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the-courage-to-heal ¡ 2 months
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What is grooming?
Grooming is when someone builds a relationship, trust and emotional connection with a child or young person so they can manipulate, exploit and abuse them. Children and young people who are groomed can be sexually abused, exploited or trafficked. Anybody can be a groomer, no matter their age, gender or race. Grooming can take place over a short or long period of time – from weeks to years. Groomers may also build a relationship with the young person's family or friends to make them seem trustworthy or authoritative.
It can be difficult to tell if a child is being groomed – the signs aren't always obvious and may be hidden. Older children might behave in a way that seems to be "normal" teenage behaviour, masking underlying problems.
Some of the signs you might see include:
• being very secretive about how they're spending their time, including when online
• having an older boyfriend or girlfriend
• having money or new things like clothes and mobile phones that they can't or won't explain
• underage drinking or drug taking
• spending more or less time online or on their devices
• being upset, withdrawn or distressed
• sexualised behaviour, language or an understanding of sex that's not appropriate for their age
• spending more time away from home or going missing for periods of time.
• A child is unlikely to know they've been groomed. They might be worried or confused and less likely to speak to an adult they trust.
Effects of grooming:
Grooming can have both short and long-term effects. The impact of grooming can last a lifetime, no matter whether it happened in person, online or both. A child or young person might have difficulty sleeping, be anxious or struggle to concentrate or cope with school work. They may become withdrawn, uncommunicative and angry or upset.
Who's at risk?
Any child is at risk of being groomed. And it's important to remember that both boys and girls can be groomed. Children who are groomed online could be abused by someone they know. They could also be abused by someone who commits a one-off act or a stranger who builds a relationship with them. Some children are more at risk of grooming, particularly those who are vulnerable. Children in care, with disabilities or who are neglected can be targeted by groomers. Groomers will exploit any vulnerability to increase the likelihood a child or young person will become dependent on them and less likely to speak out.
You can also contact your local child protection services or the police to report your concerns about any type of grooming - whether it's happening online, in person or both.
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the-courage-to-heal ¡ 5 months
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“In 1984, when Ruth Coker Burks was 25 and a young mother living in Arkansas, she would often visit a hospital to care for a friend with cancer.
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During one visit, Ruth noticed the nurses would draw straws, afraid to go into one room, its door sealed by a big red bag. She asked why and the nurses told her the patient had AIDS.
On a repeat visit, and seeing the big red bag on the door, Ruth decided to disregard the warnings and sneaked into the room.
In the bed was a skeletal young man, who told Ruth he wanted to see his mother before he died. She left the room and told the nurses, who said, "Honey, his mother’s not coming. He’s been here six weeks. Nobody’s coming!”
Ruth called his mother anyway, who refused to come visit her son, who she described as a "sinner" and already dead to her, and that she wouldn't even claim his body when he died.
“I went back in his room and when I walked in, he said, "Oh, momma. I knew you’d come", and then he lifted his hand. And what was I going to do? So I took his hand. I said, "I’m here, honey. I’m here”, Ruth later recounted.
Ruth pulled a chair to his bedside, talked to him
and held his hand until he died 13 hours later.
After finally finding a funeral home that would his body, and paying for the cremation out of her own savings, Ruth buried his ashes on her family's large plot.
After this first encounter, Ruth cared for other patients. She would take them to appointments, obtain medications, apply for assistance, and even kept supplies of AIDS medications on hand, as some pharmacies would not carry them.
Ruth’s work soon became well known in the city and she received financial assistance from gay bars, "They would twirl up a drag show on Saturday night and here'd come the money. That's how we'd buy medicine, that's how we'd pay rent. If it hadn't been for the drag queens, I don't know what we would have done", Ruth said.
Over the next 30 years, Ruth cared for over 1,000 people and buried more than 40 on her family's plot most of whom were gay men whose families would not claim their ashes.
