#you wont get ptsd from your friends abuse

[sunnygrey99]

Honey, Smoke, Lemon, and Oak Pt 3

~Trigger Warning: Typical TLOU warnings. Self Harm, suicidal tendencies, severe mental illness, PTSD, gore, psychological torture, slight implications of previous abuse/SA (minors DNI) If any other Triggers apply please let me know.~

Story Warnings: Angst, Fluff, Violence, Murder, Death, Smut

A/N: This is a rough chapter. I'm trying to be as accurate to an unpredictable mental illness as I can be. As someone who suffers from severe mental illness I do not take it lightly. Please if you are suffering or need help Tumblr offers resources that can really help.

Wordcount: 2,546

Summary: Plus size!Reader is a Beekeeper and Medical Scientist living in Jackson. A simple meeting of a new friend slowly becomes so much more. Reader is immune. Reader is given a nickname. (This fic will have very dark tones though out. This deals with the unfortunate reality that men do disgusting things to women regardless of the world having ended. All chapters will include warnings and tag warnings. Please take care in reading.)

Its been a couple weeks since Ellie started school. You missed her during the mornings but she never failed to show up after school even just to do her homework next to you as you worked. Joel of course still working in the barn and every once in awhile coming back up to where ever you and Ellie were to take breaks and check up on you both. It was nice seeing them but after they leave each night you could feel the anxiety and hurt edging back into you.

You haven’t slept in the last three nights and its starting to show. Today as soon as you open the door and greet Joel he is looking at you with a deep set concern.

“You doin’ alright today Miss Bunny?” His hand stretches out just about to touch you in case you need support.

You pull back fast and stumble slightly into the door frame, “I’m just fine, thank you.” You pull your arms across your chest and seem to shrink in on yourself. “You can take the day off if you want. I was going to spend today in the barn.”

Joel seems to take the information in and mulls it over for a moment. His concern still intensely written across his features. “I don’t think thats a very good idea-”

You interrupt him quickly, “I don’t need you telling me what I can and can’t do Mr.Miller. It is my job to make that medication. The town needs it.”

Joel’s features go from concern to confusion to anger in the blink of an eye. “I’m just tryin’ to look out for you. You look like you ain’t slept in a week and now you’re snappin’ at me.”

“I don’t need you to look out for me I said I’m fine. Leave.” With those words you slam the door and start pacing your home. You know its wrong the second the words leave your mouth. Its been months since you felt like this. The last time it happened it took weeks for you to come back from it. Maria found you and helped bring you back last time but at the cost of permanent damage to your friendship. You know she’ll never fully trust you again after that. You can’t let it happen to anyone else.

The next thirty minutes are spent by you locking and boarding up every window and door in the house. If no one can come in while you are like this then they wont get hurt.

~~~

Joel is dumbfounded and stands on your porch for five minutes trying to understand what just happened. He devolves into anger and annoyance and stalks off to find some other work to keep him busy for the day.

Another week passes and Joel finds himself at Maria and Tommy’s place helping them get ready for the new baby. Shes due in just a couple months and both Tommy and Maria are in a tizzy trying to make sure everything is ready for the new addition to the family.

“Ya know it doesn’t have to be perfect right Tommy?” Joel’s tone light and relaxed in the presence of family.

Tommy scuffs and rearranges the fabric diapers and towels again, “I know but I just want it to make sense. Its gonna be hard enough raising a kid in this world let alone having things disorganized once they get here.”

Joel chuckles at his brother, “It was a shitty world then and its a shitty world now, either way ain’t keepin that organized for more than a day when the kiddo gets here.”

Maria walks in then hand on her belly and the other carrying a small box of extra baby stuff. Tommy rushes over grabbing the box from her. “The Doc said not to lift anything and you should be in bed resting.”

“I can’t just lay in bed for the next few months and you know that. Besides the Doc said I can’t lift more than ten pounds. That’s less than eight.” Maria smiles at her husband and pats his cheek before giving him a small peck on the lips.

Joel watches the contentedness wash over their features. A sense of envy fills his own chest. He misses that feeling. Recognizing that he had something similar with Sarah’s mom before she left and he hadn’t felt that want since she did. He also feels a bit of jealousy at his brother having what he wishes he did when Sarah’s mom was pregnant. Joel hadn’t even known about Sarah until she was dropped off by a social worker when she was a week old. Most surprising of all is his sudden want for a chance at that again. He feels himself try to shake off the thoughts. Immediately replaced by the feelings of grief, sadness, and loss. Anger being the most present. The two others in the room oblivious to the change in Joel’s demeanor. Maria turns the Joel then, “So hows the barn coming along?”

Joel huffs and rolls his eyes at that, “Just fine till Bunny told me to fuck off.”

Maria looks over to Tommy with confusion and concern immediately written across her face. She looks back to Joel, “What do you mean she told you to fuck off?”

He simply shrugs. “Looked like she hadn’t slept in a few, asked her if she was alright…damn near chewed my head off for it. Told me to leave so I did.”

She takes a step closer the concern only worsening, “Joel this is very important. How long ago was this?”

He squints his eyes at her then his brother. He feels as if he is missing something important, like he doesn’t know something they do. His eyes shift back over to Maria, “A week ago.”

She curses under her breath before looking at Tommy. “You see her in the past week at all?” He simply shakes his head no. “Tommy we need to get the doc to her ASAP.” He nods and starts heading to the truck Maria right behind him.

Joel stands there confused for a moment lost in thought as to what might be the reason that the doc would be needed. He almost just brushes it off and lets them deal with it, but something in him is telling him to get a move on and help. Clearly something is wrong and Bunny needs help.

Its not even twenty minutes later they are all standing at the front door. Maria banging on the door with no answer. Joel peers into the window to see if there is any movement. “Looks like she’s got the windows and doors blocked from the inside. What the hell is goin’ on with her?”

Maria huffs as she paces the porch, “I should have known when she didn’t come over Tuesday. She never misses bringing me meds.”

“You didn’t tell me she didn’t drop those off.” Tommy voices from the bottom of the porch stairs.

“I still had meds I would have been fine. I thought she would just be by tomorrow when she drops off the rest to the clinic.” Maria walks back to the door again and calls your name. She tries again just a couple more times hoping your real name would coax you out sooner. They all hear a rustling around from inside the house and she calls for you again. “Bunny please, Its just me Maria. You can trust me remember? We have been best friends for a decade. You saved my ass from a hundred infected, supported me with governing Jackson. Sweetie I know you are in there please open up. We just want to know you are okay!”

Joel can see the tears prickling in Maria’s eyes. He hasn’t ever seen her this emotional and distressed even with the pregnancy hormones. He looks to Tommy and recognizes the same sad look in his eyes that he had when he himself had gone off the deep end. It suddenly struck him what was happening. That’s when they all hear the shattering of glass come from inside the house.

~~~

You’ve been pacing the bottom floor of the house for you don’t even know how long. Sleeping only in small increments when your body allows it. That voice creeping in slowly. His voice. Its been so long since you’d heard it but you remember the condescending tone anywhere. At first it sounded far away like he was yelling from the yard but then he was closer and closer. He always knows where you are in the house without actually being here. He sounds like hes in the walls now.

“Little girl, you can’t run away from me now…” His voice makes you tremble in fear. “I know where you are…I know your every thought.”

“no….no just….just leave me alone please. I’ve given you enough of me.” Your hands squeeze around the leather handle of your knife as you pace in the center of the living room.

“NO! I WANT IT ALL! YOU’RE MINE!” His voice echoes out. Its almost enough to cover the banging at your front door. That’s when you hear your name being called in a familiar, sweeter voice.

“Bunny please, Its just me Maria. You can trust me remember? We have been best friends for a decade. You saved my ass from a hundred infected, supported me with governing Jackson. Sweetie I know you are in there please open up. We just want to know you are okay!” The voice carried through the walls you had built up. You don’t remember this person, only a small spark of familiarity.

You walk to the front door hand out stretched yet hesitant to take down the furniture blocking the way. “Don’t you dare trust her. She just wants to steal you away from me. You don’t want that do you little girl? She’ll hurt you.” Your trembling hands pull back and reach to cover your ears, the blade from your knife brushing slightly against your cheek.

“She sounds nice, I think I know her.” Your voice just a hushed whisper.

“STUPID GIRL! You can’t trust anyone but me! I kept you safe all those years and THIS is how you repay me?” His voice booms as you stumble back some slicing open your cheek. “It looks like I need to teach you another lesson. A round of iron should teach you better.” Its then that you see him emerge from the wall. A fire poker in hand and red hot. You see his hands wring around the iron grip and a gleeful look in his otherwise dead eyes. The bullet hole in his forehead still oozing blood like the last time you saw him. And the same devious, wicked smile plastered on his face. As he inches forward you feel yourself pushed back into fight or flight mode. You reach to the nearest objects and start throwing them at him, hoping to deter him from coming any closer. Once hes only a few inches away you let out a blood curdling scream. Moments later furniture flies away from its barricade spot and the door breaks off its hinges.

A man you don’t recognize walks towards you in a hurry, light shining behind him as if he is some sort of angel. Unsure of what to make of the man you shuffle away. The man of your nightmares dissipated into thin air as the new man stops in his tracks. His movements much slower now as if trying to calm a scared and wild animal. You can see his lips move but you don’t hear any sound right away. The golden light behind him is almost blinding as it washes over the cold room. It warms your skin as you look down at yourself and see the light gracing your form. Looking back up at the man you smile. “Is it safe? Is he gone?”

