confusion are you talking about exactly, babe?” In spite of the pet name, his voice was already showing off a bit of irritation.

“It was a, um, robbery,” at that his eyes almost jumped out of their orbits, so you quickly added, “but it wasn’t a big deal! Nobody got hurt! The officers tackled the guy pretty fast, as soon as he stepped out on the station! And everything is here,” you said raising the bag  Trudy handed you a few minutes earlier, “so, really, there’s nothing to worry about!” You told him, not being able to conceal the exasperation in your voice.

“Nothing to worry about? You just got mugged, (y/n)! We heard a call about that over the radio, it was an armed robbery! Or did you happen to miss the gun on your face when he was getting your bag, huh?” He asked and, even though you knew that the only reason why he was lashing out like that was the concern, the way he said what he said made you feel really small and brought tears to your eyes. “Actually, what I’d like to know, to begin with, is why were you even riding the subway alone, after our talk from the other day, huh?” You could feel the eyes from every person in that District on you and, as much as you knew where Jay was coming from, it was starting to really bother you.

“I was just going to the library. Sorry I didn’t think I needed an escort to do that!” You wish you wouldn’t have said it with those exact words, but you were reaching your limit.

“But we talked about it!” He snapped and you jumped back a little. Then he added, more calmly: “You should have called me.” He was pinching the bridge of his nose, like he always did when he was disappointed and upset about something, and you just felt yourself getting smaller and smaller, as the tears started falling. As if all of it hadn’t been enough, he asked: “Are you okay, though? Because, you know, given our circumstances, you’re to avoid going out on your own to prevent this kinda stress from hitting you, babe.” He explained that to you like he was talking to a child. Like he was the only one who heard what the doctor said. And that was it for you. As much as you loved the man, you just didn't have infinite patience towards his overprotective dad-to-be mode. 

“Oh, really? Why don’t you just go ahead and say ‘I told you so’, huh? Because I can tell you’re dying to do it!” God damn those pregnancy hormones because you were fuming with anger and the tears just kept going down at full force.

“Babe, that’s not what I-”

“The hell it isn’t!” Part of you really wanted to let it all out. All the hurtful words that were just waiting for a go-ahead at the tip of your tongue. But the other part of you, the rational one, knew that wasn’t gonna do any good for you or Jay. Or your baby. So you decided you’d leave instead. “You know what? It’s probably best if I go home now!”

“Okay, then, I’ll drive you.” You heard Jay saying, with a deep sigh, but you couldn’t even begin to think about an entire drive home with him at that moment.

“No way! I can do that by myself! And don’t worry I’ll get a cab this time!” As you headed towards the exit, you felt a strong grip on your wrist. You turned around and it was Jay. He’d never done that before. “Jay, you’re hurting me!” You breathed out, trying not to be too nervous. When your eyes met his, he let your arm go quickly, looking absolutely stunned by his own behavior. 

You knew that the healthiest thing to do right then would be to try and talk to him about it, but you couldn’t. At that point you needed the space more than ever, so you took the opportunity to just leave the District and go home.

After you stormed out crying, every cop in that building laid their eyes on Jay. To say they were completely shocked by the previous scene was an understatement. Almost everyone there knew you and Jay and how you two were great together. But, more importantly, they knew Jay Halstead wasn’t that kinda guy ⎯ or at least they thought so ⎯ and now they were all wondering.

Still, Trudy Platt, who wasn’t about to have any more of that drama at her District, ordered loudly for everyone to get back to their tasks, while shooting Jay a worried look, because, as much as she knew for a fact that he wasn’t that kinda guy, she cared a lot about you and had, obviously, witnessed the whole thing. 

After the little gathering of cops had been dissolved, it was Voight’s turn to speak up: “Alright, Intelligence, let’s get back upstairs, we still have a lot of work to do on this case. And, Jay, you should go home now.” He said with a stern look, despite his concern for the detective.

“But, sarge, I-” Jay started to protest, like Hank knew he would.

“I don’t wanna hear it, Halstead. I know your head is not gonna be on the case until you fix whatever that was, so, now, the best thing you can do is just calm down and go home.” This time Jay knew there was no point in arguing, so he accepted the defeat and went upstairs to get changed in the locker room before leaving. 

As he got there, he saw his reflection in the mirror and that was when it hit him. All of it. From your incident to your tears, to his aggressiveness. He really messed up. He let his fears get the best of him and he hurt you, he made you cry, fear him, even. So he started crying himself, like a little child whose favorite toy had just broken, like there was no tomorrow. By the time Voight went there to check up on Jay, maybe give him some advice, that’s what he saw: a grown man sitting on the floor crying his eyes out. So he did the one thing he could think about doing, to try and make that man he considered like a son feel better: he sat there by Jay’s side and put a hand over the detective’s shoulder until the crying sufficed. 

“So, you and (y/n) been on the odds lately?” Hank asked after a while.

“No, uh, not really.” Jay started whilst sniffling. “It’s just that this week we got some news that messed with our emotions a little, but, Hank, I swear I have no idea why I did that! I would never do anything to hurt her, you gotta believe me! Please?” He pleaded, in desperation, for someone who knew it, who knew him.

“Jay, Jay!” By then the sergeant had to shout to get the frantic young man’s attention back. “Jay, I know you wouldn’t hurt her, you hear me? I know. I know you love her more than you love yourself, hell, everyone here knows it! They were just… A little surprised to see you two arguing, that’s all.” Hank tried to make it sound a lot less bad than it actually was, and Jay appreciated that. “Now, why don’t you tell me what’s really going on between you and (y/n), huh? Maybe I can help you somehow… Or maybe you just need to vent.” Hearing that, Jay decided that he should take Voight’s suggestion and just talk about it already.

“Well, here’s the thing, sarge, (y/n/n) and I, we’ve been trying to get pregnant for a while now. And, um, we were having a bit of a hard time with it. But then last weekend we found out that it worked, she got pregnant, and we were so happy about it!” He almost smiled at the memory. “But then we went to the doctor to check it and all that, and found out that it’s a high-risk pregnancy, meaning she’s gotta take it real easy from now on, otherwise the baby’s life and her own would be in danger! And I’m terrified ever since we left that hospital! Because the simplest thing could take her away from me! My everything, sarge, she is my entire world and I can’t live without her.” He said shaking his head in a way that made even Hank Voight feel a bit of sadness. “So when she said she’d been robbed at gunpoint… I just lost it, you know? What if I’d lost them?”

“Ah, Jay…” Hank knew exactly what the detective was scared of, after all, he had already lost a wife and a son. “Look, I know this can be hard, trust me. Camille and I had our issues before Justin came, as well… But you said it yourself, you’re both happy, aren’t you?” Jay didn’t even need to think before answering that question.

“Yes, of course, sarge! But-”

“No buts! Look, Jay, I know what a big heart you have and I know how much you care, how- how intensely you care, I know, okay? But sometimes, with things like this, you just gotta keep going and hope- just hope that everything is gonna work out. So here’s what you’re gonna do: go home, make up with your wife and start planning a nursery, or whatever else you, parents-to-be, have on your to-do lists these days.” At that, Jay chuckled a little, feeling grateful to have this second father to set him on straight.

“I know you’re right, and I really appreciate you saying this to me… I’m pretty sure that (y/n/n) said something among those lines after we got back from the doctor’s appointment too. The problem is that sometimes it seems like I can’t control my own thoughts. Then, next thing I know, I’m freaking out…” Hank thought that he sounded so frustrated saying that… He really felt for the kid.

“Listen, Jay, you- you just try, okay? You just try your best. And talk to (y/n/n) about it, just let her know what’s going on in there.” He pointed to Jay’s head, as they had already stood up.

“Alright, I will try. Thank you, sarge. Thank you so much, I really needed this.” They half-hugged and the detective went home to you.

The thing he wasn’t prepared for, at all, was finding you: the woman he loved more than anything and anyone in the entire world, sitting on the floor, leaning your back against the bed in the bedroom you two shared, crying and shaking. You were scared of him. That broke him in a way he never thought possible. He wanted to hurt himself, as punishment for hurting you, but he knew it wouldn’t be fair to you. So he gathered some courage to speak through his shame instead. “B- babe?”

You shivered, but you didn’t wanna be afraid of him. That was Jay. Your Jay. The man you loved. The man who loved you. You knew he would never hurt you or your baby. But your body didn’t seem to be listening to your brain. Still, you wanted to say something. But you couldn’t. You wouldn’t know what to say, so you just stayed silent, trying to stop the sobs. He decided to make a move: He sat down on the floor like you, but still giving you some space. “I’m sorry,” he said softly, almost whispering, “I’m so, so, so sorry. You don’t need to say anything, or to forgive me, or do anything, really. I came here willing to talk to you. To do anything to get you back. But now I see just how much I hurt you, so I’ll give you all the space and time you want.” You still couldn’t seem to find your words. It was that same man, you knew it. Why couldn’t you just tell him that? “I’ll sleep in the spare bedroom, or even go to Will’s if it makes you more comfortable?” Just by the sound of his voice, you could tell he meant it. And that was your Jay.

“No,” you spoke so lowly, that you weren’t even sure he’d heard it, “I want you to stay.” And you really did. But you needed to understand, in order to be able to forgive him. “Just- just tell me what happened there? Why?” You tried, a little louder this time.

“Long story short? I was scared to death.” He said with a long and heavy sigh, looking so much older than he’d ever done before; at the same time, you could see the bags under his eyes, from all those sleepless nights he’d been having lately.

“Scared? Because of the robbery? Baby, you’re a cop! You’ve heard of that kind of thing a million times before, and you know it’s not that big of a deal!" You tried to reason with him, even though you were afraid too, at the time.

“I know!” He said, in a tone that made you flinch a little and, then, more calmly: “Look, I know. And I know that you’ve been through tougher stuff. And that you can handle yourself. But that whole thing could’ve gone badly for you, for the baby, for us, in a thousand different ways. Besides, it’s not just that. Ever since we left that exam room, on Monday, I’ve been scared, worried. Because, according to the doctor, the tiniest problem could get you on edge. Because of the tiniest problem, I could lose you. I could lose everything, babe!” You could only stare at him in shock, after hearing that. Of course, you understood his concerns, but you had been so absorbed in your own fears, that you never thought about how much the whole situation was affecting him. Your formerly brave soldier, now tough detective, was also a very anxious man ⎯ who always overthought every single detail of everything when it came to you ⎯ and was, now, crying his eyes out, sobbing like a little kid by your side. So you did the one thing you thought could make him feel better: you pulled him closer to you, letting him break, into your chest, as he listened to your soothing heartbeat.

“It’s alright, my love, it’s alright. Shhh, I’m right here and I’m safe. We both are. You don’t need to be afraid, because we’re not going anywhere, baby.” You promised him with tears already pricking through your eyes, as well. 

And, like that, you two stayed, crying in each other’s arms, just holding each other. With a renewed hope that everything was gonna be okay.

#jay halstead x reader #jay halstead fanfiction #jay halstead #fluff #fanfiction #jay halstead x y/n #jay halstead x you #one chicago fanfiction #chicago pd #one chicago #angst #anxiety #chicago pd one shot #chicago pd fanfiction #chicago pd fanfic #one chicago x reader #jay halstead angst #imagines #reader insert #hank voight #chicago pd imagine #jay halstead imagines #trudy platt

[lihikainanea]

for the first few weeks after the amnesia incident, i think tiger would be taking things a lot easier, but also be a little ball of anxiety. i also think she’d feel guilty, which she shouldn’t, because bill cared for her and basically nursed her back to health. i think it could have a similar outcome to the forest incident, where she gives him like 1000 blow jobs, which he just thought he missed her, but he picks up on it.

Ohhh I love this a whole lot babes. I’ll bet it’s kind of the first time he punishes her after the accident, isn’t it? let’s explore.

Real talk, the Dangerous Forest Excursion Part One and Part Two are vey dear to my heart, and probably still my favourite storylines in their world to this day. I love everything about those stories and how much they mean to Bill and tiger’s relationship, and I think it speaks volumes that those were the easiest ones for me to write--I literally came up with the concept and wrote out the entire first piece all during a long trek home from Thailand. Those two pieces mean a lot to me.

In any case, tiger’s mind is fully healed but her body still probably has a little ways to go--still some bad contusions, bones still broken. And maybe now that her mind is back she’s realizing the exact hell that Bill was put through too--and how much he actually took care of her. She expected nothing less from him, because this is just what Bill does, but at the same time...this was huge. What he went through, on account of her, was huge. And caring for her certainly wasn’t easy, ESPECIALLY when she couldn’t remember anything, and it’s all just hitting her very fast and very frequently how lucky she is to have him, how much he takes care of her, how truly incredible he is. She gets really emotional about it because Bill is just...god, he’s incredible. He’s just incredible. But along with emotional, I’ll bet she also starts to feel a really heavy weight of GUILT because god...he shouldn’t have to do this. He shouldn’t care this much. He shouldn’t take such excellent care of her. Tiger is going through the throes of it emotionally man, and she just feels like she owes him so much.

And Bill, to his complete oblivion, is just continuing to take excellent care of his Little Human and he’s just delighted that now she has her memory back. Bill is totally oblivious to the mental agony she’s in, over how good he is to her.

