#zivan | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hello-eeveev · 6 days

Text

How to Rest Director's Commentary—Chapter 6

It’s here it’s here! The big finale!!!

This chapter is arguably my favorite of the whole fic (though choosing between them all is a bit like choosing a favorite child). It’s just so happy. It makes me so happy. It’s just so full of love, and I’m really excited to talk about it!

(spoiler warning for the entirety of How to Rest)

A couple of things happened to Caleb on the way home from the market.

Don’t ask me why I styled the opening sentence of this chapter after the Sondheim musical A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum; I could not tell you. I have never seen it, I don’t know what it’s about, but I did spend my teenage years obsessed enough with musical theater to have heard its name floated about and I dunno I think it’s got a nice mouthfeel.

“A message from Zivan Margolin,” [Astrid] said. “Welcome to Soltryce Academy, Professor Widogast. We look forward to working with you this fall.” She paused for a long moment before continuing, her voice softer, more sincere. “Congratulations, old friend.”

Astrid is not Margolin’s messenger, but I think she would not be completely out of the loop regarding Caleb’s hiring, what with the historic connection between Soltryce Academy and the Archmage of Civil Influence, and would be able to work her way into being the one to tell Caleb of his hiring if she wanted. And I wanted her to because 1) I love her, and 2) I like giving Astrid a little space to be human and to try to have a friendly relationship with Caleb again. I wanted her to switch off her formal voice and replace it with a more genuine one. Because she took up Ikithon’s position almost immediately after removing herself from under his thumb, it is more than likely that she is still splitting herself in two, though at least she has more control over this situation than the last. But she is trying to be more than the Volstrucker Ikithon made her, and giving Caleb some good news and congratulating him on it is part of that journey.

And I know that 25 words—only 3 of which are actually her own—are not nearly enough to explore all of that, but she has been a background player in this fic and I wanted her to make an appearance and unfortunately, every time she comes up, I have so many thoughts about her. Here’s a post about that.

Essek stood in the living room, turned away. His hand rested on the back of the couch, and the edges of his travelling cloak rustled in the sudden shift of air. He looked over his shoulder at Caleb’s entrance. The early evening light shone over his nose and hair and cheekbone, casting the edges of him in gold. He smiled. “Hello, Caleb Widogast.”

Look at that dramatic entrance! What an image he strikes!! Handsome boy!!!

But on a functional level, this is one of those visual tropes that I like in TV and movies, and I think it aids the pacing to have a moment to slow down and take in the scene—Essek’s clothing, the time of day, how recently he arrived—before they rush at each other. It adds a little drama, builds some anticipation, it’s a good time.

Caleb always prepared Unseen Servant on market days.

One fun part of this chapter was considering what magic Caleb might use in his day-to-day, and I thought that Unseen Servant would be great for a scrawny wizard who would like to put his groceries away quickly so he can get back to nerd business. Would that I could do the same.

As they moved through the narrow spaces between table and cupboard, they nudged past each other in with soft touches to backs and hips and shoulders, the routine of it hardly a thought while they chatted about what had happened since they had seen each other last.

More often than not, How to Rest is about the little intimacies and the ways in which Essek and Caleb are growing their lives around each other. Compare how monumental every little touch was in Chapter 1 to it being a passing mention here while they catch up and do chores. There is so much love in being comfortable with another person. Even though this chapter has other bigger moments of romantic love, moments like these are not to be discounted either.

He had a house that he had lived in for over a year now. He knew the quickest path to and from the market, which he took with little variation and without fear of being followed. He had a spell he used specifically to help him put groceries away.

Much of How to Rest is also about settling in, finding and creating peace within your life, because with that comes rest, which is what Caleb and Essek have been desperately in need of for years. Not just the kind that restores spells slots, but the kind that lets you breathe and live (hi my name is eve and i live up to its meaning)

For Caleb, I think rest is found in routines and rituals, in security, and in magic both awe-inspiring and completely ordinary. So that’s what I gave him. mwah. love you, buddy.

He knew which cupboard his oats belonged in and how to operate the Vault of Amber where he stored his milk so it wouldn’t spoil.