The man kneels down in front of you and slowly nods. He reaches up and starts to take the knife from you. That’s when the light behind him starts to fade into an inky black. Panic quickly floods back into your system, and your grip hardens on the knife. “No! GET AWAY FROM ME!” You kick at him and scramble to move away. He lets go and steps back quickly.

“Bunny please, I promise I ain’t gonna hurt you.” He watches you intently and you in-turn watch him. The light and inky black fighting back and forth around the man. Swirling and mixing yet never quite touching. Your gaze still lays on his features with no trust. He waits on a few moments before speaking back up. “I’ll stay right here okay? I just need you to put the knife down.”

The panic quickly grows and your eyes flick from him to the knife and back to him. “I won’t let him or any other man get me again.” You quickly flip the knife back to yourself and plunge the knife deep into your abdomen.

As your body feels the sudden numbness pool in your abdomen reality crashes back in. Eyes locked with Joel’s as he stands there stunned. “Joel…I…” You look back down to your abdomen, “Oh god what…did I do?” Dropping to your knees, hands grabbing at the still plugged wound. Your hands smearing the dripping blood as you feel another pair of hands on you keeping you from fully falling to the ground.

You hear Joel’s voice calling out something. He sounds panicked but you can’t quite understand what he is saying. All the sound around you muffled as if you were stuck in a dream. The inky black that had been around Joel enveloping your own vision as you hear more voices get added to the muddled sound.

~~~

Joel yells out to the group on the porch, “Doc! We need the Doc in here!” He cradles your shoulders as he rocks you back and forth slowly. His other arm pulling your legs to get you laying more flat. The blood pouring out from your wound coats Joel’s clothes and hand. Your eyes only half open staring up at him, pupils blown wide. You try muttering something out and weakly raise your arm. He was quick to hold you and shush you. “It’s alright Miss Bunny, we are gonna fix this. Everything is going to be okay.”

Time seems to stand still for hours as he looked deep into your eyes. His own filling with tears he hadn’t realized he could have for anyone more than he already had. It was when your eyes rolled fully back and the doctor pulled you from his grip that he himself blacked out. The next thing Joel knew he was standing with Ellie next to your sleeping form in a hospital bed.

Ellie’s hand squeezing yours and silent tears rolling down her own face. Joel does the only thing he can think of to help. He pulls up two chairs and guides Ellie to sit still able to hold your hand. He barely catches the whisper that leaves her lips. “Please don’t abandon me too.” It instantly crushes Joel’s heart and all he can do is sit there with Ellie.

Part 4

If you would like to be tagged in my works please feel free to message me and let me know who/what fandoms you’d like to be tagged in. I plan to write for at least The Walking Dead, Shameless(US), Marvel(MCU and Comics), DC(All), Teen Wolf and The Last of Us

#reader insert #long reads #potentially triggering #ellie williams #joel miller #joel miller x reader #joel miller x y/n #joel miller x you #maria miller #the last of us #tommy miller #tw abuse #ptsd

[cat-vase]

WOE. BRYCE HAS PCBD ESSAY BE UPON YE. Talk of mental health and drugs/alcohol/car crashes/death/self harm! He is going through it.

---

This is all based on the theory that Stella died in a car crash!

PCBD (Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder. I'm not typing this out every time it is way too long) is also called Complicated Grief! You will get different google pages if you type both in but they're the same thing, which is why I'm mentioning it. It's where, for at least a year (it's been 10 for Bryce. Yikes.) you're stuck in grief related to the loss of a loved one, and your feelings are disabling in nature. With PCBD you can basically never reach the acceptance phase: you're stuck in one of the other ones, usually denial (the first one). But that's not the case here! For Bryce! Because screw him even more! 

Risk factors include: 

If the death was especially violent and/or unexpected ✅

If you were dependent on the loved one or vice versa ✅

If you have a history of mental health issues❔(This is where most of his mental health issues spawned from? He was likely mostly fine prior. So like... kind of.)

If you were neglected or abused as a child ✅

If you have a lack of a support system ✅

If you have prior resistance to life changes❔(Again: he seems pretty resistant to/scared of change now, not before)

If anything involves children. No seriously this just makes everything 1000x worse. ❌ (He very much had graduated high school! Though you can graduate early/your birthday is just... after you graduate... which could've made him 17! Though I like to believe the accident was at least a little after then, maybe like 6 months, not the day of. It makes it hurt more! The fact that they had plans and were going to finally both be out of their parent's house and move on and then! ...... They didn't. So Bryce was super young, yes, but not a child.) 

Some stuff I want to point out about symptoms (lifted from the DSM-5)!!!

"Persistent yearning/longing for the deceased"

"Preoccupation with the deceased"

"A desire to die in order to be with the deceased"

That last one is especially the most important, I feel!!! Because that's canon. ...Okay, maybe I'm reaching a bit, but when he and Liam die on that smokestack he is brought back to his childhood home (canonically not always a good place to be!) and Stella is there. And multiple times in the montage he tries to go with her! Despite Liam pulling him back every single time! He's dead and the only thing he wants is to be with his sister again!!! That's the one person he cares most about in his life and she's been dead for 10 years!!! He doesn't really have friends, he doesn't seem to keep in touch with any other family he might have, someone alive that he considers a friend later on is right there, but he just wants to be with her! That's fucking canon!!!!!

"Intense sorrow/emotional pain in response to the death"

"Preoccupation with the circumstances of the death"

"Experiencing disbelief/emotional numbness over the loss"

"Maladaptive appraisals about oneself in relation to the deceased, as in self-blame"

("Maladaptive behaviors are actions that prevent people from adapting, adjusting, or participating in different aspects of life" As in daydreaming, masking your emotions to a constant level, self-harm (including drugs and alcohol), angry outbursts, or not attending social situations.)

This, I think, can all be related to the car crash!

And has overlap with a lot of PTSD symptoms, but PTSD and Depression (and Anxiety, but that doesn't apply here too much?) both overlap with PCBD/are comorbid, so that makes sense. The especially violent manner in which she died definitely would stir a lot of these feelings up, especially the self blame. I think deep down, buried beneath a lot of these other feelings he wont let himself express since he hasnt been to therapy for anything and he just drinks a 6 pack a day to deal with it, the self blame for the accident and/or Stella's death in general is the reason he's been stuck on it for 10 years now. In canon he says he hasn't tried again until now, until after this thing happened that reminded him things could be and are worse (and normally I wouldn't advocate for comparing trauma like that, but it worked for him, so...?), and he looks so crushed when he admits he's been stuck in anhedonia and apathy and complacency for so, so long even though he does have the ability to pick himself up a little bit, he can do it, please don't take it away from him again please don't leave again he can't do it over and over and over. So a lot of these feelings regarding the accident and her death are very repressed, which just makes it worse (instead of healing through your grief, with PCBD it just gets worse the longer it goes on without any help), and therefore makes any responses he has to these emotions worse in turn, which circles back around to but what if it was different, if he had done something different, if it had been him instead. 

"Feeling alone/detached from other individuals since the death"

"Feeling that life is meaningless/empty without the deceased"

"Confusion about one's role in life"

"Difficulty/reluctance to pursue interests since the loss"

"Bitterness/anger related to the loss"

"The disturbance causes clinically significant distress/impairment"

"The bereavement is out of proportion/inconsistent with culture or age-appropriate norms" 

I kind of went into this already on accident? but I think this group can dive into the life we see him leading before ONE! The fact that it's so repetitive and miserable, he buries all of his emotions for fear/dislike/inability of working through them, he has maybe 2 people he talks to and it's definitely not regularly, he's alive not for any reason it looks like, just because he's supposed to be. And it's been 10 years since Stella's death, 10 years!!!! That's such a long time to be burdened with those feelings of regret and misery and inability to change and he needs someone to talk to! Not to bring up his alcoholism again but I'm bringing up his alcoholism again because it's definitely a coping mechanism, and he might not even see it as that bad because maybe his mom was into drugs, I don't know? "At least I'm not as bad as her" type thing, y'know? "I can drive because I'm not as impaired as my mom and she didnt get in trouble for it" y'know? Which, by the way. Could also be a form of ideation. He's not trying to die, but if he did? Would it really matter? He wouldn’t feel any different than how he does now. Yeah? Am I making sense? 

There's also "avoidance of reminders of the loss" but that's the only one I don't agree with, really. Since it was a car crash and he still drives and he still has the picture with Stella in it and everything. I think his problem is that he thinks about it too much but likes to pretend he doesn’t. But that's just a personal interpretation thing! Maybe I'm projecting too much and distorting canon! I don't know! 

Anyways! Some stuff not from the DSM-5 that I've found that I think I should bring up! 

Apparently a lot of people report having hallucinations of the deceased! Full auditory and visual hallucinations! So do with that what you will! 

"Some individuals with PCBD report not wanting to move on from bereavement because they feel they would be betraying the deceased." After 10 years this might be part of his mindset. Not consciously, of course, but that's his big sister. He's not supposed to disappoint her, he's not supposed to be like this, his life was supposed to go differently than it did! 

I forgot to mention that earlier, holy shit. Ok so with the accident happening at that transitional period in his life, from high school to becoming an adult, it invokes a feeling of "things should have and were supposed to go differently" that you cant really... stop? In any way? But the whole point of PCBD is that you can't move on, not without a lot of help, and so i feel that feeling of "supposed to" would stick with him and that also influences his life up until this point as well. Because she's supposed to still be here, and they're supposed to be happy, and he can't be happy now that things aren't the same anymore, and yeah betrayal is also a big emotion for him I feel. 

