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Sticks & Stones - Chapter 22 [Spencer Reid x fem! reader]

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A/N - here is chapter 22! Lyrics are from This is Gospel by Panic! At The Disco, which you can listen to here.

/// indicates change of perspective. Starts in Reader's POV.

CW: more angst, mentions of abuse, prisons, insecurities, reader backsliding, mentions of pregnancy, revelations, angry Spencer, drinking, swearing.

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WC: 5.3K

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Chapter 22 - This is Gospel

If you love me let me go,

If you love me let me go.

Cause these words are knives that often leave scars,

The fear of falling apart.

And truth be told I never was yours,

The fear, the fear of falling apart.

“Would you stop listening to that damn thing!”

His voice bellowed behind me, storming closer before he slammed the item shut. “You’re so fucking annoying sometimes.”

My eyes widened in shock, I didn’t understand. Why was he being like this? He knew I only listened to it when I needed comfort. Why would he react like this?

Over the past few days Brett had become angrier and angrier. I had no idea where it was coming from.

We had just moved in together, getting a place close to campus. He was studying politics so he could be like his father.

I was studying fashion design, which he told me was much less meaningful. People didn’t make a difference in the world with fashion.

I begged to differ.

He wasn't always like this. He used to be kind and sweet. He used to protect me from bullies in high school.

He was my hero. I was much younger then, just a freshman in high school. I was wide eyed and full of hope for my future. I had plans. I had dreams.

That seemed like so long ago now.

A loud crash occurred and then I was looking down at my shattered music box on the floor. I just stayed rooted in my spot. Afraid of what the outcome would be if I moved.

Unfortunately I wasn't afraid enough.

“What is wrong with you? You know my parents gave me that to help me! I've had it since I was a little girl! How could you!?” My voice raised louder than I ever thought possible.

I quickly moved to pick up the pieces hoping that somehow I could salvage it.

I’d had a bad day. I had found out I was flunking a class and I just needed peace. I never wanted this. Never this.

Brett's hand collided with my face the moment I stood up with the pieces of my shattered childhood in my hands.

“Don't you ever talk to me like that! Do you understand me? I told you I hated that fucking thing. I've told you multiple times. Yet you still choose to ignore me.”

The shards fell from my hands from the impact of what he had just done. I watched again as the small fairy that used to spin with the music landed on the floor.

This wasn't the first time I had made him angry like this. But this was the first time he had ever hit me.

“Y-you hit me! What the fuck is your problem! Don't you ever hit me again!” The rage filled me to my core but vanished quickly. It was suddenly replaced by stone cold fear the moment he grabbed me by my hair and forced me to the bed. He pinned me down beneath him.

“You are so worthless and stupid. That's why you're failing your class. You should be lucky someone like me has even taken an interest in you. You're lucky you have a beautiful face. Just like a doll.” He gripped my wrists so hard I couldn’t move my hands.

What had I done?

“Look at you, a vacant waste of space just like a doll would be.”

A scream escaped me as he wrapped his hands around my throat, but soon died out with the pressure he exerted.

I couldn't breathe. I needed to breathe.

I clawed at him as he held me by the neck, fighting against him to make it stop.

He was going to kill me if he didn't stop.

He needed to stop. Everything needed to stop.

Then suddenly it did and I was left in blissful darkness. For how long I'm unsure.

When I awoke the pain I felt coursing through me was obvious.

My body didn't even respond to what had been done to me to even try to save me from being in this much pain.

“Sort yourself out, doll.” He was leaning over me, the smirk was evident in his tone.

I sat there clutching at my neck, trying to catch my breath. I could hear him but I couldn't understand him.

He grabbed my face and jerked me to meet his eyes.

“I think that's what I'm going to call you now. Doll. Empty, worthless, useless and a waste of space. That's exactly what you are.” he dropped my face from his hands.

I whimpered a little and he shot me a seething look.

“Shut up and sort yourself out. I don't want to have to tell you again. Don't look so surprised. We've known each other for how long? You've been nothing but a fucking pain in my ass. It was bound to happen.” The laughter erupted as he made his way to leave.

“Clean this place up too. I don't want anyone to know I live in such filth.”

***

I don’t know why, of all the memories that could have come to mind right now, my brain had conjured that one.

