thecaptainscribbles

[thecaptainscribbles]

So I was talking about pisces people and a friend called them Spicies.

That's it.

I will never not call them Spicies now, it's too fitting lol.

Also hello everyone, I have not been on Tumblr for years.

#pisces #zodiac #zodiac signs #spicies

[thecaptainscribbles]

‘Bad’ comprises each step of a staircase. You’ve got an unreachable top floor and the first several steps aren’t gonna do anything to help you. Heck, they’re not gonna do anything other than be an obstacle, maybe an ‘ugly’ one too.

You pile ‘bad’ on top of ‘bad’, one ‘bad’ at a time and eventually you will reach the top. And your staircase will get you to a higher place. It’ll be beautiful.

Without the ‘bad’ there’s no ‘good’. Without steps there’s no staircase. Embrace the ‘bad’ and acknowledge that what’s important isn’t that momentary result, it’s the progress you build on top of it.

getting over the fear of being bad is so fucking hard… like, it’s literally a super power if you can start something and say ‘it doesn’t matter if it’s bad, it just matters that it exists’

‘bad’ is so terrifying, ‘bad’ is wrecking, and the ability to apply self-compassion to things deemed ‘bad’ is beyond amazing, to understand not everything in life will be ‘good’ and that’s okay

essays, art, novels, school, relationships, anyone out there starting things when they are terrified of the arbitrary metric of the result… I am so fucking proud of you, you are so brave and strong

keep starting new things, even if ‘bad’ is a possibility 

#bad #'good' without 'bad' is just 'average' #same the other way around

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Yeah, to me lazy is an act of choice. You don’t care about dishes because the maid cleans them, so you choose to lounge or nap instead. I’m sure laziness exists, I have no doubts, and it can be enabled. Having someone do everything for you, giving you the free choice to either be active or be lazy, is an enabler.

But the lazy itself is a choice. It’s in the definition of the word. You’re lazy so you buy food pre-made rather than make your own. It’s nothing negative.

To me, it’s no longer lazy when someone wants to do something, but can’t or is stopped by a barrier, psychological or otherwise. I want to get up and shower, I know I will feel better after, not getting up makes me feel physically ill and yet I can’t even stand up from the chair. It makes me feel progressively worse. I really want to, but I can’t get my body to move.

It’s unfair to label me as lazy, it’s not my choice and I find it distressing enough without being labeled as such.

For context, you can have executive dysfunction and be lazy too. For me, executive dysfunction is one of the hardest to cope with symptom of ADHD. It paralyzes me so much that sometimes I can’t even go to the toilet because I can’t get up off the chair. I want to play a game but I can’t get myself to start it. I’m also lazy about plenty of stuff lol. I’m too lazy to cook for example. It’s not something I enjoy, and although I could do it, and I have done it, it’s not my thing, and it’s not a necessity. I can recognize and admit it. It’s my own choice. My boyfriend cooks instead because it’s something he enjoys. Prior to meeting him, I was eating prepackaged foods, not because I couldn’t cook, but because I had no interest in it. I’m lazy about going out after working all day. I can do it, I sometimes do it, but the majority of time, I don’t want to do it, because I prefer relaxing and watching TV. I know it would be healthy for me to go out more, but I don’t, by choice.

So yeah. In essence... It’s the difference between unable and unwilling.

people have a tendency to think/act like executive dysfunction is just laziness, and theres a lot of posts on a lot of platforms disputing that idea, but im just gonna share something that happened to me this morning, because i think its worth sharing. i got up, took my meds, went downstairs and made myself breakfast. i sat down at the table to eat, and i stopped. not because id forgotten something, or because anything happened, i just, stopped. i was hungry, i was consciously aware of the fact that i was hungry, and there was food right in front of me. so i sat there, not doing anything, for at least ten minutes, because my brain would not let me eat. thats not laziness, even if laziness were real(which i really dont think it is), thats not it. so no, executive dysfunction is not just being lazy, because if it was it wouldnt have taken me ten minutes to start eating the toast on the plate right in front of me when i was hungry.

#executive dysfunction #lazy #laziness #Actually ADHD #attention deficit hyperactivity disorder #adhd

[thecaptainscribbles]

God what a mood. 

