theoddestofhemall

[theoddestofhemall]

I said I was worth more and with every excuse you said I was not. Then in the same breath had the audacity to tell me it was my fault you did the thing that hurt me.....

#mental illness #ptsdwarrior #anxeity #mental health #relationship #wordsofwisdom

[theoddestofhemall]

im still sober. my family hid all the alcohol from me when i was drunk. its hard living. not that life for me has ever really been that easy. but for some reason this time around its practically unbearable. the sentiment that dying is easier is screaming. i wont give up though. i have my family and this tiny dark corner to talk. which helps. i just never thought it would be this hard to maintain my sobriety over my sanity......

#complex ptsd #mental illness #ptsdwarrior #anxeity #c-ptsd #ptsd #ptsdawareness #severe anxiety #mental health #anxitey #sober #soberlife #clean and sober #sober thoughts #sobriety #addiction recovery #tired

[theoddestofhemall]

i fell off the wagon last week. it hurt and was rough. the vodka tasted better than my sobriety at the time. i've been sober since last sunday. worry not fair reader for i have a stellar support network. but transparency is needed and honesty mandatory. thank you for reading.

Addict theory: when you're drunk, you're having fun and nothing matters. when its good its great but that is not true...... that is the lie you tell yourself to live with what ever damage occurs while under the influence.

#complex ptsd #mental illness #ptsdwarrior #anxeity #c-ptsd #addiction #recovery is possible #recovery is hard #recovery is worth it

[theoddestofhemall]

lol the irony in this if you have seen Dr Strange and the Multiverse of Madness. America Chavez may have some concerns that is wrote this before....

how would you feel if you found out that there are alternate realities out there, and in those realities you do not exist. that the one you are in now is the only one where you do. this is the one where you were strong enough to beat your hell and survive. but the other ones the hell beat you…………………….

#mulitiverse #dr strange #dr strange and the multiverse of madness #america chavez

[theoddestofhemall]

what hurts the most........

Dear step dad,

this will be the first christmas with out you lurking behind the scenes. i know our time together was never perfect. i know i never grew up to be something that makes you proud, i want you to know i regret that. that i let the trauma dictate what i could become despite the fact that i am smart enough to be more. i wish so much that things could have been different. that we could have had the life where those things worked out and i went on to make you proud. i know i am not mentioning mother, and if that makes you upset i am sorry. but like she does she has not even attempted to make sure im dealing with this ok. she just assumes i dont care. because its you. and she thinks i hated you. but i dont, i didnt. i dont think i could. so many of the bad things were put in motion by past acts committed against me that just jaded my young mind so badly it spilled out on you. what hurts the most was knowing i was trying to love you, but every time i tried to show it it just rotted. and now its too late and the only way i can talk to you freely is on here where no one who knows me reads the things i write. i took for granted the time i thought we could have had. i should have just said i was sorry. but i was always afraid to bring up the past, not wanting it to spill so toxically all over the little ones and him. you loved all of them and for that i will be eternally grateful. they are mine and part of me. but you did not hold that against them lol. i have a memory from facebook saved to my photos. its when you told me i could handle the cookie baking for the holiday season three years ago. you didnt have to but you did. we were not friends for some reason but i know you were in the back ground always. helping and being the best pawpaw you could given the distance. well this has gotten long and dramatic so im going to sign off. just know i miss you and am sorry for everything. i know anyone who happens to read this probably wont get it. but its ok they dont have to. because i have to get things out so they dont try to kill me........

love the broken daughter who wishes she would have tried harder.........

#dear dad #c-ptsd #anxeity #ptsdwarrior #mental illness #complex ptsd #deardeath #daughter #family #regret #sorry for your loss #triggering content #mentally fucked #silenttruth #letterstoheaven

