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that-bipolar-mood · 8 days
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I find that work and studying and general busyness keep me stable and sane...
except when they don't and make everything worse
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that-bipolar-mood · 20 days
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that-bipolar-mood · 22 days
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Normal mantras vs my mantras at 3 am:
"I don't want mania. Mania is not fun. I am NOT a god."
Gripping the sink and mumbling at my chaotic reflection...
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that-bipolar-mood · 1 month
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Mostly, I take bipolar seriously, but every now and then, I become convinced a feral animal is operating my brain, screaming, "I HATE CHANGE!" while smashing the brain control panel...
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that-bipolar-mood · 2 months
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I've said this ages ago, behold, the lithium post.
"Isn't that like a battery? Is it drinkable?"
Why don't we leave the science of it behind a bit, mostly because the majority is speculation.
1. Lithium is an element, one of the original elements if you'd like. It is found in nature and even in a class of stars (how poetic is that?)
Lithium salts have been used as long ago as ancient greece, in the form of baths, where they put manic patients. It's important to understand that the greeks sometimes had a funny (try googling Plato on mania) and sometimes quite accurate view of mental illness. Also, they were pretty tolerant and humane to those affected.
Around the 1950s, it was popular again and used in the treatment of melancholia and mania. It is still considered the best in terms of effectiveness.
2. The downside, although, is that lithium is most effective in patients with mania and especially classic type. For those with bipolar 2 or rapid cycling or even mixed episodes, another stabilazor or antidepressant is generally used.
The fact that lithium is monitored by blood plasma is a good thing and a bad thing. Doctors can easily tell its effectiveness, as your body and dose are adjusted to maintain the perfect level for you. Of course, the problem is lithium intoxication, which means that the concentration of lithium in your blood surpasses the optimal levels. Basically, it becomes toxic.
This can happen when you take too much, but not necessarily. When you build up lithium levels in your blood, even as little as exercise or slight dehydration cause the levels to rise. That's why the most important thing you can do is to stay hydrated and learn about the early signs of toxicity.
3. Side effects most people experience are excessive or pronounced thirst, which goes with frequent urination. This happens because your body is trying to "wash out" the foreign substance in your blood. Followed by tremors that have a range from mild to severe. It has to be noted that in some cases, additional medicine is prescribed if the person's job requires steady hands (for example, pianists).
(Some gain weight, there's evidence of acne connected with lithium, thyroid dysfunction or malfunction that usually happens after a long periods of time, coordination problems, night vision or vision in general problems, lower libido, and plenty plenty more...)
The modern form of lithium has reduced the majority of side effects. Lithium used to be notoriously bad for tolerating in terms of side effects. This is why people nowadays are still prejudiced. Ironically, it had the least side effects for me, none from the former paragraph.
4. The dose you are on matters and should be expected to change. For instance, when you have symptoms of mania, the doctor will up the dose, and once you are back to stability, they might lower it again to avoid depression.
Probably due to toxicity, lithium has a scary reputation. What helped me in the early days was trusting the history, because it was effective for not decades, but centuries. And the memoire An Unqiet Mind, where dr. Jamison tells her journey of how lithium saved her life.
It can also be a nuisance to have your blood levels checked, especially in the beginning, as it has to be more frequent.
Overall, I'd love if you could add your experiences with lithium, your own, or someone you know, to maybe help the narrative and those looking for answers.
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that-bipolar-mood · 2 months
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I'm scared of starting Lithium. I took my first dose yesterday.
Have you been okay on Lithium? Is it scary?
hi,
yes, I have been on lithium for almost a year now.
You have to understand there are different types of it (mine is extensive release carbonate), and everyone's reaction is different (everyone else's experience doesn't necessarily apply to you)
I am sort of against looking up side effects and all that because you become biased, and it might affect treatment. However, the doctor or pharmacist should warn you about potentially dangerous side effects (so you can be on the lookout)
Now that I said that... lithium was a miracle for me. It stopped the relentless cycling, especially mania. Without mania, I don't get depressive episodes. The side effects have been very minimal and completely bearable. Most notably, hand tremors and thirst/frequent urination.
I had absolutely no weight gain or cravings, no weird hormonal problems, etc.
I believe I am alive today because of this medication. But you will find your answers in a short time. Be very careful with excessive physical activity and stay hydrated! Whatever your worries are, science and history are definitely on your side. I wish you the best of luck. Take it slow. Worse case scenario? You stop taking the med, and that's all.
Love you,
<3
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that-bipolar-mood · 3 months
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hey, my therapist thinks i might be bipolar and I’m really scared. it makes sense but it’s not something that I had thought about
I don’t know what to do what if I am bipolar??? im so worried that my friends will see me in a different way and I can’t loose them, I need them there all I have. I don’t know anyone that is bipolar and I have no support groups for bipolar disorder near me the closest one is almost 4 hours away. are people really going to see me so differently? Is being bipolar as bad as it sounds? Would meditation help or make it worse? I know nothing and I’m so worried about what’s going to happen. I know nothing about being bipolar. I’m sorry for the rambling I don’t know what to do, I’m just looking for help here.