This sort of mindset should become more popular because there’s a staggering amount of people who think putting others under pressure is the only way to solve problems and that’s simply not true.

I know personally I experienced this due to exigent parents, while having undiagnosed ADHD and all it ever did was make me shut down. I’ve only started to improve and be better after moving out and being given the freedom to do things in a way that worked for me.

[thecaptainscribbles]

Ok but instructions sometimes really do sound like this when you have ADHD. 😂😂

#adhd #Actually ADHD #actuallyadhd #attention deficit hyperactivity disorder #adhd inattentive

[thecaptainscribbles]

My boyfriend breaks my heart sometimes because of this. Not because “men don’t cry”, he’s never once gone around saying that, nor has he made any allusion to the idea that crying is a girl’s thing, or that only girls cry.

But he has said, multiple times, when I asked him why he never cries in front of me, “I have to be strong. Someone has to be strong. I have to smile and keep going to give you the strength and inspiration to do the same.”

Men are told “men don’t cry” because crying is seen as a female (ie subhuman) behavior and men are expected to adhere to the dignity of their class which confers the right to be considered fully human. If a man displays feminine behavior he’s punished because he is adopting the traits of second class citizens and not fully living up to his societally granted right to be considered superior. This is not a punishment for men. This is the subjugation of women that backfires in men’s faces because they’re too stupid and myopic to realize that everyone needs to express emotional weakness from time to time to be mentally healthy

#He's a feminine guy #I've never once heard him say anything sexist #but he's terrified of expressing any emotional weakness #breaks my heart every single time

[thecaptainscribbles]

Mood. 

I do think it shouldn’t be associated with the word ‘revenge’ though, because people have weird ideas about it. It gives the impression that it’s a conscious choice people make out of spite, that they could just... not make lol.

But most who experience it aren’t just, revengeful people taking a stance in sheer stubbornness lol, rather, they’re simply stressed out and unable to unwind, relax or cope with it. It’s a basic fundamental need, no one enjoys a life under permanent stress, only to go to bed and wake up to face it again. 

[thecaptainscribbles]

I get this lol. I used to draw 24/7, there wasn’t a day when I wasn’t drawing. I always thought it was My Thing and My Passion and My Identity. But I found out eventually that it was actually a passion for discovery and experimentation (improving in art includes both of them, it takes exploration and experimentation to get better), coupled with a very intense need to express myself during crappy times. 

Most of my art was vent art. It was indeed my “Identity”, but only because my identity was, in essence, suffering. I was in pain constantly with no way to let it out and no one to talk to. 

My passion for art faltered when I found other ways to vent, and vanished completely when I moved out and started enjoying life lol.

i may be burnt out but i *am* over it

[thecaptainscribbles]

God, what a mood. I’ve felt this throughout my entire childhood/teenagehood, before getting diagnosed. It’s particularly distressing when you haven’t yet been diagnosed and no one seems to think there’s anything wrong with you beyond “weird”, “lazy” and “stupid”. You know there’s something wrong, but you don’t know what, so all you can do is internalize all the negative shit you hear. 

in all seriousness it's very alienating knowing theres Something Wrong With You. like seeing your mental illness come through in your behaviour and thought processes and knowing it's irrational and unhealthy, knowing other people are reading you as weird or stupid, and not being able to do anything about it is such a lonely experience

#adhd #actuallyadhd #Actually ADHD #actually mentally ill #attention deficit hyperactivity disorder

[thecaptainscribbles]

Mood. I see a lot of people arguing under the idea of “How is this going to accommodate my memory loss or my RSD reactions, or my emotional dysregulation”. 

But it’s not about that type of accommodation and I don’t think these people get that. It’s not all about “Being able to see without glasses despite having nearsightedness”, but rather about the difference between having nearsightedness, and being placed at the back of a class, with no glasses, and being placed at the front of a class. The disability doesn’t disappear, It’s still very much there, but the debilitating factor is changed.

You unfortunately need experience to be able to stay open-minded though. A lot of people don’t ever find out what it’s like to live under different circumstances, so they embrace the idea that if something is unfixable, then it will remain debilitating regardless of circumstances. It’s simply not true.