Maybe because my fight with Spencer was still at the forefront of my mind, the fight started by the small porcelain Tinkerbell.

The small porcelain Tinkerbell that had once been the centerpiece of my beautiful music box.

It had been almost two weeks since the night I went out with the girls and ended up in bed with Spencer.

Stella had been wracked with fear when I’d dragged my sorry ass back to her apartment afterwards. She made me promise if I ever did something like that again to at least let her know where I was.

It felt overbearing but in a nice way. It was nice to know someone cared.

I’d learnt a long time ago Stella had no boundaries, so when she walked in on me changing a little while after I got home that night I wasn’t surprised.

But she was.

“Oh for the love of god, Kitten!” She groaned and I knew exactly what she meant.

“It’s uh…not what it looks like?” I pulled my shorts up to cover my bruised ass and gave her a pathetic shrug.

“I know exactly who those handprints belong to. You went to see Pony? You had sex with Pony?”

“Maybe.” I shrugged again. “It wasn’t…I don’t think it was my intention.”

“You’re really using him for sex now Y/N? He doesn’t deserve that! I know he was an asshole but he doesn’t deserve to be used like that.”

“I know.” I hung my head, feeling ashamed.

It wasn’t a surprise that Spencer stopped trying to get in touch after that night. He’d stopped calling. He’d stopped texting. He’d stopped showing up at Stella’s apartment begging her to speak to me.

It was no big shock. I’d used him. I’d needed the kind of comfort only he could give me so I’d fallen into bed with. And then I left. Just like that. No questions asked. No turning back.

But he’d used me too. He’d been using me this whole time.

I saw it now, it was as clear as day. I hated myself for not seeing it sooner. He didn’t really love me, he might have thought he did, but he didn’t. It was like a thick mist had finally cleared from my brain and I was able to see properly for the first time since I’d met him.

I was nothing more than a replacement for Maeve.

And that was the only reason I could find to fathom how I’d ended up here.

My hands were shaking as I clutched them together, bracing myself against a sharp chill.

I took a few calming breaths as I looked up at the sign above the building one last time before entering the building.

DC Central Detention Facility.

///

I’d made a promise to myself the morning after Y/N came to the apartment. I’d promised myself I was not going to chase her anymore. I was not going to keep begging her to come home.

She needed to want to come home. I didn’t want to pressure her into it. But that was only half of it.

The other reason I’d made this decision was because quite frankly, I felt like a complete idiot.

That night I’d actually thought she was coming home. I thought she wanted us to sort things out so we could move past it.

But she’d only wanted sex. She used me for sex and then left again. And I felt like a fool.

So I wasn’t going to keep chasing her. If she wanted to come back she knew where to find me. But with each passing day I was more and more sure she wouldn’t be coming home.

I wish she’d just tell me. If she wasn’t planning on coming home I wanted to know so I could stop pining and try and figure out how my life worked with her gone. If she was done, I needed her to let me go. I needed her to set me free.

Because until she did, I would keep clinging to the small hope she may come back to me.

Our relationship was like Schrodinger's Cat in a way and I was too scared to open the box and find out if it was dead or not.

Life was so much simpler when all I cared about was sex. It was easier when I wasn’t capable of these kinds of feelings. My heart had shut itself down to avoid situations such as these.

At this point, I’m sure heartbreak is inevitable. It’s more a case of when it’s going to happen. Not if.

***

“Everything ok, man?” Luke smiled softly at me as he slid into the seat opposite me on the jet.

I thought I was the only one awake but it turns out I had company in that boat.

I closed my book and placed it on the table in front of me.

“What do you think?” I gave him a wry smile.

“You stopped asking about her.”

“Because your answer was always the same. It seemed pointless to keep trying and getting the same result.”

“I know she misses you.”

“Has she said that?”

“No but-“

“Then you don’t know.” I sighed, turning my attention out of the window.

“So that’s it then?” Luke’s voice turned from compassionate to mildly frustrated.

It forced me to look back at him.

“What?”

“You’re just giving up? You’re throwing in the towel?”

“Isn’t that what you did with Stella?” I countered, irritated by his inference.

I saw his nostrils flare.

“That was different. I was a lot younger then.”

