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I Can't Get to a Theater Right Now
In case you haven't heard, there's a pandemic happening and movie theaters are closed. (In a parallel universe where there's no pandemic, maybe you just live somewhere without good access to movie theaters.) I'm here to help you find good stuff to watch online!
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stop feeling hopeless, start getting ready
If you are in a red state, your state either has an abortion ban in place or is rated by the Guttmacher Institute as likely to enact a ban. Your focus should be on protecting yourself and others who need abortions.
stop using electronic period tracking apps or software
educate yourself and others about pregnancy prevention and join groups that are making preventative birth control more accessible
learn the nearest and most accessible routes to states where you and your loved ones can access abortion
contribute to mutual aid funds to help transport people over state lines if they are in need of abortion
consider joining The Satanic Temple so you can claim protections under the Religious Abortion Ritual if you are prosecuted for obtaining an abortion
keep a stock of by-mail abortion pills for yourself and/or others who may need them (you may need to travel out of state to obtain them)
form community provider networks and see if you or someone you know can be trained to use manual vacuum aspiration kits or a Del-Em
all of the above should be done in complete secrecy using verbal communication, end-to-end encrypted apps such as Signal, or a VPN
If you are in a yellow state, you currently have constitutional abortion protections but they are in jeopardy. Get active in local political groups NOW to fight back against constitutional amendments to ban abortion. Your focus should be purely on political action.
If you are in Michigan, you currently have a ban in place which is being challenged, and your governor is working to add abortion protections into the Michigan state constitution. Your focus should be on supporting the work that is currently under way.
If you are in a green state, your state has constitutional protections for abortion that are unlikely to be challenged. Your focus should be on helping others to enter your state for abortion care.
connect with abortion access groups such as Aid Access, Abortion on Demand, the National Network of Abortion Funds, or Just The Pill
volunteer to help people enter your state for abortion care, either with transportation help or letting someone crash on your couch
if you live in a green state with no current or predicted primary routes from other states for abortion access, you can focus your efforts on supporting political action in other areas
If you are in a purple state, your state currently has no constitutional protections for abortion but is unlikely to implement a ban. You have two focuses: pushing for constitutional protections AND helping others to enter your state for abortion care (see green state list).
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Home Sweet Home Alone” (2021)
PG, 93 minutes, directed by Dan Mazer, screenplay by Mikey Day and Streeter Seidell, based on the story by John Hughes
Stream on Disney+.
Notable performers: Ellie Kemper, obviously.
Why would you want to watch it: It’s got plenty of nostalgia-factor for adults who enjoyed the original back in 1990. Plus, there’s Ellie Kemper!
Is it part of a franchise: Yes
Have I seen it before: No
Does the trailer do it justice: … Not really? The trailer focuses too much of the mayhem, making it seem like Ellie Kemper is an unmotivated home-invader. But she’s got a motivation!
The kid-left-home-alone is Max. Max and his parents moved into an ENORMOUS house in the suburbs of Chicago two months before Christmas. They don’t know any of their neighbors, which is a mildly important plot point. But also, why do they have an ENORMOUS house? Like, this house puts the original “Home Alone” house to shame, and that family at least had a bunch of kids. Also, they moved from England - I suspect this has more to do with the studio casting a kid with an English accent than anything else (because the trip that the family takes that leads to him being left home alone is to Tokyo, not to back to England to visit family or friends, and I suspect that the writers decided to make it Tokyo as a way to make the mom’s trip back to Illinois take longer than if she were traveling back from London). But also… why’d they cast with an English accent? (Also, all the “visiting” cousins and aunts and uncles, who are at the house in preparation for leaving in the morning to fly to Tokyo, are American.)