To the two commenters who independently needed to talk about Caleb keeping his milk in a Vault of Amber: I love you. I love you so much. It will never not make me laugh that—out of everything in this chapter—this line I wrote in about two seconds and didn’t think about again was enough to warrant two whole comments. It is genuinely so funny and delightful.

But to give you a breakdown of my thought process for this detail:

Vault of Amber has refrigeration properties.

It requires five pieces of amber that merge into one upon completion of the spell.

Bruh, can you imagine a refrigerator the size of a pebble???

His heart swelled with an emotion too big to breathe around. It was warm and light, and it ached, insisting that any distance from Essek was too far apart. Just in the other room wasn’t close enough; Caleb wanted to be near him for as long as their scant few hours would allow, to hold him and enjoy his company until he vanished into thin air once more.

Even though Caleb has accepted and made peace with their weird long distance relationship situation, it doesn’t fully remove the longing that comes with being apart or the intensity of the reuniting. And right now, Caleb is having a moment of realizing that despite the brevity of his visits, Essek has incorporated Caleb’s home and life into his own and that when Caleb said he wanted it to be a home base for Essek, Essek took that to heart. To put it into words a little earlier than Caleb does, right now he is feeling how much Essek loves him and how much he loves Essek, and it’s kind of a lot.

“Hello, dear,” he said. “Hallo.”

Me when the wizards say hi: 🥺

Caleb nodded and dropped a kiss between Essek’s eyes, delighting in the way Essek laughed and squeezed them shut. He hoisted himself up and over the back of the couch and lowered himself onto the seat beside him.

It’s fun to write some playful, unserious moments for them, too. Silliness is essential to one’s health.

“It is well-earned. I am very happy for you. In fact, I have something for this very occasion.” He pulled away to reach into his component pouch, and with a flourish of his free hand, his arcane chest appeared at his feet. He opened it and pulled out a thick, square-shaped bundle wrapped in crepe paper and twine. He held it out to Caleb. “Here. This is for you.”

THE OUTFIT!!!! I thought harder about this outfit than I have about any outfit for anything I’ve written and probably anything I’ve drawn. Fashion is something I find very interesting when it is presented to me (Bernadette Banner’s youtube channel was one of my 2020 binges), but is not so much something I consider much of my own accord. But I wanted this outfit to have a lot of meaning. I wanted it to be built of things Essek picked up during his travels because he was thinking about him. Caleb mentioned once that he needed a new wardrobe for teaching and Essek took that on as a sidequest. I did a lot of research in Explorer’s Guide to Wildemount and on the internet to find inspiration for what each piece would look like and where in Wildemount it would come from.

I wanted the textiles to be mostly wool, cotton, and linen, but with a few silk details. More practical fabrics because they are, well, practical. And Caleb is the son of farmers. But some silk because he is allowed to be a bit fancy. Everything is of extremely high quality. It is what he deserves.

I didn’t want it to be reds, maroons, and browns because while Caleb looks great in those colors, he has plenty of them already. Something cooler would contrast nicely with the reds in his hair and bring out the blue of his eyes.

So let’s break down each piece (in order of appearance, not of purchase):

…a coat made from a dark forest green tweed and lined with silk […] and dark brown trousers of the same make as the coat.

Both of these pieces were commissioned and purchased in Yrrosa, which is a town located in a snowy part of the Zemni Fields. With this information, I figured that it isn’t a wild assumption that they might raise sheep there and use their wool for textile. While it isn’t the richest town, it doesn’t seem to be exceedingly poor either, so I imagine that Essek was able to find a good tailor with some fine tweeds to make Caleb’s coat and trousers.

…a white linen shirt with traditional Zemnian whitework embroidery on the collar and cuffs.

The shirt was the first garment Essek purchased once he got the idea. After that first date, he went down to Feolinn and bought a plain white linen shirt to be a staple in Caleb’s wardrobe. Later, whether it was through Caleb or his own travels, Essek learned of the style of whitework embroidery practiced in more rural areas of the Zemni Fields and decided to have someone embroider the shirt with that style.