I’m not arguing that memory loss or emotional dysregulation are going to simply stop being problems we deal with. I’m very familiar with these myself. But your circumstances will dictate whether they become debilitating or not.

My ADHD as a whole was disabling to the point where I wasn’t functional at all, when I lived with my parents, before being diagnosed. I was automatically painted as lazy and incapable, for not adjusting to a set of expectations that everyone assumed was “the norm”. My efforts were not seen as efforts, but rather, as a lack of interest and care. It was damaging. 

I lived under the idea that this situation would never improve no matter what. Because ultimately, if I was the problem, how would a change in environment help with anything, right? My brain was the source of the problems, not the inherently unreachable expectations placed upon me, so these problems would remain problems indefinitely. Right?

Ha, wrong. I learned this when I moved out. I moved in with someone who would actually listen, someone who directly countered my ADHD. I live with someone whose response to me being unable to do chores on any given day is “It’s okay, you’re tired, you’ve done plenty today, just rest. These chores can wait, and if they can’t, I’ll do my best to handle them”. 

I live with someone whose response to a bad spell of emotional dysregulation is offering me both space and concern + care, rather than dismissal or an equally overblown reaction, or judgement. Getting extremely emotional and being given space to process it, while equally receiving care, is powerful. It’s the difference between “Stop overreacting, you’re ridiculous” and “I know you’re upset, can I get you anything, some food? Tea?” 

These small changes affect how debilitating ADHD can be. I still have these problems. I still deal with it daily, it’s a part of my life. But they’re no longer distressing, they don’t make my life a living hell anymore. My ADHD didn’t change. My environment did.

We’re social creatures. The society you live in and the people around you directly dictate how you live and how you cope. A problem is only a problem under expectations set too high. And expectations change depending on the people you’re surrounded by. Being ostracized and cast aside for a problem (rather than receiving understanding and help) is a result of society drilling a specific set of “normalcy” expectations into each individual, and punishing them for not rising up to them. 

like literally no one with any understanding of critical disability theory whatsoever is arguing that communism will cure adhd or any other conditions. if that’s your understanding of the subject, you’re not in a position to talk about it at all

#and for everyone arguing that they're living alone and struggling and using this as proof that no matter what nothing will change #Or that their circumstances have changed and they still struggle #consider your expectations; consider the fact that you will carry the expectations that were placed upon you #until you live in a community where these expectations are different #You're a member of your society. These normalcy expectations were drilled into you too #You're going to ostracize and set yourself up for failure too for not raising up to these expectations #Everyone internalizes their experiences; If all you got was judgement you will judge yourself too until shown otherwise

[thecaptainscribbles]

Partial disagree. Mainly because we have no real way of knowing this sort of stuff. But realistically? 

ADHD symptomatology is directly affected by the environment. I can vouch for this. Growing up between 4 walls, often with a lack of direct care and shared-experiences (most parents nowadays are absent due to working schedules, or too tired to bother during their free time) will intensify them and so will unrestricted access to ‘pointless’ entertainment like scrolling on social media. The more “freedom” someone has, the harder it is and the more apparent the ADHD will become. The lack of guidance and care means most people will build poor coping mechanisms, to add to it. 

There’s a reason why you can be medicated and still struggle. Even with the physical aspect treated, poor coping mechanisms still hinder progress.

If you consider a different, less artificial environment, such as... say, a tribe, where a child is usually surrounded by multiple adults at a time, is directly included in most activities (since it’s not a situation where adults would “go to work” where they’re “not allowed” to bring children), and has ample opportunities to do actually stimulating activities like running around barefoot, dancing, exploring and just getting dirty (as opposed to loafing on a chair or in a bed, eyes glued to a screen)... Well, you get a different scenario.

Also consider how most modern children are expected to spend their most sensitive years in the schooling system. It’s very unnatural to be expected to wake up before sunrise in order to spend the majority of your day locked up in a horribly understimulating (or overstimulating) room with 10-30 other unrelated children, essentially forced to sit in a chair the entire time. Compare it with the tribal type of raising children, where learning is mostly physical, through following example set by the family, not by a clinical stranger, and finalized with actual results, not in the form of “marks”, but in the form of, for example, a successful hunt. “Marks” have no purpose outside of the schooling system, so for the majority of a person’s early years, there’s no real feelings of purpose and accomplishments. You don’t learn how to be an adult until you’re wildly thrown into it. 

