thunderheadfred

[thunderheadfred]

#I was raised by a BPD mom who was emotionally abusive and an autistic/ADHD dad who was too emotionally abused to parent sometimes #dad and I have come a long way but mom……… yeah I keep her at arm’s length #we’re healthier than we’ve ever been but I don’t really have a mother figure #my mother in law was also raised by an abusive BPD mom #so at least there’s some comraderie in looking over to her like ‘same hat’ #but yeah just constant gaslighting and screaming at me because she had a bad day at work or literally anything #had to work through emotional hypervigilance in therapy #I’m literally hardwired to assume responsibility for everyone else’s problems #like in group therapy #’ah this person experienced A B and C’ #‘somehow this is my fault for not being there to stop it before I ever met them’

[thunderheadfred]

Doubling up my sertraline dose for this last trimester and postpartum, on the recommendation of the midwives. I do think I've been feeling the new imbalance over the last few weeks especially. Extra weight and blood volume means that the low starter dose I've been on for years just isn't cutting it anymore. I've been doing so well with my capital-D Depression for the last few years, I sort of forgot what this lack felt like. Today I said to my partner, that even after having a spiritual awakening or whatever the fuck happened to me last summer, I still have to recognize my physical body has this chemical imbalance. The inherited biological wackiness of my brain is not magically fixed by wisdom or meditation or... really much of anything except a re-balancing of chemicals that it fails to produce on its own. I can help that along holistically with diet and other habits to reinforce a healthier hormone balance, but the majority of the weight is pulled by a single tiny pill. It's good to remind myself of this, and to remember to take the damn pills so you can remember why life is worth living???

#it's good that I have years of experience #so that now I can recognize Depression from miles away #before it gets so bad that digging back out is its own mountain to climb #now it's just... “oh the brain is doing the sick thing time to adjust the Medicine” #whether that's literal prescription medication or more sunlight or better food or time with plants and animals... there are many helpers #but the drugs are very important and I must not forget #I'm dwelling on this because with my mental health history I'm rightly paranoid about an extreme postpartum relapse #and I don't want to perpetuate the abuse that was done to me by mentally ill parents #so #a lot of self checking #fred is pregnant

[thunderheadfred]

I've been a real whiner lately, which usually means I need to spend more time outdoors with plants. The tree that was split by the harsh winter freezes has started blooming before all the others, as if in defiance of its injury. Its leaves will shade the area over my rocking chair, where I will nurse my baby later this summer. I'm grateful for it teaching me strength and resilience.

My seedlings are all doing well; I've had nearly 100% germination with my indoor starts. This week I started hardening them off outside. My direct sown seeds have been covered for these last few spring freezes, and seem to be coming along. So far, the radishes, arugula, and spinach are popping up. I'm grateful for them teaching me excitement and innocence.

The biggest sprout of all - baby - is also growing nicely. She's active and healthy, doing everything according to schedule. Even if I've been struggling, I'm eternally grateful none of that has gotten into her little seed pod. Only a few more months until we can all see her blooming in the sunshine. I'm grateful for her teaching me patience and the deep love of Creation.

💚☀️💚

#fred grows #fred is pregnant

[thunderheadfred]

meanwhile, regarding my 2nd struggle class (5 credits, a huge component of my major, something I Actually Really Care About) things couldn't possibly be more different.

I was trying to negotiate some kind of official extension or incompletion contract ala University Bureaucratic Standards, but my instructor got back to me and he basically said, "I believe you will do the work over the summer and I want you to progress into the next class. I'm assuming you'll keep up with the same level of effort you've always shown me, so I'm giving you an A"

Immediately after getting his email I sobbed for half an hour just because he's such a kind and wonderful human fucking being

I finally caved and admitted to myself that I can't complete one of my courses this semester. Actually, the teacher (a very kind and understanding person) gently suggested my best option was to withdraw, and I finally agreed. I've been fine with two of my classes, but two other ones, including this one, have just completely fallen behind. Moving, not-moving, pregnancy leaving me bedridden for like two months at the height of seasonal depression, COVID taking me all the way out... it got to me.

