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thebuckysoldier · 4 years

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Identical Mosters - chapter 8

Bucky Barnes x reader

Summary: The reader is new at the compound and doesn’t talk to anyone there. She befriends Bucky over a shared trauma all while trying to find her own place in the compound.

Word count: 3.1K

Warnings: lack of food, angry Steve

A/N: Freaking finally, i finally wrote an update? Is this really happening? I guess it is. So please enjoy, to make up for the very long wait i made this chapter a bit longer then usual.

Identical Monsters - masterpage

(GIF is not mine)

The mission the next day went by quickly, the Intel had been the tiniest bit wrong but everyone improvised a little and made it work. Meaning, it didn’t go by flawlessly, but it definitely could have been worse. That being said, that is also how you ended up here, on the way back on the quinjet, getting yelled at by Steve with multiple people around the table.

“Y/N what you did was reckless and dangerous” Steve’s voice sounded loud, very annoyed and also a bit angry.

“Sam could have handled himself. You had your own assignment, which, granted, you already finished it but your assignment clearly said to go back to the quinjet when done.” He continued yelling at you.

Sam was on the other side of the quinjet, Bruce was with him to take care of his wounds. It didn’t look pretty, but he’ll survive, that’s what Bruce said. At most he’d be unable to join in on missions for the next 3 months.

When you were on your way back, doing exactly as Steve had told you to do, you ran into Sam. He was being cornered but multiple guys and it didn’t look good for him. You knew what your mission was, your intrusions were strict and clear, straight back to the quinjet. But, Sam needed help. So you did the latter, the two of you fought and fought, and eventually Steve found the two of you when you were about to fight of a guy at least triple your size who was about to attack Sam from behind. Steve helped out but you already knew he wasn’t happy. You just wanted to do good, you wanted to help.

“We don’t trade lives around here, Y/n.” The way he had said it caused a shiver to run down your spine. That was also the moment Bucky lost it. He had been sitting behind you, not wanting to interfere. He didn’t know if you’d want him to or not. But he couldn’t handle it anymore, not with the way Steve had been screaming at you. You didn’t deserve to be screamed at like this, you’d done well. Bucky didn’t know how much worse Sam would have been if you hadn’t been there, probably a lot worse.

Bucky stood up as quickly as he could, slamming his fist down on the surface of the table, shocking everyone around it. Bucky then proceeded to point at Steve with the same hand he had just hit the table with. Through gritted teeth out of anger he spoke to Steve in a low voice.

“Don’t yell at her like that, Steve.”

Bucky’s voice almost sounds threatening. Steve is taken aback, it was very clear to see. Turns out Bucky hadn’t talked to him after all. You were touched by Bucky’s action, thankful as well. Steve obviously cared a lot about what Bucky thought, I guess that’s what you get for being friends since childhood. It was as if Bucky’s words had woken him up, Steve shut up immediately.

  Your hand touched Bucky’s forearm, the one that wasn’t made out of vibranium, telling him that you were okay, you were all right. Your action shocked him, the soft skin of your palm felt good against his skin. Your hands were cold compared to him, but that might have been because he felt like you had just set of fire inside of him. You had touched him, willingly. He then looked at your face, trying to find any emotion and what he found was gratefulness alongside a small smile. It was nice to see you smile.

Steve was shocked by the interaction unfolding right on the other side of the table. He hadn’t seen nor suspected the two of you to interact. Steve turned around, but not before saying a last few words.

“You’re off missions. You’re not ready.”

His words hit you like a truck. It hurt. This was exactly what you were afraid of. Steve had taken an insecurity of yours and played right into it.

The first thing your mind thought was that he was right. You had disobeyed orders. You knew your tasks and choose to ignore them. Sam would never need your help, he was very capable of taking care of himself. Why would he ever need someone like you to help him?

You gave Bucky another grateful smile, but to him you looked more devastated then anything else. You turned away from him too, only to catch the eyes of Natasha, reminding you of the mistakes you had made. Ashamed you bowed your had and took a seat in the corner. You saw Bucky glance at Nat as well before giving you one last look and then sitting down on the other side of the quinjet. He understood you needed your space right now, you wanted to be alone.

When the quinjet landed everyone went to the debriefing. You got yelled at a little more in front of everybody by Steve but this time it was Tony who stopped him.

  “You made your point Steve. She knows what went wrong, and she knows the consequences.”

After that no one really said anything to you. When the debriefing was over you went to your room and didn’t come out until much later that night. You had missed dinner but you weren’t hungry anyway. But when you entered the kitchen around 10pm it was empty except for Tony and Steve sitting at the table, their voices were already hushed but when they noticed you they stopped talking all together. You quickly grabbed a banana and a cup of water and left the room again. On your way back you stopped by Sam, he was still in the medical center but he was sleeping. He looked peaceful, and not in pain, so at least that was a good thing. You made eye contact with Bruce who was still taking care of some work at the center but you quickly made yourself scarce after.

You passed Bucky’s room as well, you could see the light was still on inside and you contemplated knocking on his door to talk about today but decided against it. He probably wouldn’t want to talk to you anyway, you got him in an argument with his best friend.

Once back in your room you put the banana and the cup down on your night stand and turned off the lights. Without taking a bite or a sip you laid down in bed, but time kept passing by and sleep never came.

Around midnight Bucky left his room, he wanted to make sure you were okay after today but after he saw that the lights in your room were turned off he choose to go back to his room. He could understand, today had probably cost you a lot of energy so you went to sleep early. But oh boy, how wrong he was.

It was around 4am and you were still staring out of the window, outside it was dark but you could still distinguish the trees around the compound from the night sky.

You must have fallen asleep at some point throughout the night as you were woken up around 8am by someone knocking on the door. Climbing out the bed and opening the door you find Sam on the other side. You awkwardly tell him good morning and he returns the favor.

“Sorry for coming by this early but I wanted to thank you for yesterday, Bruce just discharged me from medical” he said, taking you by surprise.

“Bruce told me as well, but only a fool is dumb enough not to know that I would have been off a lot worse if it wasn’t for you. I know Steve yelled at you, but don’t take it at heart, he doesn’t always know what he is talking about, I’m sure many of us would agree with me. The guy is one of my best friends, and he means well but he doesn’t always show it the best way. I think you did good on yesterday’s mission, keep training and you’ll get even better. Bruce also told me you stopped by yesterday evening, so thank you for helping me and checking in on me as well.”

“It’s okay, really. I’m glad you’re okay.”

Sam gave you another smile and then told you he was going to his own bed to catch some more sleep.

You closed to the door behind him and made your way to the shower since you hadn’t taken one last night. Once done you changed into some sportswear and put a nice sweater over it, it was the one you had worn the evening you and Bucky spent your time eating ice cream in the kitchen in stead of training like you usually did. Just as you were about to leave the room, another knock on your door caught you attention.

Opening the door again, it showed Steve this time. He cleared his throat before speaking up.

“Good morning” he greeted you.

“Good morning” you replied to him.

“Bucky helped me realize that I might have been a bit harsh on you yesterday, so I came to apologize to you. I realize that you were just trying to help, but your instructions were clear so I hope you understand why I made the decisions I made, because I haven’t changed my mind about them.”

You nod your head. “Okay, thank you Steve, for apologizing and letting me know.”

He gives you a nod back.

“We’ll look again in a few weeks to see if you’re ready”

“Okay,” is the only thing you reply.

“I- uh.” Steve clears his throat again before continuing, “I saw Bucky in the training room in case you were looking for him.” You give him a tight smile with another nod before he leaves for his own room without another word.

You close the door behind him and your gaze falls on the banana you had taken to your room last night. You really should eat something, not eating for this long is unhealthy. So you take the cup and drink it’s contents, then take the banana and leave your room. While eating the banana you make your way to the training room, where Steve said Bucky would be.

It wasn’t like you wanted to talk to Bucky, but you were in the need to speak to someone and you knew Bucky wouldn’t mind. So entering the gym he’s the only person you find, which is weird for this time of the day. A lot of the people living here enjoyed a early morning gym session, it was a great and healthy way to start the day.

“Good morning,” you greeted him in a soft voice.

He looks up in surprise, you could understand why. He probably hadn’t expected to see you, since you missed dinner last night as well.

“Good morning” he said with a smile. “How did you sleep?” He then asked, watching your still tired state.

“I’ve had better nights.”

Bucky remembered your lights being off pretty early in the evening so at least you went to bed on time. Maybe the nightmares were just unbearable last night. Now he wished he had knocked on your door last night, maybe he could’ve eased your mind about the mission and you would’ve slept better.

“Did you eat?”

Another question.

You hummed while making your way to the yoga mats in the corner of the room. “I ate a banana.”

Bucky was over by the weights, watching you start to stretch. He had stopped actually lifting the weights once you came in, he was distracted. You looked tired and pale, he didn’t want to interfere but you didn’t look healthy.

“I don’t think you’ve eaten enough, you don’t look too good,” he said after contemplating if he should or not.

You let out a huff as you started to do some kind of fitness exercise.

“I’m fine, it’s just the lack of good sleep and the fact that I just woke up,” you defended yourself. It wasn’t like you didn’t know what you were doing, it was just a work out. You’d eat more after.

“Are you sure?” Bucky asked one last time, continuing his own work out.

“Yeah” you answered him.

The two of you continued your workouts in silence. To Bucky you seemed to be lost in your own thoughts, he could only imagine what you were thinking about, probably yesterday’s mission. He made sure to keep an eye on your while doing his own work out, which turned out to be a good thing to do.

At one point while you were doing squats you just collapsed. Bucky didn’t know how fast to drop the weights still in his hands and run over to you. You didn’t respond to him when he called your name, your eyes were closed.

“FRIDAY, tell Tony and Bruce to come to the training room now. Say it’s an emergency and that it’s about Y/N” You couldn’t hear his voice but he sounded scared and desperate.

“I am letting them know right now, Mr. Barnes” FRIDAY replied to him.

His hand was on your cheek while his heart was pumping at a rapid pace. His mind went to all the wrong places, he knew it probably would just be the amount of sleep and food, or rather the lack of those but he couldn’t help but let his mind cloud up with ‘what if’s’.

You were still out when Bruce came running into the room, he was already dressed so he must have been up and at the lab already. As soon as he saw your state he took place next to you and checking your pulse, which was still there luckily.

As both Bucky and Bruce were bent over you, Tony arrived as well. Bucky noticed him first, he was still dressed in what seemed like pajamas, he was never really the one to wake up early. With Tony it was one or the other, he either didn’t sleep at all or slept in until like 2 in the afternoon.

“What the hell is going on?” Tony said walking over to you and letting Bruce know he had arrived as well.

“She just collapsed while doing a work out” Bucky replied to Tony.

“Any more information?” Tony asked.

“She looked pale and tired. Said she hadn’t slept well, and I know for a fact she hasn’t been sleeping well any other night. She also missed dinner last night and informed me the only thing she had eaten since probably before yesterday’s mission was a banana.”

