I Know I’m A Wolf - Young Heretics
My teeth may be sharp, and I’ve been raised to kill
But the thought of fresh meat, it is making me ill
So I’m telling you that you’ll be safe with me
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“From the sea’s floor my heart sets sail. My eyes remember oceans.”
— Adonis, from The Crow’s Feather: I (tr. by Samuel Hazo)
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“With my black love I have sullied the sun…”
— Osip Mandelstam, from “How the splendour of these veils” (tr. by James Greene)
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“Is there a particular reason that you’re bleeding out on my bedroom floor?”
“Well its a little too cold to be bleeding out outside.”
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harry almost expected carlos to argue, to resist, to make more claims guided by little more than guilt and panic than rational thought but he didn't and harry smiled as he rubbed his thumb over the shell of carlos' ear. ❝ good. ❞ harry said, and he lowered his hand from carlos' face, down to his shoulder, then the length of his arm before he grasped his hand.
all the while, carlos drank in what was left of his mother's body. a bloodied mess that would stay a smear on the floor until harry dealt with it. for now, harry tugged carlos away from the bloody scene, led him back into the tunnels beneath the isle. ❝ to the ship. we'll clean you up and you'll stay the night. ❞ better that carlos sleep off the low that would come from the act somewhere no one would look for him. and while he slept, harry would rid the isle of another corpse.
❝ then, wherever you want, ❞ harry said, glancing back at carlos as he said it. auradon would always be the home of the enemy in harry's eyes, but to carlos it was something else. a safe haven, a place of freedom, maybe even a home. there was no reason he couldn't go back.
Carlos cared. God, Carlos cared. It was disgusting that Carlos cared. Whatever came over him to do this, that had snapped clearly. The haze was gone. Carlos was overthinking again, rather than thinking clearly and simply. He looked down, and then back to Harry, leaning into the other.
"Okay," he said sounding tired, but following Harry's lead. Trust in Harry was well placed. Carlos knew this because he knew Harry. For whatever dance that was their relationship it relied on trust. Trust that Carlos didn't necessarily put with others. Harry was in a class all on his own.
He looked at Harry, and then let his eyes drift over to his mother, to Cruella. She always did have an affinity for a red accent. This was more than an accent. He looked back to Harry, remembering things again. This whole thing was very weird. Their was the catharsis, the coming down from adrenaline that had him tired, there was apprehension as to what happens next. "Where are we gonna go?" he asked, the unasked question ever present. Can I go back to Auradon?"
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all at once she was awake, recoiling from them with eyes wide and breath caught in her throat. he could still feel the warmth of her shoulder against his palm as he raised his hand, palm facing her as if to calm a wild thing. she glanced at him, eyes filled with turmoil, but she focused on henry. it wasn't a dismissal, harry didn't think allie would know how to dismiss anyone on purpose but it was a clear enough signal that his presence wouldn't make the next part any easier.
harry shifted as if to stand but henry's hand on his arm stopped him. there was a moment of frustration, a desire to pull away, create distance if not leave entirely but that would have been the cowards way out. he made his bed, he had to sleep in it. harry settled into the corner as he lowered his hand, the hull of the ship against his back and he made himself still, he made himself small and he made himself quiet. all things he had learned early in life revisited.
he listened to henry's explanation, a poetic rendition of winter and what came after, a cycle certainly but one with seasons that ended eventually. harry watched henry as he spoke, and he kept allie's trembling shape in his peripheral vision. she had made herself small as well, hiding her face in her hands and he wanted to pull them away, hold her face, make her look at him, at them. he swallowed the urge. he had nothing to say, no gentle assurances or poetic metaphors, and even if he did have something to say, he worried his voice would only scare her more. so he said nothing, and he waited.
the voices kept on, hushed little things that slowly became clearer. the fuzz faded out and allie wasn’t thinking about the words. but she did know what they meant. a voice she knew, bright through the darkness. there was a name, and she knew it. warmth against what had become cold, it was safe. they were different from what she had been shrinking away from. and she settled. for a moment, a calm heart. but then there were hands. and she wasn’t ready for that.
they took the shape of … scary. scary like the edge of the dream that was being wiped away from her eyes. they took the shape of what she had been dreaming about before they’d found her. then, she remembered. it wasn’t dreaming, was it? allie jumps away from them, flinches far enough that it wakes her up. really, this time. startled, bones quivering like a deer. even sitting, which she was, somehow, even if she wasn’t sure how she’d got there, that fast. she noticed how dizzy she was, how hard it was to breathe, the world was spinning a little, even through her sorrow. it made it hard to focus, for it to be real. it still feels like she’s waking, even when she’s sitting right up.
when she blinks her eyes, huge with the wild, ever changing storm of all of her emotions, the room clears up and becomes familiar. the nightmare that had clung to the walls had faded, but her heart wouldn’t slow down its rapid, fearful beating. she sees harry, she sees henry, and she can feel the respective little waves of shock and sorrow- the sorrow and the deep yearning for something that she can no longer have -but they don’t quite register in the way that they’re meant to.
but allie wasn’t supposed to be so scared, she knew that, and she couldn’t help it. she felt like an afraid, quivering little bird in the warm, warm hands of someone she could trust. she could trust henry, and she holds onto that, because all the harry thoughts are as uncertain as...
even while she’s floating, strangely, she feels the flicker of her eyes to harry, and then away, but she looks at henry. she might’ve said his name, the leftover sleep shading over her. the fairy girl, delayed, lets his words wrap her right up, warm and soft and right. the world stays, the ground, the sky. she listens to that. but, oh, her mother was everything. the moment passes, and she feels another heavy, heavy wave hit her, brought right back up from where it had been hiding. the crying, she can feel, and she can feel the guilt and shame and all of the awfulness coming right back. her shaking hands go to cover her teary face, and she’s too busy drowning in her head to look anymore.
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