For this, Ruth has been nicknamed the 'Cemetery Angel'.”— by Ra-Ey Saley
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Is there a term for being assigned caretaker role but for friends? Like parentification for kids raising their siblings but being slapped with that label by peer "friends" or people who feel the need to be taken care of by those they consider their best friend? I knew someone who did that to me and after I was like "I love X she's like my daughter!" but then took it literally and kept calling me her "group mom" and said I had to look after her and be a big sister to her.
Hi I’m going to be quoting this article link here
What you’re describing sounds like a codependent friendship. You are not in a place of parental responsibility for any of your friends and that’s an unfair burden to place on you. Often people who find themselves in these sort of friend groups may have fulfilled a parental role in their own family. These cycles often perpetuate themselves. I hope this article helps you to make sense of what you’re experiencing!
What is a Codependent Friendship?
Codependency in friendship is characterized by an overly persistent reliance on one another. There will always be both taker and giver roles in a codependent friendship. The taker may need emotional support from the giver, while the giver might, in turn, get a much-needed self-esteem boost or a feeling of importance from their role in the friendship.
Signs of Codependency in Friendships
Ultimately, codependent relationships are unhealthy and toxic for both parties involved. Boundaries tend to be blurred in codependent friendships, and it’s common for both people to lose their sense of self as the friendship becomes more intertwined on all levels.
While not all unhealthy relationships are codependent, there are some telltale signs that codependency might be something you’re dealing with.
1. One person is always trying to “fix” the other’s problems
It’s common in codependent friendships for the person playing the giver role to always feel a deep sense of responsibility towards the taker.
Givers often want to fix problems, which can come at a price. The cost sometimes can even cause the giver pain as they spend exorbitant amounts of time, energy, and sometimes even money helping the taker.
2. One person needs to be rescued
In any relationship, it’s important to be willing to help someone you care about. It’s equally as important to be able to accept help if it’s coming from a good place. However, in a codependent friendship, there won’t be any reciprocation aspect, so one person is constantly giving to the other, despite knowing that if and when they themselves need help, their partner won’t be capable of returning the favor.
3. One person has anxiety or fears about the relationship
Takers may experience feelings of anxiety when their friend is not around or can’t spend time with them. They may start overthinking and obsessing over a fear that the relationship might end. Because of this, takers may become self-conscious that their friend might not want to spend time with them.
4. One or both people experience a feeling of burnout
Eventually, someone is going to feel the sensation of emotional burnout after being in a codependent relationship. The cyclical, repetitive taking and giving can only last so long. Particularly for the person in the giver role, the cycle can be exhausting, depleting a little bit more of their energy and happiness every time they engage until they get to the point that they have nothing left to give (to themself or their friend).
5. One or both people heavily rely and depend on the friendship
Being comfortable in a relationship is great, but when one or both of you become so dependent on the other person you can’t function alone any longer, it’s unhealthy. Though the roles are different, codependency can still have a dramatic impact on both the giver’s and the taker’s psyches.
6. Both people tend to be upset at the same time
It might sound a little strange, but it’s very common for people in codependent relationships to experience shared emotions. You may take on feelings of duress, stress, anger, or even happiness based on how your friend is feeling. Rather than having individual, personal reactions to situations or experiences, people in codependent friendships often find their mood is easily dictated by their friends’ moods.
7. Individual choices aren’t common
Not only do codependent friends tend to take on one another’s emotions, but they also might find it difficult to make their own choices when they’re together. Further, they might stifle their own needs and can even have a sense of guilt if they try to establish independence from their friend.
8. Opinions are streamlined
Just as it can be difficult to make individual decisions and choices in a codependent friendship, expressing opinions can be equally as hard. For people who have a codependent friend, it might feel easier to just go along with what the friend thinks or feels rather than risk any source of tension in the friendship by disagreeing or expressing individual opinions.
9. The relationship is draining on one or both people
A codependent friendship can be exhausting for both people involved. It can suck all the life out of you. These unhealthy relationships often leave little time to focus on anything other than that specific friendship. The relationship can become draining and taxing, both mentally and physically, resulting in a lack of energy and time to put into other aspects of life.