Ok I think that's everything. He really really needs therapy, that's literally the only way to treat PCBD (antidepressants would help for sure! But it wouldnt cure it per se), he needs therapy and a support system for once in his life and he needs to trust people enough to talk to them.

Actually, maybe there is a little bit of denial in there. The first thing we hear Bryce say is "this isn't real. this isn't real." 

Which! To give him credit, that absolutely seems like a nightmare scenario (and it was!), but also when Liam shows up at his door he also acts like that isn't real either. And finding Texty wasn't real, despite all the evidence in front of him. So! Y'know! Denial is still there, unlike what I said before, just maybe not as prevalent as usual.

#hfjone #hfj one #bryce hansen #hfjone soda bottle #stella hansen #cat.writes #i wrote this a long time ago!!! like october/december ish??? #so i could probably add more thoughts to this now! or some stuff might not make sense! #i reread it to edit it and make it semi-readable #tho im on my phone rn so sorry it might actually look weird

[velvetnviolentviolets]

COMMON MISCONCEPTIONS:

((Because I've had soo many issues with this as of late))

I'm going to say this VERY loud so that everyone at the back of the room hears this. Katherine Does Not Sleep Around. Kat Is actually a fairly tough personality to get on with. I'm not saying this because I DONT want ships. I am a SHIPPING WHORE. BUT my muse wont just smut for smut sake. Kat Is a HUGE FLIRT and will openly flirt BUT that doesn't mean she wants to wham bam thank you ma’am(or man). Even If Kat and another muse get to flirting there is no guarantee she isn't going to spook and back peddle. She is GREAT at freaking out and pulling away. It’s kind of her thing. TLDR?: NEED CHEMISTRY and FEELS FOR BOOM BOOM. Flirt =/= Wanting to do the do.

AN IMPORTANT HEADCANON: Kat is generally detached and indifferent but when attached? Friends, Family, Lovers? She can quickly become needy, clingy, and obsessive. BUT is also quick to retreat inward or act out under perceived rejection.

A USELESS HEADCANON:

Kat has a collection of “neat” flashlights and lighters. Her favorite lighter is a chicken who’s flame comes from it’s beak.

POTENTIAL TRIGGERS:

Kats triggers are large amounts of blood. Sudden loud noises in small spaces. Masculine presenting individuals who suddenly get loud/Aggressive/Angry.

Potential triggers associated my muse:

These will be placed at the bottom of the post so they can be under cut.

SOMETHING YOU ENJOY ABOUT (WRITING) THEM

While Kat has a whole lot about her that makes her a difficult personality she is also an EXTREMELY passionate personality. Her passion for the things and people she loves has such a swelling affectionate and energizing resonance that words and feelings can come on SO intensely. I can feel her excitement, pain, joy, and affection in such a physical way. Aside from that she has been an amazing outlet to filter my own life experience, rumination’s, and motifs through. Not to mention she also has a tendency to just crack me up.

SOMETHING YOU WANT OTHERS TO KNOW BEFORE WRITING WITH THEM.

Katherine is spiked. Even if she starts off playful for you she’s going to have reactive moments where she bites and I can’t really do much to curb her triggers.

Kat WILL NOT just have sex with or just be thrown into a ship with your muse. If it doesn’t work I can’t force it. I’ve even tried! I pushed a ship on her just for the sake of not having to disappoint someone and she absolutely shut down on me. I couldn’t write her for weeks.

This is more of a mun thing but: PLEASE DO NOT CONFUSE INACTIVITY FOR DISINTEREST.

Life has been a real shit show as of late and I’m having a hard enough time taking care of myself let alone writing.

If you are going to take my struggle to write personally just save us both the time and anxiety and unfollow me now. 🙃

tagged: @wynterlanding Thank you for sticking around and just for being amazing in general . 🥹

Tagging: @godccmplex @vvolfatthedoor and @pctentialbreakupsong

Drug abuse, Spousal abuse, PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Terminal illness, Death of a parent, Death of a spouse, SA, Knives, Murder, and Alcoholism.

#kat things #ooc #headcannons

[fangirlstorycreator]

Can you do if we have really bad ptsd from being in the military or something

Trigger warning: PTSD, abusive ex, panic attack

Kk3: you and Terry were both in the dojo, when all of a sudden you hear one of the adult students laugh out loud "stop acting like a stupid b#tch" to his other student friend. You froze, and suddenly you could hear your heart beat ringing in your ears, and it felt like your heart was going to burst out of your chest. "Baby? Hey, baby are you alright?" You couldn't hear terry. You found yourself transported back to your old house, with your abusive ex, throwing plates and glasses around. "Your acting like such a b#tch! Why did I ever get with you, your nothing but a waste of-" all of a sudden you feel warm hands gently rocking you out of your vision. "Baby look at me, your having a panic attack, just look at me and breath ok?" Terry takes you by the hand and helps you get your breathing back to normal, and he holds you against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. "I'm sorry terry" "shhh babe it's alright, your going to be fine. I'm hear for you. I promise"

CK: you and Terry were just finishing your lessons in the dojo, when had to answer a phone call. "Hey Y/N, you'll never guess who I bumped into today? Jack!" Your blood ran cold, your friend had just told you that they bumped into your abusive ex boyfriend who tortured you for years. "Dont worry Y/N he doesn't know you moved to LA, and I wont tell him, just though I'd let you know, plus he looks like crap!" When the phone call ends, the phone falls out of your hand, and you begin to hyper ventilate. Tears start running down your face, and your heart begins pounding in your chest. "Y/N?" Terry shouts to you, when he notices something wrong. He runs over to you, and kneels down to your level, as your sat on the chair. "Baby, baby look at me" he takes my shaking hands in his, he knows what's happening, as we have both suffered like this before, and he knew exactly what to do. "Baby I want you to do the breathing we practiced ok? In for 5, hold for 4 and out for 6" doing this helps your breathing get slightly back to normal, but your still panicking. "Now sweetheart, were going to do the 5 question game now alright? So, 5 favourite movies?" This technique always helped you come out of a panic attack. "Uhhh the hobbit, hot fuzz, avatar, knifes out and Harry Potter" "good, 5 favourite foods?" "Chicken, broccoli, strawberries, Greek salad and cookies" your feeling a lot better now, your heart rate has gone down and you shaking has stopped. Terry smiles at you, thinking of one more question. "Favourite sexual positions?" "Terry!" You both laugh together. "And there's by beautiful girlfriend. Listen baby, I know you dont want to talk about what triggered you. And we wont, until you want to. Ok? I love you" he gives you a big warning hug. "I love you too terry"

#thomas ian griffith #sensei targaryen #terry silver #cobra kai #kk3

[nescamonster]

So i rarely post but i wanted to shout into the void about something i keep coming across as a neurodivergent with an invisible illness.

I am bi-polar with depression, anxiety and c-ptsd from abuse i sustained from birth untill 25 when i finally broke away from all the toxic people in my life. It was a long and hard journey to my diagnoses, out of the darkness and into a space where i actauly have a will to live.

Now the screaming into the void part.

PLEASE STOP ASSUMING I THINK YOUR ABUSIVE WHEN I SET ABNORMAL BOUNDARIES

Most people delight in unexpectant guests. They dont mind people just popping in. My wonderful friends are very nice normal non abusive people but they cannot understand why i hate it when people just show up.

For years i suffered under the control of an abusive parent. Even when i moved out, my space was not sacred. They would turn up anytime of the day or night, beating and screaming at my door to be let in and roast me over whatever perceived hurts they had concocted this time.

"But were not like that!" Yeah i know this, but still the sound of an unexpected car in the drive way makes my stomach drop.

"But we wont hurt you, were here to cheer you up" again, i know your not going to hurt me, but the sound of knocking at my door when i wasnt expecting anyone makes me feel like im gonna throw up.

"Were here to drop something off or to hang out and have fun because we like you." Thats lovely yes, but if im not mentally prepared for visitors, your whole visit im going to be shaking and trying to hold it together.

This is just one example of people stomping on boundaries that arent the norm. And when i try to explain why i hear i need to "move on" or "stop thinking about the past" or even "ill help you move past this by making unexpected visits a good experience"

And when i insist on my boundaries people get mad like im accusing them of abuse. They get defensive and the lash out at me.

I dunno how to end this little rant except to say, i wish i could make people understand that whats normal for you, is terrifying for me.

#tw abuse #depression is hard #personal rant

[villanelledeservedbetter]

i spent 3 hrs making moussaka as a special dinner just for my bf to accuse me of not seeing him as a man bc i went on a rant about how much men hate women

i then said yeah i do but u were socialised female and ignoring that would be delusional, if u have to lie and live in a fantasy land because the truth makes you suicidal to even hear then you need therapy for your gender dysphoria, hormones arent enoughhe says 'would u date me if i was cis (a cis man)'

i said 'no because i dont want to be anywhere near a penis, and you would be misogynistic, hateful, look down on me and see me as something to fuck. you being trans means i get to be an equal in our relationship. its a good thing to me. you cant be compared to cis men like a white man can't be compared to a black man.'

and then i started crying and explained he doesn't understand the trauma of being with a male. being with males means trauma.i said if he was brought up male he would be hateful towards me and only see me as a sex doll. you would have slapped me when i asked that one time because youd be pornsick, youd have enjoyed it and i would be self-objectify even more, find more crazy kinks, ask for more abuse, and youd love it while i was degrading myself and being traumatised. you dont know what ite like to have your boyfriend sexually assault (/rape) you 7 times in one year because all you are is a fuck thing. you don't understand this. you don't understand how traumatid it is.

