tv19999tv1999

[tv19999tv1999]

I haven't posted here in a while. But I did end up going to a Buddhist temple recently, tried meditation with a group. It was...not what I had expected. From what I had gathered from different sources, Buddha never wanted to be worshipped. He didn't want people to look at him as some sacred figure, didn't want statues raised in his image and name. But that's exactly what I saw at that temple. It made me feel...weird. It felt more like people practicing religion than going on a spiritual journey with the guidance of a mentor figure. Maybe because it was a more mainstream temple? I'm also very skeptical, so that might be the reason...I don't know. I heard they teach some kind of classes there on Fridays I think, and answer questions. I might go back to try that out. We'll see

#people #buddhism #buddhist #temple #my diary #online diary #my thoughts #random #spirituality #spiritualism #ramblings #dunno

[tv19999tv1999]

I've only been attempting meditation for a few days now but I think it does help a little, especially when I try to fall asleep. I wonder if I could go to a place where people teach this kind of thing. I've been looking into more spiritual lifestyles, not religious mind you, and I'm intrigued. It's a welcome feeling in the usual dullness of my life.

#meditation #spirituality #rambles #i hope this makes a difference #my girlfriend noticed that i've been more distant nowadays #i don't know if that's a good thing

[tv19999tv1999]

Disney creeps me out

#sorry disney fans #sorry not sorry #i was never a huge fan #disney #mickey mouse is especially creepy #have you seen the first cartoons with him? #he's a huge jerk #also a creep #and he sexually assaults minnie #and i think the disney wicki calls him charming #haha no

[tv19999tv1999]

Is meditating supposed to make you fall asleep? I'm not sure I'm doing this right

#meditation #i have no idea #i'm pretty sure i'm not supposed to just sleep #it's not even that good sleep

[tv19999tv1999]

I looked a bit into meditation but I'm not sure it'll be my thing. I looked for videos and applications, but honestly there are so many. I have no idea where to begin

#meditation #more like trying to not fall asleep #or pretend you are not asleep #it's supposed to be healthy #best to not knock it till I try it #wish me luck

[tv19999tv1999]

I don't know if I'm really capable of loving. Or if love is real at all, at least to me. I do know I have some kind of connection to my cat. I can't imagine not having him around, even if sometimes he scratches thin bloody lines into my arms and bites me while we play together. Somehow the pain makes me feel...something. Like we are both really alive. I don't know if that makes sense. With my girlfriend...that requires more thinking on my part

#just thoughts #probably makes no sense #life is strange #life is confusing #if this is life at all

[tv19999tv1999]

I have this anonymous app installed to kill time when I'm bored, and I see a lot of people who just want to hook up. Some are looking for gay or curious people, but I never see them mention bi people. Do they not know bi people exist? I knew bi erasure was a problem but never saw the real life equavalent of it. I don't know. I guess I'm part of the problem too

#pride #we are living in a strange world #bisexual erasure #i don't know if me being quiet about it is feeding into the issue

[tv19999tv1999]

Sometimes I feel like I'm not in reality. Like, the things I'm doing have no significance because they are not real things I'm doing. Like my brain is just hooked up on a machine being fed all these things. Maybe it's because I'm so numb. The only time I don't feel numb is when I get scared of being left completely alone by everyone. Like, I'm not a social person by any means. But if my girlfriend up and left, I would be even more lonely. Which would be quite something. Dunno I'm just not making sense at this point. Maybe I should meditate or some shit

#i just spend too much time in my head #like #way too much #i don't know if i love my girlfriend #maybe i did when we started dating #or did i? #i can't tell

[tv19999tv1999]

cats

my cat puked on the floor

#cats #puke #wasn't fun to clean up #gross

[tv19999tv1999]

The Meg

I saw it a few days ago. I wasn’t expecting much frankly, maybe see some people being eaten by a big shark. But it wasn’t very satisfying. Some people did get eaten, but not in a way that was particularly interesting. It didn’t give me a thrill. The megalodon was underwhelming. There were parts in the movie where I thought something would happen, but then it was dismissed. And then later on all I could think was how much better that plotline would have been. It was fine though. Very corny

#movies #film #the meg

[tv19999tv1999]

suicide

I’m not suicidal. So you don’t have to message me about that, worried what I might do to myself. I appreciate the empathy, but it’s not necessary. Even though I don’t feel like I belong, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to exits anymore

#suicide #I'm not ready to die #not yet #it frightens me too much #i know there's nothing beyond #just darkness #darkness that swallows you whole #my instinct to live is too strong #plus i love my cat

[tv19999tv1999]

unfamiliar

Sometimes I feel like a ghost. I stay at home most of the time, I gave up on social media a long time ago, I only go out with my girlfriend. Even that feels like a chore sometimes. I’d much rather just stay home with her. But she needs time with other people, so I go along with her to see her friends. They are nice enough. We make smalltalk and drink, though my heart is not in it. I’m sure they can tell. My girlfriend isn’t bothered by that, I don’t know if she can tell. I don’t think i’d be able to tell her. She looks happy. That’s the only reason for me to keep doing it. I just don’t feel like I belong, and I don’t know what to do about it

#people #ghosts #am I antisocial? #maybe

[tv19999tv1999]

calls

Yesterday my brother called and asked how I was. I told him I was good, even though I was lonely and sad. He didn’t really listen to me, so I doubt he would ever find out. He mostly just wanted to complain about his kids, and how his wife should spend more time with them to make them behave. I just listened, didn’t say anything the whole time just to see if he would notice. But he didn’t. What a surprise. He said a quick goodbye and hung up before I could answer. Calls like this make me hate talking to people.

#calls #people #is he even my brother? #hard to tell

[tv19999tv1999]

pride

Pride month starts on Monday. I feel like I should care, but I don’t? Nobody even knows I’m bi. I suppose It’s better this way. I can be “normal”

#pride #gibberish #i don't know

[tv19999tv1999]

Introduction?

Hey

If you found this blog, well, I have no idea how you did it. It’s not particularly meant for people to find. But you did, so I welcome you.

What to say about myself...I have no idea. I’m not an interesting person. My best friend is a cat, despite the fact that I have a girlfriend, and I mostly just sit around watching documentaries when I’m home. I work at an office, which is very draining, you can imagine. Or you can’t. Doesn’t really matter. The point is that I’m tired.

All the time.

Sometimes I’m just tired for the sake of being tired. I don’t do anything especially tiring, so I don’t know what’s wrong with me exactly. Probably stress or something. Either way...I just want to write down my thoughts. Maybe somone stumbles upon all this and finds it interesting?

You can message me though. I’ll try to answer. Not like I have anything better to do.

So yeah. I’ll just write random things mostly, things I’m trying to wrap my head around. I feel weird

#intro #intro post