Why I post
I write on this page knowing nobody will ever see it. That’s ok, it’s for me. I look back through my page and see the progression of my recovery. I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat, all I did was cut. I’m here now letting people know it’s gonna be ok. If you do stumble on this page created by somebody you’ll never know. You are worth it, you are going to be ok. Maybe not today or in a few months. Maybe it will take years. I promise you. It does get better and you are worth so much more.
just so you know self harm in any way isn’t cute or fun or trendy. Cutting is absolutely none of those things. Cutting is being called slice and dice. Cutting is your mom coming in to your room every hour to check and make sure you didn’t bleed out. Its having to call your mom into the bathroom before your shower to shave your legs for you because your not allowed to have anything sharp. It’s the school counselors searching your belongings when you get to school everyday and then patting you down before you go to the bathroom to make sure you have no Wepons on you. It’s loosing almost all your friends because there parents said you are to dangerous to be around. Its being so numb to the fact that what you are doing is dangerous that you don’t even flinch at the way your parents cry when they catch a glimpse of the marks. Its inpatient hospitals over and over again while people around you try to save your life even though your the one putting it in danger. Cutting made my “friends” hate me, and it made my mom cry. It’s secrets and lies, and an all consuming darkness. There is absolutely NOTHING glamorous about this. And mostly anybody who has been through it or is going through it knows that.
It was like a dark secret nobody could take from me. But nobody told me. Nobody told me it would take 6 years , 13 hospital treatments, arms and legs full of scars and almost dying to stop. When I was still doing it. People around me would always say it was an addiction. And that I needed to recover from it. I never believed them. How can something like this be an addiction. It’s only now years later I realize that it was. I physically crave it. I get shaky and jumpy, I feel a physically Adrenalin rush when I think about doing it.
No one lets go all at once. You might have to do it a thousand times before it gets any easier
It’s ok today
For the last year of my life. I’ve felt trapped, confused and lost. I thought this was coming from the indecisevess of my life. Who am I ? What do I want? Where am I going? Am I really going anywhere at all? Who am I supposed to be with? Who am I supposed to be? I was convinced that my drive for control would fix my problems, because living in a box is safe. Knowing exactly who you are and where your going is safe and easy.... in the last few months I’ve discovered that this desire for complete control might actually be what is holding me back. I crave freedom. And it’s terrifying. Because when I let go and I’m not in complete control. Anything could happen. Anything dark and scary and painful and hurtful and regretful. Or anything bright and light and fun and happy and pleasurable and ... free. My desire for control has brought me to a scary place. And insecure place. But what happens when you let go. When you let the questions that you don’t have answers to right now sit because maybe it’s not time to know those answers. Maybe when it is time you will be ready for it in a way you aren’t right now. Maybe those answers would break you now but will only make you stronger later. Maybe being so set on a plan for so long has been what’s keeping me trapped in the first place. I don’t know who I am yet. Or where I’m supposed to go. But that’s ok I think. Because it will all make sense when I do know one day. When the stars aligne and the simmering under my skin settles into a cool flow I’ll understand what it’s like to be free. God. I can’t wait.
I started cutting when I was 11. It made sense at the time. It felt good. I was so angry and so sad for so long. When I started cutting I felt this kind of calm I had never felt before. It was like an addiction. I craved the calm because my head was so loud. It got worse as I got older. It went from once in a while to every day. To every 20 minutes. All the sudden it wasn’t just when I was sad. It was when I felt anything. Happy sad excited mad. I reached a point where I knew it was wrong, and I knew my family was scared. I was scared. But I was in to deep. And I had gone to far. I didn’t stop cutting till I was 17. After years of trying to stop. 13 stints in treatment for them to tell me again and again how dangerous it was. How it gets better. It took me 7 years to believe them. I’m 19 now. I’ll be 20 in December. I haven’t cut in 2 years. I still think about it everyday. And if I thought I could get away with it. I would still be doing it
What do you do if you give so much to everyone that your empty,
Because being empty isn’t a fleeting feeling, it lasts
Sometimes you can get little pieces of it back, but it never returns the way you once had it.
I still love the people I’ve loved, even if I cross the street to avoid them.
but you, you never do
Accept the fact that you will grow apart from people you’ve had significant relationships with. Understand when someone no longer positively affects your life. Let them go. Don’t hinder your growth.
30 things I wish I knew before I started cutting:
1. Razors are a pain in the ass to get out.
2. Don’t ever let something get to the point where you can’t control it.
3. Shaving will never be the same.
3. Cuts hurt way longer than just when you’re in the shower.
4. Sleeves move around, and they won’t always be covered.
5. The fabric from your jeans will make your skin feel like it’s burning alive.
6. One cut will never be enough.
7. Every line, mark, scrape you see turns into a trigger.
8. Blood smells really, really gross.
9. The scars will constantly remind you, even on the good days.
10. You’re not sure why it feels good, it just does.
11. ^^ Sometimes it doesn’t feel good at all and it will make you cry.
12. You’ll start to see yourself as disgusting.
13. Sometimes the blood won’t stop and you swear it’s your last time, but it never will be.
14. Bandaids, Neosporin, and razors cost a lot of money.
15. Sex becomes very awkward with the lights on.
16. Cuts itch.
17. Then people ask why you’re itching.
18. You’re too hot to wear that hoodie? Too bad.
19. You’ll throw away your razors and the next day feel like a psycho when you’re digging through the trash.
20. No matter how many excuses you make up for doing it that day, none of them will be valid. Ever.
21. People will think you do it for attention, so you’ll start to believe them.
22. You’ll want to stop, you just won’t know how.
23. It will tear your heart out when your best friend does it once.
24. Some places feel better to cut than others.
25. Skin doesn’t always grow back the way you want.
26. You’ll feel like a charity case.
27. Some people will treat you like you are one, too.
28. You’ll start to think more about your back up plan for if you start to bleed out rather than college.
29. You’ll get angry if you forgot your razors.
30. Your mom’s going to cry really hard when she finally sees them.
more baby animals here
Find happiness here
Troye Sivan / FOOLS
♫ I see swimming pools and living rooms and aeroplanes
I see a little house on the hill and children’s names ♪
I love you. I can’t remember when I fell in love with you but very naturally, I had fallen in love with you before I knew it.
Makoto Shinkai (via extramadness)