10. One person’s needs come first
This might be one of the most obvious signs of codependency in friendship. If one person is continuously putting the other’s needs before their own, there’s a good chance you’re dealing with a codependent friendship.
11. Jealousy is common
Jealousy is a common theme in a lot of codependent friendships. It makes sense that if someone is overly dependent on a friend, it can be difficult for them to accept that person bonding or becoming close with someone else outside the friendship.
12. The relationship has high expectations or obligations
The expectations placed on the giver in a codependent relationship can be daunting. The dysfunction in the friendship may result in one person being expected to sacrifice and give anything and everything to the person who fills the taker role.
13. There’s a high level of emotional need
Codependent friendships often involve incredible levels of emotional dependency between both people. Essentially, though it may not be obvious to those in the relationship, codependency generally involves two people using each other to get what they need emotionally.
14. One person is always giving, while the other is always taking
A hallmark sign of a codependent friendship is they’re strikingly one-sided. As we’ve seen through the roles that are played (we have a giver and a taker), codependency depends on that very thing — one person giving while the other takes. The roles may not ever be reversed, meaning whoever is the giver may rarely, if ever, get their own needs fulfilled in the relationship.
15. Outside friends are cut off
Codependent friendships rely on strict roles that are already being filled. The result can be a very closed-off circle of friends. Because the taker relies on sympathy and care they get, and the giver likely thrives on the power they feel as the caretaker, it’s unlikely that anyone else would be welcomed into the cycle.
16. The relationship feels scripted
The roles in a codependent relationship are stringent and unwavering. As a result, the friendship can start to feel like it’s scripted, playing out the same scenario with the same outcome day after day.
17. One person typically feels used
It’s very common for one person in a codependent friendship to feel used. Whether that’s you or the other party, the feeling can become exhausting.
18. One or both people is inauthentic in the relationship
Authenticity is important in any friendship, but in codependent relationships, one person often feels like they’re hiding or stifling their true self. By ignoring their authentic self, it can be easier to fill their role in the relationship without having to express opinions, feelings, or reactions to situations and events.
19. A distorted sense of reality is present
Because codependency perpetuates a cycle of unhealthy patterns, friendships can end up offering a distorted sense of reality. The giver can internalize a sense of self-importance and worth as they rescue the taker over and over. Likewise, the taker can fulfill their need to be wanted and taken care of.
20. One person in the relationship fills the “decision-making” role
Most takers in a codependent friendship rely heavily on the giver to make virtually all major decisions for them. It can be an incredible sense of stress and may weigh heavily on the giver, especially if things don’t pan out and the taker has someone to blame.
How to Overcome a Codependent Friendship
If you or someone you care about is in a codependent friendship, there’s good news. Regardless of who fills which role, you can learn how to stop being codependent in your friendship.
If your friend is codependent. If you realize that a friend is codependent on you, use the following coping strategies to alter the course of the friendship and develop healthy interactions.
Look back at the history of the friendship
Looking back at your own history can help you determine where in life you developed the need to be a fixer. This knowledge can be a game changer. Studies show that people who end up in adult codependent relationships often come from difficult family life. It’s not uncommon to have more than one codependent relationship, so taking the time to go through this process is likely to help you in numerous aspects of your life.
Put yourself first
It might feel unnatural initially, but learning to put yourself first is incredibly powerful. Setting healthy friendship boundaries and then reinforcing them means that you’ll begin to feel comfortable expressing your own needs, wants, and opinions.
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Counterdependents
Most "classical" (overt) narcissists are counterdependent. Their emotions and needs are buried under "scar tissue" which had formed, coalesced, and hardened during years of one form of abuse or another. Grandiosity, a sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy, and overweening haughtiness usually hide gnawing insecurity and a fluctuating sense of self-worth.
Counterdependents are contumacious (reject and despise authority), fiercely independent, controlling, self-centered, and aggressive. They fear intimacy and are locked into cycles of hesitant approach followed by avoidance of commitment. They are "lone wolves" and bad team players.