so no, i wouldnt date you if you were cis because when you refused to slap me, i realised im a participant in sex. my sexual pleasure matters. i dont have to fetishise my pain and how much naughtier i am than other girls. i get to be more than a sex doll, more than a little thing to pretty up, i get to be me. i realise you respect all my opinions. you let me speak. i am important. im your friend. i get to go without makeup and say no to sex. i get to go halfsies on household chores. i wouldnt date you if you were cis because my heart speeds up a lot whenever i see a penis. it reminds me of violence, being frozen, being isolated, no one listening, making things up, having to do it all over again.

which made him say 'youve just confirmed every negative thought ive had about myself - that im delusional for thinking i could ever be a man' and he didnt eat his moussaka that i put my love ane labour into for 3 hours, didnt have a bite. and it kinda felt like being stabbed in the chest

he is fucking delusional. i love him so much but if had ptsd and had to avoid everything in the world that triggered you, something as small as a towel, because it sent you into a full panic attack, you wouldnt just be given medication youd be given therapy. but if a gender dysphoric person cant hear the truth of his sex, his socialisation, that he is still vulnerable to sex-based oppression (even though he RECOGNISES SEX-BASED OPPRESSION EXISTS) then hormones arent the right treatment. you need therapy through and through, if you get suicidal over recognising reality that has passed and that there are things you cannot change.

i hate trans ideology for poisoning his brain like this and letting him think its ok to delude himself from reality and that its healthy. he has a pattern of avoidande of everything. he was vulnerable.

i believe that he is trans. i will always respect his pronouns, i will always see him as a man, though he is not a man in the radfem definition, but i will see him as a man because i love him more than anything and wouldnt hurt him like that for no reason. but he has no coping skills for dysphoria that isnt treated by transition. he believes the world should change its language, fluff it up to prevent pain. he cried when i called him female, as in his sex. but sex isnt gender i thought...? look how much genderists have fucking convinced this man he doesnt need any dysphoria coping skills. look how much he wont accept reality. refuses to. it hurts to see from this angle and idk what to do. i cant talk about the things we have in common, even tho he talks about being raised as a little girl, he also wont accept that he is different on a fundamental level to a cis man.

the problem is he is my best friend and we never fight - just over this recently. except ive always said to him hes biologically female (the term afab doesnt make him dysphoric), that we're 'a queer couple in a way' (we are in a homosexual relationship which puts us at risk of homophobia, which we have gotten before) and that he was 'socialised female' and is 'different than cis guys'. ive also said this to him for the past almost 4 years. he has agreed. i dont know what has changed - that im a radfem now and care more about his mental health and his hormonal side effects more than anything? i dont know. we havent spoken since last night.

the moussaka thing really hurt. moussaka is a labour of love - i never wouldve made it for just myself. i made it because i love you.

#personal #vent

[vent-i-lattes-and-bones]

This is a vent blog, obviously.

If you think you know my main or any of my other blogs, you don't. This is a side blog where im very vulnerable and annoymous and id perfer to keep it that way. If your looking for dirt on me for a different blog, please have some decency and go get it somewhere else.

Just call me latte and im 21 yrs old. Im in a relationship, nonbinary/two spirit, intersex, butch bisexual, native, mentally ill and both physically and mentally disabled with chronic pain. I go by he/ey/xhey pronouns.

Im 5'6, Cw:218-225, sw:170, gw:160-150, ugw: 130-120

I AM NOT PRO-ED, PRO-ANA, TH1NSP0 OR PRO-SH. IM JUST SUFFERING FROM AN ED. Im pro-for me not for you. Every body shape is beautiful,its just not something i want for myself. I may occationally reblog th1nsp0 but its for myself. My blog may trigger other people's eating disorders so if you dont have an ed or dont wanna be triggered, dont follow me. Please dont report my safe space, just block me or something.

My list of shit to do other than eating

My intersex disorder partnered with the fact im disabled and cant get up and run causes me to gain weight. The multiple mental illnesses dont help.

I have: Ra, (potential)Pots, pseudo seizures, adhd, autism, bpd, ocd, (potential) schizoaffective, Osdd/did, some kind of eating disorder, anxiety, depression, (c-)/ptsd, age regression and some sort of nervous system thing.

Im also a potential budding alcoholic. I vape but its just vapor and not nicotine. Yes i know alcoholism can make you heavier and no i dont care.

If you wanna say nice things in my inbox, id appreciate it. If you wanna start shit, do it somewhere else please. Please dont vent to me, if im active here, im not in the place to help someone else and your woes will make it worse.

Dni if your proana/fatphobic/proed, pro-sh/suicide, pedo/zoo/necro, pro-para(as in think they dont need help, they should be able to give into their desires AT ALL and think they should be proud of it), trans-x fuckers, endos/supporters, and other standard shit like terfs/lgbtphobes/nbphobes, trumpers/centrists/racists, ableists, truscum/transmeds, anti-xenogenders/neopronouns.

I will also block based on PURELY vibes. Screenshotting my blog will also get you auto-blocked.

I post nsfw stuff about myself and my sex life sometimes so minors should generally stay away but if it fucks with you to hear about that stuff, i mostly hide it under read mores so dont look if you dont want sexual tmis.

Below the cut is the things you could find my venting about. Tw for basically everything, its a list of the horrible shit in my horrible life

Vents may include content of or related to:

Eating disorders

Domestic abuse

Religious abuse(christianity)

Child abuse

Csa

Cocsa

Physical abuse

Emotional abuse

Verbal abuse

Mental abuse

Sexual abuse

Medical abuse

Rape

Sexual assualt

Transphobia

Interphobia/Perisexism/intersexphobia

Racism

Homophobia/biphobia

Ableism

Allism

Racism

Intrusive thoughts

Intrusive fantasies

Pedophilia(im not a pedo, im a victim of them)

Incest( im not pro-incest)

Swearing

Gore

Spiraling(ocd)

Obsessions

Harmful system dynamics

Forgiving abusers( you dont have the right to judge me)

Beaten wife complexes

Self harm

Suicidal thoughts and ideation

Negative symphtoms of my mental and physical issues

Self-depreciation/bad talk of self

Resentment/revenge

Graphic descriptions of dark thoughts

Basically all the fun stuff involved in someone with severe mental illness not giving a shit about themselves and others due to repetitive abuse and melancholy. Im only even half serious when i talk about hurting myself.

I have not nor will ever be a threat to those around me so please dont report my posts venting anger towards my friends/family/pets/strangers or loved ones. Im not serious and im just letting out what ive been keeping in in word form. Im not a threat and i wont hurt anybody so please have respect for that.

The posts im not ok with being rbed will be tagged as #do not reblog. If you reblog it, i will block your ass and report the shit out of you. If it gets too bad,ill just turn off reblogs.

#pinned

[catboyfurina]

that's not what being an empath means... it means feeling other people's joys and sufferings as if they were happening to you as well, not because u know EXACTLY what goes on on their head or their precise feelings but the thought of them suffering a loss or having a big success can impact ur life as if they were happening to you too

But the thing is you DONT feel other people's joys or sufferings as if they were happening to you!!! Your feelings are only mimicking what you ASSUME theirs are. And there are a lot of types of suffering that can't be felt unless it's happened to you too cus you just don't know shit about it and by saying you are suffering their pain it's like.... Super rude imo because you aren't. You're just feeling an imitation of the best guess you have for it.

#query #i dont mean to be mean anon but i am not entirely concerned with being nice #also gonna be real with u #it does not impact you as if it were happening to you either. #you wont get ptsd from your friends abuse #it will make you sad and it will make ypu feel helpless but at the end of the day you need to prioritize them #because however much your brain is imagining what if that were me and trying to mimic their suffering #you need to be aware that you will not understand the depth of their pain #and quite frankly ive seen people use their oh im just too much of an empath schtick to make the person in pain feel guilty #for being in pain because theyre 'hurting' the 'empath' #in conclusion. the idea that you Can feel someone elses pain or be impacted by their suffering is at best #self centered and presumptuous and at worst you are harming people #i acknowledge that the whole your brain is mimicking pain when you see other people in pain thing is real and uncontrollable but like #you do have to remember that it isnt their pain and that you actually have no idea whats going on and also that your imitation pain can and #should be ignored because it is just an imitation and the person who is really hurting is the one who needs to be helped #and also that your imitation pain is nowhere near as painful as the actual thing etc etc #and also that having your brain imitate pain isnt moral superiority cus the anti empathy as a concept #posting happened cus people are like really cruel to low empathy people

[myownprivatcidaho]

hi all, @theecholyte has been a dear friend of mine for a few years and now they need help to reach their goal of $800. im gonna put the info from their gofundme here, please boost this and donate if you can.

Hello, my name is Echo, I'm a non-binary, disabled (temporarily), Nerodivergent 21 year old who is currently living in a very stressful and toxic environment. I live with and financially depend on my mother and her husband (technically my step-father) who have both verbally, mentally and emotionally abused me ontop of my already existing trauma and mental issues from years of this kind of treatment from others, including them. They do not accept that I am non-binary and consistantly arise arguments/fights because of it, resulting in them giving me anxiety attacks and triggering my PTSD simply because they don't want to call me the name I prefer to be called by, ontop of driving away my other family and friends they have invited into their home due to their behavior. They have blamed my step sister (who is 2 months older than me) as well as myself on the trauma they have caused us to the point where they drove her to live across the country and will never see my step sister's daughter (my niece) ever again, in order to keep the baby from being exposed to the violence they have shown us. We were both physically abused by them as well, but once we started becoming young adults roughly around the ages 15-17, they stopped hitting us as much and eventually stopped completely after that (for reasons unknown) and my step sister got the worst of it. My youngest brother is also transgender, and they treat him the same, but he has outside help that he's getting from friends he knows, so im not too worried about him, since he's tough and will be able to get out soon enough.

