theunsatisfiednarcissist

[theunsatisfiednarcissist]

I very honestly and genuinely wish morphine induced assisted suicide was a legal treatment for chronic depression and chronic mood disorder. I don't want to find some back alley substitute like Fanta or some bs to just get out. I've mulled over this idea for years

I have had 2 attempts in the beginning months of 2023. Obviously failed. And it's not that I'm like woah is me, my life is awful I am having a tough time so killmeh.

I have been batteling for years I ended up in a hella abusive relationship which caused agoraphobia and ptsd. I live in an abusive dynamic with family. My dad is really sick with a heart condition. I losf a really important family memeber in january. And my relationship with mysister is non-exiatant and toxic. I am and have isolated myself a lot, distancing myself from toxic situations. I've done the work, made goal orientated achievable plans, and smashed them. I went from a full tilt recluse to someone who came back from that, who managed my mood disorder, work full time, and managed my ptsd. Got back into my passions. As one annoying comment was made to me that I need to show up for myself reminded me one yea I said that to a friend apparently. But I show up for myself every God damn day like we all do if we're not ya know a bloody infant in a grown ass human body

And what stumps me is it was supposed to get easier. Happier. That's the sell on recovery and healing

It doesn't. It's heavy and lonely and always stressful. There's never a moment you're not managing normal life and then chronic health and mental health issues and no one has any concept of what that is because people can only operate from what then know and what they can do and I'm cool with that. I'm tired of my psychs telling me I'm good and know what I need to do in times of distress.

I'm content with that, pissed but content

I'm not content with what my life has become because of that. I'm content but exhausted that the requirements of maintaining the only thing that fixed me and keeps me going which sure is not therapy. It's God damned horses. And I can't do it anymore. Im tired of being alone and in a sect of human that is like "this" and also being told well I can't get advice/answers or assistance by anyone. Professional social or familial and being guilted when say I'm exhausted and don't want to live

I'm not being overdramatic and depressed and this is what people struggle with

I'm proud of my accomplishments and of me. I don't hold any anger towards my abuser. I love my friends and family and my life is how I wished it to be.

But I'm alone literally and metaphorically

My value is only on what others can get. I am fragile and expected to be both tough and understanding and compassionate to others but without limit which in experience is unrealistic and not ever reciprocated. That would be insane.

I just want to legally and discretely die. With dignity. Without watching my life burn due to my mental illness. Because that's the nature of a cyclical disorder. It comes back no mater how you manage it it will be back.

I just want to die proud. I want to die with dignity and with my friends and family still holding me in high regard, not seeing me through the lenses of illness. I wish to watch others strive. But I have peaked. I am tired and am overwhelmed. These things normally pass but not with my condition. It's a staple of my experience and I need it to stop

[theunsatisfiednarcissist]

It's funny that sometimes I wish 1 specific person read my anonymous tumblr.

On a different note life is a weird beasty. Just when you're out from under it and feeling yourself. Whack a few trip hazards leading to a ravine then all over again I suppose

[theunsatisfiednarcissist]

Others may have a greater handle on this but I have a limited ability (still pretty decent) to politely set a boundary so many times. Then I'm more then happy for the other person to blow things out of proportion so im problematic one..

okay "Sheryl" the 5 text based im fine just need some time to sort this werent sufficent, oh okay your doing it regardless . Well don't over do it and I appreciate your effort. Oh okay you feel overwhelmed by the tasks i specifically asked you earlier to not worry about.. and you have a different but related task. Well sorry I still need time, im at work on the phones. Oh it's still going after work. I will need some time to organise this. Oh this has continued whilst we are all going to bed. I'll need some time. to sort out a, b and c I'll let you know shortly. Oh now your using others who haven't been aware of my repeated attempts to get a minute to organise the info your requesting.

Yes of course im an ass hole for asking for a reprieve after repeatedly asking politely for the better part of today. Sick ill take myself for a skate in the cold after you've fried my nerves. Hope you had a pleasant day off.

My working day has been fucking stupid

And people wonder why I'm a wreck atm with this little tight rope game ontop everything else

[theunsatisfiednarcissist]

When I open up a little door for how I feel about someone, it seems to always be at the wrong time and too much.

[theunsatisfiednarcissist]

Also reading all of the occassions I used the wrong "your" in my posts is a bit painful. Lol sorry if anyone saw that 🤣🤣

[theunsatisfiednarcissist]

Forgotten moments from 12 years ago. Perfect

[theunsatisfiednarcissist]

It's hard to consolidate my feelings right now, I've been feeling really overwhelmed but also know that I'm very fortunate.

I need help, but people need help rn alot more. So whilst I feel like it's important to express issues troubled feelings. But I am feeling kind of guilty for those feelings. I often say context is important and I can't help considering both my subjective experience and the larger experience of those around me.

Anyway

As I didn't think it's possible or necessary to talk to anyone about my ish rn. I have felt the need to vent somewhere so I fired up the old tumblr as the place to do so

I hope your all safe and well.x

[theunsatisfiednarcissist]

Why am I single?? Men suck eggs

[theunsatisfiednarcissist]

Even when your not feeling worthy of anything. Grab a burrito and be kinder. Your good mate...

Update from last post: Yea I had an awful time and stress kicks of my E.D.

But I kick off my wellness. I am a fire gum, wait for for the bloom

#e.d. #self-care #fuck the noise

[theunsatisfiednarcissist]

When your brain tells you you aren't worth food because it could be used to keep others alive, and you are kidding yourself if you think your worthy of being alive. You have a problem...

I've been here before and it seems I'm back and I didn't even notice it creep up on me.

I think someone seriously fucked it when they thought it was my time to be in a walking meat sack. There is no space or purpose to this existence no matter how hard I work, how hard I try or how good I am. I can feel myself crumbling to dust on the inside but now I know that there is no one who can help or fix it. Not me, doctors, not people I care about. Or those who accidentally are my family because they couldn't stop at 1

Thank you for 30 years of what ever this is fam.

Can I crumble to dust now

[theunsatisfiednarcissist]

[theunsatisfiednarcissist]

[theunsatisfiednarcissist]

[theunsatisfiednarcissist]

[theunsatisfiednarcissist]

I'm not usually an asshole; butt sometimes...

Acceptance isn't something that is easy for me. It's definitely something I have picked up as a skill but I have to work at it. I'm getting better at not lashing out butt I still do it.

Change isn't something I like. When it all gets to much I end up blowing up and acting out. Not always butt enough that it's slightly problematic.

One positive thing though is I've gotten good at cutting people out of my life at the time they should go. It's not always best for me sometimes it's what they need, my expression of angst, upset or heartbreak usually indicates whether the need is theirs or mine. How okay I am with the departure but still. I do it, I've realised grasping on to people leads to like an ongoing pain for both. The other alternative is ripping the bandaid off and letting it rip.

It's just a moment that way.

[theunsatisfiednarcissist]

I swear you get more drunk with a mask on lol

[theunsatisfiednarcissist]

I'm just hella depressed hey