Counterdependence is a reaction formation. The counterdependent dreads his own weaknesses. He seeks to overcome them by projecting an image of omnipotence, omniscience, success, self-sufficiency, and superiority.
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Goals of a Manipulator:
The goal of manipulation is to gain influence to get our needs met, but habitual manipulators do so for power and control and use deceptive and abusive methods. Manipulators maintain domination through continuous, recurring emotional manipulation, abuse, and coercive control. Often they’re passive-aggressive. They may lie or act caring or hurt or shocked by your complaints―all to deflect any criticism and to continue to behave in an unacceptable manner. In maintaining control to do what they wish, manipulators aim:
1. To avoid being confronted
2. To put you on the defensive
3. To make you doubt yourself and your perceptions
4. To hide their aggressive intent
5. To avoid responsibility
6. To not have to change
Eventually, you are victimized and can lose trust in yourself and your feelings and perceptions. Gaslighting is a treacherous, disabling form of manipulation.
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Avoidance:
Manipulators want to avoid being confronted and having to take responsibility at all costs. They may avoid conversations about their behavior by simply refusing to discuss it. This might be combined with an attack, like “You’re always nagging me,” putting you on the defensive with blame, guilt, or shame.
Avoidance can be subtle and unnoticeable when a manipulator shifts the subject. It may be camouflaged with boasting, compliments, or remarks you want to hear, like, “You know how much I care about you.” You might forget why you were upset in the first place.
Another avoidance tactic is evasiveness that blurs the facts, confuses you and plants doubt. I once went out with a man who claimed we were incompatible because I was too precise and he was a “gloss-over” kind of guy. Precisely! He felt uncomfortable when I’d ask questions or note inconsistencies in his half-truths. It became apparent that he was a skilled, manipulative liar. It’s easy to give someone the benefit of the doubt and go into denial yourself when you’re hopeful about a relationship. When you have doubts, trust them!
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Many people enter the therapy process with minimal awareness of their trauma history.  When the trauma survivors are dissociative, they have the ability to block out an awareness of their trauma.  They may know that their family had problems, or that their family was dysfunctional, etc, but they may believe they were never abused.
However, blocking out conscious awareness of trauma does not mean that the survivors have no effects of that trauma. Using denial and dissociative skills does not mean that the abuse did not happen. Denial means that the person simply is refusing to acknowledge or accept the fact that they were traumatized.  They are pretending they were not hurt, when they were actually hurt very badly.
Even if the memories of abuse are hidden from the survivor’s awareness, blocked trauma/unresolved trauma creates very noticeable and obvious symptoms that can be easily seen in their every day lives.
People will enter therapy aware of some of the following symptoms, but they may not realize these complications are suggestive of unresolved trauma issues:
1. Addictive behaviors, excessively turning to drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, gambling as a way to push difficult emotions and upsetting trauma content further away.
2. An inability to tolerate conflicts with others. Having a fear of conflict, running from conflict, avoiding conflict, maintaining skewed perceptions of conflict.
3. An inability to tolerate intense feelings.  Preferring to avoid feeling by any number of ways.
4. An innate belief that they are bad, worthless, without value or importance.
5. Black and white thinking, all or nothing thinking, even if this approach ends up harming themselves.
6. Chronic and repeated suicidal thoughts and feelings.
7. Disorganized attachment patterns – having a variety of short but intense relationships, refusing to have any relationships, dysfunctional relationships, frequent love/hate relationships.
8. Dissociation, spacing out, losing time, missing time, feeling like you are two completely different people (or more than two).
9. Eating disorders – anorexia, bulimia, obesity, etc.
10. Excessive sense of self-blame – taking on inappropriate responsibility as if everything is their fault, making excessive apologies.
11. Inappropriate attachments to mother figures or father figures, even with dysfunctional or unhealthy people.
12. Intense anxiety and repeated panic attacks.
13. Intrusive thoughts, upsetting visual images, flashbacks, body memories / unexplained body pain, or distressing nightmares.