[theoddestofhemall]

in the time I have dealt with the issues going on behind the scenes of my own brain I would say the hardest lesson I ever had to learn was that of forgiveness. I always thought that if I forgave someone who had wronged me or hurt me, that well I was excusing them for all of the trauma inflicted. but the reality is that I'm not. forgiveness is not for the forgiven its for the one hurt. one of the ways you let go of your trauma and pain is to forgive the ones that hurt you. holding on to it only feeds that demon living in you. see it wants you angry, it wants you scared, it wants you to think that they will come back one day and do it again. it needs you to feel that way or else how will it control you? how else will it put you in that dark dank cage it keeps you in day in and day out. and tbh its absolutely freeing to know that your part in that bargain is over. what ever misery lies in the existence for those who inflicted the pain on you well that is on them. one day will they ask you probably not, one of mine died on that hill and there is no do overs where he went. and with my luck im probably going to end up there too. but i will know when i do that i went forgiving those who had hurt me. i refuse to live with the guilt of acts committed against me by other people its an unneeded weight that i can cast off when i wish. not a bad sentiment when you think about it.

#mentally ill #mental heath support #mentally unstable #mental instability #mental health #mental illness #anxitey #anxeity #severe anxiety #ptsd vent #ptsdsupport #ptsdsurvivor #living with ptsd #ptsdwarrior #complex ptsd #ptsd #ptsdawareness #bipolar #bipolar disorder

[theoddestofhemall]

I had a nightmare last night. I was trapped somewhere and could not get out. I could see everyone I cared about in horrible pain, sadness enmeshed their very being. But there was a barrier between us. I banged and banged on it and no one even looked my way I started to panic i wanted to comfort them but could not cause I was stuck. I began to scream in hopes they would hear me but no one did. So I fell to my knees, head down, hair in my face i cried harder than I ever had before. I look up at the barrier and realize I am not trapped but staring at the reflection of my madness...............

#complex ptsd #c-ptsd #mental illness #mental health #anxeity #ptsdwarrior #ptsdawareness #severe anxiety

[theoddestofhemall]

imagine knowing exactly how this feels. being beat down physically and mentally all your life until the only way you feel normal is accepting you are ordinary........

#mental health #mental illness #mental instability #mentally ill #mentally unstable #bipolar disorder #ptsd #complex ptsd #ptsdsurvivor #C-PTSD #ptsdawareness #severe anxiety #anxeity

[theoddestofhemall]

sometimes i write my feelings this is an example...

its getting to be sink or swim time again. im falling into the whirlpool, its dragging me in that circle. the circle that brings up those things i buried. if i am pulled down it will unearth the monsters, bring in the ghosts, and unleash the demon. i can handle the monsters, i can send away the ghosts. what i can not do is defeat the demon. when it is unleashed it controls my every thought. takes away reason and makes it crazy. it leaves it on the ground bleeding with no way to convince me to step back. the ledge becomes inviting. im holding on by a thread right now. my fingertips bleed as the grasp as hard as they can this feeling of hope. its small and easily broken. im trying i promise. i just have to get it out of me and put it elsewhere. elsewhere is here. this dimension of holding...........

#mental health #mental illness #mental instability #mentally ill #severe anxiety #anxeity #anxitey #therapy is important #ptsd #complex ptsd #C-PTSD #ptsdawareness #ptsdwarrior #ptsdsurvivor

[theoddestofhemall]

triggers

is there a sound that when you hear it, it seems to echo inside your head at a level that seems not normal? for me it the sound of the faucet in the kitchen sink. i know its linked to my trauma from way back. but its odd, to be standing at your kitchen sink and all of the sudden the sound of the water falling from the spout is deafening. you notice it and look for the sound that seems like a roar only to realize the water is now coming out in slow motion. the swirl of it in the bottom of the sink to the drain is hypnotizing you. if i dont catch myself it will send me down the portal to a flash back i hate. yes i have processed it but it does not take away from the fact that memory is one i hate reliving. so yeah imagine your kitchen sink is trigger for bad shit. makes doing the dishes fun, and complicated at the same time. 

#ptsd #complex ptsd #C-PTSD #ptsdawareness #ptsdwarrior #mental health #mental illness #mental instability #mentally ill #mentally unstable #severe anxiety #anxeity #anxitey #therapy is important #bipolar disorder

[theoddestofhemall]

i hate that my anxiety makes me think im garbage. that the people who tell me im not are just saying that because they have to. i hate that i still have days that tell me i could try but why bother cause you will just fail. i know the strong say failure is not an option but what if there were a couple of instances where we could make it one. just want to think its ok to not is all....... 