-Axel
Hey there, sorry for my rambling, and thanks for stopping by.
Basically, I can assure you that all of us who were diagnosed went through something like this.
It's a long process, not gonna lie, but a good way to start is researching this condition. If you like books, fiction, or nonfiction (though I suggest non-fiction first), a quick google search will give you plenty of suggestions. My fav being Kay Redfield Jamieson, p.h.d. There are also movies, some more realistic than others. Probably among the top three is "Touched with Fire".
Anyway, once you get the basics and perhaps come to the conclusion that your therapist was right, you step on the path towards recovery and acceptance. (Not talking about full recovery since bipolar is a chronic condition)
1. You are still you
I know how deeply profoundly sucky the point of view becomes. You might see life through lenses of this illness, even yourself, your interests, and so on. But the cliché is true: your illness doesn't define you.
2. Acceptance isn't linear
Maybe unconventional, but I found that worrying and thinking about bipolar 24/7 made it worse. Some days I'll feel normal, some days I'll curse the day I was born. I'll mourn the losses I suffered from this illness, but I also will remember that there are is light.
3. This illness is dangerous
So many of us underestimated the consequences( of particularly mania). Depression is well known nowadays, but mania is often romanticised, glorified, and brushed aside. Meds, if prescribed, are your weapon.
4. What happened sucks, but...
Reexamine your life, goals, ambitions, needs, and wants. Even though I refused to accept the diagnosis at first, I still forced the evaluation. Because I felt my life was ruined, I, for the first time, realized what was truly important to strive for. Plus, I got rid of many universal bad habits. But it's okay to take time. Please take time, self care and love are priorities.
5. Let others be
This is probably the hardest part. Some people never tell they are bipolar. But having Carrie Fisher for an inspiration made me stop hiding. Either way, some will leave, and some will stay. It's not your job to educate them, to force their narrow views wide, to in any way lose your energy over their ignorance. BUT. Others will actually try to understand. Your friends, I dare say, will want to help, be there, because you are you, and this is just an illness. Be patient and kind with those. Family is trickier, but in the end, they love you. Remember, when someone leaves, it's their loss. However, in the 21st century, people tend to be more open-minded. I never received a negative comment from my peers. When I "came out," people were kind and gentle, even though I expected them to start throwing stuff at me, literally.
I am certain that you will find your own way of dealing with this load. You will grow and evolve, like a beautiful flower, and this will seem easier, with each step down the road. You can find many successful and happy people with this condition. I personally cannot live without mediation, yoga, my dog, my wonderful friends, and yearly Skam rewatches. These keep me grounded, even when I punch my pillow in frustration, because goddamn universe why me.
Finding your way is therapeutic. the internet offers great advice, people gave great lectures, and you can even find podcasts, specifically about bipolar disorder. But in the end, it's just an illness, yes, a giant part of you, but also the unimportant part. Your thoughts, emotions, interests, desires, and more - this is you - and more. and more. infinite. a whole universe. perfect. While bipolar is merely a dot. And if you two are ever in opposition, my bet will always be on you.
If this is remotely close to an answer, I am glad. If not, my dms are open. Or if I can help in any way, don't hesitate to let me know. With Love,
x
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that-bipolar-mood · 5 months
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Writing currently on IV...
TW: mentions of suicide attempt, Bipolar sucks
I got treated awful by medical professionals who only heard my disorder, only preached, never listened. Some of them were wonderful, though, witty, professional, and gently kind.
Yes, I took too much lithium, and yes, I drank alcohol. It landed me into a hospital. It was truly horrifying to throw up over and over and to feel pain in so many ways.
No, I did not attempt suicide. It was no "cry for help" or an act of boredom.
My brain sometimes doesn't function. In fact, it completely derails. Being in a very happy and content mood but stumbling into a minor setback, this brain thought it would be a fun idea to see, as one wants to see, what happens after 10k miligrams.
So I can't explain why. I don't understand if this was the beginning of mania that came to this abrupt end. I wanted to share this just to see if anyone out there does things that resemble suicide attempts, but are far from it.
I remember as kids how we tried to hold our breath under water as long as possible. No one called it suicide attempt even though once a friend passed out.
This is the irrational, impulsive, ugly, dangerous, and so so hurtful side of bipolar disorder. I ask what is wrong with me, but this is the answer.
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that-bipolar-mood · 5 months
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Besides the obvious factors, it baffles me that one of the strong reasons why I choose to keep my illness a secret is that reaction from people who just diminish the seriousness.