The movie does a nice job of giving Ellie Kemper’s character and her husband (the people whom Max is going to defend his house against) a decent amount of screen time and actual reason to be breaking and entering (or, as the case may be, “entering”). She’s a teacher, he’s an unemployed tech guy, and they’re going to sell their house that they can longer afford on just her teacher’s salary (a secret they’re keeping from their own kids), and then they realize that they have a doll that they can sell on eBay for $200,000 and it’ll solve their problems! But oh, no! During an open house, the doll vanished! They realize that Max must have stolen it (he and his mum stopped in during the open house because he really needed pee… and then the movie goes on to make it seem like they live pretty damn close to Max’s house, so why they couldn’t have just gone home - or found a gas station - is beyond me). They’re aware that Max’s family has left for vacation, so they plan to wait and then go talk to them rationally … but then their situation escalates and they can’t wait, so they hatch a plan.
Hijinks ensue when Max misunderstands and thinks that Ellie Kemper and her husband are trying to abduct him and sell him to an old lady.
My biggest complaint would be:
Why are they English?!
Ellie Kemper deserves more screen time.
And this kid goes from seemingly being very ill-equipped to defend himself against a possible abduction to being a MacGyver/Rambo mashup WAY too easily.
Also, Buzz shows up as a cop (the original actor!), and it really seems like he’s going to be in it more, but it was really just a glorified cameo. Whoever failed to write him into more of the movie is a trout sniffer.
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“The Hunt” (2020)
R, 90 minutes, directed by Craig Zobel, written by Nick Cuse and Damon Lindelof
Stream on HBO Max as of 16 September 2021 or rent digitally on major video platforms.
Notable performers: Betty Gilpin is amazing in this. Hilary Swank kills it. Emma Roberts is here and I love her! Ike Barinholtz deserves an honorable mention–he’s always adorable.
Why you should watch it in general: It’s a delightful, murderous romp!
Why you should watch it while you’re stuck at home: I already told you, it’s a delightful, murderous romp! Plus, it’ll make you glad you’re safe at home and no one can kidnap you while you’re commuting to work.
Is it part of a franchise: No.
Have I seen it before: Just once.
Does the trailer do it justice: It depends on the trailer you watch. One of them gives away too much. The other (the one linked here) is like “here’s the premise and we’re gonna get you hooked!” And it does.
This movie is smart and fun. It’s also not afraid to pull some tricks (that I won’t tell you about). It’s also pretty gory. But since it’s about hunting people (rather than a monster movie), the goriness is at least “contained” to “regular” means of bodily harm, rather than like some monster that rips a person in half and then you see more viscera than you planned. This is like gunshot wounds and landmines blowing people up. So there’s that.
Have you seen the 2010 “Predators” movie with Topher Grace? It’s kind of like, in that a bunch of people are abducted and randomly thrown together to be hunted–in this case by humans rather than Predator aliens–and they have to decide how they’re going to work together to get out of their situation.
Hijinks ensue!
And there’s plenty of dashes of humor throughout. You’ll love it. I promise
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“Parallel” (2018)
Rating, 104 minutes, directed by Isaac Ezban, screenplay by Scott Blaszak
Stream on Amazon Prime Video or Vudu as of 9 September 2021 or rent digitally on major video platforms.
Notable performers: I like Georgia King. So, her. The main cast does some pretty nice work.
Why you should watch it in general: It’s a fun, parallel universe movie!
Why you should watch it while you’re stuck at home: It’ll make you want to start looking around your house for inexplicable parts of your architecture that might reveal crawlspaces housing mystical mirrors to other dimensions!
Is it part of a franchise: No.
Have I seen it before: No.
Does the trailer do it justice: Yeah, I’d say so. It sets it up and doesn’t spoil anything.
*Special section* Does the poster art do it justice: God no! It looks like it’s trying to be “Tenet” before before “Tenet” was even a movie. This poster art is just… a silly action movie. And this isn’t that movie.
The setup of this movie is a bit corny: App developers pitching a parking-space-sharing-app who find out that they have an impossible deadline or the company they’re pitching to is handing it over to another developer. And then they find out that there’s a fake wall in the house they rent (how do people not realize when they have weird walls that don’t do anything and just take up floor space?), and it leads them to the discovery of a mirror that takes them to parallel universes. But ALSO, time is compressed while you’re in one of the parallel universes, so you can get way more done and then come back to our universe and instead of days, only hours of passed. How convenient for their dilemma!
