thompsborn - Tumblr blog

thompsborn · 18 days

Text

chapter eleven - it feels like i’m breathing but i’m only half alive

word count: 12,301 (12,267 without chapter lyrics)

total word count: 101,250 (100,918 without chapter lyrics)

chapter song: good company by nick wilson

chapter lyrics:

when i’m falling for the sake of just falling and i open my eyes and i start to see that everybody’s felt the same as me and i realize suddenly that i’m in good company

recap + lines that i felt were important enough to jot down:

gwen shows up at peter’s apartment with a lot of energy and tells peter that she started digging into the things that peter told her about to confirm it all. peter thinks that she probably looks similar to how he does when he’s spiraling into his investigation and goes without sleep for over a day while looking for information. “it’s kind of like looking in a mirror. it’s a little bit scary, actually.”

while digging, gwen decided to make it her mission to find something new about lonnie lincoln because there’s so little to find about him, and she managed to find something. first: lonnie’s middle name is thompson, so his full name is lonnie thompson lincoln. it makes peter think about flash.

second: she found a name connected to lonnie a lot from high school, some guy named joe robertson. robertson and lonnie shared a lot of classes and lonnie is mentioned in joe’s files a bunch for some reason. “lonnie almost fucked up joe’s high school career entirely with his reputation and extortion business, but it looks like they might have been friends of some kind, maybe.” there’s a picture of joe robertson and facts about him that gwen printed out. when peter looks at the picture, he can’t shake the fact that the dude looks familiar. gwen says that he should because robertson’s a journalist. peter says that he feels like he knows the guy, and gwen again says that he should, because robertson currently works as a journalist at the daily bugle.

peter realizes that joe robertson is robbie, a journalist at the bugle who he’s never talked to but who he’s seen plenty of times while dropping off pictures. he finds it both amusing and frustrating that he’s been so close to someone who has a connection to his investigation for months and hasn’t had any idea. he knows he probably wouldn’t have found this information without gwen’s help and he never would have willingly let her get involved if she hadn’t unintentionally found out about it. he asks if she thinks he should talk to robbie and ask about lonnie, and gwen says that’s up to him but to keep her updated over winter break if he does so that she stays in the loop.

that makes peter pause. winter break has been a scary thing getting closer and closer, and now it’s a few days away and he’s not sure why the thought of his friends going home for the holidays - and leaving him alone in the process - is messing with his head so badly. gwen assures him that her and harry won’t be too far and that the three of them have plans for new year’s eve. even though it will suck with harley being so far away in tennessee, peter won’t be spending the whole break alone.

peter swings around as spidey while he lets himself think. he isn’t sure if he wants to talk to robbie, but he decides that, if he does end up talking to robbie, he should do it as spidey. he questions what he would say to robbie, what information he would be trying to get.

he brain betrays him and he ends up thinking about winter break despite actively avoiding thinking about winter break. he stumbles across a bank robbery and goes to stop it but is distracted by his thoughts spiraling with questions about what he’s going to do while his friends are gone, thinking about how despite what gwen said peter is still going to be alone. he knows he was alone for a long time, but then he made friends and he doesn’t really want to be alone again, especially during the holidays. while he’s trying to fight with these distracting thoughts, one of the bank robbers gets in a lucky shot and breaks peter’s nose. he finishes the fight, but when he gets back to his apartment his nose is visibly crooked. he realigns it and hopes that his healing, no longer as slow as before, will fix it in time for his classes.

the next morning, however, the bruising is still visible. peter goes to his english class and tries to duck his head and keep the bruising hidden but harley spots it instantly and asks what happened. he (very gently!) grabs peter by the chin and leans in to look at the bruising with concern. peter is very much struggling to breathe with his crush touching him and being so close to his face.

“they’re close enough that peter can feel his breath on his face, just a light puff of air, barely there but still there.”

harley asks what happened again. peter lies and says he walked into a wall, which harley very obviously doesn’t believe. he tells peter that he’s a bad liar and then lightly prods at the bruise before declaring that he’s pretty sure peter’s nose isn’t broken. peter tries to joke around, saying it wasn’t a very tough wall, but the humor dies quickly when harley says that peter can tell him if he’s in a bad situation or something. peter tries to say there isn’t, but harley cuts in to say “but if there was. i want to be here for you. for anything.”

harry leaves first when winter break starts.

He has a backpack of gifts for his mom that he’s already bought and wrapped, and a duffle bag of clothes that he said he refuses to part with even though his room back at home has enough clothes in it still to last the two weeks he’ll be staying there. Peter rolls his eyes at him and snarks something smart-mouthed about him getting too attached to things, but it backfires on him when Harry just pulls Peter into a hug and says, “No shit, Parker. How do you think we became friends?”

peter hugs him back and says that he doesn’t know since the first time they met harry asked him if he was a prostitute. harry says that he’s apologized a hundred times, and peter says he has about a hundred more to go before he’ll be forgiven. they hug a second time, and then harry hugs gwen and harley before leaving.

for the next hour and a half, gwen harley and peter hang out while harley checks his bags to make sure he has everything. “they talk about nothing, meaningless nothing, but they don’t stop talking. peter doesn’t want a second of silence. he’ll have nothing but silence the second that they’re gone.”

the hour and a half flies by and before they know it, harley’s ride is only a few minutes away. he looks excited to be visiting his mom and his sister, but he also looks sad and apologetic like he doesn’t want to go and like he feels sorry for having to leave. gwen hugs him first, and then harley walks over and hugs peter.

peter thinks about how he went nearly a year with no physical touch outside of combat as spidey, but now he’s hugged all three of his friends more than once. he hugs harley tighter than he did harry and wonders if it’s obvious but harley doesn’t seem to mind.

harley says that peter can still talk to him. peter says that he won’t be here, and harley says “i don’t give a shit if i’m here or not. call me, or text me, or—or video chat, whatever. if you need to, or want to, i don’t care, okay? even if it’s the middle of the night, peter. i mean it. just don’t go silent on me.”

peter can see the worry and concern written on harley’s face. he promises that he’ll be okay because it’s nice having someone care so much but he doesn’t want harley to always worry about him. ‘he’s got a crush on this guy, for fuck’s sake. having the foundation of their entire relationship, even if it is platonic, be concern doesn’t feel great.’

harley says “i’m sure you will be [fine], but i’ll still miss you and i’m gonna wanna hear from you, so please remember to talk to me”

peter says he will and asks if harley will, too, to which harley laughs and says that of course he will. and then harley is gone for break.

gwen asks how long peter has liked harley. he tries to deny it but she says that it was pretty obvious because of how peter looked at harley when harley said he’ll miss him. peter admits that he realize a week or two ago, and gwen says that she would have assumed it was longer. peter asks why and she says that she didn’t see it until just now, but looking back on it—on the things that have happened and how peter has acted around harley, it makes a lot of sense under the context of peter having feelings. peter thinks about it and says that maybe he’s liked harley for longer and didn’t realize it because he hasn’t had many crushes before so it’s hard for him to recognize when his feelings go past friendly. gwen says it’s definitely possible.

gwen tells him that she thinks it’s a good thing.

At his look of confusion, she clarifies, “You, I mean. Liking Harley. It’s healthy, and normal, and good.”

His nose crinkles up on his face, squinting at her. “I know it’s normal for boys to like boys, Gwen.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about, but thanks for the reassurance that you’re not struggling with internalized homophobia, Pete.”

gwen explains that since meeting peter in september, she’s seen him go from closed off and quiet and sad to someone more open and warm and happier and more comfortable—so comfortable that he now feels safe enough to develop a crush on someone. she doesn’t think that would have been possible before now.

“maybe this doesn’t make sense, but… i feel like it’s a sign that you’re getting better, that you’re—you’re healing from all the bad things that you’ve been through.”

peter says that it makes sense and that he thinks she might be right about him healing and getting better. she hugs him, but then her phone vibrates and she has to leave. she promises that he’s not going to be alone and says that she’s sorry they have to leave him like this, but that they’ll make sure to talk every chance that they can and assures him that new year’s eve isn’t that far away. “we’ve got you, no matter what.” he says okay even though he doesn’t know if he believes her, and then she’s gone.

“for the first time in months, it’s just him.”

small texting scene where harry says he misses them. gwen says it’s been an hour and he says that his mom made him comfort cookies because she knows he’s sad about leaving them. peter says he misses them too, which makes gwen sad. she asks how to un-sad themselves before harley’s plane lands and he gets sad too. peter says to fast forward a little bit. gwen says she wants to give him another hug. harry says that he would share the comfort cookies through the phone he would.

harley texts peter individually with a picture of rose hill and says he made it in one piece.

peter starts patrolling a lot more “because he doesn’t know what else to do and patrolling is usually his knee-jerk reaction to loneliness, boredom, or any sort of feeling that involves him being by himself or having any sort of free time.” losing the structure and the schedule that he’s gotten used to having so suddenly makes him feel like he’s in limbo and like the world has shifted and he’s trying to learn how to walk on it again. he’s aware that it will go back to normal after winter break is over, but for now he has no consistency to rely on other than patrolling, so he patrols as much as he can.

“it’s time-consuming good work that he’s proud of, but coming back to his apartment every time instead of going to class or going to see his friends makes it feel more like the ten months he spent completely alone” but his friends spamming their group chat helps remind him that this isn’t permanent.

he thinks about harley and how harley told peter to call or text or video chat or whatever. he thinks about how the four of them have been texting nonstop but how he hasn’t called any of them. it’s five days into winter break and he feels stupid for how badly he wants to call them, but they have families and are busy and he thinks he should be happy enough with the texts. but then he also remembers harley saying that he’ll miss him and how he’s gonna want to hear from peter, and it helps him put it into perspective that maybe they want to call him, too, but maybe they just haven’t been able to, or maybe they think the same thing that he does—that he’s busy or that he isn’t calling them for a reason and are waiting for him to call first.