Currently, I feel like I am fighting for my life. My stress levels have gotten to the point where I've gained many migranes (stress-induced as well as random migranes run in my family, but they're happening more often than normal as of late) and a fever because of it, which would go away after one night of rest so i knew i wasnt sick with anything really concerning, that i know of, since im fine now.

I feel as though I am at my breaking point, and my depression has gotten significantly worse as well, despite the medication i take for it as well as the coping mechanisms I use to ease it. I try to tell my mother the stress and pain im in, but she threatens to take me to a mental hospital every time i express that she makes me feel like i should... take my own life, basically, because of how she treats me, ontop of feeling like she wishes i were gone, among other reasons. She prefers to get onto me rather than try to comfort me and try to hear why I feel the way I do with concern. I feel as though she resents me for some reason unknown, resents all of her children... she seems like she has no sympathy for our mental health regardless of how she might actually feel, and will never understand that people deal with things in their own unique ways, and that no one else in the world operates completely like she does.

On multipule occasions, my mother has expressed that if I feel like I want to end my own life, that she wont try to stop me if it means I'll be happier that way, and almost encourages it. She's also stated to my brother when he was 16 that she knows she will bury me one day, and is content with that fact considering how I've been dealing with su*cidal idiations since I was very young.

Ontop of those interactions, when my step-sister was little and was crying to my mother about how she makes her want to end her own life, my mother replied by saying "Is that all? If you don't try to end your own life at least once as a teenager, that makes you the weird kid. It's a phase, I've tried it and so has all of my kids."

Her husband on the other hand, is a dog abuser and has thrown/kicked puppies and our older dogs, including one pit bull we had named Pepa, who was thrown over the fence and landed hard on her side when she somehow got out of the backyard (she was a huge sweetheart and would never hurt a soul). He has no sympathy what so ever for animals, and when I confronted him about throwing Pepa when she was vulnerable and weak after just having a littler of 14 puppies, he stated that he could have done so much worse. He also has a habit of yelling/snapping at his kids when theyre in pain or take his attention away from his video games simply because it annoys him and he "doesn't want to hear it". Once, before my first knee surgery several years ago, I fainted out of the diningroom chair (I deal with low blood sugar issues sometimes) and bruised my ACL, crying and screaming for help while everyone was asleep. He has woken up to see what happened, and while i was on the floor clutching my leg, crying for help, he stated that "I need to learn how to do it myself" and went to go back to sleep. I had sat there for another several minutes screaming and crying before my brother woke up and helped me onto the livingroom couch and made sure I was okay. (my mother was at work at the time so she didn't find out about this until I called her when I was finally on the couch. she also doesnt believe what her husband did even happened, because I didn't think to tell her about it until some time later.)

They both also believe that my step-sister deserved to be hit and punched in the face as a young teenager, simply because she has an anger/attidude problem. (She is now the smartest, most strong and mature woman I've ever known, She's a wonderful friend, and an even better mother who deserves the best.)

Just a few reasons I need to be away from them both, and examples to explain to you all how severe this situation is.

I'm at a loss, and just need to get away. I have a friend in Washington State (where i used to live) who is offering to help house me, and I just need the funds to get there considering i'm in Texas, as well as provide for my dog. My dog Remi (He's a 13 year old Schnauzer) currently has two ear infections and has had them for over a month, yet my mother refused to take him to the vet no matter how much I begged her since im unemployed and cant provide for him at the moment, I have ear drops that I used to temporarily help relieve his discomfort, but his contition continued to get more severe and the ear drops stopped working. (She's had no problem providing for him until recently, especially when he was the family's dog first before he became mine several years ago.) She constantly says how they have no money but its very hard to believe when they have recently had the funds to go to an expensive amusement park twice in two weeks and spend all of their money on merch. Luckily, a long time friend offered to pay for his treatments with what little money she does have, so my dog has finally been treated after having to stay overnight at the vet and is home now, taking madications and resting as he should. His vet bill was only $117, and my mother could have easily afforded it.

Now for as what I'll need the funds for, I had found out that the most efficient way I can get myself and my dog all the way up to Washinton State (Seattle/Everett area) from Boyd Texas, is to rent a car and drive up there myself. Now, I've had my licence since I was 16, and started driving at the age of 15 with a permit, and have taken many long road trips on my own before, so I'm rather confident in my abilities to travel that far. Also with my issues only being in my left leg, I've still been able to drive perfectly fine as long as I take breaks to stretch.

I have looked into many different airlines I possibly could for the cheapest tickets I could get for myself, as well as for my dog.. problem is, he's just a little too big to fit in the cabin of any plane I've reserched, I even called around and tried to recieve quotes and advice from airlines, but to no avail. I've also contacted animal transportation and shipping services, but they're all just very expensive and too complicated. I will also not put my baby boy in cargo on a plane, as it is dangerous.

For renting a car in my area, I will need to be able to find a place that will let me rent a car for 4 days so that I will have wiggle room to rest, make stops for gas/take my dog potty, and also get food while im on the way, considering my ideal route takes 1 day and 7 hours, minus the time ill need for stops and to rest, as well as traffic. The cheapest I could find while doing reserch is between $70-$90 a day for either a renter's choice car, or just any cheap car they have available, and for four days, that rounds up to be close to $300-$360 total for the trip. Ontop of that, gas for the one-way trip will cost roughly $300 or more depending on the car's milage.

Tomorrow (11/01) since it'll be a Monday, I'll be calling around for offers for my specific need to see if they'll have anything available for the end of this week or next week up to a month. I'm honestly willing to wait for this trip at least a month, but I'm not sure I could stand staying here longer than that at this point, since I'm wanting to leave as soon as possible for the sake of my mental health and well being, as well as the well being of my dog.

I appreciate any donations anyone makes no matter how much it is, it would mean everything to me to get out of here and finally be happier and feel safe for once. Thank you so very much if you read all of this, my situation may not be as severe as some peoples, but its certainly something worth addressing, I'd think.

I'll happily answer any questions anyone has for me regarding my situation, as I believe in the power of reassurance and cooperation, especially when it comes to strangers providing money for me which they absolutely do not have to give, out of the kindness of their hearts. I'll give as much information as I can to truely strengthen your trust in me that my situation is as genuine as I have stated.

Thank you so much for reading all of this, it means the world to me and more to have anyone take me seriously. Regardless if you donate or not, I hope you have a wonderful day, and to have a restful sleep every night this week.

#signal boost #mutual aid #donate #donate trans/nonbinary

[criticalbowl]

wooooo

#hey siri wht do you do when your dad physically and emotionally abused your mom for like 13 years or something and then now #your mom had ptsd and screams at you and calls your dad evil and tells ypu that youll only ever be a liar and you wont amount to anything #because shes so fucked up from him #and your step mom is super fuckign cool but idk probably being abused too who knowd #also did you know my dad also cheated with like everyone #and you really have no one to go to except your grandma WHOS YOUR BEST FRIEND (love you bitch) but even she pretty much used to abuse my mom #when she was little but shes gotten therapy since and shes cool #but like WHO THE FUCK DO YOU TRUST #becauee being quarantined and only being able to see my mom and my dad (and my stepmom) has been TOO MUCH AND IM IMPLODING #its been an awful few days #also fun fact my dad loves to use me to torture my mom #like he sent her pictures that i took at him and my stepmoms wedding which i never told my mom i went to becauee WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED #TO SAYTHATS FUCKING DISGUSTING OF ME GODDAMN #and then my mom finds out and gets fuckign FURIOUS at me for lying to her #WELL FUCKING SORRY IM NOT PERFECT I FUCKING TRY #god these people are all idiots #rowan???

[dancing-with-the-madmen]

cPTSD in OFMD, redux

The other day I was babbling to a friend about OFMD, as I am wont to do, and casually mentioned cPTSD and the different types of trauma responses Ed and Stede employ in stressful situations, and, hey, maybe I shouldn’t just assume that’s common knowledge, and also, maybe I'll just go ahead and write a whole essay about it? So first, it’s only responsible to say that I am NOT an expert: I did study psychology in college, and I have researched this condition, but all that was ages ago, and I am not a mental health professional. So take what I say with a grain of salt, and anyone who knows better than I do is welcome to correct me where I am wrong.  With that ringing endorsement...

cPTSD, or complex post traumatic stress disorder, is a form of PTSD that is caused by long-term, repeated trauma as opposed to a single traumatic event (usually, and in the case of Ed and Stede, the result of prolonged child abuse). It presents with extreme mood swings or difficulty controlling emotions, pervasive feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness, difficulty forming or maintaining friendships, dissociative behaviors, and frequent suicidal ideology. Surely this all sounds familiar when applied to our favorite pirate captains, yeah?