Both Tony and Bruce nodded. That was also the moment you started to stir again. Groaning you opened your eyes only to find Bucky and Bruce hanging over you and Tony standing close and looking at you.

“Well, good morning kid, what the hell is going on?”

You blinked your eyes a couple of times before scooting away from them, creating some kind of distance between all of you. Resting your back against the wall behind you, you look at the three of them with big eyes, feeling a headache start to show up.

“Have you been eating enough lately, Y/N? You weren’t at dinner last night?” Bruce then asks.

You cleared your throat. “Yeah, I fell asleep so I missed it.” You told the lie so easily, you surprised yourself. You used to be so scared of lying, scared your uncle would find out and punish you.

“Buck said you said you also hadn’t slept well?”

“Yeah I woke up some time after dinner and I went to get a banana, I actually saw you then Tony, you were in the kitchen with Steve, and then went back to my room but I didn’t have the energy to actually eat, so I just went to bed instead. But for some reason I couldn’t fall asleep, I think I did somewhere around 5am. Then I woke up early this morning, because there were several people at my door and then I made my way to the gym and ate the banana.”

You told them a lot about your day, in details. Something inside of you said that you shouldn’t, but you had anyway.

“Do you often sleep bad?” Bruce continued to question you.

You didn’t really want to answer his question, because the answer was yes. You’ve had sleeping problems for as long as you could remember, often it were the nightmares, but other times you just seemed to be unable to fall asleep.

You touched your forehead with you hand, trying to ease the headache. You were feeling overwhelmed by the questions.

“How about you stop by at the lab after you’ve eaten some proper breakfast? Let Bucky help you if you’re up to it and then we’ll take a better look at you, is there any chance you could have gotten a more serious injure after yesterdays mission? Did anyone take a look at you?”

“No, I don’t think I have an injury. But I guess I’ll stop by. Thank you Bruce and Tony for coming, you really didn’t have to, I would’ve been fine.”

“It’s okay kid” Tony speaks up, “You still live here with all of us, we gotta make sure you’re okay. Now scary dude, help her get some proper breakfast, Bruce and I will see you after.”

Bruce and Tony leave the gym and Bucky speaks up.

“Well, you scared me there for a second,” Bucky said while leading you out of the training room and to the kitchen.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know that would happen. I really didn’t feel that bad. I didn’t mean for that to happen, I didn’t mean to be a bother.”

Bucky really wanted to comfort you, pull you into a hug and make sure you knew you were safe and that you shouldn’t feel sorry for such a thing. The way you had scurried away from him and the others hadn’t gone unnoticed. He was sure you didn’t want to be touched right now.

As soon as you entered the kitchen Bucky ordered you to sit down, so you did as he started to make you some breakfast. He made you some oatmeal, he probably had noticed you often had it for breakfast, you liked it. He added one spoon of sugar, just like you always did. And for a nice touch he added some red fruit he found in the fridge on top. Two strawberries and a few raspberries.

“Healthy and filling, here you go” he said as he sat the bowl in front of you and giving you a spoon.

You were grateful for him, that he would do something like this for you.

“Thank you, Bucky,” You told him with a smile more genuine than it probably has ever been.

Bucky could swear his heart had made a little jump when you said his name right then.

[Chapter 9] Coming soon

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thebuckysoldier · 4 years

Text

Identical Mosters - chapter 8

Bucky Barnes x reader

Summary: The reader is new at the compound and doesn’t talk to anyone there. She befriends Bucky over a shared trauma all while trying to find her own place in the compound.

Word count: 3.1K

Warnings: lack of food, angry Steve

A/N: Freaking finally, i finally wrote an update? Is this really happening? I guess it is. So please enjoy, to make up for the very long wait i made this chapter a bit longer then usual.

Identical Monsters - masterpage

(GIF is not mine)

The mission the next day went by quickly, the intel had been the tiniest bit wrong but everyone improvised a little and made it work. Meaning, it didn’t go by flawlessly, but it definitely could have been worse. That being said, that is also how you ended up here, on the way back on the quinjet, getting yelled at by Steve with multiple people around the table.

“Y/N what you did was reckless and dangerous” Steve’s voice sounded loud, very annoyed and also a bit angry.

When you were on your way back, doing exactly as Steve had told you to do, you ran into Sam. He was being cornered but multiple guys and it didn’t look good for him. You knew what your mission was, your instructions were strict and clear, straight back to the quinjet. But, Sam needed help. So you did the latter, the two of you fought and fought, and eventually Steve found the two of you when you were about to fight of a guy at least triple your size who was about to attack Sam from behind. Steve helped out but you already knew he wasn’t happy. You just wanted to do good, you wanted to help.

“Don’t yell at her like that, Steve.”

“You’re off missions. You’re not ready.”

His words hit you like a truck. It hurt. This was exactly what you were afraid of. Steve had taken an insecurity of yours and played right into it.

You gave Bucky another grateful smile, but to him you looked more devastated then anything else. You turned away from him too, only to catch the eyes of Natasha, reminding you of the mistakes you had made. Ashamed you bowed your head and took a seat in the corner. You saw Bucky glance at Nat as well before giving you one last look and then sitting down on the other side of the quinjet. He understood you needed your space right now, you wanted to be alone.

When the quinjet landed everyone went to the debriefing. You got yelled at a little more in front of everybody by Steve but this time it was Tony who stopped him.

  “You made your point Steve. She knows what went wrong, and she knows the consequences.”

It was around 4am and you were still staring out of the window, outside it was dark but you could still distinguish the trees around the compound from the night sky.

“Sorry for coming by this early but I wanted to thank you for yesterday, Bruce just discharged me from medical” he said, taking you by surprise.

“It’s okay, really. I’m glad you’re okay.”

Sam gave you another smile and then told you he was going to his own bed to catch some more sleep.

Opening the door again, it showed Steve this time. He cleared his throat before speaking up.

“Good morning” he greeted you.

“Good morning” you replied to him.

You nod your head. “Okay, thank you Steve, for apologizing and letting me know.”

He gives you a nod back.

“We’ll look again in a few weeks to see if you’re ready”

“Okay,” is the only thing you reply.

You close the door behind him and your gaze falls on the banana you had taken to your room last night. You really should eat something, not eating for this long is unhealthy. So you take the cup and drink its contents, then take the banana and leave your room. While eating the banana you make your way to the training room, where Steve said Bucky would be.

“Good morning,” you greeted him in a soft voice.

He looks up in surprise, you could understand why. He probably hadn’t expected to see you, since you missed dinner last night as well.

“Good morning” he said with a smile. “How did you sleep?” He then asked, watching your still tired state.

“I’ve had better nights.”

“Did you eat?”

Another question.

You hummed while making your way to the yoga mats in the corner of the room. “I ate a banana.”

“I don’t think you’ve eaten enough, you don’t look too good,” he said after contemplating if he should or not.

You let out a huff as you started to do some kind of fitness exercise.

“Are you sure?” Bucky asked one last time, continuing his own work out.

“Yeah” you answered him.

“FRIDAY, tell Tony and Bruce to come to the training room now. Say it’s an emergency and that it’s about Y/N” You couldn’t hear his voice but he sounded scared and desperate.

“I am letting them know right now, Mr. Barnes” FRIDAY replied to him.

“What the hell is going on?” Tony said walking over to you and letting Bruce know he had arrived as well.

“She just collapsed while doing a work out” Bucky replied to Tony.

“Any more information?” Tony asked.

Both Tony and Bruce nodded. That was also the moment you started to stir again. Groaning you opened your eyes only to find Bucky and Bruce hanging over you and Tony standing close and looking at you.

“Well, good morning kid, what the hell is going on?”

“Have you been eating enough lately, Y/N? You weren’t at dinner last night?” Bruce then asks.

“Buck said you said you also hadn’t slept well?”

You told them a lot about your day, in details. Something inside of you said that you shouldn’t, but you had anyway.

“Do you often sleep bad?” Bruce continued to question you.

You touched your forehead with you hand, trying to ease the headache. You were feeling overwhelmed by the questions.

“No, I don’t think I have an injury. But I guess I’ll stop by. Thank you Bruce and Tony for coming, you really didn’t have to, I would’ve been fine.”

“It’s okay kid” Tony speaks up, “You still live here with all of us, we gotta make sure you’re okay. Now scary dude, help her get some proper breakfast, Bruce and I will see you after.”

Bruce and Tony leave the gym and Bucky speaks up.

“Well, you scared me there for a second,” Bucky said while leading you out of the training room and to the kitchen.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know that would happen. I really didn’t feel that bad. I didn’t mean for that to happen, I didn’t mean to be a bother.”

“Healthy and filling, here you go” he said as he sat the bowl in front of you and giving you a spoon.

You were grateful for him, that he would do something like this for you.

“Thank you, Bucky,” You told him with a smile more genuine than it probably has ever been.

Bucky could swear his heart had made a little jump when you said his name right then.

[Chapter 9] Coming soon

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thebuckysoldier · 4 years

Text

Angel

Bucky Barnes x reader

Summary: You were experimented on, resulting in you now having wings. Eventhough you might hate it, Bucky doesn’t.

Wordcount: almost 1.6K

Warnings: angst

A/N: I’m so sorry, again, it’s been so long. And again, it’s not a identical mosters update but an oneshot. I kind of really like this concept and i think its cute, also this one has been ready for quite a while but i wanted it to be longer but i had no idea how to make it longer and i kinda like it like this. So here you go, please enjoy, and also another side note, i think i found motivation to continue identical mosters so we’ll see if i upload in the next couple of days, I’m very sorry if i don’t in advance.

Masterlist

(gif is not mine)

When you first met everyone in the tower, you were scared of their prying eyes, their gazes and their eyes scanning your appearance.

Oh, how far you’ve come since then. You remembered the way everyone had looked at you well, but you never held any grudges against them for it. They all had apologized, it’s just that they had never seen anyone like you. And that’s probably because there is no-one like you, and if there was the things you’d give to meet them.

You were special, and you had accepted it now. You had maybe chosen a different way for yourself to become special, but oh well you were here now. It wasn’t your choice to be kidnapped and experimented on.

No, the experimenting they had done on you wasn’t like the experimenting Hydra had done to the Maximoffs. No, it wasn’t alike in any way. Loki’s staff caused them to have awesome powers, what your torturers had done was cut you up and stitched you back together again and again and again until they had finally reached their goal.

Now there were two protuberances sticking out of your back they had dared to call wings. And yeah, they had actually succeeded, you were able to fly with those wings. When you first came to the tower you were weak and they had called a miracle that you were still alive. You could use the wings back then, but barely, and it also hurt so badly you passed out every time you’d use them.

You were different and kept to yourself, but surprisingly it was Bucky who had taken you under his wing. He helped you when you needed it, while you were trying to distance yourself from everyone, and who knows, they might have tried to distance themselves from you too, he didn’t. He took care of you, he knew what it was like being the odd one out and when he was he took great comfort in knowing Steve.

He felt bad for you, everyone was curious about you, but didn’t seem to care to talk to you, or to even question you about the things on your back. You knew no one in the tower and suddenly you were living in the same ‘house’ as them, used the same kitchen and walked through the same hallways.