Anyway, turns out I'm past the withdrawal deadline! because of course I am!!!! I just submitted a one-time late withdrawal request, but have no idea if I already used this up TEN YEARS AGO when i was first trying to get my undergrad??? So if admin denies that request, I have to get COLLEGE SCHOLARSHIP BOARD approval??? God fuck I don't want to go through all that. please just let me drop this one 2-credit half semester course so I can frantically catch up on the one class I actually care about fucking hellllll

#bureaucracy vs. human beings #fucking hell #someone being like “hey actually focus on your pregnancy i believe in you 100%” just... what... #I'm not used to being treated like a Person???

[thunderheadfred]

oh my god they're going to make me petition and submit medical documents to drop a 2 credit online course i want to die

I finally caved and admitted to myself that I can't complete one of my courses this semester. Actually, the teacher (a very kind and understanding person) gently suggested my best option was to withdraw, and I finally agreed. I've been fine with two of my classes, but two other ones, including this one, have just completely fallen behind. Moving, not-moving, pregnancy leaving me bedridden for like two months at the height of seasonal depression, COVID taking me all the way out... it got to me.

Anyway, turns out I'm past the withdrawal deadline! because of course I am!!!! I just submitted a one-time late withdrawal request, but have no idea if I already used this up TEN YEARS AGO when i was first trying to get my undergrad??? So if admin denies that request, I have to get COLLEGE SCHOLARSHIP BOARD approval??? God fuck I don't want to go through all that. please just let me drop this one 2-credit half semester course so I can frantically catch up on the one class I actually care about fucking hellllll

#and I still haven’t heard from my other teacher about doing an extension or something #fucking meltdown panic I feel so stupid

[thunderheadfred]

Update: I passed. No gestational diabetes, hooray! They're also adjusting my meds. Double hooray!

I have to get up early tomorrow for a 3-hour trip to the birth center for glucose testing, and obviously I don't want to do that because who would? so I started to say to my partner, "will you bribe me out of bed tomorrow with some breakfast?" only to catch myself mid-sentence. Like, betch. It's a fucking fasting glucose test. You can't have a lovingly-toasted bagel first.

#fred is pregnant #fred is fucking tired of glucose chug is what fred is

[thunderheadfred]

WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY? GREATEST HITS of WESTERNS

#these two are the landlords of all the things that live in my brain rent-free #whose line is it anyway

[thunderheadfred]

I have to get up early tomorrow for a 3-hour trip to the birth center for glucose testing, and obviously I don't want to do that because who would? so I started to say to my partner, "will you bribe me out of bed tomorrow with some breakfast?" only to catch myself mid-sentence. Like, betch. It's a fucking fasting glucose test. You can't have a lovingly-toasted bagel first.

#goddammit #not only do I have to fast #I have to drink that horrible fucking sugar drink that makes you feel sick as hell. AGAIN. #and then just... sit there for three hours #getting repeatedly stabbed #ugghhgghghsahdg;dg;asfj;asf #fred is pregnant

[thunderheadfred]

some of you didn't learn touch-typing on an Apple IIGS in the crumbling basement of a 100-year-old middle school that also doubled as a designated WWII bomb shelter and it shows

#partner sent me a picture of a keyboard and I went down a mental rabbithole lol #schools these days don't have enough aspestos I tell you #don't get me wrong that basement was awesome I loved typing class #I am stupid fast at typing and eternally grateful #kids who bought Mavis Beacon games to use at home for fun raise their hands

[thunderheadfred]

what is Bonnie thinking? wrong answers only

#bonnie #what is this face lmao

[thunderheadfred]

I finally caved and admitted to myself that I can't complete one of my courses this semester. Actually, the teacher (a very kind and understanding person) gently suggested my best option was to withdraw, and I finally agreed. I've been fine with two of my classes, but two other ones, including this one, have just completely fallen behind. Moving, not-moving, pregnancy leaving me bedridden for like two months at the height of seasonal depression, COVID taking me all the way out... it got to me.