There wasn’t time to describe the whitework in detail, but I was inspired by Schwalm whitework, which is a style of embroidery that originated in the early 19th century in Germany. I think it is so so beautiful and I really wanted to include it somehow. Here is an article that gives you an overview of Schwalm whitework and some examples, and here is an image of a men’s shirt that helped me place the embroidery.

…a waistcoat made of rich purple brocade.

The waistcoat is from Nicodranas. The Menagerie Coast and the Concord were not involved in the War of Ash and Light, so I imagine Essek feels a bit freer to commission something with a bit of Dynasty flair here than anywhere else.

When Essek was in Nicodranas, I fancy the idea of him consulting with Veth (and maybe Jester if he catches her there?) about the gift, and Veth, knowing that Essek would have limited funds and always being willing to spend money on Caleb, decided to split the costs with Essek. Maybe she knows a good tailor in the city, or maybe she brought Essek to Marion to find one. Veth is probably the best chance at sneakily getting Caleb’s measurements, or at least getting them without suspicion.

I didn’t specify a design for the brocade, so nothing’s set in stone, but I think it could be fun if there were some geometric elements to it. Or even if it had the more naturalistic patterns most brocades seem to have, they could be grouped in a way that evokes a pentagonal shape, like the face of a dodecahedron.

…a set of bronze cufflinks with an intricately carved dodecahedron on each face. […] Caleb held it up to the light, and as he turned it, the metal suddenly seemed to turn purple and a rainbow of colors shimmered across its surface, like oil on top of water. He rolled the cufflink between his fingers and watched as the color shifted—gold to purple, purple to gold.

Gwardan, my beloved! An elvish city in a temperate area near the mountains and not far from the ocean with a unique and beautiful artistic tradition!! I need to go there!!!

I took some liberty with the description of steamcast metal, as it is only described as having a ‘prismatic shimmer’ and I needed more detail for how close and intimate the narration is during this section. So I thought about prisms refracting light and creating rainbows, then about rainbows in oil slicks and how metal reflects light and color and lenticular prints and iridescence. Then I decided on bronze because I think it’s a beautiful metal and purple because it is the best color.

Caleb shucked off his clothes and began changing right there in the living room. Essek shook his head and turned his gaze upwards. Caleb didn’t care if Essek saw him in his smallclothes, but he wouldn’t begrudge him his sense of modesty.

Essek is not embarrassed, per se. He would have had to get over that pretty quick during their wizards’ Aeor trip, what with close quarters, infrequent privacy, and relying on each other for medical care. It’s really nothing he hasn’t seen before.

But like, there’s a time and a place for getting undressed, and Essek doesn’t consider the middle of the living room one of them. And even if it were, what else is he supposed to do with his eyes? Close them? Stare? Awkward.

Essek was still paying attention; once Caleb had put on his new trousers and buttoned his shirt up halfway, Essek moved in front of him and placed his hands in the path of Caleb’s. Instead of moving on to the next button, Caleb’s hands alighted on Essek’s wrists and followed them up as Essek deftly and delicately fastened each button. He turned the collar down and smoothed the fabric over Caleb’s shoulders and down his arms, then took Caleb’s hands and lifted them to chest level. He tapped his index finger against the back of Caleb’s hand, and a box floated between them.

Bruh 🥺

The closeness and the intimacy. This section is almost the entire reason for the non-sexual intimacy tag because it’s just so—

It’s not what I think of as obviously romantic, but that’s what makes it romantic. If that makes sense? Maybe it’s not even romantic at all. It’s just comfortable. Content. Caring. But it’s still intense and meaningful, even if it doesn’t have the same heart-pounding excitement of their early relationship.

I have always loved the way writers, romance writers in particular, are able to slow down scenes and convey that feeling of tunnel vision that comes when you’re near someone you like. There has to be an attention to detail and a keen visualization that can be hard to achieve sometimes. You can’t fudge things or handwave them away like you might when the narration is quicker or more distant. Everything must feel deliberate but natural. It’s not always easy, but when it’s pulled off, it’s great. I’m very proud of the writing I did here.

“In the winter maybe, when the semester is over, we can go and celebrate. If it is safe for you, of course.” Essek pressed a kiss to Caleb’s cheek. “I shall plan on it.”