Bucky had never looked at you that way, and you couldn’t find the words to tell him how grateful you were for that. It was because of him you were able to grow into the person you were today, nothing compared to the person who first walked through those doors.

Of course you’d never be the same person you were before everything happened but you are content and confident being the person you are today. Although you may have hated living in the tower at first, you couldn’t be happier to be there now. Most of your mornings were spent training with Sam or sometimes Nat if you were feeling up to it for the day. And then you usually made breakfast and ate with whoever was in there with you, it didn’t matter anymore they all warmed up to you and became great friends. Afternoons were spent having fun with Wanda, occasionally Peter and Shuri too if they were around, there was also rarely a day you didn’t stop by Tony and Bruce in their lab. Overall your days in the tower were good, you were fine being with anyone and speaking with anyone but you were also perfectly okay being on your own and watching a movie or reading a book.

But the thing you were maybe most grateful for was that at the end of the day you’d get to curl up to Bucky and talk to him about the day you had, whether they were spent apart or together.

You and Bucky took great comfort in each other, although you were very different people, if you look closer you may have more in common then first meets the eye. He was the first person you ever let close to your back, and the first time you let him he almost shed a tear, you may not have noticed, but that really meant a lot to him. He was known for being violent, his name was connected to hurt and yet he was the first person you let take care of you.

Like the skin connected to his metal arm, your back was scarred and had an angry red color. So when you had let him touch your back the first thing he did was gently rubbed some cream onto it that would help your skin heal itself. He had learned you how to take care of yourself, and in return you did the same. He still had his own trauma to deal with, but you thought it was safe to say that you both had come a long way already.

★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★☆★

It took you a long time, even after you had become more open with everyone in the tower, before you were able to join the others on missions. You trained long and hard, because making a change for the better in the world was something you really wanted to do.

So when Steve finally agreed to let you come to a smaller mission you were beyond happy. To say the mission went extremely well was an understatement, and you were happy you were an asset to the team. And from then on you went on almost every mission fury sent your way. Mostly Natasha but the others too trained you to be a skilled fighter and with the help of Bruce, Tony and doctor Cho you could now use your wings without it hurting which was a great help as well.

But even though the wings didn’t really hurt anymore, the skin surrounding the wings was still scarred and red. But there was another thing about the wings that you hated. Yes of course you got looks from everyone that saw the wings, I mean a human with wings? Yeah something doesn’t add up there.

But they weren’t pretty wings, bird like wings with feathers, like the ones angels have. Beautiful white feathers, if only your wings looked like that. But no, in stead the scientists gave you purple-ish, red-ish wings the resembled more batwings then anything else. They were ugly in your opinion, the skin like consistency of the wings felt and looked weird, ugly and dare I say it, scary.

How everyone, but most importantly Bucky, could accept you this way was something you could never understand. The wings made you look scary. The world was aware of you, they knew who you were and they knew that you were with the avengers, but they don’t know your story. There are times when you are out on the streets with Steve or Tony to anyone really gets recognized for example by little kids and they scare away from you, they hid behind their mothers legs. You were sure nothing could ever hurt you more, you loved kids, you truly believed you had a kind heart and you took pride of that. Even though you’ve been hurt so much, you aspired to be the best kind of human being. And when young kids are scared of you, your heart breaks into a million pieces.

But sadly, scaring away children isn’t the only thing that happens when you get recognized on the streets. Teens and often older people too, throw hurtful words at you.

“Monster”

“Freak”

“Mutant”

“Demon”

And that list goes on and on and on. You would think you’d know all the hurtful words by now, but it seems like they come up with new ones everyday. But Bucky is always there, at first you didn’t show that you cared about what people thought, but little by little as Bucky broke your walls down, you let him in on your thoughts. And of course he told you not to care, they didn’t know better, but the also knew from experience it’s not easy. After what he had done all those years, Bucky received quite some backlash too. At the end of a hard day he always called the two of you ‘the monstrous couple’ and for some reason a smile magically appeared after those words. Maybe it was caused by the butterflies you still had every time he called you a couple, maybe it was the reminder that you weren’t alone in all this, or the fact that the two of you could make fun of it because deep down you knew in the end, you only need him.

But he still found you often looking at yourself and your wings in the mirror. This conversation was one you had with Bucky over and over again. And for some reason you two always said the exact same words, as if it was the first time you ever had the conversation.

“What are you looking at, doll?” He’d ask as if he didn’t already know.

“The wings” you’d reply

“And why is that?”

“Because they’re horrendous, I look horrendous.”

“Honey you’re the most beautiful human being the world has ever seen, inside and out”

And he’d always take a little breath before adding the next part. The part you loved most.

“Darling you’re an angel, you’re my angel and you got the wings to prove it”

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thebuckysoldier · 4 years

Text

Emerald Green and Gold

Loki Odinson x reader

Summary: Your first meeting with Loki, your best friends infamous brother.

Word count: 2.6K

Warnings: none

A/N: holy shit, I’m alive. Hahah, no but seriously, I’m sorry I was away for so long. :( I am finishing Identical Monster too, but it’s just taking a little while because right now I can’t find any motivation to write for that story, but don’t worry, it will come soon!! My vacation is almost over so then it’s back to school work and for some stupid reason I write more and better when I have school. So I promise, new chapters are coming. In the mean while, please enjoy this oneshot I wrote for Loki! Thank you!!!

masterlist - thebuckysoldier

Gif is not mine.

It was when Thor first laid his eyes on you, that he knew he was going to befriend you. It was just after the event in London with the dark elves, while you had been with the avengers for a while now, you hadn’t actually met the God of Thunder yet.

So when you walked in on one of Tony’s many parties, he was shocked. But not because of the way your hair swayed or how your dress made your legs look even more desirable, no that was never the case. And also, he would never, he was too in love with Jane to even notice other girls in that way.

No, what had shocked him, was the color of your dress. It was beautiful, dark emerald green and stopped at your thighs with the black detailing, and the jewelry around your neck, wrists and fingers, a beautiful gold. You wore those colors with pride, they were your colors and they were everywhere around you, the suit you always wore on missions, the way your room was decorated. Always emerald green with golden accents, but how could you not, they were the most beautiful colors in the world and they fit so well together.

With the events from Svartalfheim still fresh in his memories, he gave you a second look. It were the exact same colors Loki always wore. Thor asked about you to Tony, with whom he had been talking before he noticed you.

Turns out you had been with the Avengers for a while now, but he had been off world for so long that he hadn’t had the chance to meet you yet. So when he stepped up to you later that night and introduced himself, a beautiful friendship was formed.

Whenever he wasn’t off world, or with Jane, you two could be found together having so much fun. Whether it was annoying Tony or just the two of you doing something dumb. He was basically your best friend.

It was strange, how you two fit together so well. He is so different from what you are, he is very outgoing and speaks loud, while you were more than okay with just being on your own and spoke so softly that other people sometimes had trouble with hearing you, but being so quiet was actually one of your best skills, and it’s what made you such a great spy. You also had great fun with it, because who knew, the god of thunder is actually very jumpy. Perhaps it is the difference between you and Thor that created such a strong friendship.

He always talked about his life on Asgard and his family. And you desired to go there one day, even though you knew mortals like you were frowned upon there. Your life was barely as interesting as his, but then again, he was a royalty.

It was a wonder how you had actually never met his family. You were up-to-date with everything that had happened with Loki as well, how he had ‘died’ and then came back, and had ‘died’ again and came back to life, again. You had heard lots of stories about Loki. About when they were just little boys, and even though Loki had caused so much hurt and betrayed him so many times, you knew Thor still loved his brother dearly and held him close to his heart.

It was the time you first met Loki that you were baffled. You heard about him so much, first the bad stuff, you were in New York when the Chitauri attack happened, but you weren’t part of the Avengers back then yet. And then you heard about him from Thor. Yeah, sure, sometimes the stories weren’t all that pretty, and you don’t even know how many times Loki has stabbed his brother, but there were nice stories too. They were competitive, yes most definitely, but they had fun together. You also knew the real reason why Loki had been acting up was because he was so hurt, scared and most of all traumatized by finding out the truth about his true heritage. He felt unloved and something like that makes you capable of such horrible things.

His advent was unexpected, because tonight was supposed to be a charity event, and who invites someone who tried to take over earth to a charity event?

Well, Thor, apparently.

“Well, don’t you look divine in my colors?” You heard an unfamiliar voice say but the accent however, you did recognize. The words were almost said like they were directed towards you.

“Lady Y/N!” Was the next thing you heard, coming from your favorite, overenthusiastic Asgardian.

“Brother, you didn’t tell me she would be wearing my colors.” You hear the unfamiliar voice speak up again. When you turn around with a soft smile on your lips you were met with two gorgeous men. One of which you knew, and the other one you found out fairly quickly was the one you heard all about in Thor’s stories.

Thor pulled you into a tight hug while you greeted him back.

“You must be Loki.” You said to the raven haired, very handsome, man as you held your hand out for him to shake.

“You are absolutely right, my darling” He said while taking your hand and brining it to his lips. “And may I say, you look especially charming in that dress”

You had loved this dress from the first time you had laid your eyes on it. The charity even was accompanied with a gala so everything had to be quite chic, so your dress as well. And it was absolutely stunning, The dress was floor length but had a high split on the left side, it was a one shoulder dress, making it fall elegantly over your chest. And what you maybe found the best part of all? The stunning golden belt around your waist accentuating your figure.

“How has earth been?” Thor asked you, “Did you have to fight some vicious bad guys while I was away?” You smile at the way he says the words, it was so typically him.

“I’ve missed you” You smiled at him again.

“Oh, you know I wish I could keep you with me all the time. But they need you too much around here!” he replied, making you feel better. He knew you loved being needed somewhere.

“Heimdall told me these morons have kept your quite busy”

“You have Heimdall checking up on me?” You question him.

“Well, I can’t leave you to yourself all the time now, can I?” The words come out of his mouth like he knew he was guilty of something.

“Oh brother, I’m sure a woman like her can handle herself well enough.” Loki spoke up, a grin plastered on his face.

“I know she can, but I can joke around, can’t I?” He says winking at you.

“Stark!” Thor then says, loudly and he is gone again. Damn his puppy like tendencies to be distracted by anything and everything.

“I’ve heard a lot about you.” You say to the man in front of you.

“Mostly bad, I presume.” Loki answers with a grin.

“A bit of all” You reply and with those words you left him.

Yes, you did feel sorry for the guy. You knew why he did the things he did. But the things he did on earth were not okay, and they never will be. All the lives he and his army took back then were not forgiven. You could never forget how New York looked after that battle, and honestly your could call yourself lucky. You have lived in the city your whole life, so pretty much everyone you care about lives there too. You could call yourself lucky because no one you were close to died back then, but you knew others who hadn’t been as lucky. So you definitely weren’t planning on forgiving him for that day, no matter how bad you felt for him.

