to-the-island-of-souls

[to-the-island-of-souls]

Do better

I did a seven-in-a-row (March 8th to March 15th) Feels so good. I slipedeeslipped yesterday but I'm aiming for 14 now (April's fool day).

I can do this. Grateful : _ Tasty healthy food - Patience with my colleagues - Laughing more (according to S.)À - Enjoying video games Haven't lost weight, which is disappointing but I'll focus on sobriety for now. TNM was somehow helpful, but ain't gonna pay for the whole year.

#sober #tw alcohol #tw alcoholism #tw weight

[to-the-island-of-souls]

C'est degueulasse. Lasse .lasse... De lostie de marde.

[to-the-island-of-souls]

I don't know how to break this cycle of intergenerational trauma.

[to-the-island-of-souls]

Last time. It's the last time. I'm 100% fucked.

[to-the-island-of-souls]

For those with more stigmatized mental health issues, immeasurable pain, unbearable emptiness, all-consuming rage, painful loneliness, antisocial thoughts and behaviors, “scary” symptoms like psychosis, low empathy, personality disorders, and other traits that get villainized by society:

I love you. You matter. How you were treated was cruel and you deserve nothing but happiness. You belong in this world and it’s not fair that it has hurt you so much. Better days are ahead. There are people who care. Your reactions to trauma are valid. No one deserves what you went through. You don’t have to go it alone. I care so much about you and you deserve all the love and support in the world.

[to-the-island-of-souls]

This trauma was never adressed before aa it should have been and honestly, I feel that there is so much coming from there.

Thoughtfulness is the way to go.

[to-the-island-of-souls]

Social worker was worried, police and paramedics showed at home friday while I was very ebriated and full of blood from superficial cutting.

Now all my support system inclunding my ex believe I tried to commit suicide. I was getting drunk to prevent suicide... Ugh.

I feel fucking ashamed and guilty.

#tw suicide mention #tw alcoholism #tw suicide attempt

[to-the-island-of-souls]

it's 8:48 and I'm already huffing.

#workday

[to-the-island-of-souls]

80 / 120 hours since sober - 5th day

Depressed. Wanna die. I've never been that good at anything, i'm not nice and not as good looking as I thought. Also fat.

Must write letters to people I love. The end is nigh.

Sucked dick. Went to the groceries. Went for breakfast. Came home with S. If he wasn't there I don't know how I would've made it so long. Went out for light bulbs. Came home for more sex. Huffing. Ate steak. A very good ice cream treat.

Now more depressed. Want more huffing to cope. Hoarding my lorazepam for better purposes.

#alcoolisme #tw alcoholism #alcohol recovery

[to-the-island-of-souls]

44 hours since factual sobriety

85 hours since official day

I feel like absolute useless garbage. I'm emptily motivated for sobriety but I feel I've become stupid, mean, fat and ugly beyond repair. Can't stop crying.

I hope I can find faith in life again

#alcoolisme #alcoholism #addiction recovery

[to-the-island-of-souls]

Plus jamais je ne dois cesser d'écrire. Écrire, parmi tant de choses, c'est ma bouée.

Elle est la clé pour vaincre l'ancre qui me tire vers le bas... Les substances, les obsessions alimentaires, la haine de soir.

Ça doit cesser.

Sur Ativan depuis hier pm. Ma journée officielle c'est 25 octobre mais hier, avant mon rendez-vous, j'ai calé le fond de la bouteille de gin qui restait...

Quelle horreur...

#alcoolisme

[to-the-island-of-souls]

Je pensais que j'étais belle mais, je me rends à l'évidence... Je suis laide comme un pichou.

Au moins je suce bien. Je pourrais me recycler en prostituée I guess?

[to-the-island-of-souls]

I'm not ready to say I'm out of love yet.

But I've just come with the sudden realization that maybe you didn't really want to be with me in the long term with all that implies (the kids).

I feel detached though. I feel the need to protect my heart.

Also, I though I could date another alcoholic and not be triggered but it seems like I might have been wrong.

I fell in love with a man-child again. Oh me....

I hate : - When you talk about those girls you used to say were only fuckfriends but that I found out were not only that; - When you talk about your ex like she's still siting between us; - Your fucking fixation with your cat; - When you brag/show signs of an inflated ego; - That you don't wanna be around me w/ my kids anymore; - That you don't rarely show any signs of affection, still and always emotionally unavailable; - That you're always high and drinking. I LOVE : - Being in bed with you; - Having someone to talk to. You're my only close friend rn; - That you're so quiet, simple and accepting; - You...................... :'(

[to-the-island-of-souls]

My therapist said maybe I shouldn't be in a relationship.

I told her I'd miss it.

She said, then try harder.

Apparently I'm the one who's being paranoid about the other not wanting engagement all the time but I'm the only one escaping engagement as fuck. Keeping him in the doorstep or something.

Oh... he just texted me after his 5 to 7 I was so -*uncalled for* worried about-...

[to-the-island-of-souls]

What makes me feel good :

Working out

Losing weight

Watching comfort shows/movies

Eating soup

Candles

Pretending to be a witch or some powerful spiritual being

Walking

Going out in the sun

Writing (sometimes)

''The only moment I can change is the present''

[to-the-island-of-souls]

Emotion mind:

Wise mind:

#lol watching the office rn #so relevant

[to-the-island-of-souls]

Tant mieux pour toi si t'es pas pour moi... Tant mieux pour toi.

J'm'excuse d'être comme ça.