“he has to remember that they’re all eighteen—the three of them have shown maturity and offered support to the point well beyond many fully grown adults out there, but all of them are still just teens. peter’s fears and anxieties and demons are monsters of their own, but that little voice he has in his head telling him not to call could very well be the same exact little voices whispering to them, too.”

he pushes past his anxiety and his guilt and he calls gwen. she answers the phone by saying “finally” and asks if he can turn his camera on because she’s with her mom and wants him to meet her.

a few days later, peter feels lonely enough again to call harry. he’s still nervous about somehow bothering harry or crossing a line, but gwen had been so excited that he feels confident enough to at least try. especially since, out of the four of them, harry has been the one texting the group chat and texting peter the most. so he calls harry, who immediately puts peter on speaker and calls his mom over.

emily is very excited to say hi to him and asks how he’s doing and how his break is going.. he says that it’s going good and that he’s alright, then asks how they’re doing. harry says he’s doing a million times better now and tells peter that he’s wanted to call him the whole break but wasn’t sure if peter was the kind of person who likes to call. peter admits that he isn’t good at making calls usually but he got lonely and kind of sad and called gwen a few days ago which made him feel better but he misses harry and harley too so he’s just kind of making the rounds to remind himself that they still exist.

emily says that she’s sorry he’s feeling lonely and asks if he’s seeing any of his family during break. harry tries to interrupt to change the subject, but peter says that it’s fine because he knows that he’s going to have to get used to telling people that he has no one left, so he tells emily that all of his family have passed away and that it’s just him.

emily tells him that he can come to their house to spend the rest of break with them, but peter says that it’s okay because he’s planning to go volunteer at a homeless shelter that his aunt ran before she died (FEAST, but he doesn’t name it). emily says that he’s always welcome, in case he changes his mind.

when peter wakes up on christmas, he sets a timer for 30 minutes on his phone and gives himself the time to lay down in the quiet “to wallow in the silence of the morning and sink into his mind, into the feeling of his second holiday season without may. without happy. without ned and mj and everyone else in his life that he’s lost.” when the time is up, he makes himself get up because he refuses to spend the entire day stuck in the darkness.

he goes on patrol for about two hours or so before going back to his apartment. he feels heavy but ignores it and heads to FEAST, where there are about twice as many boxes of donations than usual. he’s quickly put on sorting duty. “it’s monotonous, but it’s exactly what he needs—something to do with his hands, something that takes little to no brain power. he can sink into silence and muscle memory and get lost in the repetition.”

less than an hour before sunset, he goes to the cemetery to visit may.

It feels wrong, not visiting May on Christmas. The Parker family was always Jewish, technically, but they were never religious by any means, one way or the other. They always celebrated the fun parts of Christmas, just for the hell of it—the decorating, the gift-giving, the cookies, and the gingerbread houses. Cliché movies and Christmas songs weren’t really their thing, but the rest of it? It was a blast.

Two years ago—Peter’s last Christmas with May, though he didn’t know it at the time—they visited Pepper and Morgan on Christmas Eve. Morgan had been so excited to see them, had jumped and laughed and showed them her special Christmas Eve pajamas that she got, put on her favorite movie and played them her favorite song, and asked if they had their cookies ready for Santa, carrots ready for the reindeer. Peter doesn’t think he’s ever seen that much enthusiasm for the holidays before. It had been contagious, and on Christmas morning, he got up early, well before May, to bake cookies and make hot chocolate for her to wake up to.

She had laughed, bright and surprised, when she walked into the living room to see the plate of cookies and steaming mugs waiting for her. They had put on a movie—not a Christmas movie; as contagious as Morgan’s holiday spirit was, it still wasn’t their thing—and drank their hot chocolate and ate cookies for breakfast. It had been mundane and simple, but it had been homey and comfortable and perfect.

Last year, Peter had patrolled the entire day and visited May’s grave minutes before midnight, just to whisper a Merry Christmas and run away with a sense of shame churning in his stomach.

And now… things are different.

peter doesn’t feel ashamed this year because his life is in a better place and he thinks that she’d be proud of where he is and the friends that he’s made. he knows that she would love them.

he thinks may would love gwen’s outspokenness and how gwen isn’t afraid to say what she wants to say and do what she wants to do. she would love harry’s heart and how he doesn’t shy away from showing how much he loves. she would love gwen’s snark and harry’s wit.

she would be charmed by harley’s kindness, tenderness, and his willingness to put the people around him first, their comfort and boundaries and feelings, but also how harley speaks his mind and makes his opinion clear. “he cares, not just about everyone around him, but he respects himself enough to prioritize himself without a second thought.”

peter talks to may while visiting her grave. he says that he’s trying, that he knows he wasn’t before because he didn’t care enough about himself to try, but now he has friends who care about him and who he cares about and he’s trying for them and for may. he says he misses her and how he wishes he could have saved her. “it’s so hard, doing this by myself.” he can practically hear her telling him not to lie, so he admits that he isn’t by himself anymore, but it’s still hard doing this without her. he guesses he could have lost her anyway because she would have forgotten him if she were still alive, but he would take that any day over how things are now because at least she’s still be here.

on new year’s eve, him and harry and gwen meet at late night and get drinks before going to peter’s apartment, which he’s already cleaned and made incrimination free. harry says he has their christmas presents and gwen says that she does, too. peter suddenly realizes that he didn’t even think about presents. gwen promises him that none of them expect anything from him, but he promises that he’ll get them something. harry says he doesn’t have to. peter says that he wants to anyway.

harry also has harley’s gifts to them because harley left them to him and told him to have them open their gifts together. gwen and peter open their gifts from harry first, which is a gift card to the cafe that harry always buys smoothies and breakfast sandwiches from and an ESU sweatshirt that matches the one harry is wearing and the one that gwen has with her gift. harry got them matching sweatshirts. peter puts his on instantly and says he loves it. gwen puts hers on too.

gwen gives them her gifts next and warns them that she likes to get people practical gifts that she thinks they need. peter understands what she means when he opens his gift and sees that it’s two new notebooks and a set of pens. gwen wrote a note on the inside of the top notebook that says “for school or for everything else”

harry hands them their gifts from harley.

peter gets a handmade coupon for the donut shop that says ‘donuts on me when i get back?” and a CD with paper taped to the case, where harley wrote him a note. in the note he says that him, his mom and his sister used to burn CD’s all the time when he was a kid and how music has always been a go to for him and how he likes finding new songs in new genres and relating them to himself or things or people around him. so, he burned a CD for peter that has five songs on it. “the criteria is pretty vague—there’s a couple songs on here that i just think you’d like, but there’s a couple songs that make me think of you, too.” he also puts a heart by his name at the end of the note.

peter reads the note four times before looking up and realizing that harry and gwen have CD’s too and he thinks that it’s a very harley gift, something that’s the same but still personalized and individual because each CD has songs he picked specifically for them. harry calls harley a sap and gwen points out the matching sweatshirt and calls harry a hypocrite. harry tells her to not be an ass because it’s not a good look on her and she says that everything’s a good look on her, which makes peter laugh and think about may again and thinks that, yeah, may would have really loved his friends if she were here.

the next day (january 1, 2026) peter listens to the CD from harley.

track one - bombom by macklemore and ryan lewis. an instrumental with a fun flow that makes peter bob his head along to the music. peter is pretty sure this is a song that harley picked because he thought peter would like it, which he does.

track two - talking to myself by watsky, lyric-heavy and more emotionally driven, the song talks about opening your eyes in a world with no choice in the rules, the past, the pace, or the people around you. peter thinks harley picked this one as a kind of letter, a song that makes harley think of peter, but he then thinks he’s getting ahead of himself and settles on the idea that it’s more a song that harley thought peter would like, or a lowkey combination of both.

track three - you’ll be okay (acoustic) by michael schulte. even more personal and heavy, peter feels physically impacted by this song. the lyrics talk about how it hurts to be on your own. it says to slow down, you’ll be okay. it says that you start to believe the loneliness and fear of being forever unknown is endless and not understanding why you’re always the one getting hurt, but then it repeats slow down, you’ll be okay. peter knows this is a song he will put on repeat on a bad day and tell himself that it’s a reminder from harley.

track four - giants by matt maeson. peter can quickly tell that this is another song harley chose because he thought peter would like it, and again, peter definitely does. it’s a hopeful anthem for anyone who needs it, talking about being unified and being restless and being free.

track five - i see you by missio. this song is just as it’s named. it talks about seeing someone when they’re down, depressed, crying, and at their lowest. it also talks about seeing someone on their good days, too — ‘i see you when you smile, it takes a while, at least you’re here.’ it reminds peter of all the hang outs he almost skipped and is very grateful to have gone to. he thinks about harley always brightening when peter showed up and inviting him in, welcoming him.

in the emotional aftermath of listening to the CD, peter finally calls harley, who picks up on the third ring. peter tells him that he likes the songs and thanks harley for his gift. peter asks what christmas is like in rose hill and harley says ‘other than my sister trying to shave my head while i was sleeping? it’s pretty cozy, honestly. and very boring.’

the last line of the chapter is this:

Cheesy as it may sound, he thinks listening to Harley talk is better than any music could ever be.

gonna make little chapter recaps while i reread what's posted of homeward bound so far. and then i am going to bust out chapter seventeen. might not finish it this weekend, but i hope to get a majority of it written. let's get into it.

starting with chapter one - i'm so tired of being afraid

word count: 7,535 (7,515 without the chapter lyrics at the start)

chapter song: six by sleeping at last

chapter lyrics:

what would it feel like to put this baggage down? if i'm being honest i'm not sure i'd know how

recap + lines i felt were important enough to jot down:

peter moves into his new apartment (december 2024)

peter needs to be alone

"when he's alone, there's no one to let down but himself."

peter looks up norman, otto, max, flint, and curt as a precaution now that he knows they turned into villains in the other worlds

norman and otto: started oscorp together during the five year gap between snaps, but have not gotten very far due to the world mourning the half of the population that's gone and also because stark industries is already a powerhouse in all the industries that oscorp is trying to step a foot into. peter deems them not a threat for now but will occasionally check on them just to be safe.

max and flint: peter is unable to find records of anyone with their names when looking them up. that's doesn't guarantee they don't exist in this world, they could have different names or something like that, but peter finds no trace of them and feels like it's safe to assume they don't exist here. he'll still check again occasionally to see if anything pops up down the line.

curt: a professor at empire state university with no signs of any of the things that happened in the other world happening to him here. again, peter will check occasionally to make sure, but overall he thinks that his world is most likely safe from these five people becoming villains like they did in the other peter's worlds.

peter looks into empire state university after looking up curt and thinks about how he'd like to go to college. it's always been part of his life plan. his life is completely different than what it was ever supposed to be and he'd need to get his GED, but he thinks about how he'd like to still go if he can make it work.

peter decides he needs to remake his suit, partially because he other suits can't be used anymore now that karen doesn't recognize him - edith doesn't recognize him anymore, either, which makes peter sad because he feels like he's lost a connection that he had with tony after tony's death - but he also wants to remake his suits because he knows the other peter's made their own from suits from scratch as well, so he thinks it's pretty fitting and thinks that it's kind of like he's building himself up from scratch and starting over for good - "...as both Peter Parker and as Spider-Man"

"and karen not knowing him feels a lot like losing another friend."

he includes peter 2 and peter 3 in his suit design to honor them and remind himself that, even if he is alone in his world, he isn't alone in the universe.

raimi spidey emblem on his chest:

and tasm spidey emblem on his back:

"when peter gets lost, or angry, or overwhelmed... he has reminders of them, interwoven into his suit, for him to brush his fingers against and think to himself, be strong, peter. do it for your brothers."

peter had an uncle ben in his world, but his uncle ben died less than two years after his parents did when he was six and a half years old. peter thinks about how his uncle ben impacted his life in a much different life than the other peter's. his uncle ben's last words shaped his morals and his outlook in life, to the point that, when tony first showed up to recruit peter for germany, he had used his own wording based on what ben said to explain why being spidey is so important to him.