“Still, you didn’t try. You didn’t fight for her. The two of you went your separate ways. You didn’t even consider trying long distance.”

“There’s long distance and then there’s long distance, Reid.” He shook his head in frustration. “I was joining the army. I was being shipped overseas.”

“You could have tried. But you didn’t. So please don’t sit here and tell me I didn’t fight for Y/N when you didn’t fight either.” Once again I turned to look out of the window, hoping he would get the point that I didn’t want to be having this conversation.

“I think you’re being an idiot.”

“Completely impossible, I’m a provable genius.”

Luke sighed, clearly sensing he wasn’t going to get anywhere with this conversation.

“Prentiss has given us the weekend off. We’re going to Rossi’s tonight. Kind of a boys night.” Luke stood up but I didn’t shift my attention from the window. “Maybe we’ll see you there.”

“Maybe.” I replied.

Maybe I will go. Maybe it’s just what I need. But I had something I had to do first.

And it couldn’t wait until tomorrow.

///

I was wearing one of his favourite dresses and I’d done my hair and make-up how he liked.

I felt a little sick at the thought of seeing him again. Ok, so I felt very sick. But it was where I was supposed to be.

The bottom line was, Brett Hawthorne was the man I deserved. I didn’t deserve someone like Spencer, he was too good for me and always had been.

I was just a useless, worthless excuse of a woman. Brett kept me in my place.

The guard opened the door opposite where I was sitting at the metal table and I held my breath.

My whole body wracked with fear as he stepped into the room, a large smirk plastered across his face.

“Doll,” he grinned. “I knew you’d come back to me.”

In an instant I reverted all the way back to the terrified, fragile thing I had been under his watchful eye. All the progress I’d made these past months since his arrest completely vanished.

He slid into the chair where his cuffs were attached to the table. The guard stepped aside before leaving the room entirely.

Realistically I knew he couldn’t hurt me. He couldn’t reach me with his hands cuffed but it brought me little comfort.

Why was I here?

“You’ve put on weight.” He spoke again, grimacing a little.

“I-I…yes.” I nodded, playing with my hands on the table.

“See what happens when I’m not around to keep an eye on you? You need me, doll.”

“I…f-feel healthy.” I chewed my lip. My voice was low and croaky the way it always was with him.

“You look terrible.” He scoffed.

I winced a little. Maybe he was right. Had I let myself go? I thought I looked healthy, that’s what Spencer always said anyway.

But Spencer had lied about his feelings for me, so what else was he lying about?

“I’ll w-work on it.”

“You better.”

“I-I’m sorry.” I could barely meet his eyes. My gaze kept shifting down to my hands.

“Just because I’m not around, doesn’t mean you can let yourself go. Have some self respect Y/N.”

“I’m s-sorry.” I repeated.

“Has he gotten you pregnant?” He suddenly growled, leaning forward.

My eyes shot up to him.

“W-what? W-who?”

“Dont play dumb, doll.” He snarled at me. “That pipe cleaner with eyes. He came to see me. Tried to deny he was fucking you but I could see it in his eyes. He’s gotten you pregnant hasn’t he?”

Spencer had been to see him? When? Why?

“N-no.” I shook my head frantically. “Why w-would you t-think that?”

“The last time you gained weight like this was when you were pregnant.”

I sucked the stagnant air in through my teeth.

That felt like a different lifetime ago. Why did he have to bring that up now?

///

I swear my blood turned to ice in the blink of an eye, yet it was like someone turned up the heat.

I pulled at the knot in my tie trying to loosen it as I was suddenly struggling to breathe.

I’d come straight from the jet to the detention center. I knew as soon as I’d left Hawthorne last time I had to see him again. I wasn’t done with that sick bastard. Not by a long shot.

The guard told me someone was already visiting with him but I could wait. So I did. And my FBI credentials got me into the viewing room.

I wish they hadn’t now.

Y/N was the last person I expected to see in that room with him. And they were having the last conversation I’d ever expected to hear.

Why was I always discovering women’s pregnancies in prisons?

I thought she had told me everything, but I guess she hadn’t. Because she had never once mentioned being pregnant or having a child.

If she even had a child. I was too busy wrapped up in my own head to hear the conversation anymore.