Walking over to Nat who was having a conversation with Clint you could feel Loki’s eyes boring on the back of your head.

“Whose idea was it to bring Loki here?” Clint says as he notices me.

“Well, definitely not mine. He was talking about how his colors look divine on me. Please make him shut the hell up.” You answer with a huff while rubbing your hand over your forehead, as if to ease your headache.

“Well, I’m definitely too sober for this, join me while I get a beer… or something stronger” Clint says while holding his arm out for you so you could hook your own through his.

Clint still held this grudge against Loki, for obvious reasons. So, of course you didn’t blame him. I mean, getting your mind controlled like that really kind of traumatizes you, you knew he still hadn’t healed entirely.

“While we’re at it, let’s get one for me too. I’m just too sober for this social activity, in general” You say to him, making him laugh.

“My little social butterfly” he jokes, knowing you probably are the least social people in this room.

It was a little later in the evening when you found yourself making your way to the balcony. With a filled champagne flute you get through the doors and close them behind you. The air was a little chilly, which was nice, it had been getting too hot for your liking inside so the fresh air was a nice contrast, if you could call it fresh air in this city.

The balcony was high up so the view was amazing. The sky was dark and the city provided you with an endless sea of beautiful lights.

You were a night owl, definitely. And this view only made it worse, you couldn��t remember the amount of nights you have spent in front of your window in the tower and just looking at the city you love so much.

From up here you could still hear the sounds of the city that never sleeps, but they weren’t as obvious. The clamor is more like a nice back ground noise rather than an annoying clash.

Taking a sip of the champagne you lean on the railing of the balcony you feel the wind blow through your hair.

“You know, this space is kind of already occupied”

You recognize the voice instantly from before, Loki.

“Why are you hiding out here?” He says again when you don’t answer his first statement. You turn around to face him, only to give him half a glare.

“Because unlike you, I don’t crave attention and I am way more content out here with as few people as possible and preferably alone.”

“I don’t crave attention” he retorts, annoyed. All he gets from you is a huff in response.

“I’d say you’ve done some things that just yell attention seeking”

“And you would know how?”

“I think you’re forgetting that I’m very close to Thor and that your brother has no filter whatsoever”

“You got me there” He responds with a breathy laugh.

“Why are you hiding out here actually?” You ask, remembering where you are.

“I’m not dense, I know when I’m not wanted”

“Yeah, I don’t know whose idea it was to bring you to a charity event, in New York”

Its silent for a short period of time when you both speak up at the same time.

“Thor”

The way you said it at the exact same time made you smile.

“So she is able to laugh” It was just now that you noticed the beer in his hand. He had to enjoy the taste of it because you knew the alcohol wouldn’t have any effect on him. You have seen Thor more then enough times with his little flask to know Midgardian alcohol didn’t effect Asgardians.

“I don’t hate you, you know” He seemed surprised at your words.

“You’d be the first”

“I’m not and you know that. Thor loves you, and I know Queen Frigga loved you too. You’re just too stubborn to admit it, and you don’t allow yourself to be loved like that.”

“What are you? A therapist?” He then says mockingly, his words are meant to hurt you, you know they are. But you knew it was his defense mechanism, you knew that what you said had an impact on him.

“No, just an avenger, just a spy who pays attention.”

“And who knows Thor who doesn’t know when to shut up” his words are sharp, annoyed, still meant to hurt you. But they don’t, he doesn’t scare nor intimidate you. You couldn’t help but notice the way his mood seems to swing in mere seconds.

“That too, yeah” You laugh at him, which only seems to annoy him more.

“I get why you and my brother are close, both as infuriating.”

“Actually, me and Thor are about as different as different gets, you are just annoyed because I figured you out, before I even met you might I add.”

“Correct me if I’m wrong” He talks back, “But you’re just an avenger because Stark made you. You used to be on the other side as well, and becoming an avenger makes you feel better about yourself because you know now that the other side was the wrong side. Which you’d still be on if it wasn’t for the friends you’ve made in this tower. But you’re still miserable, you feel guilty. You aren’t the only one who did their research.”

“If you did you research, you’d know I won’t deny it. You are absolutely right, about all of it.”

You notice you had taken him off guard, but you couldn’t back down.

“Only the difference between you and me is that I like the other side now. I know it’s the right side. And it may have taken me up until this moment but it’s also the side I belong to, this side is my side. But do you know which side you belong to?”

He wants to say something but you cut him off and see his mouth close again.

“And even if you do, do you know it’s the right one for you?”

You know you left him speechless when the only thing he can do if give you his signature smirk. It’s silent for a few more moments until you decide to speak up again.

“Okay, I’m done, I’m going back inside” You didn’t really want to, but standing here, outside, with him was starting to annoy you. Obviously you weren’t going to speak up again and by the looks of it neither was he.

So you let go of the railing surrounding the balcony and turned around, but the moment your back was completely facing him, his hand grabbed your elbow and forcing you to turn around again.

“I like you, you don’t take shit. You’re not scared to call me out. I can see why my brother likes you as well.”

With a frown on your face you slowly nod, not understanding where he was going with those words.

“Have you ever been to Asgard?” He asks then, confusing you even more.

“I have never been there, no”

“Let me take you sometime. I think you would like it there, and I know how to get you there without Heimdall knowing”

The raven haired man smiled at you, making it almost physically impossible to not return the favor. His beautiful green eyes were looking deep into yours. It’s not like you could have given him any other answer then a soft, almost whisper like, yes.

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thebuckysoldier · 4 years

Note

Hi idk if u have tagged list but if you do can you add me to identical monsters plz❤️

I don’t have one yet but I’ll make one! If anyone else wants to be on it, just send me an ask or something!

On another note, I know the new chapter has been taking a while but it will come, I promise! It’s just that work has been kicking my ass and I just graduated so I’m also using this time to hang out with my friends when I can still see them loads. But I don’t have to work until later today so I might work on the new chapter today. (If I don’t have too many chores that take up all my time😬)

But thank you all for waiting for the new chapter, I’m very grateful people are reading my work!!🤍🤍🤍

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thebuckysoldier · 4 years

Text

Identical Monsters - chapter 7

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: The reader is new at the compound and doesn’t talk to anyone there. She befriends Bucky over a shared trauma all while trying to find her own place in the compound.

Word count: 2.1K

Warnings: a lot of angst, basically.

A/N: Okay so this took me way too long. This chapters has actually been done for quite a while, it just took me like weeks to proof read it. Which i did after midnight (It was also written after midnight so there is a bigger chance at mistakes, oops) so bare with me, and please excuse my mistakes. (Okay so I’m adding this later and I could just correct my mistake (it should be CHAPTER not chapters I’m sorry) but it’s seriously too funny, I literally made a mistake in the authors note while talking about proof reading and such, my brain just basically doesn’t function after midnight..)

Identical Monsters - Masterpage

Gif is not mine.

After that morning you hadn’t really spoken to Bucky through out the day. You were tired because you really hadn’t slept that much and the talk you had with Bucky had literally drained all of your energy. It was well into the afternoon and you could feel that your eyes were still puffy, but luckily no one had noticed or if they had, they hadn’t said anything about it.

You were training with Natasha at the moment, you still won, but it didn’t go as easy as other times. You could tell she noticed.

“What’s going on?” She asked you while you were sparring.

“Tired, I didn’t sleep well” and she hummed back at you.

Steve who was next to you beating up a punching bag spoke up, “Bucky was yawning too during the meeting” You tensed up while he said that, but neither of them seemed to notice. “I didn’t sleep great either, I guess it’s the air or something”

You couldn’t help but be sort of relieved when he said those last words. You wondered if Bucky had said anything about what you had told him to Steve. Or if Bucky even wanted him to know you two had been speaking to each other. You were well aware of the history the two shared and you knew they were still very close friends. You just hoped Bucky hadn’t talked, but you couldn’t help but think what if he had?

You quickly shook those thoughts off, concentrating on the redhead in front of you. Today was going to be an easy day you told yourself, you felt like you were physically unable to deal with fatiguing things.

So you didn’t. You trained for a while, then retracted back to your room, showered and continued reading your book. Even though you were tired you didn’t fall asleep while reading. And for some reason you didn’t knew you were in a pretty good mood, or at least, that is what you told yourself. But you knew why, deep down. It had felt great getting everything off your chest, opening up to someone, telling someone your story.

It was a while later in the afternoon and you knew someone, most likely Wanda, was going to start making dinner. And while being in your good mood, you decided to make yourself useful for the first time. You made your way to the kitchen and sure enough, there was Wanda washing her hands.

“Hi” you croaked out, breaking the silence. She looked up in surprise but greeted you back. You walked over to the kitchen island, leaning on it with your underarms.

“What are you making?” You asked, slightly awkward but you could tell she appreciated you asking her.

“Thought we could just eat soup today” she hummed back, grabbing a big pot from one of the cupboards.

“Can I help?” You asked softly, and a soft, appreciating smile appeared on her face.

“Of course, wash your hands and we can get started”

Cooking with Wanda turned out to be actually quite fun, you hadn’t talked a lot aside from the small talk that you’d usually hate, but didn’t mind as much with her. She’d tell you what to do but she found out fairly quickly that you knew what you were doing. She had even put on the radio at some point and you were both humming along to some catchy pop song playing.

It didn’t take the two of you long before there was an amazing smell lingering in the kitchen. Wanda told FRIDAY to let everyone know dinner would be ready in a few minutes as you set down the last plates on the table.

You sat down at same the place you had the nights before and waited until everyone was seated at the table too. Wanda made sure everyone had what they needed, and soon everyone got tangled into a meaningless conversation. You were just playing with your food and not actually eating it, being with everyone still kind of overwhelmed you, so you looked down and didn’t participate in the conversation.

Bucky, who was seated next to you like the previous nights you had sat at this table, had somehow managed to get your attention. You had noticed how he didn’t participate in the conversation either. You two held a quiet conversation about the mission you were supposed to join tomorrow, he was joining too. Actually, most of the people who sat at the table right now were supposed to.

“Are you nervous for tomorrow?” He asked you, completely ignoring everyone at the table, but he asked it softly, to make sure he didn’t draw any attention from the others.

In response you just picked your shoulders up the tiniest bit, but he noticed because all of his attention was on you. Again, you looked forward to some action, but the fact that there were going to be so many people kind of unnerved you.

“Don’t worry it’s going to be fine, you’ll do great.” you gave him a thankful smile and continued eating, listening to what the others had to say.

“What is this soup?” Steve then speaks up before adding “I really like it Wanda” You look at her and you see her giving him a smile before turning to you. You knew she wanted to say you two made it together, you just did but you shook your head, not wanting her to. But apparently she was stubborn.

“Y/N and I made it together”

The room falls silent, and you can only hope it’s because of their surprise, though your subconscious tells you other wise.

They probably think you’re going to poison them or something.

When the silence is taking you way too long Bucky decides to speak up for the first time this dinner as well.

“Well, I really like it too.” As the words leave his mouth you give him a tight smile, uncomfortable with all the attention directed to you.