"he remembers ben shrugging, remembers him smiling, remembers him saying, "if i didn't help, it'd be my fault, too." the way he said it had been so simple, so sure - a philosophy he fully and passionately believed in."

actually just this whole section feels very important to me so i'm going to copy and paste it right here:

In a way, Uncle Ben played a significant part in Peter becoming Spider-Man, but not in the same way that the Other Peter’s seemed to be influenced by their Uncle Ben’s. Peter remembers that he didn’t think much of the last words he heard his Ben say for a while, but that they seemed to click in his head around the time he was nine or ten, and suddenly they were words he wanted to live by. Doing good, and getting in the way to stop bad things, no matter how big or how small, because then it’d be his fault, too, if he didn’t.

It’s what he told Mr. Stark, back when he was still fourteen almost fifteen and the man had appeared in his apartment. When you can do the things I can, he had said—not exactly what Ben had said, no, kind of added onto by Peter, altered with the weight of Spider-Man stacked on top of the same philosophy he already lived by—but you don’t, and then the bad things happen… they happen because of you.

It’s not what the Other Peter’s talked about, though—because Ben didn’t tell Peter that great power comes with great responsibility. Aunt May told him that. But, for the Other Peter’s, it had been an Uncle that lived longer than his own did.

Then again, the Other Peter’s didn’t have the Avenger’s, and they never had Mr. Stark. Maybe it’s just different because each world isn’t supposed to be the same, and that’s all there is to it.

also may's line from right before ben died, which peter later tells harley about when telling harley the truth about his life:

“You stupid Parker men,” May had scoffed. “Way too selfless for your own good.”

peter thinks that it feels important that uncle ben had such a huge role in shaping who he is, and how the ben's of the other worlds had such a huge part in the other peter's lives as well, even if it was in vastly different ways. he then thinks about how, out of the very few things that peter was able to get out of his and may's old apartment before it was cleared out, one of them happened to be a box of uncle ben's old stuff - including, at the very top of the box, ben's old camera.

peter learns how to use ben's camera to take pictures properly in order to then take pictures of himself as spidey to sell to the daily bugle. he thinks it's amusing and ironic that the pictures he takes are used for articles that slander spidey, knowing that jjj would probably lose his shit if he knew he bought the pictures from spider-man himself.

"everything seems to be trial and error these days - life was never a certainty before, but now it's pretty clearly up in the air and he's left scrambling to try and figure it out, approaching every corner completely blind to what he'll find when he turns it - but that's alright, because he's got the brain of a scientist and trial and error could just be another term for experiment, so it works out well."

that ^ quote is a nice tie in to the tony flashback that happens in chapter 16, where tony calls peter an observer and says that peter is always gathering information and how peter looks more than most people do because peter likes to be prepared and likes to understand.

peter spends new years eve alone (new years, 2024) and watches the fireworks while thinking about the other peter's not being alone before going back to patrol.

peter gets his first Big Injury since ending up completely on his own. he has no one to call and he has no super pain killers like the ones tony had made for him before tony died. the injury starts at his left hip, goes over his ribs, stops at the center of his chest. it was done with a knife. peter has to stitch himself up. it's the first time he's ever done stitches on himself.

he passes out after finishing the stitches and wakes up almost a full day later. thinks about his healing and how his enhancements are definitely being negatively impacted by his lackluster eating habits - he's broke as fuck and also doesn't have much of an appetite due to being traumatized and depressed.

"part of him wonders how drastic a change it really is - wonders if, maybe, the scars will stop fading away. for some reason, that's the thought that makes him feel sick to his stomach."

fun fact: this injury is the one that peter tells harley about in chapter 15 when harley is asking about some of peter's scars.

and that's the end of chapter one! these little recaps are entirely for my own benefit - the only reason i'm posting them is because giving myself the expectation and responsibility of posting them will make me actually commit to recapping every chapter, which will make working on chapter seventeen a lot fucking easier and will make it so i'm able to finish chapter seventeen a lot fucking faster.

i will be reblogging with the chapter two recap shortly

#homeward bound fic

18 notes · View notes

thompsborn · 19 days

Text

a couple things (homeward bound related):

chapter 17 will for sure be posted before the end of april. hopefully within the next week or two, but definitely by the end of april.

the name of the sequel has officially changed in order to create a theme. i asked @spaceoddy if my idea was too cheesy and was informed that, if it is cheesy, it’s the good kind, so now the series will have a theme for the titles which i am unreasonably excited about.

there will be a one shot posted after the end of the first fic and before the start of the sequel. unsure how the one shots will be named, if they’re gonna follow the theme or whatnot, but i know exactly what i plan to write for it and am very much excited about it.

this one isn’t anything i haven’t said before, but harley’s pov in the sequel is going to be SO fun to write and it’s going to provide SO MUCH MORE to the fic—both for the series as a whole, but also it’s going to shine a lot of light on the first fic that peter’s pov doesn’t allow visibility to.

parkner is going to become so fucking sweet as the series progresses. like it’s not going to be all sunshine and rainbows (fucking obviously) but their relationship development and the arc of their dynamic is just. it’s SO good. i am so happy with the ideas i have for this series and i never expected so many people to like homeward bound but hopefully anyone who continues to read the series past the first fic will enjoy what i have planned as well.

i got a new car and named him venom. (: (: (: (;

#homeward bound fic #parkner

8 notes · View notes

thompsborn · 19 days

Text

chapter ten - and i'm scared of what i'll find

word count: 8,327 (8,304 without chapter lyrics)

total word count: 88,949 (88,651 without chapter lyrics)

chapter song: bones (rough version) by the farewell friend

chapter lyrics:

and i can't breathe anymore and i can't see in the dark but i can feel my heart jump around inside my bones

recap + lines that i felt were important enough to jot down:

peter is at FEAST (friday, december 5, 2025) when he meets martin li. peter doesn't know how to feel about him. martin seems nice but he isn't may, and it feels wrong to have someone who isn't may running FEAST. martin says hi and asks why peter decided to volunteer, and peter says he used to help out when he was in high school with his aunt (he doesn't say may's name) but he decided to get back into it in her memory. martin gives him an understanding look and says "for your aunt, then" and helps peter sort through the next six boxes of donations. peter decides that it's hard to find any reason to dislike martin after that, even if he isn't may, because he thinks that may would have liked him.

he thinks about how he's no longer walking around in a dissociative state where he fades in and out of awareness and experiences life in flashes, but he also isn't horribly raw and painfully exposed like he was on the anniversary of may's death. he's voluntarily and slowly dismantling the wall that he built in his mind to try and muffle the world around him and keep himself protected.

even with the slow process, though, taking down the wall is still exposing the pain hidden behind it. now that he's more grounded and present he's able to notice more things that he didn't before, stuff that reminds him of his old life. it's leading to borderline panic attacks that he's been too numb to have the past year.

It’s fine, he tells himself—when the book being dropped sounds like a gunshot and his adrenaline rush doesn’t want to fade away, instead threatening to shift into something else entirely; when he walks past a construction site for a new building and a gust of wind sends sawdust swirling around him and it looks just enough like sand come to life that it sends his heartbeat racing; when he’s at Harry and Harley’s dorm hanging out with his friends and there’s a flash of lightning outside before a rumble of thunder and all he can think of is the missiles firing from Thanos’ ship during that final battle that took Tony’s life—

It's fine, he thinks a bit desperately, because he’s getting better, sure, but part of getting better can also include feeling worse, sometimes. Stay calm. Breathe. It’s okay. It’s alright. It’s fine.

a base for a drug ring in harlem is attacked and leaves twelve people dead. peter assumes marcus did it and wonders why those people were targeted. why them? why now?

gwen goes to peter's apartment and asks about his investigation board. she asks him to fill her in on what he knows so far since she said she's going to help him with it. peter is confused - he thought that when gwen said she would help that she meant being someone he can talk to, not that she was planning to investigate with him - but he tells her about richard fisk being wilson fisk's son. when gwen asks how peter knows, peter tells a super vague truth about how he broke into a warehouse and overhead some stuff. gwen says not to tell her anything illegal he's done, just to tell her what he knows.

norman osborn makes a small, unspecified breakthrough at oscorp. peter decides to check up on the multiverse villains again. nothing new has popped up with otto. curt connors has gotten a few shout-outs for his work at ESU. peter thinks about how he's probably walked past curt on campus without realizing it.

peter dreads dropping off pictures at the daily bugle because of frederick never leaving peter alone when he's there. frederick always asks about the same shit - how peter manages to track spider-man for his pictures. peter always gives him the same answers, but frederick keeps asking. the only reason peter hasn't reporting frederick for harassment because he knows that he's lying and because he knows he can handle himself. plus, no normal person would be this obsessed with learning how to track spider-man. frederick says that he's just trying to get a good story, but peter doesn't believe him and reluctantly lets frederick's annoying questioning continue so that peter can have a chance to figure out what frederick's deal with. peter doesn't believe that it's related to his investigation, but it's suspicious enough for him to worry.