My head was whirring. Was it possible that Y/N was pregnant with my child? Of course it was possible, we never used protection. She was on the pill though. Wasn’t she?

Wasn’t she?

I started pacing back and forth in the small room, wracking my brain. I’m sure she’d told me she was on the pill. I was sure of it. But the more I thought about it, the more I doubted my own memory.

I didn’t know what to focus on first, the fact that she could be pregnant with my child now or the fact she’d been pregnant with his.

Both thoughts fought for dominance in my mind. I felt like I was on the verge of a complete mental breakdown.

I groaned loudly and in frustration I slammed my hands on the glass separating me from them.

///

“The last time you gained weight like this was when you were pregnant.”

“P-please.” I sucked the air in through my teeth. “I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Why not, doll?” He grinned at me

“Y-you know why.”

“I didn’t ask for you to get pregnant now did I? Stop acting like everything's my fault.”

I didn’t know what to say to that so I simply nodded. It was always easier that way.

“You would have been a terrible mother.” He scoffed and I winced.

But again I just nodded.

“So tell me, doll, are you pregnant with that shit head’s child?”

I opened my mouth to speak but before any words could come out a loud bang on the glass startled us both.

I spun in my chair with a yelp, hands shaking at the sudden noise.

“W-what was that?” I croaked, staring at the two way mirror.

“Never mind that. Look at me.” He commanded.

I did as he said but I was still rattled from the noise, my breathing slightly heightened.

“I said, are you pregnant, doll?”

I swallowed my fear and my nerves before I spoke.

“P-please stop c-calling me that.” I stuttered, not as confident as I would have liked.

“But it’s so fitting for you, doll.” He smirked wildly.

I opened my mouth to argue but thought better of it so I closed it again.

Just as my nerves were calming down from the noise the door suddenly flung open, causing me to yelp again.

“She said stop calling her that, asshole.” Spencer practically flew into the room and it was hard to say who was more surprised, me or Brett.

“Spencer!” I had never been happier to see him. My knight in a pressed suit.

“Come on Dahlia, we’re leaving.” He motioned for me to get up from the table which I did gladly, scuttling over to his side.

“Dahlia, how beautiful.” Brett teased. “She’s not going anywhere.” He tried to stand but his hands cuffed to the table wouldn’t allow him to and he was yanked back down.

“She most certainly is.”

“She will never belong to you pipe cleaner. I told you that already.”

I frowned looking up at Spencer.

“You’ve been here before?” I suddenly remembered what Brett said earlier.

“He didn’t tell you.” Brett laughed maniacally. “You two will never last.”

Suddenly Spencer pushed past me and slammed his hands on the table in front of Brett.

That’s when I realised what the noise was. Spencer had been watching and he slammed his hand on the two way mirror.

“Listen here you absolutely piece of shit,” he growled at Brett. “Mine and Y/N’s relationship is none of your concern. You’re locked in a prison cell, what are you going to do? You’re going to die here just as you deserve. And you will never see either one of us ever again.”

He stood back up to his full height and rushed towards me, grabbing hold of my hand.

“Let’s go. I’m not wasting anymore time on this son of a bitch.”

He dragged me to the still open door but just as he was about to close it behind us I spoke up.

“Spencer is a hundred times the man you’ll ever be. In every way. And he knows how to make me come.” And with that I slammed the door, leaving Brett reeling.

///

I was proud at Y/N for speaking up for herself but it didn’t take away how angry I was.

As soon as we were in the parking lot she threw her arms around my neck.

“Spencer, I’m so glad you were here.” She nestled into me but I kept my hands at my sides.

“Are you pregnant?” Was the first thought that found its way to the surface.

She let go of me and stepped back so she could look at me.

“No.” She shook her head. “No I’m not.”

“But you were once. With his child.”

She chewed her lip and played with her hands.

“I was, yes.”

“What happened to honesty Y/N? You were always supposed to be honest with me.”

“I d-don’t like to think about it, let alone talk about it.”

“What happened? I mean I assume that asshole caused you to lose the baby.”

“N-no.” She shook her head and I heard tears in her voice. “We h-had the baby.”

Once again my blood ran cold. What was she saying?

“Explain. Please.” I clenched my jaw, unable to form more than a few words.

Her eyes were watering and her lip quivered.