The rest of dinner went by awkwardly and you felt quite uncomfortable knowing Wanda’s words were the reason. Which is why as soon as everyone was done eating you excused yourself to go to your room.

When you got there you went through the finally stuffed drawers of your dresser and got some clothes to work out in. Luckily for you there were multiple ways to get to the training room, because having to go through the living room where undoubtedly everyone was still seated seemed like hell to you.

So you took the long way and trained and trained for hours, no one had interrupted you yet but then again most people didn’t like to train after dinner, probably because it’s kind of unhealthy. But when you finally were interrupted you wondered how long you had been there already.

It was Bucky’s surprise that distracted you.

“Hi” you greeted him softly, which he returned with a soft smile. Walking over to you and grabbing punch pad gloves and signaling you to spar with him.

“Dinner was… something” He began, he seemed like he was expecting some kind of response form you but he got nothing in return.

“They mean well, you know. They just don’t really know how to handle you” he then continues as you keep hitting the pads harder and harder, occasionally throwing a kick in the mix.

How to handle you? The words stung, how about like a human being like the rest of them? Not like you’re some kind of alien they have to walk on eggshells around.

“How about they treat me like a human being?” You grunt back at him, voicing your thoughts. You keep hitting the pads so hard he wonders if you’re not going to actually tear them at this pace.

“Calm down, you’re getting too worked up about this” He says calmly but his words have no effect on you whatsoever. Your hand seem like they are unable to slow down, they just keep going faster.

Not thinking his actions through, he grabs one of your wrists with his flesh hand, stopping your movements.

Your mind just screams at you, and your body doesn’t know how fast it has to retract your hand. Suddenly the air in the room feels even thicker, suffocating you and Bucky in the tension.

“I’m..” He swallows before continuing, “I’m sorry, I- I didn’t mean to” he tries to look you in the eye but you avoid his pale blue ones like the plague.

“It’s fine” Your voice is soft, “Really, don’t worry about it” It’s what your voice says to him, but when you finally meet his eyes, what he finds doesn’t reassure him, at all. All he found was fear and maybe even shame.

“I think you were about to tear the pads” he says, trying to lighten the mood. You continued hitting the pads in silence, neither of you knew what to say.

He couldn’t resist taking a better look at you, your face scrunched with concentration, the occasional grunt leaving your lips, and the few strands of hair framing your face because they had fallen from your ponytail. He took a look at the scar he had caused you, it was probably years ago now.

He remembered the night vaguely, but not enough to actually remember your face. He wished he did though, you probably looked even younger and maybe more innocent. He remembered some sort of bar that night, he had been there to pick up some drugs which you had tried to stop and take for yourself. His mission had succeeded which meant yours hadn’t, he could only imagine what kind of punishment you had gotten after the mission. He didn’t want to think about it but he couldn’t help it, he felt sort of responsible for that one.

You knew he was losing his concentration because he wasn’t as responsive anymore with the pads, resulting in you almost hitting him in the face one time.

“Do you remember our first night in the gym?” He asked you. So that’s what’s occupying his thoughts your mind wanders.

“I do”

“I remember our first meeting now”

You hum in response, slowing your punches down. It seemed like you had more control over your body now, it wasn’t like your hands had their own mind anymore.

“Did….” He started, not sure if he should continue his question. He then took a deep breath and continued anyway. “Did he punish you when you didn’t succeed on your mission?”

You looked at him now, holding your fists in front of your, but stilling them. You gave him a slow nod.

“Where yo-“ he started, but you cut him off.

“Yes, I was punished for that mission” Your voice was basically toneless. He noticed it was something you changed often, the way you said things. Sometimes soft and barely audible, other times clear and harsh.

He was taken aback by your blunt answer, but you knew it was what he was going to ask. “And don’t say it” you continue, “it wasn’t your fault. It was his.” “Why won’t you accept an apology?” He muttered under his breath, but you were standing quite close to him, so you didn’t miss it. But then it clicks in his head. He let his hands fall limp next to his body. Previously he had still been holding them up, even though you had stopped hitting the pads. You didn’t want to accept an apology because of the same reason he didn’t want one. He didn’t understand why he hadn’t thought of it earlier. “You feel like you don’t deserve an apology” he states bluntly. His beautiful pale blue eyes boring into yours. “You feel guilty because of everything you did. And now you think that you don’t deserve an apology” You swallowed, his words had been entirely truthful. “Tell me,” he then said when you didn’t respond, “do you think I should accept any apologies?” You again gave him a slow nod. “Don’t you think that’s a bit hypocritical?” His voice was stern when he talked to you, almost like he was scolding you. You felt small next to him, because quite frankly you were. But with each word that left his lips you kept feeling smaller and smaller. You knew he spoke the truth, but you were stubborn. “Can we please stop talking about this?” Your voice came out exactly how you felt. Your words were soft and small. And Bucky could tell you were very uncomfortable and felt guilty and that was the last thing he was trying to accomplish. He just wanted you to comfortable around him, so you could let your guard down. And maybe if you’d let him, he could take the walls you built around yourself down as well.

[chapter 8]

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thebuckysoldier · 4 years

Text

Someone put red paint on the "Serve and Protect" sculpture at the Salt Lake City police building and it is such a powerful statement.

"Good art should disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed." -C.A.C.

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thebuckysoldier · 4 years

Photo

“No one understands how little boys become villains without even trying. Trauma, when left untreated, has the capacity to make make a villain out of you. Take this as your reminder. Not all heroes wear capes. Some wear darkness, some wear wounds.” —Nikita Gill

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thebuckysoldier · 4 years

Text

Identical Monsters - chapter 6

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: The reader is new at the compound and doesn’t talk to anyone there. She befriends Bucky over a shared trauma all while trying to find her own place in the compound.

Word count: 2.6K

Warnings: a lot. mentions of death, mentions of murder, mentions of rape, just a whole lot of sadness

A/N: So I again feel the need to say that this is a heavy chapter. This one’s also a little longer then the previous chapters but i hope you’ll like it! There is some important information in there...

Identical Monsters - masterpage

Bucky stood on the outside of your door, it was way later than the other times you would meet at night. He hadn’t seen you today after your little run in in the hallways. But he had heard about the events that happened today, he had spoken to Steve not too long ago and he had told Bucky about the mission and what you had said today, not only on the mission but this morning as well.

After he had spent a while in the training room but you never showed up. He waited for a while, but never caught a glimpse of you. After a while he had figured that you were tired after your mission and actually were able to sleep tonight, but when he was about to step into his own room he saw light coming from yours.

Then it dawned to him that you probably had a lot on your mind after today, and with all those thoughts you were unable to sleep.

He didn’t really know you, no one really did. But he thought he knew you well enough to know that you were cropping up all your emotions and speaking from experience, he knew it would only help when you got the things that were bothering you off your chest. He had felt such relief when he talked to Steve about what he had done.

He was unsure if he should knock on your door up until the moment he actually did. He knew there was a lot of things going on inside that head of yours, he could see it in the way you were unable to sit still for a longer period of time. You had a lot of things laying on your chest, weighting you down. And even though you may not have known it, he knew those things should be lifted off. He believed that you were capable of such great things when you weren’t being weighted down.

When he heard the lock pop open he considered it as an invitation to come in. He closed the door behind him and when he looked around the room, you were no where to be found. He was confused until he saw a small figure outside, sitting on the lounge set.

What he also noticed was that you had unpacked. You had told him that it was something you had yet to do when he had asked if the compound was already starting to feel like home.

He sat down next to you, not too close because he knew you were keen on the distance between anyone and yourself, but close enough so he could fit himself under the incredibly soft blanket as well. He noticed the book laying open on your lap, but you hadn’t really been reading it, at least not since he came in. You were looking at the night sky and the many beautiful stars scattered all over it.

“You unpacked” He stated, breaking the silence.   “I did” you answered him immediately.

“Was it worth the dreading?” He asked, it may have sounded like he was making fun of you to anyone else, but the both of you knew it was a very serious question.

“It was hard, but I did it” You answered him, now looking away from the sky to look at him, only to find him already looking at you.

“I heard today has been a rollercoaster”

Your head turned back towards the sky. The sentence had made you think. Today was a difficult day, and it had been full of changes. Maybe not changes to be seen by the eye but you had felt them. For starters you had said more words then you had the entire time you had been here. And no, those words weren’t just words that held no meaning. No, on the contrast, the words you had uttered today held so much meaning that you almost drowned in it. At least, that is what it felt like to you. You had told them a little about your past, about the things that weren’t in the file.

“Yeah” You breathed out, the sound was so soft that he almost hadn’t heard it.

“I talked to Steve”

You hummed in response.

“He said some things” he continued cautiously, he didn’t want to say the wrong thing and set you off.

“Like how he doesn’t trust me?”

“Among other things” he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. This was the right moment, he knew it was. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t scared to ask what he was about to ask you.

“What does it remind you of, what Clint called you?”

You swallowed at what he was asking from you. You closed your eyes, already feeling the tears coming. But you had felt it too, this was the right moment to open up.

“It’s what he used to call me”

“Who?” He said it so softly, so kind that it almost made you cry. Bucky may look like he is the guy in the stories, but in real life, you know he is way too kind to do such things.

“My uncle”

You could feel he was about to ask you, but you were already ahead of him.

“I t’s what my uncle used to call me when he raped me. Kid.”

He was shocked at your answer, to say the least. Out of all the things he had expected, this wasn’t it. He had thought that it would be linked to a nice memory, maybe of a loved one that had passed away. But this, this made even more sense. It was the reason why you kept your distance, from everyone. He thought he might have noticed it before, but you distanced yourself a little less from Nat or Wanda. He had noticed but he hadn’t thought about it. He hadn’t given it a second thought like he should have.

When the last word had rolled off your tongue, the first tear had rolled down your face as well.

“Oh Y/N” was all Bucky could bring himself to say.

“I’ve accepted it now. I’m not over it but I have accepted it. It’s part of me, he has made me who I am today. But I know I am not what he did to me.” He admired the strength behind your words, and voice.

“That doesn’t mean it hurts any less. And it doesn’t mean that you should keep it all inside your head. You can talk to me, I’ll listen.”

And for some unknown reason, that was exactly what you did, and it was exactly what he did. You talked all night, about all the things that had happened in your life. And he listened.

You told him how it had started when you were around 4 years old, when your mother had still been in the picture. How she apparently owed your uncle something and how she would take you to him, so he could have his way with you.

You told him about when you were four years older and your body wasn’t the only thing he was using you for anymore. Your uncle had always been a shady person, hung around the wrong crowd and was caught up in some bad things. You were perfect to create a distraction or fit into small spaces and steal things. Back then you would do all these things because your mom had asked you to, back then she was still your hero. While you were doing these things your training had started, you were actually great at it. A natural as your mother would call you.

You told him about when you were ten your mother got pregnant again. And when your baby brother was born he was an angel in disguise, you just knew it. And it was even more iconic when she named him Gabriel. It was mostly you who took care of him, it was that around that time when your mother was starting to get caught up in the wrong crowd too. You knew she would hurt Gabriel and you’d do anything you could to protect him.