Anyway, turns out I'm past the withdrawal deadline! because of course I am!!!! I just submitted a one-time late withdrawal request, but have no idea if I already used this up TEN YEARS AGO when i was first trying to get my undergrad??? So if admin denies that request, I have to get COLLEGE SCHOLARSHIP BOARD approval??? God fuck I don't want to go through all that. please just let me drop this one 2-credit half semester course so I can frantically catch up on the one class I actually care about fucking hellllll

#do not let me do another semester without ADHD accomodations #all of you are personally allowed to show up in my DMs and bonk me with a wrapping paper tube #“FRED. DID YOU TALK ABOUT GETTING ADHD ACCOMODATIONS NEXT SEMESTER OR ARE YOU PROCRASTINATING” #“FRED GET BACK HERE”

[thunderheadfred]

#if they're not romanceable I will find them #doing this in several otome games is really me at the height of being a Dumbass for Unromanceable Characters tbh

[thunderheadfred]

saw a poll about dry/humid heat and like OBVIOUSLY everyone preferred dry heat but. would love to know what everyone considers to be “too hot”

me personally it’s a hard cutoff at 75°F. don’t need anything more than that thank you 🫶🫶🫶

#80-90 is okay as long as I have lots of water #either to drink or get wet in #and sunscreen #but I am a big lizard who wants to lay on a rock all day and have slushees brought to me by my cute pool boy husband so #take that as you will

[thunderheadfred]

I never measured my highest weight (and also I’m not here to body shame anybody, including myself) but I did lose a largish amount a while back by changing my habits for the healthier. Knowing I might need roomy pants during pregnancy, I saved a pair of jeans from when I was at my heaviest. Now, nearly at week 30, they’re still too big?? Bodies are wild. For clarity this is not me being like “ewww so fat” about me then or now. More like, amazed that my body is apparently made of silly putty and can just arbitrarily decide to be whatever the fuck size it feels like, just so long as my pants are never, ever comfortable.

#and if anyone cares how I lost weight it was just healthy intermittent fasting and sugar elimination #that’s it. #made a huge difference to my mood and inflammation also #which were even more important than the weight imho

[thunderheadfred]

I talk about IKEA a weird amount over here, which is funny to me because I don't actually shop there THAT often; maybe once or twice a year because we live nearby. IKEA is like my expensive adult LEGO indulgence I guess. We can afford a big new piece of furniture from them like once every few years (or sometimes an entire kitchen lol) and I get to go nuts and put it all together, and my reward is not only the fun of building a thing, but also having a decent, sturdy piece of furniture that just works and looks clean and does the thing it's supposed to do.

I enjoy this. I have never struggled to assemble IKEA furniture. I guess my brain just works in IKEA diagrams, I don't know. I watch videos where people complain about putting together a basic set of drawers and I'm like. RIP to that guy, I'm built different I guess. (perhaps built by IKEA)

I just assumed everyone could easily assemble flat-pack furniture??? That everyone enjoys knolling the parts and reading the instructions front to back before starting and making faces at the dumb IKEA cartoon man when he tries to do a team lift alone.

The only part of IKEA I don't like is actually going into the IKEA, because it's always crowded in there and someone's kid is always having a meltdown and the parents are always lost and can't escape. Meanwhile I just want to perpetually browse the marketplace for $1 soap dispensers and toilet brushes and tupperware and cheap seasonal wall art.

[thunderheadfred]

#my ancestors #lmfao

[thunderheadfred]

I haven't been painting my nails while pregnant just on the off chance that the chemicals would do harm to baby, also I had an existential crisis after learning about drop-shippers like TEMU where I got most of my "cheap" supplies and needed to re-evaluate the ethics of my hobby, also I'm just too fucking tired to care about it.

We're in the grueling process of rearranging the entire house to build a grandpa apartment downstairs and compressing the two upstairs bedrooms into combined spaces for master bedroom/partner office and baby room/my office.

Point is, my nail polish has all been stored in a giant industrial metal desk that came out of an insurance agency, and that desk is WAYYYY too big to share space with baby furniture, so it's got to go. I've been looking at the best storage options for my nail crap, because it's always been a bit of a mess and I very much want to be able to access it all later for self-care days.

So. I thought I had a lot of nail stuff. Like, oh no, I might need to buy a whole 30" tall rolling IKEA cabinet for it. One furniture-worth seems like an excessive amount to me. I mean, I have enough nail stuff that I started a YouTube channel about it (sort of)

Turns out... after looking up "best ways to store nail polish" I uhhhh have a very entry-level amount, apparently????

Not gonna call out any specific creators because this shit is ubiquitous in post-instagram hyper-consumerism, but wow consumer culture is insane and some people scare me lolololol

#GIRL WHAT ARE YOU DOING #no one needs that much nail polish #I say this as someone who likes nail polish way too much #it's all gonna go bad???????????? #why #I legitimately know SALON OWNERS who don't have this much nail polish #you need therapy #fred’s nails