Interesting things ensue: They realize that in creative fields, the universes have wildly different things happening, so they start poaching technology and plagiarizing art. Because why not?
It’s compelling. Have I compelled you to give it a try?
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“A Classic Horror Story” (2021)
TV-MA, 95 minutes, directed by Roberto de Feo and Paolo Strippoli, screenplay by Lucio Besana, Roberto de Feo, Paolo Strippoli, Milo Tissone, and David Bellini
Stream on Netflix as of 25 July 2021.
Notable performers: Matilda Anna Ingrid Lutz and Alida Baldari Calabria
Why you should watch it in general: You’re a fan of horror. And don’t mind weird Italian shit.
Why you should watch it while you’re stuck at home: It’ll make you rally glad you’re not traveling across country with strangers
Is it part of a franchise: No
Have I seen it before: No
Does the trailer do it justice: Eh
First, do NOT watch the English dub. Watch with the Italian audio. The English dub voice actors are not good. Also, there is some English, so then things get confusing.
Secondly, it gets better, so if you feel like bailing after the first 12 minutes, don’t.
That being said, it’s interesting. It’s gory. It’s a horror movie. There’s a brief bit with some “Midsommar” vibes and you’re gonna be like, “IS this just a weird low budget Italian knock off of that movie?!” But then that passes. It’s worth it.
That’s all I can tell you.
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“Crazy Rich Asians” (2018)
PG-13, 121 minutes, directed by Jon M Chu, screenplay by Peter Chiarelli and Adele Lim, based on the novel by Kevin Kwan
Stream on HBO Max as of 13 May 2021 or rent digitally on major video platforms.
Notable performers: Constance Wu strikes this great balance between “I know my shit” and also “I’m a vulnerable person who has to put up with other people’s putting me through hell for stupid reasons” (while having the best bad ass moments! Also, Michelle Yeoh is always delightful and this movie is no exception! She gets the opening badd ass moment of the movie, but then also is one of the people putting Constance Wu’s character through unnecessary shit. It’s great. Also Awkwafina is in this movie as the comic relief and she DELIVERS!
Why you should watch it in general: It’s awesome. But also, it’s Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month and “Crazy Rich Asians” has some really interesting things to say about the family dynamics of Asian families and their children who to America and what that means and then also what it means to be Asian American interacting with Asian people who may not view you as “Asian” enough. (There’s also some funny soapy elements!)
Why you should watch it while you’re stuck at home: It’ll help broaden your horizons!
Is it part of a franchise: No, but it totally could be with all the different plot stuff happening.
Have I seen it before: Yes.
Does the trailer do it justice: Yeah.
It’s a rom-com. But way more interesting than the standard rom-com fare.
There’s so many good things in this movie! As a rom-com, it does delve into a bunch of the tropes, but it does a good job of not getting bogged down in them. For example, there’s the “people are trying to break us up, and instead of just talking to you about it because I should know better than to just fall for the asinine shit that other people are doing and run away, but then we’ll resolve it by the end of the movie” plot. But movies require conflict. They can’t just be, “Let’s go meet my family and everything goes smoothly and we get married” because that’s not a plot, that’s just people being pleasant.
Also, if the entire movie was just people being pleasant, there’d be no cool climactic gamesmanship bad ass moment for Constance Wu’s Rachel Chu character!
Please go watch it! (And I apologize that I have no basis for comparison to the novel.)
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“Barb & Star Go To Vista Del Mar” (2021)
R, 107 minutes, directed by Josh Greenbaum, written by Annie Mumolo and Kristen Wiig
Rent digitally on major video platforms as of 6 May 2020.
Notable performers: Kristen Wiig and Annie Mumolo and Jamie Durban!
Why you should watch it in general: It’s such a damn treat!
Why you should watch it while you’re stuck at home: Watching it is like a vacation. You’ll laugh your ass off while taking in the beauty of Florida.
Is it part of a franchise: No (but I want a sequel or two)!
Have I seen it before: No.
Does the trailer do it justice: Nope (but that’s okay)
I know I’m breaking my rules here because it’s not streaming on a service anywhere so you’ll have to rent it or buy it. But it’s so good! You won’t regret treating yourself to this movie.
