undesired-attention

[undesired-attention]

I had been thinking for a while about jumping back on here for an update- both for those who used to follow if they’re still on here and also to consolidate my own thoughts of the past 8 months, and today feels like the day. I believe I left off with my mom having surgery, that ended up going well and all is mostly good- some complications that can be fixed with a colonoscopy or two and another surgery planned for the future, but nothing emergent and things have been fine with her for the most part. That feels like so long ago reflecting back, I cannot believe it’s only been 8 months.. then the bf went to finish up his last term of college, he absolutely killed it banging the last of his degree out and graduated in December. Meanwhile, I began taking the charge role at my job- meaning I was the head nurse on the floor, didn’t take patients (usually), directed the flow of care and dealt with the major problems.. and I found that I really enjoyed it. I was feeling so burnt out from covid, mentally I dreaded going into work every day to take care of non compliant covid patients who didn’t believe they even had the virus, and watched them turn into a mess when they got sicker and sicker to the point of needing to go on a vent.. it was horrific and traumatizing. And that was my work life the past two years. I tried to find other fulfilling things, I studied for and passed the CMSRN (certified medical surgical RN) exam in December, and thought a lot about where I wanted my career to go. I ended up applying for a nurse supervisor position on the cardiac floor in my hospital, and after a month of interviewing with different people and then a month of waiting for my incompetent manager to get her shit together, I accepted the job and start next week.

Last night was my last night working on my med surg/covid/basically nursing home because patients stay for 6 months+ floor that’s run itself into the ground and I no longer want to be a part of. It was a EXTREMELY difficult decision, and I still have that urge to stay in my comfort. I love my coworkers. I’ve known a lot of them for three years and learned how to be a nurse with them. They (for the most part) are the best group of people I’ve ever worked with. Now saying that- this was only my first full time job in a steady position. So I have really high hopes I find that change is okay and good, and I’ll love it up there just as much as I do on my unit. My manager fired my mom a week before her surgery in august and she struggled really hard to find a job- she’s working in a clinic now making more money than before and likes it for the most part. I’ve brought up countless issues to my manager and current nurse supervisors, and none of them care about anything and are so negative and mean. I’ve spoken to my new manager more times over the past 3 months during this hiring process than my old manager in 3 years, and she has been so kind and helpful through everything. So- I’m nervous, but so excited. Bf was job hunting at the same time, and while I was hopeful he could find something local/remote, the options are just nonexistent or for way too little pay. He accepted a position at a company in pittsburgh with a offer too good to even consider turning down, and he starts (remote until moves out there) next week. He signed a lease on a house and is working his way to getting out there. And of course with that, I had to think a lot about what I wanted to do. We talked about it, a lot, and the plan is for him to go out there and me stay for ~a year (likely less) in my new job, get official job title nurse supervisor experience, and then come out to pittsburgh with him and find a nursing supervisor job somewhere out there. I’m not a fan of UPMC’s tactics one bit, but they pay their supervisors comparatively to what I will be making here, so I won’t be taking a $10 pay cut like I would as a staff RN, if I became part of the hospital system that monopolizes Pittsburgh. I am EXTREMELY excited for him and I know he’s excited too, pretty close to a dream job for him.

Meanwhile- my brother is finishing up his last semester at Carnegie Mellon in pittsburgh, and will be doing a PhD fellowship in math for a big college close to Pittsburgh, but also closer to home. It’ll be the closest he’s been to home since he was 15 and moved to New Hampshire for boarding school. I’m also obviously very excited for him as well. I had a routine doctors appt a couple weeks ago, and I decided to finally open up and mention that I’m having an extremely hard time focusing and concentrating. I’ve always had this issue, but it was really starting to effect my work being now that I’m sitting down and having to do paperwork and it’s not constantly running to tend to my patients. She made me an appt for next week to get tested for AD(H)D. I still don’t know how I feel about it, I feel kind of ashamed but that was the way I was raised, mental health disorders do not exist and you’re fine, it’s all in your head. I did some research into ADHD in women, and a lot aren’t diagnosed until their 20s-30s. So either way, I’ll see what they say. It’s either that or anxiety but I am starting to believe it’s more than anxiety the more I really reflect on how I feel and act.. but overall, the past 8 months have been great for myself and everyone close to me. I’m feeling emotional from last night being my last night on my home unit for the past 3 years, and a little delirious because I worked 3 nights in a row lol, but I just have been wanting to type all this out for a while and send it into the void of what was a major part of my life for multiple years. If anyone takes the time to read this, thank you for checking in. Talk to you again maybe in the future. :)

Also, formatting on this app is HORRIFIC, I’m sorry

#jj

[undesired-attention]

Day 1672: work night 3/3. It’s my last night working with one of my best work friends who was my preceptor when I first started. It rlly hasn’t hit me that she’s really leaving, and the place is going to suck so much without her. But she’s moving back home to the state where her family is and that’s important, so I bought a cake and wrote on it for her lol. Moms surgery is tomorrow.