Caleb is hedging around making a definitive plan, worried about pressuring Essek on accident and not wanting to set himself up for disappointment. But Essek is fully ready to make a plan because he knows where he’s going to be come winter and he’s dropping a little hint as to what his news might be (but Caleb doesn’t have any context for this and misses it.)

but I didn’t miss it >:)

readers, you must know that every time I do a little foreshadowing or allusion or implication, I am tapping my fingertips together and ehehe-ing like the least threatening cartoon villain. this is enrichment for me.

Caleb turned around and took a step back, holding his arms away from his sides to show off the whole outfit.

Modeling is a skill that Caleb does not possess.

Essek looked him over from head to toe, his mouth pressed into a line as he considered. When his eyes met Caleb’s again, his expression softened, and Caleb caught a glimpse of his lower lip caught against a sharp tooth. “You look very beautiful.” Caleb’s breath caught, and heat crept from beneath his collar all the way up to his cheeks. He cleared his throat, glancing away for a moment to regain his composure.

Caleb was asking how the outfit looked on him, but instead Essek compliments his whole self, and it’s so unexpected and so flattering that Caleb bluescreens a little bit.

And if I am remembering correctly, this is the first time either of them have outwardly called the other beautiful, or any compliment of the like, even though they have thought it often. Essek has implied it, by complimenting his outfit in Chapter 1 and his hair and eyes in Chapter 3, but now he’s saying it directly and without shame. I don’t think Caleb is necessarily cognizant of of all that, but he has a subconscious understanding and definitely feels its impact.

“Archmage Becke has insinuated to me that Ludinus has become engaged in a new project that has diverted his attention away from me entirely.”

This is great news for Essek! Bad news for Exandria because Ludinus decided that the moon and killing the gods was more important than his former co-conspirator who’s hardly shown his face in the last two years.

I’m not sure if the timing works out (based on the little bit of digging I did just now, it doesn’t seem to), but I like to think that this is when Liliana showed up to the Ruby Vanguard and Ludinus’s plans really started to take shape. Uh-oh!

“For the time being, if I am careful, I am a free man. And I’ve grown rather tired of running from place to place.”

Essek: I’m tired.

The Avatar: The Last Airbender super fan sleeper agent in my head, activated: THEN YOU SHOULD REST. A MAN NEEDS HIS REST.

“So…” He trailed off, his eyes searching Caleb’s—eager still, but brimming with an unspoken question. “If you will have me, I would like to spend the time I have here. With you.”

Essek is excited and he knows Caleb will be excited, which is why he feels comfortable showing up unannounced with the intention to stay, but he is still exercising caution. He’s trying to gauge if this is still something Caleb wants now that he is presented with the reality of it. It is. He’s not guaranteeing that forever is a sure thing, but for now, for as long as possible, he can be here.

His vision was fixed on Essek, here in the living room with his back to the front door, as if he had just come home after a long day, and Caleb was sent reeling with the realization that maybe he had.

That’s right, a visual framing in this written medium!!! Positioning the POV so that the front door is behind Essek to reinforce the idea that he has come home.

“Welcome home, Essek.” Essek’s eyes glistened. “It is good to be home, Caleb Widogast.”

HE’S HOME. THEY'RE HOME. TOGETHER! WITH EACH OTHER!!! I AM PUNCHING THE WALLS!!!

“I love you,” Essek said. “I hope you know that.” Caleb stilled. It was a held breath, finally released. The resolution of a chord. I love you. An expected ending—the natural transition into the next refrain, but no less beautiful for it. I love you.

I love a music metaphor. I love music! You know when there’s a chord or a progression that has tension and you can hear how that should resolve? And then it does? That’s good stuff. And I thought it would be a good comparison to the feeling in this scene. As I said when I discussed Essek’s “oh” moment last chapter, I never intended for love to take either of them by surprise, but even so, it doesn’t lessen the impact of the realization. Good music can feel a lot like that. Like, of course that makes sense to the ear, but you still get chills or you gotta move your body because it resonates. Big fan of resonance. As a physical concept and as an emotional one.

The feeling had lain dormant for so long, but now, acknowledged and given a name, it bloomed throughout Caleb’s entire body and reached for the light that was Essek. He followed it forward, nuzzling Essek’s cheek, catching the corner of Essek’s lips with his own. “I love you,” he murmured. Essek leaned into the touch. “And I love you.”

