textsfromsafetypatrol
Texts From Safety Patrol
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Text
Vallejo: Why are you always trying to get yourself killed?
Fillmore: It’s my mission.
Vallejo: It's a possible risk of your mission. At least for most patrollers. For you, it seems to be the purpose.
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Fillmore: I’m gonna take anything said by a law enforcement agency with a grain of salt.
Wayne: Well technically now you’re part of a law enforcement agency, so... think about that.
Fillmore: ...Oh shit. I’m... but I don’t...
Wayne, snickering: Oh my god, are you having an epiphany right now?
Fillmore: Am... am I law enforcement? Am I a cop?!
Wayne, laughing: Well-
Fillmore: I don’t wanna be a cop! This is all bullshit!
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Checkmatey: Fine. I will try it once. But when it sucks and I hate it, I'm gonna hire a bunch of my fans to follow you around and scream, "Told you so, told you so" for centuries.
Fillmore: I look forward to the attention.
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Fillmore: Alistair simultaneously looks like he possesses infinite knowledge of the universe and like he just has the mii theme playing in his head nonstop.
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Thrift: So, how did you convince the whole patrol to betray me? What did you offer them?!
Wayne: I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you and they instantly said yes.
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Alistair: If a British person person is named Shaggy, does it kinda feel like being named Fucky?
Parnassus: The first time I watched Scooby-Doo I was distraught.
Alistair: That’s what I wanted to hear.
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Alistair: I swear, if a ghost kills me, I'll haunt the showers. You guys will never have hot water again.
Ingrid: We don't even have hot water now.
Alistair: Fine, I’ll haunt the bathroom stalls.
Fillmore: Why do you want to haunt a bathroom, man?
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Vallejo: I pull guys.
Malika: I pull girls.
O’Farrell: And I pull on the push door because I'm an idiot.
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Fillmore: Brad fucking Parnassus.
Parnassus: Not my middle name, but pleased to see you as well.
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Fillmore: What is stopping hackers from displaying Parnassus’ credit card number on a billboard?
Ingrid: That just isn't right. If they displayed his credit card number, the credit company would likely waive all charges made to the account and pay for it by raising fees for everyone else. If they display his DEBIT card, though, that's a direct line.
Fillmore: You. I like you.
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Vallejo: *looking at a board which says ‘0 DAYS WITHOUT NONSENSE’ Zero days without nonsense. I don't even know why I look at the board anymore.
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Wayne: Don't try to butter me sideways.
Fillmore: That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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Fillmore: I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
Ingrid: The duel has begun.
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Malika: If I got paid for every bad decision I've made, I would be one rich bitch by now.
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Ingrid: Anza probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Tehama: Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
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Anza: Either that was the best salad I've ever had, or my stomach was just happy to have something in it that wasn't Red Bull.
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Ingrid: My fellow gamer just chugged a literal gallon of hot Red Bull. My condolences to his kidneys.
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