It's the type of people that say my diagnosis is not a big deal or in any way relatable, rather than acknowledging that it is a serious condition.
What makes me so angry is the years I have battled with myself, to accept I am indeed sick. Because I'm sure many relate with the blindness bipolar can put on those afflicted. And when the revelation comes, it is vicious to disregard our explanation and confession.
This is an illness foremost that resides within extremes, not hours, but weeks or months of symptoms. It is noticeable and disruptive to the point of involuntary hospitalisation. But its unpredictability can drive the most unsuspecting over the edge.
And not to mention the reliance on medications with plenty of side effects, the reluctance to take them, and constant justifying...
What I'm trying to say is that when someone opens up, how about never assuming anything?
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that-bipolar-mood · 8 months
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Hi there,
I don't know who else to talk to about this, and your blog seems like the only one I can talk to about this (you don't even have to answer this).
About half a year ago I started getting into spirituality. At first it was wonderful, and really inspired and encouraged a lot of positive personal growth for me. I started meditating and hearing voices. However, there have been a few times that became disturbing, and a couple were downright terrifying.
I only just recently opened up to my counselor about those moments. She was naturally concerned, and reached out to my my medication specialist to let her know. The meds specialist then gave me a prescription for Abilify, and kind of rushed through the appointment without really listening to me. Hallucinations or not, to me those moments were very real, and to have them so quickly dismissed has hurt me deeply.
I see how my behaviour could be concerning for others. I agree that I do experience hypomania. I'm not living an impulsive or reckless lifestyle, but I do go through cycles of being high-strung, irritable, and depressed, only to bounce back to being pleasant and happy-go-lucky again. Yet it hurts to know that my attempts to better my life and connect with a higher source was noted as a red flag, like they were just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like all of my credibility and respectability has been taken from me overnight. It feels like whenever I become excited about something that it's going to be questioned as a suspicious and monitored as a symptom, instead of allowing me to enjoy my life like an adult. I already feel like my partner looks down on me. He uses my earlier mental illness diagnosis as a means to infantalise and patronise me, even if he doesn't think he is.
We both have relatives with bipolar disorder, and I don't see myself being like them. I've seen what mania looks like, and where it leads to. It scares and dismays me to be put into the same category as them. I could handle the ADHD and depression diagnoses, but BP is more than I'm willing to admit. Quite frankly, I'm ashamed of it. Just like I'm embarrassed for sharing my spiritual experiences and research with those around me, and how silly I must have looked.
I've decided it would be best if I avoid anything involved in spirituality, to play it safe. However, now there's a great absence in my life, with nothing worthwhile to put my time and energy into. There's a deep emptiness and loneliness in my heart with nothing to replace it. My inner compass now has no direction, I don't know what to do with myself anymore, both daily and throughout my life. I feel unremarkable, unsupported, and out of reach of G-d's love.
Thank you for reading through my vent. I hope you're having a good week.
- Jackalope
Well hello, and thank you firstly for reaching out.
To be honest, I believe the majority in the bipolar community or perhaps even the entire mental health community, understands or relates on some level. Also, I won't lie and pretend there is a simple answer here, or that anyone can give you one in the first place.
Now that I've said that, here's my personal subjective view. Spirituality saved me from my existential struggles, but I learnt the hard way that there is a line that I can never cross unless I want to get hospitalised. I tried desperately to balance my spiritual beliefs with reason and this diagnosis I received... it went horribly...for some time. Naturally, l gave up.
Guess what happened. Didn't work out. Depression kicked in faster than ever, and I'm talking about the paralysing, scary, losing-self one. Anyway, this happened next:
1. I just stopped surrounding myself with judgemental people who kept putting me down because of spirituality (frankly, I had no energy left).
2. I embraced the fact that I can be both mentally ill and practice spirituality, but starting slow...(no staying up reading on religions or painting visions instead of eating).
3. I switched psychiatrists and was lucky to find a liberal open-minded one, who helped me sort out which beliefs were harmful and which weren't.
4. Again, lucky for me, I found the right medication that kept me stable and offered me a chance to control triggers better.
So, in my experience, yoga and meditation (sometimes hours long) are not harmful but crucial. Yet, anything that occupies me enough to disrupt or just rapidly change my life can be potentially harmful. Welcome to 'the spectre life' of bipolar.
I'm not sure which diagnosis you consider to be correct for you, I can speak as someone with bipolar disorder, and my life is really all about balance. Meaning it goes both ways. I cannot do without spirituality, but I have to be careful not to "bite off more than I can chew."
I hope this helps and if you feel like chatting or anything really, please message me.
I believe truly that you have the capacity to sort this through and that you will be alright.
<3
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that-bipolar-mood · 11 months
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Being medicated doesn't mean becoming normal.
There's this trope I've seen in media, mentally ill that take meds and suddenly become neurotypical. To me this was a harmful fantasy, thinking that medicine means cure, and a fast one.
