technically-life

[technically-life]

STORYTIME: Ben&Ben's Music and A Guy (Agay! Masakit, char)

Note: A Sabaw Letter

Met this guy around 4 years ago. We're just the casual "Hi" and "Bye" kind. We never even had long conversations at the beginning until we found ourselves alone in the room. We had a little chat since we had to stay there until someone arrives or comes back. We were awkward to a point that the silence is much longer than our actual conversation so I had to pretend to be sleeping again and put my earphones on. So he asked what I was listening and at that time I was so hooked to local indie music (up until now tho) and I had DAHILAN and LEAVES on repeat for months. He wasn't familiar to the band and I casually said, "Di ko musician in any form but I just know na musikat ni sila" and I go back to sleep (LOL).

A week after that event, we're still on the casual and formal "Hi" but it seems that we bump into each other pretty often (char teleserye gurl?). I got a little curious about him but not a level where I ask or follow his whereabouts. Fastforward to BIBINGKA (mas nauna ko kadungog ani kaysa LEAVES), it wasn't Christmas time yet but he asked for reco's so I said try to listen to BIBINGKA (it wasn't the polished version yet) but told him to give it a try. After a while, he gave out his feedback and that's how our friendship started I guess.

I believe that meeting and knowing each other helped a lot in baring out the mask we wore for years. I must admit, he was the breather I needed at that time. But the thought of finding comfort in him also scares me. So I went cold and distanced myself coz I was so afraid to cross the line. There was even a time where I refuse to talk. I was kind of douche for giving out cold shoulders when I shouldn't have. I was confused.

Fastforward to 2019, everything went smooth. I was so tired of running away and just accepted the fact that I fell for him. I'm still a scaredy cat so I didn't tell him. This time, going out despite the busy schedules has been a thing. But we're not "it". We just hang out to release the stress and to breathe. Until the day I had to leave. I told him what I felt without expecting in return. Get on with our own lives and so I thought maybe that was it. Til we reconnected again and made his way out. I can still remember where it was (Burger King) and while waiting for our order, he held my hand and told me "he missed me" (awiiit cringy! 😂🤭 enough of my karupukan and kalandian). But I was awkward towards him again. Driving away my thoughts (nakamove on na nga di ba?) I wasn't ready to talk about the things I said before I left but we became closer than before after that Burger King night. We even waited together (virtually) for the release of "Masyado Pang Maaga" and exchange thoughts of how the song meant for us.

2019 was also a tough year for me but it somehow got lighter when I found myself a job just before the year ends. I've been real busy and he made an effort to really check up on me. Even sent little treats in the office. The rollercoaster just goes on for years and for the years to come (hopefully not). We were struggling both in work and our daily battles with life. So I told him that it's better for us to stop whatever it is we had. We were so caught up with life and maybe it's high time for us to fix and heal ourselves first. Then came March of this year, where I resigned from my post. Had a little roadtrip with him and it was LIFETIME where we fell silent and asked the same question too. 'Was there a lifetime waiting for us?' Maybe the reason why we hit it off was because we're the 'lost ones' who find comfort in each other. In the course of our journey, it was me who wanted him but also me not wanting to take a leap of faith. I didn't want to take a risk. Indirectly telling him that for years I believed that we could've been "it" until I became uncertain. We have the good and bad altogether It's too good to be true but we were too lost for each other. We had a good run and all I want right now is to start anew and heal.

With Lots of Love, Fickled Heart Girl D.

#Ben&Ben #Lifetime #Storytime #Technicallylife #Lost Soul #Choice #PerhapsLove #Healing

[technically-life]

A Letter to my Suicidal Friends

"This is not to invalidate what you feel. It's okay to not be okay."

Hi, how have you been? I haven't heard from you for quite awhile now. I hope you're doing well in life. If not, I'm truly sorry for not knowing. I'm sorry for not asking how 's things going your way. It must've been tough for the past days, months, or maybe even years. By the way, I would like to let you know that despite all you went through, you still hang in there. I'm proud of you.

I do hope and pray that you'll have people cheering you up. I hope that you felt their love and support. If you feel so lonely. If it feels like you're on the brink of calling it quits, please know I'm still here. Whether we're close or not, or our friendship is going through rough patch. I'm here. I'll try to listen as much as I can. I won't be of much help but it's the least I could do for you. I want you to feel that you're not fighting alone. If you'd allow, I'll fight your battles with you.

This is not to judge or invalidate you in any form. Your feelings is valid. This is me trying to remind you to value your life as much as I value your existence. You're a gift to some people surrounding you. You're a gift to me and I'm forever grateful for meeting you. I'm in no position to scold you 'cause it's the least you needed at this moment.

I may not know the reason to your pains, I may not understand where you're coming from but I feel you. I went through hardships in life too. I know how it feels to have no one to turn to. I also thought of ending my life too but I'm fighting my way through. And up until now, I'm still trying to cope and heal. I will not tell you that things will get easier 'cause there are still inevitable episodes that will waver your progress.