"peter parker is avoiding an epiphany"

aka, peter is having a mild crisis about developing feelings for harley, enough so that he still won't put actual words to it. he thinks it's stupid, especially because he loves and misses mj, but he wonders if he still loves her romantically or if the past year of her not remembering him and not being in his life has been enough time for his feelings to fade from romantic and to settle back to the platonic best friend love that he had for her before they got together. he wonders if losing those romantic feelings makes him a bad person. "even worse - does it make him a bad person if he's starting to have them for someone else?"

peter goes on patrol to distract himself - "as it always seems to go, it helps about as much as it doesn't." he ends up thinking about it all while he's swinging around in between stopping crime.

he's always been open to the idea of not being straight, but the only people he's ever had feelings for at liz and mj, so he never bothered to give it a lot of thought. harley is kind of a touchy-feely person. "not overly so, but he reaches out - grabs onto peter's wrist, places his hand on peter's shoulder, hesitates sometimes before he does as it he's scared of crossing a line or causing harm or scaring away"

peter wonders why he doesn't shy away from touch. "he's suffered at the hands of both stranger and supposed friend many a time." there are times when his senses are too high or his emotions are even higher where he can't handle the gentleness of it, but he doesn't flinch away or actively avoid his friends touch.

he felt like he was abandoning ned and mj when he left them at the statue of liberty. he felt like he was betraying them when he started to become friends with harry, gwen, and harley. no matter how much time passes, peter knows he will always love ned and mj, but he doesn't love mj like a girlfriend, and he has something like a crush on someone else, and he's struggling to accept that.

Harley snorts, sometimes. It’s rare, but it happens, and Peter can’t help but smile when it does.

That’s not something that happens with just friendly feelings. That doesn’t happen when Harry snorts, or when Gwen snorts. Sure, it makes Peter laugh, makes him happy, knowing his friends are happy and laughing and all that—but when Harley snorts out a laugh, all glowy and everything, Peter feels it.

peter sees the enhanced guy and decides to follow him. he feels frustrated about the lack of progress he's made on his investigation and is willing to do whatever he can to make a step in the right direction and hopefully put an end to this whole thing. the enhanced guy stops at a bodega for groceries and then walks around, ducking around corners, and peter only just realizes that the guy must know he's being followed before the guy manages to disappear. peter tries to find where he went.

while looking, he sees happy, pepper, and morgan. peter stumbles back and assumes he's seeing things, but he isn't. their car is parked by the curb. pepper is helping morgan, who is now seven, get buckled in the back seat. happy is sitting in the drivers seat with the window rolled down. happy says something that makes morgan laugh. peter is reeling - they look so similar to when he knew them, except for morgan, who has grown a lot and looks just like tony when she rolls her eyes and grins snarkily. peter can't look away, even though tears burn the backs of his eyes, and watches them until they're gone.

peter thinks about tony's funeral.

May had gone to wake him up early, but he’d already been awake—unable to sleep the night before, of course, knowing what was to come the following day. Another funeral, for another loved one lost. Still, she helped him out of bed, guided him through the process of getting ready in his zombie-like state, helped him tie his tie and tame his hair—made him presentable, like Tony deserved for an event meant to honor the life he lived, an event meant to send him off and remember him, mourn him, say goodbye.

For good, as a finality. Peter had yet to accept it—still heard the way Tony’s heart had thudded, thudded, thudded, then stopped while he lay, burned and beaten on that battlefield, playing on repeat in his head whenever he allowed his mind to wander. In complete honesty, he still hears it, sometimes, in the dead of night, in the darkest parts of his nightmares—a reminder of his failures.

He had the gauntlet. He had it, he could have done something with it, could have prevented—

That’s a regret for another day. Another time.

he vaguely remembers the drive to the lake house feelings very long and very short at the same time. he kind of remembers being greeted by pepper upon arrival, being shown around the lake house and having conversations with people, though he can't remember who or what about. one of the only things he remembers clearly is meeting morgan. she had been really excited to meet him and said that tony told her about peter a lot and showed her pictures of him. she said that tony told her that peter is like her big brother, just not biologically. that made peter cry. morgan said sorry for making him sad, looking alarmed and guilty, but peter assured her that she made him happy and that he was just really emotional, but that she didn't need to feel bad because she didn't do anything wrong.

everything after meeting morgan is a blur, except for one moment after the ceremony where pepper pulled him aside and told him that tony cared about him. "more than you know, peter. i swear, he loved you like you were his own." she hugged him, which he found comforting. he doesn't remember anything else from the day.

peter goes back to his apartment feeling overwhelmed and emotional. it's been a long time since he's seen any of them in person - a year since talking to happy at may's grave, two years since him and may visited pepper and morgan on christmas eve. he decides that he needs a way to take his mind off of this.

gwen texts the groupchat saying that she's stressed about her class and wants a break and her roommate is gonna be gone for the night and is allowing gwen to use her TV, so she asks if they want to do a movie night. peter says that it's perfect timing and begs to do a movie night saying that he'll cry if they don't. gwen asks if he's okay and he says yes, then maybe when she asks again, and then he says he isn't because he saw some people he used to know and it made him sad.

it's mentioned that harley is having dinner with some family friends who are in the city but that him and harry will join the movie night when harley gets back. [the implication is that harley is having dinner with happy, pepper and morgan, seeing as peter saw them in the city. obviously peter doesn't think of this as he still does not know about harley knowing them, but that's what it is.]

peter goes to gwen's dorm early to avoid being alone with his thoughts, as each minute by himself is another minute where his brain tries to conjure up more memories that taunt him. he's lowkey crying when he gets to gwen's dorm and starts properly crying when she opens her door. he admits that seeing the people that he used to know kinda really got to him because he wasn't expecting it and he misses them. gwen asks if they hurt him when he knew them, which makes peter laugh because of how far it is from the truth. he says no, that life just changed so they aren't in each other's lives anymore, which kind of makes it worse because he only has good memories with them. they decide to start watching movies early to help take his mind off of it.

harley shows up to movie night late, apologizing and sitting next to peter, close enough that their sides are pressed together. peter's heart speeds up and he admits to himself that he has a crush on harley, putting the official words to the feelings despite already knowing since noticing the feelings before.

not super plot important but part of this scene mirrors the wording from a scene earlier this chapter, where peter thinks about harley being touchy-feely, only it's added onto.

See, Harley is a little bit of a touchy-feely kind of person. Not overly so, but he reaches out—grabs onto Peter’s wrist, places his hand on Peter’s shoulder, hesitates sometimes before he does as if he’s scared of crossing a line or causing harm or scaring away—but sometimes he doesn’t hesitate, moves into Peter’s space like he belongs there, like there’s always been room for him to settle into. It sounds so stupid, especially with how little time they’ve spent together, only a few months since they’ve met, only, like, a week since Peter even realized he was feeling like this, but that doesn’t make it less true.

the next morning (sunday, december 7, 2025) harley offers to walk peter home after the movie night. harley asks how peter is doing after seeing the people he used to know the day before. peter says that it sucked a lot but he's alright, that the movie night helped because it reminded him that he still has people.

harley asks if peter has anyone else, and peter says no. harley asks how long peter had no one before their group became friends and if peter was completely by himself. peter answers honestly and says that he had no one after may died until meeting them, which was november 2024 to september 2025, or about ten months. he says that he got his GED, got an apartment, started making money selling pictures to the daily bugle, and applied at ESU.

there's a silent pause before harley, choked up, questions if peter got to graduate. peter has to figure out an answer that works because the main reason he had to leave midtown was because no one remembered him, so he tells harley that he went to a STEM school and couldn't afford the tuition after may died but he didn't want to go to a public school and since all of his ID's say he's in his 20's because of the five years, he just got his GED instead

harley stops and says that he's sorry peter had to do that. "i can't even imagine having to do that. having to decide to do that." he says that getting through so much loss takes a lot of strength and that he's glad the movie night reminded peter that he has people because he does. "you have us. you have me."

"peter's mouth runs dry, his heart stuttering in his chest, stomach twisting and gut churning. he doesn't know what to say to that, doesn't know how to react - if the him from september could see him now, opening up like this, he would lose his mind; if the him from september could see him now, face heating up and reacting so heavily to such kind words, he would probably turn on his heel and walk away. things change. past him and current him are both very much aware of that, at least."

peter throws caution to the wind and tells harley that, sometimes, he gets scared that he loses everyone because of himself and that, when they all became friends, peter tried to push them away because he thought it might put them in danger.

"which is true, really. spider-man puts them in danger. but he worries that peter parker might, too."

harley leads them to the donut shop and buys two donuts for each of them, and then, when they're sitting in a booth, he tells peter that he isn't the problem. he says the world can be really shitty and take people who shouldn't have been taken yet and how that isn't peter's fault. "i don't know why the world took everyone from you but it isn't because of you. you deserve better than what you've gotten." he tells peter that he can't put them away and that peter is stuck with us and that he grows very attached to people and when he decides that he likes someone, he doesn't let go. "you're not getting rid of me, alright?"

peter says okay and harley says that he'll remind peter if he forgets it, and chapter ten ends there!

starting with chapter one - i'm so tired of being afraid

word count: 7,535 (7,515 without the chapter lyrics at the start)

chapter song: six by sleeping at last

chapter lyrics:

what would it feel like to put this baggage down? if i'm being honest i'm not sure i'd know how

recap + lines i felt were important enough to jot down:

peter moves into his new apartment (december 2024)

peter needs to be alone

"when he's alone, there's no one to let down but himself."

peter looks up norman, otto, max, flint, and curt as a precaution now that he knows they turned into villains in the other worlds

"and karen not knowing him feels a lot like losing another friend."

he includes peter 2 and peter 3 in his suit design to honor them and remind himself that, even if he is alone in his world, he isn't alone in the universe.

raimi spidey emblem on his chest:

and tasm spidey emblem on his back:

actually just this whole section feels very important to me so i'm going to copy and paste it right here:

also may's line from right before ben died, which peter later tells harley about when telling harley the truth about his life:

“You stupid Parker men,” May had scoffed. “Way too selfless for your own good.”

peter spends new years eve alone (new years, 2024) and watches the fireworks while thinking about the other peter's not being alone before going back to patrol.

