viridescent-lament

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i can feel the servant persona coming on. denied the catharsis of punishment indeed.

#need to serve need to be useful need to help need to be worth something because my own existence is inherently worthless #none of thagt is true but i cant hear it. maybe im just sleepy. #it is late and ive been tired since 6.

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the horrors are kicking in.

#suicssidak ideation my fucking beloathed. #oh xiaowe're really in it now.

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I really feel like people on this site shouldn't have been introduced to certain concepts around age gaps and power dynamics, cuz I feel like no one actually read what it actually means. Like, im watching someone I follow get "concerned" anons about her being with an older dude, but its like, she's 29 going on 30. It's less than 10 years. She's expressed no negative things she's happy and there's really no reason to be concerned.

It makes me think about how two people I knew in their 20s got the same treatment, and when the younger of the two didn't agree with them those "concerned" people turned and started calling them all sorts of vicious, unfounded insults. Or it makes me think of how someone called me a pedo because my husband is shorter than me, and when I said we're only a year apart that person doubled down on it cuz of "age gaps."

Just, genuinely, people don't understand that like, that's not how this shit works. Age gaps are not bad by default. Like there are bad age gaps, like someone in high school or something dating someone much older is obviously bad. But someone who is about to turn 30 dating someone in their 30s is....nothing really? People act like the phrase "age gap" is so scary but like, two adults being adults isn't inherently bad.

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POV your trauma memories start to add up and you start to put together a timeline

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yknow what. the new version i have is much better. makes more sense and i like it better.

searching througj my files. the worldbuilding i made on jaydens disease is completely missing.

:/

#im going to type it out later. so it wont get lost again. but basically. #before the idea was of a fungal disease that affects descendents of fae/changelings. in which it infects the blood stream #and eats off of blood cells. eventually making its way to the bone marrow. #part of the reason its rare is the difficulty of infection - its bloodborne #but has to latch on to blood cells within the blood to take hold. #and fae have a cure but because many descendents arent aware of their bloodline. they end up suffering. #but. but. the new version. is a hereditary/genetic disease. resulting from how fae genetics breakdown as they mix with human ones. #basically its the result of fae/human blood not being perfectly compatible. and the problems that arise as a result. #its still rare. and primarily manifests in the blood. but. i like the new reason better. #it also explains why some of jaydens traits manifest. like poor circulation similar to anemic people. #because anemia is a lack of iron. and so this disease may interfere witj the absorption of iron in the blood (remnant of fae iron allergy) #this is a much more interesting path i think. i look forward to exploring it.

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searching througj my files. the worldbuilding i made on jaydens disease is completely missing.

:/

#i guess ill have to redo it （ーー；） #i remember the gist of it so it should be alright. but its still annoying. #i just got back from a long trip. and preceded to pace so long i pulled a muscle in my ankle. itll be good by morning. but wow i missed pa #pacing. #pixel is apparently noticiably thicker. because he hasnt exercised while we were gone. but my memory is bad enough that i fon #that i *dont* notice a difference. maybe ill look at some old photos to check. its only been a week or so. so its not too drastic. #sorry if i missed any messages. ive been drained this trip and havent checked much. and honestly was too ＿|￣|○ to open the ones i was notif #notified about. i am staring at the blue tumblr dot next to their hamburger menu. i look away. <~<;;. >~>;; >~<;;. #ill check in the morning. once i get some energy back.

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i was having a rough time so i started typing out my stuff again. evrything below is me being upset but im not as close to breaking down as it sounds. my feelings are muffled rn its good.

my mind is currently doing two fun things:

1) sensory overload (?)

-tired but softly… speaks in a pleasant voice that is different from my normal one and only appears when i am tired and/or overwhelmed, feels like a small child, every movement is as if its my first, that feel when u are like 6 and kicking your feet out as you reach out as far as your stubby arms can to get your sodey pop except this body and you are almost an adult and this is not nearly your first time doing this

2) stepford smiler

-the newedt addition to trip hell! a familiar feeling and yet combined with the former its oh so un-nerving/settling/pleasant/some such or other

-bubbly and happy but in a distinclty unstable way. as though you are a customer service worker with anxiety being yelled at by a customer during rush hour, but like, < - that emotion is being repressed and run through a pasta machine until you are left with unstable anime girl spaghetti. like the glee those yandjerea girls feel for murder and defendimg their beloved but channeled directly towards their own suffering yet retaining that Devotion to Somebody. the bubbly nervousness of the retail worker is undercut by the bubbly glee for their own instability of an unstable anime person. no wonder i keep being drawn to servantkome ada its litcherally just. me when im going through some shit. all this i could feel boiling inder the surface of the overload but after spotting an Upsettlingly Familiar thing it swelld up and turns over. like a lava lamp.

-oh shit its literalyy a lava lamp. like these arent being felt side by side their patiently taking turns. when one cools off it falls to the bottom allowing the other to rise and so on. this is a hood metaphort i think.

a third emotion has joined the party! 3) heartburn

-yeah my chest is pulsing i think its normal heartburn but it combined iwth typing out whats happenning is slowly cooling off stepford smiler. overloads still there but its tolerable. thanks heartburn.