“He didn’t want a child. I was only twenty four, I probably wasn’t ready to be a mom. We gave her up for adoption when she was born.”

“You mean he made you give her up for adoption?” I raised an eyebrow at her.

“No.” She shook head. “I mean, yes, I guess? I wouldn’t have been a good mother. He knew that. He did it for both of us.”

“Oh my god!” I raised my voice out of nowhere. “Would you listen to yourself right now Y/N? Nothing he has ever done has been for you. I thought you were seeing that now. I thought you were seeing what he was really like?”

She winced a little, backing away from me.

But I didn’t stop.

“He beat you and belittled you every chance he got. He made you give up your baby but yet you stayed with him. You stayed with a man who made your life hell and I can kind of understand that in those situations, leaving is easier said than done. But you came back. You came running back to see him in here the moment my back was turned. If I hadn’t walked in when I did you would have fallen back into his arms. Y/N he is a domestic abuser. He is a rapist, a murderer! Yet here you are falling head over heels for him again. I thought you were better! I thought we passed this!”

She was practically cowering now but I didn’t seem to care. I was far too angry to care.

“I-I don’t know what to say S-Spencer.” She sniffed, a few tears rolling down her cheeks.

“Don’t say anything. I don’t want to hear it anyway. I can’t keep doing this Y/N. If you’re not getting better, I don’t know if I can help you anymore.”

“I wasn’t falling back into his arms. I was…I don’t know. I just needed to see him.”

“No Y/N, you didn’t.”

The anger I had coursing through me in that moment made me feel sick. The thought of her and Brett’s child out there somewhere in the world made me feel sick.

Right then, looking at her made me feel sick.

“You don’t understand.” She sniffed.

She looked sad and scared and normally I would do anything in my power to stop her feeling that way. But this time I didn’t want to.

“No I don’t. And I never will.” I glanced at my watch, realising if I didn’t leave soon there would be little point in me going to Rossi’s.

And after tonight I definitely needed a drink.

“I have to go, I’m supposed to be somewhere.”

“Of course, can’t keep the lady waiting, right?” She scowled at me, her previous fear being replaced by a sliver of confidence.

“Don’t start that again.” I clenched my jaw. “You know that’s not where I’m going.”

“Yeah well, I’m starting to think I don’t know you as well as I thought I did. If you want to sleep around Spencer, be my guest. I don’t care anymore.” And with that she turned on her heels and started towards her car.

I watched her go, unable to form any useful words to say.

What was that supposed to mean? Had she just broken up with me? Were things over?

But I feared that in reality, things had probably been over before they’d ever really had a chance to begin. She’d never really been mine and she never would be.

As much as it killed me to admit it, Brett was right. She belonged to him and always would.

///

I don’t know how but I managed to stem my tears until I got back to Stella’s. The second I was inside the apartment with the door closed behind me, I collapsed on the floor in floods of tears.

“Kitten?” Stella jumped up from where she’d been reading a magazine on the couch and darted over to me, followed closely by Cara.

Stella slid down to the floor and wrapped her arm around my shoulder while Cara nudged my arm with her wet nose.

“What happened? What’s wrong?”

“Brett…prison…and Spencer…he knows…about her…hates me…hates me…” I was hyperventilating, unable to get more than a few words out at a time.

I knew Stella had no idea what I was talking about but she rocked me back and forth and stroked my back while making soothing sounds.

I don’t know how but the next thing I knew I was in a warm bath while Stella knelt next to me, leaning over the tub stroking my hair.

I don’t know how I got here. I don’t know when I’d gotten here. It was as though I’d blacked out somewhere between the front door and here.

But I supposed it didn’t matter how I got here. The warm water caressed my skin and it felt somewhat soothing.

Stella washed my hair, using a measuring jug filled with water to rinse the suds from my head.

She didn’t say much, I think she knew I wouldn’t be able to respond anyway.

I stared at the wall the whole time while she took care of me and once she was done she helped me out of the tub and dried me off.

She helped me dress in a pair of my cotton shorts and a tank top and helped me into bed.

She draped the sheets over me and laid down next to me on top of the covers. Cara curled up and rested her chin on my thigh.

Stella reached over and wiped a strand of my damp hair back from my face.