"part of him wonders how drastic a change it really is - wonders if, maybe, the scars will stop fading away. for some reason, that's the thought that makes him feel sick to his stomach."

fun fact: this injury is the one that peter tells harley about in chapter 15 when harley is asking about some of peter's scars.

i will be reblogging with the chapter two recap shortly

#homeward bound fic

18 notes · View notes

thompsborn · 20 days

Text

chapter nine - i can't wash off the dirt from my hands

word count: 8,480 (8,438 without chapter lyrics)

total word count: 80,622 (80,347 without chapter lyrics)

chapter song: the hearse by matt maeson

chapter lyrics:

i will never go backwards, i will never be free i will never run faster, will you sing down to me? i will never go backwards, i will never be seen in the wake of disaster, will you sink down to me?

recap + lines that i felt were important enough to jot down:

"two days before thanksgiving, peter puts on his suit."

after the events of the last chapter - the anniversary of may's death - peter has been taking a small break from spider-man. other than doing research for his investigation, he hasn't let himself focus too much on the spidey side of things. mostly because he got pretty fucked up on the anniversary and needs the time to heal now that his metabolism is fucked and his healing is practically nonexistent

"a small part of him thinks he wanted a few days to just be peter parker, though. whatever's left of peter parker, anyway. both plenty and worryingly little, all the same."

Two days before Thanksgiving, and Peter is basically all the way healed. He’s got two weeks worth of food in his kitchen—partially his doing, but also partially because of his friends, who have been not so subtly bringing him things after they spent the anniversary of May’s death at his apartment and seemed to realize just how little he had—so he’s eating enough for his healing to work a little better. Not fully, no, because he’s eating normal people-sized snacks, and only two meals a day, sometimes three, if he’s able to stomach it; not enough to satisfy his metabolism fully, but enough to keep him more afloat than before. The bruises on his face are gone and all of his other injuries are either scars or small scabs. He keeps the bandages on anything that had been big before, though, because it hasn’t been long enough to take them off without suspicion, and he’s somehow convinced Gwen, Harley, and Harry that they don’t need to check how any of them are doing by lying about having a doctor’s appointment or two. It’d be impossible to explain away if they happened to look at the injuries now, and he hates the lying, but it’s necessary. And it’s worth it, too, because— Well. Because. Because of all of it. Because two days before Thanksgiving, he puts on his suit, and he can actually breathe under the mask without feeling like it’s suffocating him. Without feeling like the grief of it all is overwhelming him, pressing into his wounds like they’re fresh, like he’s bleeding out still. The spider emblems embolden him, reminders of the Other Peter’s that don’t feel heavy or bittersweet or make him question if he is still alone despite knowing for a fact that he is not the only Peter Parker in this mess of a multiverse. The bitterness is still here—it is always present, an everlasting thing, he knows. But anything feels possible when he stands atop a skyscraper and looks down upon a city that he, despite everything, loves. Loss is never going away, and the grief will always be with it, but right now, at this very second, he stares at the street below, at passing cars, walking New Yorkers, and feels… kind of okay. Not the kind of okay that he used to be, but—a new definition, maybe. Or a step in the right direction.

the day before thanksgiving, peter finally goes back to FEAST, skipping class to do so. "from the sidewalk, it still looks the same. there's nothing to differentiate what was with what is, no way to tell time has passed. just like before, that thought makes his skin itch. it makes him happy. it makes him livid beyond belief while his eyes well up with relief. overall, his reactions make no sense."

peter is feeling very conflicted but knows that he has to do this for may because he owes her that

"well, he owes her a whole lot more than that. he owes her life itself, but this will have to do for now."

It takes him a while to actually approach the doors, standing on the sidewalk across the street with weakened lungs that seem to struggle to maintain his breathing—his chest stutters with it, aches with it, but he gives himself the time he needs until each inhale is strong, each exhale no longer shakes. Only then does he step forward, trembling hands shoved into the pocket of his hoodie to try and fool everyone, to fool even himself, into thinking he’s more stable than he really is. How daunting the whole thing is. How overwhelming and terrifying—yet, at the same time, how easy it seems in comparison to the soul-crushing, heart-stomping experience that the anniversary of May’s death had been. Not that this is actually easy, no, but putting the two side by side… it’s not nearly as hard. He makes it through the doors somehow, miraculously, without crumbling in on himself, without collapsing entirely. He doesn’t spin on his heels and run away. He doesn’t choke on the grief, even as it wells in his chest and aches behind his ribcage, just as prominent and ever-present as it always is, only a little bit easier to manage. To kind of… swallow down and maneuver around, if only for this moment. For May, he thinks, forcing himself to approach the nearest volunteer to ask for ways that he can help.

on thanksgiving, peter goes to harry's house to spend it with him and his mom, emily. this is when one of my favorite texting snippets happens because i find it fucking hilarious and yes i am in fact including the entire thing here because i want to:

the stressed one [3:51 PM]: guys !!!!!!!!!!!

the stressed one [3:51 PM]: i was SO right

the stressed one [3:51 PM]: my mom 100% absolutely wants to adopt peter

the blonde one [3:56 PM]: omg

the southern one [3:56 PM]: peter i will actually literally seriously cross my heart i will pay you two hundred and twenty nine dollars to somehow find an embarrassing baby picture of harry and send it to me

the late one [3:57 PM]: that’s such a specific amount of money ??

the stressed one [3:57 PM]: can’t wait to murder my roommate <3

the late one [3:59 PM]: don’t murder harley

the late one [3:59 PM]: emily wouldn’t like it and i love my new adopted mom

the blonde one [4:00 PM]: LMAO

the blonde one [4:00 PM]: hey

the blonde one [4:00 PM]: topic change

the blonde one [4:01 PM]: do any of you know how to eat branzino without looking stupid in front of fancy family members who are very much familiar with how to eat branzino because i have no fucking clue how to eat this and would rather NOT look like an idiot in front of my rich uncle who just told me he’d buy me my first car if i get my driver’s license before next thanksgiving

the southern one [4:02 PM]: what the fuck is a branzino

the stressed one [4:02 PM]: you live in new york why the fuck do you want a car

the late one [4:03 PM]: adopted mom emily says good luck <3

the blonde one [4:05 PM]: none of those responses were helpful but thanks

thanksgiving with harry and emily is otherwise not explained (hint: when harry's pov comes into play later in the series, this will be revisited as a memory/flashback)

small scene of peter and gwen hanging out. she's talking about dropping out because of her professor, who she describes as gross and "yucky" because gwen stacy is mature as fuck, fuck you if you disagree. they also talk about how harry thinks peter is going to have a heart attack because of how often peter goes to the late night latte to get coffee in the middle of the night and peter thinks about his metabolism - specifically about how, when his metabolism is properly sustained, he burns through caffeine so fast that he doesn't feel it unless he chugs ten or more cups in quick succession. he remembers testing that with ned during their junior year and may not being impressed by the outcome.

peter thinks about how he isn't necessarily sad, but he does feel a certain heaviness when he breathes or walks or looks in the mirror. "... [he] wonders if anyone who knew him Before would even recognize him now, in the After, with the scars that his healing can't fix and the purpling bags under his eyes and the shadows that seem to cling to him, like a darkness lurking over his shoulders, a manifestation of his past, his trauma's, his mistakes, always following him, always lying in wait for the perfect time to target, to viciously and ruthlessly attack."

he thinks about how his friends helped him on the anniversary of may's death, and how the people he's lost used to help him, too. he is afraid because the people who used to help him are either dead or had to have every memory of peter wiped from their minds in order to avoid dying, and he doesn't want that to happen again.

"that initial urge to run and hide and shove and cower away - it's there, maybe, in a way, but it's shifted, it's adapted. he wants to protect them, and he wants to enjoy their company, and he doesn't want to repeat history."

a scene of peter's mind rapidly jumping back and forth between two things. the first thing is trying to pick background music that inspires him to look for leads in his investigation. the other thing is the investigation itself.

in the week or two surrounding thanksgiving, things have been abnormally calm. peter thinks about the criminals of new york taking a break for the holiday.

("peter can't help but picture a bunch of people in ski masks around a dinner table carving a turkey with horrendously large and very sharp knives, all sporting very, very this new york accents.")

that calmness in the city is quickly vanishing. criminals on the street seem to be rejuvenated with a newfound energy and enthusiasm to fight back when peter's on patrol. he doesn't like the vibe of it and is trying to re-examine his investigation board.

he hasn't seen or heard about marcus since he eavesdropped on the conversation where richard basically hired massacre, other than some name-fitting massacres across the city (limited to small crime rings) that peter's pretty sure were marcus' doing.

richard fisk is practically nonexistent as well, just like wilson fisk had been. peter only manages to get glimpses of him and has heard a few snippets of conversation here and there when he's gotten a decent lead on a location, but nothing helpful.

he hasn't found out more about lonnie lincoln but since lonnie's name was important enough to come up while he was out as spidey, peter is still planning to keep looking into him to be safe.

he hasn't learned more about the enhanced guy that fought him. there's been no sign of the guy and he doesn't really know where to go from here when he has nothing to go off of other than a blurry screenshot from a security camera that's too blurry to be recognizable.

peter wants to figure out who else was in the room of the first meeting he overheard - he assumes there are at least two other people. he wants to know where marcus and richard are. he wants to know who lonnie is and who the enhanced guy is.

harley brings him a donut from a shop that just opened across the street from late night. it's kind of a pointless mini scene that adds nothing to the plot except for a few tiny things

(1) harley tried a donut, loved it, and thought of peter. parkner crumbs!

(2) there is now a donut shop across the street from harley's work

(3) when trying to get peter to try the donut, harley says "i swear to god" which peter responds to by bringing up that harley's said he grew up going to church, harley says he did and he hated it and "the only things i believe in now are thor, loki, and these donuts." peter points out that loki is dead and harley says yeah, but loki has "died" multiple times so maybe he's still alive somewhere. peter thinks about the multiverse and the implication of somewhere. he says "maybe" and then tries the donut, which he loves.

“Well, yeah, but didn’t he die, like, five times?” Harley shrugs, takes a bite out of his donut, and speaks around it to add, “I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s still somehow alive right now. Somewhere, you know?” With his own small shrug—thinking about Other Peter’s and different universes and the idea that, yeah, actually, somewhere—Peter just murmurs, “Maybe,” and bites into his gifted donut. Harley gives him an odd little look—but he doesn’t get to say anything before Peter is lurching forward. “Oh my god—Harley, this is the best donut I’ve tasted in my life. What the fuck?” Immediately, Harley brightens again, and whatever it was that caused that odd little look is forgotten.

peter runs into the enhanced guy again. peter asks who he is and doesn't get an answer. the guy calls peter a pest and says that he's getting in the way and to stop looking or he'll regret it. he then leaves and peter doesn't follow him.

peter thinks about the heaviness of everything and how it's easier to ignore sometimes. the examples he thinks of are:

(1) when he's out as spidey getting photos for the daily bugle, able to enjoy swinging around with the pressure of patrol.