Add to this the expectations that most modern families have, the pressure that comes with it, the detachment and the lack of involvement and patience on their part due to a lack of time and you’ve got the magical mix that contributes to the modern ADHD and the reason why it has become so problematic.

Getting a little bit tired of posts that are like “adhd is only a disorder because of capitalism” as if it’s mr monopoly man’s fault that i struggle to stay committed to artistic projects i undertook personally for myself and that I enjoy, have trouble regulating my emotions, and procrastinate on eating and going to the bathroom.

I get what they are trying to say, but even if capitalism didn’t exist I would still want to have things like “the motivation to clean my living space and the ability to actually notice that it’s dirty.” I know this is part of the misperception of adhd, but adhd doesn’t just affect academics and work. It affects EVERYTHING, including your personal goals and your own basic needs

#adhd #Actually ADHD #actuallyadhd #attention deficit hyperactivity disorder

[thecaptainscribbles]

You’re not gonna find it in many other places ;). I’m actually legitimately curious which are the alive first on the list of places for you.

Tumblr shouldn’t be glorified or anything, but any community where people can discuss something freely from their POV is a great informational source if you have the smarts to weed through it. It also happens to have a format that promotes an easy way to do so as well, in the form of reblogs and likes and tags. If you find a post with a large amount of notes, where people with an actual diagnosis confirm that information, it’s fairly easy to assume that it has a certain credibility. 

I don’t usually respond to schnazz like this, but ADHD-wise, Tumblr and similar communities are great, and actually much better than many other sources. Why? Because “officially”, ADHD has mostly been associated and studied @ young boys. Adult ADHD is still not acknowledged in many parts of the world. Girls with ADHD go undiagnosed really often. 

I’m female and I was diagnosed at 23. No one ever suspected ADHD (not even myself, even though I looked into it multiple times). You know why? Because it’s hardly ever documented. It looks different from “official sources”. I got diagnosed precisely thanks to Tumblr and similar communities, for sharing actual life experiences. Because I stumbled across posts similar to this, dug deeper, and realized that wow, it’s all accurate. All of it. 

So I went, made a suggestion to my psychiatrist, who scheduled a meeting with me (and my mom, for confirmation of existing symptomatology during childhood years) and would you look at that. I got officially diagnosed and subsequently medicated. And I live a much better life thanks to it :). 

Ok so I've found a way to describe what Neurodivergent Can't Do Task Mode™ feels like to neurotypicals

So you know how you can't make yourself put your hand down on a hot stovetop? There's a part of your brain that stops you from doing that? That's what Neurodivergent Can't Do Task Mode™ feels like

Even if we want to do it, there's a barrier stopping us from doing it, and it's really hard to override

And why does our brain see the task as a hot stovetop? Because when neurotypicals finish a task, they get serotonin, but we don't get that satisfaction after completing a task. A neurotypical wouldn't get serotonin from putting their hand on a hot stovetop, it would just hurt. When we can't do a task, it's because our brain knows that the task will hurt (metaphorically) and wants to avoid that.

It's not that we're choosing not to do the task, it's that our brain is physically preventing us from doing it.

Neurotypicals can and should reblog but please don't add anything

(Sorry/not sorry about the random bolding, it makes it easier for us to read)

#how you choose your sources is your problem #but don't dismiss POV type informational sources that has a great approval through the community #seriously #adhd #Actually ADHD #actuallyadhd #attention deficit hyperactivity disorder #adhd inattentive

[thecaptainscribbles]

God, mood. Also why growing up in a cold environment, essentially being touch-starved, is so traumatic. Same for needing or requesting comfort and being rejected and isolated in return. 

“The most natural way for human beings to calm themselves when they are upset is by clinging to another person. This means that patients who have been physically or sexually violated face a dilemma: They desperately crave touch while simultaneously being terrified of body contact. The mind needs to be reeducated to feel physical sensations, and the body needs to be helped to tolerate and enjoy the comforts of touch. Individuals who lack emotional awareness are able, with practice, to connect their physical sensations to psychological events. Then they can slowly reconnect with themselves.”