And I think you’re so right, I think it manifests in exactly that way. Tiger still isn’t physically up to par for a lot of things and she gets tired easily, so she’s not pitching in for housecleaning and she’s not cooking and she still can’t make it through a whole day without multiple naps. And the more Bill just quietly goes about his day, tidying up, cooking delicious meals, grocery shopping, tucking her in for naps, checking on her, giving her pain meds when needed--the more tiger is just kind of digging herself into this hole of guilt. And it manifests through sex, definitely--because it’s the one thing she can kind of do, to make him feel good. They still definitely have to be careful, Bill has to be gentle and can’t lean his weight on her sore ribs, they have to get a little imaginative with positions so she’s not in pain, but at least tiger feels like it’s the one thing she can do for him that makes him feel good.

So then she starts doing it a lot. Like, a lot.

And I’ll bet the first time she sank to her knees for him he just pulled her right back up gently.

“Are you insane kid?” he chastised gently, “No way.”

“But I want to,” she mumbled pitifully as he laid her out beneath him instead.

“You’re still too injured sweet girl,” he kisses down her neck and she sighs in pleasure, “No way you’re kneeling for me on a hard floor until you’re all healed up.”

But maybe...listen, tiger is crafty alright? She’s sneaky. And maybe after a few days she gets real fussy, real petulant on him and Bill has no choice but to let her have what she wants. But it’s on his terms, so he makes sure she’s in bed surrounded by soft pillow and blankets. He makes sure that there’s not too much pressure on her ribs as she lays on her stomach in front of him, makes sure her injured wrist is boosted on another pillow and out of danger. He makes sure she takes her time and doesn’t get frantic about it, warns her that if she starts to get too panicked about it he’ll make her stop. But tiger wants this, wants to be able to do this for him over and over again, so she’s real good and docile about it.

And maybe the next morning, to Bill’s surprise...she’s kind of pawing at him for it again. He doesn’t think much of it, truth be told tiger really did always enjoy doing this for him, and it’s been awhile. She’s not being frantic, so Bill just lies back and enjoys the mouth of his favourite hellion on him.

But then the next night, it’s the same thing.

And the next night.

And the next night.

Eventually maybe tiger kind of just stops wanting actual sex, stop wanting his touch, and only wants to do this for him and that’s probably his clue that this goes a little beyond just desire.

So I’ll bet the next time she starts to lie out between his legs he stops her, keeps her there like that, since he doesn’t want to make her kneel on the floor and this is a submissive enough position for her to know that he’s in charge.

“Tiger,” he says firmly, “Why are you doing this?”

Tiger’s a little taken aback, and she gets a bit defensive.

“Because I want to,” she says irritated, “I love giving you head.”

She reaches for his boxers but he lightly smacks her hand away.

“Tiger,” he says again, “Out with it.”

“There’s nothing to out,” she insists.

“I’ve got all night kid,” he threatens, “And you’re not getting anything until you start talking.”

The silence hangs heavy, and for a long while. But Bill is not backing down, because there’s more to this and he has a feeling he won’t like it.

It takes a long while, the both of them locked in a staring match, but then tiger looks away and presses a gentle kiss to his thigh.

“I owe you,” she whispers quietly. Bill furrows his brows.

“Why?”

“It was too much,” she mumbles, “Bill, everything you did for me--it was too much.”

“I love you tiger,” he murmurs, “And I took care of you when you needed it. You’d do the same for me.”

“It was too much,” she mumbles again, “I need to give it back.”

But like, now Bill is kind of angry. It’s one thing if she’s doing this for him because she needs it, because she genuinely wants to, but it’s a whole other game if she’s doing it as some weird way of repenting, of paying it back, and that’s the kind of shit that pisses him off.

“Tiger, all of this, are you doing this because you feel obligated to? Because you feel like it’s some way of paying your non-existent debts to me?”

She’s quiet. But her silence is all he needs as confirmation, and now he’s pretty angry. This is against the rules.

“Tiger look at me,” he snaps, and she begrudgingly does, “This is not part of it. This is never part of what we do. I don’t ever want you doing anything for me because you feel like you have to, because you convince yourself that for some reason, you owe me something. That makes me feel like shit kid, do you understand?”

She nods feebly, but it’s not enough.

“I don’t think you do,” he continues, cupping her face gently, “Tiger, you don’t owe me anything. I love you, and I took care of you when you needed it. That’s what we do. And you thinking that you need to pay it back, you feeling guilty and like you owe me something, makes me feel like a total dick.”

She bites her lip, averting her gaze downcast.

“You know this is against the rules tiger,” he warns, “You know this gets you punished.”

He’s kind of testing he waters, seeing how she’ll react. Because he’s absolutely NOT going to punish her if she can’t handle it mentally, and he’s obviously going to go easy enough so that he doesn’t actually hurt her more physically. And she’s responding okay, getting a little more submissive about it, and when he mentioned punishment she actually started to shuffle around, raise up on her knees with her hands in her lap, awaiting further instructions.

And Bill is trying to reign in his own anger, because the one thing he HATES is when tiger feels like she owes him something. But he also knows that a punishment is one of the only ways to knock that insane thought out of her head, and he needs to go through with it. He needs to keep it within the limits of  what she’s willing to handle, but punishment is the only way she’ll recognize that this line of thinking is wrong.

“Tiger I love taking care of you,” he emphasizes, “So do you understand why you putting strings attached to that would upset me?”

And he’s laying it on a little thick, making sure she knows that he’s upset, because tiger can’t find her way around her own mind right now, and the only thing louder than this guilt is the knowledge that he’s upset over something she did, and that what she did needs to stop so that she can be good for him again.

“Yes,” she mumbles sadly, “I’m sorry, Bill.”

He silent, and she paw at him a little more as some tears spring to her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” she says softly, “Please make it better? I-I can be good, I promise I can be good for you.”

“Come here sweet girl,” he says, “You get three for this. They’ll be more gentle, because you’re still too injured to go harder. But you’ll be forgiven, okay? Do you understand, kid?”

She nods, and he helps her into his lap. He doesn’t want her turned aorund--it’s much more intimate this way, with her boosted up on his lap, and he can make sure she’s not balancing any weight on her wrist or putting any pressure on her ribs. He can also cup her face gently this way, pull her to rest her forehead on his, as he pulls his hand back and lands it on her ass. It’s gentle considering what she can usually handle, but it still stings and after the first one she’s crying already. it’s just a vulnerability thing, her emotions are still all over the place, and she hates that she upset him but she also knows she needs this. He keeps her close, spanking her three times just like he said, and then he lets her crumple there against his chest--her face tucked into his neck, her hands clutching at him.

I’ll bet that he even reaches a hand down, strokes through her folds lightly, starts working her up to a release. It’s how she’ll know she’s really forgiven, how she’ll know that she’s good for him again, is if he works her up to the point of bliss and then lets her come for him.

Unf, thank you nani for this delicious thought.

#bill skarsgard #bill skarsgard drabble #BFF!Bill #sub tiger

[twinklelilstarkey]

hi i don’t know if you write about mental health problems or anything but if you do, please could you write a billy butcher x female reader where you’re his gf and it’s gotten really bad but he takes care of you ?? sorry i know it’s a bit much but i’m going through it tbh ://

A/N: You and me both, my love. Hope everything gets better for you.

I wrote this based mainly on anxiety since is the one I’m most acquainted with.

Words: 1.9k+

Summary: Billy gives you advice on your anxiety.

Warnings: Female!Reader. Mentions of anxiety. Mentions of stress over college work. Slight age gap is mentioned, but you can imagine it as big or as small as you want, literally, anyone can be a college student. College Student Problems!

You have been having an extreme hard time with college. Teachers like to believe that any student can easily work under extreme pressure, so they like to schedule all tests and essays in a space of a week and a half.

With all of that, it means that you need to study with many weeks in advance and hope that you won’t mix all the information in your head and get confused. As well as... Take as less breaks possible.

That may sound ridiculous to many, and you’re 100% sure that any doctor would yell at you if they had heard you say that, (since breaks are ALWAYS NEEDED), but you just can’t bring yourself to take breaks.

It’s both mentally and physically impossible. You already can’t sleep that well; you can’t eat that much or even focus on other things other than your notes and books (you had previously grabbed at the library).

Everyone that hangs out with you knows that you’re a very anxious person by nature, but they never saw you like this. And if they had to admit, it is quite scary.

Your boyfriend, Billy, who also lives with you, has been blind to it all. It’s not his fault. You try to hide it as much from him as possible. And he’s also out of the house for most of the day and only sees you when he comes back before dinner.

He has noticed your jumpy leg under the table, bloody bottom lip (from you biting it) and especially how less you eat. But like I said before, you’re an anxious person by nature.

Billy doesn’t see your daily mental breakdowns or hears you giving yourself a pep talk when in the shower, because he’s almost never present whenever something important happens between the boys.

But everything will change today.

And that is because today is a Friday that Billy decided to take off ‘work’ to stay home and relax, while you, on the other hand, will spend it with online classes and studying.

You lean back on your desk chair, finding it awfully uncomfortable after so many days sitting in that same position, and sigh loudly while looking at the PowerPoint that is being projected on the Zoom call.

Your webcam is on, yet your microphone is off, making your sounds of pure frustration be silent to others that could possibly see you.

The TV in the other room is on by what  you can hear over your headphones, and you’re pretty sure that Billy is sitting on the couch bingewatching a random ‘police drama’, as always.

He has made his appearance at least once on the background of your screen, which caught some people’s attention. But other than that, he has been leaving you in your corner to peacefully have your class.

You continue to take notes of what your teacher is saying silently as your mind runs miles an hour, always taking your attention somewhere else.

“You alright there?”

You turn your chair a bit to the side and look over your shoulder at the doorway behind you, looking at the owner of the deep voice and the British accent.

“Yeah” You say with a quick fake smile before turning back around to look at the screen.

“You sure?”

You nod, knowing that he can see your head (the chair’s back is not that tall).

“Alright,” He says before walking off to somewhere in your apartment.

(...)

Lunch went rather well. You ate as much as you could, which wasn’t a lot. But Billy’s cursing at the news were enough to keep your mind occupied for that short while. Other than that, your day has been like any other day of this week.

You’re officially done with your online classes for today, but unfortunately, you still need to study.

You have been reading your notes and small bits of the books the teachers told you to study with, for the past… what you believe, hour, but nothing seemed to make sense.

You’ve tried changing up a few words in the sentences, for simpler words, in hopes that your brain will soon catch the meaning as it sounds simpler... but nothing of the sort is happening.

Your eyes have filled with frustrated tears at least 10 times since you started, making the reading quite difficult. But as for right now, you are letting those tears roll down your face in complete defeat.

People do say that you shouldn’t hold back your tears, right? That it will always feel better once you stop?

Yeah, that is true. But they forgot to mention that it only lasts 10 minutes.

You sniffle while wiping the tears off your face, throwing the pencil down at the desk in pure frustration, before leaning back on the chair.

“Are you okay?” Billy asks from behind you, probably on his way to the bathroom.

“Yeah, yeah” you say while wiping your tears quickly, “My nose just started running for no reason”

A silence is set and for a few seconds you believe that he has walked away, but that was until you felt his warm hand rest over your shoulder.

“Runny nose that created tears?” He asks in a slight ironic tone.

You don’t answer him, yet his hand gives your shoulder a small squeeze.

“Get up, let’s go to the living room” He says in a whisper.

“I can’t” you say, not taking your eyes off your notebooks, “I need to keep studying”

“I’m sure you can take a break”

You sigh loudly, trying to rearrange your feelings before looking up at the older man.

“I need to keep studying” You repeat.

Your sad tone was way more noticeable to Billy this time, and he caught it right as you said the first word.

“How long has it been since you took a break?”

“I’ve been here since lunch”

Butcher’s eyes widen at your words and his mouth falls agape.

“It’s almost 5pm, what do you mean since lunch?”

You shrug as an answer before taking a quick look at your phone, checking if Butcher isn’t lying about the time, and he’s not.

His mind runs with thoughts about you probably feeling exhausted, while yours just run around the idea of another day almost being over and you haven’t even started to understand this new chapter.

You try to grab your pencil back from the table but Billy, in that same second, snatches it off your hand and puts it back down.

“Get up in your two little feet and walk your arse over to the couch”

You, surprisingly, do as told, once noticing his change of tone, as well as his change of facial expression. He looks slightly annoyed, but also, worried.

You walk off the bedroom, Billy right behind you, not even a meter away.

Once your body collides down into the soft surface of the couch, Butcher lets out a loud sigh, also taking his seat.

“Have you been doing this routine every day?” He asks, looking over at you.

“Yeah. I mean, kinda,” you answer, shrugging again, “it depends on what classes I’m having”

“Have you eaten anything since lunch?”

“No, I’m not hungry”

“How? You almost didn’t even eat anything today”

“I just feel nauseous every time I smell or see food, I can’t eat, Billy” you say, with a sadder expression taking over your face.

“And why do you not take breaks?”

“I don’t have time for breaks”

“Honey, 15 minutes wouldn’t hurt you” he says, making you look away, knowing that he won’t understand your side, “You know that”

“Yeah, I know that. But what are breaks when my mind just stays on that stupid piece of paper the whole time?” You ask, “I’ve tried everything to keep my mind occupied with something else, believe me! I just can’t relax until I got all of this sorted in my head”

“I get it, love” He says in a calmer tone, as if he was trying to calm you down with his voice, “But you know that if you’re non stop studying, at some point, your brain just wont grab anything that you’re reading, right?”