(2) when he goes to late night in the middle of the night and harley rolls his eyes and is sassy but already has peter's order on screen.

(3) when harry shows up at peter's apartment randomly with food and makes peter watch episodes of his favorite shows.

(4) when gwen waits for him outside of his classes and they go to see a movie or something

peter thinks about how he feels less heavy when he's around his friends, but how the heaviness is still there.

It’s very conflicting, really. There are moments where he feels like he survived the worst of it, of his head and the dark edges creeping towards him—he struggled and he fell and he needed help, but he still made it through the anniversary of May’s death, even went back to put flowers on her grave the day after with only the pain in his chest and the overwhelming feeling of missing her to accompany him. That being said, there are also moments where he feels like it’s entirely fabricated, like he’s lying to himself, to everyone around him—like he’s just tucking away how much of a wreck he is, so far out of sight that even he can’t seem to get a real glimpse of it—like that feeling he had, staring at the clock and realizing that it was past midnight, that the one year mark had really hit, and he thought he was a ticking time bomb running out of seconds—a ticking time bomb with time’s up entirely. Sometimes he feels a little bit like that. Like there’s a ticking in the back of his head, waiting, counting down to something unknown down the road. It makes him uneasy, makes him anxious. Is it his sixth sense, warning him, quietly but insistently? Maybe it is—but what the hell is it trying to warn him about?

while patrolling, gwen calls peter and asks if he has a spare key or something so that she can get into his apartment. peter notices that she sounds scared and asks what's wrong. he's about five minutes from his apartment. gwen says that someone was following her and he decides he can make it in three minutes. he swings there as fast as he can and rushes to his apartment as soon as he's changed out of his suit. they go into his apartment so that she can take a breather and calm her anxiety before he walks her back to campus.

he realizes once they're in his apartment that his investigation board is still up. before he can try to do something about that, gwen sees it and asks what it is. he tries to come up with an answer but isn't able to come up with anything. gwen asks if it's about may's murder. peter feels guilty because he feels like he's using may's death as a way to avoid being honest, and he hates lying, but he goes with it and says yes despite the guilt

gwen hugs him and says that she's sorry about the hand he's been dealt. she says that he isn't alone. he hugs her back.

she offers to help him with his investigation under the belief that he's trying to solve may's murder. she doesn't think that it's healthy for peter to obsess over, but she'd rather he not do it alone.

harley texts peter saying he has a proposition for him. peter makes a joke about an innuendo being there, which harley says "don't be gross" before explaining that he was wondering if peter would want to meet up at a diner to get burgers and shakes and brainstorm ideas for their english final together.

peter !!!! [1:41 PM]: are u saying that propositioning me like That would be gross, keener

harley (: [1:42 PM]: wh

harley (: [1:42 PM]: no, i ? i just? i??????????/ i’mg?f/

peter !!!! [1:43 PM]: milkshakes sound fun tho! what time?

harley (: [1:43 PM]: i

[harley (: is typing…]

harley (: [1:45 PM]: you stress me out in the weirdest ways

harley (: [1:45 PM]: how does 3:30 ish sound

while they're at the diner, peter notices something suddenly changing. it makes him feel panicked yet calm, scared and kind of guilty, but he isn't able to put words to the feeling and isn't entirely sure what's changed. he doesn't figure it out in this chapter, but the more-than-friends feelings are developing. here are two snippets from this scene.

(1) They’re at the diner, with notebooks out and laptops open and phones laying screen up on the table tops, burgers eaten and refilled milkshakes in hand. Harley is babbling about his newest idea about what to make his final about, and how it might work, and defending the fact that it’s a good idea despite Peter not saying anything contrary to that—he’s got a smudge of whipped cream on his nose and strawberry milkshake on the corner of his mouth and his eyes are bright and focused so intently on Peter as he talks and— Something… moves. Shifts, or alters, or just—just tilts, maybe, the tiniest bit to the left, to the right, Peter doesn’t fucking know, but it does what it does, and he finds himself rapidly blinking, all of those stupid emotions—that panic, that calm, that fear and that abundance of guilt—they all swirl together in his gut so suddenly that it makes his stomach lurch in the process.

(2) Peter is listening, he is, but he also isn’t getting a word because he’s suddenly finding himself stuck, just… looking, and trying to process whatever chemical imbalance or reaction is happening inside of him. That has to be what this is, after all—he doesn’t understand what else it could be. There’s a strip of sunlight shining through the window of the diner, kind of like a spotlight, lighting up Harley’s dirty blond hair in a way that’s unfairly pretty to look at—Peter’s stomach twists, turns, rebels entirely, though he doesn’t feel nauseous, doesn’t feel like he’s going to throw up. As Harley talks, his smile tilts, becomes something like a smirk, then a grin, transforms as he speaks like it’s developing with his words—there’s a sharp tug somewhere, and Peter grabs onto his milkshake with a shaky hand and decides that maybe he doesn’t want to understand what this feeling is, actually. He doesn't feel prepared for whatever it is right now. Something tells him that it’s… big, and scary, and he’s not ready for it just yet. Maybe later.

and that's the end of chapter nine (:

starting with chapter one - i'm so tired of being afraid

word count: 7,535 (7,515 without the chapter lyrics at the start)

chapter song: six by sleeping at last

chapter lyrics:

what would it feel like to put this baggage down? if i'm being honest i'm not sure i'd know how

recap + lines i felt were important enough to jot down:

peter moves into his new apartment (december 2024)

peter needs to be alone

"when he's alone, there's no one to let down but himself."

peter looks up norman, otto, max, flint, and curt as a precaution now that he knows they turned into villains in the other worlds

"and karen not knowing him feels a lot like losing another friend."

he includes peter 2 and peter 3 in his suit design to honor them and remind himself that, even if he is alone in his world, he isn't alone in the universe.

raimi spidey emblem on his chest:

and tasm spidey emblem on his back:

actually just this whole section feels very important to me so i'm going to copy and paste it right here:

also may's line from right before ben died, which peter later tells harley about when telling harley the truth about his life:

“You stupid Parker men,” May had scoffed. “Way too selfless for your own good.”

peter spends new years eve alone (new years, 2024) and watches the fireworks while thinking about the other peter's not being alone before going back to patrol.

"part of him wonders how drastic a change it really is - wonders if, maybe, the scars will stop fading away. for some reason, that's the thought that makes him feel sick to his stomach."

fun fact: this injury is the one that peter tells harley about in chapter 15 when harley is asking about some of peter's scars.

i will be reblogging with the chapter two recap shortly

#homeward bound fic

18 notes · View notes

thompsborn · 20 days

Text

lowkey homeward bound spoiler but the way i am so excited to write hb harley’s pov. the boy did not show it but he definitely had a nerdy internal meltdown when peter confirmed the existence of a multiverse. there were more pressing matters in the moment (peter being spider-man, obviously) but he definitely woke harry up at like 4 am a few days later to ask him if he believes in a multiverse and harry told him to fuck off and go back to sleep and harley didn’t because he couldn’t stop thinking about it.

#homeward bound fic

1 note · View note

thompsborn · 23 days

Text

April Prompts 🐞

Word prompts to use for doodling or writing

ladybug

basket

pastels

easter egg

sunlit

berry red

river

nature

kitchen table

basil

seeds

fireflies

windmill

smiling

daisy

art supplies

nest

caterpillar

skyline

dessert

bicycle

vegetable garden

friends

clouds

hot-air balloon

games

soft breeze

dates

mushrooms

teasing

3K notes · View notes

thompsborn · 23 days

Note

with the combined power of us being the number one fans of each others fics, maybe pmd AND hb will end up updated before we reach 2030 🫡

Hi, I hope all is well with you :) Just wondering if there's any progress on chapter 5 of 《poison me, Daddy!》 Even if not, that's fine! I'm definitely not trying to rush you, it's just that I can't get this novel out of my mind, it holds a special place in my heart

hey, hi, hello, yo, wassup?

this is such a sweet message; i'm incredibly honored. 🥹 just in general, the love my silly little fic gets boggles my mind.

chapter 5...exists? like, it's written but it's severely lacking. i finished it in january but i hated it so much that i hibernated for a few months. 🤡 i'm gonna try again. if it comes close to how i wrote in my heyday, i'll post it. good news is @thompsborn is my accountabilibuddy and we're back in each other's dms. so maybe it'll finally happen?

p.s. read homeward bound if you want some good fuckin food while you wait for my day old donuts.

#i believe in us!!

5 notes · View notes

thompsborn · 26 days

Text

HEY WHAT THE FUCK

HOMEWARD BOUND HAS 50K HITS ???

#i knew it was close but indidnt think it would happen until after i posted chapter 17 i!!!!!#hello it is me ari and i am tearing up at a car dealership while trying to buy a car happy friday #maybe this will motivate me to finish the recaps and finally get chapter 17 done #lmao if i posted ch17 on april fools day #homeward bound fic

7 notes · View notes

thompsborn · 28 days

Text

IRON MAN 2 (2010) dir. Jon Favreau

1K notes · View notes

thompsborn · 28 days

Text

Peter: *carries his besties like bags of groceries*

929 notes · View notes

thompsborn · 29 days

Text

chapter eight - no one alone can do it alone

word count: 10,146 (10,128 without chapter lyrics)

total word count: 72,142 (71,909 without chapter lyrics)

chapter song: untitled (for now) by oliver daldry

chapter lyrics:

i have been here before to these cemetery doors with my hands almost bleeding my heart barely beating

recap + lines i felt were important enough to jot down:

picking up immediately from the end of chapter seven, harley is hugging peter. when peter stops fighting it and sinks into the comfort, and the pain becomes unbearable

At first, it’s like a live wire. When Harley hugs him—when Peter stops fighting it, stops trying to push Harley away and sinks into the embrace and accepts it—it’s as if he’s pulling back the bandages and exposing open wounds for anyone who may or may not be passing by to poke and prod at as they please. Harley tightens his hold, winds his arms around him and holds him closer and Peter doesn’t even really notice when it washes over him, when the fog that’s been clouding his senses, pushing it all down, away, hiding it—keeping it distant and muffled and quiet—starts to lift. He isn’t sure when he goes from just letting himself seek comfort from a hug that he didn’t even initiate to clutching onto the back of the crewneck that Harley’s got on under his work apron and completely falling apart. The wound is exposed to the harsh weather of the world for the first time in a year, since he first messily patched it up and shoved the memory of it as far back into his head as he could possibly make it go without forgetting it entirely. With the bandages pulled back and the fog cleared, the agony sets in. Peter heaves in a breath that makes his chest ache, makes his lungs twinge with the kind of pain that hints at injuries probably procured during the past day and a half of constant patrolling, though he can’t pinpoint any specific moments that might have ended up with any specific injuries at all, so he can’t quite place anything other than the fact that he’s hurt, in a lot of different ways, and the pain is everywhere.

harley says "i've got you, it's alright" but peter disagrees

"there's nothing he's been more sure of in the past year - the sun rises, the sun sets, he's spider-man before he's peter parker, and nothing is even close to alright"

everything is reminding peter of his trauma and his pain. he struggles to breathe in the face of it. his own heartbeat is so loud in his head that it reminds him of the explosions during the fight again thanos at the compound, of the explosions during the destruction of happy's apartment. he chokes on air trying to breathe and it reminds him of inhaling smoke and ash, of tasting fire and death. he remembers hearing hearts grow weaker until the slow beats turn to eventual silence.

peter's legs almost give out and harley has to support his weight to prevent him from falling. he tells peter to breathe with him.