The trailer avoids this, but *spoiler alert* it quickly becomes apparent that you’re not watching a movie about a couple of middle aged ladies from Nebraska going to Florida for a vacation. The twist (which is immediate) is so delightful!
It’s part “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” and part “Austin Powers” (in the best way possible).
I don’t want to give too much away because I want you to have the joy of the movie washing over you like hanging out in the surf of the Florida coastline. But there’s a number of awesome musical numbers. And some unexpected sexuality that the ladies display.
It’s so good!
Throw on your culottes, make a cocktail, and go on vacay with Barb and Star!
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“Hush” (2016)
R, 82 minutes, directed by Mike Flanagan, written by Mike Flanagan and Kate Siegel.
Stream on Netflix as of April 2021.
Notable performers: Kate Siegel is awesome! (John Gallagher Jr. is delightfully creepy.)
Why you should watch it in general: This movie is like a master class in minimalist filmmaking.
Why you should watch it while you’re stuck at home: It might make you afraid of being at home, actually!
Is it part of a franchise: No.
Have I seen it before: No.
Does the trailer do it justice: Yes!
This movie is good! The premise is incredibly simple: A woman lives alone, kind of in the middle of nowhere, and she’s deaf and mute, so she doesn’t realize when her neighbor shows up bleeding, banging on her door, and pleading to be let in. The neighbor is then finished off while Maddie continues to be oblivious to what is happening right outside her door.
Creepy shit ensues (as seen in the trailer) as the psycho killer proceeds to gain entry into Maddie’s house and then steal her phone and then he sends her pictures of herself from her phone while she’s on her laptop trying to write her novel. It’s so sinister and gross and awful and compelling.
Like.
What the fuck?
How creeped out would you be?
They do some nice things to establish how the climax is going to play out, but it’s a bit twisty on the way there. And maintains its compelling nature throughout. It’s a breezy 82 minutes (and by that, I mean “full of tension the entire fucking time!”)
Just watch it already!
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“The Final Girls” (2015)
PG-13, 91 minutes, directed by Todd Strauss-Schulson, written by M.A. Fortin and Joshua John Miller
Stream on Showtime as of 22 April 2021 or rent digitally on major video platforms.
Notable performers: Taissa Farmiga does a great job leading this cast, Malin Akerman does a really good job of portraying both a “20-something actress playing a high school-aged camp counselor” as well as “40ish, irresponsible mom”, Alexander Ludwig finally gets to show some range that he hasn’t gotten to do, and Alia Shawkat is here doing what she does best.
Why you should watch it in general: You enjoy movies that play with the tropes of their genre (particularly when that genre is horror).
Why you should watch it while you’re stuck at home: It’ll make you glad you’re not at summer camp.
Is it part of a franchise: No, unfortunately.
Have I seen it before: No.
Does the trailer do it justice: Yeah.
This movie is doing all kinds of interesting things.
It’s a comedy. It’s a horror movie. It’s a “time loop movie” - except it does interesting things with the time loop genre also (the characters aren’t really in a time loop, they’re stuck in the plot of a movie, and if they don’t properly engage with the plot, the movie loops them until they re-engage with the plot (the mechanic only comes up a couple times).
There’s an initial scene where we learn that Max (Taissa Farmiga) is the “responsible teen” while her mom, Amanda, (Malin Akerman) is the “slacker parent”. And then they immediately get into a car accident, and the accident is shown in an unnecessarily long, bad CGI scene. I’m totally not spoiling anything about this accident, because as soon as they start driving, the movie is telegraphing through camera angles (and the total lack of attention that is being given to the road) that they’re about to be in a car accident. And then they are! The scene could have cut at the moment of impact (and they could have saved the money spent on the CGI car crash elsewhere in the movie). Aside from a time jump to three years later, and living with the trauma of having lost her mom, Max has no lasting physical injuries or anything, so it’s not like seeing the entirety of the accident gives us any additional context for the rest of the movie. It was quite a strange choice.