You stay silent.

“I’ve studied for college as well. No degree is easy, love, that’s for sure. I know how stressful it is, and how it feels when you don’t have your own stuff under control” His hand rests over yours, “But you don’t have to destroy your mental health because of it”

“What if it’s my mental health destroying itself and not me destroying it?”

“Well… You are sure helping it” He admits, “If your mind is worried about something from when you wake up to when you go to sleep, all you could do to relax is get a distraction, right?”

“Yeah, but I’ve tried everything”

“I’m sure you didn’t try everything, babes” He gives your hand a little squeeze, “There’s millions of options. Try not to read if you space-out too much, and try, I don’t know, watch one of those highly chaotic videos you like to watch. I’m sure those one’s will leave your mind more than occupied”

A small smile grows on your lips as you hear his words and you take a deep breath.

“And what do I do if I continue to not be able to understand anything?”

“I’m sure you understand something. You take notes like a mad woman when in class” he says with a joking tone.

“I’m serious”

“I know you are, princess. But this is not the first time you’ve felt this much pressure because of school, is it?” You shake your head, “And every time you lived past this type of shit, you were able to do every test and every essay right on time. And most of them with fucking amazing grades!” He says with a smile at the end.

There’s some silence between the two of you.

“I know it feels like it’s impossible to live through this right now, but believe me, there’s always someone in a worst situation than you, yet still is able to live their lives with smiles on their faces. If they can do it, I’m more than fucking sure you can do it 200 times better”

A silence is set between the two of you again, this time, a little longer than before.

“Why don’t you take the rest of the day off? I know it sounds impossible right now, but just try and focus on something else. Leave all of that for tomorrow”

As good as that sounds, you feel a little hesitant. Billy lifts his hand from yours and brings it over to your head, caressing it as you look down at the ground.

“I’m just scared that I won’t be able to pass these tests”

Butcher, with your words, leans forward and presses a kiss on the side of your head, over your hair.

“I would offer you my help if I could” He says making a sympathetic smile appear over your lips, “But I don’t even understand a word from what you write down”

A chuckle escapes your lips and you look back up at him.

“I can always ask Hughie for help” He offers.

“I would love that. Thank you.”

You wrap one of your arms around Billy’s torso and lean your head over his shoulder. Butcher responds quickly to your actions by wrapping his own arms around you, pulling you closer to him.

Billy leans his head to the side, laying it right on yours, and you snuggle closer to him once feeling his warmth envelop your colder body.

“Here” He says, before passing you the remote.

As soon as you start surfing through the channels, Billy remembers something.

“Start thinking about what you want for dinner” He says, “You’ll be eating a whole 3 course meal tonight, young lady”

- - - - - - 

Hope you liked this!!!

#billy butcher #billy butcher x reader #billy butcher x you #billy x reader #the boys #the boys imagine

[lovemesomesurveys]

Can you say you are fully happy right now? No. My mental health and my mood and everything has just been extra bad lately and I thought it was bad enough as it was. I haven’t felt truly happy in a very long time.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? No.

Is there someone who stopped talking to you for no reason? Yes.

Did you ever get called horrible names like (whore, skank, bitch)? Only jokingly with friends.

Where did you sleep last night? In my bed as usual.

Ever slow danced with anyone? No.

Ever cried in public? Yes, but only a few times. I don’t like crying in front of people.

Ever feel safe in someone's arms? Yes.

What would you do if you were pregnant? I can’t get pregnant, so.

Are you afraid of letting anyone in? Yes, very much so.

Do you like cuddling? I don’t have much cuddling experience to be honest.

Ever cry in school? No. 

Who is the last person to send you a message on facebook? My Nana. She sent me a photo of her Christmas tree she put up.

Do you look decent when you wake up? I don’t look decent ever.

Have you ever been given roses? No.

Had a long distance relationship? Nope.

Does it bother you when people never answer their cell phones? If I need to get ahold of my parents or brother for something and they don’t answer, yes. 

Do you care what happens in politics/your government? I mean, yes. It affects all of us so we should care at least somewhat.

Ever been called babe/baby? Yes.

Have you ever witnessed someone else engaging in a sexual act (not necessarily sex)? No.

Where did you get drunk last? It was at my hotel birthday party 7 years ago. I had an awful experience with alcohol and I decided I was over it. I haven’t drank since.

What’s your relationship with the last person you texted? He’s my brother.

If someone went through your pictures, would they find a dirty one? Nope.

Do you want to see anyone right now? No.

Have you ever fell asleep in someone’s arms? When I was a kid.

How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night? It really varies.

How many pillows are on your bed Twelve lmaooo. I only use two, though. I just love throw pillows.

When’s the last time you cried? A couple of days ago. It was one of those days where I was just on the verge of tears all day and literally anything could open up the floodgates.

Is it cute when a guy buys you flowers? Sure.

Will things change in the next month? I don’t see anything major happening.

How did you do on the last test you took? Pretty sure I did well.

Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t? Plenty of times. Are you afraid to grow up? I mean, I’m 31, and sometimes I still don’t feel like I’m grown up. <<< Saaaaame. But also yes.

Are you busy tomorrow? Nope.

How long have you had the shirt you’re wearing? A few years.

Do you give out second chances way too easily? Yes. I give out many chances.

Has anyone told you that you’re amazing? Eh, something like that. I’m most definitely not and I’m sure they realized that.

How many black shirts do you own? A lot.

Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now? Nope. I honestly can’t imagine myself in a relationship. I definitely don’t see it happening anytime soon at all.

How come you’re not going out with the person you like? There isn’t anyone I like in that way.

When you feel cold does eating warm food help you feel warm? Yeah.

Do you want to diet? I need to be on a high protein and caloric diet.

Are you a patient person? Nopeeee.

Are you unsure about your feelings for someone? No.

Who did you last hang out with? My family. It’s been a few years since I’ve hung out with anyone else.

Would you take $40,000 or a brand new car? $40,000, please. What song are you currently listening to? I’m not listening to any music right now. I’m listening to an ASMR video, as per usual.

Are you happy with your relationship? I’m fine with being single.

Who was the last person to smoke something other than a cigarette or weed in front of you? I’ve had friends in the past smoke a vape in front of me.

Does anything on your body hurt? Of course.

If the last person you kissed were calling you right now, would you answer? No. I would be shocked and curious, though. It’s been a few years since I’ve seen or talked to him. It would be so out of the blue.

In the run of a week, how many times do you straighten your hair? Zero.

Are you mad at someone right now? No.

Last thing someone gave you? My brother bought me food last night.

Who woke you up this morning? I haven’t gone to sleep, yet. 

Who is your favorite family member on your mom’s side? My mom.

What do you do in your spare time? I have nothing but spare time nowadays...it’s sad. Lol. <<< Last few years, but same.

Who was the last person you were under a blanket with? No one.

Where is the last person you kissed? I have no idea.

What was the last thing you ate? Ramen.

Which of your friends is the most likely to get pregnant right now? I don’t have any friends.

Do you remember the meanest thing the last person you kissed ever said to you? He didn’t ever say anything mean. He said things that were hurtful and upsetting, but not things directed at me in a mean way if that makes sense.

What does your last outgoing text say? “Whaaaat. Of course. :/”

Have you ever been called prince/ princess? Yes.

Waiting for something? I’m looking forward to giving my family their Christmas presents.

Have you kissed anyone when you’re single? Yes.

What are you doing this weekend? Same stuff I do everyday.

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette? It’s been 31 years, so I certainly could. <<< Same again. I have zero interest.

Have you ever kissed someone who was in a relationship? No. Where is your biological father right now? At work. Where is the biggest scar on your body? The vertical one down my entire back. How late did you stay up last night? I’m still up at 8:33AM... :X

Have you had your birthday this year yet? Yes, back in July. You had to kiss the last person you texted, would you? No, that’s my brother. What would you call your body type? Underweight. Are you a morning person? Kind of since I’m often still up early in the morning. I’m not if I’ve gone to bed and have to get up early, though. Have you ever been to Target? Countless times. Do you like iced coffee? I’m a hot coffee gal year round. It’s so much better. When is the next time you’ll be at work? I don’t have a job. Has anyone ever hacked your accounts before? Yes. Could you ever be friends with someone that broke your heart? I tried to be. It’s definitely not easy and ultimately didn’t work out. Ever made a prank phone call? My friends and I did that before in middle school. We were dumb. Does your mom vacuum early in the morning, when you’re sleeping? No. Have you ever been in a car accident? No, thankfully. Have you ever been in a fist fight with someone? Nope. Or any kind of physical fight. Have you ever seriously hurt anyone by mistake? Not physically. Have you ever had stitches? Several. Name a time when you had to be strong. Numerous times. Certainly not these past few years even though some might think that. I’m weak. Have you ever dealt with a divorce or parents fighting or any kind of abuse at home? No. Have you ever lost someone close to death? if so, how many? Three. Have you ever had any volunteer jobs? Yes. Have you gone through a lot emotionally growing up? Yes. Has a boy/girl ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend for you? No. And I wouldn’t want that. Do you want to see someone this very minute? Nope. Are you happy with the way things are going? Absolutely not. Are you a forgiving person? Yes. Maybe too forgiving at times. Do you have to check in with your parents before you go someplace? I didn’t have to as an adult, but I still did (I say did cause I never go anywhere anymore unless it’s with my family, but if I did I would). That’s just how my family and I are, we let each other know what’s going on. It’s not asking permission, it’s just letting each other know. Like my brother, who’s 21, will be like, “Hey, I’m hanging out with so and so tonight. We’ll probably just grab something to eat” or something like that. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? I don’t have any friends. Describe how you feel about your life in the past month using one word: Frustrated. Would you like to go back and change any part of your life? A few things would be nice. When will your next kiss be? I have no idea. Not anytime soon, I know that much. Last person you saw other than your family? My doctor. Will tomorrow be better than today? It’s still too early to say how today has been. Are you feeling guilty about anything right now? A lot of things. What’s going through your mind right now? I’m getting hungry. I’m tired. I have to call my doctor and reschedule my appointment. When’s the last time you had fast food? Last night. Do you believe that there’s good in everybody? Not everybody. Is it okay if you kiss people when you’re single? If they’re also single and consenting, sure. When was the last time you saw someone attractive? I see Alexander Skarsgard on my dash pretty often, ha. What was the first thing you did when you woke up? I haven’t gone to sleep, yet, remember?

Think back eight months ago, were you single? Yes. I’ve been single for several years. What do you carry with you at all times? I always take my phone and wallet. Depending on how long I’ll be gone I’ll take my medicine, too. Oh, and in today’s world I always have a mask and hand sanitizer.  Are you okay with the life you live? There’s a lot I wish were different. Do you have a Tattoo? Nope. What other piercings would you get other than the ones you already have? I don’t plan on getting any more. Did your last kiss take place on a bed? Nope. I think it was in his car. Have you ever been to Disney World? No, but I’ve been to Disneyland a few times. If so, how many times have you been? Does grammar and capitalization mean anything to you? Absolutely. I’m big on proper grammar. Are you good at wrapping gifts for others? I’m not the greatest, but I still enjoy doing it. Do you have a dirty clothes hamper in your room? Yes. Do you enjoy big holiday dinners? Yes. We haven’t had one in years, though. Is your vision good? With my glasses, yes. ha. Is your present hair color, natural? Part of it is. I’m sooo overdue for a dye job. It looks awful. What was the last thing you ordered online? Christmas presents. Have you ever worn color contacts? Nope. Or any contacts. The idea of putting them on and taking them off freaks me out. If you have a significant other, how long have you been together? I’m single. Where are your parents as of now? My mom asleep, my dad is at work. Do you follow a certain religion? Yes, I’m a Christian. Do you have any family members who live out of town? Yeah. Do you consider yourself short? I am. What room are you in? Mine. Do you listen to any country music? Yeah. Do you ever watch Lifetime? Very rarely. Would ever consider having children in the future? Nope. Have you ever lived on a farm? No. Do both of your parents have jobs? Yes. If you had the chance to move to a completely different state, would you? Ummm. Maybe. What is something you’ve always wanted a boy to do for you? Commit? What food are you craving right now? I’m already thinking about Wingstop for dinner lol. How old were you when you stopped believing in Santa? Like 7 or 8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? Numerous times. Do you have a friend you can tell stuff to and you’re sure they won’t tell? I have my family I can do that with. Would you ever get someone’s name tattooed on you? If I did it would be a loved one who passed. I don’t plan on ever getting any tattoos, though. I’m too big of a scardycat.   Does your family have family picnics? No. If your doctor said you were pregnant, what would you say? I’d say you have my chart mixed with someone else cause that’s impossible for a couple of reasons.

#personal #text #survey #surveys #long survey

[thesecondcircleofkel]

Lap Dance for Two

Shinsou x Reader x Kaminari 

2.7K

Summary: Another winner from the 300 Follower Event. The prompt was 'lap dance + dirty talk' and the summary was "If you don’t mind, I’d like to combine this prompt with another one to make a scenario where the reader gives Shinsou and Kaminari both a lap dance, dirty talk and spiciness ensues."

Notes: There was going to be more dancing, but the boys got impatient. Also, I’m sleepy, so sorry if the editing isn’t too great. 