14. Ongoing, chronic depression.
15. Repeatedly acting from a victim role in current day relationships.
16. Repeatedly taking on the rescuer role, even when inappropriate to do so.
17. Self-harm, self-mutilation, self-injury, self-destruction.
18. Suicidal actions and behaviors, failed attempts to suicide.
19. Taking the perpetrator role / angry aggressor in relationships.
20. Unexplained but intense fears of people, places, things.
These same symptoms can be applied for survivors already working in therapy.  Attending regular therapy does not mean the clients have resolved their trauma issues or that they are even working in that general direction.  Many therapy clients will continue to deny, dissociate, and refuse to look at their trauma even if they are aware of their daily struggles.
Running from your trauma history will not help you feel better.  In the short-run, you might not have to face the issues, but the cost in the long-run of unresolved trauma weighs more heavily than you might suspect.
Your life can be better than it is. You can break the cycle of abuse if you face your past!
Source: http://discussingdissociation.com/2009/07/04/20-signs-of-unresolved-trauma/
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About a month ago I attempted to take my life. I took an overdose of dose of pills intentionally. I want to share the story of what I went through. When I arrived at the hospital a nurse told me I could keep my phone “if I didn’t cause trouble” I called my Mom and softly cried. I was told
“I thought you said you wouldn’t cause any trouble”
 I came to realize trouble meant making any noise. I immediately offered to quiet myself. That wasn’t good enough. I was told that I was not allowed to have access to my cell phone anymore. Despite the fact I apologized for crying, and immediately said I understood and would quiet myself.
The nurse advanced on me and attempted to wrestle my phone from my hands. Apparently you are allowed to physically assault somebody if you are a nurse. I want to emphasize all I did was offer to quiet myself immediately. I apologized for crying. That wasn’t good enough.
By this point I was incredibly triggered. I said I wanted to leave, and for good reason this is obviously not something you can do after attempting suicide. They were right to call in people to restrain me. However, these people would have never been called in if the nurse had shown me a shred a basic human empathy, decency and kindness.ďżź she enjoyed inflicting pain upon someone who was vulnerable.
What was wrong was them continuing to restrain me to the point I was severely bruised. I can only document in photographs what was done to me.
I fought at first, but very quickly submitted. A man held my face down into the mattress. I told him I couldn’t breathe. He kept holding my face down until I was hyperventilating, and about to pass out. I kept saying I could not breathe. They didn’t believe me until I was hyperventilating and in the process of suffocating. I was genuinely terrified they were going to suffocate me. Right when I was about to lose consciousness they finally released me.
However, my torture was not done. They tied my hand up above my head. I explained they were tearing muscles. I spent at least 10 minutes sobbing and begging them to tie me up n a way that wouldn’t physically harm my body.
They finally relented when I pointed out that tying a persons head above their arms was a form of torture that the Romans inflicted upon people they crucified. That is what it took for them to stop torturing me. They could have done whatever they wanted to me. ďżź
I heard the same nurse abusing another patient the next morning. She told a man involved in a drunk, driving accident.
“Your problem is at the bottom of a bottle”
I looked at the nurse who was watching over me and said,
“That is cruel, they are mentally ill. Their problem is that their pain is now hurting other people. Not at the bottom of a bottle.”
That is beyond cruel. She might as well have told him to kill himself and make the world a better place by decreasing the surplus population. ďżź I met somebody who is the living embodiment of Ebeneezer Scrooge.ďżź
If I learned anything from this experience, it is that strength has to come from within yourself because nobody will give a sh*t if you don’t care about yourself. People use you, and abuse you when you are most vulnerable.
“Help” exists for those who can pay for it. Everyone else is just surplus clogging up the system.
I have not posted a photo of myself for a very long time. I have been overwhelmed. I have neglected this blog. But I want to use my voice so other people can hear what I went through and maybe it will help them to continue going when all hope seems lost. The United States has an appalling system, that punishes the mentally ill. People dealing with suicidal ideation are human beings. They are no less deserving of respect and kindness. The most fragile among us deserve the greatest protection. Not to be feasted on by crows pecking at their corpse. I hope at the very least I have created a safe space with this blog.ďżź
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Sadly I can check off alot of items from this list. Time and self education are the only things that will help reclaim life back once you lose yourself with emotional abuse.