So… three years later, Max is invited to speak at a showing of a horror classic that her mom starred in back in the day. Then, through some strange coincidences between the movie audience of the movie within the movie, our main group of teens find them magically transported into Max’s mom’s horror movie!
Only, at first they don’t realize what’s going on and it takes them a couple hours to figure out that they need to engage with the plot of the movie.
Hilarity and hijinks ensue!
There’s some awesome camera shots sprinkled throughout, some cool staging of scenes, some fun dance numbers, and interesting meta jokes (“Is New Wave real?”).
Give it a try!
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“1922” (2017)
TV-MA, 102 minutes, directed by Zak Hilditch, screenplay by Zak Hilditch, based on the novel by Stephen King
Stream on Netflix.
Notable performers: Molly Parker is great as the wife; Thomas Jane is great as the deranged husband; Dylan Schmid does nice work as the son of this dysfunctional family.
Why you should watch it in general: It’s based on Stephen King (Hey, Stephen!)
Why you should watch it while you’re stuck at home: It’s a nice time filler.
Is it part of a franchise: No - however, it is a Netflix film based on a Stephen King work and it really feels like Netflix could have a whole cinematic universe based on King’s works (see “In the Tall Grass”).
Have I seen it before: No.
Does the trailer do it justice: More of less.
At times, this movie reminded of “The Lodge” (and not just the part where it’s winter) and at other times it vibed very similarly to “In the Tall Grass”, both of which excited me.
It’s more of a slow-burn-psychological-horror than a straight-up-horror, but there’s still plenty of horrific imagery sprinkled throughout. I’m pretty sure I had to peek at the screen through my fingers a couple of times. It does an interesting job building to its conclusion and it’s definitely worth your while.
Also, if you’re watching it going, “Why do I recognize the wife?!” It’s because she was on “House of Cards” and you probably forgot.
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“Empire Records” (1995)
It’s Rex Manning Day!
If you don’t know what that means, keep reading. If you do know what that means, you probably watched the movie already today.
PG-13, 90 minutes, directed by Allan Moyle, screenplay by Carol Heikkinen
Stream on Tubi as of 8 April 2021 or rent digitally on major video platforms.
Notable performers: Liv Tyler. Rory Cochrane. Johnny Whitworth. Renée Zellweger. Robin Tunney. ... just read the IMDb page.
Why you should watch it in general: It’s a classic, goddammit. And that soundtrack!
Why you should watch it while you’re stuck at home: It’ll make you want to go dig through your old records, and you’ve got the time to listen to them! (Or at least rummage through your music streaming app of choice for tunes you’ve been ignoring.)
Is it part of a franchise: No, but it definitely feels like it could be part of a big 90s cinematic universe.
Have I seen it before: Of course.
Does the trailer do it justice: I’m just gonna go with no. The trailer... makes some choices.
It’s like the coolest place to work with the coolest coworkers. And it’s a movie!
Are there some issues with the obvious “we’re dressing Liv and Renée specifically for the male gaze” issues? Yes, yes there are. But at least their characters feel like real people rather than sex objects (even though one of them has a plot line that’s purely about getting banged by a celebrity (while simultaneously being the object of desire of her male coworker/friend)... the movie... makes some choices).
Also, if you’re spending the entire movie going, “why do I recognize Mark?” It’s because it’s on “Grace & Frankie”, something else you should watch if you’re not already.
Anyway. This workplace dramedy movie is basically an angsty 90s teen movie, but it also has a subplot about a washed up 80s soft rocker (previously mentioned as the celebrity Liv Tyler is attempting to bang) and they ring some good humor out of how out-of-date he is: Here’s there for autograph signings as part of his latest release and we see a woman who’s a full on adult (either late 20s or early 30s) who says “you were my favorite singer in high school!” and he’s like “… well who’s your favorite singer now?”; and then a teen there to get an autograph who admits it’s for her mom and she’s never heard of him; and then an elderly woman who serenades him with his own song (in a “she’s trying, but eesh” rendition). It’s Rex Manning Day!
There’s plenty of weird blips of customers (think the interstitials from “Superstore”, but way more 90s), and it occasionally pushes the boundaries of breaking the fourth wall. (There’s also a weird GWAR cameo.)