Warnings: NSFW, some dirty dancing, some dirty talk, teasing, oral sex, vaginal penetration, deep throating

No matter how the media tried to paint it, no matter how glamorous a job they tried to make it seem, you knew that being a hero wasn’t easy in the slightest. Not only was it physically taxing, but it could also take an emotional and mental toll on those who were brave enough to call themselves heroes. It could also be a thankless job, even when heroes put every ounce of their being into protecting others, and you never wanted either of your lovers to forget how much their efforts were appreciated. To be precise, you wanted to remind them of how much you appreciated their work, so you decided to give them a reward of sorts.

After quite a bit of deliberation as to what you should do for them, the idea of a lap dance popped into your mind, and you went from there. You did plenty of research, combing through countless videos on the internet to get ideas on what to do, practicing moves in the mirror, and then picking out the perfect outfit to wear for your performance. You could never go wrong with lacy lingerie since both Denki and Hitoshi were big fans of the material on you, and you decided to cover that lingerie with nothing but an oversized sweatshirt that fell off your shoulder and barely covered your ass.

To get ready for your performance, you dragged two chairs into the living room, setting them across from each other so both men could have a view of your act. You also drug out a small sound system so there could be music to help set the mood, and just as you were putting the finishing touches on everything, the front door opened and your both of your heroic lovers walked in, looking mildly tired but in perfect health beyond that. You greeted them with a beaming smile, the confusion in their eyes only making that expression grow wider.

“Babe?”

Denki had been the one to break the silence as he started to take off his shoes and support gear, Hitoshi doing the same but staying silent as he tried to piece together what you were doing. Neither of them had looked away from you yet, their eyes trailing along the fully exposed expanse of your legs, then flitting up to your uncovered shoulder and the curve of your neck before finally reaching your face.

“I wanted to show you my appreciation for all the hard work you’ve been doing, so why don’t you boys take a seat so I can do that?”

The idea finally seemed to click in their heads, and they seemed to have no qualms with it as they made their ways to the chairs that you had set out, taking a seat across from one another as they continued to stare at you. Once they were both seated, you turned towards Denki, a sultry smirk overtaking your face as you strutted over to him, giving a little more emphasis to the sway of your hips for both his and Hitoshi’s sake.

“No touching unless I say so, alright Sparky?”

Denki’s eyes were alight with anticipation as he quickly nodded his head, and you slowly leaned down to give him a quick peck on the lips, letting him have a clear view down your sweatshirt in the process.

“Doesn’t that count as touching?”

“Take what you can get, Denki.”

You hit the ‘Play’ button on the remote in your hand, tossing it the side since it had served its purpose. The music that you picked for your dance wasn’t anything too fancy, just a slow, droning tune that had a catchy beat and was easy to dance to. After balancing your hands on Denki’s shoulders, you slowly began to sway your hips, making sure that you were bent over enough so your sweatshirt would ride up and give Hitoshi a clear view of your scantily-clad ass. The slow, simple movements were more than enough to entrance both of your lovers, especially Denki, whose eyes were very clearly following the movement of your hips even though you were staring right at his face.

You undoubtedly broke their focus, though, when you turned around and lowered yourself into Denki’s lap. One of your hands found its way to the back of his neck, gripping the hair at the base of his skull as you pushed off of him a bit and spread your legs apart, encasing his legs between your own. You could hear the breath hitch in his throat as you started to leisurely grind your hips, having lifted yourself enough that you only had the faintest of contact with him. You could only imagine how torn he was, wanting more but also enthralled by the way that you teased him.

When you looked up, you expected to see Hitoshi smirking at Denki’s predicament, but instead, his eyes were glued between your legs, where your sweatshirt did nothing to cover you. You had worn his favorite type of lace panties, and, based on how thickly he swallowed while looking at you, he must have appreciated that sentiment.

“That’s very naughty of you, Kitten.”

“I have no clue what you’re talking about, Hitoshi.”

“All of this teasing. If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were trying to punish us, not reward us.”

“Oh? And why do you say that? Do you want to see more of me?”

You emphasized your question by trailing your free hand up your thigh, slightly lifting your sweatshirt to give him a peak of the front of your panties and your tummy before continuing on to your breast. You lightly groped it through your shirt, and Denki gave a very obvious sigh of approval. A broad grin overtook your face as you quickly stood up and moved away from your blond lover, looking back to see the surprised yet disappointed look that crossed his face.

“This is your reward, so if you want to see more, then I guess I’ll give you more.”

Before any questions or protests could be made, you grabbed the bottom of your sweatshirt, slowly, tantalizingly lifting it up your body before you finally brought it over your head and threw it off to the side. Both of your lovers’ gazes were glued to you, their eyes raking over the lingerie that you had on under the forgotten piece of clothing. It left little to the imagination yet still kept the view that they truly wanted hidden away from them.

“Are you ready for your turn, Hitoshi?”

The man in question only hummed in reply, looking like he was deep in thought as you walked over to him. That just wouldn’t do at all; he was supposed to be focused on you, not thinking about something else and looking like he was a million miles away. If you had paid more attention, you may have noticed that his gaze was fixated behind you, and that he slightly nodded his head as you stood in front of him, but you didn’t see any of that, which was why you were so surprised when Hitoshi pulled you down onto his lap. You let out a gasp at the sudden movement, and the evidence of how much Hitoshi enjoyed your little show was firmly pressed against your core, easily palpable even through his clothing.

“If you wanted to be fucked so bad, Kitten, all you had to do was say so.”

Before you could begin to conjure up a reply, your bra was suddenly ripped away from your body, the clasp no match for Denki’s excited fingers. The blond pulled your head back, slamming his lips down on yours as Hitoshi attacked your breasts with a series of hot licks and eager kisses. It was difficult for you to even think about thwarting their advances when Denki’s tongue was ravaging your mouth and Hitoshi was enthusiastically sucking and nipping at one of your nipples, but all hopes of continuing with your strip tease truly went down the drain as Denki ran his hand down your body until he made it to your panties. He lightly tugged on them, pulling them taut enough to create a consistent pressure against your clit.

You involuntarily bucked your hips forward at the stimulation, causing Hitoshi to groan as you rubbed against his throbbing cock. You felt Denki’s hot body press against your back as he finally let go of your head, his breath fanning over your ear as he leaned in to whisper to you.

“Tell us what you want, baby girl.”

You were at a loss for words as he pulled your panties even tighter, and, based on the smirk that you felt on the side of your neck, you doubted that he actually expected you to answer him.

“Do you want us to fuck you, Kitten? Should we take our reward from you that way?”

You gasped as Denki sank his teeth into your neck, and that was obviously enough of an answer for both of them. You soon found yourself kneeling on the floor, facing Denki. He must have already stripped when you were focused on Hitoshi, his naked body on full display as he sank down to your level. Based on the rustling that you heard behind you, Hitoshi must have been following his lead on that matter.

“This was so thoughtful of you, baby girl. I need to work on being rewarded more often if this is how you do it.”

“Denki…”

“Shhh. Patience, baby. Don’t rush us through our own reward.”

A hard body was soon pressed against your back, Hitoshi now stripped, his stiff member laying hot and heavy against your lower back. His hands found their way to your breasts, their touch light and teasing, and his next words made your entire body tremble with anticipation and need.

“Well, Kitten? Are you going to let us use you to our hearts’ content?”

Denki had lowered himself until he was nearly on his belly, his face at level with your covered pussy. He flicked his tongue out, running it along your slit over your panties, feeling and tasting how soaked the lace was.

“Mm, you’re already so wet for us, baby.”

“Do you like it when we take control of you like this, Kitten? I can feel you shaking. Is that how badly you want my cock, Y/N? Are you that desperate for me to fuck that tight pussy of yours?”

You could only choke out a broken ‘yes’ as Denki continued to work his tongue over you, though at your assent, he pulled away from you a bit, and as Hitoshi positioned his cock between your legs, the blond pulled your panties to the side. Always eager to be helpful, Denki moved forward once more, this time laving his tongue over the swollen head of Hitoshi’s cock, getting a taste of the precum that had gathered there and causing Hitoshi to hiss from the sudden contact. Once he was done teasing Hitoshi, Denki gave you a playful wink as he gripped Hitoshi’s cock and guided it to your sopping entrance, immediately bringing his tongue to your clit as Hitoshi started to enter you. Hitoshi had no issues pushing into you, your soft velvet walls readily welcoming him as Denki sucked at your clit. Hitoshi only gave the blond a brief moment to indulge in your taste before he started to fuck you with short, jarring thrusts that had ragged cries tearing from your throat.

“This is Denki’s reward, too, isn’t it, Kitten? How about you let him fuck that pretty little mouth of yours?”

It was much more of an order rather than a suggestion since Hitoshi immediately pushed you forward once he finished his question, causing you to have to catch yourself with your hands against the floor. The action put you perfectly at level with Denki’s cock, and the blond cupped your jaw as he forced his thumb between your lips, letting you know exactly what he wanted. You happily complied with his wishes, opening your mouth for him and relaxing your throat, closing your lips around him as he slid his cock along your tongue.

Hitoshi tightly gripped your hips as Denki wrapped his hand underneath your jaw, their combined efforts keeping you in place as they both started to thrust into you. Hitoshi nearly pulled all of the way out of you before he slammed back into your quivering cunt, his pace brutal and deep as Denki thrusted into your mouth, his own pace fast as the tip of his cock occasionally brushed the back of your throat. As much as you resisted the urge to gag, you couldn’t prevent the spit that wasn’t covering Denki’s cock from finding its way out of your mouth, leaking from the corners and trickling over your bottom lip.

A few tears also slipped from your eyes, but they were definitely only an involuntary reflex due to the stimulation at the back of your throat. You absolutely loved the way your lovers were treating you, your toes curling as Hitoshi’s cock kept hitting a deliciously sensitive spot deep within you. You were glad that they were both holding you, because without their support, you undoubtedly wouldn’t have been able to hold yourself up, the pleasure coursing within you too great. Slick sounds filled the room, as did a cacophony of the most sinful sounding moans, both of your lovers getting lost in the warmth of your body and the pleasure that it provided.

You already felt so full, so close to the tight bundle of heat that was coiled in your belly finally bursting, but you needed something else before you reached that point. This was supposed to be their reward, anyways, and you wanted them to reap the benefits of that before you were too far lost in the throes of ecstasy to ensure that they did. You focused on breathing in every time that Denki pulled out of your mouth, and once the entirety of his cock had passed through your lips once more, you swallowed around him, causing the blond to choke out a moan as his hips stuttered in their movements. At the same time, you purposefully clenched your walls against Hitoshi’s cock, causing a curse to fall from his lips as he struggled to maintain his rhythm. You kept a rhythm of your own, swallowing around Denki and clenching around Hitoshi at the same time, only giving your lovers brief intervals of respite as you tried to bring them to the brink of orgasm along with you.

Denki was the first to lose himself in a haze of euphoria, the glazed over, almost pleading look in your eyes as you greedily sucked his cock proving too much for him. He quickly pulled out of your mouth right as his orgasm hit him, the hot strings of his cum landing on your collarbone and neck. He looked on with fascination as those strings started to trickle down your chest, their movement spurred on by the impact of Hitoshi’s relentless thrusts, and he let out a wistful sigh as they trailed over your breasts.

Hitoshi wasn’t far behind him, and as the burning pressure that had formed at the base of his spine finally got to the point that it was ready boil over, he pulled out of your velvet walls, immediately missing their welcoming embrace, but still carrying on with what he had in mind. Gripping himself, he brushed the head of his cock back and forth over your clit, working his hand along his shaft the entire time. That final touch was more than enough to send you over the edge, your arms collapsing under you as the overwhelming pleasure overtook your body. Your legs would have fallen too, had it not been for the arm that Hitoshi wrapped around your waist. As held you up with his forearm, his hand snuck between your legs, pulling your panties back in place before he reached his own orgasm, causing his seed to the paint the inside of the lace.

The three of you collapsed into messy pile on the floor, each of you breathless and drained after going through so many intense sensations. It was obvious that they had enjoyed their reward, given how wide their grins were as they basked in the afterglow of that prize. You hoped that it was a good reminder to them of how much you valued their efforts, although if it wasn’t, you certainly wouldn’t mind trying to get your message across again.  

#shinsou hitoshi #kaminari denki #bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bnha x reader #mha x reader #shinsou x reader x kaminari #kaminari x reader #shinsou x reader #bnha shinsou #bnha kaminari #scenario #imagine #reader insert #female reader #don't read in polite company

[hogbullpup]

Ruminations-life, love, relationships

For the past nine months I haven’t been pursuing a boyfriend or boyfriends until either 1, my mental health improves, 2, I can move on from being a part-time caregiver for my mom and let my brother take over, 3, I can find a better job/career, or all of the above, but I’ve been feeling so lonely lately that I’m wondering if I should just say “fuck it” and get back on both growlr and twitter. Still, I feel like I haven’t gotten out a lot of my own thoughts about my personal shortcomings in my last relationship and other concerns before pursuing another one, and this is as good a place as any as no one’s really here anymore, so long story incoming...

About 6 years ago, after coming out as a proud lover of large, hefty men I started exploring chub/gainer communities around in the area and after a while found a big fella who ended up becoming my best friend, whom I’ll call C. We bonded very quickly; after a while we were hanging out once a week consistently and I soon developed feelings for him.