You may not recognize it, but a lot of people is waiting for you to come up to them and say what you truly feel. It may be a family, friend, or even a stranger. But if you can't find anyone to turn to, don't hesitate to come up to me. It's my pleasure to help. Please, don't take your life. You're too precious to put an end to it. There's more to life for you. You are worthy. You deserve all the love in this world. Let go of your self-hate and guilt. It doesn't have to make sense now or it may not made sense yet. One day, it will. Just trust and pray. I'm rooting for your healing. Take my hand, let's heal together.

Lots of Love,

D.

[technically-life]

Kadonneellee kaverille

"We were young then. Love wasn't a priority..."

I was young back then. I didn't exactly know what love truly is. All I know at that time was how to survive school with no complications. I'm always okay with being a bystander. A supporting role. The one out of many who contributed to the 'audience impact'. To put it simply, I'm a bleacher girl. Not the one who cheers, but that one who sits nonchalantly. I never knew much of the world outside my bubble. I'm always at the safe zone trying not to make any ruckus.

Then I met you. The odds must've been on my side for allowing me to do my mission smoothly (knowing you). I don't know much about you not even those trivial things. I even had hard time recalling how you look like. At that time, I wasn't allowed to fall for you. So I had to build up sturdy walls and lock my heart up. I had to keep in mind the very reason of knowing you (to have revenge).

But your character piqued my interest even more. The love-hate relationship between us just grew more than I could ever imagine. We started off not knowing common facts about each other. We couldn't even recall past encounters with each other. WE'RE COMPLETE STRANGERS! and that's crazy knowing that we know almost everybody in the bloc. Later on, we exchange banters and always getting reprimanded for fighting over little stuff.

We made a truce. A ceasefire to our pointless and unending arguments. We became chill with each other with of course, occasional banters. You weren't as bad as I expected you'd be. Then I came to ask myself was it a wrong move? Slowly, I became used to your presence. Slowly, I get to know the side of you I was skeptical about. At that time, I felt like we've had deeper understanding of each other that no one could ever know of us.

I didn't exactly know what love is. It took long for me to accept that I did fall for you. It wasn't part of the plan. Before you, I mapped out everything that's about to happen and follow them accordingly. That is why I was torn between going with the flow to keep you or calling it quits to stop whatever emotional attachment that keeps getting stronger. You put up with my on and off moods pretty well.

We were young then. Love wasn't a priority. I didn't regret the decisions I have to make at that time. But if I were to go back, I wish I was a little braver then. I wish I had the courage to tell you how I truly feel regardless of how you would react. And in my dire desire to have the best of both worlds, I lost both. I lost the budding friendship with you. I lost you. It took me years to move on from you. The thought of meeting you again someday keeps me going. The thought of you motivates me to do better. But like what they would always say, 'the only constant thing in this world is change'. We changed. I changed. I no longer long for you. I no longer wish for us to have another shot at what they call love.

If we ever meet, I'd like to thank you for being a huge part of my growth as a person. I once wept because of you. I still didn't know what love truly is but by meeting you, I came to realize that it's not necessary to be with someone you adore. It's okay if you are no longer friends. It's okay if you forego the chance of actually being together. It's okay if you weren't able to express how you truly felt before you lost it. I just know that you're better off with someone else. That you deserve better and that you're bound for greater things. I'm okay with seeing you from afar. Your happiness is also my happiness. I think, it's also love.

photo: not mine (from a clip from Papertowns)

[technically-life]

I'm so low in spirit at this very moment. Another episode of anxiety is at it again but I believe and trust my God. I know, He will help me get through everything I went through right now. I know, He's with me through and through. 💕

[technically-life]

Words: Diana Argote

Story Time:

I came across this series way back in college. I remember being an "abangers" for an episode release on their facebook page (but you can now watch the series on their youtube channel). Up until now, I still find it relevant. It was one of those stories that hits home where at some point, you find resemeblance to each of the characters.Believe me or not, I would sometimes binge watch the entire series (I'm such a fan). 🥰💕

Disclaimer: The clips attached at the bottom part were taken from an Online Anthology Series (Ang Walang Katapusang Sequel) made by Antrosinglaya Company. I am in no way affiliated to the guild. You can also search them up in Facebook and Youtube.

Lots of Love,

D. 😘

[technically-life]

A Letter I Wish To Tell People

P.S. this was written at the start of pandemic a year ago. It has been a struggle but I must say, I survived. So to all that’s been struggling too, just hang in there.

Lots of Love,

D. 

[technically-life]

[technically-life]

TRUEST DESIRE

It's been over a week since I resigned. For the past week also, I have been staying indoors and that means me not going out beyond the borders of our house. Honestly, there are really times that I'd space out and think about life in general. Am I being too impulsive with my decisions? Am I being too selfish knowing that there's a huge responsibility that I have to carry over. But I believe that everything has a purpose, that everything that has happened are bound to happen.

I'm not religiously religious kind of person but I do believe in the supreme Being. That He is somewhere out there manifesting Himself to us in so many ways. I always relied on Him most especially on times where I felt like I'm on my own. Just by the thought of Him calms me down. It's like Him saying that I was not alone and I will never be alone 'cause He will always be there through and through. As He promised.