You told him that that had been the actual start of the worst thing you’d ever experience. How your uncle and mother would threaten to hurt him if you didn’t do what you were asked. And when you refused you’d hear his cries and you knew you were defenseless against them.

You told him about how you were training harder and harder and becoming more and more skilled at what you did. You would do the most horrible tasks, you would kill men, many of them while you were at it. How you would seduce and sleep with men who were triple your age or even more when you were only twelve years old.

You told him about the one mission your uncle had given you. You were fourteen at the time, your little Gabriel only 4 when your uncle asked you. He asked you to take down your mother, according to him she was the greatest threat of all the threats that were out there.

You told him that even though she had caused you so much hurt, you refused. You knew little Gabriel needed her, even if you didn’t like it. By then your respect for her had long gone. When you came back that day from your training you head his cries, his whimpers out of pain. Poor little Gabriel, only 4 years old when your uncle had taken it too far. Only 4 years old when he bled out in your arms from the stab wound in his little stomach.

You told him about how you uncle had not only killed your little brother that day, but your mother too.

And you told him about how he had taken his anger and own grief out on you, while punishing you for refusing to do his dirty work.

You told him that that was the first and last time you had refused to do something for him.

You told him about how you uncle had convinced you that it was all your fault, but he didn’t have to convince you for that, you already blamed yourself.

You told him how your uncle played your naive fourteen-year-old mind. You how made you hurt yourself when you as much as slipped up. How he would make you hurt yourself because he felt like it, how he would make you hurt yourself because you struggled against him when he tried to rape you.

You told him how the killings continued, how the fights continued for years. For 10 years to be precise. Until you stood in front of Natasha.

You told him how done you were with your life that you had just sinked to the floor. Asking her, begging her to take you down. But she didn’t, instead she took you here.

You told him all of it, not letting one gruesome fact out. And he listened to all of it. By the time you had told the whole story the sun was already coming up and your head hurt because of the amount of tears that had slipped from your eyes.

It was dawn when you fell asleep, outside, still in the same place Bucky had found you in. You were so exhausted and emotionally drained after telling Bucky the story you had never shared with anyone else. And for some reason he found you looked peaceful in your sleep. It took everything inside of him not to take you in his arms and let his flesh hand slide through your hair. He didn’t even knew why he wanted to, because he felt sorry for you. That is what he told himself, ignoring the pit in his stomach. He looked at your peaceful state again, pulling the book out of your grasp, closing it and laying it on the table. He was grateful your mind wasn’t thinking about all the bad stuff right now.

But him on the other hand, the thoughts were racing through his head. He was angry, no angry didn’t cut it, he was seething at the man who dared to do all those things to just a child, a toddler, a baby. He felt deeply sorry for you, that you had to endure all those things.

He had told FRIDAY to not let anyone know about the whereabouts of you two. He stayed with you until you woke up from your sleep with the worst headache ever, feeling like you had a terrible hangover. And you were thankful for Bucky when he had offered you a cold glass of water.

“Thank you for listening to me” You told him and he just waved it off.

“You see their faces, right? When you sleep, the nightmares” you nod as answer his question.

“Every night I’m reminded of the monster that I am. How I am the demon inside my head. I’m sacred he’ll find me again. And that he’ll make me murder more innocent people.”

“But he won’t,” Bucky reassured you, “and even if he did, you’d have the most skilled fighters in the world to protect you.”

“You struggle with it too. Knowing you hurt all those people. I know you’ve heard this a thousand times before, but it wasn’t you. Your mind was controlled. You didn’t know what you were doing, not consciously. Trust me, it’d feel different if you had a choice.”

He felt his heart clench at your words, but for some ungodly reason they reassured him. And the words hit him different when coming from your mouth. You understood him, you had hurt people too, you remembered them all too. You remembered their faces, and that felt strangely comforting to him.

“You didn’t have a choice either” He started, but you cut him off immediately. “Don’t start that shit with me. I had a choice, and I took the coward way out. Even though we might understand each other, we went through two completely different things. Don’t you dare say those words.” Your voice was harsh, but it didn’t scare him, it didn’t make him stand down.

“No. You listen. You did some bad stuff, horrible stuff there is no denying that, so did I. You were manipulated and you were too young. You have been manipulated and abused your entire life. There is nothing about you, not one thing, that isn’t brave. You had to make a choice between two evils, even worse than evil. And you chose, because there was nothing else you could do. That is not your fault.”

He said the words. “So all those lives I took. All the lives I have ruined. That’s all okay now? Because I was manipulated. I am 24, I was 24 years old and I still worked for him. I’m a grown woman, I can make my own choices. And I made the wrong one, and other people payed the price for it.”

“You tell me, were the people whose lives you took good people? I know that doesn’t make it right but it still makes it better. For gods sake, I killed many innocent people, and I almost killed millions when I fought Steve on the helicarriers. I also killed Tonys parents, you’re fine. ”

“Some of them were, he called them collateral damage. And again, that wasn’t you, HYDRA controlled your mind. They literally wiped your mind.”

“But I still did those things, didn’t I.”

[chapter 7]

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thebuckysoldier · 4 years

Text

Identical Monsters - chapter 5

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: The reader is new at the compound and doesn’t talk to anyone there. She befriends Bucky over a shared trauma all while trying to find her own place in the compound.

Word count: 1.4K

Warnings: none

Identical Monsters - masterpage

On the way back in the quinjet you were talking about the mission, how it had gone and how you did.

The mission had gone exactly as planned, you had followed their orders and there had been minimal fighting. At one point it was of course inevitable, but it had been quite unexpected. The man coming for Natasha had knocked her knife out of her hand, you had quickly shoved her yours and taking on the man coming for yourself. Steve had stayed back to create some sort of distraction, while you and Natasha went to get some sort of drive with important information.

By the time you were on your way back Steve was standing there surrounded by people who were very clearly knocked out.

“I missed all the fun I see” Natasha had said, Steve gave us a quick grin and then proceeded to ask us if we got the drive.

“Did you expect anything else?” She had replied.

Now you were seated in the back of the quinjet with the headphones back in your ears. The three of you had been doing your own thing until you got back at the compound. It was already late at night when you did, some of the lights in the compound had been shut off, but they turned on when your movements had been signaled by FRIDAY.

Before the debriefing you had quickly grabbed a shower and was now on your way to meet Steve and Natasha in the conference room, but when you got there you found Natasha, Steve and Tony in a heated discussion, you hadn’t expected Tony to be there too, but you weren’t exactly surprised either. He was kind of the boss of the avengers around here, so of course he too was part of the decision that they were supposed to make.

“She followed every order perfectly, did nothing at all that raised suspicion, made sure to knock everyone out not kill them and-“ Then she was cut off by Steve.

“She said in the quinjet that what is in that file,” pointing at the very file on top of the table, “Barely scratches the surface, I don’t think we can trust her until we know what’s under that surface”

“I agree with Steve” Tony spoke up, “What if she’s all just doing that so she can stab us in the back harder when the time is right.”

“What I get from that file is that her childhood has been hard and it made her the woman she now, isn’t there something in there about the scars on her arms, they were self-inflicted? That’s something you do when you’re battling yourself. I don’t think she agreed with what she was doing.”

You cleared your throat, “They’re not self-inflicted” You said catching their attention, “Well, they kind of are” You then continued with a light chuckle, “But I was forced to make them, it wasn’t my choice”

What you had said had shut them up in an instant, and while you sat down on one of the chairs Natasha gave them a look.

“At least let her tag along with more missions, bigger missions, so she has the chance to prove herself” And with that she left the conference room.

Steve was about to speak up and talk to you but Tony cut him off, “You’re ready to talk about what more should be in that file?”

You just looked at him, your face never wavering from the hash look that you were giving him. For a few more moments the silence in the room was deafening, none of you said a word.

A sigh left Tony’s lips, “Okay, you’ll be doing on more missions, but they won’t be much bigger than this one. Oh and don’t forget we’ll be watching you.”

Steve again wanted to speak up but the motion of Tony’s hand shuts him up, “Nat is right, she should be able to prove herself” Tony patted Steve’s shoulder and left the room too.

When it was just the two of you the air became kind of awkward. “You’ll need to fill these in” He said shoving over some papers. He was looking out the window at the dark night sky filled with stars while you did so and you stood up to leave the room when you were done. Steve turned around to take the papers.

You could tell that he didn’t know what to say. You knew he had a kind heart and meant well, he just wanted to protect the family they had built here.

“Don’t beat yourself up about it, I wouldn’t trust me either if I stood in your shoes. But please know that I do mean well” He was surprised at the politeness of your voice.

“Y/N” You were already halfway out the door when you heard him call your name. “You did good today.” Yes he didn’t trust you, but you did good today, and he felt like you deserved to know.

A small, barely there smile took over your features. It was so small that Steve had almost missed it but he didn’t. You gave him a thankful nod and then left.

And you left with a mission. You had asked FRIDAY where Clint was and you were now on your way to his room. A sigh of relief left your lips when you saw the light coming from under his door, signaling he was still awake.

You knocked at the door and he told you to come in. You could tell he was surprised when he saw you.

“I wanted to apologize to you. I didn’t mean to snap at you the way I did, and please know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. So, I’m sorry.” Some sort of relief flashed over his features.

“It’s okay” He started. “No it’s not” You shot back at him but he just continued like he hadn’t head you, but you knew he had.

“You’re not really a child so I don’t even know why I called you that, you’re what? Like 19?”

“Not why I acted like that but,” you mumbled under your breath, but he couldn’t hear it. He was seated behind his desk, which wasn’t close to the doorway you had yet to move from. “24, actually” You spoke up louder.

“Really?” He asked you, laughing. And you nodded your head in return.

“You look a little younger” he said still chuckling and you couldn’t help but chuckle with him.

“Oh so she does smile!” He then says happily. “You don’t look as intimidating when you do” he adds.

“Well, yeah, whatever” You mumble, feeling out of place already. “Again sorry for what happened this morning, and sorry for bothering you so late at night, sleep well” with that you almost instantly disappeared from the door opening that you hadn’t left.

“Don’t stress it, goodnight” He answered you. You made you way across the hallway and into your own room. When you got there you locked the door behind you, opened the first box you saw and started unpacking. By the time you were done it was late, but you were glad you had finally done the task that you had been putting off for so long, and that while you didn’t even had that many stuff. You grabbed the book that you had put down on your nightstand a few days ago along with the soft grey blanket that you had laid down on the end of the bed. You walked over to the door that lead to the balcony attached to your room and shoved it aside, the balcony is one of the things you liked most about this place.

The balcony was actually pretty big, there was a dark gray lounge set with lighter gray pillows. Something inside of you thanked Tony for his expensive taste. You let yourself sink in the corner of the lounge set and got lost in the story line of your book.

You don’t know how long it has been when a soft knock on your door interrupted your thoughts.

“FRIDAY who is at my door?” You asked quietly, making sure that if it was someone you didn’t want to see they’d think you had fallen asleep with the lights on. “It’s Bucky” she answered.