Around the time C and I were hanging out and bonding, my dad was diagnosed with stage four bladder cancer and 3.5 years ago passed away. 6 or so months after that C asked if I wanted us to be more than just friends, but I put him off because I was in a bad mental state, partly from my dad's brutal battle with cancer and partly from my own insecurities. This hurt C far more than I knew at the time, and I still don’t forgive myself for causing him that much pain.

Early 2018

Some time later, March 2018, I told C I was being dumb and that I loved him deeply, and we started dating, but he told me that in that time he had discovered the pup community and found a sir/handler, S, who was moving to the area soon with his other 2 pups. I on the other hand in that time had been looking for community with the Seattle bears and chubs, however I felt their scene was kind of cliquey, financially discriminatory, and on occasion racist (despite how physically attractive I found a lot of them--this was really frustrating for someone who is only attracted to bigger, fluffier men).

So in the first couple months of C and my relationship I started exploring the pup scene/fetish online and in a couple of gatherings, and enjoyed a lot of what I saw, but it also left me with more questions than answers (turns out I'm far more switch than dom) and C certainly couldn't answer all of them given the fact that he was still a very new puppy. He specifically admitted that the details of our relationship became harder because I wanted to explore pup play, but at the same time wasn't at all sympathetic because I was partly exploring pup play just because he was into it, which he really didn't like (I also lied about this which still makes me feel sick, and danced around the issue instead of just being honest and saying "babe I just wanted to explore and be involved in the things you like"). This became even harder for me because C was being quickly welcomed into S's family, and got his collar soon after they moved to the area. I didn't want at all to intrude on their family because it would be psycho rude and I didn't even know any of them, but I was also deeply protective of C at the same time, and didn’t know how to handle my insecurities. I wish I had the emotional knowledge then that I do now. Starting to date C was a big change for me going from open-but-committed to my first poly relationship, so I was upset that I couldn't explore poly WITH C. It didn't seem fair.

Jealousy took over and I started telling C that I might want to pursue a family like S had, because if he was able to build a family exclusively of cute, chub pups than so could I. C cautioned me that S got very lucky compared to most, and that the likelihood of me being able to find a few gay partners all of the chubby variety and all of whom are compatible was very unlikely, and even if possible would take years (but, to my frustration, he would never give me a clear NO). While this sat heavy with me and I knew he was most likely right, it didn't help with my feelings of complete helplessness and isolation in my situation. I continued to ruminate. A big part of it that I fully regret and admit to is jealousy, and I had no idea before this whole situation that I was such a jealous person. But there was also massive anxiety--the feeling that there was nothing I could do, a feeling I don't handle that feeling very well, and I think it made my jealousy worse.

So instead of being patient, exploring pup play, enjoying the chub/chaser relationship I had with C, and just seeing how things went, I BADGERED C for some 7-8 weeks with impossible questions like...

"how would dom (me) and sub (him) pup interactions work given the fact he already has a handler?" 

or "how can we ever belong to a larger family unit together (this was a big one for me) if your family is full,"  (I wasn’t his handler’s type anyway. He likes big chubs like I do so deep down I knew this was putting pressure on C to expand our relationship without asking if that was ok first),

or "what if in my explorations I discover I want want to be a handler or just part of a larger family, and somehow want you to be a part of that with me together without stepping on your handler's toes? How will that be possible?" (I knew C was an introvert and probably wouldn’t really have the energy/time to put into another complex relationship like that with me).

I knew that these questions were impossible to answer but still I continued to harass him, even though C told me on multiple occasions I was stressing him out and needed to back off and handle my jealousy and insecurities ("jealousy is poison in poly relationships", he said, and wasn't wrong). And in Fall, after a heated argument, he requested we take a 1 month break, which I spent learning to meditate and mitigate my anxiety and insecurities, while also begging fate for us to be able to stay together. When we met back up, I made my case that I was working hard to overcome anxiety and jealousy, but he told me the damage had been done. I was crushed.

Late 2018

After we broke up I continued to pursue meditation, but to be completely honest it barely kept the anxiety at bay and eventually I just gave up. I lost sleep over losing C for some 5 months, unable to clear my head of all those unanswerable questions for at least 2 hours most nights before falling asleep. I had lost both my best friend and lover, and at the time he was still rooming with my gaming friends and it was awkward for me to hang out, so I just felt alone, which is, without doubt, my one driving fear and what I wanted to avoid at all possible costs.

I remember thinking over and over again that I wished I had never put C off in the first place and had admitted my feelings to him sooner, but at the same time wouldn't have wanted anything to change as far as him meeting S and family. I just wanted things to somehow work between us as I explored what it meant for me to be poly.

Nov-Feb

In the months following our breakup I fought to recover from these feelings of loneliness by STILL continuing to attending pup social events and even a mosh (though I didn't participate in the mosh). It was hard when I would see S and his three pups show up, and I had to fight off nagging bad thoughts every time it happened. Still, I met a couple of very nice chubby pups who I bonded with and became friends. Sadly, despite liking both of them, one couldn't afford to live in Seattle anymore and moved back to Wisconsin, and the other (whom I really liked but was too damaged from my breakup to pursue) got adopted by a couple of husbands and moved just outside of Milwaukee with them. It felt like the universe was picking on me for my fear of being left out or rejected. I was alone again.

Somehow I persisted and survived, but my memories of the few months after that are such a dull blur I'm not sure I was even alive at the time. C and I are good friends again and I have a core group of friends (including him) who I feel close to and game with about once every 2 weeks. I still love him a lot but he's not looking for anything and I need to moderate my attraction to him. Also, time I spend hanging out with him is time I'm not spending looking for a big partner to call my own so I feel weird sometimes when I play around with him and my feelings are so fucking strong. I would like to find a guy I have that connection with who also wants to live together. It's depressing how hard something that simple is to find.

Anyways this has gone on for far too long, but I needed to write down my ruminations somewhere and also double down on goals and reminders for future relationships so I don't make the same mistakes I did before:

-If I'm attracted to a guy as much as I was attracted to C, I need to remember and understand that there probably will be major consequences to putting them off, even if it's for my own comfort.

-If a guy asks me to give him space, legitimately do it, and don't be actively looking for the next opportunity to talk about difficult things.

-If I date a man and he has a master or another family, I need to be happy for him, and not try to follow in his path, unless that's something he would enjoy/welcome (C didn’t, and I didn’t want to accept that). But also emphasize that a family like that is what I’m looking for and ask him to be gentle/supportive with me while I pursue it.

-If I date a man with a master, I need to be patient, respectful, and willing to communicate with him at his pace. After a while I can hopefully ask if I can work to earn the handler/master’s trust to not have to ask permission to do most things with my partner. If that option isn’t available, then it’s probably not the relationship for me.

-Accept that large men who are happy being large and soft are few and far between, and finding one into me is going to take significantly longer than a typical gay relationship, and that if I'm not out there looking, the few opportunities that are there are going to come and go.

-Learn to balance being flexible with knowing my limits, and knowing when to put my foot down. I honestly should have been the first to cut my relationship off with C because he didn't want his partners to cross or for sexual experiences in one bedroom to be shared in the other's bedroom. And right away that should have been a huge warning sign for me because that's something that's very important to me in a poly relationship (though at the time I was very new to poly so that was the first time I discovered what I wanted). I think I partly held on to him so hard because, other than my emotional feelings for him (which built up over some 3+years), there just aren't that many 300+lb non-judgmental guys who are going to find me as attractive as I find them. Regardless, no matter how many boxes a guy ticks for me, if something bugs me that much then I need to not settle.

-Patience. Patience. Patience. I need to learn to relax. It's possible that everything between C and I would have worked out if I'd just been patient. Perhaps not, but I'll never know how much I can accomplish with patience unless I try.

Well, I guess it's time to get back on growlr, dig up my old twitter, and hope for the best.

#chubbychaser #humanpuppy #life is hard #gay relationship #ruminations

[ifihadneverpickedthepenup]

Down this road again...

Did I really forget how to swim?

Is the ice we skate on really this thin?

I thought maybe I would not go through this with him.

I thought all the love given would be enough to be forgiven.

So why do I live in this fear, in this cage?

Where do I find an outlet for my sadness and rage?

I am afraid.

And I am sorry, but to me, you have it made.

I know you’ll never see it this way.

So I’ll try to silence these thoughts day by day.

Where is the graciousness, gratitude, or simple recognition?

That in this life you can create a beautiful vision,

Which can easily come to fruition,

If you simply make the decision,

Find yourself internally driven,

And come to terms with all that you have been given.

Whether it wisdom, financial stability, health care, or just a real support system.

And I know that things were broken for you too.

I understand that I will never understand what you have been through.

But if you can’t wake up and see,

Your life is something so many envy.

Maybe you can’t be the one for me-

And before you chime in with you “if that’s how you feel I will let you be”-

It’s not because I want to be free,

But rather that you won’t fight for me.

It is that you will never understand how broken this life has made me.

People: friends, family, and lovers constantly betray me

Always praying someone is going to save me.

I’m experiencing mental and physical despair.

I know you probably barely care.

I can see it now, our conversation, your distant stare.

But it really isn’t fair.

You left me to rot,

I don’t care if you see or not.

I spend hours now daily staring at the clock.

When you don’t call I wonder if you forgot, didn’t care, or were too distracted by some other girl in there.

But I mustn’t say that, I wouldn’t dare. Why would I risk being called a jealous, crazy bitch?

Because I drive myself crazy.

Because I love you.

Because I care.

Oh and to find true love can be so rare.

And I know we could have it, I swear.

But not until you see past the pain in my heart that I so nonchalantly wear.

Babe, I beg you would just understand all the pain that I’ve felt,

And my desperate need to escape.

Or recognition that this might be my fate.

Maybe it’ll never get better than the first date.

But all you see is my inability to wait.

I’m just acknowledging the truth, that it may be too late.

Maybe I’m not meant to have a mate.

Maybe heaven filled up early and they had to close the gate.

My own flesh and blood was the first man to ever give me a drug.

He made me believe ecstasy was the same thing as a fathers love or a warm hug.

But he hid the badness, he swept the darkness under the rug.

But all those dark and evil prices crept up when I found myself in love.

When I try to find understanding my mind draws blanks.

I’m not trying to turn this into a competition, some kind of sick race.

I just want you to see where in the world I was placed.

It’s like the joint your friends pass you without warning you it was laced.

As soon as I could taste it was far too late,

Pushed towards hell and told it will all be well.

It’s my fate, something I have to face.

Forget that bullshit,

That’s all fake.

Life just didn’t want me to be great.

Doomed to be an addict,

Doomed to be a whore,

And absolutely nothing more.

I have no God to open windows,

Only the devil closing doors.

Knowing good and damn well I can not compete with most girls.

We live in different worlds.

You go to your parents as an escape,

For me it’s always a mistake.

Your family tells you to drive straight,

Mine would probably let me drive into a lake.

My father would definitely let me get date raped.

I know you think I’m exaggerating,

But moments ago we were smoking heroin together, let that sink in.

You don’t really know him.

There are some really dark things about him.

Things I hope will die with my generation.

Narcissism is the only word he wants to live in.

But he always wants to drag me down with him,

Knowing he has constantly failed his children.

Although it may be impossible to fully protect them,

Seems pretty basic moral integrity to look out for ones own kin.

If you think it’s just “tough love” that I was given, I would really like to share a portion,

Seriously I would have preferred my mom have an abortion.

Even that description can not begin to scratch the surface of the shitstorm that I live in.

And just like that my happiness was stolen.

I understand you’ll never know what it’s like to be a weed in the trash, while simultaneously being told your a flower with limitless potiental to grow.

Yet every bit of growth seems to stagnant, so slow.

I wish my past was like a map you could unroll.

I could take you where I’ve been, you could show me where to go.

But for now your advice is insulting because you’ve neglected to take the time to really get to know me.

Who am I? Do you have any clue?

What it is like to be anyone but you.

And don’t think for a second I haven’t tried to put myself in your shoes too.

I constantly try to understand because I do love you.

But I don’t think my whole past is even a story you could sit through.

I know just hearing some of my pain utterly disgust you.

Shit it does me too.

I use dark and sick humor to mask my mistakes.

Sometimes I believe my own bullshit and become a heartless bitch.

I turn off that switch.

But that should not invalidate my feelings you dick!

Great, now I sound like a prick.

Why can’t you just understand this shit?

Oh how I wish.

Don’t get me wrong, I get it, things had to be fixed.

But I am sick and tired of you saying it had to happen like this.

You left so quick that I could not pull myself together to get a goodbye kiss.

Now I do not know if I will ever get it.

You lied over and over,

Making me feel like I constantly had to look over my shoulder.

You stole from me repeatedly, so why should I believe you didn’t just use me?

You say I’m jealous?

What do you expect when our relationship is sexless?

You have often called me by the name of another bitch.

Do you even comprehend that shit?

You told me another woman’s sex was better than mine, but it’s “okay” because you were “out of your mind...”

But sure, “you’re in love with me”.

I’m not blind.

What you’re doing is not kind.

You probably are not in love with me and that is fine,

But do not let me do this time after time.

Trying so desperately to have you really love me.

Or make you want to be mine.

I’ve never been someone to be proud to have.

But for me, I want you to be my baby’s dad.