So here's really my tea, yesterday during my early morning "poop moments", I looked up and said a little prayer that goes like this "I may not know how to get there right now, but I'm certain as to where I'd like to be." I asked God, if ever called for a job offer, I hope that the first to call will be something that I will surely love and that I'd definitely stay on a long-term basis. That same day, someone called and informed me about a job interview which by the way scheduled early this day. Right after that, I prayed that I hope I will ace the interview which I also think I somehow did.

At 6pm, I attended a mass and what struck me is really the gospel about the story of a sick man who's been sick for so long and was asked by Jesus if he wanted to be well. The officiating priest shared this beautiful message about today's gospel (which I wrote immediately) "God already know what we want but Jesus wants us to articulate what it is the we want in life, what it is that we desire the most. So that we would know if it is also the desires of God for us." He also added that despite the lists of desires we'd like to come true, may we find our heart's truest desire. And hopefully, it is aligned to God's plan for each of us.

P.S. I'm still waiting for another call and hopefully this will be it 🙏🙏🙏

Lots of Love,

D.

[technically-life]

Stories I'd Like To Share (001)

[technically-life]

I've been randomly taking photos of my nightly walks after work for the past weeks. It has become a routine and a therapy in a way but last friday was my last day at work which also means that I have to go back to my hometown. I may be living on my own in this strangely quiet place for the past year but feels like home more than my supposedly "home". Maybe because home to me isn't a place nor people of same bloodline. Maybe home to me is where I can just be truest self - and that's where I'm all alone. Hey, I missed myself, I missed myself but I'll carry on. 💕

[technically-life]

I wish you knew that those were meant for you. I may not be able to tell it to you directly but I do appreciate you. And if there's another lifetime, I'd like to meet you in there. I'd like you to be part of it too. 'Cause maybe in that lifetime, the timing will be just right. It's nice knowing you and see you around anytime soon.

[technically-life]

P.S. (this is for you)

[technically-life]

We may not recognize each other whenever our paths would cross again. But one thing is for sure, you must be someone special to be on my annual list of reminders (used to be, I think).

[technically-life]

When Life Happens (Part 1)

How would you respond to an event that robbed your childhood?

What happens when life manifest itself to you? It wasn't like the ones we’ve seen in fantasy and fairytales nor 'the-one-you-read-in-books kind of thing. Honestly, I do not know the exact timeline of the occurrence of these events but let me share to you a part of my childhood which I believe shaped my personality.

I was about four and was so excited to be entering kindergarten to meet new friends when life happened. It was around the year 2000 when we (alongside my brother) were almost kidnapped. I could remember how I went to a strangers' house to spend a night or two before hopping unto the next "safe place". It was also during that time where I have to be separated from the rest of the family so we could all be safe. I even remembered being rejected by relatives to stay at their place until everything would normalize but I was too young to understand things then. It was supposed to be playing under the sun or sleeping in the afternoon so I’d grow tall but it wasn’t.

I was fourteen when things started to make sense. 2011, it was also the time where the case was hereby declared closed. 11 years, that's how it took for the justice system of the country to be finally served. My mom then went on to meet me and let me know that they won the case. It was also at that time where she asked about the things I remembered eleven years ago. I told her everything I recalled in my memory and then asked if I ever remember going to a shrink for months to undergo therapy or me inside the courtroom but that's a memory I could not recollect at all. It seems like the deleted scenes of the storyline that I’m curious to know about. 

I'm turning twenty-five this year and looking back,  what happened was actually a traumatic experience. The young ones involved in that incident years ago actually lived completely different lives. I do not know about the rest of the involved parties but as for me, I think I’m doing okay.

In conclusion, I personally do not think that what happened years back has affected me negatively. But I must admit, I do have hard time letting people in to my life. Every time I open up, I just had this urge to really shut people out. And as much as I wanted to share to them my vulnerabilities I’m also scared they’d think of me as weak.

Lots of Love,

-D

#technicallylife #life #stories

[technically-life]

Today marks the week where I no longer have to wake up early for an 8:00AM-5:00PM job. No plans just yet but whatever comes my way, I'm ready to take on the challenge. Honestly, I'm not used to not having anything to do but weird enough, the feeling is at the same time liberating. I can't really point out the reasons as to why I felt so relieved with my decisions. It's partly haphazardly and impulsively thought of. Submitting the resignation letter was I think one of the most scary and terrifying thing do.

I did enjoy my short stay. I really learned a lot and I think, there's more to it. But leaving the company is a decision I made months back. But regardless of the outcome, at least I was able to give it my all.

Lots of love,

-D

[technically-life]

Why do you look so lonely?

Hi, I don't see myself as a lonely person (I guess). I think, I found it therapeutic for me to be on my own when the world for me seems a bit chaotic. While it's good to figure things out on your own, I hope you have people to turn to whenever you feel so down and lost. Lots of love 💕

[technically-life]