— Bessel Van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score

#the anatomy of trauma #I have some ugly ass coping mechanisms as a result of this #if I'm agitated or stressed out or in need of comfort I tend to just #poke pinch and touch people in obnoxious ways #because touch is comforting but i never learned how to ask #because anytime i would ask i would get rejected and ostracized

[thecaptainscribbles]

Big yep! I started doing this as a way to save and have easy access to reaction gifs LOL, but I realized it’s an incredibly easy way to store and transfer anything from device to device. As well as a generalized “bookmark” system where you can keep just about anything.

legitimate fucking lifehack: discord server literally just for yourself to keep track of stuff over devices. links. reminders and checklists. all neatly divided into categories. search function and dates. why didnt i do this earlier oh my god.

#adhd #discord #lifehack

[thecaptainscribbles]

This is such a good question??? They’re both based on the social aspect, so it really is haha.

I had both. The social anxiety diminished as I grew up, but was very accentuated when I was younger.

For me, the main difference is that social anxiety (like all anxieties and phobias) is emphasized by expectation, while RSD by reaction. 

I would be extremely anxious about going to the shop and interacting with the cashier, or going to the park and being seen by people. Severe social anxiety in class during school years, which meant I was terrified of everyone even if they had never given me a reason to be. I constantly expected something bad to happen.

The biggest thing... social anxiety can be “avoided”. I don’t mean that it’s easy or anything, but you can just... withdraw and avoid. You can avoid going to the shop, or going to school. It’s really unhealthy to do so, but you can. 

RSD can’t. RSD is a reaction, it’s being told “You have funny ears” and processing it as “you have the ugliest ears on the planet and everyone will make fun of you hahahahaha”. It’s someone telling you “I love you” every day, then accidentally skipping a day, and all you can think of is “they hate me now, I must’ve done something wrong”, proceeding to overthink on every single thing you’ve done to deserve that. 

For me, RSD comes out of nowhere. I can be incredibly happy, feeling good, and someone does something minor that I perceive as rejection. Maybe I’m pestering someone excitedly and they tell me gruffly “Please stop, I don’t like this” and to me it feels like a direct attack on me, as though they’re actually telling me “I don’t like you, change yourself or I will leave”.

Whereas social anxiety is a direct result of something that is going to happen. Mom telling me we’re going to the shop. Finding out we’re going to have guests over. etc.

how can you tell the difference between social anxiety and rsd?

i dont know ive never had social anxiety 

sorry i cant help

if u know the notes are your platform

#adhd #actually adhd #actuallyadhd #attention deficit hyperactivity disorder #rsd #rejection sensitive dysphoria #social anxiety

[thecaptainscribbles]

[said while barely holding back tears] honestly this is fine and i am completely unaffected right now, currently, as we speak

#rsd getting triggered on an almost daily basis be like this oop #adhd #actually adhd #actuallyadhd #attention deficit hyperactivity disorder

[thecaptainscribbles]

I can vouch for this.

Also important to know that the child/teenager body and brain are simply different. There’s a lot of things going on in there. Both medication and therapy is likely to be way different into adulthood, so if something failed during that time, consider giving it a try later on. This is especially because most children and teenagers have no control in their lives. Being asked to follow guidelines only further infringes on that. It’s hard.

Living in a crappy environment will also easily thwart therapy coping skills simply because you only go to therapy so often... but you live in the crappy environment 24/7. Therapy is typically also isolated in a sense. Going to a very calm office and learning coping skills there, those skills will be much harder to access when the inherent instability of home hits again. 

I don't know if any of you had the same experience as me, but I tried therapy when I was a teenager living in an abusive household and thought it was a waste of time. Ultimately my biggest problems (dad) were beyond my control and no amount of coping would make them better. Now that I'm an adult with actual control over my life and don't live with my dad anymore therapy is MUCH more helpful.

If any of you had bad experiences with therapy when you were younger it may be worth it to try again now.

#adhd #actuallyadhd #actually adhd #attention deficit hyperactivity disorder #trauma #mental illness #mental health #therapy #medication #coping skills #abuse