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Spring Lake Gazette, New Jersey, November 23, 1939

#in the swamps of jersey

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head hurts!!!!!!!!

#it's not that bad? I can access language and movement so not too bad #but I don't like it and I wish I didn't have to work when head hurt

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do currently have a migraine but noticing how much pain I'm in relative to not having a migraine (typically hard for me to assess or pay attention to) is making me realize how hard teaching my last class was given that I had a migraine for the first six weeks of it

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also thinking about confessional work, which is like, I’d already given up on it for other reasons by the time I’d had enough going on that my family learned my pen name, but part of the reason I write the way I write is to encode or create plausible deniability - it’s dangerous to write confessional work if what you’re confessing would anger others. and wouldn’t it nearly always if you are invited to confess abuse and victimhoods? I’m not going to endanger [Person A] because [Person B] found something I published and I’m not there to take it out on, I’ve done that twice and I cannot do it again, I regret both and I would take them back if I could

#and [person B] is always going to keep tabs. that’s how it works

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ok everybody, the reason I am writing my Harry Potter fanfic is manifold, but one of them is to have a useful place to stick preoccupations, which means that when the compulsion to read about the effects of torture arises at 6:52 AM, I do not! I do not! I do not!!!!! have to follow it

#we know how this goes tomato. you follow the compulsion until you become physically ill and you lose the rest of the day if not more #we don’t need to do that right now!

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i know everyone (including me) loves the teatro comunale di bologna posters but i feel like we need to talk about the don giovanni one. they understand the assignment, which is 'this guy has to look like a trust fund grade-A SHITHEAD'. truly incredible

#Don Giovanni is the opera where my friend and I were laughing at the jokes in the first act and were told we had to be more serious #or we would be asked to leave for being disrespectful #and that’s how you make classical music accessible!

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#Holding Change by adrienne maree brown has the funniest list of Who’s Annoying You At The Collective Meeting And Why #but it also has really really helpful solutions :)

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no Seder but then as my roommate ate ramen and [a.] ate peanut butter and I lay around with a migraine, we told each other the story of Exodus anyway, and asked each other questions about it :^)

#not traditional. but in the spirit of the thing :^)

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“Am I not shunned and hated by all mankind? You, my creator, would tear me to pieces and triumph; remember that, and tell me why I should pity man more than he pities me? You would not call it murder if you could precipitate me into one of those ice-rifts and destroy my frame, the work of your own hands. Shall I respect man when he condemns me? Let him live with me in the interchange of kindness, and instead of injury I would bestow every benefit upon him with tears of gratitude at his acceptance. But that cannot be; the human senses are insurmountable barriers to our union. Yet mine shall not be the submission of abject slavery. I will revenge my injuries; if I cannot inspire love, I will cause fear, and chiefly towards you my arch-enemy, because my creator, do I swear inextinguishable hatred. Have a care; I will work at your destruction, nor finish until I desolate your heart, so that you shall curse the hour of your birth.”

lmaooo

#Shelley’s too good for Musk but it made me laugh too hard not to

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quick question, please don't worry about context. how troubling is a kissing booth on a scale of one to coercive assault?

#just had the weirdest fucking conversation of my life #assault

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my head does hurt so fucking bad though

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local guy with schizophrenia who I first invited to stay for a meeting a few months ago (he came in and took over the meeting, I flipped out about it on here) and who told me a couple weeks ago that I could "babble at [him], too," and who I invited again to stay for a meeting last week because he had a good idea, is staying through the whole collective meeting and is contributing thoughtfully (well, I recognize it as thoughtful; everyone is not necessarily but a few of us definitely see what he's doing) and following the requested guide of when and how to speak and is listening to everyone else too, :'^) :'^) :'^)

#it's relational it's relational it's relational :) #we can make a world where we connect to each other #not everyone has to connect to everyone (THANK G●D THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE I HATE) #but in the aggregate. we connect to each other. a world where we care about each other is possible

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lucky that I've never been notorious online (and inshallah may it stay that way) but sometimes I think about someone on FFA saying that my writing had become "self-consciously heavy" in the seven years between writing Teen Wolf fanfic and Check Please fanfic, which - first of all - I had already written apocalypse, child death, and self-immolation political extremism fanfic before I was ever in Teen Wolf, so, all right, let's be real about my fanfic career here, if anything I now exhibit significantly more taste and restraint; second of all, obviously the insane and arguably inappropriate fanfic is what fuels the fun jokey casual fanfic and vice versa, it's just that now I've become a sophisticated enough writer to balance these things in the same fic; and third of all, what this Harry Potter fanfic is teaching me is that it was never really pretentiousness, the pretentiousness was an ironic cover for the HORRIBLE, EMBARRASSING TRUTH, which is just that I AM ACTUALLY FOR-REAL LIKE THIS: the most EARNEST FUN I CAN HAVE is writing a story about (among other things) the failures of imperialist post-civil war reconciliation efforts as illustrated by turning them back on the imperial nation itself, and you know what, WE ARE ALL JUST GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE OUR PEACE WITH THAT!!

#anyway good pesach I'm not at a seder I'm at a volunteer collective meeting w/ a migraine haha

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why…….every day…….migraine

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HP fanficsperiment worked (queried for the first time in almost a year)

#feel like I have a better handle on what I want from a relationship with an agent anyway so #no idea what will happen but glad I did all the things in the last year that made writing this letter so different from the last ones #feeling more settled but less rigid I think :)

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you guys are gonna be so mad at me

paparazzi feat. eve harrington