If Peter were able to make his head work right now—if he were able to reconnect the wires that go from his brain to his mouth—he would say something along the lines of, I can’t. He would say, I’m tired. I’m so tired that breathing feels like too much work. I’m sad, and I’m exhausted, and sometimes I wish I didn’t have to keep going. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t the one who had the responsibility to always keep moving on. I can’t move on anymore. There’s too much, and there’s always more, and I can’t do it. As it is, he just forces an inhale that’s heavy and shaky and painful, and he lets it out, somehow— And he sobs.

harley keeps hugging him - "each touch so gentle, like he's afraid of peter breaking beneath his fingertips." peter tries to breathe in but it comes out via crying before he's able to really make it work. he tries to hold his breath to make it stop, but harley tells him that crying isn't a bad thing and he thinks peter needs to let it out

"a live wire - exposed, raw, agonizing." peter doesn't understand why harley and harry and gwen care about him but they do and harley is hugging him "and peter is a ticking time bomb with three seconds left on the clock." harley says that it's okay to need to let it out like this.

"tick. tick. tick. time's up."

peter's legs properly give out this time and harley manages to lower them to the floor "with no complaint, just murmured reassurances and soft sounds and gentle words" that peter can't really hear while feeling so overwhelmed.

He’s got his forehead pressed to Harley’s shoulder still, and Harley is not only holding him close, but Peter thinks that Harley might just be holding him together—thinks that, if it weren’t for the arms around him, he’d crumble, drift into ash the same way he did the day he died. Pieces. Dust. Gone, completely. It hurts. God, it hurts. He lets the pain overwhelm him.

lol can you tell how proud i am of this chapter based on the fact that i've included three snippets from the opening scene alone?

eventually peter starts to dissociate. "the pain is still there, under the surface, but it feels out of reach and misplaced and no longer directly attached to him, at least for now." he stops crying and starts tryig to catch his breath as he feels himself become dull and vacant. he thinks it might be shock or "if he emptied himself and there's nothing left" and he only realizes that harley has moved both of them from the floor once he's already sitting at one of the booths. he can kind of hear harley talking to him but it takes his brain a few moments to realize what he's saying.

harley asks how peter is feeling. peter just shakes his and harley says that he'd take peter somewhere (his apartment, the dorms) but his shift doesn't end until 5:45 am. he asks if it's okay to call harry. peter wants to say no, already upset with himself for not just locking himself in his apartment to deal with this alone, but those instincts to keep himself secluded are just as far away as everything else is in his state of dissociation. he thinks about harry being his friend and being someone he trusts. he agrees because in his current headspace he would rather seek comfort than sink back into the seclusion he's been forcing himself into,

harley says he's going to call harry, that it might take a few tries because harry is probably asleep but he's calling. peter is latching onto the feeling of one of harley's hands on his arm and onto the sound of harley calling harry to try and stay tethered to reality. even with him trying to hold onto it, the conversation still floats in and out and he only manages to capture snippets. when the call is over, peter has only heard about 20 words from the entire thing, but he does hear harley tell him afterwards saying that harry's getting a cab and is on his way.

peter tries to say thank you. he isn't sure if any actual sound comes out, but harley understands anyways.

Thankfully, he does a good enough job for Harley to understand, because it’s only a second or two later that he sees Harley go loose in the shoulders and nod, just slightly. “Yeah,” he says softly. “Of course. It’s… I said I’m here, didn’t I? This is what I meant, that I’d be here if you needed someone. I’m happy to do it.” There’s a pause, and Peter isn’t sure why he’s latching onto Harley’s words so clearly and coherently now when he wasn’t able to comprehend the phone call all that well, but he just decides to take what he can get and listens with rapt attention as Harley amends, “Well, not happy—I’m not happy that you’re struggling with this and all—ya’ know, all fucked up and definitely in need of some medical attention, but… I want to be here. I want to be the person that helps and takes care of the people I care about.” Peter thinks that there’s something to unpack there—especially since the implication of him being one of the people that Harley cares about is enough to make tears burn behind his eyes and a lump form in his throat so suddenly that it almost scares him—but he’s tired and even this is taking up more energy than he thinks he has to give. Giving in to the exhaustion that’s pulling at him from all directions, he just lets out a hum and unceremoniously slumps forward without warning, letting his eyes fall shut once more. Not asleep, but cutting the strings, he thinks—letting the tension bleed out of him all at once and melting. The world goes quiet again, and he lets it.

i'm only putting a bullet point here because i can't figure out how to recap the next short snippet scene so i'm just gonna put it here but don't want it to look connected to the last snippet lol

Awareness comes and goes like the ocean’s tide. He kind of knows when Harry gets there, and he kind of knows when two sets of hands help him to his feet and guide him into biting cold air. He kind of understands it when familiar voices murmur apologies and he kind of recognizes the fact that he’s being put in the backseat of a car, but it’s still too far away for him to fully understand. “You’re starting to scare me,” he thinks he hears at one point, though he can’t really narrow down if it’s before or after someone’s helped him out of the car and he’s ended up laying down in what he’s ninety-nine percent sure is someone else's bed. He also isn’t sure who says it, or what they’re talking about, or if they’re even talking to him, but he’s still pretty sure that he hears it, which is the most important part.

peter falls asleep. when he wakes up again, he doesn't open his eyes and sort of drifts into consciousness until sound processes in his brain and he hears harley and harry talking over him. harry is aggravated because harley won't tell him the things he knows that harry doesn't (peter having no family left, today being the anniversary of may's death) because harley doesn't want to betray harry's trust. harry says he doesn't understand what's happening and he's freaking out because he doesn't know why peter is so hurt or what's going on.

harry asks if it's someone from home, if peter's actually sharing his apartment with someone who's hurting him. harley says he doesn't know why peter is beaten and bloodied and bruised, which harry doesn't fully believe. he says he doesn't understand why harley thinks hiding things is going to help peter. harley says he doesn't understand why harry thinks harley telling him is going to help, either.

harry says he can't do anything if he doesn't know what's happening and "how am i supposed to be here for him if i don't know what's wrong?" which harley quickly counters with "how is he ever going to trust either one of us again if i decide to tell you what i know?"

(hint: they're both right.)

harry points out that peter didn't get upset when they tracked down his address and harley points out that the risk was worth it then because none of them had seen peter in days after he showed up to late night with blood on his hands, but this time peter is with them and they can see him and when peter wakes up they can try to talk to him about it - "but i'm not betraying his trust and telling you the stuff he's told me. that's not my place, harry. you know that."

harry speaks up, muttering, "yeah, i know. i just..."

"yeah," harley says. "yeah. me, too."

(hint: that unfinished sentence will be explained later in the series, both harry's intended meaning as well as harley's interpretation, which may or may not be the same thing.)

peter waits long enough to make it not seem like he overheard their conversation before pretending to have just woken up. as soon as he does, harley is immediately by his side. peter feels guilty when he hears and sees how worried him and harry are. there’s pain in his side when he tries to take a deep breath, which makes him wince. harley is very alert and asks if peter has any big injuries that they should be worried about. peter shakes his head and tries to sit up while wrapping an arm around his ribs, but harley and harry both notice.

peter says that it’s fine. harry goes to grab peter a bottle of water when peter brings a hand up to his throat, which is hurting a lot due to his emotional outburst earlier. harry starts to say that it’s not fine, but harley tries to cut in and tells him to stop.

harry pushes forward anyway and says “why should i? i’m looking at one of the only friends i have literally ever made and he looks like someone tried to kill him and he—he’s telling me that it’s fine? it’s not fucking fine, peter!”

peter takes the bottle of water and gives himself a minute while sipping at it. he isn’t sure what he wants to say, but also harry is catching his breath after his little outburst so maybe they both just need a moment before continuing.

there’s also the lingering grief. he hasn’t forgotten that it’s the one year mark of may’s death, he’s just trying to not think about it right this second. “the fact is lingering on the edges of his mind like a nightmare clinging to the outskirts of his vision, and he tries to act like it isn’t as noticeable as it really is as he lets out a haggard sort of sigh, resigns himself to his fate, and lowers the water bottle to his lap.”

he decides to talk about some of it because he thinks there’s no reason for him not to disclose at least a little bit, especially since harley already knows these specific things and both harry and harley are very obviously super worried so peter might as well open the door a little bit

“just enough for them to feel like he’s really letting them in, and hopefully won’t continue to worry themselves into their own early graves. peter refuses to think about the fact that letting himself open up, even just this small, tiny bit will only lead to him wanting to open up more, and more, and more—that he’s only giving himself a taste of allowing himself the companionship and comfort he’s been depriving himself of for a year.”

he starts by saying that he was orphaned when he was a kid. harry chokes on his breath and harley looks sad. peter goes on to say that he was four when his parents died and he went to live with his aunt and uncle, but then his uncle died less than two years later when getting involved when someone was robbing a store.

“fuck,” harry hisses, staggers backward until the backs of his knees hit the edge of the bed across the room and he can heavily sit down. he plants his elbows on his thighs, buries his face into his palms—muffles another curse there.

