themikeymonster

[themikeymonster]

your man thinks onions should be incarcerated for 5-10 years

[themikeymonster]

[themikeymonster]

the worst part about cardio is the laundry

[themikeymonster]

wdym an average platonic bond cant be deep and meaningful do none of you remember the power of friendship

[themikeymonster]

the scariest thing about old tv isnt really the racism or the sexisim because you kinda go in braced for that it's all the scenes where suddenly an actress is holding a lion cub or a chimpanzee is in the same room as a toddler, or suddenly theres a lion, or there's a chimpanzee again but it's driving a car, or holding a lighter, or holding fireworks. You just kind of watch in horror as over and over an actress performs with only 1960s tv film shootings best animal handling between her and the opening to Nope.

[themikeymonster]

my blog is a safe space for me. the rest of you are in danger i think

[themikeymonster]

Awww shit yall know what it is

[themikeymonster]

letting hannibal lecter cook for me but don’t worry he can only use ingredients already in my house

[themikeymonster]

Imagine if you ran a towing service and someone called you like "hey I drove into a ditch and I hate it here, shouldn't have done that, this shit sucks", and goes on to lament about how they should've gotten different tyres, describing in vivid detail exactly how it happened and how they should have done all these things differently so they wouldn't have ended up in this ditch because being in this ditch sucks so bad and they hate being in it.

And when you're like "okay alright, let me know where you're at so I can tell you roughly how long it's going to take for me to get there with the truck", they go "ooh no no no no don't send anyone, I don't want anyone to pull me out or anything. I just wanted to let someone know that I hate it here."

And that's roughly how it feels like to be a solution-person when someone just wants to vent.

[themikeymonster]

I imagine that OG! SQH would despise Airplane with his every being. I imagine even though OG actively worked with demons, he still found them disgusting; just a tool for his advancement. So SQH's genuine relationship with MBJ disgusts him beyond belief, a mockery to himself.

That last burst of adrenaline when your life is in danger, which bravely causes you to do or say something incredibly stupid.

#svsss #NOOOOOO WHY IS MBJ BREASTING BOOBILY THRU A PORTAL #i glanced at the black blob and couldnt figure it out until thr INSTANT i hit reblog

[themikeymonster]

#uhhhhhhh wrong #the plants that survived past dinosaurs are the wolves of the plant kingdom #we now have several plants in modern days that are the English bulldog of the plant world #but funny tweet any way 🫡

[themikeymonster]

[themikeymonster]

you ever get a comment that makes you want to reread your fic ?? it’s like ‘dang u liked it that much?? lemme go look’

[themikeymonster]

My god my girlies

MY GIRLIES. I am still crying, I am still crying about this. Every day I cry about this.

You bitched so hard about being forced to read 1984 in school when it’s so problematic (tm)

Maybe you should have actually paid attention when you read it

Because all these AI fics

You are LITERALLY MAKING THE GARBAGE NOVELS FROM 1984 that are written by machines

You have literally recreated the worthless soulless machine-made books

Literally,

Literally. Every once in a while it hits me in a fresh wave of disbelief and anger. You have literally created the dystopian book from the dystopian story about why dystopia is bad, and you are passing it around like it’s this amazing thing. I’m crying, I’m crying.

[themikeymonster]

Why are you lgbtq+? wrong answers only GO

#bored #I got vaccinated #ken doll arrived too late #Minecraft #tie dye shirts #my parents smoked weed #only girl in the roaming feral child pack

[themikeymonster]

everyone's doomed by the narrative bitch let's get you some fruit

[themikeymonster]

we've been living in this apartment for two months now, and while we've observed most of our new neighbours (my slavic Windowsill Watcher Grandmother gene already activated), I don't think they had the chance to see us often enough to recognise us yet.

I do know, however, from my observations, that the tiny funny dog upstairs is called Gucio. I've passed him once or twice during his walk and heard his owners use the name - and, while both the dog and his owners are oblivious to our existence, Gucio became an apt topic of discussion in our house. you know, we hear barking, ha, that's Gucio, he must be home alone again! or there's a stick left by the building door, that must have been brought by Gucio and he was forced to abandon it before entering! a household name, really.

yesterday as I was leaving to go to the store, walking down the narrow staircase, there he is! tiny funny looking dog, slightly startled by me suddenly appearing on the floor he just reached on his tiny funny looking legs.

"good morning Gucio!" I say joyfully, the most natural thing in the world.

well. remember that Gucio doesn't really know me. so he looks at me in the most flabbergasted way a dog can look at a person. he is positively aghast. agog! not sure how aware dogs are of their own names but he seemed genuinely puzzled at the apparent stretch of social convention.

and as I try to contain my laughter, I see his owner standing on the stairs below. the woman is sort of awkwardly frozen, speechless, and she looks at me.

"you... know each other?" she asks.

is that not the funniest way to phrase it. is this not the funniest question she could have asked. ma'am do you know my dog? you went to school together perhaps? you've met? do tell, are you old friends? maybe you worked together? you know each other, my dog and you? this dog? you know him? he knows you? he never mentioned you I'm afraid