“Could you unlock the door, please?” You asked her, hoping he would understand the hint that he could come inside.

[chapter 6]

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thebuckysoldier · 4 years

Text

Identical Monsters - chapter 4

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: The reader is new at the compound and doesn’t talk to anyone there. She befriends Bucky over a shared trauma all while trying to find her own place in the compound.

Word count: 1.7K

Warnings: Mentions of rape, (vague) description of rape, curse words

A/N: Personally, think this chapter is kind of heavy. And I would like to say that if you went through something like this and you would like to talk about it, I’ll listen. Or if you want to talk about anything else, I’ll listen! Thank you for reading xx

Identical Monsters - Masterpage

The next morning when you woke up you were reminded by FRIDAY that today would be your first mission. And honestly, you looked forward to some action again.

After getting ready you made your way to the kitchen. While on the way there, Bucky was just making his way back to his room.

“Good luck today, although I know you won’t need it” he said to you, smiling. You had told him last night how much you looked forward to it. It was just a small mission, so it was just going to be you, Natasha and Steve, meaning he wasn’t coming.

You also knew damn well this mission was mostly about them seeing what you were able to do and if you were ready for real missions. And, of course the most important of all, how you would act to being on the other side of it all, the good side.

You gave him a quick, excited nod in combination with a smile. “Thanks”

And he was gone again, doing god knows what. For one-second you wondered what he did through out the day, you barely ever saw him. But you shoved that to the back of you head when you walked into the kitchen, seeing Clint, Wanda and Steve.

“Good morning” you told them when you walked in, taking them by surprise.

“Good morning” Wanda said back to you, hesitantly. Looking at the others, seeing if they had heard you too. The sight was almost comedic, but you held in your laugh, not letting them know.

While you made your breakfast they continued their conversation. You sat down on one of the barstools again, it had become one of your favorite places in the compound, well at least in the living quarters. From here you could see the dinner table, the corridor that lead to the training room and the couch and TV.

“So, are you looking forward to today, kid” Clint spoke up louder, asking you.

When the last word left his lips, it kept echoing through your head. ‘Kid’. It was almost like you were there again. The spoon you were using to eat you oatmeal with fell into the bowl, making them jump at the unexpected sound.

You felt his hand wrap around your throat, the other one clasping at your thigh.

“Are you ready for me, kid?”

You tried to get a word out, anything. You didn’t want it. No, you weren’t ready. But no sounds came out, his hand blocking your air.

His dark brown, ugly, eyes looking at you with lust and anger. The hand that had been wrapped around your throat was now pulling at your hair, it was better than your throat, but nevertheless still horrible.

“No uncle, please don’t” You cried out, the tears rolling over your cheek.

“Look at you, crying, how pathetic. You know better, you should remember your training. You’re weak” He spat back at you, going through with the actions he was going to do to you. The actions he had done a thousand times before, and the actions he was going to do a thousand times more. And each and every time it ended in the same situation, you crying and him saying words similar like the ones he had just said to you.

“Don’t ever call me kid again” You basically threatened Clint, your voice low but loud.

And with that you were gone again. You had grabbed the bowl with you, but even thinking of eating it now seemed to only make you more nauseous. Seeing what was in front of you became harder the closer you got to your room, tears threatening to spill from your eyes, so when you almost stumbled into Natasha you weren’t surprised.

But you just quickly made your way around her and continued the way to your room. You could hear her asking you confused what was going on, but you just ignored it and made your way to your room.

You locked the door behind you and leant against it for at least 2 minutes. Your eyes were closed and you tried not to let the haunting memories in, but it was too late. You felt unbelievably filthy, you could feel each and every hand he had laid on your body again.

The bowl was now on your still empty desk and on your way to the bathroom you almost tripped over the still to be opened boxes.

Leaning with both hands on the sink you looked in the mirror. You laid your hand gently around your throat, it felt like the skin under your fingers was permanently bruised, but there was nothing to see. Your hands slipped down to your hips, under the waistband of the jeans you were wearing, where you could still feel the crescent shaped scars that his nails had left.

You looked at your face again, your eyes didn’t look as puffy as you expected them to be, but it was still obvious that you had cried. They were slightly bloodshot and the mascara streaks were evidence of your tears running down your face.

You quickly grabbed a washcloth, cleaned your face and applied a new layer of mascara. Then you just looked at yourself in the mirror again, “You are not weak. You can handle yourself. You are not what he did to you.” You spoke to yourself, harshly. You took a deep breath and walked back into the room.

You weren’t really nauseous anymore, and you had to do good today meaning you had to eat good. While walking past the door you unlocked it, so if you needed to get out of here quickly, you could. You grabbed the bowl and walked over to the window, it was actually a big part of your room. It took up one complete wall, reaching from the floor to the ceiling. From here you could see a big part of the garden, the garden wasn’t that special but it was better then having to look at the compound it self.

You stood there for a while, this morning when you woke up you were in such a great mood, it was sad how just one simple word had turned that all around. You were eating small bites until a knock on your door interrupted your thoughts. You hummed loud enough so the person would be able to hear you.

Steve opened the door, “Wheels up in 25 minutes, but if you’re not up for it today that’s fine we’ll just ask Wanda or something” The way he talked to you was almost like he was scared, that’s how carefully he said those words. That’s because you’re a monster. You reminded yourself.

“I’ll see you in 15 minutes.” Your voice sounded determent, just like you wanted. You wanted to show them what you were capable of. You wanted to be able to join the others on the bigger missions. You wanted to do good. And you would never in a million years let your mind, memories or your own goddamn uncle take that away from you.

Even though you had fought on the wrong side before, you wanted to do nothing more than show them all you were on the good side now. And that you would do anything to stay on that side.

He gave you a nod and disappeared again. You took the last few bites and took your bowl back to the kitchen, luckily for you it was empty. After the kitchen you quickly made your way to the gear room and ’suited up’.

Both Natasha en Steve were in there with you, but none of you uttered a word. You were sure Steve had enlightened Natasha on the events that took place, and in return Natasha had told him what she had seen in the halls.

Minutes later Steve had put the quinjet on autopilot and came to the back were you and Natasha were seated. They had been talking about strategies for the mission, while you had yet to say a word. But you made sure they knew that you were listening. After Steve and Natasha agreed how to proceed it got quiet again.

“How long until we’re there?” You spoke up.

“Two and a half hours” Steve replied.

You put your headphones in and got lost in your thoughts. It’s about an hour later and you can tell they are talking about you.

“You should’ve heard her say it, she spewed the words out like they were venom, so much hatered laced in her voice” You heard Steve say over the music coming from your headphones.

Pulling your headphones out of your ears you speak up.

“I know what this mission is about, I’m not stupid you know”

They look up at you at the same time, and Natasha is giving you the kind of look that says: ’go on’.

“I’ve read my file” you said looking up at the steel ceiling. “Is that all you’ve got on me?”

“Pretty much, yeah” Natasha says.

You huff and let out a laugh, “It barely covers anything”

Looking back at them you see Steve nod, “As in there is more to the story, or you’ve killed more people than your file says?”

“Both”

You could tell they were somewhat taken aback by your blunt answer, but then again they didn’t seem surprised either. Monster. The word kept repeating it self in the back of your mind. The reason they are not surprised is because you are a monster.

After a few moments of silence you spoke up again, not only surprising them, but yourself too.

“It’s attached to bad memories” you said, and they both looked at you confused. “The word kid, it’s attached to bad memories. I know that to you I’m basically a kid, but that’s not why I stormed off”

“We never said we think of you like a kid” Natasha tried.

“You don’t have to, I can tell”

“I don’t,” She said, “I think you never even had a childhood actually”

And for some reason you believed her words, you didn’t know if it had something to do with you knowing her backstory or the way her words sounded so sincere. But what you did know was that they eased you mind before going into the mission.

[chapter 5]

36 notes · View notes

thebuckysoldier · 4 years

Text

Identical Monsters - chapter 3

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: The reader is new at the compound and doesn’t talk to anyone there. She befriends Bucky over a shared trauma all while trying to find her own place in the compound.

Word count: 1.2K

Warnings: none

Identical Monsters - Masterpage

After a few more moments he let you go again and signaled for you to try again.

“And at least try this time” He said with a breathless chuckle.

This time it was him who thew the first punch. You easily avoided it and threw your own, landing it on the left side of his chest. You saw him take a deep breath.

“Did I… hurt you in Ukraine?”

You tucked a loose strand behind your ear, showing a small but deep scar.

“A result of the muzzle of your rifle, and you ruined a pretty dress”

He was about to open his mouth, to apologize, you knew, you had heard the stories about him. And you had even felt the tension between him and Tony.

“Don’t” you simply, but sternly said.

“But-“ He started to say.

“I said don’t” You said but this time softer. “I don’t want nor need to hear your apology”

He just gave you a quick nod and threw another punch. Just seconds later you were laying on you back with him on his back between your legs, making sure he was unable to move. He patted your thigh and you let him go.

He shook his shoulder with the metal arm, like it was bothering him, which you could imagine it did.

“Does it hurt?” You asked, gesturing towards his metal arm.

“Not as much as it used to, the doctors call it phantom pain, I just think it’s stupid”

You nodded, letting your arms down. Signaling him that you were done. He saw this as an opportunity.

“Never let your guard down while you’re in the ring” he said while trying to get you on the ground. But it was him who was in a hold at the end of his sentence.

His back was against your chest and your mouth was next to his ear.

“I don’t let my guard down” I told him, almost whispering. Your words made him shudder, he could almost feel your lips on his ear, only making it worse. You walked out of the room after and the only thing he could do was watch after you.

After letting out a bit of energy with Bucky sleep still didn’t came fast, but at least it came. Not long after you had shut your own door you heard Bucky close his own, he slept in the room on the opposite side of the hall.

The next few nights went just like this one did. You couldn’t sleep and when you went down to the training room he was always already there. You trained for a bit, barely talked and then went back to your room to sleep.

But it was one night where you came down in a knitted sweater and shorts, you weren’t planning on training tonight. You had started your period today and didn’t feel like training, at all. But you also weren’t sleepy yet. But what you were, was craving some ice cream.

You stopped in the doorway with your sweater covering your hands and most of your shorts, Bucky hadn’t noticed you yet. His back was turned towards you and he was hitting a punching bag. The tight, white shirt he was wearing accentuated the muscles in his back in the best way.

Of course you had noticed how handsome Bucky was. His long brown hair that looked very soft had you wishing you could go through it with your hand. But you also loved it when he wore it up in a bun, that way you could see his face better. And you didn’t even have to start about his biceps, they probably were a little smaller then you head and you found them amazing.

You crossed your arms and watched him for a little bit longer. He reached for his phone to look at something and then watch directly at you.

“Have you been standing there for long?” He asked and you noticed his eyes taking up your unusual appearance.

“For a while, yeah” and you could help but bite your bottom lip, trying to suppress the smile that wanted to take over your features. But it seemed nearly impossible when he smiled at the ground himself. You hadn’t seen him smile often, but it was a sight you really enjoyed.