Trauma response refers to the coping behaviors used to deal with traumatic situations and inform the way one responds to stress-inducing scenarios. Everyone has heard of Fight or Flight, but less commonly known are Freeze and Fawn. Freeze behaviors can have a physical component (anything from actual immobility to sensations of heaviness, rigidity, or numbness, or restricted breathing, or mindlessly following instructions even when counter-intuitive), and/or a mental component (failure to recognize stimuli, or being slower than usual to process information, inability to communicate, “brain freeze”). Fawning behaviors include being a “people-pleaser”, saying “yes” to requests even when they are inconvenient or painful to you, putting other people’s comfort and needs above your own, and changing your behaviors or mode of expression to try and fulfill the expectations or desires of others. It’s important to note that no one chooses their trauma response; it’s based on what kinds of behaviors have kept you safe in traumatic situations in the past, and is completely involuntary. A given individual will also usually employ a mix of the different responses, though it’s not uncommon for one or two strategies to pop up most frequently.

With Ed’s reputation as the dread pirate Blackbeard, one would expect to see Fight as his primary coping behavior. And while we do see that some of the time, far more frequently we see him Fawn.

Fight

In his childhood flashbacks, we initially see him Freeze when confronted with his drunken father’s abuse, and while that works in the moment, it’s the Fight response that keeps him and his mother safe on a more permanent basis.

On the French Merchant ship, when the captain insults him, we see his Fight kick into high gear. He yells, looms menacingly, and even when Stede calms him down, still demands physical violence be enacted on his tormentor,

When the fickle favor of the French aristocrats turns against him, Ed initially responds with Flight, removing himself from the situation. But that doesn’t let him outrun the feelings of humiliation, so we see him turn to Fight, growling that “No one laughs” at him and pulling his gun with the intention to go inflict physical violence on those who inflicted emotional damage.

In response to Izzy getting in his face and snarling about the real Blackbeard, Ed pins him to the wall with a hand around his throat.

Fawn

He tells Izzy that he intends to kill Stede and take over his life, putting Izzy in the position of captain in order to stop him from leaving after the lighthouse incident.

While initially reticent and seemingly off-put by the French aristocrats, we see his manner change over the course of the party to mirror their behavior. He becomes increasingly braggadocious, louche, and insouciant, eventually even sacrificing his friend on the altar of a crowd-pleasing witticism.

At Izzy’s insistence, he  agrees to go through with the plan to kill Stede, even though it’s clear that he very much does NOT want to do that.

He goes on Stede’s treasure hunt even though he makes no qualms about how cringe-y and uncomfortable he finds the whole ordeal.

We see Ed’s mirroring behavior again with Calico Jack. He’s more raucous and rowdy than we’ve ever seen him, and often looks at him to see how he's acting before he starts doing a similar sort of behavior (like when when Jack starts whispering apologies for the cannon fire that awoke Stede, or when he brings up "whippies" at the breakfast table). Even when the things Jack says are making Ed visibly uncomfortable, we see him returning to match Jack's energy again and again.

When Ed and Stede are at the Royal Privateering Academy for Wayward Seamen, Ed’s adjustment is near instantaneous and flawless. He cheerfully confirms his name on the roster with a cute little rhyme, is visibly excited about the block of soap he receives, throws himself into mundane chores, and even shaves off the eponymous beard that is his claim to fame.

And finally, Izzy goads him in into his Kraken transformation, and Ed goes full “You want my crazy? I’ll SHOW you crazy” even though we see in his private moments how much it pains him.

···

Unfortunately, because Ed is such an emotional chameleon, it’s not always easy to tell when he is acting according to his own genuine desires and when he’s doing what he thinks other people want from him. Did he lean in to Stede on that moonlight drenched deck because he thought that’s where Stede was going with the whole “You wear fine things well” moment, or did he do it because he wanted to kiss those honeyed words off Stede’s lips for himself? Does he concoct a plan to run away to China because that’s what he wants to do, or is he just coming up with a plan to please Stede because he knows that Stede doesn’t want to stay in the service of the British? And even more unfortunately, Ed would probably say that all of the examples listed above WERE his idea, because even the ones that clearly make him uncomfortable are better than the agony of disappointing someone, or pushing a disagreement to a crisis point where he would have to relive the trauma of his childhood violence. 

Stede, on the other hand, uses the trauma responses of Flight and Freeze, the latter more frequently than the former.

Flight

Runs from the bullies of his youth.

Runs away from his family to become a pirate. He’s done everything he’s been told all his life he’s supposed to have done; got married to someone appropriate, even if they would never have chosen one another, not in a million years, made babies, even made sure one of them was male for patriarchal inheritance purposes, but he’s been miserable for nearly the whole of it. So after Mary confirms that their differences are, indeed, irreconcilable (he wants nothing more than to live on a ship, and she HATES the ocean), off he slinks in the middle of the night, (when Louis is about the age real-life Stede was when his father died, which I thought was an interesting way of squaring the narrative with history. Also, real-life Stede and Mary had four kids; three boys and a girl over the 6 years of their marriage; I think it an interesting and important detail that the writers decided to pare it down to two kids, Louis being the younger. It gives a very “copulation for the sake of procreation and NOTHING ELSE” vibe that adds a layer to the misery and desperation of their marital situation. I would not be the least surprised to find Stede had not so much as touched Mary since the birth of their heir. They must be SO touch-starved, and yet mutually repulsed. This parenthetical aside seems to have gotten away from me…).

Runs from Ed in response to the trauma of Chauncy’s screed about Stede ruining everything he comes in contact with, the veracity of which is immediately and fatally confirmed in Stede’s mind by Chauncy’s accidental death.

Freeze

The beheading of the goose in his youth is where we see this first solidified. He is initially frozen in shock as the blood spatters across his face, but it isn’t until tries to turn away that his father remonstrates him, effectively telling him that coping strategy is NOT acceptable. Incidentally, this flashback sequence is an illustration of Stede experiencing an emotional flashback as he Freezes on the deck of his ship, eyes unfocusing and breath shallow, while, all around him, his crewmates gleefully prepare for a slaughter.

We see another emotional flashback at the tea party of re-lived trauma as Nigel wistfully recalls the abuses he subjected Stede to in their youth. Stede sits silently, eyes unfocused and shoulders hunched as he dissociates into the filmic flashback.

After Nigel’s death, he is again Frozen in shock.

The tribal tribunal trial again sees Stede dissociating in a Freeze as he focuses on the mental construct of Nigel’s ghost instead of paying attention to what is being said by those around him, muscles so rigid he’s shaking.

He Freezes when Jackie threatens to take his nose.

When Mary gets upset over the model boat and all the implications thereof, Stede Freezes again, shoulders bent, eyes averted.

Ín the “You wanted to be Blackbeard. This is what it's like” scene from episode 4, we see a prime example of mental AND physical Freezing. As the questions keep coming and the tension mounts, Stede fumbles his words and sputters, repeating himself, and saying “I don’t have an idea. I don’t know what to do!” while his body goes rigid and his eyes go glassy.

On the French party boat, we see mockery of Sir Godfrey: “Oh, Thornrose, will you never cease with your incessant nattering?” to which Stede draws in on himself and falls silent.

Just everything Calico Jack. It’s like Nigel all over again without even the veneer of civility. Stede just spends so much time in stunned, shamed silence from the initial insult introduction (“Who’s the big girl?”) to the crab/turtle battle that no doubt is bringing back goose flashbacks (“Loser gets his head cut off, and winner gets his fuckin’ head cut off!”).

Freezing shows up once more when Chancy wakes Stede with a gun to the face, and again after he shoots himself.

···

I also think the Freeze instinct is tied up with Stede’s death wish. But wouldn’t that be Fawning - agreeing that he deserves disrespect and death? There’s an element of that, yes, but I think it’s less a case of him trying to please his tormentors and more a case of him mentally freezing and failing to process all the very good and valid arguments against passively submitting to that kind of treatment.

I don’t have any real conclusion to draw here,  It’s more of a “Behold this thing I noticed” kind of exercise. Was it all an excuse to make a collage of Stede’s wonderful stupid face looking like a Podling from the Dark Crystal? You’ll never prove anything. Actually, this started out as a very different essay with a VERY different tone, but then I started defining terms and it turned into a whole thing. All of which is to say, I’ve a little more tinkering to do, but more to come soon.

#ofmd #ofmd meta #stede bonnet #edward teach #tw ptsd #tw mental health #tw trauma

[furiousgoldfish]

I see nobody in society is acknowledging this, but running away from abusers is traumatic.

It’s never a story of “everything was fine after I got away from that”, they’re stories of terror, loss, grief, trauma and ptsd. That isn’t to say it doesn’t get better after you’re no longer abused, of course it does! But to actually run away is a heavy, painful and terrifying decision for any victim of abuse.

We’re talking about abandoning your home, in many cases your siblings, pets, friends, neighbors, everything you’ve built your normal life on. You have to give up your safety of having a roof over your head; you’re running into a world where you don’t know where you’ll sleep next. Most often, you will lose a big part of your posessions, your books, your comfort items and valuables and you will have to let them go, in order to save your life. That is what people do when they’re running from wars. Abuse victims live in that state, alone.

You do all this scared out of your mind, not only because abusers made sure you’re extremely not confident in your ability to survive, but you don’t know how will they react. Will they chase you down and hurt you to teach you not to run from them? Will anyone care about protecting you? Will they find out where you live and come for you with torches? Will they lie and convince the entire world that it was you who hurt and betrayed and abandoned them, will they turn everyone you know on their side? Will they convince other people to harass and betray you? Will you be bombarded with insults, guilt trips and accusations from every person you thought you knew? What if after all this you end up on the street and have to go back because there’s nowhere else for you to go? It feels unsurvivable.

