victim-or-survivor

[victim-or-survivor]

you know when you start examining your behavior over the past few days a bit closer and realize it's not sporadic unrelated tangents, it's the beginnings of an episode? this post brought to you by i punched a hole in my wall after blowing all my money and "finding god" again

[victim-or-survivor]

hurt my back again... had to go to the hospital and now my entire life is fucked again. urgh. you think things are going a little too well to be true, and it turns out you might be right

#she speaks #diary

[victim-or-survivor]

im like if a girl thought she was irredeemable despite never having done anything that should make her feel this way

[victim-or-survivor]

[victim-or-survivor]

i'm sorry that you can relate. it's a sometimes isolating situation to be in. i hope you are able to find some connection and support in the people in your life!

i feel kind of like an alien in a very poorly fitted human costume and i look at everyone around me doing daily tasks and interpreting subtext in conversations and making and maintaining friendships and relationships and they go to work and they like things a normal amount and i can't help but think: is it really that easy for them? and if so, why can't it be for me?

[victim-or-survivor]

i feel kind of like an alien in a very poorly fitted human costume and i look at everyone around me doing daily tasks and interpreting subtext in conversations and making and maintaining friendships and relationships and they go to work and they like things a normal amount and i can't help but think: is it really that easy for them? and if so, why can't it be for me?

[victim-or-survivor]

my mental illness literally feels like a shitty side character on a sitcom right about now. oh yeah she's fine, she's just blowing through all her money again. oh don't worry she's just stimming. she can't sleep through the night because every time she falls asleep she thinks she's going to die and has awfully gory nightmares about things that happened to her. i tried to check myself into the psych ward and they literally told me to come back when i am sicker. no relief !

#diary #she speaks #i'll shut up soon. sorry.

[victim-or-survivor]

i will be like "i feel bad for ending things with this person they were a good person :(" and completely ignore the fact that i ended it because they sexually assaulted me

#js #tg #trauma #she speaks #ptsd #diary #the wolves

[victim-or-survivor]

"no one is ever going to love me i'm deeply flawed and once they stay long enough they realize i'm a nightmare wah wah wah" ok shut up. have you considered drinking water and watching fleabag again. yeah that's what i thought. go to sleep loser

#note to self #diary #she speaks

[victim-or-survivor]

ptsd gothic

you are talking to your best friend. you don’t make eye contact. you never make eye contact. she does not have eyes. look away. look away.

you look in the mirror and nothing looks back at you. you try to touch the glass but it burns your fingers. you have no hands. the air around you is vibrating too fast. god screams somewhere in agony.

it is time to sleep. it is always time to sleep. you are so tired. you cannot sleep. you look at the clock. it looks back at you. life is a nightmare. wake up.

you know this place. these carpets smell like the beast. no one notices the worms crawling up your legs. you scream and nobody hears. are you dying, or are you already dead? this coffin smells like the beast.

you are late to math class. the hallways keep shifting on you. the room numbers are never the same. you hand in your homework. it is a blank piece of paper. when your teacher takes it from you, it lights on fire. you do not pass the class.

you do not have a body. you have never had a body. anyone who tells you different is lying. you are floating. you shower with the lights off. if you look too close, you can see the silhouette of legs, arms, hands. you have looked too long.

you are sleeping. you have not slept in so long. you sleep for years. birthdays pass. someone kills the moon and the sun and the stars. you wake up in a black abyss. you are still so tired.

you cannot remember the details. you think you see them in the distance but it is only a mirage. someone tells you that you should try emdr therapy. you think you have tried this before but you can’t remember. there is only a gaping hole where the past belongs.

these hallways all look the same. there are at least two of them. all of the people look at you. you see dark eyes in the crowd. you know the beast has come to get you. you are not safe here. run.

you are driving. you have not seen this road before. the gps says it is the same road you take every day. as soon as the houses start to look the same, something shifts and it all becomes foreign again. you should pull over before it is too late.

#tw unreality

[victim-or-survivor]

i think there should be a word to describe the feeling of sitting on your bathroom floor and doing your hair while trying to desperately reinvent yourself at 12:45 am on a friday

[victim-or-survivor]

i like being weird and off putting in a fun way but also because every time i dress loud and unusual it separates me further from my body and puts a wall between the self i present and the self that i truly am :) i like dressing like this to prevent myself from ever being vulnerable to anyone because i feel that it will protect me from being hurt again :)

#she speaks #diary #i think my frontal lobe is developing bc i keep making realizations lately

[victim-or-survivor]

day ??? of wondering how he could do that to me i was a child

day ??? of finding reasons he cant be held accountable

day ??? of wondering if he actually feels guilty,, and wondering if that would undo it all

day ??? of wondering if i'm the problem the missing piece maybe the reason it's consuming me is not because he hurt me to begin with it's because i'm reacting badly or maybe there's something wrong within my core and he did not start that i'm the thing that's wrong it's my fault i keep coming back

day ??? of feeling like there's something disgusting over my person and wishing it was gone because then i can be vulnerable but in the meantime i have to stfu and suck it in

day ??? of not sucking it in i'm begging everywhere for someone to look at me and when someone finally does it feels like piercing through my skin it feels like i have yet to earn it it feels like someone's zooming in on me and they can see the layer of dirt on me they can't seem to pity me just wonder how i can even walk around when something so disgusting is everywhere on me

day ??? of telling them i know i'm gross and i see it too but when i was a child it wasn't so bad please stop wondering why he would do that to me it was not me it was her and she was small and she was not as dirty yet it mattered it was sad it was not disgusting yet even tho now it is and now all i can do is either get over it or make it matter again

day ??? of wanting someone to hurt me put some worth within me day ??? of wanting more dirt but one that makes me feel special instead of flawed day ??? of wanting to be her and wishing they did not care about me but instead about a newer version of her day ??? of wanting to go back and accept the pain and make it worse actually make it matter in the future

#every single word of this was like a sucker punch #so overwhelmingly true it hurts

[victim-or-survivor]

dealing now with the after effects of what happened in december... off putting to be so affected. i haven't slept through the night since then. every time a man compliments me, i feel like i'm holding my breath: waiting for it to start again. thankful for this new job, because if i stop moving, i feel like i'll die. distraction may be the best thing for me now.

#diary #she speaks

[victim-or-survivor]

my flesh all feels marred with memory

#she speaks

[victim-or-survivor]

getting flashbacks today. bad. accidentally brushed my fingers over my own skin in the wrong way and threw up everything i ate. cannot stop thinking of his eyes. his eyes. his hands. sickly boy. sickly body. unendurable. had to breathe but couldn't. then time passed, suddenly i was grown again. odd, odd mind.

#she speaks

[victim-or-survivor]

a girl can't even say she wants to kill herself anymore like what's that about