It’s a treat! So treat yo self! It’s Rex Manning Day! Damn the man. Save the Empire!
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“Little Evil” (2017)
TV-MA, 95 minutes, directed by Eli Craig, screenplay by Eli Craig
Stream on Netflix.
Notable performers: Adam Scott!!! Also, Evangeline Lilly!
Why you should watch it in general: It’s a charming horror comedy of the “demon spawn child” variety with Adam Scott as the step-dad of the demon spawn. Why wouldn’t you watch?
Why you should watch it while you’re stuck at home: You need something to laugh about.
Is it part of a franchise: No, sorry.
Have I seen it before: No.
Does the trailer do it justice: Yeah.
This delightful movie!
It’s charming, it’s clever, it plays with gender norms, it talks about parenting in such a fun way that the kid might as well not be demon spawn.
The only negative thing I can saw about it is that Adam Scott goes to a water park but he wears a swim shirt the entire time! (But also, Evangeline Lilly could have used more screen time.)
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“Underwater” (2020)
R, 95 minutes, directed by William Eubank, screenplay by Brian Duffield and Adam Cozad.
Stream on HBO Max or rent digitally on major video platforms, as of 11 February 2021.
Notable performers: Kristen Stewart!
Why you should watch it in general: It’s a tense movie that’ll have you on the edge of your seat!
Why you should watch it while you’re stuck at home: It’ll make you glad your home isn’t an underwater mining station.
Is it part of a franchise: No.
Have I seen it before: No.
Does the trailer do it justice: Yeah. But also, the trailer emphasizes that they’re “5,000 miles from land” which is impossible; the furthest distance from land (found on Earth) is 1,670 miles, known as Point Nemo.
It’s a tense movie (with some claustrophobia inducing moments) that might remind you of “The Abyss” or “Sphere” (does anyone else still wish the “Sphere” movie had lived up to the novel?). There’s a crew in a deep sea mining station, suddenly things go awry, and they find themselves in a fight for survival against the crumbling station they’ve been assigned to. Oh, and some creepy ass monsters!
Without giving too much away: Kristen Stewart gets to shine in this movie, channeling some Sigourney Weaver realness as a Ripley for a new generation. The movie came out in January and kind of bombed at the box office (a full two months before the pandemic really started causing the movie going public to stop being the movie going public, so we can’t really blame the pandemic for the poor box office receipts), which means we’re probably never going to get any kind of sequel or franchise building from this one, which is a shame because we would love to see Kristen Stewart return to the depths for a follow up (that climax screams “world building”).
Go watch it!
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Skip: “The Rental” (2020)
This post is going to explain why you should skip watching “The Rental”, a “horror” movie about renting a place for the weekend from a web site (such as AirBNB), the feature directorial debut of Dave Franco (also, written by Dave Franco and Joe Swanberg).
First, watch this trailer:
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It looks like an exciting horror movie starring Alison Brie, right?
Wrong!
(I’m going to dive into some spoilers here, so bail now if you want to watch it for yourself for some reason first.)
The movie spends the first hour just being this vaguely moody drama about these two couples, joined by the fact that the two dudes are brothers. (And surprise - one of the brothers is an absolute slacker and the other is some kind of creative genius. Who would have guessed a movie with weird pacing issues with rely on such a cliche family dynamic to create “tension” and help drive the plot?)
Stuff unfolds very slowly, building to the “successful” brother (Dan Stevens) cheating on Alison Brie with his brother’s (Jeremy Allen White) girlfriend (Sheila Vand) (who also, basically unnecessarily, happens to be the business partner of Mr. Success - a quick rewrite that movies the opening scene out of their work place and into an apartment, and some general sense that they’re into each other for social reasons would have made this less cliché (so many clichés). Sheila Vand quickly realizes that they were surreptitiously recorded having sex and then she and Dan Stevens start trying to figure out how they’re going to prevent the owner of the rental from revealing to Alison Brie and Jeremy Allen White that they were unfaithful.
Remember, we’re in a movie … a horror movie that from the trailer looks actually exciting! But the secret is, the horror movie elements seen in the trailer are all from about the last 5 minutes of the movie.