I want you to be my husband,

And I want you to be glad.

But again I know it’s something I will never have.

So I am sorry that I am sad.

Why am I so disgusting and broken?

Why is my pussy so scary to cum in?

You say you want a future, but you’ll never want my children.

Can you even picture a house that we are both happy to live in?

No really, think about that again.

This isn’t meant to be a sweet little hym.

This is the life I’ve created or been given.

I don’t know how to live in the system.

I’ll probably end up in another toxic relationship or abused by men since you think I’ll deserve it because I “hit” them.

Shit I’ll probably end up dead in the streets.

Hell maybe it’ll happen before you get out in the next couple of weeks.

So while I know I sit here and endlessly weap.

I shall consent to defeat.

Your family gave you an ultimatum.

Which ultimately made you choose them.

To me it’s sick we were put in a situation to make that decision.

And I get it, it’s cool, if I had your family I would probably choose them too.

And when you say “just don’t worry” or “don’t mind them,”

I wish you’d take a step back and look again.

Realize you will always choose them again and again.

To you, I am not family.

I’m barely even “your baby”

You’ve already shown your sister all of my crazy.

They already hate me (if they even waste the energy on me).

I’m trying so hard to explain don’t you see?

I don’t know how I will handle you going to leave me.

But I see for you it was pretty easy.

There wasn’t even a question of you staying with me.

The threat from your family was enough for you to leave oh so quickly.

And yet you do not even see that your family deceived you and me.

I wanted to be your family but now I see, that was extremely silly.

You probably won’t even spend another night with me.

So when I rant and bitch and try to explain my life it is simply because I never had it that nice.

You will probably find me dead before you ever understand what is going through my head every night before I go to bed.

My circle of support is so small and fake, I am not going to get better at all at this rate.

But yet when you ask if you should stop calling, I don’t know how to say yes, it would probably rip out my chest.

But if I had to guess, it won’t be long until no love is left.

The things she said honestly destroyed me and every time I read it, it makes me want to die,

I may as well be out of my mind, out of sight.

Just so she can be right and I can be the “bad guy”.

But I am realizing as I write this that it will all be okay, maybe even better this way.

I bet you don’t even know what to say, just like every time, everyday.

But your giant heart always makes my world fall apart.

Even at your darkest I see your spark.

Even with this time apart.

And you are so fucking smart.

The intelligence of 100 men, the strength of a lion.

A beautiful mane, looks that drive me insane.

The gentle grace, which will have me follow you any place.

You can do anything you set your mind to and I really hope that you’ll find the courage to take the time to.

You gave me some of the best memories of my life.

You are so sweet, too damn nice.

Though I know I will dream of you every night,

I recognize I am toxic and will respectfully remove myself from your life.

And maybe in moments when I’m high, I can hang on to your beautiful light and momentarily forget about my life.

I am sorry I held you back,

I am sorry I took your friends,

I am sorry I took your happiness,

I am sorry I made you loose yourself.

I really hope you hang onto your health.

I love you forever and you will always make my heart melt.

~ifihadneverpickedthepenup

#poetry #dark #breakup #poem #orginal #anonymous #poems on tumblr #love poem #dark poems #sad poems #drug poems #sad #life #art #poetic #poets on tumblr #sharepoetry #self expression

[sae-bae-ran]

could you do RFA+Trio with an MC that has always been pushed to excel in as many things as possible and thus is deathly afraid of failing or coming up short in any way? Similar to marcy from 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee! :o I hope this isn’t too complicated of an ask!!

I’m not familiar with Marcy or the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, but I think I have a pretty good idea of what you mean. ^^

Masterlist 📜 || Ko-fi ☕

RFA + Saeran and Vanderwood reacting to an MC who fears failure

Hyun Ryu // Zen

With a career that requires him to constantly put himself out there, he’s no stranger to failure. It’s got him doubting himself on more than one occasion.

But he also truly believes that failures are temporary. You might fail once, you might fail twice, maybe even ten times. The important thing is to get yourself back up and move on.

His past has also put a scar on his soul, one that has started to fade away, much unlike yours.

That’s why he’s so adamant about helping you deal with your trauma. That’s the way he thinks of it - trauma caused by someone’s unhealthy expectations of you at a time when you were supposed to be free and happy.

“Go kick their asses, babe! I know you can do it. And if you can’t? I got your back. I always have and I always will, babe. I promise.”

Yoosung

Once he realizes you two have gone through pretty much the same thing, he breaks down and starts crying.

Not just because he was reminded of how hard it was for him to go through high school, with the stress of studying, trying to please everyone else and secure a good future for himself, plus his fluctuating weight, no. He loves you so much that he secretly wishes you had a happy childhood and carefree teenage years.

“You know, honey? I know people were probably trying to look out for us, I really do. And I know I owe a lot to my parents. But I also know their expectations shaped a version of me that was only temporary.”

Despite everything, he truly believes that at its core, what your parents did and what his parents did was something that was supposed to help you both become better versions of yourselves.

“We’re all grown up now and we’re free to take action. So let’s make the best out of our freedom, together.”

Jaehee

As someone who’s had to take care of herself for most of her life, she knows what it’s like to fear that you’ll come short. It always comes at a cost, and more often than not it’s your mental health paying the price.

She acknowledges the fact that it will take time for you to come out of your shell and let loose, so she never forces aggressive methods of dealing with the problem on you.

Instead, her efforts remind you of gentle nudges, not strong enough to make you feel like you’re way out of your comfort zone, but persistent enough to make you notice that you’re pushing your limits.

When the going gets really tough, she’s always there for you with take-out, hot coffee, fluffy blankets, and her warmest hugs.

And truth be told, having someone like her who’s also testing her boundaries, be it with joining different martial art classes or opening her own cafe, you can’t help but feel hopeful that maybe things will work out for you as well.

Jumin

Even though you’re trying to hide your fear of failure, afraid that you might burden and disappoint him, he recognizes the signs early on.

You constantly worry about what other people will think of you. Their opinion holds more value to you than your own.

Despite being incredibly intelligent, and capable, he’s noticed you often put yourself down, belittling your hard-earned accomplishments and skills.

The worst of it all - you bottle things up in fear that your failure might cause him to leave you, that it will deem you unworthy of him.

It breaks his heart.

So naturally, he wants to help you, and what better way to do that than to show you how capable and smart you actually are.

Using his data gathering and analytical skills, he will prepare a paper on all your achievements so far with the last few pages being blank - for your future accomplishments.

“No one is immune to failure, love, but I do believe that together we can minimize the chance of it happening to 0.0000001%.”

707 // Luciel // Saeyoung

Seeing as he struggled with the same issue for the longest time, he’s all too familiar with the paralyzing fear of not having done enough.

He’s identified the root cause of his own fear - failing his brother, failing to stay out of his father’s reach, failing to keep his friends safe.

It’s caused him enough mental breakdowns and panic attacks to know he doesn’t want you to go through the same under any circumstances.

So he just… talks to you.

Encourages you to do things for yourself and not for the people who have such high expectations of you that they don’t realize they’re hurting you.

Helps you convey emotions you’ve been bottling up for years.

Together, you two learn how to live your own lives.

It’s a long process, but freedom has never tasted so good to Seven as in those shared moments with you when you do the things that make you happy.

Ray // Unknown // Saeran

It truly pains him to see you struggle with something he’s been struggling with as well.

He’s often compared himself to a weed. Persistent, eager to live, but bound to be a lesser version of the pretty flowers everyone loves. A failure.

But when he looks at you, he sees a pretty flower that can never in a million years be deemed a filthy weed. So why do you fear something that would never happen?

He’s come a long way since his days in Magenta, so instead of diving headfirst into the pool of unhealthy thoughts, he spends some time analyzing these contradictions and how best to deal with them.

“You made me believe I have a future ahead of myself, my angel. Good or bad, it’s whatever I make it, and with you by my side, I’m sure I can take whatever comes my way. So I’d like to ask a simple favor of you.”

“When you think about the future, please imagine yourself happy, love. Don’t imagine a future in which fear controls your life. Promise me this. And I’ll make a promise to you myself. I’ll be right here next to you as you make that happy future happen.”

Jihyun Kim // V

He was tired.

He was so tired of having to live the life of someone he wasn’t. He was so tired of doing things that didn’t showcase his true self.

It all changed when he met you.

You gave him the courage and strength to show the world who he is. Not V, but Jihyun Kim.

So when he notices the familiar signs of fear in you, he takes action immediately.

He covers the refrigerator with those small magnets with affirmative messages on them, hoping that they will help you see the brighter sight of things on mornings when he can’t be there for you physically.

Through his art, he shows you a side of yourself that you have so conveniently forgotten about - the brave, capable woman that is always ready to help those in need no matter what.

“There is no shame in experiencing failure, darling. It’s just another step toward finding who you truly are. If you allow me to, I’d like to help you embrace it.”

Vanderwood

“You know, bubbles, statistically speaking, failure is inevitable.”

Even though he doesn’t wanna hurt you, not at all, he wants to help you understand failure is an inevitable part of life, even if that means he’s the one that gives you the reality check he believes you need.

Despite this, he sometimes finds himself quite mad at the people who treated you in a way that caused you to develop a fear of failure.

If it was up to him, he wouldn’t let you talk to them more than once every few months, but he trusts you can handle them.

Instead, he focuses his energy and efforts on actually helping you deal with your fear before it turns into something that could possibly leave permanent scars on you.

“Steady progress is still progress, bubbles. If you ask me, it’s way better than impulsive action, because you’re actually in control of it.”

Heavily relies on actions to help you. Not a man of many words, after all.

Celebrates all your victories with your favorite dish.

“Don’t look at me like that! You deserve this, bubbles. “

#mystic messenger #mysme #saeran choi #saeyoung choi #jumin han #yoosung kim #jaehee kang #v #jihyun kim #zen #hyun ryu #vanderwood #mysme headcanons #707 #luciel choi #ray #unknown #Anonymous

[indefiniteimagines]

Not So Picture Perfect Part 2 || Kian Lawley Imagine (HIGHLY Requested)

PART 1 HERE

“I can’t believe this is happening! Are you ready for this?” Callie asked me.

“I have to be! It’s a little too late to turn back now, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, I guess. I’m just nervous for you. It took you so long to reach this decision and I want you to be more than 100% positive that this is what you want to do.”

“I’m positive. I love him and he loves me.”

“Yeah, but-” 

“He loves me,” I reassured her.

“Okay. Then love him and I’ll be right here with you through it all because I too love you.”

“Awe, Cal, I love you too.” We left the room we were in and I was met with a room full of family and friend. I looked straight ahead and saw my other half standing at the alter. His eyes sparkled like they always have and his smile made me weak in the knees. 

After what seemed like an eternity, I finally said, “I do.”

“I know pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”

We stared at each other for a moment and made the move.

*GASP*

 I launched straight up from my bed and tried to catch my breath. “Shit,” I said to myself as I wiped the sweat and sleep from my face. “Fuck. Why does this keep happening?” I look over at my clock to see it read 4:33 am. 

I feel a hand on the left side of my lower back and jump a little.

“Whoa, didn’t mean to scare you. You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just a dream.”

“You want to talk about it?”

I rest my head on my left shoulder and look over to my boyfriend, “No, Baby. It’s okay, just go back to sleep.” He kisses my arm and closes his eyes again. I lay my head back on my pillow and stare up at my ceiling, trying to figure out why this keeps happening. Then it hits me. 

It’s been one year today.

FLASHBACK

“Y/N, I love you.”

Those words made my decision so much easier.

I stared at the screen for what felt like hours, turns out it was only a minute. One minute. How can 60 seconds help me to decide what I want? The shitty part is, I still questioned what I wanted. I started to drift back off to my own thoughts when I got a call from Kian.

“Hello”

“Y/N! Please, talk to me. It’s seriously not what it looks like.”

“It looks like you have your hands on someone who isn’t me. Not only that, but you allowed pictures to be taken and now I look like a fucking idiot! THAT’S WHAT IT FUCKING LOOKS LIKE, KIAN!”

“Please. I know, I’m so sorry.” I could tell how hard he was trying to hold back his tears. “I love-”

“We’ll talk when you get back.” With that, I hung up the phone and blocked his number.

My head was going a mile a minute and I couldn’t hold back my emotions any longer. It was something about his voice that made the tears fall harder than they were before.

My phone rang again, it was Callie.

“What?”

“Hey. I know you’re hurting, but Thomas  is here and we need to know if you’re okay. And by ‘okay’ we mean ‘not self destructive’. Please say you’re okay.”

“Yeah, sure I’m fine,” I said with hostility.

“Y/N, we know you love him, but he just isn’t the one or maybe he is. And that’s okay! That’s the beauty of life.”

“Look Thomas, I know you’re trying to make me feel better, but I already said I’m okay. The last thing I need to hear is what you’re saying. Can I go now?”

“Yeah, we’ll talk to you later, okay? I’ll stop by tomorrow and we can just talk. We all care about you. We hope you know that.” I didn’t answer and just hung up.

I kept scrolling through my tagged posts until I finally fell asleep.

I was awoken from my spot on the couch when I heard the jingle of keys being inserted into the front door and my name being called out.

“Y/N?! Y/N! Are you here?” 

I felt my heart drop to my ass when I heard whose voice it was.

“Kian, why are you yelling? I’m right here.” He set his bags down with a slam and walked over to me. 

