temple-of-anxiety

[temple-of-anxiety]

Logging out for awhile for my own safety. For anyone who follows me.

[temple-of-anxiety]

Funny how my manipulative, mentally and emotionally abusive, who also has a violent history with alcohol is still better than my mother.

[temple-of-anxiety]

[temple-of-anxiety]

I can't stop thinking. About you. About us. About me. This doesn't feel right. We should be trying harder. They say, that the way you act and handle the rough times together will determine how well you two work together. Am I not doing enough? I've offered all of my support that I can give. I'm always here. You don't even reach out though. Am I not enough? Do you simply not want to talk to me? I'm driving myself crazy, I constantly think about us. Maybe now isn't the right time to be in a relationship? But why? We can still talk. We did it before. Why is this time so hard? Why wont you talk to me? Why dont you go out of your way to talk to me? You're not telling me anything and I'm not sure where to go anymore. It feels like we've drifted a part so much, and it hurts to see. Its as though you've begun to fall out of love. Am I looking too far into it? Is that even wrong when I have nothing to go off of? I don't know anymore. I don't know where to go. I've asked and I've asked and I've asked and its always the same responses, then everything goes back to just how it was before. I'm obviously upset. Do you not care? You seem to hardly even care when I have a tough day. Its always about you. Its never even about us anymore. A relationship takes two people. Feels like theres only me right now. God I wish you'd talk to me.

[temple-of-anxiety]

when you’re in the middle of writing and completely forget where you’re heading

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Everything is so wrong on so many levels. Non of this was supposed to happen. Nothing has gone according to plan. Nothing's right. I'm having nightmares. Really bad fucking nightmares. But at least I finally got some sleep right? Just to come back to this harsh fucking reality where my lover is in major danger and not just mentally? Where I've been outted and no longer feel safe or comfortable in my own home? Where our society is going fucking insane and its no longer safe to walk alone? Where I have to see the new cuts ive made across my own skin? Where my relationship is holding on by a single fucking thread and my heart is slowly breaking into a million pieces as everything begins to fall a part because of a stupid ass insane woman who wants to destroy whatever is left of her kids happiness? Where I'm rather quickly losing all of the friends I had left? Right. Thats what I fucking woke up to. And apparently thats supposed to be okay.

[temple-of-anxiety]

i walk a fine line between healing and self-destruction. 

part of me wants to heal. to find out who i am and learn to love that person. to rid myself of the anxieties that keep me stagnant. 

but another part wants nothing more than to embrace the darkness. to run into its wide opened arms and let it consume me. to give it permission to end me entirely. 

[temple-of-anxiety]

I want so badly to run away with you. Alone, to a city full of endless possibilities. On a cold night, when the stars and the moon are out to play. When everyone's asleep and city is quiet and we feel like there's no one but us in this world. I want to run away with you and never look back. Not for a single second. I want to run until the sun starts to rise and we're somewhere new, running off of cold coffees in hoodies two sizes two big, hand in hand. I want to run away with you and start again. I want to go somewhere, anywhere, where I can love you freely. Where we can both breathe and be ourselves and be happy.

The day can't seem to come soon enough. But I know it will one day. And one day everything will be as it should. And we'll be happy, in our own world. Supporting ourselves and living the lives we were meant to live.

#ill love you forever #just you and me

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I don't know why my mom needs to constantly remind me that im- *ahem* ✨spoiled✨ when im not??? At all??? And she literally just does it to make me feel like shit and it works every fucking time???? Ha maybe that's the reason why i have the issues that I do. Why im scared to be happy over anything. To show that im happy or excited or anything like that. The shit you realize just by even typing out your thoughts. Fuck.

[temple-of-anxiety]

You make me feel like such a fucking inconvenience. Little shit like this makes me so happy. So much more happy than you may ever realize and you just have to rain on the whole fucking parade. Thanks. Sorry for being so fucking terrible. Wish I could be better.

[temple-of-anxiety]

I hate it here. On this earth. In this house. In this family. In this body.

I'm tired of everything you guys fucking say to me. I don't want to be sad anymore. And I'm trying so hard to get better but you make it so hard. Why do you make it so hard? I can't go a single day without having or almost having a breakdown over something one of you said or went on about. You go out of your way to make me uncomfortable because you know what you say offends me. Why? Why do you feel the need to do this to your daughter? To treat her like this?

I wish the fighting would stop. The stupid manipulation too. It makes me feel like shit. I wish I had the guts to snap and tell you what you guys make me want to do to myself. All of the sick and twisted things I feel inside because of you. God maybe then you'd shut the fuck up and treat me with a little god damn respect. You know repsect is supposed to go both ways right?? I mean why should I ever respect you if you never respect me? Huh?

Now on top of everything else our world is seemingly falling a part. Its so stressful and I'm trying so hard to stay positive, to pass off this certain mindset and try to get everyone around me into it too but I'm a fucking liar. Im such a fucking liar its ridiculous. Im so upset. Nobody will ever understand how fuckinf upsetting it is to see everything crumble around me right when I'm at a point where i can finally live and be free after 16 fucking years of this bullshit.