“I’m going to kill him.” She mumbled under her breath but I heard her. And I knew who she was talking about. “I will actually kill Pony for making you feel this way.”

I shook my head pathetically.

“He’s your…best friend.” My voice was breathy as though I’d just run a marathon.

“I don’t care. He does not have the right to make you feel this way. I will rip him a new asshole for this.”

I tried to argue with her but my eyes were already fluttering closed. I couldn’t bring myself to fight her on this.

Honestly, I was done fighting. It was taking too much out of me.

Mine and Brett’s fights were always one sided, I didn’t fight back. Fighting back was a completely new thing to me.

Why did I never fight back with him but I did with Spencer? That had to mean something right?

What I didn’t realise then was that it did indeed mean something. Fighting was passionate. It meant I cared.

Maybe I’d realise that before it was too late. Maybe I wouldn’t.

///

When I arrived at Rossi’s I felt like I’d just walked into an intervention. Because it wasn’t just Rossi, Luke and Matt who were in attendance; they’d been joined by Morgan, Hotch and even Will.

They were sitting in Rossi’s garden, each with a glass of scotch and cigars. Everyone looked at me when I joined them and I could see on their faces that they all had something to say.

“Pretty boy,” Morgan greeted me with a large smile and stood so he could pull me into a hug.

I said my hellos to Hotch and Will and the others before Rossi handed me a scotch.

“Not that it isn’t nice to see you.” I directed towards Morgan and Hotch. “But I know you’re not just here for a drink. So please, someone tell me what’s going on.”

I took a sip of my scotch, looking around the guilty faces. To be honest, I had a good idea of what this was about, I just wanted to hear someone say it.

“We heard you’ve met someone.” Hotch was the brave one that bit the metaphorical bullet.

“Makes a change for you to be dating, Reid.” Morgan added.

“Let me guess,” I sighed. “Alvez has filled you all in on how I’m apparently being a complete moron and fucking everything up?”

They all exchanged looks with one another, clearly trying to subconsciously decide who was going to answer that one.

Luke drew the short straw.

“I’m worried about you. I’m worried about Y/N too. I’ve never seen you happier than when the two of you are together. I just don’t want you to do something you’ll regret.” He gave me a sympathetic smile.

“You’ve been through a lot, Spencer. I know Jennifer worries about you.” Will added.

“We all worry about you. What happened with Maeve was beyond terrible and it’s understandable that you reacted the way you did. But if you’ve finally found someone that makes your heart beat again, you need to hold onto her.” Morgan spoke again.

“Kid, she’s a great girl. An amazing girl.” Rossi told me as if I didn’t already know that.

“I’m aware.” I sighed, taking a large sip of scotch.

“We just want you to be happy, Reid.” Matt concluded.

I sighed again, louder than before, pushing myself up from my chair I’d only just sat down in.

“As much as I appreciate a good intervention, I really don’t think you guys are the best people to be judging me.” I glared at each of them one at a time. “Rossi, you’re on your fourth marriage to your third ex-wife. Morgan, although you may be Mr Family Man now, you fucked around for years. Hotch, your wife left you because you spent too much time at the office. Luke is fucking my ex-submissive and Will, your wife has issues of her own. Matt you’re married and you and Kristy have been on cloud nine since you were practically kids. You’re the only one here that has any right to talk to me about love, but I’m not you and I have serious trauma and love doesn’t come as easily for me. So would you all just…stop.”

I took a deep breath after my rant and collapsed back into my chair.

They all stayed silent for a moment or two, soaking in my words. I hadn’t meant to be harsh but I felt like I was being ganged up on. And I was already in a foul mood so this wasn’t helping.

There were a lot of looks exchanged between them before Rossi downed his scotch and spoke.

“The kid’s right.” He shrugged. “Our collective love lives play out like a bad soap opera.”

“We’re just concerned, Reid.” Luke gave me a soft smile.

“Thank you guys, but I’m fine. It’s fine. Everything is under control.”

But of course it wasn’t. And as if right on cue, Rossi’s back door flung open and she stormed past everyone else straight for me.

She grabbed me by my shirt collar and pulled me to my feet.

Stella glared at me, anger seeping from her every pore.

“What the fuck did you do now?”

—————————————————————

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