The reality of meds is often disappointing. You still find your limitations and differences. Lots of underground symptoms and sensitivities don't ever vanish.
Being bipolar myself it often left me perplexed, the fact that I was receiving correct treatment, but still struggled. Not with acute episodes, just a baby version of previous symptoms.
I'm trying to accept bipolar as my personal disability. I figured that medicine is my support, like a cane could be for those with physical disabilities. It means I'm still not like the rest and I will always struggle, but man is it nice to have some help...
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that-bipolar-mood · 11 months
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I am so lonely
There are people, good people in my life, some I've connected to, some that seem to have become attached. But there's always the difference, a darkness in between.
Sometimes I feel as if I were lying to them, pretending, hiding myself... Life is such a lonesome experience when you're taking pills and fighting to find the right answer to 'what's wrong'
Understand me is all my desperation means. And then loneliness that keeps reminding me "you're not really one of them"
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that-bipolar-mood · 1 year
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I know stress is particularly heavy when nightmares become a regular occurrence. Specifically nightmares that aren't your regular scary scenarios, but extremely stressful situations that tend to be realistic.
For example: not being able to pay a bill, my partner cheating on me, falling out with friends, any kind of extreme embarrassment, etc.
Those dreams were all different, but they had one thing in common: stress. And because there was no fear present, I realized my brain was simply reacting to, and processing, stressful situations unrelated to dream's plot.
This can be a major warning for a mood episode, as it is usually with stress, since it's bad enough the subconscious is alarmed.
A reminder for everyone with similar issues. Take care and keep an eye on this.
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that-bipolar-mood · 1 year
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I want to share my psychiatrist's words that turned out to be helpful.
It's dark and cold, heavy winter where I live. Days go by without proper sunlight and the effect is strong, in fact I'm falling into a sort of pit of depression.
He told me that the day is getting longer, one minute at the time. And every minute counts.
The bottom line is that you can't force anything in such situations, but you can acknowledge every little bit of progress along the way.
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that-bipolar-mood · 1 year
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I take my meds with vodka now
Should i be concerned?
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that-bipolar-mood · 1 year
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Any tips/advice for peeps who just got diagnosed? Searching for information in the void is …. 😵‍💫
Heyhey, let me just say, welcome :) it means a lot that you turned to me. I'll give my best, but keep in mind I'm not an expert (and this could be ten times as long).
Okay, first of all...know that what you're doing (seeking info) is amazing, sadly sometimes rare, so I commend you for that.
I'd go through some legit sources first. I highly reccomend dr. Kay Redfield Jamison's works (especially her autobiography An Unquiet mind, that helped me accept bipolar). And one that really is just a comfort ("comic")book for me is Marbles: Mania, Depression, Michelangelo and Me by Ellen Forney. Another badass woman with bipolar was Carrie Fisher. You can look up her quotes and talks regarding the illness (truly amazing, 100% reccomend).
A good way to track everything (especially at the beginning) is a mood app. There are some designed for bipolar, but I used Daylio (simple and easy).
Then try to identify triggers (this comes gradually). Usually sleep changes are the first indication of an episode (often mania if sleep is reduced). Any sort of change is a potential trigger. Now you have to carefully watch yourself until you find yours (consult with a professional about them, if you can). The thing about bipolar episodes is that they tend to sneak up on you, and unfortunately not recognizing the obvious is in fact a symptom in itself.
Remember: prevention is your best asset. A full blown episode is always harder to treat, leaves more damage and lasts longer.
Find a routine that works best and try to stick to it. And seriously, stay on meds (if you have them prescribed).
...things that possibly await you are: love/hate relationship with medication, idealizing and longing for an episode (commonly euphoric mania), explaining things to people (realizing some are jerks, finding better ones), a vicious cycle of romanticising and cursing this illness, more medication and doctor problems, acceptance, stability, different views of the world, loving communities, awesome memes etc...
And lastly, patience. Honestly, it's hard and chasing stability can seem Sisyphus' work. But it's really just an illness, one part of you that might seem as big as an ocean (but that's a lie). You'll find there's lots of hope out there, wonderful medication and support. You are most certainly not alone, even when it seems so. 46 million people around the world are affected by bipolar disorder, we're all in this together and trust me on this, you'll never fight alone.
If you have any questions about something specific (therapy, "coming out" about it to others, more sources, just conversation...whatever really) don't hesitate to DM me.
Lots of love,
<3
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that-bipolar-mood · 1 year
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A lot of times i can't tell exactly what kind of mood I'm in. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I'm okay.
Watching Bob Ross makes me feel all sorts of soft and calm emotions. Then again, once it made me ugly cry. I realized then, I'm a mess, anxious, burnt out...
My point is, we all have our comfort things. But it's also really nice to watch closely your reaction -it could be a great indication of moods
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