usedbruisedandconfused

[usedbruisedandconfused]

[usedbruisedandconfused]

P.1

Needing to move

I was born premature but naturally in 1998. My dad (We will call him Steve), was having my Mums (Let's call her Linda) gas and air whilst she was in labour. As my sister was born through a C section, they were anxious for my arrival. With my mum determined to have me naturally, my dad ended up having so much gas and are that he fainted and missed my arrival. The silly bugger. But anyway. Then I got taken back to their bungalow they had brought together in the hope of raising me and my Sister (Alicia) there.

The start of this is going to seam really confusing, and I apologise for that. Its due to the fact that I was unaware of quite a lot of big factors until I was kicked out in later ages of my life and found out some big truths.

So before we moved out of the bungalow when I was 2, I remember quite a bit. Which is surprising considering my age. Well I don't remember quite a bit but its more then I feel I should at that age. Most of them memories consist of me screaming and crying. Begging for people to stop causing me pain and not being listened too. Watching jess get treated like a princess and wondering why I was doing wrong, compared to her, to deserve this. Being up most nights crying and being left to dealt with the consequences of my parents actions. Although when I was two. Just before we moved. I do remember this clearly.

Steve and Linda got a divorce, after 6 years of being together and 2 years of marriage that was filled with a lot of lies and manipulation. My dad decided to leave. And chose to leave us with the house, and with our mum.

My Nanna was around ours, looking after me and my sister. All of a sudden there was a knock at the door. I feel its important to note that this door was an old wood door with a big thick glass panel in the middle of it.

I remember tumbling to get there as I thought It was my dad. (which is an important factor as to why I felt close to him in that moment and never understood why, but we will find this out later) and it was. There was my dad. He was stood with a women and this made my mum very unhappy. He tried to reach in to pick me up, my arms went out to reach for him and my mum slammed the door shut on him. In the last second Steve put his foot in the way of the door to stop her shutting it. She reopened it and there was lots of name calling, shouting and anger.

I remember my nan trying to pull me away from the corridor and into the lounge as it was getting heated but I wanted to be there. Regardless of being 2 years old. I put up a good fight in trying to get there. Although I don't know why or who I was trying to get too, but it all adds up that I was trying to get too my dad. And just as I got back into the corridor and could see him at the door. My mum slammed the door another time with so much force and in reaction my dad stuck his foot out again. Which this time led to the door smashing and glass going all over my mum. My dad left and I remember looking at my mum to see her in her little green dressing gown with pink flowers. Fallen on the floor with blood running out from all the places the glass had hit her. All up her legs and it probably wasn't as bloody as I remember it. But I do remember feeling very concerned for my mum, my Nanna running to help and my five year old sister taking me in the lounge.

But my dad kept trying to return and my mum lost so much weight. She said we had no money for food and therefore had to eat mine and Alicia's left overs which led to her loosing a lot weight but we will find out later this turns out to be untrue.

She wanted to move. So we did just that and moved to a little council house. Which is where it all begins...

[usedbruisedandconfused]

The start

I just wanted to say before I start this blog. I am in no way writing this for sympathy. To be honest. I don't really want anyone reading it. As its for me to heal 🤍

But as I'm doing this! I just want to say that I am more than aware of the suffering endured on our planet and I in no way want to belittle what anyone else has gone through or experienced. I'm aware it could have been a lot worse, but it's okay to be able to speak about what you've been through and not feel guilty for that. The way I see it is... if a toddler has their crayon taken from them, then they will feel an enormous amount of pain as its the worst thing they have yet to experience. The brain can only experienced a certain level of pain if we don't include onset illnesses from things like PTSD. Everyones emotions are valid and it's a natural thing that happens in our brains. Chemicals get released. And we shouldn't feel guilty or embarrassed for that. We should only celebrate our strengths and everything that we have got through.

This will in no way be easy for me and I find it hard to speak about to my closet of friends let alone to type out to nobody. It feels like its some sort of way to get sympathy and I dislike the idea of that. Although I would love a platform to be able to talk about my life without being judged and to be able to get it out and piece it all together. After years of trauma my memory has gone and my brain has turned into a bit of a sieve. So i'm hoping writing this will help my get it out and piece my life together. And if it helps someone in the process, then that is amazing.

I haven't written before and am going through a lot of emotions trying to get this out and I have many many chapters to come. So it may be a bit jumbled and with some spelling mistakes but I will try my hardest to proof read it before posting. With that in mind, please bare with me.

I'm feeling the need to explain myself but I'm writing this for myself so I'm going to stop now and just start writing when I can bring myself to. Stuff gets very hard to vocalise and I don't know how well I will do with writing it. But let's give it a go!

Also, if anyone IS reading this then.... Welcome!

You are loved. You are not alone. I am here. I promise everything will be okay, even if it doesn't seam like it now. Focus only on yourself and not others. What makes you happy? Think about that question, answer it, and then do it! You will find your tribe throughout life. You have already found me so that's a great start! But for now all you need is yourself to get through this, I believe in you and am so proud of how far you've come already 🤍