#normally id pace to stave off stepford smiler but i dont have anywhere to go #but im feeling better :] #time to watch vivinoshorro r vdeos :]

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thank you family, very cool

#ʻmaybe one day i can sit down with my family amd theyll be able to learn about and accept me being trans. i think thats realistic’ #*goes on a trip for several days where they gleefully discuss a ʻtraumatizingʻ encounter with a trans women who was just introducing them t #the college and treat trans women as dangerous deviant perverts while discussing how awful these encounters were * #really fun guys thanks #ʻoh dont you want to go play with your cousins who are almost all younger and dont get along with you? or would you rather sit here w #with us while we treat the existence of people like you as disgusting and unheard ofʻ #no thank you i will sit upstairs! #i thought its be nice to sit and hang out with family i havent seen in a while but ! ʅ(ﾟ´~`ﾟ)ʃ

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ヽ(´▽｀)/ im going to commit a crime!!!

#not actually im just about to lose it #my moms been over for the past week and shell be here another one #so as im trying to explain ‘i cant really tell if im actually not hungry or if im intentionally not eating’ i get double jumped as they exp #explain ‘OBVIOUSLY youd know if your actually not hungry; youd know if you were doing it on purpose; youd know if #if you were ACTUALLY hungry’ #no!! i wouldnt!! its happened before!!! #its true that one or two days might not affect much but this has happened in the past and its been happening all week at least #and when i am fresh out of a disorded eaginf thoughta funk obviously im going to worry!!! but they dont really know i have those thoughts!! #‘i dont think you were ever underweight’ it wasnt extreme. but i was very much tryibg to get to that extreme. ‘mema would notice’ yeah bu #but would she know what it was? would she be able to do anything? last time she thought it was meds and it took a hosp #hospital assigned nutrient shakes on bad days and easy acess to unlimited cake to kickstart my ‘oh i Love eating i need Everything’ habit #which is its own issue #mmm. im pissed and ruminating. (￣ー￣) #im okay just. this was not a debate this is me telling you an issue i have and you double dunkijbg on it

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stares at other fanʻs interpretations of a character:

you are so wrong i want to block you i want you gone i want you out of my sight -> you have a unique interpretation of this character but its inherently flawed and i dont want to dig through canon to determine why -> the evidence you are using is faulty at best. the character is designed as way more complex than that (this is my own conclusions based on just as flimsy evidence) -> i cannot fault you because had they committed to your idea it would have been really cool and just as intricate as you seem to envision it being in canon -> unfortunately the story writers did not put that much effort into this character and even if they had donʻt you think this would have been made more obvious than ‘they act childish and the game acts like they dont know if shes a child because she is the token l*li’ -> i should quietly move on with my life -> i cannot get this out of my mind because even if you arent being aggressive outside of your circle within it you seem to be -> thats not aggression you just hate conflict. move on -> this is an interesting interpretation with very little evidence that is being treated as canon, which is completely normal and you yourself treat certain headcanons as such -> what if this is canon and youre an awful person treatign a child this way (what way? unknown) -> if this is not proven or disproven by someone i look up to i will die of anguish -> this isnt that important *forgets it for weeks* -> oh look this person makes cool content for this character i track tags for. oh they have a theory about the character? huh wai- -> *repeat ad infinitum*

#all of this is my own reactions i have nothing against the person #i dont think this counts as vague posting? to be clear i have nothing against them and actually enjoy reading their takes its just my #brain being bad at braining again #’wow i dont want to block them because i enjoy their stuff but what if theyre right does that make me an awful person wait its not canon so #so why do they act like it is (spoiler: theyre just minding their own business w their own theories i just cant accept normal things) #this isnt as big of a deal as it seems like in this post i just need it out of my head #once i post it i will be able to not care like a normal person and maybe support some of their content possibly

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absolutely finessed x2

#brought food cuz i had an appointmemt and a kid said hed give my five bucks for all my fries #i thought he meant school currency but he pulled out 5 real dollars and said hed pay me 10 if i brought a large next time #٩(^ω^)و #then i showed my sister something and told her not to read it aloud and mema was like ʻits not inappropiate is itʻ #it uh. kts the baby jack ingof tweet so uh. i said it was just weird humor like the snicker bar halloween paintings i showed her #kai hands it back and i ʻsubtlyʻ change the thing to a comic i saved of dog eats egg not clickbait #i say subtly cuz it took several seconds and im not convinced she bought it but she didnt press the matter so >:]

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-_- was so sleepy this morning i rolled over in bed instead of getting up and now im p sure i missed the bus.

#so sleepy….

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wwww apparently the secret to resetting your appetite is to stuff your face with pancakes

#staving off the disordered eating demon by making direct eye contact and eating more than i can handle #eating talk / #disordered eating ment

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hate not knowing if a stranger is genuine or not

#aomeone said they like my outfit but my outfillt is kinda. bad? #they were well dresses i think and i am intimidated #actually you know what? doesnt matter they said they liked it no subtext necessary

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o-o

#mom asking if i want a new case for my tablet and i am a bit panicked #do i say yes? i dont really care either way but my old one keeps snapping off. or naybe im thinking of the keyboard #she says shes christyams shopping. im hard to shol for anyway so maybe i should make it easy. #but. that requieres telling mom i want something. and her getting it. #she gets me a lot of stuff. its normal. but. #bad thiughsta say selfish. other thoughts say i do not want to percieve or be percieved nby her. #just go for a casual response? ???

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adults who randomly touch you are my enemy

#adults who tap you to get your attention? annoying. barely forgivable. have a bare bones excuse. #adults who tap you for no reason without warning? terrible. unforgivable. will not survive the winter.

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:understandinf that the teacher is busy, can only submit assignments at school, and mist talk to the district to sumbmit an assigment into last nine weeks grading:

;’if that assignment isnt in the gradebook i will lose it he said hed do it rigjt away its still not there i swea-‘:

#the duality of ser #…i dont want to bother him but he isnt always on top of assignments at the beat of times so. #going to pretend my mema is bugging me