twistedatheist85

[twistedatheist85]

Even your hate filled scorn, is better than your razor sharp silence.

I wish I had a gun, so that I could blow your unforgiveness out of my head.

#unforgiven

[twistedatheist85]

Anxiety.

When you feel like screaming, but not sure what you're wanting to scream about. Something is bugging the fuck outta you, and you can't pin it down...so you just want to scream. Frustrated at something, everything, and nothing at all. It's heavy in your chest, it's occupying space in your head...whatever it is....or isn't. Searching your mind for where it's hiding, why it's there...whispering for it to show itself, yet afraid of what it might reveal. There's no exit, no outlet, no relief. You sit in silence, listening for something, anything; waiting for it to move, appear, speak....something....whatever it is. You just want to scream, claw at your chest to set it free...make it leave. Whatever it is...or is not.

#in my head #not again #anxiety #insomniac #coping #silence #scream

[twistedatheist85]

[twistedatheist85]

#anxiety #depression #tomorrow #self care

[twistedatheist85]

She's STILL unimpressed with my shit.

#doggosdoingthings

[twistedatheist85]

Check out #FOB colors; one each, representing #LGBTQ

[twistedatheist85]

20 years later, I'm still in love with who you were, who you are, who you're evolving to become.

[twistedatheist85]

Oh... you know me. Just keeping your nightmare alive.

[twistedatheist85]

When we choose growth over perfection, we immediately increase our shame resilience. Improvement is a far more realistic goal than perfection. Merely letting go of unattainable goals makes us less susceptible to shame. When we believe "we must be this" we ignore who or what we actually are, our capacity and our limitations. We start from the image of perfection, and of course, from perfection there is nowhere to go but down.

— Brené Brown, I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from “What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough"

[twistedatheist85]

How I wish you could see me. Notice that although you live amongst the lofts, and I amongst the concrete, our worlds aren't so different. I still see your torment. I still see that flame of tragedy.

What I wouldn't give, to bury myself alive in your words or drown in the darkness of your eyes. If your voice were a knife, sharpened to perfection, I'd offer up my throat. Even if the touch of your hands, were of arctic ice, I'd hold them tight; in pain, in passion.

When you sleep, do you dream of a stranger? A person you've never met? When you struggle to close your eyes; when the night calls your name, it's not you losing your mind...it's me, losing my reality.

I know you see the same moon, I know you feel that somewhere, in this city, there's still a shred of you, marked in concrete, ghostly remains of your youth, in hallways; in staging, with your footprints...echoes of screams...it was always the screams.

We're not so different, sir...to you, sir, with reverence. If I could drink to you, each night, my cup would be filled with empty wishes, and a hollow past. I wasted no time in spilling the juices of my prime; recklessy wrecked...we're not so different. I'd drink to you; to your chiseled smile, to your graceful frowns, to the strings you plucked from torn hearts, to the burning lights that weren't the blazing Sun, to your voice of wisdom; stemming from your soft lips.

I'd drink to you, for sinking me deep; plummeting into a place that I have no desire to leave. It is, after all, where you are.

[twistedatheist85]

“You come home, make some tea, sit down in your armchair and all around there’s silence. Everyone decides for themselves whether that’s loneliness or freedom.”

— Unknown

[twistedatheist85]

And so the inner screaming begins.

[twistedatheist85]

My Brother’s Big Day (A Monologue)

[standing proudly dressed in front of a 3-way mirror]

Janelle: He’s gonna be so proud of me. I’ll bet, if he could see me right now,

he’d be beaming. I picked it out, just for him.

[Twirl slowly, admiring her reflection]

Mama even helped me pick out the shoes. She said I should never wear white

shoes, to such an occasion, but I wanted them to match my dress, so badly.

When she gave in, I squealed with excitement, and she saw the brightest smile

on my face. She knew; no matter what she said, otherwise, I was gonna to be

so stunning for my brothers big day. [Sigh] Almost time; not a hair out of

place, my face done up right...and my shoes; so perfect with my perfect dress.

[Janelle steps away from the mirror, and turns to walk through an opened

door, and down a short hallway.]

Janelle: I’m so nervous; why am I nervous. He’s just my brother; maybe it’s

because he’d laugh every time mama put me in a dress? Gah, I hated them!

[Janelle walks into a dimly lit room, aligned with empty wooden chairs, and

she slowly approaches a softly lit stage. She peers down toward a beautifully

black lacquered box.]

Janelle: Hey Joel, see?, I finally wore a dress, and mama didn’t even have to

fight to get me in it! Do you like it? 

[She twirls happily in front of the

beautiful black box.] 

Mama helped me pick it out, and I know you can’t quite

see my shoes, but they’re so perfect, and they match the lacy stuff on the

dress. The lace kind of itches, but it’s worth it...you’re worth it. I’m sorry it

took me so long; I just wanted your day to be extra special. Oh, and Auntie

Peg is supposed to be here to. I hope she doesn’t wear that horrible

perfume she always puts on; that woman would gag an entire family of

elephants! 

[Janelle chuckles softly to herself] 

Don’t worry though, I think

mama is gonna have her seated next to the back doors.

[Peering down at Joel, suited so handsomely in his new shiny black box, she smiles softly.]

Janelle: You’re gonna be okay now, Joel, you’ll see.

#monologues #sibling love #death #funeral #mirrors #lace #brother #sister

[twistedatheist85]

[twistedatheist85]

Flirting with Eternity

How many times have you died, while I cried you that ocean; never reaching the bottom, choking on sour emotion. When did you realize, my tailor made despise for your silence; listening close with bated breath, and tear streaked penance? Just lie down where I’ve been, until I wake up from the sin in my head; always searching for that glory, in the words that you said.

I’m flirting with eternity, each time you scream. I’m basking in disaster’s light, with no right; going up and crashing down. When will you share, your nightmare; I’m flirting with eternity, entirely in your dream! 

Where did you learn to bend reality, that subtle specialty with grace; playing the saint in sinner’s clothes, stomping hearts with thundered pace. Who taught you to laugh, at the better half of my future’s mistake?; catching glimpses of my madness, just to see me break. Won’t you walk in my shoes, while my blistered feet lose ground; running away from that song, I can’t stand the sound!

I’m flirting with eternity, each time you scream. I’m basking in disaster’s light, with no right; going up and crashing down. When will you share, your nightmare; I’m flirting with eternity, entirely in your dream!

Take me down, one more time; make the pain be okay. Take me down, one more time; just one more time...eternity is on it’s way!

#words that will never be sung #poems that will never be songs #flirting with eternity #dancing with disaster #poetry

[twistedatheist85]

When your mind is so heavy, you can't catch your breath.

[twistedatheist85]

Reblog if you're not homophobic

Every url that reblog’s will be written in a book and shown to my homophobic dad.