And at the end, there’s self doubt that you’re doing the right thing, and trauma that gets so much worse right after you leave because you’re finally free to actually feel what they did to you, and you get to feel torture in full extend. It can cause complete exhaustion and lack of functinality at first, and before It gets better it can be damn hard to reason that you’re better off without abuse - even though abuse is the very cause of you being so broken down.

Despite all this, running away is worth it, hiding your location from everyone so abusers couldn’t find you even if they manipulated every person you know, is worth it. Life free of abuse is worth abandoning everything. But it is harder than anything most people have to go thru in their entire life.

So do not, ever, tell someone half heartedly to “just run away”, as if it’s an afternoon task. Don’t ask anyone why they stayed. Don’t let it even cross your mind that staying means a person consented to abuse, thats despicable. No person alive would choose this. Accept that running away is a dangerous, traumatic, often heavily sabotaged mission, and guilt tripping will never help those who have to do it. Undermining the weight of it, is only insulting to us. If you haven’t had to run away yourself, don’t suggest it like it’s a simple, logical thing that you would do. Condescending victims with your own ignorance will piss us off. And we don’t need another person to pretend to know whats best for us and call us dumb, abusers have covered that, and you’re taking their side.

If you wont help us feel like a part of society that is worth protecting, worth resources to live safely from abuse, and worth having their experience acknowledged, then leave us be. We’re better off without you.

#child abuse #escaping abuse #abusive parents #abuse victims #toxic society #victim blaming #undermining trauma #victim shaming #erasing abusers

[venicebixch]

hey!! i actually have a two requests, and one is a bit on the heavy side 😅 but i love your writing, and i knew that if anyone was gonna be able to write these, it would be you 🤍 (btw, i apologize in advance if this is a lil long lollll)

[ also, just a trigger warning for anyone reading: mentions of bullying, emotional/mental ab*se, SA, anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive tendencies & PTSD ]

basically, i deal with a lot of mental health issues that stem from bullying (emotional/mental abuse from kindergarten to sixth grade) & childhood SA, and it makes relationships feel almost impossible. while some people do understand what i deal with and try to help, it’s almost never done with true ease. like, i’ve always wished for someone who’d be able to pick up on my bad habits without me having to say anything and check-in with me habitually—basically, someone who’s in-tune with me like a second half/that knows me almost better than i know myself… if that makes sense?

so the first request is for like, a compilation of all the different times vinnie would notice/pick up on the reader’s bad habits, like biting her finger nails, picking at her skin, not taking care of herself (like hygiene-wise) when she’s in a depressive episode, etc. and then like maybe even one where they’re in public and he can she she’s trying to suppress a PTSD episode (like an uncontrollable twitch or something), so he asks his friend—who’s the host—for a room he could borrow, and just leads her there, where she’s both like “how’d you know” (and he’s like “i know you”) and “thank you for saving me, i love you”? and one where they’re in public again, but at a party and one of the guys is drunk and makes an insensitive joke, and vinnie tells him to cool it because he knows how that stuff affects the reader (who’s standing right beside him & can hear everything) and maybe looks at her and sees in her eyes that she’s uncomfortable so he takes her into an empty bathroom and just hugs her and is like “he’s just drunk, don’t worry about him. you’re safe with me.” before leading her back to the party, but to his close friends who he knows wont say anything stupid.

the second one is smut (lol ~shocker~) where basically, the reader’s 18 but is still inexperienced because she’s terrified of getting intimate, but she’s been with vinnie for a year (he’s like 20 in this) and she really loves and trusts him, and wants him to be the one to take her. and basically he’s hesitant because he knows how scared she is, but she cries and tells him she wants this, and so he assures her that she’s safe, that he loves her, would never judge her, etc. & does everything he possibly can to make her feel protected. like he constantly tells her “you’re safe baby” “i love you” “you’re beautiful” “i can practically hear you’re heart beating out of your cheat y/n… are you sure this is okay?” OH and she asks to keep as many clothes on as possible—like she keeps her t-shirt on—maybe even asks him to close the blinds so its as dark as possible? and basically she has to ask to stop a couple times to breathe and ground herself, and he’s just like “it’s okay, whenever you’re ready” & “we can stop whenever, just let me know” & like maybe she even tears up at one point, or has to stop because she’s crying and he comforts her (maybe even sheds a tear himself because he’s both hurting for her, but also so honoured that even tho its so hard for her, she trusts him enough to be the one to do it). // also, if you’d be willing to add it in, i’d love a specific addition of him going down on her and basically she denies him using his fingers because it’ll cause flashbacks, so she’s like “wait—no hands. you can use your mouth, but just…no hands. please.” and he just kisses her forehead and is like “of course. anything you want baby” // and afterwards he just holds her and lets her cry into him as she thanks him and tells him how much she loves him, before they drift off to sleep 🥲

ahhhhhh sorry that was so long—i just wanted to get as many details as i could in there to make them as realistic/accurate as possible for any other readers who go through these things cause there isnt many fics on here for us :’(

anyways, i’d really appreciate you considering my ask. it would mean so much to me (as a vinnie stan who’s life is a lil different than the ones described in most fics lol) to have something like these written!!! again, i love your work and i just wanted to say i hope you never stop writing for vin, because you’re honestly so talented 🤍🤍🤍

- 🌙 anon

first of all, let me just say i’m so sorry for the things you’ve been through and i hope you know you’re amazing as hell and i sincerely hope you are doing the best you can.

secondly, thank you so much for asking me to do this story and for trusting me with such a sensitive topic because you’re right - not a lot of fics dive into some of the more realistic parts of life, which i understand because they’re usually just lighter and for fun. but i know many readers would also appreciate the more realistic side of things from time to time.

i started writing in middle school and didn’t get into fanfic until recently. but writing has always been something that gives me an escape from the real world. it’s absolutely a coping mechanism for me, and i know that many people who read my stories read them for the same reasons that i write them. and to be able to give you and everyone else who reads my stuff a little bit of peace or escape from whatever bullshit is going on in their life, that means the absolute world to me. it gives me such a sense of purpose, even if it seems like this is just a silly little blog on tumblr.

i’ll split these into 2 different stories and get to work on them right away. the first one will be a series and the smut one will probably be a one shot if that’s okay?

[fuckurgender]

This is a trans and gender discourse blog. As well as an transsexual pride and informational blog.

Im fed up with todays "trans community ". I cant take this shit anymore.

I want to see a community for transsexual people. Have sex dysphoria talked about and understood. Or if not its own, hopefully make others understand or consider transsexuals in the transgender community.

I want good change so people like me can feel better and have a safe and caring place to talk about issues and get support. Not be censored or treated like enimies.

Have a civil conversation/discorse when interacting with me.

The only information you need to know about me is that im an adult, transsexual and not fluent in English. (Will not be perfect english or most advanced)

Im fine with dms and questions/anons. Getting friends would be nice

Also i keep being called a transmed: i dont think u need dysphoria to id as transgender or even transsexual. If you transition (social/medical) you can thecnically be considered transgender/transexual. I just think its not healthy and think its affects those who do have dysphoria and need help , negatively. I think at least those Whitout dysphoria should get mental help first , and if not, pay for their own transition themself.

Some of my views bellow.

Gender: gender is a social construct. I belive gender should be abolished and removed from society. We have personalities and are all unique. Having a gender identity or brain gender is made up. Sex or gender says nothing about who you are as a person or your personality.

Transgender: Gender dysphoria is a real thing, and a mental illness. It is painfull to live with, but It can be lessened or cured. But transitioning medically is not the best choice if you only have gender realted issues and dont experience sex dysphoria

Transsexual: individual who transition medically to be/resemble the other sex. This has nothing to do with gender. It has to do with sex. I use this label because i feel like transgender is not right due to me not caring about gender or having gender dysphoria.

Gender dysphoria: mental illness tied to discomfort or disconnect to societies gender roles. Usally the one tied to your born sex. At times for both male and female gender roles. This is curable for some with therpay. Highly suggesting you stop giving a fuck about gender roles and stop trying to live by or care about gender or pronouns.

Sex dysphoria: mental illness as well, but completely diffrent drom gender dysphoria. Sex dysphoria is the discomfort with your biological sex. This can be greatly helped or cured by medical transitioning. This has nothing to do with gender roles or gender, femininity or masculinity. Only biological reality. (Note: some things like ptsd or gender dysphoria can be mistaken for sex dysphoria, so transitioning is not always the right choice. Getting mental help first is good. But sex dysphoria has no know cause itself. )

Extra: this also means i think someone wearing fully pink and feminine clothes, or very masculine clothes, has absolutely nothing to do with if youre "valid" as a trans person. Wear whatever the fuck you want.

LGB: wont talk much about this, but just saying, queer is a slur. Not an identity or a community. Trans issues should be its own community outside LGB. Since sexuality is a hole other issue. I think asexuallity is real but not an actuall sexuality/sexual attraction that should be a part of lgb.