So they scheme about what they’re going to do. And then Alison Brie calls the owner because the hot tub won’t work and Vand and Stevens are like, “you called him to come over here? WTF?” And Brie is like, “I want to use the hot tub and you apparently broke it. Sue me.”
The owner arrives, and there’s a confrontation. The owner dies - or so we’re lead to believe - and then everybody starts freaking out about what to do. Alison Brie wants to call the cops: slacker boy can go to jail - he killed somebody! Then the audience gets to realize that the guy didn’t actually die in the confrontation, but while the “Friends” gang is freaking out, a third party arrives and creeps into the house and finishes the owner off, and the audience gets to find out that the owner had nothing to do with the camera but this Third Party Murderer seems to be in control of the cameras.
This brings me to my second reason why should skip this movie.
Stuff continues, there’s still a bit of movie before all the actual horror movie stuff from the trailer happens, including an entire sequence of “let’s get rid of the body” that turns into “we’re mutilating a corpse and we’re okay with that.” It’s not great.
So:
The owner of the house, it’s later revealed, had absolutely nothing to do with the cameras. Third Party Murderer was truly a third party, who happens to go around renting places on VRBO or whatever, and installs cameras everywhere, then leaves, and waits for other renters to show up, and uses copies of the keys he made to get in and go to Murder Town on those new renters.
Fine. It’s an interesting concept. The execution was sloppy.
But then… Dave Franco just had to go and open his dumb, beautiful mouth.
In an interview for IndieWire, Franco is quoted as saying:
The idea was inspired by own paranoia about the concept of home sharing, where I think about how the country is as divided as it's ever been, and no one trusts each other. Yet, we trust staying in the home of a stranger simply because of a few positive reviews online. In reality, while we were filming the movie there were new articles coming out every week about homeowners getting cameras in their place. All that being said, I still use all of the home sharing apps. In fact, I stayed in an Airbnb while filming this movie. I guess I was trying to explore that disconnect where we are all aware of the risks of staying in a stranger's home, but we never think anything bad will actually happen to us.
(Emphasis mine.)
What the fuck, Franco?
Your movie is expressly not about the owners putting cameras in their places and renting them out! Your movie is about some psycho who goes around with murderous intent and happens to use rentals as a way to cover his tracks (which I still don’t think would work, because to cover his tracks is he stealing credit cards to make the initial rentals where he goes in to set his trap? How does this work so he doesn’t get caught?). In the real world, if someone on AirBNB was renting their place out and then murdering people, they’d be caught red handed!
Franco, your concept and intent need to match what you’re presenting to your audience. You can’t put a movie out there (or any piece of art) and then afterwards try to shoehorn an idea like “well, we can’t trust who we’re renting from” into said movie where you very specifically told the audience “guess what, it’s not the owner!”
At least you’re pretty.
Also, it’s only after the 5 minutes of actual horror movie content at the end of the movie that we find out in a postscript that the Creepy Murder Man is just a deranged person who rents places, copies keys, installs cameras, and then leaves and waits to come back for murder. I’m all for a slow burn, but this is a slow burn that fizzles out.
Save your time.
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“Malevolent” (2018)
TV-MA, 89 minutes, directed by Olaf de Fleur Johannesson, screenplay by Ben Ketai and Eva Konstatopoulus, based on the novel “Hush” by Eva Konstantopoulus
Stream on Netflix.
Notable performers: There’s a huge change that I’m only recommending this movie because of Florence Pugh.
Why you should watch it in general: You like creepy scary movies! Also, it’s a period piece with great 80s fashion.
Why you should watch it while you’re stuck at home: It’ll make you glad you’re just stuck with your personal ghosts and not other people’s.
Is it part of a franchise: No.
Have I seen it before: No.
Does the trailer do it justice: Yes.
This movie strikes a nice balance between a psychological thriller and a straight up horror movie. (Once the horror starts though, things get a little grizzly.)
