tired-of-living-life

[tired-of-living-life]

I think i’d rather feel numb than care at all.

Caring is so fucking exhausting.

Should i be heartless so i don’t get hurt?

Is this how it’s supposed to work?

“It’s great when it’s good, it’s bad when it’s bad”

We’re stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship.

To be honest, i don’t like the way i’ce become. I don’t like how i’m toxic in the relationship and so is he.

What if i just

Stopped?

Karma will do the work for me right? If he cheats, he cheats. If he’s touchy with other people, he’s touchy.

What can i do? His decision.

[tired-of-living-life]

If i try my best and can’t even make my other half feel good, am i really his other half?

I don’t think i should be in a relationship

I don’t think he nor i deserves to feel this shit.

I am really tired

It hurts to be said to your face that he doesn’t even think i care about him when i do almost everything for him even if i’m exhausted.

And maybe he does the same

It doesnt change the fact that we’re both exhausted.

I want someone who loves me way more than i love them

[tired-of-living-life]

He would if he wanted to

[tired-of-living-life]

I noticed that I have lost myself. I used to have confidence in myself in terms of going out and posting in social media. Now i’m just scared. I can’t even post in my dump account because i’m too anxious. I used to post a lot. I used to not give a shit but now i care more. I wish i didn’t.

Some people don’t deserve my love and care but i still give it to them anyway. Though i try to stop myself, i can’t.

But i have to. It’s the only way not to get hurt. I deserve to be cared for. I deserve to be loved. And i deserve to be treated right.

I can’t keep doing this and i also can’t keep letting him hurt me.

How to love a little less? How to care less?

[tired-of-living-life]

I often think I don’t belong in this cruel world we live in. Life can be beautiful but it can also be a depressing hole of darkness. I’m in that hole as weird as that sounds. I’ve been hurt, i’ve hurt and i’m still hurting. I don’t feel content. I don’t feel satisfied. I don’t feel accomplished.

I don’t feel very happy. I became stale and gray. I really badly don’t want to be here. I’m drained by the people i love and the people that love me.

If i could stop and end my life right now, i would and that would make me content.

[tired-of-living-life]

When will this end

[tired-of-living-life]

“For once I need to choose myself, or else I’m going to lose myself.”

— Veronika Jensen

[tired-of-living-life]

god im so tired

[tired-of-living-life]

i dont like being around my family.

all i feel is judged. they always wonder why im so quiet but the time i do talk and say my opinions and how i feel, they call me rude and disrespectful because it doesn’t align with their views. i dont like conflict so i shut up instead even if i often disagree with what they say.

i noticed that when they can’t push me around and control me, they get mad at me.

i feel like i’m trapped and taken control of.

i feel left out by my own family.

i always feel like crying.

i dread being with my family.

they drain me.

part of me wants to close my tear ducts because i can’t control my breakdowns. i can’t stop crying.

i want to stay away so i can have my own voice

but i feel like i’m too far down to find my voice.

[tired-of-living-life]

having to come to terms with the fact that love is not an everlasting performance in which you attempt to retain the attention of your significant other but rather a release of control and putting faith into them and trusting them to choose to stay with you no matter what you have to offer

[tired-of-living-life]

i dont really know what to say. i have trouble opening up and talking to people. every time i talk i feel like im being judged so i end up not talking. im scared pf people. i sweat when i talk to people and i feel my heartbeat when someone asks me a question.

i also know that im in a toxic relationship but i cant leave it. im too attached and hes my best friend. but hes not healthy for me and im not for him. i know if we break up ill be more of a mess than i already am right now.

i dont trust anyone, one of the reasons why i cant open up. i always doubt if theyre telling telling the truth.

he doesnt trust me and i dont trust him.

it started when i saw how touchy he was with other girls in front of my friend and i and since then i couldnt trust him. it doesnt help that my ex cheated on me and it took me a year and a half to get over that.

i finally broke up with him after a week when we got into a big fight. he squeezed my arms so tight and was yelling at me. i had to tell him he was hurting me before he finally let go of my arm. i was tired and scared. i dont like loud noises and he was constantly yelling at me.

after 2 months we got back together.

he doesnt trust me as well because after we broke up i looked for attention from another guy he wasn’t too fond of. was it my fault?

some part of it was because i still talked to him even when broke up.

eventually i told him and he was furious but we still somehow managed to stay together.

im in a relationship without trust. how does that work?

when he goes out, im always on edge. he might be flirting with other girls or touching them how would i know if im not there with him?

a part of me wants to go out and have fun with my girlfriend but i choose to stay with him so i wont have to worry if hes out there being all touchy with girls.

a part of me doesnt enjoy the time i go out because im constantly worrying if hes out being all touchy. he has no personal boundaries and it makes everything worse.

whenever we get into a fight, i express my feelings. in some cases hes in the wrong yet he makes it my fault.

i always end up apologizing when hes the one whos in the wrong.

whenever we fight i hate it. i hate it so much to the point i dont want to feel anything. in order not to feel, i dig my nails into my arm so i can focus on that pain rather than the fight.

its draining to always have to apologize, always being blamed.

because of these constant fights, i end up not opening up to him. im closed more than ever. i result to writing my feelings down just so i wont explode.

i dont feel like myself anymore because i have become so toxic. the absence of trust makes me go crazy when i dont know what hes doing. every second hes out and im not there, i feel like im being cheated all over again. im so toxic to the point i dont want him hanging out with anyone else but me, because in that way, at least hes not cheating or being touchy with other people. that way, i dont have to overthink.

he brought up how i dont talk to him anymore. how could i? how could i talk to him knowing he’ll just blame me and it ends with me apologizing over and over again.

im tired.

he drains me but at the same time makes me feel at ease. how does that work?

at the end of the day hes my best friend and i want to make us work and i know he does too. i dont know what to do. i want to detach myself but if i do, he will too and ill just feel unloved. i dont know what to do. im so tired

all these drain me so much that im always sleeping or having trouble sleeping, none in between. i wake up tired, im in school tired, i go ti bed tired but can’t get restful sleep. i want to have energy, to be wake up happy, not feeling like im trapped in a cage.

my best friends arent too fond of my boyfriend and i always feel the strain whenever hes there in the presence of them.

i want to rewind to the time where i didnt have to overthink, to the time i was a chill girlfriend not a toxic one.

but u cant help myself when im toxic because it drives me crazy i feel so much anger, hurt and hatred boil inside me when he talks to other girls.

[tired-of-living-life]

[tired-of-living-life]

“Maybe well meet again, when we are slightly older and our minds less hectic, and I’ll be right for you and you’ll be right for me. But right now, I am chaos to your thoughts and you are poison to my heart.”

— Unknown

[tired-of-living-life]

"i can't count the reasons i should stay, one by one they all just fade away."

[tired-of-living-life]

i run

i run from the bad dreams

the reality

that chase me

i run

away

from the chaos that surrounds me

[tired-of-living-life]

im scared

august 15 2023

[tired-of-living-life]

i can't let this go i fight with you in my sleep the wound won't close i keep waiting for a sign