#jj

[undesired-attention]

Day 1672: work night 1/3. I bought a CMSRN exam review book because I’d like to take the test before the end of the year (and before I let myself really consider leaving). I also bought a new dresser and a desk and some computer accessories, kind of have a decent idea what I’m going to end up spending on parts for a computer so I’m waiting until at least next week to buy them after I get paid again so I’m not taking money directly from my savings account. I have a really busy weekend/week ahead of me with work and my mom having surgery, adding onto it trying to assemble furniture and my dads birthday this weekend. Still somehow running relatively high energy so hoping it lasts through the week so I can do all the things I need and want.

#jj

[undesired-attention]

Day 1671: I’ve been so manic and high energy today, I’m not sure if it’s because of getting over being sick or something else but I haven’t felt this energetic in months. I vacuumed our entire upstairs today and then worked out for an hour, I’ve been playing Pokémon snap again for hours which I haven’t touched in months. I also decided to pay off the rest of my car loan, which was kind of a big deal but I did it very spur of the moment. Rearranged my room just to see what size desk I want because I’m planning on building a computer (with help, and encouragement, from boyfriend). Looked at jobs because I’d very much like to be somewhere else within a year (although I don’t know where yet...) but also looked into getting my med surg certification because my company will pay for it. I also made a new resume because my last one was during college. Called employee health to get cleared to go back to work tomorrow night, I had to get a second covid test on Friday because I still wasn’t feeling well but it was negative. Talked with my mom a lot and tried to help her figure out everything. She’s going for a colonoscopy Wednesday, they’re going to put a PICC line in her before hand (because of how hard of a stick she is with getting IVs in, very glad they agreed to that) which she’ll come home with and they’ll remove when she’s being discharged after surgery which is a week today. Surgery next Monday, pre op antibiotics already ordered and mostly everything smoothed out but she’s still a wreck and can’t wrap her head around everything. Bought my dad a digital weather station for his birthday next weekend, my friend has one in his house and every time we go over I end up staring at it because of how neat it looks so I’m excited to have one in the house, hopefully my dad will be too because it’s cool. Bought concert tickets for a show in October that I’m super excited for (I bought them last week). Either way I just felt like coming on here and typing it all out and updating, I’ve been very absent because I started only posting before I head into work and I haven’t been to work since before vacation.

#jj

[undesired-attention]

Day 1670: I was debating doing a small photo dump from vacation. We got home Friday but Monday I woke up feeling sick, it’s gotten a lot worse through the week. I got tested for covid yesterday and it was negative, employee health wants me to get tested again Friday if I still don’t feel good. Nasal congestion, runny nose, severe sore throat. I had a temp 100.7 last night. Body aches today. I don’t think it’s covid, I really feel like it’s just a bad viral cold, but work is making me jump through a billion hoops. Last week was fun though, did a lot of walking and went parasailing. Lots of seafood. Went to cape may for a couple hours on Friday before driving all the way home. It was a very good trip. I just want to feel better soon.

#jj

[undesired-attention]

Day 1669: work 3/3, I don’t feel good tonight and I really really really hope I’m not getting sick, a bunch of nurses were sick yesterday. I’m probably just over tired because I usually feel sick on my third night in a row, but it’s been a while since I did this

#jj

[undesired-attention]

Day 1668: work night 2/3, last night wasn’t bad but I have a feeling we’re going to be down a nurse tonight which is really shitty and the 3 nurses on my unit will each have 5 patients each. These three nights are dragging, probably because I know I’m going to be off for almost two weeks after this and on vacation next week. I felt pretty off too last night which probably is related, I don’t really know why though.

#jj

[undesired-attention]

Day 1667: work night 1/3. I’ll end up sleeping all day Friday but then I need to start packingp. I made a list of what I need to pack, just have to work up the energy to actually do it.

#jj

[undesired-attention]

1666: favorite number. I saw a bear on my way into work. Night 2/2, last night was hard again and tonight will probably be no better.

