āI want to have your abortionā
I get it now
This feeling
This incapacity to leave
The compulsion to obey
I will be whatever you want
I donāt need a reason
I have a thousand in every moment
In every way you look at me
You can destroy me
I will take it
Iām on my knees for you
Place your hands on me
I will take the weight of your past
Your sorrow
Your emptiness
Your hate
I will be what you need
Give it all to me
I can take it
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You make the nightmares
Less real
Your hands are strong and I need them inside me
This is becoming
Something I crave
Every hour
Every day
You belong
In my every moment
I try to see my life without you
And it is painful to breathe
I look into your eyes
And thereās answers to all my doubts
This is dangerous I know
To become so
Enamored
Entrenched
In someone elseās
Words
Smile
Skin
I refuse to live without you
I will spend my minutes pressing my lips to your flesh
Worshipping you
The best way I know how
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āWhen you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to begin as soon as possibleā
ā āWhen Harry met Sallyā
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The nightmares havenāt stopped
But you somehow wake up
And hold me
And tell me everything is going to be ok
Itās nice
But
Iād rather not be touched
The guilt and the shame still live in my bones
They are buried too deep to sunder
Is your love temporary?
Thereās a price
I just wish I knew what it was
Before I decide
I can be happy
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Iāve never had anyone tell me
They loved me
So many times
Itās getting to my head
I can get used to this
You worship my body with words and hands
Itās surreal
How dedicated we are to fucking each other
I will take all parts of you
Into me
And always crave more
You are every dream Iāve ever had
You hold me and I feel
Loved
Wanted
Satisfied
I have never had anyone
Be so convincing of their desire
For me
You intoxicate me everyday
With your words
Letās run away together
Leave our struggles behind
Letās run naked through the wilderness
Letās have sex under the stars
Letās live everyday
Like itās our last
Letās love each other
Until we die
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Is this what it is
To be so devastated by want
To have someone fit into
Your empty spaces
So beautifully
Your voice
Your laugh
The way you run your hands all over me
What would I do without you
It scares me
This pull
This attraction
How much I love talking to you
Kissing you
Playing board games with you
You fit me
Like no one ever has
And it terrifies me
That I can feel such weakness
That I have gained so much
It would be so painful
A loss
I canāt contemplate
Being
Without you
How would I exist
Your whispered affections against my skin
Are what make me
A real person
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I wanted and I wanted and I wanted
And I got it
You seem to desire me in every breath every moment
As I wait to find the truth in you
You do not waiver
I should have asked for a million dollars
This is me asking
I want to not just be ok
To feel ok
Thriving
Able to adventure to other countries
Without worry
I want you with me
Every step of the way
I want to try a thousand dishes in a thousand cities
And make love in a thousand hotel rooms
I want everything
With you
I want you to devour me in expensive sheets
And when I feel
Your finger in my mouth
And you looking down on me
Only then
Will I will feel
Appeased
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We have that kind of destruction inside us
Weāre harboring that kind of love that
Rips and burns and gnashes with teeth
The kind that is filled with obsession
And never ends well
If this doesnāt end well
We will have both shattered
A part of our humanity
We thought
Dead
We will have raised
The impossible
The tender aching lonely shy bits
Fed them
Watered them
Let them believe they were alive
Then tear them
Limb from bleeding limb
Pretend
We never felt anything so sublime
In our short and sad lives
If this doesnāt end well
I will never again
Submit myself
To someoneās hands
So completely
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Tie me up
Control me
Hurt me
I will thrive
Stick your fingers down my throat
And tell me
Keep me
Guessing
What you will do next
Place your palms against my skin and then strike
I will breathe for you
I will pant for you
I will open for you
I will swallow you like a dream I could never touch
Spit on me
I like it
Turn me into someone pathetic
Make it hurt
Make it real
So
I can feel
alive
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Itās getting to that place
I thought I would never be again
If you leave me I donāt think I want to live
I have dug myself deeper with each word
Each touch
And now you are everything
And itās painful
To contemplate
Thereās no one else
Thereās nothing else
You are the only one that sees me
You are the only one I see
I cannot lose you
I refuse to bear it
I will love you until my mind is no longer mine
Until my skin no longer wants
Until my hands no longer force feelings onto blank pages
Until my name is nothing
But dust in dead mouths
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The sorrow and the high fluctuated through the night
You grab my face with both hands
And tell me
Things I have no right knowing
But they calm my panic
And I slip back into the haze of another reality
Where my friends arenāt recognized
And I ask you not to touch me
I dance until I have no breath
And find myself on the asphalt
Who are our enemies
Not the half pill under my tongue
Not your past that strangles my love
No
Who hurts us
Just us
Just
Us
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You are more than the wishes
Buried in my heart
You are the warmth in my bed
The name on my lips
You are unshakable
In your belief in me
I donāt deserve it
But Iāll hold it in my palms and whisper promises
You are the quiet in my head
The fire in my flesh
You are more than words
You are a gift I canāt afford
My desperate hands will grip
This treasure
Until they no longer fear
Or shake
Or bleed
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Itās just me spinning out of my head again
I feel you
Itās comforting
Your voice is reassuring
My insides are broken
Splintering
Bitter
Things
I try so hard to make them
Resemble
Strength
I forgive you nothing
Even if you had done anything
You wouldnāt hurt me
Purposely
Never
I am the mean one
I am the selfish one
I am more likely to destroy beautiful things
Like the way that you love me
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The problem is me
I think you are a liar
I donāt believe anything you tell me
What did you say to her
What is this feeling
Like Iām a joke you both laugh about
Itās at my fingertips
The memory
But the drugs made the night
Unsteady
I donāt know what is real and what was just in my head
Am I causing this
Is this how I destroy myself
And us
Before anyone else can
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My dreams grow dark
They chase me
They are trying to kill me
I play dead
Their hands
Are inside me
I play dead
They donāt stop
What if what plagues me
Is inside
And I will never rid myself of
The suppressed memories
What if
I donāt know how to not be broken
What if pretending Iām ok
Always
Isnāt enough?
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It was a feeling
That crawled between my chest and skin
I love him in a way I canāt describe
He is
Devouring
A hungry mouth that says all the right things
Desperate hands
That hide nothing and want constantly
He looks at me like I am divine
Otherworldly
I have no response
But to drink in his admiration
He wants me
Always
And yet
Something in me
Still
Doubts
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I cough up blood
But I donāt tell you
There are enough worries to spread around
You drink and touch me
So much that I think
Thatās all I am
A warm body to slip into
Some skin to lose yourself in
I used to be
Stronger somehow
More okay with being alone
Little by little I am relying on you
Itās a strange feeling
As well as this jealousy and aggression
Towards anyone who
Looks at you too long
Iām becoming something else
Itās a slow insinuation
Which parts of me are me
And which parts are
trying to be
What you need
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