“Not a soldier but a spy, huh?” he asked you with the smile still plastered on his face.

And you nodded your head.

“I wasn’t planning on training tonight” you started softly.

“I could tell by your outfit” He answered while grabbing a white towel from the ground and using it to dab away a bit of sweat.

“I saw that there still was some ice cream left” you started again. You were never the one to have friends, you actually never really had a friend. This thing with Bucky was the closest thing to a friendship you’ve ever had. “So I’ll be in the kitchen, if you’d like to join me”

The words came out awkward but soft. Bucky thought you looked shy and maybe a little out of place. And he was absolutely right about you, you felt out of place, you had never done this whole ordeal before, ’asking someone to hang out with you’.

But here you were, a little past 1am in the kitchen grabbing two spoons and the carton that held the ice cream. Silence fell upon you two but just like the first time, it wasn’t uncomfortable.

Bucky looked at you, you were using your spoon to get a little of vanilla ice cream off the side, but the ice cream was stubborn and didn’t do what you wanted. You let out a quiet huff in frustration and he couldn’t help but laugh.

Your head shot up in surprise. He looked at you with a soft smile, “So, why are you no feeling like kicking my ass tonight?”

 You let out a breathy laugh, “Honest answer?” He gave you a nod.

“My cramps are killing me” you rose your shoulders while saying it.

“Ah” he responded, getting lost in his thoughts. The comfortable silence fell upon you two again. That was until he started talking again.

“My sister used to get them real bad too. I used to hate it when she told me about it. Now I just miss my sister.” You slowly nodded your head, you didn’t know for sure but you expected her to have passed already.

“Is she still among us?” You asked carefully, not to hurt his feelings. You knew how other people got emotional over their families and you felt bad for him, hurting him wasn’t your intention.

“No, not anymore”

“I’m sorry” you said to him sincerely, offering a warm smile. You wanted to ask him about back then, the time before the Second World War. But you didn’t want to sound disrespectful.

“You can ask you know. I know you want to, I can see it in your eyes” he told you, and you began wondering if one of the things HYDRA did to him was making him able to read minds.

“What was it like back then? Life before the war?” You asked softly, but excited. He looked you in the eyes and he saw pure curiosity.

“Better than it was now” he said while a sad smile plastered his face, “But that may also have to do something with this”, gesturing to his arm.

You nodded, “What was the best part?”

A chuckle left his lips, “The girls, everything was cheaper, I actually had friends”

“You’ve got Steve? And the others” You questioned him.

“Just like you’ve got the others, right?” You knew what he meant, around the others he didn’t really talk either, just like you.

“But they like you, I can tell”

[chapter 4]

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thebuckysoldier · 4 years

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Ohmygosh, I love this one so much!! Peter is such a cutiepie 🥺🥺🥺

boys like you | college au | fuckboy!peter (smut)

authors Note: welp, it’s here and it’s a bit of a long one. i’m from england, so naturally, i had to do a bit of research into american colleges in terms of living on campus and stuff. but, it’s here, it took a while, so enjoy!

summary: books, coffee, candles and blankets. those are your thing. parties, beer, one night stands and tight dresses are not. so what happens when your new roommate drags you to one of peter’s frat parties and he becomes absolutely infatuated with you?

warnings: angst, eventual smut; teasing, kissing, swearing, fingering, oral (female receiving), sex, little dirty talk, use of toys (vibrator).

word count: 17,075 (jeeeeez)

Homecoming. The first home football game of the year, which, coincidentally fell on the first day of the new school year. If you were being honest, you secretly enjoyed the buzz of sweaty boys and cheering girls as they stampeded over the grassy playing field of MVU. Not that you’d admit that to Leone, though, especially after the way you promised to make it known just how much of a bad time you were having once you got there, when she told you that you had to go because she was “sick of watching you read your life away, book after bloody book,” in that godforsaken British accent everyone appeared to adore so much.

She was right, though, (again, not that you would ever admit to her and feed that monstrous, ever-growing ego); you were reading your life away, book after book when every other student appeared to know how to have a good time – whether that was guys chugging kegs and girls flashing their tits, or in a general case, attending the annual First Home MVU Game where the Milburn Vine Tigers fight to the death. Well, not really, though it was their slogan on all the cheap posters around campus since you had started.

Typically you’d spend the first night of the new school year (or any other night, for that matter) reading a good book while Leone trashed the dorm room with clothes and makeup before heading out for a night on the not so lively town. Only two hours from Long Island, Milburn Vine University housed over 12,500 students per school year and for two long, gruelling ones, you had been a blurred face amongst the crowd.

Lees verder

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thebuckysoldier · 4 years

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BUCKY BARNES || MCU PROGRESSION

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thebuckysoldier · 4 years

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Identical Monsters - masterpage

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: The reader is new at the compound and doesn’t talk to anyone there. She befriends Bucky over a shared trauma all while trying to find her own place in the compound.

chapter 1

chapter 2 chapter 3 chapter 4 chapter 5

chapter 6

chapter 7

chapter 8

chapter 9 Coming soon

masterlist

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thebuckysoldier · 4 years

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Identical Monsters - chapter 2

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: The reader is new at the compound and doesn’t talk to anyone there. She befriends Bucky over a shared trauma all while trying to find her own place in the compound.

Word count: 1.3K

Warnings: mention of selfharm (scars)

Identical Monsters - Masterpage

You walked around the corner to your room but you almost got knocked down by Bucky. He quickly muttered an apology and he was off again. You didn’t think much of it, you knew you could be like that too.

After your shower you put on another pair of black leggings but this time combined it with an olive green knitted sweater. When you were done you made your way to the kitchen to see most of the people who lived here already there, sitting at the dining table. You sat down on one of the barstools and started playing with your nails.

A few moments later Wanda placed a plate in front of you, breaking your thoughts.

“Join us at the table?” She asked with a smile. You returned the favor and nodded. You took the plate and walked over to the table, unsure where to sit until Clint kicked out the chair on the opposite side of the table and guesturing for you to sit down.

“You would not believe what happened about 20 minutes ago” He started as Wanda and Vision were giving the others plates as well.

Your eyes went wide, you knew what he was hinting at and you looked at Natasha who just had an annoyed smile on her face.

“Well, enlighten us” Sam said to him. “Natasha got her ass kicked” most of the others just rolled their eyes, not believing what he said and you were hoping it would mean Clint would drop the subject.

“By who, you?” Steve spoke up. Clint huffed, “No, by Y/n”

Most of them perked up at the mention of your name but you just kept staring at your plate.

“Really?” One of them asked, you weren’t even sure who.

“Yes, it was amazing. Wanna see?” He responded again. You were confused, was he going to make you fight Natasha again?

“Duh” Tony responded. Clint grabbed a tablet laying on the table and asked FRIDAY if she could show him the footage of the security cameras in the training room.

“You don’t have to” You told him quietly, you know he heard you but he shrugged it off. Bucky, who sat next to you at the table heard you as well and wondered why you didn’t want them to see if it was true.

Once Clint found the clip he showed them and they all seemed pretty impressed.

“Remind me not to start a fight with you” Sam said, you just smiled at him.

“I’m sure Natasha wasn’t even trying” You spoke up, your voice sounded lifeless but you couldn’t help it. She let out a sarcastic chuckle, “But I was though”.

They talked about it for a while but luckily the subject was changed soon after and you went back to quietly eating your food and making no conversation.

You couldn’t help but let your mind wander. What wouldn’t they think of you after seeing the video. Probably that you were some kind of monster. Especially because you are one of the youngest ones here. You spent a little more time in your head before Wanda said you name.

“Y/N would you like some ice cream as well?”

You cleared your throat. “No thank you” She gave you a smile and a nod and then took your empty plate. Wanda seemed very nice, it hurt to think that she thought of you as a monster.

You still sat at the table while the others ate ice cream, but again didn’t say anything. When everyone was done you helped Wanda clean up.

“Thank you for dinner, it was lovely” You spoke up first.

“Thank you Y/N” She answered with a sweet smile on your face she gave you a soft stoke over your upper arm after she set the last dish in the dishwasher and left the kitchen.

The rest of the evening went by peacefully, you went back to your room and started reading the book you had put on your night stand this morning.

As the evening went by there were a few occasions you looked up at the boxes that were on the other side of the room. They seemed to taunt you, but you didn’t want to unpack them.

It was getting later and later but you didn’t seem to get tired at all. There no longer came light sweeping under your door from the hall, meaning there probably wasn’t anyone awake anymore.

When you looked at the time it turned out to be around a quarter past one. You weren’t sleepy at all so you decided to change your sweater into a tank top and left your room. Under none of the doors came light, who even was as crazy as you to be up right now?

When you left the hall some other lights were still on, someone had probably forgotten to turn them off. Once you got to the training room you found out you actually weren’t the only crazy one.

As you came through the door way you stopped in your tracks, and Bucky stopped punching the punching bag.

“I’m sorry” You said, “I’ll leave”

He cleared his throat quickly, “No, stay”

Those were the first words he had said to you, not that you could blame him, you really hadn’t said anything to him either.

“Couldn’t sleep either?” He asked you.

“Sleep has never really been my thing” you stated softly and he hummed in response.

“Wanna train together?” He asked after a few moments of silence that really hadn’t been as awkward as you expected them. “At least, if you go a little softer on me then you did on Nat” he then continued.

A slight grimace appeared on your face and he noticed but decided against asking. You had made him curious about you today, he really barely knew anything about you.

You swallowed the lump in your throat and responded to him.

“You’ll be fine” You said it very softly but he didn’t fail to catch it.

It was you second time today standing in the ring, well technically the other time was yesterday but you hadn’t slept yet so you still counted it as today.

You threw the first punch and so your fight began. You did go kind of easy on him.

“Have we fought before?”

He couldn’t help but ask her, this whole thing felt familiar but he couldn’t remember, and with your last comment he surely was curious.

“Ukraine, but is has been a while”

She could see his Adams apple bob up and down. And at that moment you knew for sure that he was fighting his own demons as well, but what you didn’t knew was that they might be very similar to yours.

“Can I ask you why you couldn’t sleep?” He questioned you again while still fighting.

You wanted to close your eyes for a few seconds but you couldn’t, you were fighting and you’ve been taught better.

“Nightmares” You stated monotonously.

He nodded, “I understand, I get them too”

And a moment later you were on the floor, under him. You knew that you could easily get on top and you mind screamed at you to do so, but you didn’t. It went against every training you have ever had, but you still let Bucky pin you down.

You saw his eyes glide over your arms that he had pinned down. He took notice of the probably thousands of scars that scattered your arms. He recognized them as cut and burn scars.

“My teenage years weren’t kind to me” you stated softly as you watched his eyes rake down your arms.

He knew it was time for him to let you go but he was shocked by what he was seeing. So many self inflicted scars. There was so much he didn’t knew about the girl he had pinned down, but she intrigued him to no other point.

[chapter 3]

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