“Hi. I didn’t really know if you would still be here.” I didn’t reply as I looked him in his eyes. I could see he was wasn’t happy. 

“Baby-”

“Don’t.”

“I’m sorry. Y/N, I don’t know where to begin. I had this planned out in my head and now...”

“Tell me why. Why did you do it? Who is she?”

“I don’t know. We were all drinking and JC went off with her friend, so it was just me and Dom and that girl-”

“Megan.”

“What?”

“Her name is Megan.”

“Right, Megan.” This was the first time his eyes left mine.

“Did you have sex with her?”

“Y/N-”

“Kian! Did. You. Have. Sex. With. Her?” 

“Please don’t yell at me. I’m like, already having a heart attack.”

“You need to leave. Just get out.”

“No! I need you to talk to me.”

“What is there to talk about, Kian? The last 2 years of our relationship is fucking trash because of you. I did everything right and all I asked for in return was for you to respect me. You couldn’t do it.”

“It doesn’t have to be thrown away. Baby, you know I love you and you KNOW I respect every inch your being-”

“No you don’t because when I gave you my heart, my everything, you threw me a big ‘Fuck You’. We can never be what we were.”

“Y/n, please.” 

I couldn’t keep talking to him. I was either going to yell or cry and I couldn’t do that in front of him. Not right now. 

“I can’t talk to you right now, or ever again.” He put his head down and cried. He dried his eyes and stood up to leave. He kicked his suitcase down and looked at me with the saddest eyes. 

“I’m sorry. I love you and I need you to know that. I fucked up and I know that, but what I had with you is real. I feel it in every fiber of my soul. I love you with parts of my body that I didn’t even know I had.” When he said that, I couldn’t help but bawl. I couldn’t face him and he finally got the hint. 

He made his way closer to the door and all the memories flashed through my head. The pictures, the laughs, the cries, the fries and milkshakes that we shared. Everything.

“Wait!” I turn around and face him, he does the same with hope on his face. “I know you love me, Kian. I love you too, but I have to love me. If I stayed with you after this, I would be allowing myself to be in a tainted relationship and I’ll be damned if I let myself sink that low. You need to leave your key on the table. We’ll set up a schedule for you to move your stuff out when you find someone to let you stay with them.”

I watch his eyes and I know that he understands what I’m saying. He nods and takes the apartment key off his chain. I walk over to him and take his face in my hands.

“I don’t want you to destroy yourself over this. I can’t stand the thought of you hurting, no matter how much you hurt me. Promise me you’ll take care of yourself.” He leaned into my hand and kissed my palm.

“I promise.” He turned around and put his hand on the knob. “Tell me this isn’t forever. That you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me and grant me with a second chance.”

I walked over to him and gently placed my hand on his back, “I’ll see you later, Kian.” With that, he left.

For the first time in the past few days, I was alone, but I didn’t feel alone.

The next day, Thomas came over and sat and talked to me for hours like he said he would. It was weird to laugh again, but it felt good. Even though it wasn’t with Kian.

“When Carmen cheated on me last month, you and Callie nursed me back to health. I need you to know that it’s all going to be okay. Allow yourself to feel sad, mad, guilty that you ‘gave up’ on your relationship. You’re going to feel it all. It’s normal, but when you come out on the other side, you'll be a whole new person.”

“How did you come out on the other side so fast?”

“Who said I’ve made it yet?”

The next few weeks were filled with movie nights with my squad, alcohol and the realization that I will be okay and that it’s not my last chance at love. 

END OF FLASHBACK

I get up and call Callie.

“What the fuck do you want at almost 5 am?”

“Good morning, Sunshine.”

“WHAT?!”

“It’s been a year.”

“What?” It takes her a minute to realize. “Oh shit. Are you okay? Is he okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay. I had the dream again.”

“Are you trying to manifest something that I don’t know about?”

“NO! We’re still getting to know each other on a different level, I’m not ready for marriage.”

“I know you got hurt really bad, but he loves you. I’m actually kind of jealous seeing you two all close. I feel like a third wheel HAHA! Do you plan on talking about with him? Trudging up all that old shit?”

“You’re never a third wheel. I can never thank you, Thomas and Ricky and honestly everyone that as there for me. And for Kian too. He fucked up royally, but he’s still human. I might talk to him about it. It affects him too.”

“You’re welcome, babe. Listen, I’m all for talking to you in about 6 hours, but I need sleep. Hey, good luck with the talk. With all the shit you both endured last year, it’s still weird for me to say this, but you need each other.”

“I love you, Callie. Goodnight.”

I hang up the phone and climb back into bed. I lay there thinking how if last year never happened, I wouldn’t be where or who I am today. Physically, emotionally and mentally. 

I look over at him. He’s so beautiful. He’s different. Who knew that a year can change so many things. The maturity that was found still amazes me. Not just in me, but the journey he joined me on. I know better now and he knows me like never before. The love we have is like no other. He’s perfect. He’s everything. He’s Thomas. 

(AUTHORS NOTE:  I really hope you guys like this! I’m so sorry it took so long to post! I just wanted to say that have NOTHING against Megan! Kian and JC were both single when this happened. This story is COMPLETE FICTION!)

#kian lawley #kian lawley imagine #kian and jc #jc caylen #youtube #shawn mendes #Shawn Mendes Imagine #justin bieber #justin bieber imagine #one direction #5 seconds of summer #cameron dallas #cameron dallas imagine #Harry Styles #Jake Paul #logan paul #Team 10 #logang

[skonnaris]

Why Should You Make Lists When You’re Bored?

Well, there are multiple reasons…

1. Making Lists is a Great Way to Kill Time

When you find the right lists to make when you’re bored, you’d be surprised how fast time goes. You know the saying “time flies when you’re having fun“? That’s exactly what happens when you start making lists, too. (As long as your know the fun lists to make!)

2. Making Lists Boosts Creativity

Chances are good, when you start making lists in your journal, you will be struck with some ideas. I know that sitting down with a pen and some paper is one of the best ways to boost my creativity. Writing, in general, is a great way to boost creativity and mental clarity. Making lists is my favorite way to do so!

3. Making Lists Keeps You Organized

Not only are you getting organized when you sit down with your lists to make, but you are also subconsciously boosting your organizational mindset for the rest of the day. These lists don’t necessarily have to be to-do lists (although those are a great way to get organized). Just the act of list-making tends to get me in a productive and “go-getter” mindset.

4. Making Lists Can Boost Your Mood

Once you know the best lists to make when bored (aka the fun lists to make), they can be an incredible mood-booster. Making positive lists is a great way to improve your happiness and feel better.

Imagine you sit down to list all the things you are grateful for (cliche, I know… but it’s amazing!). After making that list, you will have all of those gratitude thoughts in your mind, making you feel happier and more positive for the rest of the day. Heck yes!

How Do I Know What Lists to Make When Bored?

Short answer: I’ll tell you.

Long answer: You don’t have to.

Yup, that’s right. Even though I’m going to offer you tons of fun lists to make when you’re bored, you really don’t even have to have a great idea to make a list.

You can sit down and list random things around your house (not sure why you’d want to… but, hey, you do you!). It is the simple act of making a list that is beneficial when you are bored.

3 Key Tips for Making Lists

1. Set up a good list-making environment

This is a place where you feel clear-headed and focused, yet imaginative. Ideally, this place includes some natural light, fresh air, and has minimal distractions.

2. Decide if you are a computer or pen-and-paper list-maker

Deciding if you go old-school pen and paper or type your lists is entirely a personal preference. I am a pen-and-paper gal. I love fun stationery accessories, colorful pens, and cute journals.

{RELATED POST: Planner Accessories You NEED to Plan Organized}

Others prefer typing their lists. This is totally up to you. Give both a shot and see what you like most!

3. Give yourself the freedom to make your lists your own

If you are going to have fun while making lists, you have got to loosen up and not hold yourself to any rules or regulations.

You want to make a long, detailed, and elaborate list? Perfect.

You want to only put one word for each item on your list? Great.

Heck, your list can consist of doodles and stick figures if you want!

If you’ve decided on some lists to make for fun, don’t ruin your fun with harsh rules! Limitations can stifle creativity. So drop them now!

Fun Lists to Make When You’re Bored

Goal Related Lists to Make

Goal-setting lists can be super fun lists to make when you’re bored because they allow you to DREAM! After these lists, I typically feel inspired to go on to set some actionable goals about the things I feel strongly towards!

1. List career goals.

2. List family goals.

3. List financial goals for the next year.

4. List health goals for the next month.

5. List health goals for the next year.

6. List self-discovery goals.

7. List mental health goals.

8. List past goals you’ve achieved that you are proud of.

9. List self-care goals for the next month.

10. List goals for your relationship.

Relationship Related Lists to Make

Evaluating the relationships you have and the people in your life is incredibly important! Relationship-related lists can be fun lists to make when bored because of the way it motivates you to reflect on the company in your life (and appreciate them too!).

11. List your childhood best friends.

12. List your favorite memories with your high school friends.

13. List your favorite things about your partner.

14. List your family members and your favorite traits of theirs.

15. List the ways you feel love. (What’s your love language?)

16. List your favorite childhood teachers in order.

17. List your childhood crushes. (A fun throwback, LOL!)

18. List ways you can make your partner feel special.

19. List ways you can make a stranger’s day.

20. List ways strangers have made your day.

21. List your exes. (This is a fun one… Hahaha!)

“Favorites” Lists to Make

“Favorites” lists are one of my favorite lists to make for fun when you are bored! They are great for reminding you about the little things in life to be grateful for!

22. List your favorite restaurants.

23. List your favorite breakfasts.

24. List your favorite lunches.

25. List your favorite dinners.

{RELATED POST: 180+ Dinner Ideas + FREE Printable}

26. List your favorite sweet treats.

27. List your favorite summer activities.

28. List your favorite winter activities.

29. List your favorite holiday traditions.

30: List your favorite songs.

31. List your favorite people. (& why?)

32. List your favorite hobbies.

33. List your favorite TV shows.

34. List your favorite movies. (Because who can pick just one?)

35. List your favorite fast-food meals.

36. List your favorite books.

37. List your favorite personality traits in a person.

38. List your favorite candle scents.

39. List your favorite feelings. (ie. sun on your skin, sand in your toes, etc.)

40. List your favorite drinks.

Productive Lists to Make

A little productivity never hurt nobody. Not only are these kinda fun lists to make when you’re bored, but they can also get you super organized and productive!

41. List of house chores for deep cleaning. (You could even make a full calendar chart for when you will clean them! Get on a schedule!)

42. List productive morning habits you could implement.

43. List ideas for keeping track of your schedule. (Planner, checklists, to-do lists, planner print-outs, etc.)

44. Make a weekly to-do list.

45. Make a monthly to-do list.

46. List family birthdays and gift ideas.

47. List side-hustles for some extra money.

48. Make a shopping list.

49. List ways you can save time everyday.

50. List gift ideas for anyone. (Can separate into categories too! Boys/girls, Christmas/Birthday, Family/Friend/Hostess, etc.)

51. List vacation packing essentials. (Even if you’re not going anywhere, this list will come in handy later!)

52. List dinner ideas for a meal plan.

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53. List things you can get rid of to declutter.

54. List out daily to-dos for your morning routine.

55. List out daily to-dos for your night routine.

56. List places in your house you need to organize.

57. List things you can do when you are bored. (Don’t forget to add making lists to the list!! )

58. Make a list of every birthday you don’t want to forget. (Might have to recruit Facebook for this one! )

59. List books you want to read.

60. List bad habits you want to quit.

Dream Related Lists to Make

Much like the goal-related lists to make, dream lists can be super fun lists to make when bored, too! Day-dreaming is something I think so many of us lose sight of as we grow older. Recapture that childhood dreaming magic with a dream list! (If you can dream it, you can do it!)

61. List your ideal vacation spots.

62. List your future children’s names.

63. List puppy breeds you would want.

64. List your dream celebrity to meet.

65. List your dream day of eating.

66. List the characteristics of your dream home.

67. List the daily routine habits of your dream life.

68. List 10 “dream” purchases.

69. List all the cities you want to visit.

70. List all the concerts you’d like to see.

Self Love Lists to Make

71. List your favorite personality traits of yourself.

72. List your own favorite physical traits of yourself.

73. List your roles in life (mom, sister, auntie, best friend, wife, boss babe, etc.)

74. List ways you can practice self-care.

75. List gifts you want to buy yourself in the future.

76. List reasons you are a good friend.

77. List all the things you are thankful for about your body.

78. List your accomplishments.

79. List reasons your proud to be who you are.

80. List 100 things you love about yourself (if this seems like too many… you are underestimating yourself!)

There you have 80 unique and fun lists to make when bored! More Posts I Think You’ll LOVE

How to Start a Productive Day

80 Self Discovery Journal Prompts

Productive Things to Do at Home When Bored

If list-making isn’t on your list (no pun intended) of things to do when bored, add it! Sitting down to make a list can actually be a lot of fun if you know the right lists to make when bored (aka the fun lists to make).

In this post, I gave you 80 ideas of lists to make for fun so you should be set in the list-idea department for a minute!

Happy Boredom-Crushing and List-Making!