Trans healthcare: often bad, especially on the mental part. Overtaken by the idea gender identity is all that matters . There are many issues with the medical side as well. I belive sex dysphoria should be its own diagnosis required for undergoing transition. Gender discomfort should not be required to transition.

Sex: biological sex is real, and important to not ignore or downplay. Those with sex dysphoria are struggling soley due to their sex. If you earase sex you also erase our struggles.

The "trans" community : horrible in its own way. I belive transgender individuals and transsexuals should have separate communities. Despite the similar medical treatment, our issues are not the same. Transgender people usally are not considerate for those with sex dysphoria, only hurt them due to making everything in the trans community to be about gender and identity , and denying biological sex, or pressuring for media inclusiveness. I belive transsexuals should have our own community for our own specific issues and struggles unrelated to gender.

Trans community p2: an important thing the trans community needs to do is take accountability for the "bad" people in the community (criminals, pedos, ect). Instead of saying "that never happens" and pretending every trans person is good, the community needs to call these people out. The community should not be a safe space for rapists , pedophiles and abusers.

#trans discourse #lgbtq discourse #lgbtq #nonbinary #trans #lgbt #transgender #transsexual #gender #discourse #intro #lgbt discourse #gender abolition #gender critical #transmedicalist #transmed #truscum

[jojosbabe]

Ok *cracks knuckles* time for y'all to understand keicho.

Tbh i know this may sound mean to some

But honestly if you are a single child. Don't have siblings. Or are not an older sibling.

I don't really think you can capture keicho nijimuras character.

Its not that you couldn't write him. Its i dont expect these people to get it done well.

It kinda hurts me when people don't do siblings well.

But that aside. I know people have different feels. And thats ok. But the nijimuras are close to me. And i wont stand for slander on any of em.

The nijimura brothers arch hit me close. As i completely understand keicho's character. And the shit he had to go through. What its like to kinda lose that feeling of being the fun big brother to having to help take care of family. Granted mine wasn't as oof. But it still is a sombering feeling. That you grow up to damn quick.

And now you look back and ask. Where did the time go? I went through a lot of shit tbh as a kid. But my personal experiences aside. Keicho's i absolutely understood where he came from. What he smart bout it? Nah. He did deserve that ass whoppin from josuke. But he got it. And lost. But he isn't bad and he hesitated and thought about giving the bow n arrow. But his pride got in the way. And didn't know how to atone and repent. But probably he didn't have anyone approach him in that way before. He probably didn't have many friends or people to talk to. As many people cant see stands and well you get the point. Akira otoishi seemed to be friends or someone he knew. Thats why that scene seemed so weird and sudden. I wanna know more what happened before that. It sounded like they had history. So i hc they were friends and the only person that cho felt like he understood and he understood him. And he could be his happy self around other than his brother okuyasu. He didn't trust easy. Like i have a whole big story in mind.

And not to mention their father who is practically disabled. Keicho seeing him go through that. He admitted he hated seeing his father suffer. Their family suffer unnecessarily. And there isn't anything to do about it. That feeling of having to be strong for his bro during the abuse they suffered. And now having to feel helpless. Like its just awful. The amount of shit he took the brunt of for oku.

Alao people forget the cultural differences too. That doesn't help. Japanese family dynamics are different than us. Sorry people it is.

But anyways. Keicho isn't a bad guy. Just a product of hurt and dios bullshit. And his fathers mistakes.

But mr.nijimura isn't all bad either. He was desperate. He lost his wife. Lost his business. It was tough.

Like the whole thing still gets me. But many people dont wanna go deep or take it at such shallow face value. And so much slander and overshadowing keicho.

Look i looooove okuyasu with all my heart. But keicho nijimura. How they did him. It feels like a waste. And wasted potential. And how the fans sideline him. All because his lil bro is the "nice symptoms" of ptsd and all that shit they went through.

Okuyasu suffered too and hated how he felt helpless to protect his bro not just from other stand users but himself. And you guys let this fly over your heads.

Okuyasu nijimura loved his big brother and his father. Unconditional love. The good the bad and the ugly of it. We dont deserve this bean

Keicho also loved his brother. He had an overprotective complex. And if you were a big sibling you would understand that feel.

You want them to be strong and resilient to the world. Because not everyone is gonna be your friend. But at the same time. While it made him blind to the fact you can love too. And its ok to ask for help and a shoulder to lean on.

I could go on forever.

But you get the idea.

It just hurts me that that arch had the potential to be the most realest damn thing in the series.

It hit home too much. Thats why it both made me pissed when keicho nijimura was killed off. But was sad af too.

We dont really see the aftermath. And that sucks ass.

Sure yeah anime plot. But still. Oof.

I may have to write more keicho nijimura stuff because nobody can get him well enough for me. At least the complexity of it all.

Thats enough venting for now.

Im not here to jab at anyone. I just have a lot of feels and opinions about this character personally because they hit home to me personally.

I don't expect everyone to understand or agree. But i needed to say something about it.

#personal post #personal post do not reblog #personal vent? #keicho nijimura #i just have feels ok?

[curious-menace]

Any riddler u want x depressed male SO with bad ptsd (help i need serotonin and ur content is So Good)

aww bb. im sorry youre not doin so good rn. you know im always here for u <3

i think i will do arkham riddler and maybe blacklight riddler since they also canonically have PTSD, i feel like they would be able to empathise. 

read more for mentions of mental illness and abuse 

Arkham Riddler

He could write a 5 page essay on how trauma has fucked him up, without actually admitting he’s been fucked up . He’s pissy no one seems to take PTSD in men seriously unless its from combat. You both have been told to “man up” and get over it. Cheers neurotypical, thats helpful.

riddler has never been diagnosed with PTSD but even if he had, he’s not going to admit he’s got it. then you roll around and he’s like “oh shit it me.” when he sees you struggle. He’s still not even trying to get help but you help him understand so much more. 

Riddler has an eidetic memory. Everything seems like a flashback to him at times. he understands you cant always control it. for his sake and yours he tries his best to keep his hideouts 

he has a lot of stuff around to help with dissociation lying around. heavy blankets, tangle toys textured surfaces, sometimes lil sweets , snacks or food just to have one of your senses engaged  and hopefully ground you. 

he really struggles to control his fits of anger at times. but, he knows how triggering this is for you so he’s doing his best to just take himself away when he feels it coming on. You seem to have a 6th sense for his tantrums and depending on your headspace, can either remove yourself from the situation or try and comfort him through it. 

he hates to see you lie under your depression. in his narcissism riddled mind, he really thinks he can help cure you. but seeing you just lie there in bed not wanting to exist mostly discourages him from taking up chemistry and pharmacy to make you any experimental mood drugs. He’ll probably just bring you some coco and sit with you while it passes. 

he cant help, not really, he doesnt have the capacity. but at least if youre in a pit of misery you dont have to be alone.

Blacklight riddler

i guess you could call him a little more proactive in his approach to your ailments. He knew you were suffering when you two got together so right from the get go he had things in place to try and make you a little more comfortable. 

He’s got trauma but he’s done his stint in therapy. he takes his meds and his problems are mostly managed. Because of this he knows what you're going through, what you will have to go through to get to the other side of this. he wont dare compare traumas or recovery, that's not fair on anyone, but at the very least he’s going to empathise with what happened to you. 

now, Edward is not an angry man. Perhaps when he was younger, less in control of himself sure, he was prone to being easily angered. but if there’s one thing in life thats still going to make him see red its when people minimise male childhood abuse survivors. do they not realise that LITERALLY kills people??? how many men have suffered and even died because they were shamed or discouraged from seeking help?! he doesnt like murder, he doesnt want to upset or traumatise you further but like....just say the word and he’ll seal a bitch in an oubliette. 

his apartment his a sort of safe zone. like theres no noise, no smells  comfort foods and easy access to therapists and doctors. the building itself is basically a fortress with a deadbolt door that would make batman jealous. good for someone trying to avoid triggers , feel safe and as a bunker for the zombie apocalypse. 

listen, he gets recovery isnt linear. if you wana lie spend a day in a depression pit he’ll leave you be, maybe come lie besides you if you want him to so you dont have to suffer alone. but please dont mistake this for him trying to push you too hard. he’s just doing what he wishes someone would do for him, he had to climb out of the hole with no one to give him a hand and he wouldn't wish that on anyone. 

but that being said he’s not going to just let you waste away. he will cook for you if you cant, brush your hair and your teeth if you don't have the energy. he’ll even give you a bath if you haven't showered in a while. of course, he wont force this on you, he knows to respect your boundaries.  but he wants you to know the option is there, he’ll do anything for you to make you feel even a little better. you’re in this together 

i hope this sparks the joy, love. its rough all over and i wish i could give you a proper hug. maybe when this is all over we will. i know things are tough right now but it will get better. dont forget how far youve come, even only in the time we’ve been friends. im always proud of you 💙

got something you wana talk about? send me an ask or a dm! im aways game to talk about our favorite curious menace 💚💜

#asks #for my darling chris #riddler headcanons #tw trauma #tw abuse #tw mental illness #arkham riddler #arkham knight riddler #riddler #edward nygma #edward nigma #blacklight riddler #blacklight au #sorry for being gushy on main #my stuff #my writing #my headcanons #headcanons