I get upset over how things ended between us. I did my typical pretend like you don't exist and never speak to you again. And a part of me is grateful I never spoke to you again, but I’m also upset that I never spoke to you again
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“Oh Honey, your just scared”
..Honey
...I’m terrified
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He’s back in the United States
I feel..half of me wants to throw up as I feel the anxiety rising up my body while the other half won't let it....like I stopped and stared at the phone, at his picture, but I no longer feel like the girl who is scared of him anymore. I used to think that if I ever did have this moment of feeling not scared of him, it would be this victory, this hurrah moment..but it’s not. It’s a...I want to throw up, but I am still standing.
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I’m just as scared as being seen as I am being unseen.
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Is it weird that I’m scared to get better?
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Oh no
The thoughts are invading
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“your not just a number”
Remember that when I am no longer your number one...
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I thought that if I convinced myself to forget, I would actually forget
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Wow...it actually was never me
.....it was you, it was all you
you broke me down and teared me apart and made me believe that this feeling
this feeling of utter disgust and self hate was due to my softness...I’m too soft, too kind, too caring...too weak
I was the problem, right? that's why you so badly wanted to help me, toughen me up...
yea...
Fuck you
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I try my best to do the best that I can, but that's never enough for me
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