[daringyounggrayson]

You said you wanted birdflash prompts, and I think that #58 on the angst-to-fluff ("Very Mature. Asshole.") fits them nicely

Hey, thanks so much for the request, I really enjoyed filling it! I had a cold and an ear infection when I started writing this, so enjoy some sick birdflash.

In Sickness and in Health (AO3)

Dick is calling it: he’s officially sick. And not “just a common cold” sick, but “stay home and move as little as possible” sick. He can’t remember the last time he could really think clearly and his throat feels like sandpaper from all the coughing. He’s achy, has the chills, and feels nauseous. He needs meds—obviously—but he hasn’t been in Bludhaven very long and he hadn’t thought to buy decongestions for his new place. He also doesn’t think he can physically leave his blanket cocoon.

Luckily, his boyfriend is a speedster; he’ll be able to get meds faster than anyone and has no problem helping Dick out in his time of need. So he texts him with his needs for drugs and company and Wally is there before Dick can even completely (unintentionally) doze off.

“Hey, Babe,” Wally greets, kissing his forehead almost as soon as he walks in the door. “Woah, you’re really warm.”

“Hmm,” Dick hums, leaning into the palm on his forehead that has replaced Wally’s lips.

“How long have you been sick?” Wally asks, pulling away from Dick to shuffle through the plastic bag.

“No clue,” Dick replies. And really, he can’t remember.

The shuffling stops and Dick can feel Wally staring at him.

“What?”

Wally’s stare intensifies. “You can’t remember?”

“I’m tired,” Dick wines, toppling over onto his side. He opens one eye to find Wally still looking at him, so he thinks for a second and explains, “I thought I had a cold—um, maybe a week or two ago—but it was no big deal. Guess it came back with a vengeance.”

The shuffling starts again and this time Wally pulls out some small boxes.

“Did you bring presents?” Dick asks cheekily, sitting back up again to lean against Wally.

“Well, if Mucinex and cough drops count, then yes,” Wally says, smiling.

“Those are the best kinds of presents,” Dick jokes, taking the goods from Wally and gets to work on popping the Mucinex from its packaging.

“I’ll get you some water.” Wally pats Dick’s arm, then heads for the kitchen.

Dick opens the box without a problem, but he can’t seem to get the tablets out of the foil. He can’t rip the supposedly pre-scored rectangle to peel of the top foil. His arms feel weak and his hands are shaky. And now he’s frustrated and doesn’t want to deal with it.

“Wally,” Dick calls, suddenly very aware of how different his voice sounds due to his illness. “Come back.”

“One sec,” Wally calls. And, literally, one second later, Wally’s back, glass of water in hand. “Here.”

Dick takes the glass, trading it for the tray of Mucinex. “I can’t open it,” he explains.

Wally gives him this sad look, but he doesn’t hesitate to take it. “I don’t know why they make this packaging so difficult to open.” Wally hands the now freed pill to Dick, who immediately swallows it. “I mean, they designed it knowing tired, sick people would be using it.”

Dicks shrugs as he sips his water. He sets the still mostly-full glass on the side table as Wally takes a spot on the couch next to him.

“Wanna watch something?” Wally suggests as Dick unwraps a lemon-flavored cough drop and pops it into his mouth.

“Sure,” Dick says, then sucks on the cough drop and curls up next to Wally.

Wally pulls up Dick’s Netflix account and plays the last thing Dick was in the middle of watching. It turns out he had been watching another nature doc, but Dick has no memory of watching the first half. He wonders how feverish he actually is.

At some point, Dick’s head winds up in Wally’s lap. Wally’s hand is playing with Dick’s hair, and Dick has Wally’s other hand draped across his stomach. It’s comfortable, and Dick kind of likes this domestic moment, even if he had to be sick to get it. It’s hard being in a long-distance relationship sometimes, even if your boyfriend has super speed and you see each other regularly. But there’s nothing to be done about it. Dick won’t leave Bludhaven and Wally won’t leave college. Neither asks the other to do so, of course; it’s just an unspoken rule.

They finish the documentary, Wally pausing it when Dick’s coughing fits get too intense to hear the narration. Wally puts something else on once it finishes, but Dick keeps falling in and out of sleep too often to really follow the plotline. When he wakes up next, the TV’s off and he’s still on Wally’s lap, although he’s clinging a little tighter and there’s an extra blanket on top of him. He feels miserable and not quite himself, but he’s also glad that he’s not alone right now.

“You’re probably contagious,” Wally muses, seemingly out of nowhere.

“What? Afraid you’ll get sick?” Dick asks, a ghost of a smile on his lips. “The great Kid Flash can’t handle a cold?”

“My metabolism is too fast for me to actually get sick. I’d have symptoms for like an hour—tops,” Wally reminds him (reassures him that he isn’t putting Wally at risk of illness and as a result doesn’t need to feel guilty about asking Wally to come over). “But I’m glad the idea of you making me sick amuses you.”

“You’re so whiny.” Dick waves him off. “Why even bring it up?”

“I was just thinking you probably shouldn’t be around normal people until you’re over this,” Wally tells him. “If this bug has you feeling this terrible, it’s probably worse than your run-of-the-mill cold; not really the thing you want to push through and risk getting other people sick.”

Dick nods passively. “Yeah. I mean, I wasn’t really planning on it anyway.”

There’s a pause. And Dick knows that he doesn’t really have a reputation for consistently taking care of himself when he needs to, but Wally doesn’t have to be that shocked that Dick’s planning on taking a few sick days.

“Want me to stay here with you tonight?” Wally asks, and Dick nods, grateful he doesn’t have to ask. “Okay. It’s getting kind of late, should we order dinner or something?”

“You can order something,” Dick tells him, “but I’m not hungry.”

“Have you eaten at all today?” Wally asks.

Dick shrugs. “Yeah, a little.” The “I think” goes unsaid, but somehow Wally still picks up on it.

Wally sighs. “You should eat something. It’ll make you feel better, or at least keep your energy up.”

“Nauseous.”

“Then eat crackers or toast or whatever.”

Dick just pulls his blanket tighter around himself, his stomach protesting the mere idea. But Wally does have a point …

“Fine, I’ll have toast. But you should still order food for yourself,” Dick says.

“Later,” Wally tells him. “Plain toast or do you want something on it?”

“Plain.”

Wally goes to Dick’s small apartment kitchen, returning with Dick’s toast and a sandwich for himself a few minutes later.

Dick takes the plate Wally holds out to him. “Thanks.”

“No problem,” Wally hums back. Wally sits down next to him again and starts on his whole, uncut sandwich while Dick picks up one of the pieces of toast. There are two pieces of toast in total, each cut in a diagonal. He nibbles at it and manages to swallow a few bites, but mostly he just stares at it.

Wally notices.

“You have to actually eat it for it to have any effect,” Wally tells him, sandwich already finished.

Dick is going to reply with something sarcastic about placebo effect and mindsets, but then he feels his stomach lurch. His hand goes to cover his mouth as he moves off of the couch and practically runs towards the bathroom.

He lifts the toilet lid and vomits into it, stomach convulsing so fast that he can’t get a breath in. Wally’s right behind him, rubbing his back up and down until Dick finishes.

Dick pants as he catches his breath. “Told you I was nauseous.”

“Thanks for trying,” Wally mumbles. “Mouthwash?”

“Please.”

Wally leaves to let Dick clean up in private, which was originally just going to be washing his face but turned into an entire shower. Part of it is to wash off some of the sick feeling covering his body—maybe help ease the aches in his body, too—but mostly for the steam. He won’t mention it to Wally (because it’s not that bad and he would just worry), but his chest hurts and even with the meds, he feels like his breathing is on the verge of a wheeze. He’s in there longer than he intended, but it felt good, and the steam did actually help.

Now he smells like soap and he’s in new sweats and a loose, long-sleeved shirt. Wally’s waiting for him on the couch, and the plate of toast is long gone. He curls up against Wally, half on top of him by the time he finds a comfortable spot. Wally says something about it, but Dick finds himself passing out before he can really figure out what had been said.

oOo

Wally wakes up not knowing he had fallen asleep. He’s surprised when he realizes what happened, groaning when he realizes he and Dick are still on the couch. Dick should really be in a bed. He probably needs another dose of meds, too.

There’s some noise that Wally can’t quite place, though, and it’s taken top priority on his mental list. He finally figures out that it’s coming from Dick, and that’s when he realizes what it is. Shit.

“You’re wheezing,” Wally says out loud, lifting both of them into a more upright position.

“Whu—” Dick’s confused voice breaks into a cough. He pushes himself up more and scoots off of Wally to try to break the cough, but it doesn’t seem to be helping. Wally rubs his back until it stops, and when it does, Dick is out of breath and wheezier than before.

“Gross,” Dick says, starting at the crook of his elbow where his sleeve had caught the mucus he coughed up.

“You good now?” Wally asks. Dick nods, and the wheezing is going down, so that’s good.

Dick rubs his chest. “I think I’m wheezing.”

“Yeah,” Wally agrees. “Do you have a humidifier or something?”

Dick shakes his head.

“I could go buy one?”

“No; don’t go,” Dick begs, slumping down against Wally again.

“It would only take a few minutes,” Wally tries to convince, but he doesn’t push that hard because he honestly doesn’t want to leave Dick alone either. He holds him a little tighter. “Do you want something to drink?”

“Tired.”

“Alright, c’mon,” Wally says, lifting Dick up with him. “Drugs, and then into an actual bed.”

oOo

Dick gets worse, so bad that they’re both up at four in the morning. Dick has coughed so hard that he burst a blood vessel in his throat, and he coughs up blood-streaked, yellow mucus for a good three minutes. Wally pulls Dick into the bathroom, turning the shower as hot as it will go so he can breathe in the steam, hoping it will help the coughing. He can’t tell if it does, but at least it’s something.

They try to get some more sleep after that, but it doesn’t really take so they just sit in bed together. They doze on and off for a few hours, but they never really sleep. Dick’s too uncomfortable and Wally’s too anxious.

After Dick finishes his latest coughing fit, Wally asks, “Do you want me to take you to Urgent Care when it opens?”

Dick nods, one hand pressing over the bridge of his nose. “I don’t think this is a cold.”

Wally pulls out his phone to check the hours. “They open at eight. Just one more hour, Babe, and then we can get you some medicine.”

Dick nods again, coughs some more, and then slumps against Wally.

Just one more hour. They can make it one more hour.

oOo

They’re the first ones at the urgent care, and Wally is almost embarrassed that he didn’t take Dick to the ER hours ago. He’s short of breath now, and Wally doesn’t think he’s going to catch that breath at this point. But Dick had said it wasn’t an emergency and that, while his chest hurt and breathing wasn’t easy, he was still breathing fine. Wally agreed, but still felt that twinge of guilt as he pulled his wheezing boyfriend into the Urgent Care the second the doors were unlocked.

They’re taken back almost immediately, and the entire appointment only takes about twenty minutes. By the end of it, the blood-streaked mucus was confirmed as just a broken blood vessel in Dick’s throat (no big deal), the yellow color of the mucus was a sign of a bacterial infection, and Dick’s symptoms and wheezing turned out to be from acute bacterial bronchitis.

Which means Dick gets antibiotics and an inhaler.

So Wally drags Dick with him to the closest pharmacy—which turns out to be inside of a grocery store—and they wait for the prescription to be filled. The pharmacist tells them it will be another ten minutes, so they decide to go look for junk food to pass the time. Particular, frozen junk food.

Dick is pushing (read: leaning heavily on) the cart while Wally suggests a variety of treats. He doesn’t seem to have much of an appetite and just shrugs or shakes his head at Wally’s offerings. Luckily, Wally does have an appetite and manages to fill their cart with enough food to last both of them a good week.

Wally can’t wait to get Dick back home and in bed. Seeing how exhausted this trip is making him is making Wally feel a little guilty for not dropping him at home first or using the drive-thru pharmacracy, but he didn’t want to make Dick wait any longer for the medicine than he had to. And they did need to restock their supplies because there is no way Wally is going to let Dick starve to death or go another night (hour, really) without a humidifier.  

Wally keeps looking over and asking how Dick’s holding up, saying that they’re almost done. Between the wheezing and the raw throat from coughing, Dick hasn’t been very verbal this morning, but he does offer reassuring smiles to Wally. (Although, he also rests his forehead down on the cart’s handle when he doesn’t think Wally is looking—and that really helps Wally’s conscience.)

They finish up with the groceries and head back to the pharmacy area. Dick goes up alone and returns with his antibiotic and inhaler. As they make their way back towards the checkout, Wally picks up the bag to inspect the inhaler.

“You know, I think this inhaler is the last item you need to get your official nerd card,” Wally teases, walking right into the cart that a certain Dick decided to stop upon hearing the comment. “Very mature,” Wally says, rolling his eyes. Dick smirks, so Wally flicks his ear before smiling back and adding, “Asshole.”

“I think sick nerds get to be assholes,” Dick decides.

“Fair,” Wally agrees, leaning over to kiss Dick. It’s good to see Dick smile at his lame banter, especially after the morning they’ve had.

Dick kisses him back and starts pushing the cart towards the self-checkout again. “And for the record, just in case you get sick, sick geeks don’t get to be assholes.”

“I won’t get sick,” Wally says automatically. Then, after fully registering what Dick had said, “Hey, wait a minute!”

#dick grayson #wally west #birdflash #nightwing #kid flash #young justice #batman #elizabeth writes