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Sylvia Plath, "The Rival." Ariel

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from the bottom of my fucking heart. how are we supposed to live under these conditions.

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https://thedarkerhorse.blogspot.com/2016/01/cozy-featuring-knitwear-designer-lauren.html#.VqoDnMdHGsM

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artist: felicia chiao

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The Third Part of Night (Andrzej Żuławski, 1971)

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As an adult still living with their abusive parent, I often find that affirmations meant to empower me are unhelpful at best. They often feel like they're overstating the amount of agency I have as an adult; I've spent my entire life being abused. It's all I know and I have a lifetime of conditioning and nervous system damage to show for it.

All that doesn't just go away now that I'm older than 18, and neither do the material circumstances that keep me here. Even though I have more legal rights and have grown since I was younger, I am still not in control by the very nature of being the victim in an abusive relationship. So, for those who relate, here are some affirmations that might hit different:

My abuser does not have my best interests in mind, even if they think they do.

I am my own person; my mind and body belong to me.

My feelings are justified, and I deserve to feel and express them.

I am doing what I need to survive, and that is all I need to do.

I am doing my best given the knowledge, resources, and support I have.

I am the only person who can decide what is best for me.

My situation is unfair and wrong. I deserve to be happy and safe.

I do not have to engage in toxic positivity; that will only hurt me.

As long as I am alive, there is something good in this life for me - no matter how small.

I have inherent rights just because I exist.

I shouldn't have to deal with this on my own; I deserve support and protection.

Everything I need is something I deserve. Everything I deserve is something I need.

If any of these don't resonate, feel free to discard them. Everyone finds comfort and empowerment differently.

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written by a bad daughter, fall 2022

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painting murals in an abandoned villa in tuscany, italy

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The feminine urge to not finish a book because I'm emotionally attached to it and don't want it to be over.

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Penguins walking at 5x speed.

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Ladies by Childe Hassam

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Andrea Galvani (Italian, b. 1973, Verona, Italy) - N-1 #6, 2007, Photography 

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Shinya Tamai—Rabbit Figure in the Clouds  (natural mineral pigment on japanese paper mounted on wood panel, 2020)

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Girl with Pearl Earring, at the museum - Johannes Vermeer

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a conversation.

"i don't know why i keep on attracting needy assholes. first d; now k."

"they probably didn't get much attention as children. people always look for their parents in friends; in relationships, you know? it's basic psych. she keeps coming back to you because you remind her of parents."

my friend has a psych degree but i wish she wouldn't cut so deep. now i can't really deny it, can i?

"it's just hard to say no."

"well, yeah, because all your life you've never had the option of say no."

"maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. maybe they remind me of my parents too."

"oh god, oh god." my friend laughs. i wasn’t really making a joke, and the punchline isn’t funny. i feel sick.

i turn my eyes to the television and take the shot: salt, tequila, lime.

better that, than to feel the acrid truth on my throat as i swallow.

#writing

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Tito Merello Vilar // Richard Kadrey, Aloha From Hell