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Do you (or your followers) have any tips on escaping a financially abusive relationship? We are not married but living together and I do not have a steady job/my source of $ is 85% dependent on him currently. I have PTSD, anxiety, depression, and health issues including chronic fatigue syndrome. I can work but I am limited in what I can do and how much I can lift.
Financial abuse is incredibly, insidious and difficult to escape. I would recommend that you look into opening a PO Box, and then open a separate bank account. Have all mail regarding that bank account sent to your PO Box. Look into getting a job over the phone possibly with a temp agency; the COVID-19 pandemic has made opportunities to work from home more viable. Also save whatever you can from the allowance that you’re given, and put it away into your secret bank account. If you’re able to blame it on inflation, ask for a little more money than you really need for groceries etc. You can also put that aside. 
This article might also be helpful:
It hits on some important points such as,
• Gather and store important documents. If you are living with the abuser, store important documents somewhere safe outside the home, if at all possible, such as a safe deposit box or a friend or family’s home. These include birth certificates (yours and the children’s), marriage certificates (if applicable), social security cards, bank statements, and ownership documents of jointly owned property. Abusers frequently prevent a victim’s access to these after the victim leaves, so it’s important to do this as part of your preparation for leaving.
• Find at least one trustworthy ally who understands financial abuse to help you sort out your thoughts and make a plan of action. Many victims feel ashamed and isolated, and this, along with financial pressures, can contribute to staying stuck. Some places to find support include your friends and family (as long as you can be sure they will not talk to the abuser about what you share), a local organization helping victims and survivors of domestic violence, a counselor or therapist who understands domestic violence, or a hotline such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (or TTY 1-800-787-3224).
• Research the programs and services in your area that help domestic violence victims. Knowing how to apply for public assistance or your options for temporary or longer-term housing will help you feel more confident that help will be available when you need it. Often programs and financial assistance sources have waiting periods and complex application requirements, so being armed with information can help you prepare ahead of time.
• Cancel joint bank and credit accounts by calling the issuer and asking to have your name removed. This won’t undo damage the abuser may have already done, but it will prevent new attempts to rack up debt in your name, take money from you, and damage your credit.
I hope this information helps a little bit and you’re able to construct a safe plan to escape! Please write back in if you need any more support or advice.
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i’m in bonding trauma with the man i loved ,i’ve been 3 years in the relationship and in the beginning he was very kind then i loved him in a crazy way and i was so attached the. he changed he started to insult me and treat me like shit then i sent him photos of me then when i wanted to break up with him he blackmailed me with my photos then sent them all to my family and friends and left me broken …and now after 2 years i met him at work and i got attached again to him i’m traumatized and yet i can’t stay away from him ..i’m so depressed that i thaught i was doing fine and getting better with my therapist then everything collapsed when he started to tell me that he still love me and he had so many relationships after me but he wasn’t happy he was thinking of me and that he regretted blackmailing me and he wants another chance and i know that he will hurt me again but i can’t leave ..please help me i don’t know how to stay away from him and how to get better again ..should i leave suddenly or i should do this gradually what is better for me as i’m afraid to leave suddenly then i got broken and try to reach out to him again and stay in that toxic cycle ..i want to be set free help me please
Trauma bonds us to our abuser and makes it very psychologically difficult to break away. You can break your trauma bond with determination, and no contact, but that’s easier said than done. I hope these articles can help you break free. The fact you’re writing in asking for help tells me you know you need to escape. You want to be set free and the courage to do that lies within yourself. Someone who blackmailed you is not a safe person, that sort of psychological violence could very easily spill over into physical violence if it hasn’t already. This affects your life and even your safety. I know you want to live a life free from this persons abuse, and I know you have the courage to break free and heal. I hope these articles also help a little bit!
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