#mental health #mental illness #mental instability #mentally ill #mentally unstable #severe anxiety #anxeity #anxitey #therapy is important #ptsd #complex ptsd #C-PTSD #ptsdawareness #ptsdwarrior #bipolar disorder #agoraphobia #bipolar

[theoddestofhemall]

the biggest problem with childhood trauma is that it leaves you with a sense in adulthood that you can not trust any one. that is one of the reasons in adulthood we subconsciously choose people to hurt us. we don’t know any better. we don’t realize it was never us that was broken. 

#trauma #childhood trauma #ptsd #c-ptsd #ptsdwarrior #ptsd vent #anxitey #severe anxiety #bipolar #still broken but still good

[theoddestofhemall]

i am 40 years old. in my life i have dealt with bipolar disorder, complex ptsd, severe anxiety, agoraphobia, and disassociative identitiy disorder. i have been on the medication train since i was 14. i have been on many different kinds. not a game im fond of medication roulette. nothing says ruin the party like side effects that make you throw up for two days straight. now i have been some what stable for over a year now. no black outs, no panic attacks i can not come back from by using my calming skills. now i have had some flash backs but that is related to someone else and i got through them with little incident using my grounding techinques i learned in therapy. which i had been in and out of for a good 20+ years. i used to think that therapy was useless. that meds were for the weak. but when you have had to stare down these demons, i think what needs to be said is that these are the weapons used to slay them. your therapist is the wise mage there to teach you the right spells to silence them. your medicine is the potions keeping from falling and not being able to get up. the tools that the therapists teach you are your sword, and your sheild is the will to fight them. it is a fight to the death and no one knows who will win. but its up to you to fight. you can win. you can get better. you just can not give up. never lay down your sword weary traveler.

#complex ptsd #severe anxiety #depression #disassociative identity disorder #bipolar disorder #agoraphobia #mental instability #mentally ill #mental health #mental heath support #meds are good for you #therapy is important

[theoddestofhemall]

Imagine if you were standing in a room full of people, and screaming as loud as you can that you are sad. Does anyone hear you? Do they turn in your direction to acknowledge your pain? Does their face register that someone in the room has screamed so loudly? Will you keep screaming? Will you close your mouth and keep silent from here on out?

#complex ptsd #living with ptsd #mental illness #my childhood #nightmare #ptsdsupport #ptsdwarrior #trauma #anxeity #depression

[theoddestofhemall]

anxiety is a bad relationship with yourself, i dont mean just one where you don't get along. i mean the kind where they don't want you to talk to any one so you start isolating away from people who will encourage you. the kind where no matter who tells you that you are worth it, you dont believe it. the kind that talks bad about you in whispers to other people because they know what it does to your self esteem. the kind that makes you fear the silence because that is when they scream the loudest. the kind that takes everything you love and turns it to garbage......... that is toxic and when you are in a relationship like that the best thing you can do for yourself is get out and get help. that is the advice we give people in those types of situations. so im telling you now if this is the kind of relationship you have with yourself get out now. you deserve better because you are worth all the things that sparkle and glow in this world...............

#complex ptsd #living with ptsd #mental illness #my childhood #nightmare #ptsdsupport #ptsdwarrior #trauma

[theoddestofhemall]

This song describes how i feel when i fight the voices telling me to break. The line "it takes an ocean not to break." I get that. This whole thing all of it. I try so hard, im sinking though. No one knows except for you that find this. I am ashamed to admit it may be happening again. Because " its a terrible love and im walking with spiders." I am trying, i will not give up. I just need to get it out.

#complex ptsd #living with ptsd #mental illness #my childhood #nightmare #ptsdsupport #ptsdwarrior #trauma #anxeity #Spotify

[theoddestofhemall]

the demons in your brain come knocking mostly when you least expect it. they come with woeful tidings. they will bang on the door to your sanity. they will huff and puff and surely they will blow that which was better completely in. hold fast to the door. do not let up for no matter how much that howling wind blows whethr or not the walls cave is utterly up to you. one may fall, maybe even three if you have the strength to keep that one up you are doing then the best one can with such an impossible situation......

#complex ptsd #living with ptsd #mental illness #my childhood #ptsdsupport #nightmare #ptsdwarrior #trauma