Hello am looking for a slave to be owned by
Sorry, slavery is illegal now have a nice day.
3 notes
·
View notes
New Stark Kid
Pepper: Die.
Tony: Please don't die.
Pepper: DIE!
Tony: PLEASE DON'T DIE!
Steve, confused: Why are they yelling at a plant?
Natasha, eating popcorn: They bought it together and Tony wants Pepper to accept it as their child.
127 notes
·
View notes
New Colors
Tony, pointing at wall: What color is this?
Steve: Grey
Bucky: Gray
Tony: Now Peter, tell them what color you think it is.
Peter: Dark White.
125 notes
·
View notes
Sprite
Rhodey: A sprite is anything that's not static.
Tony: A sprite is a variable object, be it 2d or 3d.
Happy: A sprite is a soda, you goddamn geekass bastards.
76 notes
·
View notes
Sexuality Reveal Party
Tony: Dammit, the printer broke while I was printing Peter's birthday invitations.
Pepper: Well, what are they supposed to say?
Tony: Peter's birthday party.
Pepper: What do they say instead?
Tony: Peter's bi.
Pepper:
Pepper: Works either way.
131 notes
·
View notes
King Peter Quacker
Peter, hungover: Please tell me I imagined claiming to be the king of all ducks.
Harley: I would, but then I'd be committing treason by lying to the king of all ducks.
149 notes
·
View notes
Santa's Death
Morgan: Dad? Won't Santa die if he comes down a burning chimney?
Tony: Yea sweetie, let's put the fire out.
Morgan: No...
Morgan: Leave it on.
190 notes
·
View notes
Tony: I didn't even realize how sarcastic I was being! It's starting to become a problem, I think.
73 notes
·
View notes
Peter: Five little monkeys, jumping on the bed, one fell off and...
Bruce: Was diagnosed with mesothelioma.
Morgan: Mamma called the doctor, and the doctor said...
Tony: You might be entitled to financial compensation if he or a loved one dies.
246 notes
·
View notes
Natasha: First rule of battle, Peter ... don't ever let them know where you are.
Thor, shooting out of frame: WHOO-HOO! I’M RIGHT HERE! I’M RIGHT HERE! YOU WANT SOME O’ ME?! YEAH YOU DO! COME ON! COME ON! AAAAAH! Whoo-hoo!
Natasha: ... Of course, there are other schools of thought.
99 notes
·
View notes
Peter: Mr Stark actually banned me from the lab for a whole week because I showed up to 'my internship' late.
Aunt May: My poor boy :(
MJ: Well, I mean, he deserves it. Getting Tony's hopes up like that, and then showing up.
223 notes
·
View notes
Self-burn, those are rare
Happy: Morgan, get those hideous things out of the house, would you?
Morgan: Mom, dad, Happy wants you out the house.
Tony: You carry our genes, you just roasted yourself.
122 notes
·
View notes
Tony's Sticky Notes
Pepper: Morgan, I think you forgot your lunch! *Holds up a paper bag with a note that reads: 'I am very proud of you and love you so much. Love, dad.'*
Morgan: Yea... I didn't think this was for me. *Holds up a paper bag with a note that reads: 'Please Peter, be good, for the love of Odin, I'm begging you, be good.'*
139 notes
·
View notes
Supportive dad
Tony: You don't need my blessing to go and kiss Wanda Maximoff, in fact, I'm pretty sure you were already kissing Wanda Maximoff!
Nebula: Nope.
Tony: In that case, as the archbishop of Nebula's fully awakened gaydom, I give you my blessing to immediately leave and rectify that as soon as possible! Go now, my child, and kiss Wanda right on the lips!
100 notes
·
View notes
Attractive Fossils
Peter: Dinosaurs aren't extinct, I mean, Mr Rogers and Mr Barnes are literally walking in this room.
Tony: *w h e e z e*
564 notes
·
View notes
Who needs therapy when you have a Peter
Peter: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE *aggressively throws water bottles at everyone*
Pepper: Uh... what's up with him?
Natasha: He's been trying to yell mental health and well being into all of us.
Tony: *crying* Well, it's working.
406 notes
·
View notes
Strong boi
Pepper: What should Tony and I do about Peter? I'm worried to leave him behind while we go out.
Happy: I wouldn't worry too much.
Happy: I once watched him fall of the roof of Stark tower, stand up, and keep eating his churro like nothing happened.
167 notes
·
View notes