#jj

[undesired-attention]

Day 1665: work night 1/2. My mom called the pharmacy today for me so I could get my medication refilled early (phone anxiety, anxiety about everything tbh), it gets mailed to me and I’m going to run out while we’re on vacation. And I don’t want it sitting outside my house for a week. They had to get insurance approval but they’ll ship it probably tomorrow which works so I’ll get it next week. I work tonight and tomorrow and then three nights in a row next week, 5 more nights of work (including tonight) and then I’ll be on vacation. We’ve been so short and maxed with patients who are difficult, there’s a couple new grads who just started orientation so in a couple months we’ll have more staff.. it’ll just be a while. And more people are leaving before then.

#jj

[undesired-attention]

Day 1664: work just one night. We are so short staffed, being maxed out with patients and no nurses aides has been the normal. I slept super poorly because of how humid it was today, I could feel it in my room even over my AC.

#jj

[undesired-attention]

Day 1663: last night wasn’t bad, really busy though. My mom had an appt today that my dad took her to, they actually said there’s no real proven evidence that waiting a full 6 months versus after 3 months that there’s any benefit if you’re healed for reversals (which I kind of question but idk), so they scheduled her surgery tentatively august 16 if all the pre testing goes well. I’m still surprised because I repeatedly kept telling her it wasn’t going to happen. She has to get blood work before we go on vacation and after we come back she has to have a CT, appt the next day to discuss how it looks, then tentatively a colonoscopy the next day and then surgery two weeks later. We really just need things to go well. So many worst case scenarios have happened this past year and a half, just really really need (and deserve) some good outcomes. Last night of work, we’re getting dinner with my aunt tomorrow night.

#jj

[undesired-attention]

Day 1662: had two days off. I went to the dentist yesterday for the first time in almost two years, I’ve always been told by dentists that I produce a lot of minerals (?) and I’m very prone to build up. I asked the girl specifically when I sat down visibly how I looked and she said pretty good, I’ve been trying to take care of them at home with tools because of how long it’s been... the issue was build up under my gum line which was kind of upsetting (and hurty). So they gave me prescription tooth paste and told me to get a water pick and electric toothbrush ASAP so I ordered them on Amazon. They want me to come back in 4 months to check up on everything. Besides that no real issues, possible developing cavity on one of my molars but I’m super prone to cavities there because my molars are so deep, I have 3 fillings in the 8 back teeth I have. The toothpaste should help with that. I’m very shakey right now from the caffeine. I don’t want to be here at all. My mom got a text from one of the nurses that used to work on our floor that is in the wound care clinic, the nurse asked about me and my mom told her if a position opens up that I’m very interested, I guess they’re planning on moving locations at some point and positions should open up then. A 9-5 M-F clinic job, no weekends or holidays. I’m nervous to leave the schedule I have now (3 nights a week, every third weekend and every other holiday) but maybe it would be more “normal” for me. I’m not really sure, but I’m very open to it because it’s what I really enjoy doing.

#jj

[undesired-attention]

Day 1661: happy 4th, back at work.

#jj

[undesired-attention]

Day 1660: I usually post before coming into work but I forgot, I was running a little late today and it was pouring. Things have been going well, not much important to really remark on? Tonight is going fine, my patients are chatty but nice. Mom is out of work for another month because she has something presumably minor going on but they have her doing some testing. Surgery tentatively October for the reversal. Planning for vacation in a few weeks. I made these Oreo balls for the girls at work because they begged me, they were horrific to make last time I made them because of dipping them in chocolate but it being 90 degrees outside helped it stay melted. I’m trying not to think too much right now otherwise I’ll dive right into overthinking. Some glass animals in my earbuds, caught up on charting. Might try to finish the book I’ve been working on for a month

#jj

[undesired-attention]

Day 1659: it’s pouring

#jj

[undesired-attention]

Day 1658: I had 4 days off, I did a couple things which were nice. It’s been so hot out, today was the worst. I’m running a little late because something happened at the house, my mom accidentally cancelled her appt with the surgeon to discuss the reversal which was really disappointing. I helped her reschedule, it’s not until the end of September but hopefully an appt opens sooner on the waitlist like it did this last time..... we need to make a sooner appt with the trauma doctors again then to have them look at her stomach and fill out paperwork for her being out. She wants to stay home for another month, I keep telling her she should just come back to work but she’s insisting she wants to stay out. I’m not fully convinced they’ll sign papers for that, but we’ll see. I have to run into work now.

#jj