(hint: harry’s feelings in this moment will also be explored later in the series!)

peter says that it was only him and may for a long time, but at one point a guy came into his life that was like a role model/mentor who became more like a dad to him (tony, wbut he doesn’t say tony’s name) but then he turned to dust in his arms and he lived five years without peter and then he died the day that everyone came but, so it was just him and may again

harley tells peter that he doesn’t have to say it, knowing what comes next, but peter thinks that he needs to say it out loud in order to confront the reality of it in a calmer, better way, so he tells harry that a year ago today may was murdered and that he could have done something but wasn’t able to save her. he ends by saying that he doesn’t really have anyone else.

while harry takes a minute to process, harley asks if he can grab his first aid kit to try and help peter a bit. peter is about to say he’s fine but he’s pretty sure that if he says it again then harley might decide to side with harry on taking him to the hospital. plus his healing is still incredibly slow so getting patched up would probably help. though reluctant, he agrees.

harry gets up while harley is grabbing the first aid kit and asks what happened and peter isn't sure how to respond, but settles on saying that he wanted to try to save people. when harley asks for clarification, peter says "i wanted to make sure other kids got to wake up knowing their family members made it home safe"

harley asks "how many did you save?" and peter says "enough" because may taught him that even if he feels he could have done more, sometimes just doing your best has to be enough too. he doesn't usually believe it, but with today because the anniversary of her death, he thinks it's important to try to believe it now.

harley says that peter is gonna have to take his shirt off so that they can check his ribs because peter has had an arm around them since waking up. peter tries to say he's fine but harley doesn't budge and peter, though reluctant because of his scars, agrees. he takes off his shirt and assumes that harley's gasp is because of the scars, but then harley asks, "did you get fucking stabbed?"

peter genuinely doesn't remember the ways that he was injured while patrolling and says that he might have, to which harley laughs borderline hysterically and says "i think i'm going to pass out" which i just think is funny lmao

gwen texts peter at about 6:30 am. she says that she doesn't know what's going on because harry had her go back to her dorm after harley's call. harry's been texting her vague updates but hasn't responded in a bit so she's assuming peter is awake now.she doesn't press for information, just says that she hopes that he's okay and that she's going to go buy some comfort food for when he's ready, and that she's still got the sprite she saved for him, too.

“I just used my first aid kit on you,” Harley tells him, arms crossed over his chest and brows raised high on his face, head tilted slightly to the side. “Literally all of it. Like, the entire thing, Peter. I’m convinced I’m going to need to buy, like, five or six of ‘em just out of precaution.” “Please don’t say that,” Harry says, now sitting on his bed again and wearing a fresh hoodie with his head leaning back against the wall. “I don’t want to think about needing all of those.”

harry and harley insist on skipping their classes. peter says that they don't have to and that he should probably go back to his apartment anyway, to which harry says that if peter wants to go to his apartment then that's fine but that they're not gonna let peter be alone today. peter asks "what if i want to be alone?"

harry says that peter was already alone and got severely injured and that if peter tries it again then he's going to end up in the ICU with another stab wound. peter says he wouldn't call it a stab wound, harley asks what peter would call it then, and peter says "a scratch. from a sharp thing. that might have... gone in. a little."

harley says that if peter really wants to be alone then he'll respect that, but he's pretty sure it's not what peter really wants and says that unless peter can look him in the eyes and say with enough certainty to make harley believe him that he wants to be alone, harley's staying right where he is.

For a moment, Peter lets himself ponder over how to respond—looks down at his phone as he fiddles with it in his hands, thinks about the texts from Gwen that he hasn’t responded to and admits to himself that Harley has a pretty strong point here. Peter doesn’t want to be alone. When half delirious with grief in the café, he’d accepted Harry being called because he didn’t want to be alone. He hasn’t forced his exit from their dorm yet because he doesn’t want to be alone. Hell, he probably went to the café in the first place while half delirious because he didn’t want to be alone. That much is pretty obvious. But he doesn’t want to spend the whole day pretending it isn’t what it really is. A year ago, May died. He kneeled beside her in the rubble of Happy’s apartment building and he listened to her heart stop, he can’t sit here and spend the rest of the day pushing away her memory and acting like the pain of it isn’t still consuming him the way it was earlier, the way it did in order to send him spiraling into that half delirious state. If he’s going to accept the company, he’s going to have to keep accepting the comfort—even more than he’s already gotten, because he’s not going to ignore May’s memory on the anniversary of her murder. It's easier than it should be to allow himself to have that.

peter suggests he goes back to his apartment for an hour or two so that he has time to take a shower and have a little bit of time to himself, and then after an hour or two harley harry and gwen can come over. "and... i don't know. i don't know what i'll want to do, or should do, or need to do, but if you want to be there, then - sure. yeah. you can be there."

he also suggests this so that he has time to clean his apartment of spidey evidence. harry and harley agree and peter says thank you, to which harry says, "for bandaging your stab wound without calling an ambulance? yeah, we're the best friends in the world. you're totally welcome." i love harry so much.

peter replies to gwen's texts telling her that he's going back to his apartment and that she can come over with harley and harry in an hour or two if she wants. he says that he wants her there if she wants to be there. as a separate text, he sends a heart (<3), implying the afterthought and the hesitance of sending it before deciding to do so. it's a very small stupid detail but it makes me very happy.

when his friends are at his apartment, peter brings out The Box. gwen asks what's in it and peter says that it's whatever he has left. gwen asks peter to tell them about may. peter is hesitant but all three of them look curious, look like they want to learn about whatever peter is willing to tell them, and opening The Box feels a lot less scary when it's with the context of telling them what's inside of it.

he tells them that may was the best and opens the box. at the top is a picture of him with may and ben a few months after his parents died. it was his first birthday without his parents. they all have cheap plastic party hats and there's cake on peter's face.

Seeing Ben is a bittersweet thing, like it’s always been—a reminder of a person that Peter could have grown up with, another family member that he never got to know, that he barely even remembers. The man has a warm smile in this photo, kind eyes, and a sweatshirt that Peter actually still has. His arm is propped on the back of Peter’s chair and he looks a little tired, but he looks happy, looks content, looks like he has an entire life ahead of him that he's ready to live and looking forward to experiencing. May is on Peter’s other side in the picture, features bright and grin wide, crinkles by her eyes with the force of it. One of her arms is wrapped around little Peter’s shoulders, the other brought up to pinch his cheeks, scrunching up his features in a way that has him mid-laugh. Even when his parents were alive, May was his best friend. She was his aunt, and his favorite person, and, when life dealt him the cards they decided to deal him, she became his mother. “She was better than the best, I think,” Peter corrects, smiling softly as tears burn the backs of his eyes. He hands the picture to Gwen and reaches into the box for another.

his friends don't leave until after sunset and after peter insists on wanting to be alone for the rest of the night. he locks the door, takes his suit out from under his bed and puts his investigation board back up, but he doesn't go out for patrol.

"instead, he packs up the box and puts it away."

(hint: the emotional significance of the capitalization is something i am very proud of. it starts as The Box - a daunting, scary thing that weighs him down even when it's hidden under his bed, a heavy reminder of everything and everyone he has lost. by the end of this chapter, it's just the box - the one with memories and snippets of his family, of his loved ones. it's still heavy, but it isn't an overwhelming source of anxiety and guilt and overwhelming grief. he ripped the band-aid off by showing his friends what's inside and the importance of the box is not lost, but the intimidating factor is. it's a subtle sign of peter actually starting to process his grief in a way that isn't self-destructive and self-isolating. it's a step towards healing.)

he goes to sleep because he thinks, if may is out there in some kind of afterlife, she'd want him to get some rest after a long and heavy day.

"he dreams of people who have died and wonders if they miss him, too."

on monday in class, harry brings up thanksgiving because he now knows that peter doesn't have anyone to spend the holidays with and he asks if peter would want to come to his house to spend it with him and his mom.

“Oh. Um.” Peter blinks once. His only other plans were to go out as Spider-Man, but Harry’s from New York, from the suburbs, apparently, so Peter could probably still fit it in, and the concept sounds kind of nice. Like, the idea of spending the holiday not by himself. With a friend. That would be… good. Plus, Harry spent all of Friday with Harley and Gwen dedicating his time to Peter. To patching him up and comforting him and not judging how much of a mess he was, how much of a mess he turned into as the day went on and he sank further and further into his grief again. Peter feels like he owes it to all of them to… he isn’t sure what the right words for it are, but he feels like he needs to be trying. All of his talk about keeping them all at arm's length? That’s out the window. But he’s going to protect them, and he’s going to do a better job than he ever did before because he refuses to fail again. And he owes it to them, after the hours and the effort and the care they put into him on Friday, to try harder for them.

peter agrees to go and harry gets really excited and says that he's pretty sure his mom is going to adopt peter on sight because harry's bad at making friends and has been waiting for this moment his entire life. peter thanks him for inviting him.

when he looks up, harry's gone all soft in his features as he looks at peter, still smiling but no longer beaming as wide as before, everything smoothed out into something tinged with the smallest hint of sadness but not in a way that makes peter want to crawl out of his skin. "of course," he says. "i think you're my best friend, you know that? you and harley and gwen. i'm pretty sure that i'd do anything for you guys."

starting with chapter one - i'm so tired of being afraid

word count: 7,535 (7,515 without the chapter lyrics at the start)

chapter song: six by sleeping at last

chapter lyrics:

what would it feel like to put this baggage down? if i'm being honest i'm not sure i'd know how

recap + lines i felt were important enough to jot down:

peter moves into his new apartment (december 2024)

peter needs to be alone

"when he's alone, there's no one to let down but himself."

peter looks up norman, otto, max, flint, and curt as a precaution now that he knows they turned into villains in the other worlds

"and karen not knowing him feels a lot like losing another friend."

he includes peter 2 and peter 3 in his suit design to honor them and remind himself that, even if he is alone in his world, he isn't alone in the universe.

raimi spidey emblem on his chest:

and tasm spidey emblem on his back:

actually just this whole section feels very important to me so i'm going to copy and paste it right here:

also may's line from right before ben died, which peter later tells harley about when telling harley the truth about his life:

“You stupid Parker men,” May had scoffed. “Way too selfless for your own good.”

peter spends new years eve alone (new years, 2024) and watches the fireworks while thinking about the other peter's not being alone before going back to patrol.

"part of him wonders how drastic a change it really is - wonders if, maybe, the scars will stop fading away. for some reason, that's the thought that makes him feel sick to his stomach."

fun fact: this injury is the one that peter tells harley about in chapter 15 when harley is asking about some of peter's scars.

i will be reblogging with the chapter two recap shortly

#homeward bound fic

18 notes · View notes