I want to cry. I want to cut. And most of all I want to kill myself. Because it no longer feels as if I can get any oxygen into my lungs. I feel as though I have no real reason to live and not even my own mother is giving me any hope. Everytime I turn around she tells me something else thats bad and in her words- how the world is absolutely falling a part. Im scared. Whats the point of living a life full of fear. Not adrenalin. Fucking fear.

And god.. I dont even know how to talk to the one person I've been holding on for anymore. Your stupid ass mom has pulled us so far a part and I'm in such a bad mindset and so insecure that I doubt everything constantly. It feels like were drifting a part. Like you dont want to talk to me anymore. But i know you do you've made it so clear but it hurts so much and its so hard holding onto us the way that we have to. I know its worth it though. Its just so fucking hard. And im so tired of hearing the same shit from everyone about you. Because nobody understands. Yes I get to fucking see you. I GET IT. I GET how lucky i am and nobody understands how truly fucking grateful I am for that. But FUCK do they not know how HARD it is? You just sit on the sidelines and watch. Its so different to live it and sure i may have that fucking luxury. But theres so much more so much more stress so much more pain so much more everything that comes with it that nobody else realized because theyre not fucking living it. Its hard. And it beats me up every fucking day but you know what. Its worth it. And it may seem like im giving up but im not. Im hust tired. And im hurting like no fucking other. But im not going to give up on us. Because its all worth it. And itll always be worth it. But i dont know that itll ever get easier. God i sure hope it does.

#personal vent. #tw.

[temple-of-anxiety]

“I want to drink moonlight and bathe in flower petals. To wear the earth, sleep in streams, and taste the stars.”

— My soul is wild (via nonalimmen)

[temple-of-anxiety]

it's loving u hour the anon inspired me to tell u how i feel about your writing and i cannot stress enough how much i needed someone like u on my dash like. everytime i log in i made sure i saw ur posts cause they're so wholesome and make me feel alive and falling in love with the world a little bit more each day. If I had to describe you... you'd be a sunflower field. they turn toward the sun to live but if they can't find it they turn to each other instead, and really that's how lovely u are

i think this is the most beautiful simile i have ever heard in my life, i-

i really find myself at a loss for words, but for what it's worth, i almost cried 💛

i love being able to bring you even the tiniest amount of happiness or peace and knowing i managed to do so truly inspires me. i hope we can all be a sunflower field, giving each other joy and love. thank you, from the bottom of my heart ✨

[temple-of-anxiety]

[temple-of-anxiety]

I can't believe I did this to myself. Fucking stupid piece of shit. All over shit they have said to me before. I was so upset though. My feelings are valid. Right??? I shouldn't have done this though. Fuck its going to be so hard to hide. I hope it all heals well and quickly.. God I'm so fucking stupid. When will I learn my lesson. Maybe this time was bad enough to where I'll be able to hold off for awhile. Maybe get fucking better. I hope so cause I can't do this anymore. Not if its going to be as bad as it was last night. Fuck.

#tw #personal vent #Spotify

[temple-of-anxiety]

I came here to dump my feelings once again but now that I'm here it seems I've lost the words. Im so tired. I'm exhausted. From living this stupid little life of mine. Nobody likes me. God nobody likes me. The second I'm put in a situation to speak to anyone again I piss everyone off. Remind everyone why this stopped talking to me in the first place without even trying. I genuinely got so happy and excited and just like that I fell back down again. I dont know why I try at all. Serious? Why the fuck do I try when all life does it shit on me. Or maybe I'm just shitting on life. Sure as hell seems like I am anyways. Why do things have to always be so complicated? And hard? Why do things always have to go wrong? Please, I need a fucking answer because its so hard to continuously handle it.

I really did get my hopes up knowing damn well she wasnt going to let you go. God and she didnt even consider it. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it i HATE IT and I want to scream and I want to cry and I want to rip my fucking skin to shreds.

God. I wish more than anything I could be fucking normal. That people liked me and there wasnt so much wrong with me. That I could get rid of these thoughts in my head that aren't normal and I could stop fucking self harming. I feel insane. I feel alone. And I want to believe that my friends really do want to be friends with me and I dont want to be a fucking problem anymore. Thats all I'm wishing for any more. Because I cant handle it. Its been so long. Ive going through this shit for so long and im so done. Im so tired. And nobody understands. Not a single fucking person and it hurts so bad and I'm so sick and tired of wanting to end my life.

I'm so tired. Thats it. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. Ive been at this for so many fucking years. Ive been through so much shit. Fucking shit with my family. Shit with my friends. Shit with old partners. And shit with myself. Im sick of the trauma. Im sick of doubting myself. I sick of feeling stupid. Im sick of nobody understanding. Im sick of people pretending to care.

Im sick of everything.

#Spotify

[temple-of-anxiety]

Throwback thursday to when I was like 12 and I was putting out new writing DAILY...... Like entire Chapters of my then-current wips just, over an afternoon. What the fuck was I on