Caleb has loved Essek for a while now, but naming it and expressing it—and knowing that it is returned—he experiences it with more clarity. It’s not necessarily of a greater intensity than the moment near the start of the chapter, but it is a different experience of it. Instead of a longing ache or a yearning, he is filled with elation because Essek is in love with him and he is in love with Essek. He knows this now, and when he reaches for him, Essek will be there.

Essek was silent, his face still in a way that usually meant he was working through some new emotion. It occurred to Caleb that this was perhaps the first place Essek had had of his own, to do with as he pleased, since his towers in Rosohna. He stepped beside Essek and placed a hand between his shoulder blades. Essek took a deep breath. “This is wonderful, Caleb. Thank you.”

My purpose in giving Essek his own room as opposed to sharing with Caleb was initially to keep continuity with On the Nature of Attraction, yes, but then I had to think about why I made that choice in the first place, and it’s more than just narrative convenience. Essek is a known introvert, and in my experience as an introvert (with a generous helping of neurodivergence that I dump onto Essek without specificity), having a place I can retreat to where I can decompress without the presence of other people, even people whom I like immensely, is beneficial to my health and well-being. I’m sure Caleb enjoys that privacy and would want Essek to have it as well.

Essek has been travelling from place to place for the better part of the last year, and prior to that, he was in charge of a very small outpost in the middle of nowhere. The lack of a place for himself and to himself is destabilizing. And with the fact that he must keep his identity secret everywhere he goes, there is a lot of importance in having a space that is not just where he can be alone, but that is representative of himself as well. I think that is key in making the house feel like Essek’s home too, not just Caleb’s.

“It is no Tower, but it is permanent, and it is safe, and it is yours.”

I decided against the Tower making an appearance in this last chapter for several reasons. First, there is the practical: a room being reliant on you casting a 7th level spell every day will be inconsistent. The Tower is a luxury that I’m sure Caleb uses often, but there may very well be days where he uses up his high level spell slots or wants to save them for emergencies and in those cases, it is worth it to have a real, physical space that he is comfortable in. This leads me to the second reason, which is that part of the point of Essek creating a home here is for consistency and the security that comes with that. Can he have that if he is relying on Caleb to create and design his space on a daily basis?

“Are you tutoring tomorrow?” “I am.” A pit formed in his stomach. “But you have only just gotten here. I can reschedule it, if you’d like.” Essek shook his head. “No need. I will be here when you return.”

Here, that instinct to make Essek the absolute number one priority, to the detriment of everything else, crops up, an understandable reaction to Essek popping in without much notice or time to spare. But that’s not the case anymore. Caleb will see Essek when he wakes tomorrow and when comes home after work. And the same will happen tomorrow, and for as many days as they are able.

At the end of the hall, before splitting off into their separate rooms, they stopped. It was a scene that had played out dozens of times before, but now—instead of the pats on arms and short hugs of Aeor, or the bittersweet goodbyes before an indefinite separation—Caleb took Essek by the hand and pulled him close.

And here we are, bringing this story to a close by bringing it full circle. It is another parting, yes, but the angst of previous partings is gone. The separation is only a few feet and a couple hours. Lingering at the doorway is an indulgence they can freely partake in, without awkwardness or anxiety. They will go to bed and rest, safe in the knowledge that tomorrow, they will wake in a house that is theirs, where the person they love resides.

asldfaslkdjfljskdfjlk How to Rest, my most dearly beloved! It has been such a joy to work on over the last year and a half, and I’m just… really proud of it. I had to talk about it because writing and wizards excite me and I wanted to share that excitement.

Thank you all who have read the fic and read the commentaries. I hope it’s been a fun journey for you as well!

#last one last one!#i love this chapter! it's so fun!!!#we're tying the whole fic together!!!!!#and here's where I get to break down the ~outfit~#which was a big motivator for doing this whole director's commentary project ngl #shadowgast #caleb widogast #essek thelyss #long post #eve talks #eve’s writing #how to rest #how to rest director's commentary #chattering at birds

4 notes · View notes