You’ve got Jackson and Angela, siblings, and their two friends, who go around scamming people pretending that Angela is a medium. But then her gift turns out to be real (and the movie never really addresses how or why her powers suddenly activated, but their late mother supposedly had powers, so it’s probably that Angela’s powers were real the entire time and they just were being hired by people who didn’t have actual real paranormal problems).
They end up at a job and things go a little sideways. Jackson is kind of a dick. Sibling stuff!
It’s compelling, if a bit of a slow burn. Give it a watch, it’s on Netflix!
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“The Triangle” (2009)
R, 99 minutes, directed by Christopher Smith, written by Christopher Smith
Stream on Amazon Prime Video via IMDbTV, Pluto, Filmrise, Youtube or rent digitally on major video platforms, as of 10 January 2021. (But I’d recommend if you have Amazon, doing it there, because I think they have a slightly higher quality stream of it - all of them will have commercials.)
Notable performers: Melissa George is a queen.
Why you should watch it in general: You like clever horror movies where the horror is secondary to how cleverly done the movie is.
Why you should watch it while you’re stuck at home: Watching it while you can’t go out will make you glad that you won’t inadvertently have the kind of day that Jess is having in this movie.
Is it part of a franchise: No.
Have I seen it before: No.
Does the trailer do it justice: Yeah, but it’s definitely one of those “Aughts Horror Movie Trailers”. (Side note, if you “watch the trailer” on Amazon, it’ll play a clip from the movie that is not worth watching.)
As I mentioned above, it’s clever, which means that’s a limited amount I can say without ruining it. But also, the trailer pretty much tells you that Jess (Melissa George) is in for a weird “Groundhog’s Day” style movie. Except it’s even more clever than that.
There’s a lot of gore so that it can slot into the horror movie genre, but this could have been done as a thriller with the same script but just shot in such a way that it wouldn’t be so gory.
I fucking loved this movie!
Trigger warning: There is a scene of child abuse (it’s mostly verbal, but there’s also some slapping.)
Spoiler zone ahead!
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“Coherence” (2013)
Not Rated, 89 minutes, directed by James Ward Byrkit, screenplay by James Ward Byrkit
Stream on Hulu, Amazon Prime, Tubi, Crackle, etc. as of 14 January 2021.
Notable performers: Emily Baldoni and Nicholas Brendon (of “Buffy” fame!) (Though his character in the movie claims to have been a main character on the TV show “Roswell”, which is a little strange, but also, weirdly relevant to the plot in that there’s a bunch of cute winks to the “we’re in a movie about weird shit happening”.)
Why you should watch it in general: You should watch this movie if you like trippy scenarios that are gonna mess with your head.
Why you should watch it while you’re stuck at home: It’ll make you glad you’re not having dinner parties with people.
Is it part of a franchise: No, but I kind of wouldn’t mind if there were some “midquels” where we get to see what other people are doing during the same timeframe as this movie.
Have I seen it before: No.
Does the trailer do it justice: Eh.
First, I have to tell you: The production quality of this movie is a bit weird. The sound mixing during the main dinner party that kicks it off is pretty terrible. One could plausibly try to argue that it’s entirely intentional to try and add to the uncomfortableness of the social engagement (because several characters are a bit uncomfortable), but it really just comes across as bad sound mixing that’ll maybe make your ears hurt. Once the plot gets going, there are fewer people trying to talk over each other, so it calms down and is less grating. But they also keep making this choice that when a scene ends, they cut to black for like a full beat in a way that’s distracting (and sometimes those “scene ends” are really more of a time break in the conversation at the dinner party table, so it’s a super weird choice).
Secondly, when they start talking about Schrödinger’s cat (because of the less-than-awesome production quality choices that have been made so far), you might want to roll your eyes at “oh, is this going to be a terrible movie thought experiments and philosophy and shit?” And for a brief little bit, you’re kind of right to roll your eyes. And then later you’re going to start to go “well, they’re doing a ‘Remedial Chaos Theory’ from Community…”
But.
This movie pays it all off so well, once Emily starts to realize that stuff is wonkier than any of the others realize, it really picks up some good steam. And the pay off! It builds to such a good conclusion that I had to forgive the sins of the first act. I hope you’ll give a watch.
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